I cheated, now my life is destroyed. (long )

[homealone123]

This is going to be my first post here although long time lurker. This is going to be a long post sorry in advance and thanks to the ones that take the time to read and give me some advise.

 

My husband and I were each other first love, when I was 17 I got pregnant and short after we got married.

Our life was difficult, our families helped us taking care of our son but while our friends were having fun and living a careless life we were dealing with the new acquired responsibilities as parents.(we were not prepared for this)

 

To make things even worse 1.5 year after I got pregnant for the second time. I was not even 20 years old when my second son was born. My husband stopped studying and started a business with the help of our parents and I was left to take care of the two children on my own. My husband is a great father but I have always been the one who had to stay at home, do all the chores and taking care of the children while he was working 14-16 hours a day. He was working all those hours because we needed the money and we could not afford paying someone to take care of the shop but somehow I started to blame him for the situation. Year after year I built a big resentment inside me and I blamed him for the loss of our youth and freedom, a rational part in me knew that I was wrong but I ignored it.

 

Fast forward until two years ago, our marriage wasn’t bad; we accepted that we had to work hard to give our two great kids an opportunity in life and we worked well as a team. My husband is a loving person, he and my two sons treated me like the queen of the house and I felt loved and happy… but… I still had that feeling that I had missed out because I got pregnant so young, and I still blamed my husband for it (I know that is unfair but that was how I was feeling).

 

I was going to the gym 3 to 4 times a week and during that time I had become friends with the Capoeira instructor, before I knew it we were having sex. I knew what I was doing was wrong but I somehow justified myself because I didn’t have any feelings for the OM, it was only sex and it was a small compensation for all the experiences I had missed out in my youth. I wanted to stop the affair every week but the truth is that I didn’t stop till my husband found out 2 days ago.

 

I never expected my husband reaction, he put some of my clothes in two bags and called my parents to come to pick me up…when I arrived home my mother was crying and my father was completely red … my husband told me I was not welcome in my house anymore. I didn’t have to ask why he was so angry; I knew immediately that he had found out about my affair and that it would be best if I would go that night to sleep at my parent’s house. I told him that I would give him time and space to calm and that I would come back next day to talk with him and I left.

 

My parents were very disappointed on me, they love my husband and they respect him a lot for the way he has built his life into a prosper business man and a good father… They were in shock but never the less I am their daughter so they took me with them and gave me some space to think things through.

Next day in the morning I went back home when my kids were at school and my husband was at work, he always come to take lunch at home so I waited for him to come. When he arrived he looked like a man who has been destroyed and I think that it was the first time that I realize about what I have done and the terrible consequences for those who I love.

 

I tried to explain him how sorry I am, that I have never stopped to love him and that my affair was not about him but about me, that I have issues and that I would like to go to IC and MC. He sat and listen to all what I wanted to say for around an hour without saying anything… at that point he told me that he doesn’t want to go to MC or IC or do anything to try to work out of marriage. He said that if after all what we both had to sacrifice, if after all what he have done for me I still had it in me to betray him this way then he doesn’t want to do anything with me anymore. He asked me to move out of the house to my parent’s house. I begged him to give me a second chance and I explained him that our kids need both of their parents and then he got crazy and starter to scream, he told me if I was thinking about our kids priorities while I was having sex with the OM and other many things that I don’t need to repeat here. I told him that I would come back later when he would be more calmed to talk again and to see my children and I left.

 

I came back 4 hours later to find out that my husband had already told my sons about my affair the day before, they were very upset and didn’t show any affection towards me, they were both siding with their father. I told my husband that he shouldn’t have involved our children and he told me that I should have not get involved with the OM if I didn’t like the aftermaths of it… that my sons are old enough to know why we are going to divorce and is also important because they can at their age chose with whom they want to stay. I didn’t think about divorce until that moment and when he said that I felt dizzy and they had to help me because I started to see the huge consequences of what I have done…

 

My husband called my father again and he came to pick me up… I wanted to stay but neither my husband nor my children wanted me there.

And here I am at my parents home feeling alone and empty without my three men. I have risked all what I care for something that meant nothing to me. I have hurt my husband and companion and my 2 kids and I still don’t even understand why… I may lose everything … as if I was in a self destroying mission.

What would you do next? How can I win my husband and kids back? What can you say to someone you have hurt so much? Will my children ever forgive me? Please give me some hope and advise.

Edited December 6, 2016 by homealone123

[Philosoraptor]

This is a very sad situation for all involved. Many mistakes were made before and after the affair became out in the open.

 

Right now you should seek individual counseling, and be prepared to give this lots of time. You have had a long time to ponder this affair, but it is all new to everyone else involved.

[katielee]

You need to get yourself into IC and get yourself healthy no matter what happens in your life. You need to figure out WHY you did this. What was missing in YOU where you gave yourself the green light to have an affair? It has nothing to do with your marriage, your husband or your upbringing.

Does the OM have a SO? If so, tell her. You're likely not the only one he's doing.

With regards to your husband, I don't know what to say. That bridge has been burned according to the way he is responding.

Your children will always love you and you will always be their mother.

[Whoknew30]

Oh boy...I've been married with kids withmy H since a teen too & I know exactly what you mean when you said blaming him for the lost of your youth & unless someone has gone through it, they can't possibly understand.

 

I also cheated but so did my H so we reconciled bc were kind of on the "same level", though had my H not, he probably would have behaved like your H.

 

I know you feel terrible, as you should. IC & family therapy is probably a good idea. What's done is done & your focus should be now on healing your relationship with your boys. I understand your H is upset but he can't just kick you out of your house & or pit your kids against you, that isn't right either. Even if he doesn't want MC he should go to at least IC (if not family) for your boys sake...maybe your parents could speak to him about that.

 

He's mad & initial reaction takes a minute to settle...it's brand new, so just back off for a second & give him a little bit of time. The hardest part (in my experience) is forgiving yourself. It takes awhile for that part...just remember you're human, we ALL screw up in life in our way. This is yours, you will go through hell before healing begins but if you learn from this (really learn), it will eventually make you a better person in the long run. Good luck to you

[Whoknew30]

You need to get yourself into IC and get yourself healthy no matter what happens in your life. You need to figure out WHY you did this. What was missing in YOU where you gave yourself the green light to have an affair? It has nothing to do with your marriage, your husband or your upbringing.

Does the OM have a SO? If so, tell her. You're likely not the only one he's doing.

With regards to your husband, I don't know what to say. That bridge has been burned according to the way he is responding.

Your children will always love you and you will always be their mother.[/quote

 

Completely disagree! She shouldn't care a less about the OM's life! Sorry but when a WS gets caught the last thing they should be worried about is the AP spouse, one should be focused on themselves & their family. Who cares about the OM life.

 

OP..don't focus on anything but yourself & your family. OM & his family is NOT your problem.

[frigginlost]

As someone who was cheated on, let me say this:

 

Your husband is in for the most miserable ride of his life. I truly believe that someone who cheats has no concept of just how incredibly damaging it is to their partner. I guarantee you, that every ounce of pain you feel is multiplied 10x in what he is feeling. Reasoning, explaining, your sorrow, absolutely means nothing to him right now. His world, his life, and most importantly, his heart has been destroyed. Vaporized. Gone. The emotions that man will feel over the next several months will be nothing he has ever experienced before. He will cry, he will lash out, he will become extremely angry... but he will heal. How he heals will say a lot on your future interactions with him.

 

It took me years to get over it.

 

The best thing you can do right now, is back away. His disgust in you is going to multiply day by day until he reaches the top of the hill he will be climbing.

 

When he comes to you (and he will) answer every single question he has. Do not try to cover up or downplay anything. He has absolutely no trust in you. If you try to get something past him he will never believe a word you say. Forever.

 

In the meantime, get yourself some therapy. I wish my ex would have as it would have shown me she was serious about fixing things...

[kgcolonel]

OP,,,,,just for reference, how old are your children and are you in the US?

 

How did your husband find out about your infidelity?

 

How long was the infidelity?

 

these will help us provide some insight and suggestions as to what may help.

 

thanks

[katielee]

You need to get yourself into IC and get yourself healthy no matter what happens in your life. You need to figure out WHY you did this. What was missing in YOU where you gave yourself the green light to have an affair? It has nothing to do with your marriage, your husband or your upbringing.

Does the OM have a SO? If so, tell her. You're likely not the only one he's doing.

With regards to your husband, I don't know what to say. That bridge has been burned according to the way he is responding.

Your children will always love you and you will always be their mother.[/quote

 

Completely disagree! She shouldn't care a less about the OM's life! Sorry but when a WS gets caught the last thing they should be worried about is the AP spouse, one should be focused on themselves & their family. Who cares about the OM life.

 

OP..don't focus on anything but yourself & your family. OM & his family is NOT your problem.

 

OP - focus on DOING THE RIGHT THING. Did you guys use protection? If not, you have a moral obligation to tell his spouse.

[Whoknew30]

 

OP - focus on DOING THE RIGHT THING. Did you guys use protection? If not, you have a moral obligation to tell his spouse.

 

The right thing is to try & heal her family...OM spouse & family is his problem. Sorry but no one else's family is one's problem when yours is in the toilet. It's called priorty, she lost that by having an A to begin...now it's time to back on tract which does not include making AP family a priority over her own.

 

If OM gets away with it, it's not her problem & that can add to her problems. lasts thing she needs is a crazy BS on her butt.

 

Honestly morality is kind of out the window during A...shed only be telling bc she got caught, that initself isn't so moral.

[DKT3]

Yeah, the marriage part doesn't sound good, I think it's a done deal there. One comment your husband made that is very telling and kinda clues you in that he is done is when he said after all he has done and sacrificed you could do this. Secondly, he is telling everyone. If I were a betting man I would bet he has been on to you and your affair for awhile but never had that smoking gun. Lastly it's very very telling that he asked no questions, had no confrontation with you just cut you off.

 

Maybe a slim chance, now those that have advised you to focus on yourself....strongly disagree if your goal is fixing your marriage. You first have to put out the fire, your husband and sons are on fire and that is where your focus has to be. Any IC should be geared towards that, the ways aren't going to put out any fires, besides that your husband wont believe a word out of your month for months, maybe years.

 

Honestly, it's not looking good for the marriage, your husband seems hasty and wants you gone right now, that's actually unusual. Usually there is a truth finding period where he would want to know answers.

[DKT3]

 

The right thing is to try & heal her family...OM spouse & family is his problem. Sorry but no one else's family is one's problem when yours is in the toilet. It's called priorty, she lost that by having an A to begin...now it's time to back on tract which does not include making AP family a priority over her own.

 

If OM gets away with it, it's not her problem & that can add to her problems. lasts thing she needs is a crazy BS on her butt.

 

Honestly morality is kind of out the window during A...shed only be telling bc she got caught, that initself isn't so moral.

 

Oh, her husband will burn it all down, but total confession goes a long way to putting the affair in the blender.

[Whoknew30]

 

Oh, her husband will burn it all down, but total confession goes a long way to putting the affair in the blender.

 

Agreed, if unsure that it's over but she sounds like it's pretty much over it. When it's really over, the last thing you want is to have anything to do with AP...quickest way to move on, is to completely have NC with AP & or thing to with their life.

[mikeylo]

Everyone reacts differently to the WS. Your husband is in protective state. Protecting himself and the kids from you. In his eyes, you are the enemy of his little world that he won't let you destroy anymore. He will come back for answers but not for you.

 

TBH, I think kids , if they are appropriate age, deserve to know.

 

The OM and his wife etc are not your problem. As it is , gym instructors sleep with most of their clients. Sometimes even mother and daughter with neither knowing about it.

 

If he files for divorce, I would advise to let him have it. He deserves peace.

[katielee]

The first step in being a better person is being a better person. That means considering everyone you've hurt throughout this entire ordeal. Consider making the phone call to his wife to let her know what her husband has been up to so she can make decisions and then be on your way being a better person by getting into IC, etc.

You will get many sides of advice here, OP, you'll have to decide what is best for you.

I was a WW as well. My husband was eventually a WH. The first thing we both did is tell the other spouse. Then, with that out of the way, we got on with our healing.

[Marc878]

You would be smart to give your H space at this time. If you chase it will drive him further away.

 

Time will tell. Upfront means nothing at this time but many can't live with this.

 

There is no guarantee of a second chance.

[Marc878]

Read up. You can't comprehend what your H is going through at this time because you aren't on the receiving end of this. Devastated, destroyed, lost come to mind.

 

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/365269-things-every-wayward-spouse-needs-know

[Clay]

Your no longer the women he knows. Your no longer the mother the boys knew. You have forever altered who you are in there eyes. To some degree people say they don't know you at all after that and I think that is a fair observation. When you show just how little the three of them meant to you this is the result of those actions. If your husband wants time them give him time. If he in the end decides on a divorce then give him a divorce.

 

I would not contact the AP ever again. I would tell his wife if he is married or his girlfriend. I would also tell the owners of the club where you met. I doubt this is the first time he worked a woman.

 

I would get into counseling and try to figure out why you decided to cheat instead of working on your marriage.

 

I really feel sorry for your husband and your children. I discovered my xW was cheating on me again 5 days before Christmas. Its been ten years since and my children still hate Christmas. Sadly it will be a long time before they heal from this.

 

I will never understand cheating. How can the pleasure really out-weigh the damage. Good luck. I think your going to need it.

 

C

[Mrs. John Adams]

Your life is not destroyed. It is forever changed.

 

You made a terrible selfish decision .., but you can get into therapy and work on yourself and work at becoming a person who makes better choices or you can wallow in self pity and do nothing.

 

I believe you feel terrible but I want to point out something to you. You did this to yourself ... you have been fully aware of the choices you have been making. You and you alone are responsible for your actions. Your husband on the other hand is now in complete devastation... his world has been shattered by the one person he trusted more than anyone. He has suffered a tremendous loss... and is going through the many stages of grief. He is angry .. and I am sure you understand that.

One of the things I recommend for waywards is to seek therapy and the next is to find a lawyer.

 

You need to know exactly where you stand legally with your children your home your finances.. because there is a very good chance you will not be able to reconcile.

 

Be understanding toward your husband.. but do not allow him to abuse you in any way.

 

So the best thing you can do right now is begin to understand why you allowed yourself to cheat and prepare yourself for a future without your husband.

 

Read... there are so many good books about infidelity that are helpful for healing... your own.. your husbands.

 

Surround yourself with a good support system friends and family who live you and will support you yet also be honest.

 

Loveshack is full of opinions and advice... choose the things that can apply to your situation and disregard the rest. Only you know what is best for you and your family.

 

Take care of yourself... if you need help go to a dr... you need rest.

 

Your biggest concern right now is getting through these next few weeks...

It won't be easy and you will cry many tears and wish with all your heart you could undo what you have done. You can't ... but you can become a better person and you can be happy again... it may not be with your husband but life does have a way of moving on.

 

 

I saw a quote today... focus on where you want to be and not where you have been. Make that your goal...

 

Best of luck to you

[Owl6118]

HA123, I am sorry your choices have led to this.

 

You ask what you can do.

 

One thing you can do is embrace radical humility. In your affair you have became comfortable with lying. First to yourself--about your motives and feelings. Then to your husband, when you began making decisions--to talk, to meet, to kiss, to have sex-- that you concealed from him.

 

You have also become accustomed to control--controlling AP and your husband by controlling what information you shared with each of them.

 

Radical humility starts with letting go of lies--including the lies you tell yourself. And it also starts with letting go of control.

 

And you can put this in practice right now. In fact, you must, to salvage the best outcome you can from this--even if that outcome is only a sense that you became again an honorable person, a person with integrity, in facing the aftermath.

 

Let's look at some examples and perhaps you will begin to see where you are, and get a sense of the distance between where you are and where you need to be if you want to heal yourself and do what you can to honor your husband and help him heal.

 

 

"I had become friends with the Capoeira instructor, before I knew it we were having sex."

 

This is minimizing. You actually made conscious choices every step of the way. The first private talk, the first touch, the first kiss, the logistics of the first rendezvous, going through with that rendezvous, learning to go home and conceal behind a facade what you had just done, doing all of the above again. No one took over your body to do these things. They were your choices. Don't try to minimize them any longer. Take responsibility for them.

 

"I told him that I would give him time and space to calm and that I would come back next day to talk with him"

 

This is trying to control the outcome. If these are the words you actually used with him, you were more or less saying to him that his reaction is invalid and irrational, and your preferred approach is the better one--you will condescend to talk with him when he is calm and ready to start seeing things your way. In fact his reaction is deadly rational and not morally wrong.

 

"I begged him to give me a second chance and I explained him that our kids need both of their parents and then he got crazy and starter to scream, he told me if I was thinking about our kids priorities while I was having sex with the OM and other many things that I don’t need to repeat here."

 

Again, like the above, you are telling him "how it is' from your place of superior insight. And he called you out on it. His logic is impeccable. It is a day late and dollar short to claim superior care for your children right now. If you can be really honest with yourself, I think you will find you threw this argument out there in desperation right now to try to save yourself from the losses staring you in the face. Can you be that honest with yourself?

 

"I told him that I would come back later when he would be more calmed to talk again and to see my children and I left."

 

Controlling the outcome again, putting yourself if a voice/ place of moral superiority again.

 

"I told my husband that he shouldn’t have involved our children and he told me that I should have not get involved with the OM if I didn’t like the aftermaths of it…"

 

Again, putting yourself if a voice/ place of moral superiority, and lecturing him about how he should be feeling. Again, his response is logically impeccable.

 

"What would you do next? How can I win my husband and kids back? What can you say to someone you have hurt so much?"

 

You say I am sorry I betrayed you.

 

You write a timeline of the whole affair, start to finish, every step on the slippery slope, every meeting. You use your calendar, credit card statements, anything you have to help you remember. You do not rely on the crutch of "I don't remember" You wrack your brains to say "that meeting was the day after son's soccer game, and then look up the date of the game. Or "that meeting was the day after husband left on his busienss trip," and look up the date of the trip.

 

Once it is as complete as you can be you let him know what you have done and offer it to him humbly. You do this so he can learn the truth about his life, what was happening in his life, from you, so he can start to rebuild his sense of the history of his recent life from a basis of truth.

 

Others can advise you on steps like no contact with AP.

 

But my advice to you is to study-- and study hard-- on finding humility. Let go of your pride, let go of your justifications. Let yourself he truthful, and humble, and transparent.

[katielee]

 

focus on where you want to be and not where you have been. Make that your goal...

 

 

oh, I love this quote!

[Giacomo67]

WOW.... reading your post brought me back to my DDAY...

You and my ex have many things in common.

 

My only suggestion is to give him time to heal. Give him a total and sincere timeline. Write him a letter and pour your soul out. Dont stress him out to much and wish youself that he takes a differen path then me.

[LargoLagg]

You need to get yourself into IC and get yourself healthy no matter what happens in your life. You need to figure out WHY you did this. What was missing in YOU where you gave yourself the green light to have an affair? It has nothing to do with your marriage, your husband or your upbringing.

I get all this, even if it is a little late for all the introspection

Does the OM have a SO? If so, tell her. You're likely not the only one he's doing.

But I don't get that, unless she's intent on leaving a trail of destruction in everybody's life she touches. She's already helped damage his marriage, should one actually exist. What's the goal, to finish the job? Doesn't she have enough ruin on her plate that you would counsel her to go find even more?

With regards to your husband, I don't know what to say. That bridge has been burned according to the way he is responding.

Your children will always love you and you will always be their mother.

I think what the husband is doing by telling everybody, children included, is building a firewall. He's going to create a social condition such that pride will prevent him from going back just in case he gets weak.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I get all this, even if it is a little late for all the introspectionBut I don't get that, unless she's intent on leaving a trail of destruction in everybody's life she touches. She's already helped damage his marriage, should one actually exist. What's the goal, to finish the job? Doesn't she have enough ruin on her plate that you would counsel her to go find even more?

I think what the husband is doing by telling everybody, children included, is building a firewall. He's going to create a social condition such that pride will prevent him from going back just in case he gets weak.

 

I will say ... after my affair my husband told no one ... eventually he told his boss because he was barely functioning.

 

I fear this husband is burning bridges he can never rebuild... and that may even be his intention. The more people he tells the more obstacles she will have to overcome... the more judgements will be against her. Even if they were to reconcile...you cannot undo all of the conversations that are taking place.

 

I think my husband did not do this because ultimately he still wanted me. He knew that if he told others it might cause more dissention among family members. I am so grateful he had the insight to use disgression.

[Satu]

I think the marriage is over and done with.

 

I hope you can all heal and find some peace, but I don't think you'll be doing that together.

 

Maybe I'm wrong about that, but I don't think I am.

 

Get yourself into therapy.

 

Good luck.

 

 

Take care.

[zeeohsixer]

You're an extremely selfish person. Even your thread title is very telling 'now MY life is destroyed'

 

You betrayed a man who loved you and worked his ass off like a real man when so many others his age would have ran. And this is how you repay him?

 

reap what you sow.