I cheated, now my life is destroyed. (long )

[understand50]

homealone123,

 

OK, first, you did, what you have done, you cannot take it back. At this point you know whatever happens it is mostly your husbands decision. Trying to obsess about why you had the affair, and if you really loved your OM or husband more is pointless, your energy should be put into try to prove that you are worth a second chance. Once your husbands anger, hurt and pain lessens. It will never really go away. You and your husband, if you are together, can try and work out why.

 

Until then, work on yourself, work on being a good wife, good mother, and most importantly, put your husband first. Remember, if he decides to reconcile with you it is a huge gift, treat it so always. It is going to take the rest of both your lives to come to terms with what you have done, so play the long game. Even if you divorce, you will need to get along because you have children.

 

You are not a bad person, but you did a bad thing and hurt those you love. Right now, you are just glimpsing what true remorse is. Mostly I think, it is you being frightened about what may happen to your life. This is normal, but if you want to help yourself and your loved ones, read up, talk to your counselor, turn to your religion, and try and find it. It the end, this will make all the difference to your husband, and to you and your soul.

 

I wish you all the luck you need......

[Mrs. John Adams]

Homealone...As a wayward wife to a wayward wife...I would like to ask you some questions...questions that were asked of me. Please answer them honestly.

 

Why do you want to reconcile with your husband? Is it because he offers you security? Because you are afraid? Because of your children? Because of money?

Do you love him? Do you respect him?

 

Why did you go with the other man the first time? Why did you keep going back? Did you ever tell him you love him? Did he tell you he loves you? Would you have moved in with him if he had asked? Did you ever have any other affairs?

 

Was he bigger than your husband? Did you do things for him you have never done for your husband? Did you climax? Did you let him eat you? Did you give him a blow job and let him come in your mouth?

 

Homealone...I had sex with the om one time....I was never alone with him at anytime except that one time....and these were questions my husband asked me....and has continued to ask me for the last 33 years.

 

You have cheated on your husband with the same man for two years....he will have so many heartbreaking questions....and they will make you both cry...you because you know the answer will tear him apart...and him because he can't believe you are who you have become.

 

He will cry for the innocence lost that you can never return....he will cry for the past years wondering how much of those years are a lie...he will cry for the future because he is afraid there will be none.

 

My husband could not sleep....I took him to the doctor and she gave him antidepressants to help him stabilize....he only took them for a short while...enough to help him sleep. He could not function at work....his mind continuously churning the details and the questions.

 

We went to a therapist...who was TERRIBLE...but came highly recommended...so don't think just because your therapist tells you he is an expert....that he is not capable of making mistakes.

 

Two years after my affair...my husband had a revenge affair.

 

When I tell you that this healing takes time and tremendous work....It is only the tip of the iceberg. My children were small...we did not have to deal with them knowing or explaining things to them. You have children who are older and who know exactly what has transpired.....add into your equation the mental health of your children as well.

 

I am not saying reconciliation cannot happen...I am saying this will be harder than you have ever imagined and will take longer than you can believe. There is so much to process and so much to figure out and there will be days that you just want to stop it all and get off the merry go round.

 

Your husband will trigger...he will lash out at you...he will cry....he will withdraw...he will reach for you....he will ask you WHY millions of time...and the sad part of it is...you don't know why either...

 

Ultimately waywards and betrayed both want the same thing....they want it to never have happened at all....and neither one can get what they want.

 

Prepare yourself as best you can for this journey....and if you have any doubts that you will fail him...get a divorce. Don't put him and your sons through anymore lies.

 

Become completely transparent....set up very strict boundaries. Read the macdonald book I told you about....

 

and follow your husbands lead....you must allow him to now be in charge....you took his power away for two years...if you are serious about reconciliation....you must give him his power back.

 

This does not mean you have to be subservient....or should tolerate abusive behavior.

 

You have many things against you in the endeavor. 50% of marriages end in divorce....infidelity increases those odds. You did not end the affair and confess...your affair was discovered....that increases the odds. Your affair was two years long...that increases the divorce odds as well.

 

So...the odds are against you...have realistic expectations....but also have hope.

 

My best to you.....

[homealone123]

Your point here, I can understand 100%.

 

If the time comes that you're intimate with your H again, the "guiding him" thing, I'm just not sure how you'll go about doing that without him thinking that you want him to do it like the OM did it. Perhaps if you can get him to go to a sex therapist with you? Idk....

 

Hopefully you do get to this point. Cross that bridge at that time.

 

This is a great point, if I get a second chance with my husband, if he ever accept me back in his bed I will definitely use this advise. Thank you for your input!

[homealone123]

Homealone...As a wayward wife to a wayward wife...I would like to ask you some questions...questions that were asked of me. Please answer them honestly.

 

Why do you want to reconcile with your husband? Is it because he offers you security? Because you are afraid? Because of your children? Because of money?

Do you love him? Do you respect him?

 

Why did you go with the other man the first time? Why did you keep going back? Did you ever tell him you love him? Did he tell you he loves you? Would you have moved in with him if he had asked? Did you ever have any other affairs?

 

Was he bigger than your husband? Did you do things for him you have never done for your husband? Did you climax? Did you let him eat you? Did you give him a blow job and let him come in your mouth?

 

Homealone...I had sex with the om one time....I was never alone with him at anytime except that one time....and these were questions my husband asked me....and has continued to ask me for the last 33 years.

 

You have cheated on your husband with the same man for two years....he will have so many heartbreaking questions....and they will make you both cry...you because you know the answer will tear him apart...and him because he can't believe you are who you have become.

 

He will cry for the innocence lost that you can never return....he will cry for the past years wondering how much of those years are a lie...he will cry for the future because he is afraid there will be none.

 

My husband could not sleep....I took him to the doctor and she gave him antidepressants to help him stabilize....he only took them for a short while...enough to help him sleep. He could not function at work....his mind continuously churning the details and the questions.

 

We went to a therapist...who was TERRIBLE...but came highly recommended...so don't think just because your therapist tells you he is an expert....that he is not capable of making mistakes.

 

Two years after my affair...my husband had a revenge affair.

 

When I tell you that this healing takes time and tremendous work....It is only the tip of the iceberg. My children were small...we did not have to deal with them knowing or explaining things to them. You have children who are older and who know exactly what has transpired.....add into your equation the mental health of your children as well.

 

I am not saying reconciliation cannot happen...I am saying this will be harder than you have ever imagined and will take longer than you can believe. There is so much to process and so much to figure out and there will be days that you just want to stop it all and get off the merry go round.

 

Your husband will trigger...he will lash out at you...he will cry....he will withdraw...he will reach for you....he will ask you WHY millions of time...and the sad part of it is...you don't know why either...

 

Ultimately waywards and betrayed both want the same thing....they want it to never have happened at all....and neither one can get what they want.

 

Prepare yourself as best you can for this journey....and if you have any doubts that you will fail him...get a divorce. Don't put him and your sons through anymore lies.

 

Become completely transparent....set up very strict boundaries. Read the macdonald book I told you about....

 

and follow your husbands lead....you must allow him to now be in charge....you took his power away for two years...if you are serious about reconciliation....you must give him his power back.

 

This does not mean you have to be subservient....or should tolerate abusive behavior.

 

You have many things against you in the endeavor. 50% of marriages end in divorce....infidelity increases those odds. You did not end the affair and confess...your affair was discovered....that increases the odds. Your affair was two years long...that increases the divorce odds as well.

 

So...the odds are against you...have realistic expectations....but also have hope.

 

My best to you.....

 

Thank you!

 

I will have the answer ready to your questions but I don't think it proceed to or is necessary to answer the sexual related questions here and I only expect to have even more people lashing out to me if I do. I will answer with full honesty to whatever my husband may ask me.

 

I can tell you that I want to reconcile because I love my husband, I have loved him all my life. I never told the OM that I loved him neither did he tell me he loved me, it was very clear for both of us were we stood and what was about the business on hand.I am a strong woman and I don't need my husband security to survive, I am not in this marriage for security but because I love him. Our business produces enough money to be able to live a good life after divorce for both of us, money or stability is not a decision making either to stay or to divorce.

 

I understand that it won't be a easy road to reconciliation, actually probably a divorce would be easier at this time but I am for the rough ride if my husband wants to try it.

 

I know my husband well and I don't think it is in his character to have a revenge affair but I almost wish he would do that to even the field and make our reconciliation possible. It is devastating the idea of him in the arms of another woman but if that would be the price to pay to have him back and to be able to rebuild I would let him have it. :(

 

I understand why many of you would doubt this but the truth is that I have never for a second doubt that my husband is the love of my life, I miss him and I am hurting terribly because he is hurting and I can't be there for him as I have always been.

[Mrs. John Adams]

No there is no need to answer the questions here....I just wanted you to know what to expect...be cause he will ask them.

 

I also did not think my husband would have a revenge affair...I never even thought about it honestly until it happened.

 

I find it interesting that when you started this thread your English was perfect and now it is broken.....were you using a translator at first and are not using it now?

 

It sounds like you have the situation under control...I bid you farewell and wish you the best of luck....

[homealone123]

 

I find it interesting that when you started this thread your English was perfect and now it is broken.....were you using a translator at first and are not using it now?

 

Nope... I didn't realize that my English was good before nor that it is not that good now, I guess I took more time to think what I was writing before and now I just answer on the spot the posts of the people and I am making therefore more mistakes...

[Owl6118]

Dear HA123--

 

I was impressed by the strength and clarity in your last post.

 

I have a profound personal belief in the possibility of redemption, becuase I have experienced it in my own life. I am an alcoholic, and when I was drinking, I forsook my career and my friendships and my duties to pursue the easy relief from inner pain and uncertainty I found in drinking. But I got sober, and with sobriety has come a new life more rich than I ever could have imagined in the days when I beleived with all my soul that I could not survive another day without a drink.

 

There are some analogies between addictions like alcohol and affairs. They are not the same but they "rhyme." And there are even stronger analogies between recovery from addiction and recovery from affairs.

 

I'd like to offer you some things I learned the hard way that may be of help to you.

 

The first is the idea of compartmentalization.

 

When we give ourselves permission to do that which is deeply wrong and harmful to ourselves and those around us, we do so by putting it into a compartment. We wall off that self and what it is doing off from the rest of us. We put all the bad, secret stuff in the bad self compartment, and we pretend that compartment doesn't exist when we are in our normal life. We pretend there is no connection between the two. And we focus on all the good things we do in our normal good life to reassure ourselves that we are a good person.

 

Part of the work in front of you is tearing down your compartments. This is hard work. You built them lovingly, brick by brick, and put a lot of energy into maintaining them. Even now, when you are under such terrible stress, you are going to turn to them for comfort. The line of thought is, "but I was a good mother, a good friend, a good business partner. All the good stuff has to outweigh the bad."

 

And you will also think to yourself, now I will just throw out the person in the bad compartment. She will go away, I will be again and only the person in the good compartment, and that is how I will change and be safe.

 

It is important that you start to work against this line of thinking.

 

The hard truth is there never were two compartments, two yous, a bad secret you and a healthy real you. There was only ever you. The hard work now is accepting that all of it, the bad as well as the good, was you. Your choices, your needs put first.

 

One of the biggest reasons that you have to fight with yourself to tear down this wall between the compartments is becuause that wall does not exist for your husband and your kids. They are going to be struggling to understand how you could "pretend," as they see it, when you were with them, to be someone you weren't really. They will not accept any answer that starts with "that was not the real me." They will want to understand how you could live with them while hiding so much, that would affect them so much when the truth came out.

 

The only way to answer them is after the compartment comes down. It won't come overnight. Your consellor will help you.

 

For the short run, I just want you to recognize that all those "but I did this, that, the third thing in my good self compartment" are ultimately not going to help. They will offer you a hit of short-term comfort, but they are not going to help you understand who you really are, or understand what you need to change about yourself.

 

The other point I want to raise for you to think about is empathy. I sometimes think all affairs are, at bottom, a catapstrophic failure of empathy.

 

When we are functioning as well-integrated people with a well-functioning emotional range, our sense of empathy is sharpest for those closest to us. A very clear statement of this is the old cliche, "cut him or her, I bleed." When you first bonded with your husband and I imagine for many years thereafter, this would have been and I am sure was true for you too. The thought of an affair would have been repulsive, because the very thought of it would have caused you to feel, like an advance echo, his pain, if you were to betray him. Imagining his pain would have caused you pain. Cut him, you bleed.

 

In an affair the first thing that happens, long before other boundaries are crossed, is that natural flux of empathy for your life partner gets attenuated. ... You still think of him being cut--that after all is why affairs are kept hidden--but you don't FEEL it. You think of him being cut (if he finds out that is, which you put a lot of effort into ensuring won't happen) but you don't bleed at the very thought. This is the first and greatest betrayal, of your true best self and of your partner. Its the self-betrayal from which the others flow.

 

In many cases that sense of empathy gets transferred to the affair partner. In some cases, and yours may be one, I think it gets transferred to yourself. You got to a place where she felt only your own pain over something your thought others had and you didn't and no longer had any empathy for anyone who would be hurt by acts you took to address that.

 

Rebuilding empathy, like tearing down compartments, doesn't happen overnight. It is hard to stay engaged with someone in terrible pain, when you caused it. You will want to retreat, either to close yourself off or to push your shame to the foreground to put the focus back on you and your feelings and needs. There is no quick road. But awareness can help. Be aware that, in a thousand subtle ways, you have been blunting your sense of empathy for your husband. Having it come back is like having pain when a dead or numb nerve comes to life.

 

Good luck. I hope you find something in this that is of help.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You asked a few posts ago if you were broken. Yes, I would say people like you and me are broken.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Nope... I didn't realize that my English was good before nor that it is not that good now, I guess I took more time to think what I was writing before and now I just answer on the spot the posts of the people and I am making therefore more mistakes...

 

thank you...i was a bit confused

 

by the way..i agree with owl....you are broken

[troubadour]

 

I can tell you that I want to reconcile because I love my husband, I have loved him all my life.

 

 

 

But you clearly didn't love him enough not to cheat on him.

[katielee]

that was really good info Owl.

[homealone123]

Dear HA123--

 

I was impressed by the strength and clarity in your last post.

 

I have a profound personal belief in the possibility of redemption, becuase I have experienced it in my own life. I am an alcoholic, and when I was drinking, I forsook my career and my friendships and my duties to pursue the easy relief from inner pain and uncertainty I found in drinking. But I got sober, and with sobriety has come a new life more rich than I ever could have imagined in the days when I beleived with all my soul that I could not survive another day without a drink.

 

There are some analogies between addictions like alcohol and affairs. They are not the same but they "rhyme." And there are even stronger analogies between recovery from addiction and recovery from affairs.

 

I'd like to offer you some things I learned the hard way that may be of help to you.

 

The first is the idea of compartmentalization.

 

When we give ourselves permission to do that which is deeply wrong and harmful to ourselves and those around us, we do so by putting it into a compartment. We wall off that self and what it is doing off from the rest of us. We put all the bad, secret stuff in the bad self compartment, and we pretend that compartment doesn't exist when we are in our normal life. We pretend there is no connection between the two. And we focus on all the good things we do in our normal good life to reassure ourselves that we are a good person.

 

Part of the work in front of you is tearing down your compartments. This is hard work. You built them lovingly, brick by brick, and put a lot of energy into maintaining them. Even now, when you are under such terrible stress, you are going to turn to them for comfort. The line of thought is, "but I was a good mother, a good friend, a good business partner. All the good stuff has to outweigh the bad."

 

And you will also think to yourself, now I will just throw out the person in the bad compartment. She will go away, I will be again and only the person in the good compartment, and that is how I will change and be safe.

 

It is important that you start to work against this line of thinking.

 

The hard truth is there never were two compartments, two yous, a bad secret you and a healthy real you. There was only ever you. The hard work now is accepting that all of it, the bad as well as the good, was you. Your choices, your needs put first.

 

One of the biggest reasons that you have to fight with yourself to tear down this wall between the compartments is becuause that wall does not exist for your husband and your kids. They are going to be struggling to understand how you could "pretend," as they see it, when you were with them, to be someone you weren't really. They will not accept any answer that starts with "that was not the real me." They will want to understand how you could live with them while hiding so much, that would affect them so much when the truth came out.

 

The only way to answer them is after the compartment comes down. It won't come overnight. Your consellor will help you.

 

For the short run, I just want you to recognize that all those "but I did this, that, the third thing in my good self compartment" are ultimately not going to help. They will offer you a hit of short-term comfort, but they are not going to help you understand who you really are, or understand what you need to change about yourself.

 

The other point I want to raise for you to think about is empathy. I sometimes think all affairs are, at bottom, a catapstrophic failure of empathy.

 

When we are functioning as well-integrated people with a well-functioning emotional range, our sense of empathy is sharpest for those closest to us. A very clear statement of this is the old cliche, "cut him or her, I bleed." When you first bonded with your husband and I imagine for many years thereafter, this would have been and I am sure was true for you too. The thought of an affair would have been repulsive, because the very thought of it would have caused you to feel, like an advance echo, his pain, if you were to betray him. Imagining his pain would have caused you pain. Cut him, you bleed.

 

In an affair the first thing that happens, long before other boundaries are crossed, is that natural flux of empathy for your life partner gets attenuated. ... You still think of him being cut--that after all is why affairs are kept hidden--but you don't FEEL it. You think of him being cut (if he finds out that is, which you put a lot of effort into ensuring won't happen) but you don't bleed at the very thought. This is the first and greatest betrayal, of your true best self and of your partner. Its the self-betrayal from which the others flow.

 

In many cases that sense of empathy gets transferred to the affair partner. In some cases, and yours may be one, I think it gets transferred to yourself. You got to a place where she felt only your own pain over something your thought others had and you didn't and no longer had any empathy for anyone who would be hurt by acts you took to address that.

 

Rebuilding empathy, like tearing down compartments, doesn't happen overnight. It is hard to stay engaged with someone in terrible pain, when you caused it. You will want to retreat, either to close yourself off or to push your shame to the foreground to put the focus back on you and your feelings and needs. There is no quick road. But awareness can help. Be aware that, in a thousand subtle ways, you have been blunting your sense of empathy for your husband. Having it come back is like having pain when a dead or numb nerve comes to life.

 

Good luck. I hope you find something in this that is of help.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You asked a few posts ago if you were broken. Yes, I would say people like you and me are broken.

 

Thank you, this has resonated in my heart , this is without diminishing all the other helpful post, probably the most heart felted and helpful insight so far and I can't start to let you know how much it has helped me.

All what you say makes completely sense and I will re read your post and bring this topic tomorrow with my counselor.

 

Thank you !!!

[Furious]

I appreciate your advise and I like the less judgmental tone and the cold advise but please don't tell me that my counselor who has many years of treating this issues and who by the way was a BS himself before he started counseling is wrong and you are right. Further than that what I am saying is the truth, you can't compare 2 persons totally different in bed, if my husband ask me if I climax with OM by penetration I will say yes, I will not lie but if he ask me if OM was better...I will say no, just different and is the truth. OM gave me things that my husband could not give me (I ma sure he could if I guide him now) because we didn't know but my husband give me things when I make love with him that my OM never could, if you have make love with someone you love and with someone you don't you could see the difference. I am not lying when I say it is different, because it is different.

 

 

This post confirms you're not remorseful at all and you only want to hear what you want to hear.

 

Your thread is all about YOU, and it's obvious that for two years you lived a double life without guilt and now that you got caught you're crying how your life is over.

 

If you hadn't been caught your double life would have continued unless your OM eventually dumped you. Seriously, do you think your other man was only having sex with you, are you that naive.

 

It was just sex....really....why did you not ask for an open marriage...why did you lie day in day out for two years and now you're crying and trying to save a marriage you took the risk to lose in the first place.

 

If you really love your husband as you say, then let him go and give him the chance to find a new love. That's true remorse.

[homealone123]

This post confirms you're not remorseful at all and you only want to hear what you want to hear.

 

Your thread is all about YOU, and it's obvious that for two years you lived a double life without guilt and now that you got caught you're crying how your life is over.

 

If you hadn't been caught your double life would have continued unless your OM eventually dumped you. Seriously, do you think your other man was only having sex with you, are you that naive.

 

It was just sex....really....why did you not ask for an open marriage...why did you lie day in day out for two years and now you're crying and trying to save a marriage you took the risk to lose in the first place.

 

If you really love your husband as you say, then let him go and give him the chance to find a new love. That's true remorse.

 

Well...if you would have read all my posts you would know that I knew that the OM was actively having sex with many other woman ... that didn't worry me just one bit. And my OM could difficultly dump me because we didn't have a relationship... He could have stopped having sex with me if he didn't want to do it anymore ( I did exactly that with him for months at times... )but that is about all the power he had on me.

 

I guess you and I have different definitions for remorse... in my book letting off my husband and family without a fight is not one of them

 

Yes, I betrayed my husband in the worse way possible and he may decide not to reconcile. I am fully aware that there is a price to pay for what I have done and I am going to pay it either if it is because he will divorce me or by going through the pain of the reconciliation.

 

You know, I don't need you to feel my remorse, I don't know you, the one I need to feel my remorse, the person that I betrayed and hurt is my husband, not you. I don't owe you anything so if all what you have to offer is your judgment from your high moral stand, just go somewhere else.

 

Saying that I never felt guilt during my affair is cheap, you don't know how I felt... and yes, I felt guilt and dirty... why did I kept doing it ? I wish I knew the answer for that question... probably because I did compartmentalize my behavior and I lied to myself to justify what I was doing... I don't know...

[Furious]

 

Well...if you would have read all my posts you would know that I knew that the OM was actively having sex with many other woman ... that didn't worry me just one bit.

 

It didn't worry you one bit that the OM was having sex with many other women.

 

Did it occur to you that you could have contracted an StD and passed it on to your unknowing husband. Of course not...you didn't worry one bit about it.

 

You've painted yourself as remorseful but it's obvious you're far from it.

 

Before getting honest with your husband maybe you might just need to get honest with yourself.

[homealone123]

It didn't worry you one bit that the OM was having sex with many other women.

 

Did it occur to you that you could have contracted an StD and passed it on to your unknowing husband. Of course not...you didn't worry one bit about it.

 

You've painted yourself as remorseful but it's obvious you're far from it.

 

Before getting honest with your husband maybe you might just need to get honest with yourself.

 

Well since we used protection ...STD's were not a worry for me either. I am very inexperienced but I knew enough to be careful. I understand there is always a risk but as many of other things that I should have taken it consideration I didn't think much about it. Yes... I know that it was a horrible thing to do, I understand that I have hurt my husband, I understand that I put him at risk not only his health but his soul and his happiness, I was selfish and stupid.... I know! What can I do?

I can't undo what I did but I am not going to stop fighting for the ones I love....

 

you and many other posters wish that my husband will never take me back and maybe he won't but I will fight for him and my kids you like it or not... you probably have been hurt too and project your pain onto me... but sorry, I am not the person that hurt you and I don't owe you anything, the one that I need to ask forgiveness and the one I need to be remorseful is him... so I don't need to take your crap. If you think that being remorseful is taking everyone's crap you are very wrong and calling the wrong door girl.

 

I am sorry if I gave you the impression that your opinion about my remorse was important for me... I would like to get you out of your confusion... I am not here for you to measure how remorseful I am but to ask advise...if you have nothing positive to add I invite you to ignore my thread.

 

Thank you for nothing!

Edited December 8, 2016 by homealone123

[MJJean]

Please get tested regularly. Unfortunately, condoms DO NOT protect against HPV or HSV. Those are spread via skin to skin contact where the condom doesn't cover (think balls deep groin to groin, not to mention hands and mouths) and can be spread when the infected person is not having an outbreak. In fact, many infected people are unaware they are infected as they never have outbreaks, but are carriers.

[Jersey born raised]

Hi HA123

 

You mentioned you had a counselor a few posts back that was a BS. How long have you been using him for counseling?

[Furious]

Well since we used protection ...STD's were not a worry for me either. I am very inexperienced but I knew enough to be careful. I understand there is always a risk but as many of other things that I should have taken it consideration I didn't think much about it. Yes... I know that it was a horrible thing to do, I understand that I have hurt my husband, I understand that I put him at risk not only his health but his soul and his happiness, I was selfish and stupid.... I know! What can I do? I can't undo what I did but I am not going to stop fighting for the ones I love.... you and many other posters wish that my husband will never take me back... you probably have been hurt too and project your pain onto me... but sorry, I am not the person that hurt you and I don't owe you anything, the one that I need to ask forgiveness and the one I need to be remorseful is him... so I don't need to take your crap. If you think that being remorseful is taking everyone's crap you are very wrong and calling the wrong door girl.

 

I am sorry if I gave you the impression that your opinion about my remorse was important for me... I would like to get you out of your confusion... I am not here for you to measure how remorseful I am but to ask advise...if you have nothing positive to add I invite you to ignore my thread.

 

Thank you for nothing!

 

You've made assumptions and lash out and the irony is your are judgemental if it comes to not hearing what you want to hear. I understand it's not easy for you to hear people's opinions. If this is too difficult for you then you have your work cut out for you. Your husband will be even tougher on you and when he comes out of the shock faze and you'll think this thread is mild compared to it.

 

It's obvious you're looking for sympathy and hand holding. Reconciliation is tougher than what you get here, then maybe you're just ready for the the next 2-5 years you'll be going through if your husband gives you a second chance. Even then there are no guarantees.

 

Good luck

[dragon_fly_7]

homealone123, I'm afraid you're really in a very tough position. The reason some people might sound straight forward with your infidelity case is because you apparently had a good, ideal marriage minus the sexual compatibility part (if that was me, I would feel like the most luckiest woman on the planet ever) and a man that didn't bail out at that early age.

 

Do you know how many HS guys actually get their gfs pregnant and bail out right away? One of my female friends have two kids. Sadly her first child who is now 10 will never get to meet his father. He broke it off shortly after she got pregnant at age 16 and was never been in the picture since. It must be horrible being one of those single mothers having to explain to your oldest kid where his father is and what he looked like and then having another kid and living with another man. You got lucky to have a great man that instead of running away, took full responsability to even marry you and work hard to provide for both you and your kids, to sacrifice it all and not be a coward like many young guys are nowadays. That right there is indeed a true treasure.

 

Many people might not be able to understand how you trade all that for nothing in return. That's like trading a one of a kind diamond, that took you years to dig on endless mines (worth a lot of fortune) to a worthless coal.

 

I hope your husband is able to come to terms with you and give you the chance you're seeking through but if he does, he own him forever. I also hope your relationship with your sons recover eventually. All I know is if your husband takes you back, there will be many questions you will have to answer and he will probably ask for endless years. Be prepared!

Edited December 8, 2016 by dragon_fly_7

[aliveagain]

homealone123 I apologize if I come across as being very direct, I am that way in business and I can't help it when my business world carries over into my personal life. I think being born in Italy(old world values) then being raised in North America(new world values) really causes confusion with one's value system. As a betrayed spouse I can tell you that no matter what your first language is the pain is the same world wide. We always tell the betrayed spouse(BS) that actions and not words are to be believed. The reason for this is simple, no hidden affair can exist without deception and lies. He knows that you have been lying to him for several years, why should he believe you now? Your biggest lie to him is your promise of your vows, your words that bonded you to him and him to you. The marriage certificate that is registered in the church and city hall is only a public record of the event. I can tell you personally what went through my mind on discovery of infidelity, if she can lie about her word sworn in a church in front of both our families and all the friends who love us, how the hell can I ever trust her again, how can I believe her word?

 

This is why I have suggest you offer your husband a postnuptial agreement giving him most of the marriage assets if you divorce because of a new infidelity. You need to find a way to make him feel safe with you because he already has proof that you lie, cheat and can't be trusted around men when he is not there. If you can not find a way to make him feel safe your relationship is doomed to fail. Offering him a postnuptial agreement is an action with a huge financial consequence, this is something he can believe because it will be prepared by a lawyer and defended by the courts of law in your country. If you want to start regaining his trust this is a very good first step. After all, who wants to be married to someone that needs to be constantly monitored and supervised, he's not your father, he's your husband. A husband should never be put in a position to have to compete with another man for his own wife. Remember too, in your husbands mind you and other man were having porn star sex, his manhood has taken a serious hit from the only person he totally trusted and one time, 17 times, 200 times, to him one time is too many. Make everything about him and his healing regardless of how much it hurts you because he is in some very serious pain(almost terminal pain). He will tell you what he wants and if you want the relationship and he makes you the gift of reconciliation, give him everything he asks for.

 

I just saw your STD post. Girl you can get an STD from simple figure insertion, the transfer of saliva and any bodily fluid transfer just so you are clear on how STD's are transfered.

Edited December 8, 2016 by aliveagain

[Whatnotagain]

You need figure out which people in your life are friends to your marriage and those that are not. For example, friends to the marriage would be anyone who was against what you were doing with the OM and spoke out against it (if they happened to know). The person that spotted you and told your husband is a friend to your marriage. An enemy to your marriage is someone who knew what you were doing and either said nothing and turned a blind eye to your actions, or encouraged what you were doing with the OM. An enemy to your marriage is also someone who has now or in the past made disparaging remarks about your husband or your marriage. I have this sense that are people who knew about this and said nothing. The gym, coffee shop, his house, there were people that knew what was going on. This includes family members, those who have been both supportive and those who have not. Bring the ones close that are friends and cutoff the ones who are not.

[Bittersweetie]

HA, I was a fWW and think Owl's post on the last page was a really good place to start. D-day was almost seven years ago now for us. My H and I are reconciled and doing well. But it was a long, hard road. I had to face, accept, and work through a lot of negative, hurtful stuff. I had to be vulnerable in a way I'd never had...to my H, and to myself.

 

When I first came to this site, I was a WW too. Things were not nearly as moderated as now, so there was a lot of negative stuff. I found that the posts that pissed me off the most were the ones touching a nerve of something that I needed to address. So after I stewed about it, then I'd think about why it made me upset. Which usually led to a realization. That said, you can always ignore posters too.

 

Here is my thread about my experience...it's a few years old now but may help:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/421926-my-story-fww

 

Good luck.

[Mr. Lucky]

you and many other posters wish that my husband will never take me back and maybe he won't but I will fight for him and my kids you like it or not...

 

I wonder if it has occurred to you that it would be an act of kindness to let him go?

 

When I think about what he's going to go through over the next several years it makes my brain hurt. And this is with very little chance of success and no guarantee you won't do the same thing again since you have zero clarity as to why you did this.

 

Why not divorce him, work on co-parenting and address your issues in IC?

 

Mr. Lucky

[BetrayedH]

For what it's worth, offering up a revenge affair is a really bad idea on more levels than you can possibly know. Just to list one short-term challenge: your willingness to let him do so communicates that you don't value your monogamous relationship with him. While you may intend for it to be a sacrifice on your part, it will instead send the unintended message that you're willing to toss away what he had considered sacred.

 

Unfortunately, a RA (revenge affair) fails to even the score and makes reconciliation exponentially more difficult. Many of us here have taken that route and I doubt any of us would recommend it.

[Buckeye2]

I had become friends with the Capoeira instructor, before I knew it we were having sex.

 

used to take a coffee with OM after the class every Tuesday and Thursday... we evolved from just a coffee to have sex at his place (very close to the gym)

 

OM is divorced and has no relationship

 

it really was only sex, I am not attracted to OM at any other level than the physical one.

 

I show him the no contact email I sent to the OM and the email cancelling my gym subscription.

 

If you would have read all my posts you would know that I knew that the OM was actively having sex with many other women.

 

It sounds as if the OM has a stud service going on. Are his other women also married? Are they also his students that pay him? Do the husbands know that they are paying a guy that is also having sex with their wife? Does the OM own the gym or is he an employee?

 

If you care nothing about the OM expose him before he destroys other marriages.