Gigs short question [UPDATE: ex in hospital]

[alterest]

Hi, there. Short question about GIGS: That kind of breakup only happens when your ex-partner already have someone? Or this can happen even there's nobody in sight? I've read some threads about it and can't say if the "there's already another person on her/his life" condition must be checked or if some gigers only out to see if they can find something better (or want to live and feel jailed in that relationship), even without a new partner at the moment of BU.

 

Cheers

[PegNosePete]

What do you mean "it can happen"?

 

Like GIGS is some kind of event or disease that can just happen to someone?

 

No, that's just not how it works. GIGS basically means she thinks that she will be better off with someone else. The reasons can be many: a happier life, more fulfilling sex, more commitment, a better connection, less arguments, etc etc. There are many reasons she may think she is better off with someone else but the fact is that she does, and she has acted upon that choice. It's not a condition that just happens. It is a choice.

[Philosoraptor]

One would be better served to not try and put a term on a breakup, and fit it into a box.

 

Just something that needs to be accepted, and to respect yourself enough to focus on your own happiness and start healing.

[alterest]

Even if there's no one else when the BU occurs?

I ask that cause my ex shows every single motivations (her age, our age difference, religion view, first BF and LTR, etc) showed in some threads over here (in particular showed by homebrew*), but she didn't dumped me cause she already had another guy (but she entered in an relationship app a day before the BU).

I know it's a choice, cause gigs its not a real syndrome, just something that everyone go throught. But some guys see some patterns in that kind of BU, but I didn't see a thing about have or haven't someone.

(Short story: my ex broke up with me twice, and the first time I tried to reconcile with her for almost 4 or 5 months then I give up, after two months she call me and suggest our reconciliation, but it happens cause she thinks that I dating someone else and she (my ex) still have the same 'issue' (i.e. gigs) from the first BU and after our second honeymoon some problems come at us again (the others we maneged to fix by ourselves)).

 

*http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/251986-grass-greener-syndrome

[Redhead14]

Hi, there. Short question about GIGS: That kind of breakup only happens when your ex-partner already have someone? Or this can happen even there's nobody in sight? I've read some threads about it and can't say if the "there's already another person on her/his life" condition must be checked or if some gigers only out to see if they can find something better (or want to live and feel jailed in that relationship), even without a new partner at the moment of BU.

 

Cheers

 

Some people just decide to find out whether or not they can find a better patch of grass . . .

 

And, if they are standing on a patch of scratchy grass, like ryegrass, they start looking for a patch of Kentucky Bluegrass.

Edited December 6, 2016 by Redhead14

[PegNosePete]

Agree with Phil. There is little to be gained by pigeon holing the breakup.

 

Sure if it helps you to believe that she had GIGS, then believe she had GIGS.

 

The fact is, the relationship is over. Whether she had GIGS, POTS, BPD, NASA or CAMRA makes not one jot of difference. The fact is you're broken up and that is the end of it. There's nothing to do but move on.

[LargoLagg]

GIGS is not really a thing, it's more a state of mind. She definitely wants to try out at least one new person. She might have him already, she might not. It could be more than one. All you can really count on, it ain't you.

[alterest]

One would be better served to not try and put a term on a breakup, and fit it into a box.

 

Just something that needs to be accepted, and to respect yourself enough to focus on your own happiness and start healing.

 

Oh, that part i'm current doing to myself. I reading a lot of books, play games, study (programming and enterprise administration), go out with friends and other womens... And I keep all these stuffs to me, didn't show in places to trying to give her jealous... Not my kind of play.

But I still think about her a lot and I still holding to some hope of shes coming back. But, actually, I think she is going to do this in a year or two, and I don't want to wait to see if she will or will not call me. It's something that hunts me right now and, in these two months after BU, I healed a lot. I called her after a month and I talk about what I feel, that I still love her and want to be with her, and after that I vanished from her life. No call, no text, no indirect mesages on social media... Nothing... Fully NC to heal myself. But there's the hope that I can't vanish from my heart (maybe I hope NC will help me to bring her back, but I know that is not the porpouse of NC, so I focus only in my growth)

[Philosoraptor]

Even if there's no one else when the BU occurs?

I ask that cause my ex shows every single motivations (her age, our age difference, religion view, first BF and LTR, etc) showed in some threads over here (in particular showed by homebrew*), but she didn't dumped me cause she already had another guy (but she entered in an relationship app a day before the BU).

I know it's a choice, cause gigs its not a real syndrome, just something that everyone go throught. But some guys see some patterns in that kind of BU, but I didn't see a thing about have or haven't someone.

(Short story: my ex broke up with me twice, and the first time I tried to reconcile with her for almost 4 or 5 months then I give up, after two months she call me and suggest our reconciliation, but it happens cause she thinks that I dating someone else and she (my ex) still have the same 'issue' (i.e. gigs) from the first BU and after our second honeymoon some problems come at us again (the others we maneged to fix by ourselves)).

 

*http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/251986-grass-greener-syndrome

 

Try not to compare the ending of your relationship to others. A breakup is simply someone deciding they no longer want to be with you. The reason someone no longer wants to be with you is irrelevant in the end. The result is all the same, you find yourself not with that person.

 

Focus on you now. Find your own happiness, and heal yourself.

[alterest]

Agree with Phil. There is little to be gained by pigeon holing the breakup.

 

Sure if it helps you to believe that she had GIGS, then believe she had GIGS.

 

The fact is, the relationship is over. Whether she had GIGS, POTS, BPD, NASA or CAMRA makes not one jot of difference. The fact is you're broken up and that is the end of it. There's nothing to do but move on.

 

Well, that's completly true.. No matter what is it, what i've got now is that me and her are no longer together.

[alterest]

GIGS is not really a thing, it's more a state of mind. She definitely wants to try out at least one new person. She might have him already, she might not. It could be more than one. All you can really count on, it ain't you.

 

That's true. I think they just put the syndrom term just to be catchy. But is something that everybody passes throught. When she broke up with me, one of her reasons is that her and I want diferent things at that moment (at the moment I think we want same thing, but she wants to see and discover the world. She thinks that everything come easy... even her sister said to me that she is imature and don't know what she wants right now). So, all I can do is heal and move on.

[alterest]

Try not to compare the ending of your relationship to others. A breakup is simply someone deciding they no longer want to be with you. The reason someone no longer wants to be with you is irrelevant in the end. The result is all the same, you find yourself not with that person.

 

Focus on you now. Find your own happiness, and heal yourself.

 

Well, actually I just use those exemples as references. At our first break up, she shows all thoso signs, and now again. I just try to see a pattern in there. But I know is not healthy to me to keeping think about the break up, cause it makes my healing process longer than can be.

 

One more thing, when she broke up with me she ask to me if we still can go to a movie that we've planned go together (i answer that we can't). After that she talks with me (1 week after BU) and posted things that she miss me, and I retribute with my atention and fully talk. One week later she stops comunication, i've tried talk her two times and she was very cold (but polite) and then I call her for a talk. In our meeting (that meeting that I exposed all my feelings and said that I still love her... but I did not give her pressure, just said what I feeling in that moment) she said she could talk to me, but she prefers remains in NC cause our recently BU (then I went fully NC). Any guess why she did that (start talks, call me to go out with her and suddenly stop talks)? My first guess is that she is seeing or trying to seeing someone, and my presence makes she reminds what we live together, and she don't want that right now... But, is just guess (that helps nothing in my healing process)

[alterest]

What do you mean "it can happen"?

 

Like GIGS is some kind of event or disease that can just happen to someone?

 

No, that's just not how it works. GIGS basically means she thinks that she will be better off with someone else. The reasons can be many: a happier life, more fulfilling sex, more commitment, a better connection, less arguments, etc etc. There are many reasons she may think she is better off with someone else but the fact is that she does, and she has acted upon that choice. It's not a condition that just happens. It is a choice.

 

In that case, a person can dump the other even if there's no one in that moment. Just the perspective to find someone else is enough to someone choose end a relationship, right? I said that cause i've already see people that belive someone with gigs only left her partner if they already have someone that they want, not the ossibility to find someone.

 

(in time: i'm not abusive, always support her in her decisions, friendly with her, her family and her friends (no complain about no one... her sister, father-in-law and cousin start a conversation with me and said that they are very sad for her decision, but she is imature and too young to see what she is left behind)... Her complains about me is that Im a little introspective with my feelings and too much happy (that I never showed that I am sad, but thats because im usually not sad at her side). I started to see a psychologist in our last week together and I keep going there for me (makes me feel good.. and she knows that), im no cheater (not even hot talks with other girls))

[alterest]

In the last couple weeks I've became more active in some social medias pages for my own fun. But, I've heard that my exs felt a little upset because of that and because she sees me a lot there.

 

Question: Should I stop doing this? NC is also for those kind of interactions? For me is not a big deal, but I don't know if she sees that like some pressure or desesperate action that she see me more.

 

ps: 1 month of NC and 2 months since BU.

[Chief1970]

Hi, there. Short question about GIGS: That kind of breakup only happens when your ex-partner already have someone? Or this can happen even there's nobody in sight? I've read some threads about it and can't say if the "there's already another person on her/his life" condition must be checked or if some gigers only out to see if they can find something better (or want to live and feel jailed in that relationship), even without a new partner at the moment of BU.

 

Cheers

 

My ex had gigs. She ghosted me. I had a good idea who she was hooking up with. A year later my guest appeared correct. Once that relationship failed, she came back around looking for attention.

[carhill]

The grass can be greener theoretically even without an actual person being involved. The focus is on a feeling, the feeling that fulfillment is elsewhere, even if elsewhere is nebulous.

[Sweetfish]

Gigs doesn't require another person around..

 

The idea that they may be restrictions in a relationship can be enough to jump ship.

[alterest]

My ex had gigs. She ghosted me. I had a good idea who she was hooking up with. A year later my guest appeared correct. Once that relationship failed, she came back around looking for attention.

 

Pretty tough. My ex told me that she doesn't want to talk right now but I could talk to her if I want to.. But, seriusly, no way. I must respect myself by not giving her that kind of ego boost and for my personal healing process works (same for you, I guess).

 

So, what did you do when she looking for you? And how is your relation with her at this point?

[alterest]

The grass can be greener theoretically even without an actual person being involved. The focus is on a feeling, the feeling that fulfillment is elsewhere, even if elsewhere is nebulous.

 

Gigs doesn't require another person around..

 

The idea that they may be restrictions in a relationship can be enough to jump ship.

 

That was I think. But it seems like some people disagree with that. This is not a exact science, so anything could be right. But, gigs may occurs like both of you said. Only the feeling of anything better could be occurs is enough to someone thing anything may be better.

 

In time: First BU my ex keeps in contact, this time she does at begining, then she stopped. She is at the range age (22), I was her first BF and her first LTR (and her first in other stuffs), religious family, she told me she didn't see relationship was good so she call for a talk and BU after spent 10h with me (lunch with her family, diner with mines, out for a movie and BU). But she didn't BU with me for a specific guy. Next day she was already on relationship app looking for someone tho (my friend saw her there), but that is expected for someone at her age, with her lack of relationships and one LTR (almost 3 years together).

[LargoLagg]

GIGS is nothing more than a self-soothing way of saying "I'm not THE ONE". It's an idea that allows you to blame him/her rather than the fact you're not the perfect match you thought you were.

[alterest]

GIGS is nothing more than a self-soothing way of saying "I'm not THE ONE". It's an idea that allows you to blame him/her rather than the fact you're not the perfect match you thought you were.

 

I think many people use this as a excuse. But in a friendly and good relationship that suddenly ends for no aparent reason, I think that could match. One of the major points is also recognize what you've done wrong but, sometimes, is not enough to justify and all the circumstances must be seen. Also, theres some factor that determines who may be with gigs, but even with that is not enough, bc each one is different from each one.

My case, for exemple, I was a good bf, supportive, friendly and so on, but my ex think I am not good enough bc I am a little emotional introspective (sometime I closed myself in my thoughts. But when I did this by her side she gets angry. Funny part, she is also like that, but with minor effects).

I am also blame myself so much for the end, bc bu came out of blue and she point countless reasons (after I justify previous ones), so I note that I'm not entirely guilty and many of her complaints are bc she didn't accepted me as who I am. By what her said during our relationship and bu, she still idealize a relationship and a partner (bc she had no experience in relationships.. as I said, i am the first LTR and BF of her), she complains about her experiences lack (she wants to travel the world, she wants a post graduation, she wants live in another country, she wants to invest in her artist dream... She wants all the world and all things she dream about and think is easy to get it all. Yeah, no focus. She even told me that she had no experience in relationships and complain about didn't met other people, kiss fewers and so on). At the end, her complains are about she felt that she didn't live that much, but she also put all the guilty for her bu in me (she said I am no trustful, for exemple, which is not true at all. I never cheated her, I'm always suportive (she complain about that, but BC I support her but she doesn't like the kind of support I gave to her. I was more rational and trying to help to solve the problem, and she didn't want this), I'm always said that she need persue her dreams and that I want to stay by her side in each achieve, never abuse her (any kind of abuse), never lied to her, always hear what she wants to say, family friend... But even so, she didn't trust me. And she was the one who causes all BU in our relationship and she said that BC I didn't tell all the time my feelings of anything, even things that I and she likes, but she didn't want to do that time, I just accepted (not bc I didn't like them, but if one of the couples don't want, I see no reason to put presure and I expected same for me). Even for our "we don't match" reason, she only said that we wan't different things right now.

 

So, all those things lead me to think that she had gigs, for her lack of experience in many aspects of life, and her "see and live the world" need. BC I have my issues but, come on, that wasn't a major issue that lead to the ruin (not in mature relationship and not when you've seen a doc to fix that). I've used to told her what I felt, usually before sometime thinking about (minutes to weeks, but I opened myself.. And she about to BU with me five times (she wants to talk and take a thinkin week), so I'm afraid of anything could happen, and still opened myself in my way).

 

So, all depends on how type of relationship a couple are, dyanamic, ages, life objectives... In my case, I really think that she had gigs, but I can't say if she will find it or not (not gonna wait her tho). I also think she will try to reconect with in future, BC I was a good guy in so many ways, and my issues are not a big deal. And, well, even her family told me that she is imature, dream about things that is non-real and so on. So, she could be in a dream stage and needs to live all of that. But, again, I don't want to wait for her in any kind of way. If in future we both find each other, ok. Lead it to destiny.

[whatdeww18]

So from my break up experience, I was dead set that the break up was from gigs. I got sad that my ex thought there was better. He initiated contact and we got to talking about the break up again and from what I gathered gigs was a partial reason for the break up in which he found out quite quickly the grass is not really that green. That didn't mean he wanted to come back. And I kind of guessed this as I analyzed over my relationship with him and there were a lot of mistakes that finally built up to him searching for this greener grass, but ultimately the problems that I made were the bigger reason.

 

I think there are cases where the sole reason for a break up is gigs. I've read it, seen it, and seen the consequences. But as you heal, I think it is best that you introspect your relationship and only look at your mistakes first (even if you think you did everything right, could you have communicated feelings better? Could you have shown more affection with small gifts or little surprises?) You can blame yourself for making them, even the small ones, and forgive yourself. The way to do that? Recognize them and know that you won't make them in future relationships. In this light, you will be winning at the end of all this. If it was gigs, and you treated your ex well, he/she will remember all the great things you did and may be in touch. MAY BE. NOT GUARANTEED. If not, you come out a better future prospect for someone that will show you what a healthy relationship is, what love is that it transcends thinking of other grass, and working out problems with you, turning towards you in times of adversity.

 

This is why it is imperative not to focus on the reasons for the break up, rather focus on your mistakes and ultimately with time, if you want, you can see what their mistakes were if there is reconciliation. If they don't own up to these, you'll end up with a failed reconciliation and back to square one.

Good luck my friend

 

-WhatDEWWWWW

[alterest]

So from my break up experience, I was dead set that the break up was from gigs. I got sad that my ex thought there was better. He initiated contact and we got to talking about the break up again and from what I gathered gigs was a partial reason for the break up in which he found out quite quickly the grass is not really that green. That didn't mean he wanted to come back. And I kind of guessed this as I analyzed over my relationship with him and there were a lot of mistakes that finally built up to him searching for this greener grass, but ultimately the problems that I made were the bigger reason.

 

I think there are cases where the sole reason for a break up is gigs. I've read it, seen it, and seen the consequences. But as you heal, I think it is best that you introspect your relationship and only look at your mistakes first (even if you think you did everything right, could you have communicated feelings better? Could you have shown more affection with small gifts or little surprises?) You can blame yourself for making them, even the small ones, and forgive yourself. The way to do that? Recognize them and know that you won't make them in future relationships. In this light, you will be winning at the end of all this. If it was gigs, and you treated your ex well, he/she will remember all the great things you did and may be in touch. MAY BE. NOT GUARANTEED. If not, you come out a better future prospect for someone that will show you what a healthy relationship is, what love is that it transcends thinking of other grass, and working out problems with you, turning towards you in times of adversity.

 

This is why it is imperative not to focus on the reasons for the break up, rather focus on your mistakes and ultimately with time, if you want, you can see what their mistakes were if there is reconciliation. If they don't own up to these, you'll end up with a failed reconciliation and back to square one.

Good luck my friend

 

-WhatDEWWWWW

 

Well, I really think that gigs person is motivated by their reasons, but external factors are also important too. You (and me too) have some issues, but even in good relationships eventually we will make a mistake, BC we all do some mistakes eventually.. It's been human. But gigers can't handle with that and use it as reason for BU. If you did everything right, something may become an issue that lead into BU. But, as you said, we also had situations that only gigs is enough to lead to that end.

 

Altought, this is not a way to free us from our mistake. We indeed need recognize all of them and fix them to become better persons for ourselves. We also don't have to complain about everything and get all the guilty BC we are not the ones who mistakes during relationship. Ofcourse, if you are an abusive person, a cheater, a liar and so on, then you become the only guilty.. Case and case.

 

In general, the best thing we can make is let the person go, improve ourselves, do whatever we can to be trully happy. If they appears in our lifes, we think about how they fit (or not) and may try again (or not). But is more important to respect ourselves and move on. Stay in the past is the worst thing we can do.

[basil67]

Almost all relationships end because a person isn't happy and thinks they can do better for themselves. And in most cases, they do eventually find something more suitable.

[alterest]

Almost all relationships end because a person isn't happy and thinks they can do better for themselves. And in most cases, they do eventually find something more suitable.

 

That's entirely true. I think even people with GIGS end because they felt unconfortable in a relationship. I think some people said GIGS person tend to look with more affection to their first/previous relationship because, as homebrew point in a post, they have no relationship experience, usually they had one or two LTR and they don't have any pattern to compare. Like, first relationship is compare to what? It can only be comparable with an idea that a gigs person had about a relationship, and it's completly unfair compare a failable and real person with an idealized person, but the GIGS person only had it. Not their fault. In some cases, they may return if and only if they couldn't find what they looking for or realize what they had once is truely good but they can't see at that time (and, again, not their fault). But if they do find something better, it is pointless to return to something worst. I think they said the amount of GIGS people that return is huge, cause they usually left by their own unhappiness, and the few that dumpee did at that time is enough to lead to BU (like any minor things. If the dumpee is abusive, cheater, liar and so on, they do have reasons and they don't usually look back).

 

Not sure if that makes sense, but at this point it's seems a good argue and point to this subject.