I cheated, now my life is destroyed. (long )

[doyathinkso]

You will never be the same in your husband's eyes ever again.

 

Go back to "the Capoeira instructor" and be with him for the rest of your life. You deserve each other.

Edited December 7, 2016 by doyathinkso
less harsh

[MidnightBlue1980]

I am getting conflicting advise here and I don't really know how to proceed.

Many of you tell me not to say to my husband that my affair was about sex while others tell me to speak only the truth but... the truth is that my affair was about sex, my experience with sex was limited to my husband only till I started my affair and while my husband is very loving and considerate and I love having sex with him... he can't be compared with the OM when it comes to sex. I never had an orgasm from penetration till I met the OM, OM had more stamina and was much more creative and naughty than my husband ever was...

 

I don't know how telling all this to my husband would ever help him to be more happy or to deal with my affair. We are in society taught that the whole truth is not always the best answer, like no one will tell a mother that his child is ugly even when is the truth and there are many other examples when a lie can spare the feelings of the other person.

 

I had my first IC session today and my counselor also thinks that I should not tell everything to my husband, he thinks I should be honest about any kind of act that I have done or where I have been with OM or when but that I should not tell him things that would make him feel more emasculated and destroy his self worth (like how he compares with OM sexually speaking). I tend to think that what my common sense is telling me and the counselor advise is the way to go from here.

 

I had visited a friend who is also a lawyer and she has told me I should go back home immediately as falling on doing so will be seen as abandonment of my children and home duties and it will be damaging for me in a divorce process. I have the intention to go back home on Saturday but I want to give my husband and children some time to process everything that is happening.

 

I am still very confused and totally sorry for the mess I have created. I understand how people can doubt me when I say that I have never loved the OM but is the truth, I only ever loved a man and that is my husband, OM was practically a toy, he made me understand that I have been sexually dissatisfied for long time... I don't think it was my husband fault, I guess I even didn't know what I wanted till OM showed it to me.

 

My husband called me while writing this and he told me we needed to talk. I would have prefer that he would have taken some extra time to cool down but I will follow his pace and I will do everything in my power to help him.

 

I believe you HomeAlone and from my own experience you are lucky you are not all "in love" with the OM. That is one less problem you don't need. I am not able to have sex without getting all emotionally entangled but I see men doing it all the time and we all have sexual needs, so I can see it.

 

IMHO there is no point to not telling your husband the truth. Now you do not have to do into any details unless he asks, but to never have an orgasm during sex your whole life IS A BIG DEAL. And the thing is - do you really want to go back to that? If your husband is willing to work it out, you owe it to yourself and to him to be honest about your sexual needs. It is something that can be fixed, whether or not he wants to address it, that is up to him and it takes a strong man to be able to deal with the fact he never got his wife off but another man did.

 

For what it is worth, I will say my affair was similar but different. There were sexual things I did with xMM which I never did with H for reasons I won't hijack the thread with, and while it was tough for my H to hear, he wanted to stay married and we have fixed it. You can get everything you want sexually in your marriage but both parties have to want to fix it.

 

But what is the point of pretending? You will go back to the same old thing and now that you have experienced what sex is really like, you will not be able to go back. You will eventually stray again.

[Buckeye2]

Many of you tell me not to say to my husband that my affair was about sex while others tell me to speak only the truth but... the truth is that my affair was about sex, my experience with sex was limited to my husband only till I started my affair and while my husband is very loving and considerate and I love having sex with him... he can't be compared with the OM when it comes to sex. I never had an orgasm from penetration till I met the OM, OM had more stamina and was much more creative and naughty than my husband ever was...

 

You had a division of labor going on where each man did what they were good at and life was great. Now you’re telling your husband that what he provided (stability, security, family) was always much more important to you than what the OM provided. So you’re obviously willing (if you have to) to give up what the OM provided you. You want your husband to keep providing his goodies as if nothing happened after you gave the OM yours.

 

You should let him go and find yourself a man with whom you are more sexually compatible.

 

The only way I can see to get him back someday is to get a divorce. Tell him that he’s obviously free to date but you will not (not even the OM). Tell him that you will be waiting for him if he ever has a change of heart. This accomplishes two things: 1) It balances the scales. How many women has you husband had sex with? 2) You rejected him. Allow him to reject you.

 

It’s a long shot and the juice may not be worth the squeeze, but it’s the only way I see. DKT3 got remarried after a divorce. Much easier to just accept the blame for the marriage ending, get a divorce and keep the OM as the f@@@ buddy he always was. Work on the relationship with your sons and have a civil relationship with your ex.

[MidnightBlue1980]

How did the affair happen as in how did it start out? Where would you meet to have sex? Also, have you ever talked to your H about spicing up your sex life? Maybe he is vanilla because you never communicated you want more?

 

This is valid. I have to assume your husband knew you never had an orgasm, unless was he a virgin too? Maybe men just don't know these things without proper experience.

 

But as a woman I would bet you blamed yourself. You probably thought it was you, that you couldn't. And your husband probably thought the same.

 

It is hard to ask for something you don't know exists.

 

These are big issues OP. Unfortunately it seems it may be too late. Let's hope that is not so.

[MidnightBlue1980]

You will never be the same in your husband's eyes ever again.

 

Go back to "the Capoeira instructor" and be with him for the rest of your life. You deserve each other.

 

How is this helpful?

[Mrs. John Adams]

Infidelity changes things forever....regardless if the couple seeks a divorce or reconciliation.

 

Change is not always a bad thing. Especially if the marriage had unresolved issues. But it is a for certain...that things can never go back to the way they were.

 

I was 17 when we married...and my husband was the only man I had ever been with. I can never give back the innocence of our relationship. That is one thing that is forever gone.

 

I will never say reconciliation is not possible...but I will say it will be very difficult at best...and it takes BOTH people willing to do everything necessary to overcome the affair.

 

Please read the book...How to help your spouse heal from your affair by linda macDonald.

 

It is a how to book that will help you understand the mindset of your betrayed spouse...whether you reconcile or not....it is important to still help him to heal from the damage you have caused...especially because you share children and will always remain connected.

[homealone123]

This is valid. I have to assume your husband knew you never had an orgasm, unless was he a virgin too? Maybe men just don't know these things without proper experience.

 

But as a woman I would bet you blamed yourself. You probably thought it was you, that you couldn't. And your husband probably thought the same.

 

It is hard to ask for something you don't know exists.

 

These are big issues OP. Unfortunately it seems it may be too late. Let's hope that is not so.

 

Thank you MidnightBlue, your advise is very appreciated.

 

I would like to clarify that I had orgasm with my husband, just not from penetration... I thought I was one of those women that could not climax from penetration.

I think what my husband lacks is the experience that OM has, my husband has always been a generous lover, I just didn't know what I needed till OM showed it to me :(

[homealone123]

How did the affair happen as in how did it start out? Where would you meet to have sex? Also, have you ever talked to your H about spicing up your sex life? Maybe he is vanilla because you never communicated you want more?

 

I used to take a coffee with OM after the class every Tuesday and Thursday... we evolved from just a coffee to have sex at his place (very close to the gym) and I could not rationalize how that happened... it just did.

And not, I didn't dare to change anything in our sex life because I thought it would hint him about my affair

[Mrs. John Adams]

Thank you MidnightBlue, your advise is very appreciated.

 

I would like to clarify that I had orgasm with my husband, just not from penetration... I thought I was one of those women that could not climax from penetration.

I think what my husband lacks is the experience from OM, my husband has always been a generous lover, I just didn't know what I needed till OM showed it to me :(

 

NEEDED or WANTED? You would never have known...had you not had sex for two years with another man.

 

You were happy with the sex you shared with your husband....until you became the lover of another man.

 

I want you to think about what you are saying.....and i can tell you I fear that if you approach reconciliation with the attitude you are showing here...you will only cause further damage to your husbands destroyed ego.

[frigginlost]

NEEDED or WANTED? You would never have known...had you not had sex for two years with another man.

 

You were happy with the sex you shared with your husband....until you became the lover of another man.

 

I want you to think about what you are saying.....and i can tell you I fear that if you approach reconciliation with the attitude you are showing here...you will only cause further damage to your husbands destroyed ego.

 

Op, read what she said over and over again. She is bang on correct.

 

The route you are heading is not a very good one with that attitude (note, I don't find it a nasty attitude, I find it manipulative).

 

With the state of mind you are showing, I honestly don't see a reconciliation in your future if given the slim chance. Why? You stating that your needs were not meant would be all the excuse you would need to contact the OM months down the road...

[Whatnotagain]

Thank you MidnightBlue, your advise is very appreciated.

 

I would like to clarify that I had orgasm with my husband, just not from penetration... I thought I was one of those women that could not climax from penetration.

I think what my husband lacks is the experience that OM has, my husband has always been a generous lover, I just didn't know what I needed till OM showed it to me :(

 

Had you not engaged in sex with the other man then you would have never known that could have happened for you. You see you are trying to put the cart before the horse and are rationalizing what you did by saying that the OM did things for you sexually that your husband couldn't. You would have never known that unless you first cheated on your husband first. That is what happened first and it started with the coffee after class with the OM.

[Buckeye2]

I think what my husband lacks is the experience that OM has

 

Maybe that's because your husband was working and being faithful to you over the years while the OM was busy with other women. Can you see why your husband would feel like a total fool?

Edited December 7, 2016 by Buckeye2

[homealone123]

Had you not engaged in sex with the other man then you would have never known that could have happened for you. You see you are trying to put the cart before the horse and are rationalizing what you did by saying that the OM did things for you sexually that your husband couldn't. You would have never known that unless you first cheated on your husband first. That is what happened first and it started with the coffee after class with the OM.

 

I agree, I think the protection mechanism in my brain is trying to justify what I have done... and there is nothing of what I have done that my husband is to blame for.

I try to understand why I did it and why I kept doing it... and the only possible answer is that I am broken...I am probably the horrible selfish person that many describe here... what I can assure you is that I love my family and nothing of what I did was with the intention of hurting them, I knew it was a possible outcome but I disregarded the risk for what I was getting from my affair...and now I am paying the consequences.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Thank you MidnightBlue, your advise is very appreciated.

 

I would like to clarify that I had orgasm with my husband, just not from penetration... I thought I was one of those women that could not climax from penetration.

I think what my husband lacks is the experience that OM has, my husband has always been a generous lover, I just didn't know what I needed till OM showed it to me :(

 

Yes. You are not alone in that. They have studies out there that say only 1 in 5 women can climax from penetration. Most of my friends say they can't, so you are hardly alone in thinking that your sex life was normal. I completely understand what you meant.

 

For me, my husband berated me for years about oral sex and had a big porn habit. It got to the point where I lacked any self confidence in that area whatsoever. I was never able to "complete the act" and basically stopped doing it completely to avoid his constant criticism and comparing me with porn stars. It was the main thing that got me into an affair, it built my self confidence up to be with someone who appreciated me, did not put me down. As you can imagine this was horrifying to my husband to learn that I was able to do to someone else what I could not to him, but we have worked through it - and he has dramatically cut the porn down.

 

I realize that is not the same situation but my point is, you can work through it, it will not be easy at all but if you both want the marriage, it's certainly doable. I would really recommend you discuss this in counseling though with someone experienced in this area. We discussed it all privately but that does not work for everyone.

 

Marriage is really hard work. But if you can work through it, it is worth it.

[homealone123]

Yes. You are not alone in that. They have studies out there that say only 1 in 5 women can climax from penetration. Most of my friends say they can't, so you are hardly alone in thinking that your sex life was normal. I completely understand what you meant.

 

For me, my husband berated me for years about oral sex and had a big porn habit. It got to the point where I lacked any self confidence in that area whatsoever. I was never able to "complete the act" and basically stopped doing it completely to avoid his constant criticism and comparing me with porn stars. It was the main thing that got me into an affair, it built my self confidence up to be with someone who appreciated me, did not put me down. As you can imagine this was horrifying to my husband to learn that I was able to do to someone else what I could not to him, but we have worked through it - and he has dramatically cut the porn down.

 

I realize that is not the same situation but my point is, you can work through it, it will not be easy at all but if you both want the marriage, it's certainly doable. I would really recommend you discuss this in counseling though with someone experienced in this area. We discussed it all privately but that does not work for everyone.

 

Marriage is really hard work. But if you can work through it, it is worth it.

Thank you for your support, you make me feel that I am not alone. It is nice to have someone who understands you ... thank you!

[MidnightBlue1980]

I agree, I think the protection mechanism in my brain is trying to justify what I have done... and there is nothing of what I have done that my husband is to blame for.

I try to understand why I did it and why I kept doing it... and the only possible answer is that I am broken...I am probably the horrible selfish person that many describe here... what I can assure you is that I love my family and nothing of what I did was with the intention of hurting them, I knew it was a possible outcome but I disregarded the risk for what I was getting from my affair...and now I am paying the consequences.

 

You are going to get a lot of opinions here, this the infidelity board, so many here are BS. WS don't post as much as they are scared to get bashed. I don't care, there is nothing anyone can say to me that I have not said to myself.

 

The truth is, is cheating to get your sexual needs met selfish? Definitely. But the reality is people cheat for all sorts of reasons. In no way does that make it right but sexual needs are a real thing and drive us down bad roads leading to heartache. Sex is addictive and many people have wrecked their lives to get a blow job or an orgasm.

 

I don't think you are broken, I think you were living in a big fog of secret sex and not thinking about the consequences, as do all of us who go down that road. You have two children, it's time to put on your big girl panties and suffer the consequences of what was done like an adult. What did your husband say? Does he want to go to MC?

[katielee]

It was the main thing that got me into an affair,

 

OP - be very careful not to blame other people's actions for your own behavior. If lack of self confidence is a reason for an affair then fix the lack of self confidence. At some point you give yourself the green light to have an affair. IT has nothing to do with how anyone else is treating you. It has everything to do with not living your values and acting with integrity.

Your husband did not deserve any of this, no matter how poor a lover or person he is. If anyone blames an affair on outside influences then they're not really getting it.

 

To answer your question, yes, you need to fix that part that allowed you to have an affair. Call it brokenness or whatever. It needs to be addressed.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Thank you for your support, you make me feel that I am not alone. It is nice to have someone who understands you ... thank you!

 

You are welcome. It has a been a really tough year but my marriage is better now, so much better than it ever was. Of course I deeply wish the whole mess did not happen, but it did and wishing it didn't won't make it so. Yes the innocence is lost forever but that is part of life at times. There were many times I wanted to throw in the towel but my husband fought tooth and nail for our marriage. And today I am a different person and you can be too.

 

Your husband is going to be horribly hurt. He will cry, yell, call you a lot of names. And you will just have to take it, which is not easy at all. But be honest, without details unless he asks, and put the focus more on yourself than on OM. The fact that the guy is a fitness instructor and probably pretty good looking will not be lost on your husband. You will need to do a lot of reassuring him, it is similar to how my H hooked up with this hot 26 year old gym rat. I'm 44 and I've had 2 kids.

 

But be honest about your sexual needs. Tell him you want to experience those things with him. Keep the focus on him, you can never tell him enough that he is the one you want. Saying you never would have known what sex like this is like somewhat pointless. It's like closing the barn door after the horse has left. What is done is done. Your job now is to reassure him that he is the man you want.

 

It will be a hard pill to swallow. Most men probably would not recover from that and I'm sure you will hear that from a lot of men here. Your H should see a counselor as well.

[homealone123]

Boy, is that a leap of faith. Next the OP is going to say something like "I never stopped loving my husband". Ouch...

 

homealone123, I wonder why you think your H should take you back? Not why you want to reconcile, I understand that. But why, after two years of sleeping with someone else, he would want to take you back ???

 

Mr. Lucky

I think this is a great question... and a very difficult to answer but I will try...

 

I think my husband should take me back because I am the mother of his 2 sons, because I took care of him when he laid in bed for 1.5 year after a work accident that damaged his back and while he learned to walk again I took care of the business while I was taking care of him and my two sons, because I was there when he lost his parents in a car accident, because we have been to hell and back together and we have always loved each other. There is so much more in my marriage than my affair, we have been together since we were teens.

 

I don't take him for granted and he doesn't owe me anything but if I have to give reason why he should those would be some of the answers

Edited December 7, 2016 by homealone123

[40somethingGuy]

I think this is a great question... and a very difficult to answer but I will try...

 

I think my husband should take me back because I am the mother of his 2 sons, because I took care of him when he laid in bed for 1.5 year after a work accident that damaged his back and while he learned to walk again I took care of the business while I was taking care of him and my two sons, because I was there when he lost his parents in a car accident, because we have been to hell and back together and we have always loved each other. There is so much more in my marriage than my affair, we have been together since we were teens.

 

I don't take him for granted and he doesn't owe me anything but if I have to give reason why he should those would be some of the answers

 

Understand that one massive betrayal (and 2 years of sex with this guy is exactly that) wipes out all the good you have no doubt done in your marriage. Your H is feeling like he is on an island. Who does he have to love and protect him? His spouse, who is the closest person in his world, hurt him worse than any enemy in his life could have. Right now he is thanking his lucky stars the kids are older and will only have to keep you in his life for 5 more years or so (isn't your youngest 13)? Not being mean here but expect this to be his mindset.

[BluesPower]

Sweetheart, I am just going to be really honest. You are toast. There is no way that your H, who is a hardworking, loving husband and father, who just happens to be sexually inexperienced is ever, ever going to be able to get over this. I am sorry, but it is never going to happen.

 

You have gotten some good advice from a lot of people here, and the biggest is that you have to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth to the questions he is going to ask. If you don't, he will know that you are lying, all men know when their wives are lying, everyone.

 

Besides the fact that you have been having great sex 2 or 3 times a week with your OM, you have probably been giving pity sex to your husband, when he was energetic enough to have sex. You know the times that he was not completely exhausted from working his A** off providing for you and your children, so there is almost no coming back from that.

 

You bear some of the responsibility for the bad sex in the marriage just like your husband does. You knew you wanted more in the sex dept, did you do research on the internet to learn about sex? Did you talk to your husband? Did you talk to your GF's about their married sex lives? I am betting that you did not.

 

Here is what you are facing:

 

1) You were having wild monkey sex with OM for TWO YEARS.

 

2) Your hardworking, loving, small penis, short stamina husband was getting pity sex for 2 years. I am betting that during that whole time he never got so much a blow job and forget about any anal sex.

 

3) Instead of talking to your husband about your sexual needs and working on it with him, you chose to have an affair.

 

4) The sex with the in shape, bigger penis, longer lasting OM was the best that you have ever had in your entire life. You did things with him that you never ever dreamed of with your husband.

 

5) You are still in denial about what you have done to your H and your family. And, you are trying to figure out how much to lie when your husband asks questions about your affair in order to save you from divorce.

 

Babe, basically you have just screwed the pooch with all this!!!

 

If your husband was more experience there is the smallest chance that he could get over it, the smallest chance. But a guy that married his first love and had not been with any other women before, not a chance in hell.

 

If he ever did get over it, he would be the greatest man to ever live. A man among men. But he is just a hard working loving husband and father, so the chances of it happening are almost nil. If he ever took you back you should start every day by kissing his A** and giving him a great BJ.

 

Lets talk about you. I think you need to realize that the affair is only part of what spelled your doom.

 

Your inability to communicate how you were feeling to your husband is the key to the whole situation. Your immaturity and stupidity about being a SAHM and how much of a luxury that would be to so many women is another HUGE issue. It will be a huge luxury to your husband's next wife and maybe she won't throw it away.

 

What you need to do is to admit that you DO LOVE YOUR HUSBAND. You want to, you know it is wrong not to, but you really don't. And for that matter you never have, you just made the best of a bad situation.

 

The thing for you to do now is give him a break in the divorce, do not take everything that you can. Get a job and start supporting yourself. Be kind to your STBXH every time you see him for the rest of your life. Never utter a single bad word about him and tell everyone that you know what a fool you were.

 

I am so sorry, but without a miracle your life as you knew it is completely over.

 

Listen don't take the harsh comments to heart too much, you will get some of them. You are hearing a miniscule part of the pain that your husband is feeling. I am so sorry you are in this place.

[homealone123]

Understand that one massive betrayal (and 2 years of sex with this guy is exactly that) wipes out all the good you have no doubt done in your marriage. Your H is feeling like he is on an island. Who does he have to love and protect him? His spouse, who is the closest person in his world, hurt him worse than any enemy in his life could have. Right now he is thanking his lucky stars the kids are older and will only have to keep you in his life for 5 more years or so (isn't your youngest 13)? Not being mean here but expect this to be his mindset.

 

No, my betrayal doesn't wipe out what I have done for my family, what I have done, good and bad is history, is done and can't be undone, it is there and can't be waved.

 

My husband can chose not to continue our marriage because I broke my vows and his trust. He is entitled to walk away and I couldn't blame him if he would chose to do that, but what I have done for this family can't just be wiped out...

 

I can also assure you that my husband is not thinking about finances, and it won't be finances what will prevent him to divorce me, we had a very rough start in our life but our business is doing very well and we can both live a good life from the money it produces.

[MidnightBlue1980]

OP - be very careful not to blame other people's actions for your own behavior. If lack of self confidence is a reason for an affair then fix the lack of self confidence. At some point you give yourself the green light to have an affair. IT has nothing to do with how anyone else is treating you. It has everything to do with not living your values and acting with integrity.

Your husband did not deserve any of this, no matter how poor a lover or person he is. If anyone blames an affair on outside influences then they're not really getting it.

 

To answer your question, yes, you need to fix that part that allowed you to have an affair. Call it brokenness or whatever. It needs to be addressed.

 

This is true and you can discuss your lack of boundaries / brokenness / unresolved childhood issues in therapy till the end of time. It is all very real and everyone should understand themselves, know his or her triggers, etc.

 

And that is all very wonderful but it's really hard to build a concrete plan to fix a marriage on intangibles. I think it's important to know the real reason why so you can address it and usually it is because someone's needs are not being met. This is hard to hear and many times the marriage ends but if you want it to work, you need to know why your spouse went outside the marriage so you can address it.

 

Again, this is just my own experience. I wanted to know why my H strayed and he wanted the truth as well. The real truth, not a bunch of psycho babble. And there is a real truth, the WS just doesn't want to say it because it makes it look like they are trying to escape blame and it's just easier to shut up and say nothing and hope it all goes back to normal. For me, it was not about pointing fingers or escaping blame (and believe me I am aware I was wrong) but about fixing it.

 

I'm being general because this is about OP, not me. For OP, she probably already knows why this happened. Sex and attention and wanting something for herself.

[40somethingGuy]

No, my betrayal doesn't wipe out what I have done for my family, what I have done, good and bad is history, is done and can't be undone, it is there and can't be waved.

 

My husband can chose not to continue our marriage because I broke my vows and his trust. He is entitled to walk away and I couldn't blame him if he would chose to do that, but what I have done for this family can't just be wiped out...

 

I can also assure you that my husband is not thinking about finances, and it won't be finances what will prevent him to divorce me, we had a very rough start in our life but our business is doing very well and we can both live a good life from the money it produces.

 

I am sure you were/are a good mom to your kids so no, that doesn't get wiped out. I was more referring to your husband. Whatever good you produced is wiped out with this massive betrayal. You may have taken care of him when he was off work with the back injury. That is great. it just won't matter now. My point being- you really need to realize the magnitude of what this does to a man. He is damaged for life and will probably have trust issues in the future with subsequent love interests.

[ferakane12]

So you basically destroyed your marriage for a human dildo?

 

You're not broken , this is YOU , this is who you've become. Accept yourself and leave your husband alone.

 

Please , don't try to get your husband back, since you liked thse cheap thrills so much that you were able to stab your husband in the back for 2 years , you should go live another life and have sex with everything that moves until you're satisfied , and if sex is not enough for you , you should try drugs or something.

 

 

Look , you seem to be , along with MidnightBlue1980 , very , very immature when it comes to relationships and life , though this might have something to do with the fact that you both married way too young (I did too , but didn't cheat) , but there's no excuse for what you did.

 

You're a mother , you should have developed some sense of responsibility by now.

 

Marriage is about developing a new identity , a "we" that must be protected cherished . You seem to only be able to think about yourself , but the love you profess to have for your husband seems to be very immature and based on what he provides for you.