I cheated, now my life is destroyed. (long )

[Mycatsnuggles]

I married the first and only man I slept with. We had children and a long marriage. I was a sahm and my h ran his own business. Our sex life was frequent but unsatusfying to me. One day I choose to have an affair.

 

It lasted 4 years, until h found my emails. Devastation came over our house. I knew he could never recover from what I had done. We divorced and he quickly took up with a new girlfriend. It was as the holidays set in that I realized I had lost my best friend. I felt lost but new it was my own creation. H and I still communicated all the time, sometimes fighting, sometimes getting along but I think we both felt the pull towards each other.

 

When a good friend committed suicide I reached out to my best friend. He was sweet and kind. Somehow the loss of a friend reminded us both how precious life was. He asked me out at the end of our conversation.

 

We were able to come back together. Not with the same marriage but a new one.

 

I am not saying you will get past this but it's possible. Go slow. Write your thoughts out for yourself. You want to be honest but not brutal. And I'm sorry but I'll disagree with other posters sharing every little detail of the affair would not have been helpful in our relationship, knowing everything allows for more mind movies in the future. Those can be hard to overcome. Best wishes.

[road]

For what it is worth, I will say my affair was similar but different. There were sexual things I did with xMM which I never did with H for reasons I won't hijack the thread with, and while it was tough for my H to hear, he wanted to stay married and we have fixed it. You can get everything you want sexually in your marriage but both parties have to want to fix it.

 

 

 

Did you BH then want you to do those things you gave the OM after D day?

 

 

So what was the outcome?

[road]

No, my betrayal doesn't wipe out what I have done for my family, what I have done, good and bad is history, is done and can't be undone, it is there and can't be waved.

 

My husband can chose not to continue our marriage because I broke my vows and his trust. He is entitled to walk away and I couldn't blame him if he would chose to do that, but what I have done for this family can't just be wiped out...

 

I can also assure you that my husband is not thinking about finances, and it won't be finances what will prevent him to divorce me, we had a very rough start in our life but our business is doing very well and we can both live a good life from the money it produces.

 

 

OP, please answer:

 

 

During your two years of great sex with the OM how was the sex with your BH?

 

 

Did you have sex less often with your BH?

 

 

Did you ever come home after having sex with the OM and have sex with your BH?

 

 

Were you less enthusiastic with your BH?

 

 

Did you try to get it done faster with your BH?

 

 

Wait till your BH starts asking the real questions.

 

 

 

 

You seem to be down playing what you did for two years and saying it balances out with what you did for BH and his family. There is no BH that is going to see his WW being good to his parents evening out the score for her affair.

 

 

A wife is suppose to be good to her husband's parents and family.

[GoldenR]

OP, please answer:

 

 

During your two years of great sex with the OM how was the sex with your BH?

 

 

Did you have sex less often with your BH?

 

 

Did you ever come home after having sex with the OM and have sex with your BH?

 

 

Were you less enthusiastic with your BH?

 

 

Did you try to get it done faster with your BH?

 

 

Wait till your BH starts asking the real questions

 

 

 

These questions are exactly why I could never seriously give R a try in the past. I'd either hate the answers if the answers were pro OM, or I'd think she was lying if they were pro me. Lose-lose situation....

[road]

I am aware of the drug addiction, I just did not want to put all your personal stuff out there. I do agree that most men would not recover from this. 2 years is a long time, mine was only 5 months and it took me a year to feel better.

 

There are a lot of double edged swords. My xmm was a troll and that upset my H, just like you are upset. But I am telling you, if he was a hot gym instructor, my H would be just as upset and probably insecure. Wouldn't you be? I'm just guessing.

 

The love stuff, as you know, I loved him and it didn't make it any easier for my H. It's all crap the love stuff. H also told OW he loved her. People throw that word around till its meaningless. I do agree though, I suppose OP saying it was just for sex is bad for a man to hear, I just thought, maybe it is something that can be worked on? I mean, you can't make someone unlove someone, but if it is about a sexual desire, you can meet those needs.

 

I am aware these are big things and most people can'r rise above them. My husband is not most people, neither are you.So I was just a bit surprised by your advice. I would have expected you to say to drown him in sex or something.

 

As a side note, it is interesting that people are commenting on me now but not you. Women really get blasted for these things. I think people are horrified that a woman could have an affair for two years for only sex. If she said it was love, I bet you people would be less harsh.

 

 

 

It's not that the affair was 2 years.

 

 

It's about great sex 3 times a week for 104 weeks. Great sex with the OM 312 times. Then if the OM's recovery time was quick then we can say great sex 624 times with the OM.

 

 

As a man two years of emails filled with I love you, sexting, mutual masturbation on Skype or face time on the phone, with hooking up for bad sex twice is a walk in the park to get over.

 

 

So she had feelings does not come close to the damage that long term sex does to the BH.

[road]

I do not believe you need to go into every detail.

 

You and your husband are both to blame for the sex life. You should have talk with him long ago about it.

 

I am sorry to say this, I don't think your husband will be coming back to you. I know I would forgive my wife but we would no longer be married.

 

With what your husband is doing. I think I would go about it in the same manner.

 

No way does the BH get any blame. BH was happy with the sex. BH knew nothing but what him and his wife figured out. WW did not google great sex, go to the library to get some books and "bone" up on the subject. She was not happy. She kept it to herself and decided to work on improving her sex life with another man instead.

[QuietDan]

A 2 year affair will be very hard (but not impossible) to get over.

 

I would downgrade drifters odds solely on the basis that the BS may think it was a few times and perhaps a few weeks as opposed to 2 years since he has little detail and the OP hasn't given her timeline to him.

 

2 years might not be much in the length of this marriage but it is a lot in terms of deceit (a lot of trust issues given she hid it for so long and only was caught due to mischance) and disrespect (she could have ended it at any time and the affair only stopped because she got caught).

Two years is also a lot of time in changing as a person. Hard wire engrained learned and incorporated deep set personality changes. Deeply engrained habits form. Automatic responses. The beginning of deep set expectations. A one night stand is one thing. A one or two month affair is something else. A lot of marriages, start, grow, die and fail in two years. She probable has a lot deeper connection with the other man than she currently is acknowledging.

[BetrayedH]

I am obviously one voice in a multitude here.

 

After reading this thread on and off just about all day, a lot has been said and you've got a lot to process.

 

If I had one thing to focus on the most, I think it has to do with the absolute necessity for you to be honest with this man if you want any hope of reconciling. My wife didn't get it and we didn't make it. I gave her the chance and she continued to lie, deny, and minimize. You should listen to your husband when he says that he feels like he doesn't know you. In his calm and quiet moments with you, he didn't berate you about sex; he is dealing with figuring out if he can ever trust or believe you again.

 

As for the difficult and detailed info about sex with your OM, you need to be willing to humble yourself and honestly answer those questions. I agree with those that have cautioned you not to answer questions that haven't been asked. Give him the control over what details he feels he needs to know. It is also fair to ask him if he is sure he wants the answers to some questions when the answers cannot be unheard. But be willing to answer anything and everything that he feels he needs to know.

 

If you are seen as protecting yourself, your reputation, or your OM, then your reconciliation will be short lived. And don't fool yourself into thinking that you are protecting your H from the truth. Meant gently, making decisions about what truth he gets to know about his own marriage is no longer your right. For two years his right to make informed decisions about his life were denied to him by someone who did not have his best interests at heart. Frankly, your judgment on this subject has sucked, right? Turn that decision over to him. Give him the respect of knowing what he's expected to forgive.

 

There's plenty of threads in this forum's history that demonstrate the folly of a wayward spouse trying to "protect" their betrayed spouse by hiding the truth. In each of those cases, the wayward has not learned the most key lessons about living an authentic life. While many here will caution you about the tragedy of "mind movies" where nearly every little thing reminds your BH about what took place during the affair, I have seen few reconciliations end (if any) due to mind movies. They may plague a BS but they diminish over time, especially when the wayward spouse demonstrates consistent actions over time. But there is one story after another where a reconciliation was ruined by "trickle truth," where little details (or sometimes big ones) come out over time. I think more marriages have been ruined by TT than by the affairs themselves. Many times the betrayed spouse is forced into becoming a private detective to get to the truth. And you'd be amazed by the persistence of our investigative skills when the single most important decision in our life hangs in the balance.

 

I implore you to tell your husband that you will answer whatever he needs to know and that you'll never lie to him again. And mean it.

 

I have a ton more that I'd like to say to you and I suspect that I will do that over time. For now, the most key thing that you can do is to embrace openness, honesty, and transparency. Be willing to bare your soul. Commit to being authentic, for life. And embrace transparency with the understanding that when he investigates and finds nothing, you both win.

 

For what it's worth, nice work getting yourself into therapy, starting and offering up a timeline, for committing to no-contact with your AP and sending that email, and by telling your H that you will fight for this marriage. These were critical first steps.

 

Now strap in for the long haul. Conventional wisdom puts recovery at 2-5 years. You must decide if you actually want this that badly. It takes an immense commitment. Right now you're in a form of damage control. The advantage that you have is that your H is also in his own form of damage control. Just days ago, your H had all of his eggs in one basket - his marriage and family. He had no interest in throwing his life's work away. As a result, the vast majority of betrayed spouses do make at least an initial attempt to reconcile. They weren't looking to throw away their marriage and many just want the bleeding to stop. But to really make it, you'll both need to get past that stage and actually commit to making an immense amount of effort over the long haul. If that 2-5 year time frame intimidates you, I think you might be wise to really think about whether you're up for this. If you're going to get out, now is the time, before you drag your H and children through some muddy half-assed attempt that just prolongs the agony for everyone. And if you're going to stay, do it because you're committed to a marriage that's worth being in - one full of connection, authenticity, and intimacy and completely absent of secrets and lies.

[Jersey born raised]

Blue and some others asked questions I think you need to be ready for:

 

Mr tiny weenie vs the tree stump

 

30 second man vs 30 hour man

 

In your husbands his mind why on earth should you settle for less?

 

Why on earth would anyone want to be with someone who views them this way?

 

I posted two links for you to read to mainstay threads on this boards. You need to be able to understand the mind set of your husband to reconcile. You also need to understand the mind set of the OM.

 

The other man knows he is the MAN ! Your husband the loser. The guy who only gets left overs. Your husband knows this as well. What can you say?

[QuietDan]

Gut response to everything I have read on this. Short term... I don't know... long term... ouch... Long term is where the real pain will begin on this one. This is going to haunt her husband for the rest of his life. He is always going to have a lot of sexual inadequacy after this. He is either going to have to have a huge Cuckold Fetish, or have a sense of self assured sexual confidence to the point of being arrogance to walk through this fire with out 3rd Degree burns to his self image, confidence, ego, sense of manhood. Tell him the truth the whole truth. So he knows what hurdle will need to be taken on to get past this. I don't know how they are ever going to be able to negotiate a truly satisfying sex life for either one of them, much less both of them, after this. Is she ever truly going to be sexually satisfied with or by her husband? Is he really going to settle for the idea that he will never really ever be able to take care of her sexual needs and wants? That she will probable always be quietly pining away and longing and desiring to be sexually taken care of by another man. Will he truly believe that she will be OK with that for the next 60 years if they stay together? Won't he always be wondering if she really wants and desires him?... Always wondering...is this more... fake it till you make it... pity and duty sex...or...there is always the.... fun with the eventual emotional and physical E.D. issues... Those images... never go away.... you just learn to live with ghosts...pretend they don't haunt you... feel guilty that you aren't really past it...or...better yet... blame yourself for it... how many ways did you neglect her... maybe if I had been a better husband... a better man.... maybe if I had better physical equipment... if I had listened... if I was more adventurous...If my personality was different... If I was a different man.... you love her.... you have forgiven her.... you don't want to see her hurt... when she realizes that you still hurt... so you get real good at hiding it... you cover up... do your best to smile... pretend that you don't remember....But...if you really truly had been man enough...????... maybe she wouldn't have ended up looking for someone else....that thought never goes away...

[Jump Through Loops]

One of the first questions I would ask would be 'what did you do with your wedding ring when you were with the OM?'

 

 

Either way, on or off, would be the deal breaker for me.

[aliveagain]

He was calm because he is still in shock, it's only been a few days. It may be months before the real anger sets in, that usually happens after they piece together the amount of deception that is required to carry on a two year affair, followed by the realization of what type of person carries on a two year sexual affair. You will have to dig deep for a "why" and telling him he wasn't as good sexually isn't goin to help you at all, after all, you were his only one, you were his teacher. The answer you give him to your "why" will have a huge effect on the possibility of reconciliation. Your other issue is what you just taught your children and it doesn't matter if reconciliation or divorce happens, there is no good outcome. They learn and base their relationships on what they saw of their parents relationship. Do they now think that infidelity is acceptable in a relationship, will they judge their father for taking you back if you are given a second chance? These things you should discuss in your independent counselling. Your family will all require counselling. I still think you should offer your husband a post nuptial agreement. I just don't see how he can ever trust you again with what you have already shown him you are capable and willing to do if the right opportunity arises.

 

I am a victim of a two year affair and I had a very hard time getting over her betrayal and the feeling of her as tainted and being dirtied by another man. We never made it but in our case my ex had an affair child with the other man(I am absolute proof that they always lie about using protection). It took me about three months to figure out the amount of deception that was required to pull off that much infidelity. Be ready with real and truthful answers for him.

[italianjob]

To tell you the truth, OP, your husband shouldn't take you back, for his own good.

 

You wrote that sex with him is boring and unsatisfying, but sex seems to be important to you since you kept going back to the "better" OM 2 or 3 times a week for 2 years...

 

So you were just curious before, and you became so addicted to it that you went back, more or less, 300 times.

 

How much time will pass before you crave "better sex" again? 6 months, 1 year? 2 years?

 

My guess is that once you are back and forgiven you will cheat again and again, until caught.

 

That's why I think your husband would be better off without you, frankly...

[doyathinkso]

Homealone123 it's time to "go big or go home".

Be completely honest with your husband.

Lay all your cards out on the table.

Then show him and let him read this thread in its entirety.

Then let the chips fall where they may.

[harrybrown]

you have no idea how bad you have hurt your husband.

 

Think about letting him have a two year wonderful sexual affair with the woman of his dreams.

 

that might help you see his pain.

 

hope you contact affair recovery.com.

 

At least show you that you put him ahead of the OM and out the OM to his employment and make a complaint at the gym. Or do you still protect your OM at the expense of your H?

Edited December 8, 2016 by harrybrown
edit

[GoldenR]

I think that you're not being honest with yourself (or anyone else) about not having feelings for OM. Two years and no feelings? Come on...

 

I find it more likely that you knew that OM had no feelings for you and was only in it for NSA sex, and you just went along with it saying you were after the same thing, all the while hoping that time with you would make him care about you the way you did (do) about him.

[homealone123]

Well, I could not sleep and I have taken the time to read all the posts, there are many very helpful and some well...less helpful.

Anyhow I feel I need to clarify some things (I guess English not being my main language makes things more difficult) because people here are making assumptions that have nothing to do with the reality.

 

a) while my affair extended for a period of almost 2 years I only met for sex the OM a total of 17 times and there were some periods (up to 6 months sometimes ) where we didn't do anything further from saying hello and goodbye in the gym or taking a coffee after training. I was well aware he was having sex with other women at the same time that he was doing it with me so we always used protection. My husband has a big libido and I was having much more sex with my husband than I had with OM.

 

b) I have never said that my husband has a small penis! (I want to think that this is not a malicious assumption... ) Actually my husband is both bigger and larger than OM, I am sure my husband with proper guidance could definitely do as well as OM or even better, the main difference was the experience and the stamina.

 

c) Some of you seem to believe that I had to love OM… is it so difficult to understand that a woman can have sex without involving love? I never loved the OM because I was completely unavailable in that area as I never stopped loving my husband, besides the OM lacks the intellectual connection that I need to get to that level of interest. I am telling you how I felt then and how I feel now but if you need to believe something else… that is up to you..

 

About telling all the truth to my husband, I am completely open to be truthful with him but I am not open to go into comparisons. If I am asked my answer will be that you can't compare because I love my husband and what we share when we make love is completely different than what I did with OM. This has been consulted with my counselor and he thinks exactly the same way I do.

 

Answering some people who think I do not seem to have any remorse, well I am not a person who cries and panic, I am a strong character and I may look as a person who has only regrets because I was caught but the truth is that I have felt only relief that my husband has found out about my affair, I am scared and so afraid to lose him but also feel relief that he now knows the truth and if we survive this as a couple then there will be no more secrets between us. I love my husband above anything in this world and I know that he is hurting so yes, I do have remorse for what I have done, I am sorry that I hurt the person I was supposed to protect and I can't explain or justify to myself why I have done such an horrible thing, there is no explanation, there is no justification... I know that what I have done is horrible and my only hope is that his love for me will be strong enough to forgive me. If he doesn't I cannot blame him and I will have to live knowing that I destroyed the best thing that I have ever had and losing my best friend, the person that has always been there for me.

Edited December 8, 2016 by homealone123

[GoldenR]

On refusing H's possible comparison request....just a warning:

 

If you refuse to answer, he will assume the answer goes in favor of the OM.

 

EXAMPLE -

 

H: Was he better than me in bed?

 

You: You can't compare that. I love you. What we have in bed is special. I never loved OM.

 

He hears: Yes, it was steamy, lustful, balls to the wall sex that I will fondly remember forever.

 

 

Does that make sense?

[homealone123]

On refusing H's possible comparison request....just a warning:

 

If you refuse to answer, he will assume the answer goes in favor of the OM.

 

EXAMPLE -

 

H: Was he better than me in bed?

 

You: You can't compare that. I love you. What we have in bed is special. I never loved OM.

 

He hears: Yes, it was steamy, lustful, balks to the wall sex that I will fondly remember forever.

 

 

Does that make sense?

 

Still, that will be all his assumption not my words.

[GoldenR]

Still, that will be all his assumption not my words.

 

To him, it will be reality.

 

And that answer that you gave me shows so much into your attitude. You're basically saying, "he can think what he wants, I can't stop him and I don't care."

 

For a guy, thinking that your W looks back at sex with the OM as being so much better can be a major stumbling block in reconciling.

Edited December 8, 2016 by GoldenR

[BetrayedH]

Gut response to everything I have read on this. Short term... I don't know... long term... ouch... Long term is where the real pain will begin on this one. This is going to haunt her husband for the rest of his life. He is always going to have a lot of sexual inadequacy after this. He is either going to have to have a huge Cuckold Fetish, or have a sense of self assured sexual confidence to the point of being arrogance to walk through this fire with out 3rd Degree burns to his self image, confidence, ego, sense of manhood. Tell him the truth the whole truth. So he knows what hurdle will need to be taken on to get past this. I don't know how they are ever going to be able to negotiate a truly satisfying sex life for either one of them, much less both of them, after this. Is she ever truly going to be sexually satisfied with or by her husband? Is he really going to settle for the idea that he will never really ever be able to take care of her sexual needs and wants? That she will probable always be quietly pining away and longing and desiring to be sexually taken care of by another man. Will he truly believe that she will be OK with that for the next 60 years if they stay together? Won't he always be wondering if she really wants and desires him?... Always wondering...is this more... fake it till you make it... pity and duty sex...or...there is always the.... fun with the eventual emotional and physical E.D. issues... Those images... never go away.... you just learn to live with ghosts...pretend they don't haunt you... feel guilty that you aren't really past it...or...better yet... blame yourself for it... how many ways did you neglect her... maybe if I had been a better husband... a better man.... maybe if I had better physical equipment... if I had listened... if I was more adventurous...If my personality was different... If I was a different man.... you love her.... you have forgiven her.... you don't want to see her hurt... when she realizes that you still hurt... so you get real good at hiding it... you cover up... do your best to smile... pretend that you don't remember....But...if you really truly had been man enough...????... maybe she wouldn't have ended up looking for someone else....that thought never goes away...

 

Some of this may hold true but I think it really depends on how it all unfolds.

 

When I discovered that my W was had been having mid-day hotel sex about twice a week for just over a year, there's no doubt that my ego took a huge hit. All told, it probably took me 3 years to get to a healthy self-view again. There was no doubt that the sex was exciting for her, or she wouldn't have kept going back.

 

Initially there was a good period of hysterical bonding (that's a good term to look up, OP). I was certainly trying to reclaim my manhood (and my wife's ass). While likely a desperation move on my part, it did actually lead to some great sex for us, which I think created a lot of hope for both of us that our sex life could benefit in the long term.

 

In the long run, we divorced because she kept hiding the truth and I kept finding it. While I may have been able to forgive her sexual escapades, what I didn't need was a partner for all things in life that could still lie straight to my face after what I had been through.

 

My fears about being sexually inadequate dissipated over time and I don't have any hang-ups today. Tough to say for sure if they would have remained if I had stayed with her but I don't think so. Given time, I came to truly understand that her affair was entirely about her and nothing to do with me. She had an excessive need for external validation, she was severely conflict avoidant, and she had an overdeveloped sense of entitlement. If she felt there were marital issues, she could have fixed her marriage but she chose a cowardly and selfish route instead. That's on her. And while sex with the OM may have been better, I'm man enough to accept that there are plenty of well-hung studs out there that can probably give it "better" than I. Congrats to them. But they aren't the full package. I also know that the very illicit nature of affair sex brings a dynamic to the table that marital sex rarely does. The whole secret rendezvous, the planning, the anticipation, the lack of any pretense. The person is just there for sex. It's never meant to be permanent. There's no introducing them to your parents or friends. There's no negotiating with them about who will pick the kids up from soccer. It's just time dedicated to illicit sex. And if you're going to risk your marriage and family, you're going to cross boundaries and get as much excitement as you can.

 

As a husband, I don't expect that I competed with that very well, especially since I had no idea I was in competition for my wife. Nor was I supposed to be. Long story short, I learned to cut myself a break.

 

Depending on how things play it out between these two, I think that they can have a perfectly happy sex life together going forward. It can also end up as you described, with both of them miserable. It's up to them.

[Bryanp]

I just have to say that although you say that English is not your primary language, you write and express yourself superbly.

[homealone123]

To him, it will be reality.

 

And that answer that you gave me shows so much into your attitude. You're basically saying, "he can think what he wants, I can't stop him and I don't care."

 

There is nothing I can say that makes it right, If I say yes he will think yes and if I say no he will think yes.... it doesn't matter what I say but it matters how I say it and the counselor has been very clear on that. While my counselor is working to help me and help my relationship with my husband you and some others are definitely not, you think my husband should not take me back and you may be right but the fact is that I am going to fight for my marriage whether some people here like it or not.

 

My answer and attitude is not towards my husband but towards some posters who are not contributing ...just lashing out. This is my last answer to anyone of you individually. I will keep updating on how things are developing and taking the good advises until I think there is nothing positive to take anymore.

[Ocdude]

Still, that will be all his assumption not my words.

 

Homealone,

 

In psychology terms, you appear incongruent, you don't 'look' how you 'fee', you don't 'act' what you say you 'feel', you 'appear' like the way you 'write'.

 

Words mean very little to your husband right now, without congruent feeling. Maybe it's your language barrier? But you appear to get your point across clearly to me... just without the feelings of remorse.... only your words are there.

[GoldenR]

There is nothing I can say that makes it right, If I say yes he will think yes and if I say no he will think yes.... it doesn't matter what I say but it matters how I say it and the counselor has been very clear on that. While my counselor is working to help me and help my relationship with my husband you and some others are definitely not, you think my husband should not take me back and you may be right but the fact is that I am going to fight for my marriage whether some people here like it or not.

 

My answer and attitude is not towards my husband but towards some posters who are not contributing ...just lashing out. This is my last answer to anyone of you individually. I will keep updating on how things are developing and taking the good advises until I think there is nothing positive to take anymore.

 

 

I wish you luck.

 

If your words match how you truly feel, there may be hope.