Gigs short question [UPDATE: ex in hospital]

[Slimtripper]

That's entirely true. I think even people with GIGS end because they felt unconfortable in a relationship. I think some people said GIGS person tend to look with more affection to their first/previous relationship because, as homebrew point in a post, they have no relationship experience, usually they had one or two LTR and they don't have any pattern to compare. Like, first relationship is compare to what? It can only be comparable with an idea that a gigs person had about a relationship, and it's completly unfair compare a failable and real person with an idealized person, but the GIGS person only had it. Not their fault. In some cases, they may return if and only if they couldn't find what they looking for or realize what they had once is truely good but they can't see at that time (and, again, not their fault). But if they do find something better, it is pointless to return to something worst. I think they said the amount of GIGS people that return is huge, cause they usually left by their own unhappiness, and the few that dumpee did at that time is enough to lead to BU (like any minor things. If the dumpee is abusive, cheater, liar and so on, they do have reasons and they don't usually look back).

 

Not sure if that makes sense, but at this point it's seems a good argue and point to this subject.

 

This whole "gigs" thing was made up by a guy on here who got dumped the. Let himself be a support system to his ex while she went out and continually cheated on him. She never came back. Home brew his name was, look him up.

There is no such thing as a grass is greener syndrome. Any self respecting person would not take someone back after they go sleep with someone.

If that person does go out and not find something better, which is dependent on how their new dating game goes, not you. And they do come back, your relationship is then ****ed.

Every story on here of someone returning ends up with them breaking up eventually.

They left you, not because of some mental syndrome. It's because of YOU.

Probably too needy, or not giving any support emotionally, a number of things.

But trust me, it's YOU. Not a syndrome made up by a weak weak guy on here who couldn't rip off the band aid and took the pussy way out and acted like a doormat until she completely left him.

They have left you. Move on

[LargoLagg]

I think many people use this as a excuse. But in a friendly and good relationship that suddenly ends for no aparent reason, I think that could match. One of the major points is also recognize what you've done wrong but, sometimes, is not enough to justify and all the circumstances must be seen. Also, theres some factor that determines who may be with gigs, but even with that is not enough, bc each one is different from each one.

My case, for exemple, I was a good bf, supportive, friendly and so on, but my ex think I am not good enough bc I am a little emotional introspective (sometime I closed myself in my thoughts. But when I did this by her side she gets angry. Funny part, she is also like that, but with minor effects).

I am also blame myself so much for the end, bc bu came out of blue and she point countless reasons (after I justify previous ones), so I note that I'm not entirely guilty and many of her complaints are bc she didn't accepted me as who I am. By what her said during our relationship and bu, she still idealize a relationship and a partner (bc she had no experience in relationships.. as I said, i am the first LTR and BF of her), she complains about her experiences lack (she wants to travel the world, she wants a post graduation, she wants live in another country, she wants to invest in her artist dream... She wants all the world and all things she dream about and think is easy to get it all. Yeah, no focus. She even told me that she had no experience in relationships and complain about didn't met other people, kiss fewers and so on). At the end, her complains are about she felt that she didn't live that much, but she also put all the guilty for her bu in me (she said I am no trustful, for exemple, which is not true at all. I never cheated her, I'm always suportive (she complain about that, but BC I support her but she doesn't like the kind of support I gave to her. I was more rational and trying to help to solve the problem, and she didn't want this), I'm always said that she need persue her dreams and that I want to stay by her side in each achieve, never abuse her (any kind of abuse), never lied to her, always hear what she wants to say, family friend... But even so, she didn't trust me. And she was the one who causes all BU in our relationship and she said that BC I didn't tell all the time my feelings of anything, even things that I and she likes, but she didn't want to do that time, I just accepted (not bc I didn't like them, but if one of the couples don't want, I see no reason to put presure and I expected same for me). Even for our "we don't match" reason, she only said that we wan't different things right now.

 

So, all those things lead me to think that she had gigs, for her lack of experience in many aspects of life, and her "see and live the world" need. BC I have my issues but, come on, that wasn't a major issue that lead to the ruin (not in mature relationship and not when you've seen a doc to fix that). I've used to told her what I felt, usually before sometime thinking about (minutes to weeks, but I opened myself.. And she about to BU with me five times (she wants to talk and take a thinkin week), so I'm afraid of anything could happen, and still opened myself in my way).

 

So, all depends on how type of relationship a couple are, dyanamic, ages, life objectives... In my case, I really think that she had gigs, but I can't say if she will find it or not (not gonna wait her tho). I also think she will try to reconect with in future, BC I was a good guy in so many ways, and my issues are not a big deal. And, well, even her family told me that she is imature, dream about things that is non-real and so on. So, she could be in a dream stage and needs to live all of that. But, again, I don't want to wait for her in any kind of way. If in future we both find each other, ok. Lead it to destiny.

You're really overthinking it. Look at it this way. You could have been any kind of boyfriend, from the worst one alive (let's call that a zero) to the perfect boyfriend (we'll call that a 10). Chances are you were somewhere between those two numbers.

 

Given that most people aren't perfect, it stands to reason then, that BF and GF will put up with some level of imperfection. Given that everybody is different, some people will put up with more, and others with less.

 

But what most people will not put up with is a lack of interest in the other person. This is not reflective of whether you're a 1 or a 9. You could be either. You could be a 0.9, but if the girl is interested in you, she'll usually stay. Conversely, you could be a 9.9, but if she's not interested in you, there's nothing that can make her stay.

 

So this is a different thing entirely. It has to do with her interest in YOU. YOU PERSONALLY.

 

So GIGS, again, is a way of putting the blame on the other person. She must be leaving because she thinks she can do better than me. But that's not pinpoint accurate. Going back to the rating system, if you're a 9.9 and she has mild interest, you might hold your own. But if she has no interest, then you're going to lose out to even a 6 in whom she has a lot of interest.

 

What you're really fighting against is her level of interest in you, and it may or may not do with how good of a boyfriend, or how mature or how WHATEVER you were. When this happens, you can think of it as being a lot like when you get a new toy or game, and you play it all the time, and then one day, you get a little tired of it. It's not that it's a bad game all of a sudden, or that there are better games out there. It's a fine game! You're just getting tired of playing it, and eventually, you decide you'd like to try a new game.

 

It's a lot like that, unless you gave her a compelling reason to bolt.

[alterest]

Hi, guys.

 

SHORT STORY: Ex BU twice. After the last BU she join on a relationship app the day before BU and after a week she started contact me repetidly with random subjects and posts about how she felt lonely and miss someone (that I think it was me) until she went on a event/party (that she invited me more than once, include in the day of our BU) and suddenly stopped contact me. I've tried to talk her two or three times after that, but receive lack of her attention. I call her for a talk, she accepted, then asked for postpone, then we schedule our meeting. I talk about my feelings and that I still love her and so on, and asked her what she expected from us and and she said that she doesn't want to talk right now, but she will respond me if I talk to her. I see no reason to talk to her, and went in NC since then (almost 7 weeks now. The last time a sae her FB page she posted a lot about how she was happy and empowered and love herself and enjoy freedom. Don't know now). She never tried contact me and her only direct interact with me since our last meeting was a week ago on a serious post on FB page named to me which her reacted with a laugh (sarcastic way, in my POV).

 

QUESTION: Should I send greetings or just ignore her? Do you guys will send anything to your exs? (at the time I wrote this post, christmas had passed and she didn't sent me a thing. I confess that I felt bad for that, BC I see myself as a meaningless person to her)

Edited December 26, 2016 by alterest

[Jason0000]

It's me again, let me try to help you with your decision.

 

I would say stay in no contact even if it's her birthday because I experienced that on my own skin. Young girl = Wanting big ego boost. Don't give that to her. Be unavailable. If she really loves you she will find a way to get to you and hopefully apologize for all the pain she put you through.

 

They say women are like cats. If you chaseher she's running away. If you ignore her she wants to cuddle around you.

 

Stay strong man.

[alterest]

It's me again, let me try to help you with your decision.

 

I would say stay in no contact even if it's her birthday because I experienced that on my own skin. Young girl = Wanting big ego boost. Don't give that to her. Be unavailable. If she really loves you she will find a way to get to you and hopefully apologize for all the pain she put you through.

 

They say women are like cats. If you chaseher she's running away. If you ignore her she wants to cuddle around you.

 

Stay strong man.

 

Thank you very much for your participation. I feel like I have to greet her to continues to be a politly man (but I also think I felt I little bit tied to her yet, that makes me think that). But for all what happened it becomes pointless since she told me that is meaningless talk to an ex right now. I also think she likes ego boost (for her attention seek) and that she already have that right now. Anyway, best thing to do is keep NC. Don't know if in future she will come around me, but for my healing purpouse NC is the best thing I can do.

[alterest]

Hey folks, my gf left me after our reconciliation and it last for around 6 months and our first relationship (our RS before BU last for around 2 years). I talked to her two months ago and since then full NC. Around a week ago she talked to me after those two months asking how am I doing, told me things about her life and asked about mine (as far as I know, those are breadcrumbs).

 

I didn't gave her any kind of opening and she change a lot since BU. She used to be a home person (tv, books and games) and suddenly, just after BU, she became a partier and a flirter person. And I have no idea what she is looking for and I know that no one knows that, but her. But I asking this for your life experience.

 

So, my question is: Should I expect more of these behaviour? What ex wanting with these kind of approach (by your experience)?

 

Thx

[fairyfloff]

from my experience, I've been in no contact for almost 3m now, every month I would get some prank calls but he stopped last month, I've texted him to stop contacting me.

 

I had a moment of weakness a few weeks ago (when I started posting here), really struggled, probably had too long of a break and the pain kicked in

Since I've been at work again I have come to acceptance that he will not be contacting me anymore and there is no hope for us. I still think about him all the time, but its not hurting as much but I never know when I'll crash again..

[umirano]

Breadcrumbs just started. Should I expect more?

 

Yes, there's usually more. They don't necessarily come in regular intervals. They come generally when the dumper is bored / frustrated / stressed. They don't mean anything beyond that. Block, delete, ignore.

 

When the dumper kneels on your doorstep, imploring you under tears to hear them out, that's when you can start to pay attention.

[jamili]

Yes, there's usually more. They don't necessarily come in regular intervals. They come generally when the dumper is bored / frustrated / stressed. They don't mean anything beyond that. Block, delete, ignore.

 

When the dumper kneels on your doorstep, imploring you under tears to hear them out, that's when you can start to pay attention.

 

I have this mindset currently, and my Ex is also giving me the strangest breadcrumbs in irregular intervals, and still is nearly 4 months after the breakup. I still have been strict NC and ignoring her.

 

However, sometimes I wonder... would everyone go to the point of "begging for another chance at your doorstep"? I mean, that's a really huge move that makes the dumper super vulnerable. I wonder if the average person would have the balls to do that sort of thing, and face rejection from the dumpee. Do you ever think the breadcrumbs might be an attempt to passively open a door to communication so that they could apologize and try to reconcile, or does it always have to be that grand gesture/doorstep thing?

 

I agree with your logic, it's just that sometimes I fear this, and it leaves me uneasy each time I ignore a breadcrumb

[Been]

Bread crumbs will continue as long as you ALLOW it.

BLOCK her you'll be better off. At first it might not seem that way but eventually you'll be better off.

By allowing her to drop texts your almost saying hey I'm still here if you need to run back to me for security/comfort.

She left you. She doesn't get to ask how your doing or tell you her latest adventures in life. She gave that up when she decided she didn't want you to be in her life anymore. BLOCK HER.

[marky00]

I have this mindset currently, and my Ex is also giving me the strangest breadcrumbs in irregular intervals, and still is nearly 4 months after the breakup. I still have been strict NC and ignoring her.

 

However, sometimes I wonder... would everyone go to the point of "begging for another chance at your doorstep"? I mean, that's a really huge move that makes the dumper super vulnerable. I wonder if the average person would have the balls to do that sort of thing, and face rejection from the dumpee. Do you ever think the breadcrumbs might be an attempt to passively open a door to communication so that they could apologize and try to reconcile, or does it always have to be that grand gesture/doorstep thing?

 

I agree with your logic, it's just that sometimes I fear this, and it leaves me uneasy each time I ignore a breadcrumb

 

 

Yeah

 

 

I am in the same dilemma.

 

 

Any dumper with respect for themselves won't straight admit they messed up or w/e. That is unrealistic. And actually, if they talk like that, the reconciliation will probably fail.

 

 

I'm finding really hard to assess the breadcrumbs but I think there are 2 words :

 

 

Consistency

Vulnerability

 

 

If this is what you are picking up in the breadcrumbs, then maybe its something more.

[basil67]

I'm not sure I understand the 'breadcrumb' thing. To me, breadcrumbs are what we lay when we want to lure a bird (or ex) back to us. But there's also cases where an ex (wisely or not) wants to be 'just friends' or continue as acquaintances. I can't see that being friendly without wanting to get back together would be breadcrumbs.

 

Now, your ex's approach? I can't see anything in her behaviour which would make me think she's trying to lure you back. She may simply be wanting to have you in her life to a limited degree.

 

Try not to read too much into her behaviour.

[Sweetfish]

I have this mindset currently, and my Ex is also giving me the strangest breadcrumbs in irregular intervals, and still is nearly 4 months after the breakup. I still have been strict NC and ignoring her.

 

However, sometimes I wonder... would everyone go to the point of "begging for another chance at your doorstep"? I mean, that's a really huge move that makes the dumper super vulnerable. I wonder if the average person would have the balls to do that sort of thing, and face rejection from the dumpee. Do you ever think the breadcrumbs might be an attempt to passively open a door to communication so that they could apologize and try to reconcile, or does it always have to be that grand gesture/doorstep thing?

 

I agree with your logic, it's just that sometimes I fear this, and it leaves me uneasy each time I ignore a breadcrumb

 

Because women rely on emotion more than logic.

 

Because when you do not respond to the breadcrumbs she will have a desire to talk to you more. She may conclude since i desire to talk to him i must really do love him. Sometime she wants you... but not romantically because she fears the pain she experience during the breakup is something she doesn't want to experience.

 

In all, if she is reaching out to you... its more for her benefit than your benefit.

 

Women do have the balls to do this.... female dumpers do not believe they truly lost a man. They feel they have the power to get him back anytime. Thats why exes come back when you have a new girlfriend. That is when true loss is inflicted.

Edited January 15, 2017 by Sweetfish

[elaine567]

Women do have the balls to do this.... female dumpers do not believe they truly lost a man. They feel they have the power to get him back anytime. Thats why exes come back when you have a new girlfriend. That is when true loss is inflicted.

 

Male dumpers do the same.

Dumping someone puts the dumper in a position of power. The dumpee is heart broken and will do almost anything to get back together and it is all on the dumper to say yeah or nay.

 

Breadcrumbs test the water.

 

Dumper: "Are you still hankering after me?"

Yes, well good, nice talking to you, maybe we can meet up for coffee sometime.

(Not likely, but maybe if I feel I need an ego boost or a shoulder to cry on)

 

Dumper: Are you still hankering after me?

NO? You have moved on? You have a new bf/gf, really? OK let's meet up for some coffee/dinner as friends, how about Friday.

(Maybe I can persuade her/him get rid of the bf/gf with my charms and a bit of nostalgia. Do I want him/her back? God no, but I can't allow him/her to just forget me all together, can I?...)

[Sweetfish]

Male dumpers do the same.

Dumping someone puts the dumper in a position of power. The dumpee is heart broken and will do almost anything to get back together and it is all on the dumper to say yeah or nay.

 

Breadcrumbs test the water.

 

Dumper: "Are you still hankering after me?"

Yes, well good, nice talking to you, maybe we can meet up for coffee sometime.

(Not likely, but maybe if I feel I need an ego boost or a shoulder to cry on)

 

Dumper: Are you still hankering after me?

NO? You have moved on? You have a new bf/gf, really? OK let's meet up for some coffee/dinner as friends, how about Friday.

(Maybe I can persuade her/him get rid of the bf/gf with my charms and a bit of nostalgia. Do I want him/her back? God no, but I can't allow him/her to just forget me all together, can I?...)

 

This response was specific to the poster. Dumping is a position of power male or female, but a male breadcrumb and a female breadcrumb are two totally different animals. Its very rare that a male "just wants to be friends" and women are more incline to just want the emotional feelings or attention and not actually be romantically involved.

[elaine567]

Its very rare that a male "just wants to be friends" and women are more incline to just want the emotional feelings or attention and not actually be romantically involved.

 

Yes men it seems are more likely to just want to keep exes around for sexual availability, rather than platonic friendship.

[Jimmyjackson]

Yes men it seems are more likely to just want to keep exes around for sexual availability, rather than platonic friendship.

 

Really, why? Are men the only sex with sexual urges?

 

Both men and women can want to keep an ex around for either reason.

[elaine567]

Really, why? Are men the only sex with sexual urges?

 

Both men and women can want to keep an ex around for either reason.

It was from a survey and subsequent thread on here a while ago, I'll try and find it.

[alterest]

I'm not sure I understand the 'breadcrumb' thing. To me, breadcrumbs are what we lay when we want to lure a bird (or ex) back to us. But there's also cases where an ex (wisely or not) wants to be 'just friends' or continue as acquaintances. I can't see that being friendly without wanting to get back together would be breadcrumbs.

 

Now, your ex's approach? I can't see anything in her behaviour which would make me think she's trying to lure you back. She may simply be wanting to have you in her life to a limited degree.

 

Try not to read too much into her behaviour.

 

Well, I'm using her pattern from our last BU and even for her behaviour (as far as I know) to think that way. Every time she feels alone or anything else, she run after me. I also saw her FB after she contacted me and she became more active recently, and she only do this when she feel alone. Also, she didn't talk to me for two months, not even a merry christmas or HNY wishes. I really don't know what hell is going on, but I prefer to prepare myself for the worst.

 

She send messages until midnight and I went to sleep. In next morning I answered her and she reply politly but didn't try to continues conversation. So, I think she felt loneliness, talk to me, and next day she felt better so ok didn't talk anymore.

 

Anyway, you are right. She could back to me just for friendship and nothing more. Best move is keep moving on.

[alterest]

Yes men it seems are more likely to just want to keep exes around for sexual availability, rather than platonic friendship.

 

I think even male and female dumpers prefer to keep dumpees around for guarantee or for sexual pupouse. Maybe is good for their ego keep dumpees around and if anything fails, they have somebody safe to back. And they lose their minds when they see dumpees move on, especially when they have another person in their lifes. My ex back to me when she discovered that I met another girl and went to a trip with her (I made no post about it, even that she discovered), and six months later she broke up again and shange her lifestyle completly.

 

Maybe she checked out if I was open for her and if I yet a safe place, but I didn't gave her any motive to think in that way. Her last words don't show me any kind of "I will try again in a time", but when she end with me I didn't expected that she will talk to me... And she did. By what you all say, I may see her aprroach me anytime from now.

[alterest]

Hi, guys. I've had a clean BU with my ex, went 2 months NC then she looked after me (i've created a thread about her breadcrumbs). Recently i've heard that she was in a hospital and I am very concerned about her and I don't know if it's ok asking her if anything is alright and so on (don't want her back, i'm trully concerned about her). We had a clean BU, and her breadcrumbs came two weeks ago. By your experience, what should you do in that situation?

 

Cheers

[Nadine123]

I would contact her out of decency to be honest.

[alterest]

I would contact her out of decency to be honest.

 

Thank you, Nadine. I did it. Hoping for nothing serious.

[ExpatInItaly]

I agree with Nadine; I think under the circumstances, it's understandable you'd want to contact her.

 

Keep us posted, OP.

[alterest]

Nothing big. Her mom went there to do some exams and stayed there all night long and she slept there. We talked a little bit about other things, and back to NC.

 

Thank you again, people!