Struggling to understand how I meant nothing

[tenderheart27]

the whole situation is a torment to me.

[stillafool]

i

 

My relationship gave me confidence.

 

You are enough to give yourself confidence.

[tenderheart27]

some people lack that inner belief and i think i am one of them.

 

I heard back from my ex a couple of days ago. He completely bypasses the heart to heart and told me it was not a good time to chat and "we should just be friends OK?" he also says he has had no internet hence the lack of reply.

 

he has no idea of the pain he has put me through. i spend every night of the holidays crying and feeling no self value.

 

Do i bother to reply? Since the break up he calls me by the first nick name he made for me when we started seeing each other. Why does he play these games.

[tenderheart27]

I feel like im in standstill waiting to hear from him.

 

Today i questioned myself and if i actually wanted to hear from him? I last heard from him Sunday and nothing since.

 

How do i know if im moving on mentally but not physically. I feel so tired and mentally drained and could really do with a hug. I would like it to be from him i think, but i dont know anymore.

 

I still have no passion for anything.

[tenderheart27]

also i have not slept properly for 3 days. All I can think of his him, but just not passionately anymore. I went to send him a message to ask how his day is going.

 

we left things uncertain on sunday, is he just stringing me along?

[divegrl]

I just recently joined this forum and spent a couple minutes reading your thread. I am going thru a break up as well and the urge to reach out and connect with my ex is overwhelming. However, my friend sent me some words of advice and I thought it might help you.

 

"All pain comes down to two things: am i worthy, and the issue of abandonment. Inside we say, "just dont leave, dont leave". From reading your thread it sounds like you are experiencing both. You deserve to be honest and you deserve to be surrounded by acceptance, love and support, people who remind you whats true and help you see what you forgot.

 

Unfortunately I dont think your ex is one of the people who will help you in this journey. Remaining friends and keeping contact with just prolong the agony. Read the no contact guide pinned at the top of this forum and implement the steps. My heart hurts with you. Hugs.

[AT15]

I just recently joined this forum and spent a couple minutes reading your thread. I am going thru a break up as well and the urge to reach out and connect with my ex is overwhelming. However, my friend sent me some words of advice and I thought it might help you.

 

"All pain comes down to two things: am i worthy, and the issue of abandonment. Inside we say, "just dont leave, dont leave". From reading your thread it sounds like you are experiencing both. You deserve to be honest and you deserve to be surrounded by acceptance, love and support, people who remind you whats true and help you see what you forgot.

 

Unfortunately I dont think your ex is one of the people who will help you in this journey. Remaining friends and keeping contact with just prolong the agony. Read the no contact guide pinned at the top of this forum and implement the steps. My heart hurts with you. Hugs.

 

This right here is a gem! Cutting and pasting it on my iPhone

[AT15]

also i have not slept properly for 3 days. All I can think of his him, but just not passionately anymore. I went to send him a message to ask how his day is going.

 

we left things uncertain on sunday, is he just stringing me along?

 

My spidey senses have me thinking this guy is going to flip after a few months if you stay no contact. I don't know why, but I think he will come running back. It sounds like, he got bored, took you for granted and thinks the grass is greener.

 

Stop contact with him. Cry your eyes out, get centered. And heal those insecurities. You can do this!

[tenderheart27]

My spidey senses have me thinking this guy is going to flip after a few months if you stay no contact. I don't know why, but I think he will come running back. It sounds like, he got bored, took you for granted and thinks the grass is greener.

 

Stop contact with him. Cry your eyes out, get centered. And heal those insecurities. You can do this!

 

I don't know. I think he is so stubborn, and i dont want to pressure him but at the same time how do i know where i stand.

Do you think it was bad to ask him how his day was?

[Purepony]

Op you keep blaming yourself for all this... that feeling you have might be guilt

 

This guy sounds like an idiot who can't keep his word and truthfully I don't know you or him but it sounds to me like you dodged a bullet

 

Let him go and have his fun

Don't call him font message him and if he talks to you cut it short and walk away

 

You don't deserve this torment and only you can put a stop to it!

Bet on yourself because no one else will and move on !

[AT15]

My spidey senses have me thinking this guy is going to flip after a few months if you stay no contact. I don't know why, but I think he will come running back. It sounds like, he got bored, took you for granted and thinks the grass is greener.

 

Stop contact with him. Cry your eyes out, get centered. And heal those insecurities. You can do this!

 

I don't know. I think he is so stubborn, and i dont want to pressure him but at the same time how do i know where i stand.

Do you think it was bad to ask him how his day was?

 

Disappear from his life. He still feels he has you. The longing you feel, his energy feels it too. I just have a feeling that if you go away and not contact him, he will reach out, out of curiosity. It's up to you to respond. You are not replaceable, everyone brings their own unique life energy to a relationship. It's your fingerprint. No girl who looks similiar to you can replace you.

 

Your self esteem is on the floor, maybe even on the ground in the dirt. But, it's temporary. I've been doing work on myself too.

 

I've actually realized I want more than what my ex can offer at this point in his life. He was not perfect for me. But, the next man I am with? Do I want him to have a self esteem that's in the toilet? No, I don't. Do, I want him to be morning an ex? No, I don't. Do, I want him to be secure, and happy with his life and ready for a great life partner? Yes, I do. So, guess what? I have to be that person too.

 

So, from this day forward, I am working on being a secure, happy and ready for a great life person.

 

I have work to do, but looking over my shoulder at the past will only slow me down ( I know this because I used to run road races.)

 

My rose colored glasses are off. He wasn't the catch, I am. I am the one who books television work, I am the one who built a business and got a write up in the New York Times, I am the one who goes to therapy to continuously address my issues with childhood neglect so I can be a more aware person. Not him. He just switches girlfriends. So, he can go do him. And I will do me. ... Sorry for the rant:p.. I got out of hand.

 

But, what I am saying is, You need to remind yourself of your strength. We all fall short in some ways in our personal life. But, tenderheart, you have courage. You have it in you to fade the music. You didn't get far in life to let some guy screw it all up for you. Let him be happy girlfriend hopping. You are stronger than that. I know you are!

Edited January 10, 2017 by AT15

[tenderheart27]

Disappear from his life. He still feels he has you. The longing you feel, his energy feels it too. I just have a feeling that if you go away and not contact him, he will reach out, out of curiosity. It's up to you to respond. You are not replaceable, everyone brings their own unique life energy to a relationship. It's your fingerprint. No girl who looks similiar to you can replace you.

 

Your self esteem is on the floor, maybe even on the ground in the dirt. But, it's temporary. I've been doing work on myself too.

 

I've actually realized I want more than what my ex can offer at this point in his life. He was not perfect for me. But, the next man I am with? Do I want him to have a self esteem that's in the toilet? No, I don't. Do, I want him to be morning an ex? No, I don't. Do, I want him to be secure, and happy with his life and ready for a great life partner? Yes, I do. So, guess what? I have to be that person too.

 

So, from this day forward, I am working on being a secure, happy and ready for a great life person.

 

I have work to do, but looking over my shoulder at the past will only slow me down ( I know this because I used to run road races.)

 

My rose colored glasses are off. He wasn't the catch, I am. I am the one who books television work, I am the one who built a business and got a write up in the New York Times, I am the one who goes to therapy to continuously address my issues with childhood neglect so I can be a more aware person. Not him. He just switches girlfriends. So, he can go do him. And I will do me. ... Sorry for the rant.. I got out of hand.

 

But, what I am saying is, You need to remind yourself of your strength. We all fall short in some ways in our personal life. But, tenderheart, you have courage. You have it in you to fade the music. You didn't get far in life to let some guy screw it all up for you. Let him be happy girlfriend hopping. You are stronger than that. I know you are!

 

Thank you AT15. I have decided not to respond. I do love him, but i am finally questioning that. Do I want to be with someone who hops so quickly? and who has to take time to think about it whilst and not doubt his own feelings.

[elaine567]

I heard back from my ex a couple of days ago. He completely bypasses the heart to heart and told me it was not a good time to chat and "we should just be friends OK?"

 

When someone dumps you, especially when they have someone else lined up or they meet someone else pretty quickly, they are done with you.

 

They do not want to chat about the old relationship, analyse it to death, dissect it out, have heart to hearts, as it no longer occupies their thoughts.

They are not interested in speaking about something that to their mind is dead and buried.

They are happy talking about the weather or mutual friends or sport or job prospects or any other "friendly" topics, but see no point in discussing something that is as far as they are concerned, is finished.

 

Here he reiterates "we should just be friends" as that is how he feels and he just wants to shut down any talk about "the two of you as a a couple", because "the two of you as a couple" no longer exists.

 

Even the most "stubborn" people will fight for what they truly want.

If he truly regretted his decision to dump you, he would be blowing up your phone, he would be willing to talk about where it all went wrong and how he could put it right, he is not doing that, is he?

[tenderheart27]

When someone dumps you, especially when they have someone else lined up or they meet someone else pretty quickly, they are done with you.

 

They do not want to chat about the old relationship, analyse it to death, dissect it out, have heart to hearts, as it no longer occupies their thoughts.

They are not interested in speaking about something that to their mind is dead and buried.

They are happy talking about the weather or mutual friends or sport or job prospects or any other "friendly" topics, but see no point in discussing something that is as far as they are concerned, is finished.

 

Here he reiterates "we should just be friends" as that is how he feels and he just wants to shut down any talk about "the two of you as a a couple", because "the two of you as a couple" no longer exists.

 

Even the most "stubborn" people will fight for what they truly want.

If he truly regretted his decision to dump you, he would be blowing up your phone, he would be willing to talk about where it all went wrong and how he could put it right, he is not doing that, is he?

 

That seems true about people fighting for what they want. I also believe sometimes people dont really know what they want.

I can see what you say is sensible, however it takes two people to have a heart to heart.

 

I am starting to fully accept that we no longer exist and learning to let go, which has been the hardest challenge.

[elaine567]

I can see what you say is sensible, however it takes two people to have a heart to heart

 

 

Exactly, and when your ex is not interested in having a heart to heart with you, then you just have to accept it.

YOU can't make him care.

[tenderheart27]

Exactly, and when your ex is not interested in having a heart to heart with you, then you just have to accept it.

YOU can't make him care.

 

I do accept it, what i'm saying is we already had the heart to heart which he initiated.

[elaine567]

Exactly, and when your ex is not interested in having a heart to heart with you, then you just have to accept it.

YOU can't make him care.

 

I do accept it, what i'm saying is we already had the heart to heart which he initiated.

 

OK, but this time he "bypassed" ie avoided the "heart to heart" you said.

[tenderheart27]

yes and now im not sure why he bothered or what he is thinking when he says he will think about us.

[divegrl]

This is absolutely a terrible situation and I'm sorry your having to go thru this. I think I said this, but my ex basically disappeared a week ago and now he is trying to reconnect. I have ignored all his text messages because his "hey", and "what are you doing" messages are just trying to make him feel less guilty and make him feel better. Like you, I think he had someone else in the picture.... which makes it 10x more easier for him to move on. It hurts, it burns, it sucks. Everything you say makes sense and you're allowed to experience these feelings for as long as you need too.

 

But plz don't reach out to him or respond to any of his small talk. The only thing you should respond to or care about is a clear signal that they love you and desperately want you back. Everything else is just a way of keeping you simmering on the back boiler.

 

Sorrow is an injury, be gentle with yourself. Hugs.

[tenderheart27]

Why dont i just ask him what he thinks??

 

Then at least if he was just stringing me along then i will know.

 

What do you all think?

[AT15]

Why dont i just ask him what he thinks??

 

Then at least if he was just stringing me along then i will know.

 

What do you all think?

 

I think you're not ready to let go. :-(.

 

So, you're holding on for dear life. The resistance is what causes the most pain. Just pretend, if only for a moment, that you actually wanted him to be with another woman. Say yes to their relationship, just for 3 seconds. When you feel the emotional pain of that, understand that your emotions are attached to him. Not you.

 

Understand that your mind and heart has the attachment to him. When you start feeling intense pain, say "oh, yes. That's the emotion and brain that's till has the attachment, but I am moving forward." It will give you a little space between the pangs.

[whatdeww18]

Why dont i just ask him what he thinks??

 

Then at least if he was just stringing me along then i will know.

 

What do you all think?

 

TENDERHEART! WHAT HAS HAPPENED? YOU WERE IN SUCH A BETTER PLACE NOT TOO LONG AGO?

 

I can't even follow what had happened but I am assuming you have been breaking no contact and getting back into contact with your ex. So I just want to reiterate some points and hopefully give you some light as you seem to be in the darkest of ruts I have seen someone go back into...

 

Tenderheart. First, you are a beautiful soul, a kind one, and still so heartbroken. Remember your self-worth, you even had a bolded post where you said you acknowledged your self-confidence was in the dirt and you need to bring it back out. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to live your life, with or without your ex.

 

Second, I think we talked about this earlier. This is just to bring reality to your situation. You are about 4 months+ after the break up and probably have done a lot of the things that people say to do after the break up such as travel and explore your own interests. These serve as distractions so you can let time heal your wounds that you acknowledge. You've gone to therapy to resolve your internal issues (honestly, I think just about everyone can do this as we all have one issue that could use some work). You have to do this ALL FOR YOURSELF. This is not to get him back. This is not so you can "look" like you're healing and doing so much better to get him back. This is so you can take this break up as a sign that you do have growing to do as an individual. You will grow from this in so many ways and become such an amazing person. Not for your ex. For yourself. (You're already amazing, just going to be even MORE amazing, BAMMMM!)

 

Third, do take a lot of the advice on these threads with a grain of salt. Do remember we are on a site where people share personal experiences. There are many patterns that are similar in break ups, but they are not all one in the same. Only YOU know YOURSELF the best. Don't deny the fact that this man was the "perfect" man if he was in your eyes. It's okay but things didn't work out. Realize the mistakes in the relationship, forgive both parties, and learn to not do them again. Best thing you can do for yourself. Maybe some day in the future but you can't be waiting and holding out on life for him. You only have so many years on this Earth, each moment counts, and you can't be wasting away when you can spend each moment enjoying and loving life.

 

Fourth, if you truly love this man, let him go. Like the poster stated above, if he truly loved you, he will remember and start seeing that what he's doing is not filling the void in his life. Don't bank on it and just let him go. This is really hard but if he truly believes he will be happier outside of the relationship and he comes back, there will only be resentment.

 

Fifth, seriously, just stop talking to him. You are not healing and you're letting yourself reopen those break up wounds. If you truly love him, you will love him after you move on from the break up, and the old relationship. Forgive yourself and him for all this pain. Walk into life tomorrow with a brand new sparkle in your eye for all that awaits. No more hoping it's him when your phone buzzes. If it comes one day, who knows, you might not even care and might be happier being single for a bit.

 

Tenderheart, I know you're strong. I saw the development over the course of a couple weeks. Take this time to heal, maybe go off LS for a bit to just gather your thoughts and deeply reflect. We all get into ruts. I feel like I backtracked in terms of expressing myself. I cry just about every morning, where as I only cried once in the first month. But I am healing, I don't pine after my ex. I'm moving on. Not sure if I will take my ex back in the future, but I do still love him a lot. He was an amazing man, and who knows how we will grow in the future. Remember what I said, sometimes letting go is harder than killing a puppy? It really is, because we can't just kill our emotions and love like that (Not serious though, fellow LSers, I would never harm a poor puppy except hug it too tight maybe?)

 

Tenderheart, I challenge you not to talk to him for a while. Let him know you need some time to talk again politely if he keeps texting or calling. HEAL. I WILL SMEAR DOG POO ALLLLL OVER YOUR PHONE IF YOU DARE TRY TO CALL HIM! YOU HEAR ME?!? Still want to text through all that dog poo?

Just think of that image each time you want to text him so you can get a laugh but also not text him okay?

 

Really am wishing you the best Tenderheart! It hurts to see how much you grew and going really deep into a rut again

Take care and make sure you're eating and sleeping okay!

 

-WhatDEWWWWW

Edited January 11, 2017 by whatdeww18

[tenderheart27]

hey all,

 

So i just want to say that i really appreciate your messages, no matter what your opinion on the situation. It helps me grasp the bigger picture, instead of focusing solely on my ex.

 

Still no contact from him and I have decided to hold out. Time will tell if he messages me and was serious about thinking on it. It isn't something i will look for. I cannot control the outcome and I shouldn't want too.

 

Other news I have had some replies on jobs, so I will focus more of my energy on that. I still find it very hard though. There is so much I want to share with him, from stupid jokes to cool articles I've been reading. I go to type the message, but now instead of sending it, I cut and paste it to my notebook and think it over. That way the message never gets sent, but at least I feel like I have told someone (me) about the cool things I have seen. (Hope that makes sense!!)

 

Thanks again for keeping me afloat.

[tenderheart27]

its so so hard. I keep wanting to message.

[whatdeww18]

its so so hard. I keep wanting to message.

 

Hi Tenderheart!

Glad you are taking the messages with a grain of salt. Like everyone says, healing is different for everyone. I tried rushing it and now I'm crying almost every morning... Just let the feelings come and go as they please. But really, do take this time for yourself. You want to be the best you that you can so you can be that amazing and have someone want to love you for your amazing self.

 

It's really tough. People say it gets easier but I just remember how much I wanted to text my ex or do things a month ago and am like wow, I have come a long way. I realized my previous message didn't say the point I meant to say.

 

It's really okay to think about your ex as the ideal partner. I'm sure there are things he could fix, as well as yourself. This is the time for you to fix your mistakes and look to the future with the improved self. Possibly, things will work out that it happens to be with your ex. Possibly, it will be that you move on and find someone else. It's so difficult to think about yourself in the future with all the pain now. I know wholeheartedly. But I've just been reflecting a lot and seeing the stupid things I've done and making sure I get to the root. I think blackcat77 really describes it best and her success story is what all dumpees should really do. I can't describe it well but I get inspired each time I read it, probably have read it about 50 times in the past two weeks.

 

She does all this for herself. She wants to become a better person even though she didn't have that many problems in the relationship.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/544984-my-reconciliation-story-when-how-apply-nc-success

 

Also, some people suggest buying a no contact journal. They write things in there that they wish to say to the ex. I tried it and it's not for me. But I've just found it's easier now to not be tempted to text the ex. I guess I know all that will come out of it is more pain for me and affirmation that I look needy to my ex.

 

Take care Tenderheart! Big hug

 

-WhatDEWWWWW