I cheated, now my life is destroyed. (long )

[Whatnotagain]

I agree with that. I did not exercise the verb love towards my husband. That is what I meant with the difference between feeling love and being loving. I was not being loving to my husband nor to my kids and that is something I don't understand, how I allowed my self to stop being loving to those who you do feel love for. I am working on that concept with my counselor. Thank you for your input BH.

 

It is typical of most affairs that when someone becomes involved with another person they start to withdraw emotionally from their spouse and in your case the children too. Everything that you did with the OM, the conversations, going for coffee, working out was building intimacy with him. That is when your affair started, everything that you did in secret behind your husbands back. It wasn't only about the sex. The reason that you enjoyed sex with him as much as you did because of the intimacy that you built with him. And as you built intimacy with the OM, you withdrew it from your husband. You still had sex with your husband and more frequently than with the OM, but you were not building intimacy with him. Your energy and effort to have a great sex life was not spent on your husband but on the OM. This is why I have a hard time accepting you claim that it was only sex because just sex is meeting up somewhere, ****ing each other, and then leaving. Not just sex is hang with each other, talking, having coffee, working out, etc. You are lying to yourself.

[gettingstronger]

Things I recall from the early stages of this

 

You'll say and do the wrong thing more than the right thing and that's OK

 

You will lie to protect yourself and your spouses feelings without really intending to lie- you just can bring yourself to admit somethings

 

You'll love and hate each other at the same time

 

The sex will be amazing but often followed by a big fight

 

You'll feel more insecure than you ever thought possible

 

Not trying to discourage you from trying, just letting you know triumph and failure are all part of this and it's hard work and it sucks, but it's the way it is and it gets better no matter if you stay together or split.

[understand50]

Homealone,

 

You have gotten really good advise, and you are implementing. I only remind you, that what ever happens is not in your control. Be prepare for what ever your husband decides. I think he his taking his time, and that is a good sign. Just remember, if it was him here, there would be a loud and persistent cry for him to divorce you. Keep in mind that for the next year or so, your marriage will be in the balance. Do all the things yo have to do, but keep in mind this is going to take a lot of time. A lifetime really. Your first step is to save the marriage and relationship. I think you are on your way for that, keep up the good work. The second step is to build and repair, both with your husband, your son and extended family. If you read the threads here by couples who have "successfully" reconciled, you will see it is never ending. So is marriage in general, and may be the fact that you stopped working at it, is part or most of the reason that lead to your infidelity. Food for thought.

 

The next big step is your husband deciding and going back to the house. My only advise here is to carve of a place and time you two can talk, and have privacy to say to each other all the things that need to be. Respect his privacy on this, so that he may also respect yours. Make it easy for him to talk. Communication is your only friend here. Respect his wish and decisions, not matter what they may be at this time. My wife was willing to accept what ever I wanted, after both her ONS, and her overspending. This goes along way to show you get it. Giving back the respect that was taken by your affairs. He may go back and fourth several times in deciding if he should give you a second chance. This is normal. Remember, you do not have control here, but can only try and show, it will not happen again, and that you have and will continue to change for the better.

 

I wish you luck.....

[BetrayedH]

BH

 

I admire you so much. We've been here for awhile and I remember your early days when you argued against those who were tough on you and you defended your insistence to reconcile with your wife.

 

Our styles are different but our hearts are in the right place.

 

I actually do hope the OP successfully saves her marriage and family.

 

Ah, yes, the good ole days. I think I actually got used to being called a cuckold and the insinuations that I liked it. Good grief. Waywards can rest assured that they're not the only ones that get bashed around here.

 

And yes I most certainly did defend my insistence to attempt reconciliation. I didn't think that her affair needed to define her. But with her continued nonsense after Dday, it most certainly did. Now I consistently advise a much tougher stance than the one I took. Ah well. Live and learn.

 

And yes, I know you actually hope the OP succeeds. Softy.

 

Threadjack complete. Carry on.

[homealone123]

It is typical of most affairs that when someone becomes involved with another person they start to withdraw emotionally from their spouse and in your case the children too. Everything that you did with the OM, the conversations, going for coffee, working out was building intimacy with him. That is when your affair started, everything that you did in secret behind your husbands back. It wasn't only about the sex. The reason that you enjoyed sex with him as much as you did because of the intimacy that you built with him. And as you built intimacy with the OM, you withdrew it from your husband. You still had sex with your husband and more frequently than with the OM, but you were not building intimacy with him. Your energy and effort to have a great sex life was not spent on your husband but on the OM. This is why I have a hard time accepting you claim that it was only sex because just sex is meeting up somewhere, ****ing each other, and then leaving. Not just sex is hang with each other, talking, having coffee, working out, etc. You are lying to yourself.

 

We can agree we disagree... you can't accept that I only wanted sex with that man and I can't make you believe something you don't want to believe so... what is the point of the discussion?

OM meant nothing for me, I can forget about him without any pain, without missing him or feeling any kind of sadness that he won't be in my future. He just happened to be there... it could have been any attractive man... I am broken and I wanted it to happen...

[DKT3]

Like Mrs JA, I was going to stay away. But I wanted to add a bit also.

 

Homealone is scared, my wife was scared as are most WW's and WH's once they get caught. She had gotten comfortable with what she was doing and who she had become then boom with no warning or time to adjust she was thrown into this scenario that I'm confident she never really thought would happen.

 

Most of what I've read here is solid stuff as it is most of the time here. But very little is reaching the target. In time as she works through this process many of the things said will start to make more sense to her, she will see it for its intentions.

 

To clarify my last post some homealone, what I'm saying is you are minimizing the damage with things like I don't have feelings for OM. No one is suggesting your head over heels in love with the guy, we are simply saying there is more of a emotional connection then you are allowing yourself to see, time will teach you this lesson. Secondly, when you ask and seek someone to confirm that you shouldn't give information it's manipulative. You are attempting to control the outcome by controlling information. A truly remorseful WS doesn't do that. The best approach is answer what's asked period, with total honesty. A truly remorseful WS will give the BS the clearest picture possible to allow them to make the best decision for them as an individual and not you as a couple.

 

Lastly, you can't FIX what you've done, you have to adjust to it and do your best to make him feel safe and comfortable with you as his wife or with you as a co-parent. This doesn't go away either way, if he stays he will forever have a changed view of you your future and even you past. If he leaves it will have a impact on any and every future relationship. You have changed his world and view of it. So you need to be careful with things like my husband would never do this or say that. That man is gone, only time will tell what's in his place.

[Whatnotagain]

We can agree we disagree... you can't accept that I only wanted sex with that man and I can't make you believe something you don't want to believe so... what is the point of the discussion?

OM meant nothing for me, I can forget about him without any pain, without missing him or feeling any kind of sadness that he won't be in my future. He just happened to be there... it could have been any attractive man... I am broken and I wanted it to happen...

 

Yes, I believe that he means nothing to you now.

[BetrayedH]

Anytime I was told that the A had nothing to do with me, I took offense. Bc every single time they held hands, touched, kissed, had sex, smiled at each other, texted, talked, etc....every single one of those instances was a great big flip of the middle finger directed at me. It's not like they thought what they were doing was ok. They knew it was wrong...the ultimate betrayal. So yes, It had everything to do with me.

 

You're right that this particular expression doesn't always sit well. Some BSs are offended by it because they were most certainly impacted by the affair so it ultimately did end up "about them" in the worst possible way.

 

But my point was that the BS was in no way the cause of the affair. What causes an affair is not marital problems or a problem with a spouse; what causes an affair is the decision to engage in one. It's not a marital problem; it's a personal one.

 

And while I would agree that the APs certainly knew that what they were doing was "wrong," I really don't think that every wayward is shooting a big middle finger at their spouse by engaging in an affair. Many, many waywards have been here and made it clear that their spouse was always good to them and didn't deserve what happened to them. Instead of the affair being a big "F you" to the BS, the BS was simply compartmentalized away. Are there exceptions to this? Absolutely. My exwife is a prime example. She reveled in the fact that she was screwing around behind my back. I know because she wrote about it. She took delight in every time I sat on my couch where she'd been screwed good by the OM. But I think this is the exception, not the rule. I think most waywards are just plain selfish and think they'll get away with it and the BS is intentionally compartmentalized out of the equation.

[Buckeye2]

It sounds as if the OM has a stud service going on. Are his other women also married? Are they also his students that pay him? Do the husbands know that they are paying a guy that is also having sex with their wife? Does the OM own the gym or is he an employee?

 

If you care nothing about the OM expose him before he destroys other marriages.

 

The other two other women I know he slept with often (also members of the gym) were single, I know he had sex with other women as well but I have no idea who they were.

Here where I live there is no laws against a instructor having sex with a customer, if my husband finds it appropriated I will inform the owner of the gym but I doubt it will have any consequences from the OM.

 

I understand that consensual sex between adults isn’t against the law. However if I owned a gym I wouldn’t want husbands finding out that one of my hot instructors had a record of servicing their wives. It might be bad for business. I would have to decide if the instructor brought in more business than he lost.

[Noirek]

I think because we are all self centered on some level. Obviously it manifests in different ways and some to a greater extent. It doesn't sit well with some people something not being all about them. Its hard to accept. Specially in a marriage. Specially when it is something that actually should have been "about them".

 

I'm not one of those people who believes a bs never ever has anything to do with a ws choice to have an affair in every single story that exsists or is completely blameless in the breakdown that leads to one. Stories are far too varied for that and so are people. But for the OP, her H definetly doesn't even share marriage problem blames. And it doesn't seem like she blames him.

[DKT3]

I think because we are all self centered on some level. Obviously it manifests in different ways and some to a greater extent. It doesn't sit well with some people something not being all about them. Its hard to accept. Specially in a marriage. Specially when it is something that actually should have been "about them".

 

I'm not one of those people who believes a bs never ever has anything to do with a ws choice to have an affair in every single story that exsists or is completely blameless in the breakdown that leads to one. Stories are far too varied for that and so are people. But for the OP, her H definetly doesn't even share marriage problem blames. And it doesn't seem like she blames him.

 

That is extremely rare that a WW doesn't blame the husband and a positive sign. I can think of only a handful here, you being one.

 

Now I absolutely disagree with the notion that a BS owns any blame in any affair, bar them placing the OM penis in his wife, or her toss the OW on top of her husband. There are millions of ways to deal with marriage issues, it's all on the WS that they chose cheating.

[BetrayedH]

That is extremely rare that a WW doesn't blame the husband and a positive sign. I can think of only a handful here, you being one.

 

Now I absolutely disagree with the notion that a BS owns any blame in any affair, bar them placing the OM penis in his wife, or her toss the OW on top of her husband. There are millions of ways to deal with marriage issues, it's all on the WS that they chose cheating.

 

I'd agree but I think this also isn't the thread for that argument.

[Whoknew30]

That is extremely rare that a WW doesn't blame the husband and a positive sign. I can think of only a handful here, you being one.

 

Now I absolutely disagree with the notion that a BS owns any blame in any affair, bar them placing the OM penis in his wife, or her toss the OW on top of her husband. There are millions of ways to deal with marriage issues, it's all on the WS that they chose cheating.

 

it's not the fault of the BS for A but after dday many BS don't own their part in the relationship issues that led to A...& I don't agree with that either. In many A there was a breakdown in the marriage to begin.

[katielee]

relationship issues that led to A...

 

Relationship issues don't lead to affairs. Individual issues do.

The BS can absolutely own their part in a relationship breakdown. But that has nothing to do with the WS choosing to have an affair.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Many betrayed spouses perceive explanations as excuses or blame. We need to allow people time to set the situation and circumstance up....

 

If the language continues to blame shift.. then we have an issue.

 

I am not hearing home alone blaming her husband for her behavior at this time.

 

I hear her telling us the circumstances surrounding their relationship.

 

It is especially hard at first to come to a forum... not knowing the language and terms and not offend someone else.

 

I was unfairly judged for saying calling my affair one term and my husband calling it another. Prior to that I had always just called it an affair. The other terms were new to me. My intent was not to diminish the seriousness of my infidelity.

 

We should be open minded enough to allow home alone time to acclimate to this forum. She is tender... each jab hurts... and she doesn't even understand why she is being jabbed.

 

She is going to make many mistakes ... everyone of us have.

There is no picture perfect reconciliation or relationship.

 

Look at some of the long time posters here and see the growth they have made from their early postings and compare them to now.

 

That's what this is about... a journey. Two steps forward ... one step back.

[Whoknew30]

Relationship issues don't lead to affairs. Individual issues do.

The BS can absolutely own their part in a relationship breakdown. But that has nothing to do with the WS choosing to have an affair.

 

I don't agree with that a motive for an A can't be a relationship issue...ok you have a couple that's in a bad place, all they do is fight. If you don't think that opens a HUGE door for someone else to prey on that kind of vulnerability? Will some people have A just bc they want to, of course but there are some that thought never in a million years would they & they find themselves in the middle of a bad relationship or really bad time in their relationship & it wether one knows it or not, a bad relationship vulnerable to an A.

[katielee]

People can certainly be vulnerable. Still their issue to maintain those boundaries.

[Whoknew30]

People can certainly be vulnerable. Still their issue to maintain those boundaries.

 

We're talking reality...the world isn't perfect & not one person living in it, is either. I've had one A, with a single man, learned & moved on, same with my H. So in our cases I think we did it bc of a bad relationship. Had either of us screwed with someone else's marriage or had it done more than once maybe id think differently...but I know we don't have boundary issues, we had a bad marriage & I don't think really cared about each other at that time.

[aliveagain]

You're right that this particular expression doesn't always sit well. Some BSs are offended by it because they were most certainly impacted by the affair so it ultimately did end up "about them" in the worst possible way.

 

But my point was that the BS was in no way the cause of the affair. What causes an affair is not marital problems or a problem with a spouse; what causes an affair is the decision to engage in one. It's not a marital problem; it's a personal one.

 

And while I would agree that the APs certainly knew that what they were doing was "wrong," I really don't think that every wayward is shooting a big middle finger at their spouse by engaging in an affair. Many, many waywards have been here and made it clear that their spouse was always good to them and didn't deserve what happened to them. Instead of the affair being a big "F you" to the BS, the BS was simply compartmentalized away. Are there exceptions to this? Absolutely. My exwife is a prime example. She reveled in the fact that she was screwing around behind my back. I know because she wrote about it. She took delight in every time I sat on my couch where she'd been screwed good by the OM. But I think this is the exception, not the rule. I think most waywards are just plain selfish and think they'll get away with it and the BS is intentionally compartmentalized out of the equation.

 

BH this is very hard for a betrayed spouse to accept and understand, what did they do to deserve such treatment? There has to be some of this going on in every infidelity at some level. HA123 only you know what you were thinking when you went home to your family after being with your other man. Only HA123 knows if the memories of the sex she had with other man were thought of fondly when reliving the experience while doing her daily duties. I posted quite some time ago about my experience, my ex actually brought her other man into our home under the pretense of being her girlfriends date. I actually made him dinner, served him my best Amarone wines and while I was in the kitchen preparing the meal, she was making out with him on our pool table, her girl friend was their lookout. This happened on several occasions. How does a mother of three do such things to the man that she loves, the man that supports her and her children and works his a$$ off to giver her love, support and a great lifestyle? I can not believe that these memories were never thought of again with some sick secret pleasure. Mr. ha123's will be asking himself the same question even if he never brings it up.

[usa1ah]

I agree with that. I did not exercise the verb love towards my husband. That is what I meant with the difference between feeling love and being loving. I was not being loving to my husband nor to my kids and that is something I don't understand, how I allowed my self to stop being loving to those who you do feel love for. I am working on that concept with my counselor. Thank you for your input BH.

 

 

 

 

Think a little and you will see the answer. You have already explained this in your first post. When you dwell on something for as long as you did, it changes your outlook on things and the way you interact with people. You chose to hold your family accountable for your lost youth so your feeling changed towards them accordingly.

 

 

I believe you love your family, but you are not in love with your husband. With you holding him responsible for your unhappiness and discontent, how could you be in love with him. You never felt any guilt for what you were doing. You are only unset now because you lost your family not because you feel guilty for cheating. I think the lack of guilt says everything about how you feel towards your husband.

 

 

Also the way you are answering on here. I don't know who you have for a shrink but I think I would be finding another.

[QuietDan]

Something about this thread/case seems to have really pulled a lot of the experienced site users. The quantity and quality of input is impressive. It is almost like a summary compendium of wisdom, observations, warnings, and input of a wide variety of previous threads on this site that I have browsed through over the years. I think I remember HA123 saying she has been following this site for a while. She seems to be fairly informed as the proper sequence of events and responses. A lot of what she says is following the script for the best way for WS to navigate through D-Day and the following time and events. In some ways she may be a bit to informed and prepped for this. She is following the script the best she can. Maybe too well.

 

Possible a bit too prepared.... If she was a bit too prepared for this....

Some of the true honest, spontaneous, emotional, empathetic responses that the BS might be needing to see and feel coming from the WS might not be happening in a truly believable way.

Some of her reply's and responses appear to be a bit to well rehearsed, polished, scripted... I mean he is shock mode... and she is responding with almost well scripted carefully worded replies and statements. I think if this is the case, he will notice it, and it will be one more issue that he will be weighing the situation with when he is contemplating how to proceed with things.

 

This period of separation and detachment that the BS has implemented, is also a significant factor and issue. I suppose I can remember one or two threads that this was somewhat successful for relationship recovery. Then again, there were also a couple of threads that the imposed separation period by the man seemed to have lead to the door to recovery being closed and locked.

[Jersey born raised]

Good Day HA123,

 

I do think you are getting it to a geater degree then some seem to think. Before you had children you knew a great deal about them. They would wake you up at all hours, the fluctuation of your hormones, the feeding, the none stop changing of diapers. But what you could not understand is the day in and day out the numbing day in and day out fatigue.

 

Then your babies became todders, the non-stop why's, and buts and asking yourself will it never end. Asking yourself how can anyone endure this.

 

Finally if 17 is your number, then stick to it. Without truth we always fail.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Something about this thread/case seems to have really pulled a lot of the experienced site users. The quantity and quality of input is impressive. It is almost like a summary compendium of wisdom, observations, warnings, and input of a wide variety of previous threads on this site that I have browsed through over the years. I think I remember HA123 saying she has been following this site for a while. She seems to be fairly informed as the proper sequence of events and responses. A lot of what she says is following the script for the best way for WS to navigate through D-Day and the following time and events. In some ways she may be a bit to informed and prepped for this. She is following the script the best she can. Maybe too well.

 

Possible a bit too prepared.... If she was a bit too prepared for this....

Some of the true honest, spontaneous, emotional, empathetic responses that the BS might be needing to see and feel coming from the WS might not be happening in a truly believable way.

Some of her reply's and responses appear to be a bit to well rehearsed, polished, scripted... I mean he is shock mode... and she is responding with almost well scripted carefully worded replies and statements. I think if this is the case, he will notice it, and it will be one more issue that he will be weighing the situation with when he is contemplating how to proceed with things.

 

This period of separation and detachment that the BS has implemented, is also a significant factor and issue. I suppose I can remember one or two threads that this was somewhat successful for relationship recovery. Then again, there were also a couple of threads that the imposed separation period by the man seemed to have lead to the door to recovery being closed and locked.

 

Not only on this thread.... the pm's are flying fast and furious.

[Furious]

Something about this thread/case seems to have really pulled a lot of the experienced site users. The quantity and quality of input is impressive. It is almost like a summary compendium of wisdom, observations, warnings, and input of a wide variety of previous threads on this site that I have browsed through over the years. I think I remember HA123 saying she has been following this site for a while. She seems to be fairly informed as the proper sequence of events and responses. A lot of what she says is following the script for the best way for WS to navigate through D-Day and the following time and events. In some ways she may be a bit to informed and prepped for this. She is following the script the best she can. Maybe too well.

 

Possible a bit too prepared.... If she was a bit too prepared for this....

Some of the true honest, spontaneous, emotional, empathetic responses that the BS might be needing to see and feel coming from the WS might not be happening in a truly believable way.

Some of her reply's and responses appear to be a bit to well rehearsed, polished, scripted... I mean he is shock mode... and she is responding with almost well scripted carefully worded replies and statements. I think if this is the case, he will notice it, and it will be one more issue that he will be weighing the situation with when he is contemplating how to proceed with things.

 

This period of separation and detachment that the BS has implemented, is also a significant factor and issue. I suppose I can remember one or two threads that this was somewhat successful for relationship recovery. Then again, there were also a couple of threads that the imposed separation period by the man seemed to have lead to the door to recovery being closed and locked.

 

 

 

You raise an interesting point. I just re-read the opening post and it doesn't make sense. The impression is she was just recently caught and yet has been a long time lurker. Maybe she can clarify this.

[GoldenR]

If it was 11 times in the first two months, then that means just 6 times in the next 22 months. BH got lucky that he followed her on the day that he did.