I cheated, now my life is destroyed. (long )

[homealone123]

You can't. And this is one of those cases where you have a lot of soul searching to do. Everything inside you is screaming this is true. But it really isn't. No matter how hard you feel it. Your feelings are lies.

 

Here's what's true. People don't treat people they love with a healthy, empathetic love the way you have treated your husband. Or if they do, then the love of such a person isn't worth much because it carries with it none of the real hard stuff--loyalty, integrity, honesty, faithfulness, truthfulness.

 

In short, your feelings on this point "feel" true to you, but they will never be true to your husband. And I think his feelings are closer to objective reality than yours are.

 

So what can you say that IS honest and IS true?

 

You say you loved him before. You say you feel you love him now. And you can say you will try with everything in you to understand how you could have been so unloving in between. You will try to understand why you were able to take objectively unloving actions and choices and still deceive yourself that you felt and were--in actions and choices-- loving.

 

This is one of many, many cases where you are simply going to learn your feelings are lying to you, because they are still the feelings of a badly compartmented person. You are only acknowledging feelings that "good girl" you is allowed to feel in the "good girl" compartment, while ignoring all the toxic sludge on the other side of the wall and pretending it has nothing to do with real you.

 

I am sorry but I don't agree, you can hurt people you love, you can love someone and chose to be selfish, put yourself before the well being of that person you love. Would you say I don't love my kids either? Because I hurt them too...

One thing is to love someone and other thing is being loving with that person. I was not being loving with my husband when I cheated but I have not one doubt that I never stopped to love him.

 

Were you friends with these other women he was having sex with? Was it a kind of competition?

 

Nope, I barely know them from the gym, they are also much younger than I am.

 

Would you say that the fact that you had never been with another man is/was a regret that you had held for sometime, and if so, was your H aware of this?

 

It definitely bothered me that I had never been with another man. I had curiosity how would be with another person but if I thought everyone would have that... you just give up on acting on it when you are married... unfortunately I did act on it and then I didn't know how to stop it.

 

My husband didn't know.

 

[]

 

<<About telling all the truth to my husband, I am completely open to be truthful with him but I am not open to go into comparisons. If I am asked my answer will be that you can't compare because I love my husband and what we share when we make love is completely different than what I did with OM. This has been consulted with my counselor and he thinks exactly the same way I do.>>

 

From my own experiences, I would not necessarily reveal unnecessary details which will haunt your husband for the rest of his life but you will have to answer the questions best you can. You can't say psycho babble. You need to be direct and answer. If you liked the way OM tasted or something very personal, I would take that to the grave but you are going to have to answer questions about kissing, p*nis size, orgasms, swallowing, where when and how, etc. In your situation I think you need to be honest about the orgasm thing because it is a focal point in your affair. It will need to be addressed or else you will definitely be unsatisfied again and that is not fair to you or your husband.

 

Yes, I am going to be completely honest.

 

Homealone,

 

You have a very long road ahead of you but I think you are doing all of the right things, right now.

 

This isn't easy and every day will present a new challenge. I can't give you much advice as I am fighting my own demons as a WW. My affair was a year and unfortunately I did fall in love with the OM which has been a mountain for me to climb in R with my husband.

 

I do agree with other posters that say get back into your house. You have to give your husband the space he asks for but you also need to be there as a mom for your boys. It would appear to be a very tight rope you are walking but just be compassionate and loving. If you truly do love your husband then show it even when he is angry and hurting and yelling. Do NOT however let him be verbally abusive this is not good for anyone, but especially your boys.

 

Also, if he asks the questions then answer them honestly. You can always remind him that when he asks something and hears it he cannot unhear it but let him know you will be honest.

 

I would also sit down and talk to your parents and apologize but let them know you really need their support and love right now. Yes you F** up but you still need some support.

 

I am pushing for you and following your story.

 

Thank you! I also hope you will be able to survive your affair.

I will talk to my parents tomorrow, I understand they are really disappointed because they love my husband like a child and they are scared not only for me but also about losing him. Not to say the damage that I have created to my boys....

 

Well, one thing at the time, now I have to work on rebuilding everything I tore down.

Edited December 9, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
redacted response to deleted post ~6

[GoldenR]

HomeAlone -

 

I just want to encourage you to not get discouraged to continue posting here. If you look thru some of the longer threads that were originated by waywards, you'll find that the first few days had a lot of the harsher posts that you don't find helpful. However, as time passes, the people that stick it out in these threads are the main people here that do have the best advice to offer.

 

So please, keep posting here. Keep updating us as events unfold. Doing so will definitely be helpful to you.

[Jersey born raised]

Please do not out of hand reject posters venting out of hand. They can be of value to you. Some might echo what your husband will say. While you don't need to post an answer, perhaps you should, in your mind, compose an answer. You saw the pain your actions caused your husband.

 

The venters are speaking from the same pain. I am not sure if I did but, read up and discuss triggers, mind movies, TT, Blameshiftimg with your counselor. View dealng with vents as practice runs. Again you do not to post an answer.

Finally there is an alert button, along with an edit button, after every post. Use the edit button to notify the moderator (William or his assistant) and they will deal with it. They are very quick to act.

 

Finally are you physically safe? Are you sure? You need to seek out legal advise as some countries can be very harsh about adultery. Also read up on verbal and emotional abuse.

[Mr. Lucky]

That was not the problem I think the fact that I had never been with another man but my husband and the novelty was long gone played a big role here

 

So what's changed? I understand you've had a glimpse of having the comfortable rug of family life pulled from underneath you but, in terms of your marriage, what's changed?

 

If anything, you have a bigger hill to climb. You now know where sex with your H ranks, and he knows you know, and you know he knows you know...

 

Mr. Lucky

[GoldenR]

the OM is a special kind of man

 

I understand what you are saying, but never say this to your husband.

[BetrayedH]

I disagree here, an alcoholic can be an alcoholic if they simply can't limit, or refuse a drink when the opportunity presents itself....an addiction is an addiction regardless of the quantity of times or amounts...it is the inability to say no or stay within a reasonable limit (alcohol related) that defines an addiction. I have heard it said that if you think you may have a problem with alcohol, go into a bar and have 1 or 2 drinks and leave. If you have a hard time leaving after only one or two, you have a problem....she sounds as though when she was presented an "opportunity" she struggled with saying no" knowing that it was wrong it was the "thrill", "Org" that she was seeking, not a relationship with the OM....

 

We all are entitled to our thoughts here but this is how i see it.

 

I think generally these statements are true about addictions, like alcoholism.

 

Regardless, I'm completely unconvinced that the OP is a sex addict. That would come off as a massive blameshift to me.

 

My early hypothesis is that she reveled in the attention/validation that she got from another man and likely felt a sense of entitlement since she married so young and missed out on variety. There's probably also a bit of conflict-avoidance because if she really felt this need for variety, it's a discussion to have with your spouse. You'ge got a big, lifelong agreement with that person. A person with a healthy sense of integrity wouldn't just shrug off their end of the bargain with their partner.

 

Throw in a little confidence about not being caught (no one being hurt) and you're off to the races.

 

I'd be digging into that sense of entitlement, the need for validation, and the conflict avoidance. Married people aren't entitled to playing single. There are a lot of other choices that don't involve risking a nuke on your marriage.

 

OP, I've tried to delay this conversation but you really need to dig into the "why" behind this decision. It's likely to be the first question he asks and the last one for which he receives a decent answer. If you cannot determine why you had this affair, your H is going to have no reason to believe he won't suffer a reoccurrence.

 

There are obviously other actions you must take to set up your reconciliation for success but the why is going to be a critical component before you know it. This is where I recommend you spend your time while you are in IC.

[Owl6118]

I think you and owl nailed it! It was an addiction...

 

I actually never said your attraction to your AP was an addiction. In fact, I said very clearly affairs are not addictions. What I DID say is that the lessons learned by people who have been through addiction may offer some lessons for you. There is a big difference.

[homealone123]

My younger son came to visit me and just left the house. He told me he loves me :love: but he can't understand why I have done this to his dad... and I can't explain it to him either because I don't know..

 

He told me my husband and my older son are very sad. My husband has told them that they should give me the respect every mother deserves and that our problems are between he and I and we will discuss them and solve them as adults. He told them that divorce is a possibility but is not the only possibility, that dad and mum need to discuss what are the next steps.

My husband made my older son promise that he will come to visit me tomorrow. I am really looking forward to talk to him. We need desperately to have a talk just the two of us.

 

My younger also told me he is going to act in the Christmas presentation in the school, he is very timid and I am very proud he has taken this role in the presentation! I feel lifted after talking to him. :love:

 

 

Please do not out of hand reject posters venting out of hand. They can be of value to you. Some might echo what your husband will say. While you don't need to post an answer, perhaps you should, in your mind, compose an answer. You saw the pain your actions caused your husband.

 

The venters are speaking from the same pain. I am not sure if I did but, read up and discuss triggers, mind movies, TT, Blameshiftimg with your counselor. View dealng with vents as practice runs. Again you do not to post an answer.

Finally there is an alert button, along with an edit button, after every post. Use the edit button to notify the moderator (William or his assistant) and they will deal with it. They are very quick to act.

 

Finally are you physically safe? Are you sure? You need to seek out legal advise as some countries can be very harsh about adultery. Also read up on verbal and emotional abuse.

 

No, I am sorry but I do not need practice by being insulted by strangers. I have lots of problems of my own to have to deal with unresolved issues of other people.

 

My husband is the most polite and gentle man in the world, I am still in shock that he called me a whore the first time I went to talk with him, it is so out of character for him... he usually is the calm and sweet guy and I am the spicy one. I don't feel my safety threatened at all.

 

So what's changed? I understand you've had a glimpse of having the comfortable rug of family life pulled from underneath you but, in terms of your marriage, what's changed?

 

If anything, you have a bigger hill to climb. You now know where sex with your H ranks, and he knows you know, and you know he knows you know...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

What has changed is the pain of my family... I think that is a big change... what do you think?

 

I understand what you are saying, but never say this to your husband.

 

I think generally these statements are true about addictions, like alcoholism.

 

Regardless, I'm completely unconvinced that the OP is a sex addict. That would come off as a massive blameshift to me.

 

My early hypothesis is that she reveled in the attention/validation that she got from another man and likely felt a sense of entitlement since she married so young and missed out on variety. There's probably also a bit of conflict-avoidance because if she really felt this need for variety, it's a discussion to have with your spouse. You'ge got a big, lifelong agreement with that person. A person with a healthy sense of integrity wouldn't just shrug off their end of the bargain with their partner.

 

Throw in a little confidence about not being caught (no one being hurt) and you're off to the races.

 

I'd be digging into that sense of entitlement, the need for validation, and the conflict avoidance. Married people aren't entitled to playing single. There are a lot of other choices that don't involve risking a nuke on your marriage.

OP, I've tried to delay this conversation but you really need to dig into the "why" behind this decision. It's likely to be the first question he asks and the last one for which he receives a decent answer. If you cannot determine why you had this affair, your H is going to have no reason to believe he won't suffer a reoccurrence.

There are obviously other actions you must take to set up your reconciliation for success but the why is going to be a critical component before you know it. This is where I recommend you spend your time while you are in IC.

 

Thank you, make sense. I will try to work on this tomorrow in IC. I also want to know why... I have asked myself that question many times before and after dday.

 

I actually never said your attraction to your AP was an addiction. In fact, I said very clearly affairs are not addictions. What I DID say is that the lessons learned by people who have been through addiction may offer some lessons for you. There is a big difference.

 

Sorry, I confused your words.

[Owl6118]

I am sorry but I don't agree, you can hurt people you love, you can love someone and chose to be selfish, put yourself before the well being of that person you love. Would you say I don't love my kids either? Because I hurt them too...

One thing is to love someone and other thing is being loving with that person. I was not being loving with my husband when I cheated but I have not one doubt that I never stopped to love him.

 

I think you missed my point, or I may not have made it clearly enough. If the latter is the case I will try again.

 

I said "your feelings are still lying to you"

 

Let me put it another way. Feelings are powerful, and immediate. But they come and go. The only feelings that matter are the ones we invite to stay, by choosing actions based on them. That is how you make feelings real in your life and in the lives of people you depend on.

 

When you say you feel love but were not being loving, I am saying that the actions count much more than the feelings. And that there is no point in insisting on the value of the feelings if the actions contradict them.

 

This is very important for you to contemplate. Open your mind to this idea as wide as you can.

 

Listening to your feelings, according them an importance greater than your actions, is part of the essence of entitlement. It is, in short, what got you here. It is what allowed you to say "I can do this in the other compartment because I still feel loving in this one."

 

You can double down on your feelings and insist to your husband that you always loved him and that he should recognize that. I agree with the other poster that you should not expect a good result if you do so.

 

Or you can become more humble and say that "No matter how I thought I felt my actions were unloving. I will work to find out why despite my feeling of being loving, that feeling did not make me a safe and loving person to you and the kids."

 

It's your choice, but on these choices hangs your future.

[Mrin]

That is an interesting information. How should I address this issue because he is and always has been the love of my life. How can I bring this message to him? If you have any suggestion I will be very thankful!

 

OP: You don't. You don't say it. You can say things like you never stopped loving him. Or that you always loved him. But you can't say that you never for a second stopped thinking he was the love of your life. Even if it is true. I'd suggest that, in retrospect, you'll come to agree that it isn't true.

 

Here's why. He needs some story. Some logical explanation of how you could have done the things you did. We men are a logical bunch and there needs to be some explanation. When you say something like "I never once stopped thinking you were the love of my life" it leaves zero room for an explanation. Because the response to that is then "if you felt that way, how could you do it?" And given those two things juxtaposed, the only conclusions he can draw is that 1) you are lying or 2) your definition and his definition of "love of my life" are two very different things. If he concludes #2 then you are the person he thought you were/built his life with.

 

Either way, you leave him no room to make sense of this whole thing.

 

Now, back to your original question. How do you show it? Well, like I said, first you don't say it. Second, you show it, if you're lucky enough to get a second chance, by acting like he's the love of your life for every remaining second of the rest of your life.

 

Here's the thing OP. The words "I love you" often lose meaning in a relationship. They become throw away words. We say it when we don't really feel it. We say it because we're expected to. We say it because well, it is what couples say to each other. And that's ok. But a much more powerful pronouncement is "I choose you". That's not mired in the past or in ritual. That's just an open and proud proclamation of the present. So that's your task, OP, if you are so lucky. To find a way to proclaim "I choose you" to him each and every day for the rest of your life.

 

Hope this helps

Edited December 8, 2016 by Mrin

[drifter777]

We were married very young and my wife had only clumsy, hurried "quickie" sex with a couple other guys before we met. When she cheated on me she said not having experienced other men was a big factor in her thinking. At first I had no reaction to this other than in my mind I knew that I didn't have much more experience than she did and we were the same age when we married yet I did not cheat. As time went by and I tried to understand why she did what she did and she would toss out the "needed more experience" card I would ask her why she wanted to experience being a slut? That this "reason" of hers showed an unbelievable level of narcissism. That her feeling "entitled" to fulfill this perceived need for sex with other men was cruel and heartless. I can't tell you how many terrible fights this single issue caused us. It was a major blocker in whatever chance I had to ever forgive her.

 

Of course over time she stopped using this "needed to experience others" excuse because I finally told her that if I heard it one more time I was leaving. I know she still believes it. I know in my heart she still clings to this phony reason in order to justify her behavior in her own mind. Now she's smart enough to lie about it in the rare instances that this comes up.

 

I wish you would stop using this "no sexual experience" excuse. I wish you would stop thinking that "it was just sex". I and others have told you dozens of times that this is not wise because for your husband your cheating is ALL ABOUT THE SEX. You don't understand it - we know. You keep telling us that you never loved the OM, you just had sex with him. For some reason you don't think your affair was as bad as a wife who has sex with another man AND falls in love with him. Stop being so narcissistic that you refuse to put yourself into your husbands shoes and try to see this through HIS eyes. To him, the sex is the primary issue - by a long shot.

 

Based on some posts you made earlier I am sure you are going to get a second chance with your husband. If he was the kind of guy for whom cheating was a true deal-breaker you would have already been served with divorce papers. So you are going to get the chance to reconcile but it will be the hardest, most painful thing you have ever attempted. If you are not willing to accept that your husband sees your cheating differently than you do then you have no chance. At some time in the future you can explain your side of all this to him, but not now.

Edited December 8, 2016 by drifter777

[BluesPower]

OK HomeAlone...

 

Take a deep breath and just keep breathing.

 

I am going to tell you some things that my help. First you English is very good for a second language, kudos.

 

First off, try not to get upset at the people that you think are being too hard on you. You need to let that roll off like water off a ducks back. I am hoping you have that phrase in our country.

 

What you have to understand is that some of the advice that you get, you will think is too harsh, right now. Later you will understand it better. Also, may of us are BS's and WS's and some, like me, are both. People that have been both understand both sides of the equation.

 

Right now a part of you feels the you are the worst person in the world. You feel alone. Well you are not alone. Many of us here feel what you are going through and some of us also understand what your husband is going through.

 

And, you are not the worst person in the world. You are not even the worst person on LS. As a matter of fact I think I am near the to of worse people on LS because I have done it all, on the male side. Lots of affairs and what not. You are not even in the top 10.

 

So I want to explain a few things that you may not understand and that may help down the road.

 

1) In terms of 17 vs. 168 sexual encounters, 17 is way better. It is a lot but for 2 years really it could be much worse. Not that 17 or 1 sexual encounter is good because at a certain point it does not matter. However it is way better that 168 or whatever.

 

2) It is just sex. For Betrayed Husbands (BH) It is all about the sex. Most woman, most not all, women fall in love before or during the period of time they have affairs. (Except for MJJean - Honey we have got to talk, LOL. And I am just joking so don't start LS'ers.)

 

Usually men do not fall in love when they have an affair. Most not all.

 

So, men do not care about their wives falling in love with the OM, most don't but not all. So your H would feel better if you were in love with the married man and had sex 2 or 3 times.

 

Actually, it of course would have been better if you were just in love with OM and did not have sex at all, but it is too late for that.

 

This is the reason everyone is wondering if you were in love or if it was just sex. The men here in general want you to have been in love because they understand women in love have sex. They don't like it but they understand if.

 

But in general, for me the affair is all about sex. What you did was about sex and since there was no love, you H will have a hard time understanding it. He will still be pissed about the sex but he would have understood it better the other way around.

 

3) I believe that you are remorseful about your affair. What you do not understand is how remorseful you will be in the future. Today you know that you have hurt your husband. In a few months when you husband is screaming and crying in the bathroom and you go to help him. Then you will start to understand how much you have hurt him. There is a good chance that at some point he will be curled up in the fetal position screaming and crying. You will think he actually hurt himself. What you will discover is that he cannot hold his emotions back anymore.

 

Then, and only then, will you begin to understand how much you have actually hurt your husband. Then and only then will you actually be deeply remorseful. Then and only then with you actually start to feel the pain that YOU caused with your selfishness. All you can do at that point is to hold your H as he cries like you have never seen him cry. Worse than when he lost his parents, much worse. Be prepared for this.

 

4) You think your was angry when he kicked you out of the house. You have not seen his anger yet. It will come out of no where. It could come when you two start to have sex or after you have sex. It could come during a romantic walk. It could come at any time. When it happens it will scare you. Be prepared for this. You will wonder who this person is. You will wonder what happened to your husband. This will scare you more. Be prepared for this. He will scream at you. He will call you horrible names. Or he may not talk to you for a week. All of this will scare you. Be prepared for this. It could happen over and over again. it could go away for 6 months and then come back. You have to stand tall and take it. Don't get angry, allow him his rage. All you can do to repeatedly tell him how sorry you are. Nothing else. Be prepared for this.

 

5) How you answer questions is up to you. You need to be truthful. He may as if the sex was better and you can say it was different. But when he asks if the sex was good, you have too say yes. This will hurt him.

 

6) You are luck in many ways that your husband is bigger than other man. You dodged a bullet there. The stamina stuff can be worked on and learned and your husband can learn control and probably last longer than other man. If you did things like anal sex, any new oral sex or whatever. You have to be truthful about that with H and if he wants the same thing, you have to give it to him no questions asked. Some will disagree, but sorry they are wrong.

 

7) Regardless of what others say, if you husband cannot get over the sex then you need to encourage him to have sex with another woman. A prostate, a short affair, whatever. And yes he may like it more than you liked your extra sex, or he could run off with another woman, not likely but it is possible. You will be hurt by it most likely, but these are the risks that you may have to take. This will be some of the pain that you will have to feel for what you have done. Of course, only if he cannot get over the affair and sex issues any other way.

 

Trust me, what I am telling you is the truth because I have been where your husband is at. I have also been where you are at. They both suck. But understand that for your husband, it will be much worse than you can imagine.

 

However, based on your new information in your posts, I am giving this marriage a better than 50/50 chance that you may be able to R and stay together. Maybe 60/40.

 

It is dependent on what your husband decides so you are not even close to being out of the woods yet.

 

You just hand in there and love your husband and be prepared for what will happen over the next few months.

 

Good luck Dear...

[Mrin]

OP: Not to double post here but I just thought of another way to explain it. You can't tell him that you never once stopped believing he was the love of your life because if that's your best, then your best isn't good enough. You can't get more "best" than love of your life, right? And if that were the case, if that were your best, then your best obviously wasn't good enough or strong enough to keep from sleeping with another man. See how that leaves him no story, no explanation that he can build upon?

[homealone123]

We were married very young and my wife had only clumsy, hurried "quickie" sex with a couple other guys before we met. When she cheated on me she said not having experienced other men was a big factor in her thinking. At first I had no reaction to this other than in my mind I knew that I didn't have much more experience than she did and we were the same age when we married yet I did not cheat. As time went by and I tried to understand why she did what she did and she would toss out the "needed more experience" card I would ask her why she wanted to experience being a slut? That this "reason" of hers showed an unbelievable level of narcissism. That her feeling "entitled" to fulfill this perceived need for sex with other men was cruel and heartless. I can't tell you how many terrible fights this single issue caused us. It was a major blocker in whatever chance I had to ever forgive her.

 

Of course over time she stopped using this "needed to experience others" excuse because I finally told her that if I heard it one more time I was leaving. I know she still believes it. I know in my heart she still clings to this phony reason in order to justify her behavior in her own mind. Now she's smart enough to lie about it in the rare instances that this comes up.

 

I wish you would stop using this "no sexual experience" excuse. I wish you would stop thinking that "it was just sex". I and others have told you dozens of times that this is not wise because for your husband your cheating is ALL ABOUT THE SEX. You don't understand it - we know. You keep telling us that you never loved the OM, you just had sex with him. For some reason you don't think your affair was as bad as a wife who has sex with another man AND falls in love with him. Stop being so narcissistic that you refuse to put yourself into your husbands shoes and try to see this through HIS eyes. To him, the sex is the primary issue - by a long shot.

 

Based on some posts you made earlier I am sure you are going to get a second chance with your husband. If he was the kind of guy for whom cheating was a true deal-breaker you would have already been served with divorce papers. So you are going to get the chance to reconcile but it will be the hardest, most painful thing you have ever attempted. If you are not willing to accept that your husband sees your cheating differently than you do then you have no chance. At some time in the future you can explain your side of all this to him, but not now.

 

I am sorry you got hurt Drifter and I understand that for men it is all about the sex, but do you really prefer that your wife lies to you?

Many people here are telling me that I should say the truth and only the truth and unfortunately I didn't have a EA with the OM it was a PA and excursively about the sex. I wish I had only said some I love yous to OM but is not the case .

I also think you believe that my husband is going to give me a second chance because you don't know him. He would never serve me with the divorce papers like that...he is a thinker and he is now making his own calculations and thinking why should he stay and why should he leave (I would bet he even has a written list with this topic). I will get a good idea of where I stand on Saturday and not before.

[homealone123]

Blues and Mrin, I will answer you tomorrow, I am going to bed, I didn't sleep last night and I am tired but thanks for your posts, they have made me think.

[kgcolonel]

My younger son came to visit me and just left the house. He told me he loves me :love: but he can't understand why I have done this to his dad... and I can't explain it to him either because I don't know..

 

He told me my husband and my older son are very sad. My husband has told them that they should give me the respect every mother deserves and that our problems are between he and I and we will discuss them and solve them as adults. He told them that divorce is a possibility but is not the only possibility, that dad and mum need to discuss what are the next steps.

My husband made my older son promise that he will come to visit me tomorrow. I am really looking forward to talk to him. We need desperately to have a talk just the two of us.

 

My younger also told me he is going to act in the Christmas presentation in the school, he is very timid and I am very proud he has taken this role in the presentation! I feel lifted after talking to him. :love:

 

 

 

 

No, I am sorry but I do not need practice by being insulted by strangers. I have lots of problems of my own to have to deal with unresolved issues of other people.

 

My husband is the most polite and gentle man in the world, I am still in shock that he called me a whore the first time I went to talk with him, it is so out of character for him... he usually is the calm and sweet guy and I am the spicy one. I don't feel my safety threatened at all.

 

 

 

What has changed is the pain of my family... I think that is a big change... what do you think?

 

 

 

 

 

Thank you, make sense. I will try to work on this tomorrow in IC. I also want to know why... I have asked myself that question many times before and after dday.

 

 

 

Sorry, I confused your words.

 

 

 

Addressing the bolded text...You are correct here and if you can, ignore the stabs as they do not help you address the issues at hand....like someone else said, many here have open bleeding wounds from having been cheated on by their best friend / spouse. I personally don't fault them but you need to ignore the "mean" messages, don't ignore the "hard" messages as there is something to take away from those. Also, those likely will be the questions you'll face once you and your H are able to set down and begin the discussions you need to have.

 

Addressing the second bolded text...This is not to add to your guilt but it is good that you can experience his pain. This level of betrayal can and may change him or any person for life....watch and embrace his pain and ask him how you can help him work through it.....This is how you begin to rebuild the R whether within a M or separately and Co-parents. This is how you show remorse and will serve to prevent additional infidelities.

 

Best to you.

[Mr. Lucky]

What has changed is the pain of my family... I think that is a big change... what do you think?

 

I agree certainly is a change. So is illness, divorce and death. Change doesn't always equal opportunity.

 

Everything you say to your husband will be run through this filter: "She lied to me for two years, and now I'm supposed to believe this is the truth ???"

 

As you've already been cautioned over and over again, be very careful about saying anything remotely self-serving. The few tiny grains of credibility you'll have can be lost in an instant...

 

Mr. Lucky

[kiyoma]

I also think you believe that my husband is going to give me a second chance because you don't know him. He would never serve me with the divorce papers like that...he is a thinker and he is now making his own calculations and thinking why should he stay and why should he leave (I would bet he even has a written list with this topic). I will get a good idea of where I stand on Saturday and not before.

 

Calm down lady! Your H isn't going anywhere. You have more than "restored his masculinity" by the way you placated him at your BIL's. Well played! When you return will he be pissed off a bit? Well yes. But thats just a minor bump on an otherwise smooth highway. It is nothing that a bit of grovelling, I am sorry, I love you won't solve. And whats better, you don't even have to mean it. Within a week your BH will be feeling your "true remorse"!!

 

Whats more, he will actually believe that "you are closer than ever", the two of you. I mean how much better deal can you get? 2 year of lustful sex with a handsome instructor and then having a happy fool for a H even after discovery.

 

Don't believe me? Check out the OW/OM section. See all the thread of Married Women in affairs and what they actually think about their H (not a lot, because in their post you will hardly find the mention of the poor H's)? And guess what? None of them are divorced post discovery. Infact now they have their "best friends back". Also 1 of them have replied to your thread although who had a recent DDay and her H has been falling over himself to get her back after her year long "love affair" and who so gladly mentions how her sexual and emotional connection with OM was from the 5th dimension.

 

Still scared of divorce?

Edited December 8, 2016 by kiyoma

[Ocdude]

I think you missed my point, or I may not have made it clearly enough. If the latter is the case I will try again.

 

I said "your feelings are still lying to you"

 

Let me put it another way. Feelings are powerful, and immediate. But they come and go. The only feelings that matter are the ones we invite to stay, by choosing actions based on them. That is how you make feelings real in your life and in the lives of people you depend on.

 

When you say you feel love but were not being loving, I am saying that the actions count much more than the feelings. And that there is no point in insisting on the value of the feelings if the actions contradict them.

 

This is very important for you to contemplate. Open your mind to this idea as wide as you can.

 

Listening to your feelings, according them an importance greater than your actions, is part of the essence of entitlement. It is, in short, what got you here. It is what allowed you to say "I can do this in the other compartment because I still feel loving in this one."

 

You can double down on your feelings and insist to your husband that you always loved him and that he should recognize that. I agree with the other poster that you should not expect a good result if you do so.

 

Or you can become more humble and say that "No matter how I thought I felt my actions were unloving. I will work to find out why despite my feeling of being loving, that feeling did not make me a safe and loving person to you and the kids."

 

It's your choice, but on these choices hangs your future.

 

I'm really reading impressive analogies and wisdom by several posters. OP you are getting thousands of dollars of counseling and advise on this particular thread. This is definition of the psychological term congruence. Look, Act how you feel, and fell how you look and act. If these are not match, the person needs to do IC to determine their personal stressor.

 

Well stated Owl

[fenix]

I think you missed my point, or I may not have made it clearly enough. If the latter is the case I will try again.

 

I said "your feelings are still lying to you"

 

Let me put it another way. Feelings are powerful, and immediate. But they come and go. The only feelings that matter are the ones we invite to stay, by choosing actions based on them. That is how you make feelings real in your life and in the lives of people you depend on.

 

When you say you feel love but were not being loving, I am saying that the actions count much more than the feelings. And that there is no point in insisting on the value of the feelings if the actions contradict them.

 

This is very important for you to contemplate. Open your mind to this idea as wide as you can.

 

Listening to your feelings, according them an importance greater than your actions, is part of the essence of entitlement. It is, in short, what got you here. It is what allowed you to say "I can do this in the other compartment because I still feel loving in this one."

 

You can double down on your feelings and insist to your husband that you always loved him and that he should recognize that. I agree with the other poster that you should not expect a good result if you do so.

 

Or you can become more humble and say that "No matter how I thought I felt my actions were unloving. I will work to find out why despite my feeling of being loving, that feeling did not make me a safe and loving person to you and the kids."

 

It's your choice, but on these choices hangs your future.

 

This is gold... Owl you speak wisely! OP take every word from this post to the bank!

Edited December 8, 2016 by fenix

[road]

Homealone123 it's time to "go big or go home".

Be completely honest with your husband.

Lay all your cards out on the table.

Then show him and let him read this thread in its entirety.

Then let the chips fall where they may.

 

Not to start a fight but this is about the worse advice. Things we have said about this affair are things that this BH is not ready to hear and may never be ready to hear.

 

 

This advice also ignores that the BH gets to control what he wants to hear.

[Cephalopod]

My husband is the most polite and gentle man in the world, I am still in shock that he called me a whore the first time I went to talk with him, it is so out of character for him... he usually is the calm and sweet guy and I am the spicy one. I don't feel my safety threatened at all.

 

Do you find your husband to be too polite and accommodating? Was the OM a more masculine, aggressive type? Maybe you are attracted to "bad boys".

[road]

 

About telling all the truth to my husband, I am completely open to be truthful with him but I am not open to go into comparisons. If I am asked my answer will be that you can't compare because I love my husband and what we share when we make love is completely different than what I did with OM. This has been consulted with my counselor and he thinks exactly the same way I do.

 

 

 

This counselor is advising you to lie to your BH. There are two ways to lie. Commission which the act of doing it. Omission is lying by hiding the truth, omitting details, as in talking as a politician aka putting a spin on it.

[road]

Still, that will be all his assumption not my words.

 

No that will be BH's truth. Deflecting is avoiding giving the answer.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Calm down lady! Your H isn't going anywhere. You have more than "restored his masculinity" by the way you placated him at your BIL's. Well played! When you return will he be pissed off a bit? Well yes. But thats just a minor bump on an otherwise smooth highway. It is nothing that a bit of grovelling, I am sorry, I love you won't solve. And whats better, you don't even have to mean it. Within a week your BH will be feeling your "true remorse"!!

 

Whats more, he will actually believe that "you are closer than ever", the two of you. I mean how much better deal can you get? 2 year of lustful sex with a handsome instructor and then having a happy fool for a H even after discovery.

 

Don't believe me? Check out the OW/OM section. See all the thread of Married Women in affairs and what they actually think about their H (not a lot, because in their post you will hardly find the mention of the poor H's)? And guess what? None of them are divorced post discovery. Infact now they have their "best friends back". Also 1 of them have replied to your thread although who had a recent DDay and her H has been falling over himself to get her back after her year long "love affair" and who so gladly mentions how her sexual and emotional connection with OM was from the 5th dimension.

 

Still scared of divorce?

 

Didn't you post on this thread that you had a girlfriend and a wife?

I am not sure why you are attacking the OP for something you are doing yourself.