I cheated, now my life is destroyed. (long )

[gingandowithlife]

First you need to take a break right now from panicking... Yes your life is changing every second right now - But stop and think....

You did what you did and your husband knows. It is what it is..

 

Put yourself in his place, pretend it was him doing the cheating... What would you want to hear, see, feel?

 

I have been on your shoes, I have been the Capoeira stundent falling for the instructor..I know how much there is to lose, but the energy is addictive... And you do stupid things for the moment... And I totally understand how you had no feelings at all for the OM .. But that is not important to your husband or kids.... They will never understand - So let's take a break and start thinking on what you need to do to get yourself balanced and emotionally stable first.

 

You will get nowhere if you are crying and fainting - That is not what your kids need to have as a memory of this terrible time -

 

Yes your life has changed - Now let's go with the flow of what needs to happen to turn this tragedy into a lesson that will point you to the next better place..

 

No more crying, no one understands... Trust me.

[aliveagain]

HA, I was a fWW and think Owl's post on the last page was a really good place to start. D-day was almost seven years ago now for us. My H and I are reconciled and doing well. But it was a long, hard road. I had to face, accept, and work through a lot of negative, hurtful stuff. I had to be vulnerable in a way I'd never had...to my H, and to myself.

 

When I first came to this site, I was a WW too. Things were not nearly as moderated as now, so there was a lot of negative stuff. I found that the posts that pissed me off the most were the ones touching a nerve of something that I needed to address. So after I stewed about it, then I'd think about why it made me upset. Which usually led to a realization. That said, you can always ignore posters too.

 

Here is my thread about my experience...it's a few years old now but may help:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/421926-my-story-fww

 

Good luck.

 

Good to know that you guys have made it.

[DKT3]

One last post from me then I'm done here. Many of us have been at this for a long time, we know what a remorseful spouse looks like and you're not one RIGHT NOW. What you are is ashamed and hurt but only that you've been caught. But honestly that's pretty normal at this point.

 

I simply don't believe your being totally honest, and you are really looking for a way to minimize your actions. It's only sex....well first of all for most husbands sex is the worst part. Secondly how on does that change anything? How does that make it better? Somewhere in your mind it seems to lessen your guilt and responsibilities for the betrayal, if not you wouldn't continue to point it out in almost every post.

 

You think that people wants your husband to dump you? Maybe you're right. Why? Because we've all seen this play. Your emotional attachment is much deeper then your allowing yourself to believe. Why? It's how you justified what you were doing.

 

Your not there yet, your in no position to fight for your husband or marriage. You think you are, I believe that, but you're not even close. Your not allowing yourself to truly see the gravity of the situation.

 

We're your affair truly only about sex and the fact that you were inexperienced it's more likely there would have been more men, you basically started a secondary relationship. I'm not buying the sex 17 times when you stated you would met up Tuesdays and Thursdays for coffee and sex. I'm not buying the no communication thing other then telling him you wouldn't show. It's all very disingenuous and extremely hard to believe.

 

Hopefully for your husbands sake you will stop trying to minimize this thing, get honest with yourself. I personally just don't see it, but lucky for you, you don't have to prove anything to those of us that has seen the play......Good luck to you

[homealone123]

It sounds as if the OM has a stud service going on. Are his other women also married? Are they also his students that pay him? Do the husbands know that they are paying a guy that is also having sex with their wife? Does the OM own the gym or is he an employee?

 

If you care nothing about the OM expose him before he destroys other marriages.

 

The other two other women I know he slept with often (also members of the gym) were single, I know he had sex with other women as well but I have no idea who they were.

Here where I live there is no laws against a instructor having sex with a customer, if my husband finds it appropriated I will inform the owner of the gym but I doubt it will have any consequences fro the OM

 

You've made assumptions and lash out and the irony is your are judgemental if it comes to not hearing what you want to hear. I understand it's not easy for you to hear people's opinions. If this is too difficult for you then you have your work cut out for you. Your husband will be even tougher on you and when he comes out of the shock faze and you'll think this thread is mild compared to it.

 

It's obvious you're looking for sympathy and hand holding. Reconciliation is tougher than what you get here, then maybe you're just ready for the the next 2-5 years you'll be going through if your husband gives you a second chance. Even then there are no guarantees.

 

Good luck

 

I am not looking for sympathy, I am looking for advise, you can give advise without being cynical and offensive, my husband has all the right to lash out to me and when he does I will take it because it is what I have created and I deserve it. But you have no reason nor right to offend me and is sad that hiding behind a stupid excuse (you need to be prepared for what your husband is going to say or do) you get off by putting a complete stranger down. Kuddos to you!!

 

You need figure out which people in your life are friends to your marriage and those that are not. For example, friends to the marriage would be anyone who was against what you were doing with the OM and spoke out against it (if they happened to know). The person that spotted you and told your husband is a friend to your marriage. An enemy to your marriage is someone who knew what you were doing and either said nothing and turned a blind eye to your actions, or encouraged what you were doing with the OM. An enemy to your marriage is also someone who has now or in the past made disparaging remarks about your husband or your marriage. I have this sense that are people who knew about this and said nothing. The gym, coffee shop, his house, there were people that knew what was going on. This includes family members, those who have been both supportive and those who have not. Bring the ones close that are friends and cutoff the ones who are not.

 

There is no one close to me that knew about my affair, I tried to keep it as secret as possible.

 

For what it's worth, offering up a revenge affair is a really bad idea on more levels than you can possibly know. Just to list one short-term challenge: your willingness to let him do so communicates that you don't value your monogamous relationship with him. While you may intend for it to be a sacrifice on your part, it will instead send the unintended message that you're willing to toss away what he had considered sacred.

 

Unfortunately, a RA (revenge affair) fails to even the score and makes reconciliation exponentially more difficult. Many of us here have taken that route and I doubt any of us would recommend it.

 

Noted! Thank you! I didn't think about this angle. I don't at any point want to open my marriage I was considering the option just to try to even the field but you are right, I will always be the first one that strayed and the one who did it in the dark.

[Owl6118]

Thank you !!!

 

You are welcome. I was helped at my worst times by people who have made terrible decisions, done terrible things, but who have done the work to become better. They are some of the most compassionate and firm people I know and I turn to them for guidance now.

 

Remember, though, what redemption really is. It is a second chance to be a person of character in the world going forward, a person who is humbled by their mistakes, has empathy, and tries to help others. Redemption does not mean we are forgiven by those we hurt, though that often happens. When it does it is a grace, not anything we earned or were entitled to.

 

Redemption also does not mean people's relationships with us are the same, even if they forgive us. Some things can't be mended. The relationships may continue or they may not, with or without forgiveness. But if they do continue they will surely be different.

 

Redemption just means we find a way to become people of worth, people of integrity and safety, to those who trust us going forward, and we become people who use our knowledge of our own flaws to be patient and compassionate to others in theirs.

[Cephalopod]

I agree with BetrayedH about offering a hall pass for your husband to sleep around.

 

First off, it will not "level the field". Revenge affairs never do. All it will do is drag your husband down and force him to betray his principles. You love the fact that he is an upstanding man with principles do you not? Why would you want to strip from him one of the things you admire about him?

 

Secondly, it will not make you or him feel better. It will not make him feel more like a man. Only the woman who tore his masculinity from him can give it back. This is where any R is going to be very tough. By asking him to do things the OM did, you would be holding him to an impossible standard that will further humiliate him. So if you two do reconcile, you will have to come up with a whole new sexual language that is only for the two of you.

 

Three, revenge affairs (any affair for that matter) bring with them a whole set of unknown variables into the marriage. Say your husband did find a woman to have sex with. How do you know your jealousy would not get the better of you? How do you know this woman would not be some obsessive "bunny boiler" who will latch onto your husband and stalk him and you and threaten your family?

 

No, don't even go there. If he needs to sleep with other women, he needs to divorce you first and do it correctly.

[homealone123]

Please get tested regularly. Unfortunately, condoms DO NOT protect against HPV or HSV. Those are spread via skin to skin contact where the condom doesn't cover (think balls deep groin to groin, not to mention hands and mouths) and can be spread when the infected person is not having an outbreak. In fact, many infected people are unaware they are infected as they never have outbreaks, but are carriers.

 

Thank you, I didn't know that. I will make an appointment and get tested. I will try to have this done as soon as possible

 

Hi HA123

 

You mentioned you had a counselor a few posts back that was a BS. How long have you been using him for counseling?

 

I have been now in 2 sessions. I have made a daily appointment for this week and I will have 1 a week from there.

 

I wonder if it has occurred to you that it would be an act of kindness to let him go?

 

When I think about what he's going to go through over the next several years it makes my brain hurt. And this is with very little chance of success and no guarantee you won't do the same thing again since you have zero clarity as to why you did this.

 

Why not divorce him, work on co-parenting and address your issues in IC?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

If you don't mind I will let my husband decide what he thinks is best for him. You and some other posters have decided that what is best for him is to leave me but he is an adult and pretty intelligent, I am sure he will know what is best for him. If he decides to divorce me I won't fight him but while he has not decided yet I will try to convince him that I am worth a second try.

Don't project your deal breakers and values to others. My husband may decide that what we have lived still weights more than what I have done to destroy our marriage. It is up to him, he has the power.

 

One last post from me then I'm done here. Many of us have been at this for a long time, we know what a remorseful spouse looks like and you're not one RIGHT NOW. What you are is ashamed and hurt but only that you've been caught. But honestly that's pretty normal at this point.

 

I simply don't believe your being totally honest, and you are really looking for a way to minimize your actions. It's only sex....well first of all for most husbands sex is the worst part. Secondly how on does that change anything? How does that make it better? Somewhere in your mind it seems to lessen your guilt and responsibilities for the betrayal, if not you wouldn't continue to point it out in almost every post.

 

You think that people wants your husband to dump you? Maybe you're right. Why? Because we've all seen this play. Your emotional attachment is much deeper then your allowing yourself to believe. Why? It's how you justified what you were doing.

 

Your not there yet, your in no position to fight for your husband or marriage. You think you are, I believe that, but you're not even close. Your not allowing yourself to truly see the gravity of the situation.

 

We're your affair truly only about sex and the fact that you were inexperienced it's more likely there would have been more men, you basically started a secondary relationship. I'm not buying the sex 17 times when you stated you would met up Tuesdays and Thursdays for coffee and sex. I'm not buying the no communication thing other then telling him you wouldn't show. It's all very disingenuous and extremely hard to believe.

 

Hopefully for your husbands sake you will stop trying to minimize this thing, get honest with yourself. I personally just don't see it, but lucky for you, you don't have to prove anything to those of us that has seen the play......Good luck to you

 

I didn't come to a places where no one knows me to minimise what I have done or to lie about how many times I slept with the OM. I said that I used to go to the gym 2 or 3 times a week not that I slept with him every time that I went to the gym that maths are simplistic and not the actual reality.

 

But you can believe what you want... that is up to you and won't change the facts to be what they are...

 

[]

Edited December 9, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
redacted rude and off topic content ~6

[homealone123]

HA, I was a fWW and think Owl's post on the last page was a really good place to start. D-day was almost seven years ago now for us. My H and I are reconciled and doing well. But it was a long, hard road. I had to face, accept, and work through a lot of negative, hurtful stuff. I had to be vulnerable in a way I'd never had...to my H, and to myself.

 

When I first came to this site, I was a WW too. Things were not nearly as moderated as now, so there was a lot of negative stuff. I found that the posts that pissed me off the most were the ones touching a nerve of something that I needed to address. So after I stewed about it, then I'd think about why it made me upset. Which usually led to a realization. That said, you can always ignore posters too.

 

Here is my thread about my experience...it's a few years old now but may help:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/421926-my-story-fww

 

Good luck.

 

Thank you, I will read your story carefully. It is very important for me to see what steps you took and how you faced the difficult moments.

 

Thank you!

 

First you need to take a break right now from panicking... Yes your life is changing every second right now - But stop and think....

You did what you did and your husband knows. It is what it is..

 

Put yourself in his place, pretend it was him doing the cheating... What would you want to hear, see, feel?

 

I have been on your shoes, I have been the Capoeira stundent falling for the instructor..I know how much there is to lose, but the energy is addictive... And you do stupid things for the moment... And I totally understand how you had no feelings at all for the OM .. But that is not important to your husband or kids.... They will never understand - So let's take a break and start thinking on what you need to do to get yourself balanced and emotionally stable first.

 

You will get nowhere if you are crying and fainting - That is not what your kids need to have as a memory of this terrible time -

 

Yes your life has changed - Now let's go with the flow of what needs to happen to turn this tragedy into a lesson that will point you to the next better place..

 

No more crying, no one understands... Trust me.

 

Thank you! It is very nice to see that there are people who understand me, don't get me wrong, I know that what I have done is terrible... I have it very difficult to forgive myself and I still don't know if my three men will ever forgive me.

 

I have always been a very strong woman, I had to be but now I feel teared apart...my parents of course love me but they are also very angry at me and I feel so alone!.. I pass most of the day in my room behind the computer because I don't want to see the way my parents look at me... :(

[katielee]

HA - did you have some sort of abuse or trauma in your childhood? I am wondering this because it is odd that you went back to the OM for months when you knew he was doing other women as well, in addition to sabotaging your own life with your family. Do you know why you thought so lowly of yourself? I am asking because these are questions I had to ask myself.

[frigginlost]

Hello OP,

 

I've popped in a few times and made a statement or two, but I have kept pretty close tabs on this thread as it resonates with me.

 

Firstly, I really do think that you are incredibly remorseful for what you have done. My ex was the exact same way. Incredibly remorseful. Even when I was so, so, very hurt and angry, I still felt something for her. Your husband is human and he is going to feel the same way. I can't tell you enough times that you have absolutely no idea what is headed your way. He is going to go through absolute hell over the next several months (maybe years) trying to rebuild himself. I know right now you will do anything to save your marriage, and I truly believe you believe that. But, you need to really ask yourself are you prepared for the next several months/years to continue to fight for it? This journey is not a easy or short one. Many, many, many, years of trust have been completely destroyed. It is very hard to rebuild that.

 

Secondly, thanks for continuing to update this thread. It shows you do have some character and fight in you. Your seeing a therapist is commendable, although I do disagree with his advice in covering the truth with the "love" excuse on sex comparison. If my ex fed me that line, I would have told her to take an f'ing hike. But, to each there own...

 

Stay strong as best you can and continue to learn. There is a possibility that you may end up back together but if it's soon it's going to be based on "jumping before seeing how deep the pool is". The really, really, hard work is months from now. Keep that in mind.

[Mrin]

OP: I have been sort of lurking this thread and just wanted to mention one thing you might want to consider.

 

You said in a couple of posts back - and throughout this thread - something to the effect of "I have never once questioned for a second that my H is the love of my life". I'm not going to debate you as to whether that is actually true or not because honestly, you're the only one who knows.

 

I just want to warn you against every saying (or saying that again) to your H. Here's why: to him that sort of statement will always be a lie and will call into question the veracity every other thing you might say to him. In his mind he will instinctively think "if you always thought I was the love of your life how could you sleep with him for two years you cold hearted, selfish, lying, [expletive], [expletive], [expletive]...."

 

I know you want to say it. Just don't. It will actually harm your R efforts in the long run.

[kgcolonel]

HA....this almost sounds like an addiction....while you didn't love the OM, you did love / crave the sex....that being said, if it is accurate, I think this is an angle that you begin to design your recovery and treat it as a recovery for you....as opposed to "stopping to save your M". Work hard to "show" your H how remorseful you are, i get you in that you may sound (here at least) to have a "take it or leave it, i cant help what he believes or choses to do" were it me, I'd take that tone as "so what, get over it. I would respond much better to: I really F'd up..I own it and am deeply sorry for the pain and anguish I have cause. My only hope is that you will give me the chance (hopefully as your loving wife) if not married but as a co-parent to show you my remorse over the coarse of the rest of my life that I realize how i have betrayed not only you but our family. This by words and actions would be what i would need to hear over and over again. I would also want to know what void was there that allowed you to take that step as well as to see your actions as to what you were doing to become a person of your word.

 

While cheating is a trigger of mine, i am really trying to be non-judgemental but to give you some constructive advice from a married male perspective.

[Cephalopod]

My ex-wife, a few years after our split, once confided to me that the one reason she kept having affairs until I caught her was that she was addicted to the illicitness of it. It wasn't that we had a bad sex life. The sex we had was actually quite good and satisfying and even quite kinky and rough at times. She even admitted to me that it had nothing to do with any lack of skill on my part.

 

What she was addicted to was the sneaking around, the intrigue, the risk... She admitted she got off as much by the riskiness of what she was doing as anything else, and that the threat of getting caught actually made the sex hotter.

 

I don't know if that is the way it was for you, but it is something to think about. Maybe the OM represented a wild side of your spirit that you were afraid to tap into with your husband.

[Jump Through Loops]

HA....this almost sounds like an addiction....while you didn't love the OM, you did love / crave the sex....that being said, if it is accurate, I think this is an angle that you begin to design your recovery and treat it as a recovery for you....as opposed to "stopping to save your M". Work hard to "show" your H how remorseful you are, i get you in that you may sound (here at least) to have a "take it or leave it, i cant help what he believes or choses to do" were it me, I'd take that tone as "so what, get over it. I would respond much better to: I really F'd up..I own it and am deeply sorry for the pain and anguish I have cause. My only hope is that you will give me the chance (hopefully as your loving wife) if not married but as a co-parent to show you my remorse over the coarse of the rest of my life that I realize how i have betrayed not only you but our family. This by words and actions would be what i would need to hear over and over again. I would also want to know what void was there that allowed you to take that step as well as to see your actions as to what you were doing to become a person of your word.

 

While cheating is a trigger of mine, i am really trying to be non-judgemental but to give you some constructive advice from a married male perspective.

 

17 times in two years is hardly an addiction. Unless the OM wasn't the only OM...

[homealone123]

HA - did you have some sort of abuse or trauma in your childhood? I am wondering this because it is odd that you went back to the OM for months when you knew he was doing other women as well, in addition to sabotaging your own life with your family. Do you know why you thought so lowly of yourself? I am asking because these are questions I had to ask myself.

 

No, I have never been abused, I don't have any excuse for what I have done. My biggest mistake was that I kept going to the same gym thinking that I was strong and I could just forget what I had done and lust got the best of me. The OM was very convincing and I have been honest before he was very good with sex.

 

Hello OP,

 

I've popped in a few times and made a statement or two, but I have kept pretty close tabs on this thread as it resonates with me.

 

Firstly, I really do think that you are incredibly remorseful for what you have done. My ex was the exact same way. Incredibly remorseful. Even when I was so, so, very hurt and angry, I still felt something for her. Your husband is human and he is going to feel the same way. I can't tell you enough times that you have absolutely no idea what is headed your way. He is going to go through absolute hell over the next several months (maybe years) trying to rebuild himself. I know right now you will do anything to save your marriage, and I truly believe you believe that. But, you need to really ask yourself are you prepared for the next several months/years to continue to fight for it? This journey is not a easy or short one. Many, many, many, years of trust have been completely destroyed. It is very hard to rebuild that.

 

Secondly, thanks for continuing to update this thread. It shows you do have some character and fight in you. Your seeing a therapist is commendable, although I do disagree with his advice in covering the truth with the "love" excuse on sex comparison. If my ex fed me that line, I would have told her to take an f'ing hike. But, to each there own...

 

Stay strong as best you can and continue to learn. There is a possibility that you may end up back together but if it's soon it's going to be based on "jumping before seeing how deep the pool is". The really, really, hard work is months from now. Keep that in mind.

 

Thank you. I am ready to fight for my husband and my family. I don't know if I will be given that chance but if he does give me a second opportunity I will take the fight because I know is worth it. I know reconciliation is not easy, I know I will have to scarify many things to give my husband the security that he needs but I am open to do anything he needs.

 

OP: I have been sort of lurking this thread and just wanted to mention one thing you might want to consider.

 

You said in a couple of posts back - and throughout this thread - something to the effect of "I have never once questioned for a second that my H is the love of my life". I'm not going to debate you as to whether that is actually true or not because honestly, you're the only one who knows.

 

I just want to warn you against every saying (or saying that again) to your H. Here's why: to him that sort of statement will always be a lie and will call into question the veracity every other thing you might say to him. In his mind he will instinctively think "if you always thought I was the love of your life how could you sleep with him for two years you cold hearted, selfish, lying, [expletive], [expletive], [expletive]...."

 

I know you want to say it. Just don't. It will actually harm your R efforts in the long run.

 

That is an interesting information. How should I address this issue because he is and always has been the love of my life. How can I bring this message to him? If you have any suggestion I will be very thankful!

 

HA....this almost sounds like an addiction....while you didn't love the OM, you did love / crave the sex....that being said, if it is accurate, I think this is an angle that you begin to design your recovery and treat it as a recovery for you....as opposed to "stopping to save your M". Work hard to "show" your H how remorseful you are, i get you in that you may sound (here at least) to have a "take it or leave it, i cant help what he believes or choses to do" were it me, I'd take that tone as "so what, get over it. I would respond much better to: I really F'd up..I own it and am deeply sorry for the pain and anguish I have cause. My only hope is that you will give me the chance (hopefully as your loving wife) if not married but as a co-parent to show you my remorse over the coarse of the rest of my life that I realize how i have betrayed not only you but our family. This by words and actions would be what i would need to hear over and over again. I would also want to know what void was there that allowed you to take that step as well as to see your actions as to what you were doing to become a person of your word.

 

While cheating is a trigger of mine, i am really trying to be non-judgemental but to give you some constructive advice from a married male perspective.

 

I think you and owl nailed it! It was an addiction... I responded to my body like a teenager when the OM was around... is something I could not explain but when I saw him moving like a panther I got like smitten and while more often than not I could just go home and live with it some days I gave up to the lust. It is something that I need to analyse and I don't have a good answer for your question, I hope with therapy I will be able to short what exactly happen with me and why I did what I did.

 

Thank you very much for being civic and correct even when my situation is a trigger for you. Thanks!

[Cephalopod]

Have you ever been physically attracted to your husband?

 

Is your husband no longer attractive? Has he let himself go physically?

 

Reason I ask is because you admit to being very attracted and lustful towards the OM. Were you ever that way with your husband?

[kgcolonel]

17 times in two years is hardly an addiction. Unless the OM wasn't the only OM...

 

I disagree here, an alcoholic can be an alcoholic if they simply can't limit, or refuse a drink when the opportunity presents itself....an addiction is an addiction regardless of the quantity of times or amounts...it is the inability to say no or stay within a reasonable limit (alcohol related) that defines an addiction. I have heard it said that if you think you may have a problem with alcohol, go into a bar and have 1 or 2 drinks and leave. If you have a hard time leaving after only one or two, you have a problem....she sounds as though when she was presented an "opportunity" she struggled with saying no" knowing that it was wrong it was the "thrill", "Org" that she was seeking, not a relationship with the OM....

 

We all are entitled to our thoughts here but this is how i see it.

[homealone123]

Have you ever been physically attracted to your husband?

 

Is your husband no longer attractive? Has he let himself go physically?

 

Reason I ask is because you admit to being very attracted and lustful towards the OM. Were you ever that way with your husband?

 

My husband is a very handsome man and I am very attracted and lustful towards him... we never stopped having sex and I think I will never had enough of him.

 

That was not the problem I think the fact that I had never been with another man but my husband and the novelty was long gone played a big role here and then the OM is a special kind of man,I think OM had something magnetic, it was not only me, you could see every women in the gym looking at every single movement he made, I couldn't explain you...

[Jump Through Loops]

I disagree here, an alcoholic can be an alcoholic if they simply can't limit, or refuse a drink when the opportunity presents itself....an addiction is an addiction regardless of the quantity of times or amounts...it is the inability to say no or stay within a reasonable limit (alcohol related) that defines an addiction. I have heard it said that if you think you may have a problem with alcohol, go into a bar and have 1 or 2 drinks and leave. If you have a hard time leaving after only one or two, you have a problem....she sounds as though when she was presented an "opportunity" she struggled with saying no" knowing that it was wrong it was the "thrill", "Org" that she was seeking, not a relationship with the OM....

 

We all are entitled to our thoughts here but this is how i see it.

 

Indeed.

Thank you for blasting my comment out of the water.

[Owl6118]

That is an interesting information. How should I address this issue because he is and always has been the love of my life. How can I bring this message to him? If you have any suggestion I will be very thankful!

 

You can't. And this is one of those cases where you have a lot of soul searching to do. Everything inside you is screaming this is true. But it really isn't. No matter how hard you feel it. Your feelings are lies.

 

Here's what's true. People don't treat people they love with a healthy, empathetic love the way you have treated your husband. Or if they do, then the love of such a person isn't worth much because it carries with it none of the real hard stuff--loyalty, integrity, honesty, faithfulness, truthfulness.

 

In short, your feelings on this point "feel" true to you, but they will never be true to your husband. And I think his feelings are closer to objective reality than yours are.

 

So what can you say that IS honest and IS true?

 

You say you loved him before. You say you feel you love him now. And you can say you will try with everything in you to understand how you could have been so unloving in between. You will try to understand why you were able to take objectively unloving actions and choices and still deceive yourself that you felt and were--in actions and choices-- loving.

 

This is one of many, many cases where you are simply going to learn your feelings are lying to you, because they are still the feelings of a badly compartmented person. You are only acknowledging feelings that "good girl" you is allowed to feel in the "good girl" compartment, while ignoring all the toxic sludge on the other side of the wall and pretending it has nothing to do with real you.

[Cephalopod]

My husband is a very handsome man and I am very attracted and lustful towards him... we never stopped having sex and I think I will never had enough of him.

 

That was not the problem I think the fact that I had never been with another man but my husband and the novelty was long gone played a big role here and then the OM is a special kind of man,I think OM had something magnetic, it was not only me, you could see every women in the gym looking at every single movement he made, I couldn't explain you...

 

Were you friends with these other women he was having sex with? Was it a kind of competition?

[MidnightBlue1980]

Did you BH then want you to do those things you gave the OM after D day?

 

 

So what was the outcome?

 

I feel awkward typing this out here, but yes, I'm obviously talking about oral sex and I do it a few times a day now. Once he understood how his porn habit and berating negatively impacted self esteem and my wanting to do it, he basically cut it out.

 

However, I am still unable to "complete the act", I was only able to that with xmm. It bothers me more than it bothers my husband. He said he has never been able to finish that way, not even once, so he doesn't really know why he can't or what he is missing. Still, I want to be able to do it. I don't like the fact that I share that with xmm only. In any event, my husband seems pretty happy sexually, our sex life went from 2x a month to daily. He is very affectionate, spends time with me, and the porn has gone away.

[Jump Through Loops]

That was not the problem I think the fact that I had never been with another man but my husband and the novelty was long gone played a big role here and then the OM is a special kind of man,I think OM had something magnetic, it was not only me, you could see every women in the gym looking at every single movement he made, I couldn't explain you...

 

Would you say that the fact that you had never been with another man is/was a regret that you had held for sometime, and if so, was your H aware of this?

[MidnightBlue1980]

<<About telling all the truth to my husband, I am completely open to be truthful with him but I am not open to go into comparisons. If I am asked my answer will be that you can't compare because I love my husband and what we share when we make love is completely different than what I did with OM. This has been consulted with my counselor and he thinks exactly the same way I do.>>

 

From my own experiences, I would not necessarily reveal unnecessary details which will haunt your husband for the rest of his life but you will have to answer the questions best you can. You can't say psycho babble. You need to be direct and answer. If you liked the way OM tasted or something very personal, I would take that to the grave but you are going to have to answer questions about kissing, p*nis size, orgasms, swallowing, where when and how, etc. In your situation I think you need to be honest about the orgasm thing because it is a focal point in your affair. It will need to be addressed or else you will definitely be unsatisfied again and that is not fair to you or your husband.

[HeCantBreakMe]

Homealone,

 

You have a very long road ahead of you but I think you are doing all of the right things, right now.

 

This isn't easy and every day will present a new challenge. I can't give you much advice as I am fighting my own demons as a WW. My affair was a year and unfortunately I did fall in love with the OM which has been a mountain for me to climb in R with my husband.

 

I do agree with other posters that say get back into your house. You have to give your husband the space he asks for but you also need to be there as a mom for your boys. It would appear to be a very tight rope you are walking but just be compassionate and loving. If you truly do love your husband then show it even when he is angry and hurting and yelling. Do NOT however let him be verbally abusive this is not good for anyone, but especially your boys.

 

Also, if he asks the questions then answer them honestly. You can always remind him that when he asks something and hears it he cannot unhear it but let him know you will be honest.

 

I would also sit down and talk to your parents and apologize but let them know you really need their support and love right now. Yes you F** up but you still need some support.

 

I am pushing for you and following your story.