I cheated, now my life is destroyed. (long )

[road]

And again you are doing the wrong assumptions, I didn't know it was 17 times till I made the timeline for my husband with the calendar in my hand... but you can believe what you wants, I am tired of this stupid discussion...

 

 

 

I believe you. Though I could not remember how many times over a two year period. How can you?

[road]

Saying that I never felt guilt during my affair is cheap, you don't know how I felt... and yes, I felt guilt and dirty... why did I kept doing it ? I wish I knew the answer for that question... probably because I did compartmentalize my behavior and I lied to myself to justify what I was doing... I don't know...

 

You kept doing it because it was mind blowing sex, your ego got a huge boost because you got an alpha stud to have sex with you. You never showed any intention of stopping this affair. Along with you where able to compartmentalize it.

 

 

You hooked up when it was convenient for you. You liked taking breaks because getting the OM back in bed after each break was another ego boost.

[road]

I am sorry you got hurt Drifter and I understand that for men it is all about the sex, but do you really prefer that your wife lies to you?

Many people here are telling me that I should say the truth and only the truth and unfortunately I didn't have a EA with the OM it was a PA and excursively about the sex. I wish I had only said some I love yous to OM but is not the case .

I also think you believe that my husband is going to give me a second chance because you don't know him. He would never serve me with the divorce papers like that...he is a thinker and he is now making his own calculations and thinking why should he stay and why should he leave (I would bet he even has a written list with this topic). I will get a good idea of where I stand on Saturday and not before.

 

 

 

It is not that drifter wants his WW to lie. You see Drifter's WW claiming she needed to get what she missed out was just her justifying the affair in her mind to bang her OM.

 

 

Her hanging on to this excuse/false justification was her still blame shifting and not owning what she did. Her refusing to show remorse. A WW can not show remorse when making excuses to justify her affair.

 

 

His WW years later has stopped using that excuse. Because he told her no more or I'm gone. That does not mean that her no longer saying that anymore does not mean she is lying. All it means that outwardly she has stopped using that false justification to remove the blame for the affair on her.

 

 

Whether she really believed that excuse or not does not matter. Every time she used that excuse it was to win an argument with her BH so he would zitta tu and get off her back.

[harrybrown]

Please do not take your H to the counselor that is controlling the truth that he gets to hear.

 

If you get the chance, have him go to affair recovery.com.

 

get him some help from the pain, and not from the counselor that is trying to trick him.

[usa1ah]

 

I know my husband well and I don't think it is in his character to have a revenge affair but I almost wish he would do that to even the field and make our reconciliation possible. It is devastating the idea of him in the arms of another woman but if that would be the price to pay to have him back and to be able to rebuild I would let him have it. :(

 

I understand why many of you would doubt this but the truth is that I have never for a second doubt that my husband is the love of my life, I miss him and I am hurting terribly because he is hurting and I can't be there for him as I have always been.

 

Ok just the thought of you husband in the arms of another woman hurts you. You can't even imagine the hurt and pain you have caused him.

 

Would you R with him if he found someone and slept with her 17 times?

[QuietDan]

l find myself wondering if the No. 17 was arrived at with creative accounting. Perhaps 17 is the number of encounters that are traceable if a suspicious were to investigate. Check schedules, cell phone records and took the time to do due diligence. Or, involved going to the gym first. Not counting the chanced meet ups at other locations and times. She is very careful and precise with what, where, when, why, and how. Trickle truth potential? Then again, maybe she was keeping a secret Diary. I wonder if the OM was making secret videos of his adventures? Maybe even posting them on line some where?

[Noirek]

My husband was thankful mine was not a love affair. He also had a lot easier time believing me that I wanted to stay married than if I had been in an affair making plans for the future.

 

So, not all men are all about the sex. Some people on here like to pretend they know everything about other people who they have not met based on their own projections. Simply put, we can only guess as to how your husband feels and what is or isn't worse to him.

 

In general, the longer the affair the harder for the BS. 2 years are a lot of memories that are fouled between you and him. Any happy memories from then will remind him that you were cheating. All you can do now is be patient and stop being bossy and dictating what he can or can't do. Or hear. Listen to BetrayedH's advice. He is a very kind man and quite open towards BS. But trickle truth destroyed R with his wife. Knowing your spouse is holding back, sensing they aren't being forthcoming, will kill any chance you may have.

 

Stop deciding for your husband what is best for him. He isn't a child. Your counseller is wrong on this. Twisting or hiding anything to save your marriage will just show him you haven't learned a thing about not being deceptive.

 

Love your boys, love your husband, don't give in to despair and things will eventually get better. And if your husband decides he wants to divorce. Don't fight him or did in your feet. Let him know you still want to be married to him but no begging. Sign the papers and let him choose. Continue to show him your remorse and maybe in time he will come back.

[bigman1]

 

 

c) Some of you seem to believe that I had to love OM… is it so difficult to understand that a woman can have sex without involving love? I never loved the OM because I was completely unavailable in that area as I never stopped loving my husband, besides the OM lacks the intellectual connection that I need to get to that level of interest.

 

About telling all the truth to my husband, I am completely open to be truthful with him but I am not open to go into comparisons. If I am asked my answer will be that you can't compare because I love my husband and what we share when we make love is completely different than what I did with OM. This has been consulted with my counselor and he thinks exactly the same way I do.

 

 

You had really better get another counselor and quick. This guy is just projecting onto you the type of self-deceptive lies that he needed to get through his own betrayal. He may also be trying to help you feel better without realizing that he is setting you up to fail. I will explain.

 

When you look at the two things that you wrote earlier, and I have quoted above, you will see that you are going to go right into an intellectual trap

 

You love your husband and there is no comparison with what he and you had with what you had with the OM The thing is, what you and your husband had was not enough to keep your from the OM 17 times, thus what the OM and you had was stronger, more intense, and more significant in some respects. It is a hard reality.

 

It was just sex and that sex was so awesome that it overcame whatever you had with your husband. He will hear it this way, "I love you, and I love what you do for me, but just the thought of sex with that guy made me betray you the first time and then after I realized that I was right about how awesome the sex was, I could not help but betray you."

 

Your counselor is wrong as are you. There was a comparison between what you claim that you had with your husband and the OM and the OM won out. That is the truth and you have to explain why. Trying to avoid having that conversation by misleading him is not good. Better to tell him that you don't know and are trying to figure it out than to mislead him by misdirecting him. Eventually, he's going to call you on it and then what are you going to do?

 

I fully appreciate that women can have sex without emotion. the problem is when anyone chooses sex over their marriage relationship. By the way, until you had sex, it was not just sex, it was something else. I think that you really were truthful when you said that the OM was just so appealing to you that you could not help yourself. Still, what made you chose lust over love?

[Mrin]

This is gold... Owl you speak wisely! OP take every word from this post to the bank!

 

I know right?!

[LostOnes05]

OP, I'm not going to bash you and my apologies if it comes off that way. As someone who was cheated on in relationships before, I have a particular gripe when it comes to this as I find it highly disrespectful. But I'm going to be nice and try to help.

 

The way you still describe the OM's sexual prowess and control over you, suggests that it happening again isn't as far-fetched an idea as you may want to believe. But a few questions your husband may ask...

 

What does love mean to you?

 

How could you look me in the face every day and lie to me?

 

Why should we fight for the relationship after the fact, especially a two year period?

 

Did you ever intend to stop if I hadn't caught you and kicked you out of the house?

 

Did you ever have sex with both of us on the same day?

 

How am I supposed to trust you ever again? Especially if you can dissociate between sex and love, who is to say you haven't done that with me?

 

Why didn't you discuss your sexual frustrations with me, rather than having an affair?

 

If we should get a divorce, do I have to worry about this man potentially being around my sons?

 

You put our health at risk and your life at risk (because you didn't really know this guy before sleeping with him. )? Was it worth it for just sex?

 

I think you are hedging your bets on the fact that you know your husband. But I'm guessing he thought the same about you, until he saw you with the other guy. You've already said that him calling you a w**** was out of character for him. Do I think he was out of line?...No, but you have to understand that both of you are two different people now. The person he was before knowledge of the affair and the person he is now are different because his thought process and perspective of you is different.

 

Should you guys stick it out, you have to acknowledge that you've inserted a huge level of insecurity into the relationship and your family as a whole. He knows that you have the capacity to carry on an affair and sleep next to him as if all is right in the world, and your children (specifically the oldest one) are old enough that they won't forget the thought of how it felt to almost have their family torn down before their eyes. Your husband telling them to be respectful of you doesn't change those internal feelings. You should sit down and talk with each of them because they have just as much at stake.

 

And what happens if/when your husband's insecurities become too much to bear? Will that spur another episode like this? Will you stick it out or leave, even if it is a seed that you planted in him? Whether it's 2 months from now or 5 years down the road, how would he be able to legitimately say this won't happen again if he stays.

 

I wish you and your family the best of luck. Just understand if things don't turn out the way you want, that this is a clear lesson in what not to do again. Take care!

[BetrayedH]

Keep your chin up. It's a tough crowd.

 

There is still hope. Keep in mind that it's a marathon, not a sprint. You've gotten a lot of pressure to answer a lot of difficult questions. I commend you for coming here and for making the effort.

 

Good luck with your therapist. And with your eldest son. And with your return home on Saturday.

[homealone123]

I think you missed my point, or I may not have made it clearly enough. If the latter is the case I will try again.

 

I said "your feelings are still lying to you"

 

Let me put it another way. Feelings are powerful, and immediate. But they come and go. The only feelings that matter are the ones we invite to stay, by choosing actions based on them. That is how you make feelings real in your life and in the lives of people you depend on.

 

When you say you feel love but were not being loving, I am saying that the actions count much more than the feelings. And that there is no point in insisting on the value of the feelings if the actions contradict them.

 

This is very important for you to contemplate. Open your mind to this idea as wide as you can.

 

Listening to your feelings, according them an importance greater than your actions, is part of the essence of entitlement. It is, in short, what got you here. It is what allowed you to say "I can do this in the other compartment because I still feel loving in this one."

 

You can double down on your feelings and insist to your husband that you always loved him and that he should recognize that. I agree with the other poster that you should not expect a good result if you do so.

 

Or you can become more humble and say that "No matter how I thought I felt my actions were unloving. I will work to find out why despite my feeling of being loving, that feeling did not make me a safe and loving person to you and the kids."

 

It's your choice, but on these choices hangs your future.

 

Yes, I understood you the first time although with all my respect I still don't agree. I think your philosophy is simplistic (no offense intended). If we were talking about animals then yes, actions and feelings are reflections of each other. If you burn a dog he will be afraid of the fire, if you give love your dog he will unconditionally love you back.

 

Unfortunately we humans are a bit more complex because we can act against our feelings. Our feelings are who we are, are primal and not controlled, you can't force yourself to love someone the same way you can't stop loving someone even when you would like to do that.

 

You can lust a man/woman but not act on it, does it means that you don't really lust them?

You can be afraid to fly but still get into the aeroplane because you know you have to... does it means that you are not really afraid?

A prostitute can feel disgust for a guy and still have sex with him... does that mean that she doesn't feel disgusted?

You can smile to that guy you really don't like and act friendly towards him, does that mean that you actually like him?

 

Feelings and actions are not 1 to 1 to human beings because we are much more complex than that, other emotions like guilt play a role here, if you do something against your feelings usually it produces another feeling/emotion, in my case it was guilt. I am sure I have never stop loving my husband and not you or anyone else here will be able to change that because I know what I felt and what I feel is real.

I know that I was not loving to my husband and children, I own that and that is something I have to work with. Addressing that part of me is difficult but the point you brought about compartmentalization really resonated on me. I gave myself a pass to cheat because I was compensating it with being loving and further a good mother and wife. That is something that is very broken inside of me and I need to make a lot of introspection to discover how I got to that place, how I got that feeling of entitlement...

 

No matter how I thought I felt my actions were unloving. I will work to find out why despite my feeling of being loving, that feeling did not make me a safe and loving person to you and the kids.

 

This is something I can work with, thank you for your wisdom Owl although I do not agree with everything you say I do appreciate it.

Edited December 9, 2016 by homealone123

[homealone123]

This counselor is advising you to lie to your BH. There are two ways to lie. Commission which the act of doing it. Omission is lying by hiding the truth, omitting details, as in talking as a politician aka putting a spin on it.

 

No, he is not advising me to lie, he is advising me to be careful how I bring certain information over. I won't change the facts one bit but how I do bring that message is also important. Is the tone what makes the music.

 

No that will be BH's truth. Deflecting is avoiding giving the answer.

 

The truth is a complicated matter, I was there the whole time and not even I know exactly what the truth is... it changes from the way I think in the evening to the way I think in the morning. We are talking about feelings not about an objective matter... subjective matters like feelings are difficult to measure into truth and false ... right or wrong.

 

You kept doing it because it was mind blowing sex, your ego got a huge boost because you got an alpha stud to have sex with you. You never showed any intention of stopping this affair. Along with you where able to compartmentalize it.

 

 

You hooked up when it was convenient for you. You liked taking breaks because getting the OM back in bed after each break was another ego boost.

 

No offense but the alpha and beta thing is a quite primitive way of thinking, the truth is that I kept doing it because I liked it and because I thought I would not get caught (hence not consequences) and because I have compartmentalized it. Mix it with an incredible feeling of entitlement which I don't understand... and there it is the reason :(.

 

Please do not take your H to the counselor that is controlling the truth that he gets to hear.

 

If you get the chance, have him go to affair recovery.com.

 

get him some help from the pain, and not from the counselor that is trying to trick him.

 

I will not take my husband to any counselor, if we get to that I will let him chose the counselor and I will just play but the rules he sets. I don't think I am in the position to make demands. I will ask him to visit recovery.com

 

Ok just the thought of you husband in the arms of another woman hurts you. You can't even imagine the hurt and pain you have caused him.

 

Would you R with him if he found someone and slept with her 17 times?

 

I don't know, I sincerely don't know. It will be easy for me to answer yes or not but I think you won't know how you would react till you are actually in that situation. If you would have told me I would be here 2 years ago I would have thought you were crazy.

 

l find myself wondering if the No. 17 was arrived at with creative accounting. Perhaps 17 is the number of encounters that are traceable if a suspicious were to investigate. Check schedules, cell phone records and took the time to do due diligence. Or, involved going to the gym first. Not counting the chanced meet ups at other locations and times. She is very careful and precise with what, where, when, why, and how. Trickle truth potential? Then again, maybe she was keeping a secret Diary. I wonder if the OM was making secret videos of his adventures? Maybe even posting them on line some where?

 

There is no record what so ever to trace my affair. I could tell my husband I slept with OM 2 times in the last month and he could not find any trace in my email, texts, calendar, diary to that. Not that I have deleted them, it never existed. This wasn't a love relationship, we didn't chat about how much we loved each other or how good the sex was... we even didn't plan it in advance. We went to the gym and when it happened... well it happened.

I know it was 17 times because I made my self a point to get the exact number of times when I made the timeline of the affair for my husband.

 

It is extremely exhausting having everything I say here being doubted. I have no reason to diminish what I have done here, I have made myself vulnerable to the bashing patrol just to be able to get good advise from the posters that actually do care to give advise and help another human being. I don't think that advise will help me much if I don't bring the real situation here.

 

I would not know if the OM secretly recorded our sessions, I would hope not...if he did...it is not legal here where I live and he will end up in prison.

 

I believe you. Though I could not remember how many times over a two year period. How can you?

 

Again... I am really tired to have to defend every piece of information I am giving here... it is your choice what you believe. It was 17 times, not one more not one less and the majority of those 17 times happened the first 2 months of the affair, the other 20 months I have slept with the OM 6 times.

[homealone123]

Keep your chin up. It's a tough crowd.

 

There is still hope. Keep in mind that it's a marathon, not a sprint. You've gotten a lot of pressure to answer a lot of difficult questions. I commend you for coming here and for making the effort.

 

Good luck with your therapist. And with your eldest son. And with your return home on Saturday.

 

Thank you, as long as I find good advise I will keep coming. Yesterday I had a bad day and I couldn't take the Bashing and insulting that well... today I have slept better and I don't think I will be as sensitive as I was yesterday.

[masoj3k]

Yes, I understood you the first time although with all my respect I still don't agree. I think your philosophy is simplistic (no offense intended).

 

This may the issue though. You can see the nuances and complexity but your husband may not be able to due to all the emotional pain he is in. He is trying to understand how you can hurt someone you profess to love so much (and I believe you do love him as the love of your life) and the nuanced and complex answers could seem like trite excuses and spin to excuse your behaviour.

[Jersey born raised]

Good Morning HA123

 

What reading have you done about how to heal your husband? What has he suggestioned in this regard. It is great you made a timeline that maybe very important going forward. You also quit your Gym and gone NC. All very necessary steps. Did someone advise you?

 

Oh, did any of your friends know? If they did he most likely want you to end your friendship.

 

Take care

Edited December 9, 2016 by Jersey born raised

[homealone123]

This may the issue though. You can see the nuances and complexity but your husband may not be able to due to all the emotional pain he is in. He is trying to understand how you can hurt someone you profess to love so much (and I believe you do love him as the love of your life) and the nuanced and complex answers could seem like trite excuses and spin to excuse your behaviour.

 

Well, I guess that is my mission now, to try to explain to him what I have done and why (once I find out myself) and to gain his trust again. I will make my life mission to win back his trust and respect.

 

Good Morning HA123

 

What reading have you done about how to heal your husband? What has he suggestioned in this regard. It is great you made a timeline that maybe very important going forward. You also quit your Gym and gone NC. All very necessary steps. Did someone advise you?

 

Oh, did any of your friends know? If they did he most likely want you to end your friendship.

 

Take care

 

I got here the advise. I am smart enough to recognize good advise when I see it and the timeline, the NC email and quit the gym were very logic and good advises. I have kept in posting here after all the bashing because I have also got great advise.

 

No one in my circle knew about my affair, maybe he told some women in the gym the same way he told me about them... but no one knew it from my side.

 

I am reading "how to help your spouse to heal from your affair" by Linda MacDonald and I have also got from my counselor "The gifts of imperfection" by Brene Brown

Edited December 9, 2016 by homealone123

[Owl6118]

Good morning Ha123. I am glad you had a good rest.

 

Yes, of course I simplify. But that it because I am trying to get you out of your compartmented thinking to see some of the simple big truths your husband will see very clearly. And again, my advice to you started with the word humility, with the idea of radical humility. Of being really, really humbled and less certain about old certainties about who you were. Trying new perspectives to see what they can teach you because your old ones... well, they got you here where you are, right?

 

Look at it from your husbands point of view. Here is shorter HA123 this morning: "Husband, thoights and behavior are complex. If you could appreciate the nuance and complexity of the interplay of thoughts and behavior, you will come to see as clearly as I do that you are and always were the love of my life despite my actions." You can try it, but again, I don't predict a good outcome.

[aliveagain]

The men that I have known that slept with married women like your affair partner liked to brag about their conquests. I would bet that he not only told the other women he was banging about you but also other men who go to that gym. One of the things that really hurt me about my ex's 2 year affair was finding out just how much of my personal and financial information she shared with her affair partner. Have you talked about your husband or children with your affair partner? You will have to explain the fact that you didn't end your affair until you were caught and why going forward you will be a safe partner if he gives you the gift of reconciliation. Who was the aggressor, who chased who? Be prepared for the potential of divorce as part of a second chance.

[troubadour]

 

....the truth is that I kept doing it because I liked it and because I thought I would not get caught (hence not consequences) and because I have compartmentalized it. Mix it with an incredible feeling of entitlement which I don't understand... and there it is the reason.

 

 

 

The truth is quite simple, isn't it? No need for earth shattering "WHYs".

[Giacomo67]

wow..... just wow!

I just read almost all of your update, and it seems to me that you are my ex that is writing!

The difference is tha my ex had an affair for a couple of months (you 2 years!). If it wasnt because of this it would seem to me my ex talking.

 

She said that it was going to end before I caught her, so who knows if that is true.

So i think that I should thank you..... your answers took every dought i had

[homealone123]

Good morning Ha123. I am glad you had a good rest.

 

Yes, of course I simplify. But that it because I am trying to get you out of your compartmented thinking to see some of the simple big truths your husband will see very clearly. And again, my advice to you started with the word humility, with the idea of radical humility. Of being really, really humbled and less certain about old certainties about who you were. Trying new perspectives to see what they can teach you because your old ones... well, they got you here where you are, right?

 

Look at it from your husbands point of view. Here is shorter HA123 this morning: "Husband, thoights and behavior are complex. If you could appreciate the nuance and complexity of the interplay of thoughts and behavior, you will come to see as clearly as I do that you are and always were the love of my life despite my actions." You can try it, but again, I don't predict a good outcome.

 

Maybe I am blind to it Owl but I don't see how me staying that I always loved my husband is in any way a lack of humility. I won't minimize what I have done, I won't justify it anymore for the fact that I loved him. Compartmentalizing made me separate the love I felt from my husband from the lust I felt for teh OM. I separated my self in two different persons, the loving wife and the betrayer WS and I could just change from one to another like someone changes clothes... what I need to destroy now is the barrier between the two characters, I was both, the loving wife and the betrayer, both were me, one only person. To stop the compartmentalization I should begin to accept who I was but not only the betrayer ... also the loving mother and wife. I need to see them together and understand how I could be both... It will be a lot of work till I get there... I think I am far from understanding it.., But I am trying.

 

The men that I have known that slept with married women like your affair partner liked to brag about their conquests. I would bet that he not only told the other women he was banging about you but also other men who go to that gym. One of the things that really hurt me about my ex's 2 year affair was finding out just how much of my personal and financial information she shared with her affair partner. Have you talked about your husband or children with your affair partner? You will have to explain the fact that you didn't end your affair until you were caught and why going forward you will be a safe partner if he gives you the gift of reconciliation. Who was the aggressor, who chased who? Be prepared for the potential of divorce as part of a second chance.

 

I never thought about him bragging about our affair... but I guess that is on him. I don't know who he told and as long as my husband doesn't ask I won't contact the OM to ask him.

 

He chased me for months, at the beginning it was fun to have him interested for me, but it was innocent (or so I thought at that moment)... One day it stopped being innocent

 

I never talked about my husband, finances etc with the OM... we talked most of the time about the sport and other not really deep subjects... there was not much deepness to find in him anyway.

 

The truth is quite simple, isn't it? No need for earth shattering "WHYs".

 

The truth is simple but the why I allowed myself to get there, why allowed myself to hurt my husband, why allowed myself to risk his health, why allowed myself to risk the happiness of my kids... I think those why's are important.

 

wow..... just wow!

I just read almost all of your update, and it seems to me that you are my ex that is writing!

The difference is tha my ex had an affair for a couple of months (you 2 years!). If it wasnt because of this it would seem to me my ex talking.

 

She said that it was going to end before I caught her, so who knows if that is true.

So i think that I should thank you..... your answers took every dought i had

 

Your ex and I are different persons... I would not judge her for what I say here... That kind of generalizations are not going to help you.

Edited December 9, 2016 by homealone123

[Furious]

Good morning Ha123. I am glad you had a good rest.

 

Yes, of course I simplify. But that it because I am trying to get you out of your compartmented thinking to see some of the simple big truths your husband will see very clearly. And again, my advice to you started with the word humility, with the idea of radical humility. Of being really, really humbled and less certain about old certainties about who you were. Trying new perspectives to see what they can teach you because your old ones... well, they got you here where you are, right?

 

Look at it from your husbands point of view. Here is shorter HA123 this morning: "Husband, thoights and behavior are complex. If you could appreciate the nuance and complexity of the interplay of thoughts and behavior, you will come to see as clearly as I do that you are and always were the love of my life despite my actions." You can try it, but again, I don't predict a good outcome.

 

 

The resistance to disagree with sincere posters and the insistence to disagree and paint the advice as not up to par with her views shows that she's not getting it.

 

She lashes back, she calls out good advice as being judgemental or lame or whatever. She projects and it's obvious she understands herself quite well and understands her 'why" and doesn't feel she needs to change her mindset but is really only looking for advice that will offer her better odds at keeping her husband from divorcing her. She really believes her love will overcome anything she puts her husband through. It's still a self centered objective and she will fight to put HER life back in order.

 

It's as though she does not realize her husband is not an extension of herself, that his identity is moulded to her orbit and she can not wrap her mind around that the concept that he has thrown her out instead of blaming himself and begging for her to come back.

 

I think what is shocking her the most is she has lost control. People who live double lives, lie and deceive, and cake eat do not take kindly to losing the game they played.

 

It's obvious her first objective is herself and to save herself, it's really about herself still and not her husband. Her amazing love will fix him, or so she thinks.

Edited December 9, 2016 by Furious

[homealone123]

The resistance to disagree with sincere posters and the insistence to disagree and paint the advice as not up to par with her views shows that she's not getting it.

 

She lashes back, she calls out good advice as being judgemental or lame or whatever. She projects and it's obvious she understands herself quite well and understands her 'why" and doesn't feel she needs to change her mindset but is really only looking for advice that will offer her better odds at keeping her husband from divorcing her. She really believes her love will overcome anything she puts her husband through. It's still a self centered objective and she will fight to put HER life back in order.

 

It's as though she does not realize her husband is not an extension of herself, that his identity is moulded to her orbit and she can not wrap her mind around that the concept that he has thrown her out instead of blaming himself and begging for her to come back.

 

I think what is shocking her the most is she has lost control. People who live double lives, lie and deceive, and cake eat do not take kindly to losing the game they played.

 

It's obvious her first objective to for herself to save herself, it's really about herself still and not her husband. Her amazing love will fix him, or so she thinks.

 

Well Furious... I guess you feel inclined to keep helping me with your unsolicited wisdom. I can see the why you chose your nick name in this board...you are indeed an angry person.

 

I do not think my love will save my husband, I don't think I can save my husband at all... he is not broken... he is hurting, I am the one that is broken.

I want to help him to heal and I definitely want to save my marriage but not to the cost to his health or integrity, anyhow if you think my husband will allow that is only because you don't know him, he is hurting but he is strong, he is stronger that me and stronger than anyone that I have ever met. He will make his analysis and decide if he wants to reconcile with me or not and he will do one or the other because he thinks is the best for him and the family.

 

Not agreeing with everything the posters post here... or not taking your advise as wisdom doesn't make me a monster either. Advise is offered not imposed ... if you know what that means.

 

I will listen to all the advise that I get and choose which of it I will take to save my marriage and to help my husband to heal.

[GoldenR]

Good morning, HA -

 

Since you're moving back home this weekend, you reeeeally need to be prepared for the "no right answer" questions. The questions that H will ask , that no matter your answer, you'll get verbally attacked for. They will get asked, and they will be "no win" questions. But you will have to answer them, and you'll have to take the verbal backlash that will come after your answer, regardless of what the answer is. It will be brutal. It will be the same questions, again and again and again and again. It's part of R. And R won't happen without this happening.

 

The questions will diminish with time....months, years. And the backlash to your answers will lessen until there's no retort, again over months, years. But these first several months are going to be gut-wrenching.

 

Wishing you the best.