Struggling to understand how I meant nothing

[lana-banana]

the saddest part is i know you are all right. each situation is different, but all your opinions are right.

 

I guess that fact that he still let me in, just before christmas made my recovery go crashing down. He hugged me and didnt let me go. He had that heart to heart with a couple days before christmas, he send me his photo the day he flew to be with his girl friend, he asked if we could still be friends. I've always been so honest to him about how I feel and yes been to available. I feel that he maybe stalled to decide if this new girl is a better choice and evidently she is for him right now.

He used those words saying he may never be that happy again.

He said that it hurts talking to me because he can imagine me saying them the way i do and making him smile.

 

Then he ignores everything and acts like I am nothing.

 

each time he does he stabs me a little bit deeper.

 

He's not the one with the knife; you are. And you are the one giving him the power and the opportunity to stab you. When you go NC he can't hurt you anymore.

 

All those pretty words about never being happy again and how hard it is to talk to you are just that---words. They are designed to make him feel better, not you. He thinks if he flatters you, you'll feel better about yourself and not judge him so harshly. He is saying those things because he doesn't want to be the bad guy. I had an ex tell me he would never get over me while he was seeing another girl! Do you think he meant a word of that? Of course not. He was fishing for the nicest compliments he could find in an attempt to not seem like a jerk.

 

He asked you to be friends. That is the clearest and most unambiguous way anyone can communicate they no longer have a romantic interest in someone. He cares for you the way he cares for a sister or an old friend from school: he cares about your well-being and wants you to be happy. But he isn't interested in you and hasn't been for a very long time. I know how much that hurts to hear but trust me, it's infinitely less painful than holding on.

[tenderheart27]

thank you all for your messages.

 

i decided to go out for a snowfight with my brother. it was brilliant, in the moment hour of just throwing snow at each other

 

I cant tell you all enough how much this site is helping me.

 

tomorrow is another day, thank you x

[divegrl]

Aww thanks divegrl! I really try and to be honest I made mistakes but I think everyone does. I'm a believer and optimist, so I tend to think love forgives and overlooks mistakes. My ex said A LOT of hurtful things in our last conversation, yet I still find myself forgiving the things he said instead of using them to drive hatred towards him to help me move on. It made me feel better for a day and terrible after. So forgiveness is the route for me. Blackcat77 is one of my heroes right now. Like you said, she is a success as she truly let go and was moving on and making her life as amazing as she could. Had her ex not come back, there would have been one lucky man to sweep her off her feet. I want to be there, and I already see so much progress.

 

I've come to realize a lot and how much our thoughts can influence our feelings. The optimism and improved lifestyle I am living, even after almost two months post break up, have made me so much happier as a person. That's not to say I don't get into daily ruts or not shed tears here and there. But I can see myself living as such a happier person and better partner for whoever it is to be in my future.

 

I love that quote! It's very true. And I've thought about being in a dumper's shoes and I would be much more inclined to reconcile with an ex who is happy, improved his or her life, and has ultimately worked on his or her problems. I will get there and if it's not my ex, oh well. The next partner will get all this awesomeness to himself

 

Wishing everyone here a speedy, full recovery. Maybe one of us will have a successful reconciliation to come back and tell too! Maybe not, and that's just as great as long as you have healed!

 

Sincerely,

-WhatDEWWWWW

 

I missed this! Thanks whatdewww! 100% too right!

[whatdeww18]

thank you all for your messages.

 

i decided to go out for a snowfight with my brother. it was brilliant, in the moment hour of just throwing snow at each other

 

I cant tell you all enough how much this site is helping me.

 

tomorrow is another day, thank you x

 

YES! You are finally doing things, for the sake of having fun for yourself. It's hard, trust me. I see myself falling back into this rut where I wonder what my ex is doing and all that jazz. I immediately throw it out of my head and just start singing some random songs to get me back into my own reality, where I have so many future plans for me. I'm focusing all my effort back to making me freaking amazing.

 

For example, I've always been undecided with what I want to do. I've decided I'm going to apply to medical school and will spend the next few months studying like my soul depends on it. I'm going to make friends in my classes. I'm going to clubs and just dance and sing like no one is there. And finally, I've decided to stay single for a long time. I won't be emotionally available nor will I let someone take my time from me working on me. That includes my ex for a while. I always had this thought if my ex texted me, would I respond while in no contact or send a brief message? Finally at the point where I don't care how I respond, I will if time allows and I don't mind the outcome of my text.

 

Granted I'll be having some days where I miss my ex and want him back like none other, not going to slip up and just keep going forward. What does all this do? 1) Helps me accomplish many of my goals, short and long term. 2) Get me back, my confidence and individuality. 3) I will learn to be happy with me and myself and learn to improve. 4) I will develop an attitude that will allow someone to truly love me, for me. 5) I get to judge who my partner will be and if he adds to my overall happiness. 6) Shows my friends who have continuously supported me that I AM that strong individual that they believe me to be.

 

BAMMMMMMM! Tenderheart, it's a long road of recovery. I remember we were both DEEPLY hurt. We're taking steps forward in the right direction! Let's take them together and I just share my story to hopefully help you and I'd love to hear your progress, future plans, happiness, etc. as they happen.

 

I'll be here for you when you get that deep in a rut again. But make sure you're ready to take those steps needed okay? Hope you don't hate me too much for the harsh post earlier haha! Sometimes, friends just have to show some tough love for us to get it...

 

Very sincerely,

-WhatDEWWWWW

[Offspring]

my ex not realising that keeping me in limbo

 

He is not keeping you in limbo tenderheart, you are keeping yourself in limbo.

 

You need to go through that moment where it becomes about you..

Edited January 14, 2017 by Offspring

[tenderheart27]

What's happened that I'm in this situation. In July i everything I could ask for. Savings, someone I really cared about, an income although I didn't like the job, a place to call home. Now I'm sleeping on my sisters floor depressed with no money and no job and single.

 

Im having a slight panic attack and I can't get out of it. This whole thing has gripped me like never before. I'm in such a bad place at the moment.

[divegrl]

Hi tenderheart!

 

I'm so sorry that you're going thru this. It must be tough and emotionally exhausting. I can't imagine all the changes you're going thru. From relationship, to housing and income loss can be very hard.

 

I've been through a bit of a spiritual journey lately. I know it's hard but plz try not to judge your circumstances as either good or bad. Judgement and negativity just create more pain for yourself. Plz try to be present. Focus on your breath. Feel your breath move thru your body. Inhale deeply, exhale slowly. Trust that every move and direction is exactly where you need to be. Everything is unfolding exactly as it should. Peace and joy come when you give up expectations and accept what is. Surrender. Let go. The universe is working for you!

 

I hope this helps! I'm typing this out as much for me as for you. Peace and joy to you my friend!!!

[tenderheart27]

Hi all,

thought i would update.

 

My ex came back in my life and royally messed me around again.

Of course I fell for it.

 

Part my fault for wanting it so bad, although i have always been honest about it.

 

So we have been chatting for 3 months whilst he is away with girlfriend. He leans on me emotionally telling me how boring she is etc and how hes never laughed as much. we even talk on the phone.. I know that i should not have been in contact whilst he is still in a relationship but the lonelyness got to me.

 

Anyway things became us again and he made me feel good and spun me around saying he didnt want her etc

 

Now recently has changed his mind, as my anxiety was getting worse.

And he has dropped me for nothing again.

 

My head is not in a good place, and i really wanted to believe him and ignore all warning flags and it just felt great being us again and getting messages from him to look and smile at.

 

now im back to maybe feeling even worse.

 

not too sure how he could do this again or how i could let myself be so week..

[Sweetfish]

Hi all,

thought i would update.

 

My ex came back in my life and royally messed me around again.

Of course I fell for it.

 

Part my fault for wanting it so bad, although i have always been honest about it.

 

So we have been chatting for 3 months whilst he is away with girlfriend. He leans on me emotionally telling me how boring she is etc and how hes never laughed as much. we even talk on the phone.. I know that i should not have been in contact whilst he is still in a relationship but the lonelyness got to me.

 

Anyway things became us again and he made me feel good and spun me around saying he didnt want her etc

 

Now recently has changed his mind, as my anxiety was getting worse.

And he has dropped me for nothing again.

 

My head is not in a good place, and i really wanted to believe him and ignore all warning flags and it just felt great being us again and getting messages from him to look and smile at.

 

now im back to maybe feeling even worse.

 

not too sure how he could do this again or how i could let myself be so week..

 

The moment he came in your life you should have came here and expressed what was going on as your emotional state may not dictate the best actions. While everyone here including my self may not give you the advice that may be "right" it gives you a chance to see a wide range of perspectives and gives you more directions of how you should have taken the interaction your ex has had with you.

 

Until he has completely remove him self out of the relationship and has time to reflect, which can take months.. getting back with him is an adviced no no.

[Goodguy05]

The moment he came in your life you should have came here and expressed what was going on as your emotional state may not dictate the best actions. While everyone here including my self may not give you the advice that may be "right" it gives you a chance to see a wide range of perspectives and gives you more directions of how you should have taken the interaction your ex has had with you.

 

Until he has completely remove him self out of the relationship and has time to reflect, which can take months.. getting back with him is an adviced no no.

 

So sorry to hear it is very challenging wen the ex's contact u. Same thing happened to me ex wife went hot n cold I had just started a new relationship and was happy and she spun my head around she left wanted a divorce and in the meantime sabotaged myou new relationship

[Goodguy05]

Yes i have tried therapy. Getting out of a negative spiral is proving tough. I dont really have a base and nothing im doing is helping. I have travelled, met new people, tried new foods, watched films, therapy, anti-depressants, etc

 

From my experience im in my mid 40s now the only healer is time. I've had 5 broken hearts and the latest one has been very challenging as we woke together and she has started seeing someone at work. In my case I hav a lot of anger because how she basically lied about being there for each other thru thick and thin. Angry from hurt. It's been 8 mths but I've never contacted her

I did wth n the 1st 2 mths but it became apparent she wasn't interested.. time is the only healer. She's screwed me tho because where I work is very good and jobs of that calibre aren't easy to get so at the moment I feel very cornered but can't remain there as its becoming hard to heal as it keeps reopening wounds and seeing them together in fronthn of my eyes here and there is very hard and painful.

I wouldn't take her back but I'd love to have the opportunity for her to contact me to tell her to **** off lol but not sure that'll happen.im just kidding..I can't remain angry at her tho im realising that it's like she rents a place in my head for free. This one's been very tough. Because of the work situation. It's a long story but I think for me the breakup was to show me wat kind of woman I was wth. Shes left all her kids to be in this location holiday destination. So selfish. And I still feel sor run for her. But I realise that's just me missing who I thought she was and not who she really is. She has this face and demeanour where its very easy to be drawn into feeling sorry for her.. but it's not the real her. I see now why her relationship wth her families not the closest it's her a lot or its her and her impulsive decision making.

Anyway, me and u both have to be really strong to resist these people wanting to be part or our lives again because like my ex, hes selfish. Honestly I wish and hope my next partner has ur heart and commitment no joke. It's admirable