My wife is attracted to women - which is OK.

[JHandy]

I'm pretty much there. Thank you!

 

I was hoping to accommodate something that may not need any accommodation. She in many ways satisfies many of my fantasies and hopes I had in my previous marriage and she makes me feel whole. I want to give that to her in these areas if there was any way I could. Maybe there isn't. I would like to add any spice she may want. I try things every once in a great while and though it seems to go well, i don't get much response and don't know if it was a good thing or not.

 

I can see her getting frustrated if I try to discuss it too much. But other than what I see, I really don't know what she really wants. She's not the kind of person who vocalizes what she wants regardless of what it is. I'm doing a lot of guessing. With this post, I was hoping for a little more insight to give me a hand. But I can see where this could go on several planes.

 

We are happy.

[Mrin]

(A woman w unsatisfied desires is not a force to be trifled with.)

 

Quoted for truth.

[Mr. Lucky]

We are happy.

 

Then you're ahead of the game and that means you've got very little to gain and an awful lot to lose. Live a rich fantasy life and count your blessings...

 

Mr. Lucky

[oldshirt]

Will the longing stop for her?

 

.

 

Assuming you are a heterosexual male, will you ever stop longing for women?

 

Our orientation and our basic desire never goes away.

[oldshirt]

 

What do you think she wants from me in this area?

 

.

 

In my mid 20s I dated a gal for a few years that turned out to be an undercover lesbian.

 

I had felt a "disturbance in the Force" and felt that something was wrong for quite some time but could never put my finger on it.

 

She was the one pushing to get married and move forward in the relationship and blamed my foot-dragging and lack of commitment for all of our woes, but I always felt something else wasn't quite right.

 

Finally one night she met a gal after she and some coworkers went out after work. They way she talked about this gal and how she wanted to spend time with her all the time was my wake up call. Then everything suddenly made sense.

 

Within two weeks of her meeting this other woman, I was pretty much left along the shoulder of the road fading in her rearview mirror and within a month, I was out of the picture and she was moving in with the other woman.

 

I was kind of bummed of course, but I wasn't angry or bitter. A part of me wanted to blame myself and think that I was so bad that not only did she dump me, but she dumped the whole male race, but the better part of me realized that this was just who and what she was and that it really had nothing to do with me. I was never in the running to begin with.

 

I really believe that the reason she was going out with me was because she wanted to live a mainstream life with a husband and 2.2 kids and weekend barbecues with the neighbors in our little house with the white picket fence.

 

I don't think she was lesbian by choice. I think she was fighting her nature and her nature won.

 

We remained on cordial if not actually friendly terms and are friends on social media now, 25 years later.

 

Additionally, in my swinging days, I knew a number of couples where the fem half is basically the same way. I used to call them 'married lesbians.' They were married out of social and family obligation and wanted to be part of mainstream society and not raise eyebrows at PTA meetings and church socials, but their actual sexual desire and intimate comfort level is with other women.

 

While they may be married to a man, many seemed to have a pretty noticeable distrust and discomfort around men.

 

I think the men in their lives provided them with the creature comforts and societal acceptance of a traditional wife and mother, but their hearts and their loins belonged to women.

 

I think their husbands initially were titillated and enticed by the prospects of their wives getting down with other women and of course they were chomping at the bit for some FMF 3-way action, but what often actually ended up happening is they would get shoved off into the corner or were even outright given the cold shoulder once the women started doing their thing.

 

My old GF would have disemboweled me if I had ever suggested any kind of 3way or anything like that.

 

Most women, regardless of how much they like men, appreciate the beauty and softness and sexiness of other women and may like to touch and rub up against one now and then.

 

Some can even swing both ways and be good with it.

 

But a woman who has a true, deep down desire and ongoing attraction for women in the general, can be an actual red flag for a man.

 

A guy with a woman like that is at a very high risk of just being a beta provider for her and a means of making her family and her church elders happy and a way to fit in to mainstream society and not someone that she actually has a true desire for.

[Jump Through Loops]

Don't push it, don't force it, let it happen naturally.

 

OP, I 'get' you and admire you, but it isn't your place to push this further than where you guys are now. Step away from trying to force this upon her.

[JHandy]

Been doing a lot of thinking over the night. Though I agree that I'm fine where we are in our marriage and probably shouldn't push for stuff that could ruin it, I'm wondering why?

 

The question is not why does a women who may prefer women marry a man. The social norms and religious matters is a huge legitimate reason. My wife even suggested that as a part of her reasons.

 

The question is, why would such a woman choose to attempt to erase such a huge part of her being?

 

To the women here, hypothetically or actually - if you preferred women or are bi, but married a man regardless, can you have a fulfilled life? Would you be always wanting more?

 

In your wildest dreams or in the realm of fantasy, how would you keep your happiness with your husband and still satisfy your yearnings without things blowing up? In an ideal setting, what would you want of your husband, in order to have your cake and eat it too?

 

Not that the answers will change my course right now, I think I'm good with the advice I've gotten to this point. If things present themselves in the future by her, I want to be prepared and I want to be as there for her as I can be. Ultimately, I'm in my marriage to the "death do we part" thing.

 

I know my toes are deeply dipped into the waters of imposibility, but if I had a few years to ponder these things, I may have a fighting chance to be what she needs me to be - maybe not - who knows.

Edited December 7, 2016 by JHandy
Added one more thought.

[jen1447]

So I take it this is actually a turn-on for you? You have the distinct sound of someone who has both intellectual concerns and arousal.

 

Best just to put that out front so we can address the actual situ.

[JHandy]

You have the distinct sound of someone who has both intellectual concerns and arousal.

 

You read me well :/

 

Please don't take it badly though. Yes, it is a turn on and I can't explain why. It was one of the things that attracted me to her from the beginning. It's been a cool novelty in a way. I've been with her for several years and the intensity remains. Over the years , I've been wanting my wife and I to "play" with this somehow but am clueless as to how and now after these posts a bit fearful.

 

Regardless, recently I've begun to wonder about her and what she could want. There have been a few incidents that suggested a possible intensity increase.

 

I just don't know what to do. Above all, I would love to have an openness with her that if she developed a crush on a woman (which is what I'm thinking may be happening) then she can be comfortable with that and not feel weird about it. I see it being no different than if I did the same. It's just a crush. It happens. I understand why. I just want the icky crazy stuff that usually happens not happen with us because of misunderstanding and incorrect assumptions that floats about.

Edited December 7, 2016 by JHandy

[jen1447]

Well you don't have to feel bad lol ....everyone finds it hot. That said, this could turn upside down on you in ways you're not anticipating, so first let me try to talk you out of it. (Then I'll tell you how to do it. )

 

Ok so are you prepared to be potentially marginalized by another woman in the picture, or even worse, replaced? Those are real possibilities if you open that gate and your wife steps thru.

 

First of all she may develop an emotional and/or romantic connection w another woman that appeals to her in a way you don't. So it's not just a physical risk.

 

BUT, as far as physical goes, you have to be prepared to accept that sex could be much more gratifying w a woman than it is w you. Most guys just get blindly excited by the "lesbo!" allure and maybe feel like it's unfair to limit her to only what you can provide, but the reality is, any woman will very likely be better at eating pussy than you are. And the real kicker is this - some might even be better at your own game. (Read: dick.) If that were to happen, god help you bc there's not much more devastating can happen than to be utterly replaced like that, and by someone you thought had no business even competing at your game, let alone beating you at it.

 

So are you scared enough to run back to safety yet and pretend this conversation never happened?

[oldshirt]

I know my toes are deeply dipped into the waters of imposibility, but if I had a few years to ponder these things, I may have a fighting chance to be what she needs me to be - maybe not - who knows.

 

That may depend on her degree of sexual orientation.

 

A man can do many things but being a woman is not one of them.

[oldshirt]

I think some of the concerns and warnings that Jen brings up are valid and worthy of consideration.

 

I think the best description she uses is the word "marginalization."

 

Yes it may be very enticing and titillating to have the thought of another woman in your bed, but when dealing with a wife that has a significant degree of attraction and interest in women, you do run a very real risk of being on the outside of the "Girl's Club" wanting to look in.

 

It's no different than the gay guys that marry a woman. They may mow the lawn and change the oil in the car and bring home a good paycheck and many of the things that a husband is supposed to do, but once the truth comes out the wives always report that there was always something "missing" in the marriage.

 

The risk you run here is that your wife may begin to compartmentalize her life to where you are the one that mows the lawn, unclogs the toilet, brings home the paycheck, but the one she gets her lovins and passion and orgasms from is her GF(s).

 

She may continue to be a good roommate and a good friend and may continue to do many wifely duties within the marriage, but you must be prepared for the risk that her desire may shift to her GF(s) and you basically become just another one of her guy friends that happens to live in the house and share a last name.

[JHandy]

I think I ditched scared a while ago when we got married with me knowing what I *think* I know about my wife. Believe me, I would prefer things be "normal" but that's what I had in my previous marriage which crashed and burned.

 

And trust me, when it comes to me vs. a woman with a lesbian, I'm not in the arena, I'm not in the arena's city. I'm not even in the state, region or even country :/

 

But I'm an optimist- tragically at times.

 

When I started to suspect things and started to like the notion she might have w preference for women, I learned - from some lesbians online - how to best treat a pussy. I do quite well and leave her quite spent and at times with several climaxes in succession. But I'm sure I'm still too rough - especially when unshaven. I do at times, make my visits down there more intense - well shaven and as soft and firm as I can. Probably more often than I should, don't spend enough time. I always keep my clinax after hers to keep my interests peeked throughout.

 

It's my looks that have me at a real disadvantage. She likes the look of a pretty female over a well shaped man (which I'm not :/) and she doesn't care for the look of a man's dick. Kinda the only thing that's frustrating - but other than sex stuff, she's an incredible person and she makes me a better man and a happy husband/father.

 

I also cannot compete on the emotional playing field as much as I try and wish I could. We are close and we do confide with each other, but she still needs her friends and family - which is cool.

 

She could fall in love with a woman - easily. She's very sensual. She has said in unrelated conversations however that she couldn't live with another woman as a couple, so I don't know how far she would go. I do know she loves me a lot. I can see it in her eyes. I saw it in the beginning it when I did something stupid that ends up hurting her. I have ample feelings that if she did fall in love, she would end it or avoid it.

 

So far she says her attraction is only physical.

 

All I can say is life is a risk. The richest parts of my life came from being on the edge of something.

[jen1447]

Alright. Well you almost sound like a cuckold for women.

 

So how have you tried to broach this in the past, and what exactly has been your wife's response?

[JHandy]

Maybe 5 or 6 times over the last 3 to 4 years.

 

We were bing-watching the L-Word series and she would always got hot. So I started asking her what she thought about lesbian sex and the appearance women in general. She just affirmed a lot of what I was thinking. It surprised me when she said she likes seeing a pussy over seeing a dick. She loves breasts and she is drawn to a woman's clevage.

 

All we have done sporadically is tell lesbian fantasies during sex, but she covers by saying she's doing it for me.

 

She admitted one time to having a crush on a female college classmate.

 

Beyond that we've done nothing else.

[oldshirt]

BUT, as far as physical goes, you have to be prepared to accept that sex could be much more gratifying w a woman than it is w you. Most guys just get blindly excited by the "lesbo!" allure and maybe feel like it's unfair to limit her to only what you can provide, but the reality is, any woman will very likely be better at eating pussy than you are. And the real kicker is this - some might even be better at your own game. (Read: dick.) If that were to happen, god help you bc there's not much more devastating can happen than to be utterly replaced like that, and by someone you thought had no business even competing at your game, let alone beating you at it.

 

 

I agree that this is always a risk.

 

However I don't think it is that simple and I don't think the average wife is that easily swayed by orgasms.

 

Most wives have probably had someone give better oral or give a better pounding than their husband at some point.

 

Assuming that the marriage is healthy and functional and assuming the husband is a decent, caring person that is sincere about wanting to please his wife and is able to provide her pleasure and orgasms in the first place, I don't see a normal, primarily-heterosexual wife leaving her husband because some gal can carpet munch better and/or work a strap-on better. Most people simply aren't that shallow.

 

If a wife leaves a healthy, functional marriage and leaves a kind, caring, decent husband that makes a good faith effort in satisfying her sexually, it is because her sexual orientation is such that she simply feels more natural to be with a woman. In otherwords if she leaves, it's because of her orientation, not because of the other woman's oral skilz.

[jen1447]

Ok. And does she get angry or resentful when you bring it up? iirc you said she was exasperated w you over it - why is that?

[JHandy]

Initially yes. But then with a few drinks she would say some provocative things. Other times we talked, she was open about it. The last time we talked about it she was a little exasperated so I stopped talking.

 

So it's up and down I guess.

[jen1447]

Ok that means she's into it but she may not want to acknowledge the extent, and also she's prob a little put off by your excitement over it and sees it as juvenile/puerile etc. when for her it's likely very adult. (And not just in the obvious way.)

 

Only thing you can do is be straight up w her about it and respectful. Ask to have a talk (as opposed to sneaking it in or trying to finesse her) and admit to her that you find the idea very hot and don't apologize for that but don't come off like your own little porno reel is running in the background either. (She doesn't want to feel like she's being objectified in the process and you're BSing her to make a fantasy come true.) Then be straight up about your concerns that you're holding her back from something that could be very fundamental to her sexuality and rewarding in her life and ask directly if she wants to explore and tell her you'd be ok w it and that you're confident you could handle it as a couple.

 

Then the biggest thing - accept whatever she tells you.

 

Ultimately this just isn't your show and she's gonna do whatever she's gonna do regardless, but at least you can put the thing forward w dignity and honesty. That's your best shot for both your interests.

 

Who's she hot for btw?

[Mr. Lucky]

To the women here, hypothetically or actually - if you preferred women or are bi, but married a man regardless, can you have a fulfilled life? Would you be always wanting more?

 

In your wildest dreams or in the realm of fantasy, how would you keep your happiness with your husband and still satisfy your yearnings without things blowing up? In an ideal setting, what would you want of your husband, in order to have your cake and eat it too?

 

I'm not sure why you insist on seeing your marriage as different.

 

Your wife and I have a lot in common . We're both attracted to other women and we both gave up the opportunity for sex with them when we married.

 

Your questions are more about commitment and marriage than they are about bi-curious women...

 

Mr. Lucky

[JHandy]

Only thing you can do is be straight up w her about it and respectful. Ask to have a talk (as opposed to sneaking it in or trying to finesse her) and admit to her that you find the idea very hot and don't apologize for that but don't come off like your own little porno reel is running in the background either. (She doesn't want to feel like she's being objectified in the process and you're BSing her to make a fantasy come true.)

 

This I've done which she was somewhat fascinated with.

 

Then be straight up about your concerns that you're holding her back from something that could be very fundamental to her sexuality and rewarding in her life and ask directly if she wants to explore and tell her you'd be ok w it and that you're confident you could handle it as a couple.

 

This I've kinda done. She asserts that she doesn't want to do anything other than what she can get through fantasy and hardly that. I think this is something she's drilling down to suppress. Maybe seeing how futile it is. I haven't asked her if she wants to explore. I'm not sure I could handle that right now.

 

So where exploring and experimenting is likely not on the table for her and me - at least for now - suppression is in high gear which I think is causing her some issues.

 

I think there must be things that can be done to take this element out or at least lower its strength. Maybe through steps, we can figure things out more clearly.

 

I think any man who discusses this stuff appears adolescent for good reason.

 

She and I chose to be where we are understanding this thing to some level. I want to be that which she can then open up and she and I can go forward with neiither of us being unfulfilled. I'm out of ideas. And I think she may be at a point where if I talk about it anymore it's only going to cause problems.

 

Maybe I've done all I can.

 

Hopefully, in the end, what ever we do, we do together.

[jen1447]

Ok well if you've already tried everything the right way and got all your answers then you're just at the "accept what she tells you" part. Not sure what else you expect to happen ....?

[aileD]

Leave sex out of it for a min. could your wife fall in love with a woman?

 

Cuz see. I could do stuff secuskkybeith a woman. Could be fun, women are attractive and it could be hot. But, I'm just not wired to fall in love with a woman.

 

If she has the potential to in love with a woman, you are opening up a can of worms for your marriage if you give her the green light to explore.

[JHandy]

Your wife and I have a lot in common . We're both attracted to other women and we both gave up the opportunity for sex with them when we married.

 

This is my point. Other people are out.

 

I get everything what I want from her. My wife is only getting a part of what she needs. I'm only trying to figure out a way she can enjoy this part of her - if there is a way. Maybe there isn't.

 

If there isn't, we move on as we are which isn't a bad thing.

[pteromom]

She may have absolutely no desire to act on her attraction.

 

I notice beautiful women and make occasional comments to my boyfriend. I don't mind watching lesbian porn. I think it's common for both men and women to be turned on by lesbian porn, more common than gay porn. But, I have absolutely no desire to be with a woman. I'm very attracted to my boyfriend and I don't want anything or anyone but him.

 

Seriously, you could really be making a mountain out of a molehill. Unless she comes to you and tells you that she wants to act on her attraction/feelings, I don't know that you have any reason to be concerned.

 

This is what I was going to say too! There is a big difference between fantasy and reality. The IDEA of being with a woman may be exciting to consider, and she may find women sexy and beautiful to look at, but that doesn't mean she wants to actually sleep with one in real life! Real life has smells and tastes and fluids and other people and their messy feelings and emotional responses to things. Unless someone truly is bi or gay, they aren't going to want to take on all that stuff in real life. It's JUST about the fantasy.

 

This isn't an elephant in the room. It's just a fun sidetrip into fantasy. Indulge in it with her. If she ever wants to take it to another level, I am sure she will tell you.

 

Even if she IS bi and does have some hidden longing to be with a woman, that doesn't mean anything. How many men (and women) have hidden longings to sleep with other people? Dreams of sleeping with celebrities? Probably a lot. And most of them never do it - it's just a fantasy.

 

Don't make it mean more than it does.