Struggling to understand how I meant nothing

[tenderheart27]

Same situation here, my ex is having best time with his ex, engaged I heard, after 1 month , love or crazy who knows.

But I know one thing , As soon as there is break up if after first 30 days you don't have any reconciliation than you have to start saving yourself as he is on the other side of the break up and during his honeymoon, so there is no way you can convince him of anything, anything you will do will work against you best is to do nothing and save yourself. You can't make somebody love you, thats why we say "to fall in love " , unexpected and without control. Whether he will miss you or not time will show. I would not hope as its just waste of your precious time.

Do not chase , do not look at Facebook, block all, hide or delete or photos. Give his tel to your friend tell them not to give you for 4 months. All normal things to maintain no contact , to save yourself. Enjoy the pain grow stronger.

 

If you love him let him go and wish him best. Your love will be always there but you need to move on. Maybe one day you will reconcile but likely it will be for him too late. I am 90 days after break up and it was shock for me too. I am nearly end and feels just as amazing. We are with you!!!

 

 

It has been 4 months now, he is still in the honeymoon phase and i did over a month no contact. We have spoken since, we are both going in different directions with our lives. He is moving with his new relationship and I am moving to heal.

thank you for your support.

[Been]

Some people cannot be alone. They have to be in a relationship.

My ex was the exact same way. With her new boyfriend she felt the greatest she ever felt. It bothered me until I realized something-she used to say the same thing when she was with me. It's just talk to pump themselves up. Wait till the honeymoon phase is over.

[whatdeww18]

Tenderheart,

No problem! There aren't enough people in the world that are genuine and truly wish to help. Even if it is just the internet, all it takes is one person to support you through a rough time sometimes, right? Well you are much further along than me in the healing process, but I still find myself strolling through all the stages of the break up... Do you do that? Like one day I will be at denial and still confused about the break up, the next day it's like a took a stroll to the 8th gate of Hell and am in despair, and the following it's like I'm in a boxing ring ready to knock some teeth out of anyone that wants to step in. One thing I've found really helpful, as embarrassing as it is, is to sing some sad songs in the shower to get it out of my system hopefully for the day. And another time, I drank a bottle of wine with the intention of cursing my ex out to myself haha. (cringe upon cringe) Any wise words as someone further along healing?

 

Your friend,

-WhatDEWWWWW

[tenderheart27]

Some people cannot be alone. They have to be in a relationship.

My ex was the exact same way. With her new boyfriend she felt the greatest she ever felt. It bothered me until I realized something-she used to say the same thing when she was with me. It's just talk to pump themselves up. Wait till the honeymoon phase is over.

 

 

Yes that is true. What happened to your ex? is she still with the guy?

How are you now?

[tenderheart27]

I cannot imagine my ex not being in my life. Not in the sense of us being together because i accept that will never happen again. more in the sense that we know each other in and out, like our souls are connected.

 

I have been messaging my ex and it feels good to talk to someone that knows me, its never awkward, even tonight i saw him and its never awkward, he still gives me advice when i need it and i still ask him if hes ok.

 

It hasnt been about our relationship. Just more day to day bits, and I know he is in a relationship so its nothing to would get in the way of that.

 

Tomorrow i leave for a new place and job. I met with him to say goodbye and gave him a little gift. He hugged me tightly in return, i tried to pull away and he hugged a little tighter before letting go. a strange experience that i wanted to last forever but know it will be a while before i see him again.

 

I love him dearly and always will.

[Hopefuleddie]

Hello tenderhear27,

 

Sorry for the pain you are experiencing. Breakups, no matter when or how they happen, are always painful, and time is often our best friends during the recovery process. It is always tempting to think that something is wrong with us, when it seems the other person has moved on; but often, it is quite the contrary. I would encourage you look at what you can do different in your next relationship. Please know that you are precious and impossible to be replaced in any relationship. Let him move on, and focus on your healing and recovery.

[tenderheart27]

hello,

 

I think im in a bit of trouble. My ex and I had a heart to heart just before christmas and it was obvious we still care for each other and we spoke and we both said how good it felt.

 

He then said he would message me for christmas, but nothing since.

 

Its really played with my head. I have left my new job and city and decided to travel.

 

I could do with some encouraging words, as I feel really lonely.

[stillafool]

Be brave. This is a New Year and you are traveling which is good if it didn't put your new job in jeopardy. I know it's hard but you can move on. (((HUGS))) You do still have your job, don't you?

[Christian2282]

I think you need to question this: Did he really treat you very good? I mean if he had someone already lined up, do you even want a man like that. If you give all your heart to someone and they take advantage of that doesn't sound like you should worry about this guy. I know easier said then done. Believe me, I just left an abusive marriage (not saying yours is that bad). I fell in love with him and he took advantage of that and fact he was super hot did not help. However, no matter how attractive someone is their inside and disgusting words or actions- make them ugly! He's ugly face it. You have to move on. It's hard saying that because I am doing same thing. I have no one on the side because I wasn't expecting him to continue on his unholy path. Focus on yourself and make finding a new guy as exciting as possible. Also set actual rules for which your man should have because most of us... settle. If you keep settling you'll be right back where you are. So far I'm doing very well to be sure that even if guy tries to flirt with me, I'm like they aren't Christian so it's a no brainer- no. Now I'm not saying you should be this or that, just that you need to learn about yourself and if you hear anything from this.. figure out what you deserve in a man! You deserve the best!! And that guy you just described, the little bit I know.. he sounds like he is not making you feel calm and trusting in him. Prayers to you (:

[tenderheart27]

no i have left my new job as i have no passion to be there.

 

I dont understand how he wanted to be friends and then disappears again. how can someone mess with your head like that.

 

He is ok because he has his new girlfriend. and I am left to struggle.

 

i felt alive again when we last spoke and since nothing. I have no interests.

[keiji]

no i have left my new job as i have no passion to be there.

 

I dont understand how he wanted to be friends and then disappears again. how can someone mess with your head like that.

 

He is ok because he has his new girlfriend. and I am left to struggle.

 

i felt alive again when we last spoke and since nothing. I have no interests.

 

I think the main problem here is that you were open to a friendship. You still have feelings him and therefore a friendship is out of the question. You may not realize now, but the fact that he didn't contact you on Christmas Day was a blessing in disguise. You need to cut all contact, at least for the time being, and focus on yourself. I know this sounds like a cliche, and it is, but some cliches exist for a reason. If you keep in touch with him, you're going to alternate hope and despair endlessly.

 

You were brave enough to quit a job you didn't like while millions of people prefer to rot in a sad cubicle until retirement. Why don't you pat yourself in the back for it? And you're traveling, which will be very healthy and you can turn into a wonderfully enriching experience.

 

You say he's ok because he has a girlfriend while you're left to struggle, as if life weren't as valuable being single (which is not a synonym of "alone"). I know this hurts very bad now, but try to get something out of this experience, first of all by focusing on yourself instead of him. You can't sit there looking at the telephone screen. He said he'd message you, but he hasn't. His word is worth nothing. Don't let him keep you waiting.

[tenderheart27]

i know this sounds drastic, but i think if i wasnt here, no one would notice.

i dont find it easy to get close to people, so not having anyone to talk to as been so hard.

 

I dont even enjoy anything anymore. I'm not sure whats wrong with me. i dont want to start all over again.

[keiji]

i know this sounds drastic, but i think if i wasnt here, no one would notice.

i dont find it easy to get close to people, so not having anyone to talk to as been so hard.

 

I dont even enjoy anything anymore. I'm not sure whats wrong with me. i dont want to start all over again.

 

Perhaps it's about time to get out of that negative spiral, then, and start facing your inability to get close to people. Have you considered therapy? Maybe you need some tools to improve that particular area. Social interactions can sometimes be hard, particularly after a breakup. But if you got close to him, you can get close to other people.

[tenderheart27]

Yes i have tried therapy. Getting out of a negative spiral is proving tough. I dont really have a base and nothing im doing is helping. I have travelled, met new people, tried new foods, watched films, therapy, anti-depressants, etc

[Ilovepizzalady]

I think it's ok to feel like you are not interested in anything just after a breakup.

 

It's remarkable how similar our situations are. I got dumped in August and he immediately started going out with this new woman. I feel as you do, horrible and anxious and all those things for months. I feel a tiny bit better, but we had a nice conversation in late November where he apologized and said he missed me and all that, but then nothing since. I too feel betrayed that he seemed to want friendship but then disappeared. We were together 2 years and it seems uncivil to be this cold to me, out of loyalty to the new girl.

 

I miss him every day, and it hurts to think that I won't see his apartment or be with him for a coffee or even talk to him. I love him very much.

[tenderheart27]

I think it's ok to feel like you are not interested in anything just after a breakup.

 

It's remarkable how similar our situations are. I got dumped in August and he immediately started going out with this new woman. I feel as you do, horrible and anxious and all those things for months. I feel a tiny bit better, but we had a nice conversation in late November where he apologized and said he missed me and all that, but then nothing since. I too feel betrayed that he seemed to want friendship but then disappeared. We were together 2 years and it seems uncivil to be this cold to me, out of loyalty to the new girl.

 

I miss him every day, and it hurts to think that I won't see his apartment or be with him for a coffee or even talk to him. I love him very much.

 

 

yes, it sounds like we are in exactly the same head space. maybe they both wanted forgiveness in order to move on guilt free? but dont realise they are creating more hurt.

 

I feel like if i keep moving i force myself to get up from bed, its a real struggle though. I feel like i need to find a space i can feel calm, but my mind can still not shut him out.

[stillafool]

no i have left my new job as i have no passion to be there.

 

I dont understand how he wanted to be friends and then disappears again. how can someone mess with your head like that.

He is ok because he has his new girlfriend. and I am left to struggle.

 

i felt alive again when we last spoke and since nothing. I have no interests.

 

He said he wanted to be friends but it isn't really realistic is it? In order for you to be his friend at this point it would involve you knowing and possible meeting his new gf. You aren't ready for that are you? Him sneaking around behind her back trying to still remain friends with you is going to keep you stuck on him and feeling empty when he goes back home to her. You will still go through weeks if not months feeling hurt because you have not heard from him. You just have to continue pushing forward to get over him.

 

At least a job, any job would keep you busy and help take your mind off of him. Sitting around moping is not going to help you heal.

[tenderheart27]

He said he wanted to be friends but it isn't really realistic is it? In order for you to be his friend at this point it would involve you knowing and possible meeting his new gf. You aren't ready for that are you? Him sneaking around behind her back trying to still remain friends with you is going to keep you stuck on him and feeling empty when he goes back home to her. You will still go through weeks if not months feeling hurt because you have not heard from him. You just have to continue pushing forward to get over him.

 

At least a job, any job would keep you busy and help take your mind off of him. Sitting around moping is not going to help you heal.[/QUOTE]

 

The thing is I'm not sitting around. I'm travelling around Europe.maybe it was the hope of hearing from him unsettled me.

[Ilovepizzalady]

I have been learning a new language, bc my brain is on overdrive, and I'm flying through the lessons. lol

[tenderheart27]

i just cannot concentrate enough to do so.

 

Ilovepizzalady when do you think we will get over them?

I just have never been very well on my own.

[Ilovepizzalady]

I don't know when but I know it will happen. It's not an "if"

[keiji]

I just have never been very well on my own.

 

That's exactly what you need to work on. If your happiness depends on having someone by your side, you're in trouble.

[tenderheart27]

That's exactly what you need to work on. If your happiness depends on having someone by your side, you're in trouble.

 

 

unfortunately for me i know this.

[Ilovepizzalady]

I have a slightly different take in that I think that it's very natural to want a boyfriend/mate especially if you aren't too social otherwise. Most people want that. But you do need to have your own interests and connections outside of the relationship. A good relationship will HELP you connect to others and expand your world. That's how I know my last relationship wasn't a good one. He didn't expand my life or inspire me to improve myself. I just got comfortable. Prior good relationships let me out into the world.

[tenderheart27]

I have a slightly different take in that I think that it's very natural to want a boyfriend/mate especially if you aren't too social otherwise. Most people want that. But you do need to have your own interests and connections outside of the relationship. A good relationship will HELP you connect to others and expand your world. That's how I know my last relationship wasn't a good one. He didn't expand my life or inspire me to improve myself. I just got comfortable. Prior good relationships let me out into the world.

 

i tend to agree, my ex was really my best friend. I know thats a given but he really was. We had similar interest but our personalities are very different and thats why we work.

 

The thing he didnt want was all the long term commitments we had going on, which to be honest were too much. We both agreed on this in our heart to heart and realised we forgot to look after each other.

 

My relationship gave me confidence.