I cheated, now my life is destroyed. (long )

[BluesPower]

For the love of everything holy, PLEASE stop bashing the OP.

 

Listen guys, if you want to bash someone, bash someone like me. I have betrayed many women including my wife and I was old enough to know better.

 

Look, HomeAlone made a horrible, horrible mistake. She really sounds like she is trying to understand how bad a mistake.

 

She will not understand that actually for years. She is just getting started with all of this. She screwed up, with out a doubt.

 

We all know from our perspective how long it takes to understand all the implications of an affair. My wife cheated on me 26 years ago and then again 15 years ago and I am still pissed about it. I should have divorced her but I loved her.

 

I absolutely loved my wife when I was cheating and I never loved any of the women that I cheated with. I did not like my wife at all, but I loved her.

 

HA and her husband have a long way to go. They can't even see how long the road is yet. They actually won't see it for a long time.

 

If her H gives her a chance, where is she going to get better ongoing advice than LS?

 

If we scare her off, what good will that do. Does anyone remember the thread about the guys who's wife was gangbanging at least 3 guys for years. He got so fed up with the bashing that he left.

 

We did nothing to help him by bashing him.

 

Op, I think, is doing the best she can. Can't some of you guys see that we need to be gentle with her?

 

I believe that she is doing her best to understand as much as she can and I think we need to give her a break.

[Hobart_Carboys]

Your husband has been extremely disrespected, humiliated. You did things in secret, in order to control things. If you were he, what would you want him to do? I would want you to humiliate yourself for me, that's what. Otherwise, I would never not want to be happy with you ever again. I would want things made equal between us. You need to confess every single painful humiliating embarrassing detail, such as the other man was better-looking, younger, more exciting and you both talked about your husband and you need to tell your husband all these things so that he himself can deal with what your feelings had been and what your feelings are now. So, one thing you might do is take your husband to the cheater's place of business and in front of your husband explain to the man what you did, why, and how that man is completely worthless to you and was at that time. No doubt you made love to him because he is better looking than your husband? You need to rectify every detail in some way, some authentic true way, do you understand? Use your imagination and memory to arrive at what will completely renew the balance.

 

My wife cheated, lied, deceived, but she never confessed nor rectified anything, and in several cases she thought and still thinks I don't know what she did--but I do. I feel the balance has been set aright--by my knowing what she doesn't know. Because while she was cheating she kept me in the dark and controlled and manipulated by her lies. Now, it's I who know and it's she who is in the dark. I fell out of love with her. It was a wonderful feeling that--being out of love with her and not caring a fig.

 

You come into the light and be there with your husband--if he wants. Do anything he asks of you anytime from now. You should grow together, not grow apart. It's about shared secrets, intimacy, emotional closeness. Otherwise, marriage is nothing, just the habit of kids, food, and accomodations.

[homealone123]

Something about this thread/case seems to have really pulled a lot of the experienced site users. The quantity and quality of input is impressive. It is almost like a summary compendium of wisdom, observations, warnings, and input of a wide variety of previous threads on this site that I have browsed through over the years. I think I remember HA123 saying she has been following this site for a while. She seems to be fairly informed as the proper sequence of events and responses. A lot of what she says is following the script for the best way for WS to navigate through D-Day and the following time and events. In some ways she may be a bit to informed and prepped for this. She is following the script the best she can. Maybe too well.

 

Possible a bit too prepared.... If she was a bit too prepared for this....

Some of the true honest, spontaneous, emotional, empathetic responses that the BS might be needing to see and feel coming from the WS might not be happening in a truly believable way.

Some of her reply's and responses appear to be a bit to well rehearsed, polished, scripted... I mean he is shock mode... and she is responding with almost well scripted carefully worded replies and statements. I think if this is the case, he will notice it, and it will be one more issue that he will be weighing the situation with when he is contemplating how to proceed with things.

 

This period of separation and detachment that the BS has implemented, is also a significant factor and issue. I suppose I can remember one or two threads that this was somewhat successful for relationship recovery. Then again, there were also a couple of threads that the imposed separation period by the man seemed to have lead to the door to recovery being closed and locked.

 

I was here for first time 2 months into my affair... I wanted to confess or at least to stop my affair. I researched the internet and I came across this website, I didn't dare to post then but I did read some threads. I have since then been here almost every time after I had sex with the OM and if I think this site helped me to at least not going back to the OM every week.

I have never hidden that I was here before...

[QuietDan]

Reading any of the Infidelity threads on this site, educates a person pretty fast about the potential emotional, mental, even to some degree physical harm a WS is probably potentially going to be inflicting onto the loyal BS by having an affair or cheating.

I suppose after two years and counting, it probable occurred to her some point along the time line that her husband might eventually find out. Yet, she continued in spite of the risk. Then, for what ever reason, due to curiosity or guilt, came across this site. Started read and get familiar with all of it. Yet, now informed and knowledgeable about the potential consequence continued with her behavior/affair.

A one night stand, a short intense emotional, alcohol, hormone driven spontaneous event is one thing. (Something like drinking and driving I suppose) A bit of reckless endangerment of others.

This is like, knowing the risks, putting the peddle to the metal, and racing through the a neighborhood at a high rate of speed after looking at a site of car accident carnage victims. Once an innocent victim that was in the street that didn't have time to get out of the way, the car is parked by the curb, the driver sits waiting for the police with prepared answers. Officer, I don't know why I did it. I guess I'm broken. I promise never to do it again. You can trust me. Let me prove it. I've done so many other good things. I was only driving... or It was only Sex.

[QuietDan]

Is it possible you have some really deep seated anger and resentment issues that you might not want to even admit to yourself that you have towards your husband and you really do want to hurt him? This is intentional self destruction behavior.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I was here for first time 2 months into my affair... I wanted to confess or at least to stop my affair. I researched the internet and I came across this website, I didn't dare to post then but I did read some threads. I have since then been here almost every time after I had sex with the OM and if I think this site helped me to at least not going back to the OM every week.

I have never hidden that I was here before...

 

Wait a minute...

 

You have been coming here reading threads for 2 years... and the entire time you were engaged in an affair?

 

If for two years you read all the heart break... and advice this place has to offer yet none of it affected you... none of it caused you to rethink or to stop...

 

What makes you think that now miraculously it will help you?

 

I am completely confused...

 

Details in your story keep changing and the longer it goes on the worse it seems to be getting.

 

If I am confused... I can only imagine how hurt and confused your husband will be when he finds out that you have been researching affairs the entire time you were having one and yet... you did not stop.

 

Wow

[Whoknew30]

Think a little and you will see the answer. You have already explained this in your first post. When you dwell on something for as long as you did, it changes your outlook on things and the way you interact with people. You chose to hold your family accountable for your lost youth so your feeling changed towards them accordingly.

 

 

I believe you love your family, but you are not in love with your husband. With you holding him responsible for your unhappiness and discontent, how could you be in love with him. You never felt any guilt for what you were doing. You are only unset now because you lost your family not because you feel guilty for cheating. I think the lack of guilt says everything about how you feel towards your husband.

 

 

Also the way you are answering on here. I don't know who you have for a shrink but I think I would be finding another.

 

Unless one has been in a relationship with someone since a kid...it's extremely difficult to understand.

 

Most people date as a teen into their adult hood & have different experiences, that they learn from so when they eventually settle down & get married, they're not only going into with with life experience but also (in most cases) dealing with a spouse that has also gone through life experiences. When a young couple is "thrown" into the responsibility of all of a sudden being parents & spouses, with lack of "average" adult experience & actually becoming your adult selves together...it's an extremely difficult road. Most people can't even begin to imagine themselves with such responsibilities & or still being with their first boy/girlfriend.

 

Sometimes love does not conquer the feelings & emotion of "what if" when someone never had the chance to go out & reality live life in their own. It can & does cause resentment even if one loves their spouse...does it make it right to cheat, no but IMO it's a different playing field than those that had got to live a life on their own before getting married & having a family.

[Whoknew30]

Wait a minute...

 

You have been coming here reading threads for 2 years... and the entire time you were engaged in an affair?

 

If for two years you read all the heart break... and advice this place has to offer yet none of it affected you... none of it caused you to rethink or to stop...

 

What makes you think that now miraculously it will help you?

 

I am completely confused...

 

Details in your story keep changing and the longer it goes on the worse it seems to be getting.

 

If I am confused... I can only imagine how hurt and confused your husband will be when he finds out that you have been researching affairs the entire time you were having one and yet... you did not stop.

 

Wow

 

I did this too during my A...not on this sight but others. Reading on A still doesn't give the full effect until one actually deals with the outcome themselves. Some people learn by watching & listening & some, the hard way by having to go through it themselves.

[MrBojangles]

I was here for first time 2 months into my affair... I wanted to confess or at least to stop my affair. I researched the internet and I came across this website, I didn't dare to post then but I did read some threads. I have since then been here almost every time after I had sex with the OM and if I think this site helped me to at least not going back to the OM every week.

I have never hidden that I was here before...

 

HA123, have you considered that your BH may also be a member here also? After all, he did plant a VAR in your car and scrutinize your phone records.... which are very often recommended pieces of advice here in the Infidelity forum to suspicious SOs'....

 

What happens when you move back hom with your BH, and he demands all of your passwords, and access to all of your internet activity? How will he react when he reads your thread here, and discovers details about your affair with OM that your omitted?

[aliveagain]

Is it possible that your husband has know for some time about your second life? Is it possible he was getting his ducks in a row while you continued your cheating lifestyle? There was another poster on here some time ago who started posting about her affair before she was caught. We advised her to confess her affair before she was caught and that things wouldn't go as well for her if she was caught and that those that confessed had a better chance of reconciliation. Her husband called her hotel room while she and her other man were away on business(they worked together) and other man answered the phone at 1 or 2 am in the morning while they were both in the same bed. I think her name is "Sofie." This might be a good thread for ha123 to read because Mr. Sofie did not behave the way Sofie thought he would. Can anyone post a link to that thread for ha123?

[Jersey born raised]

Hi HA123,

 

I can see a person acting the way you did. It is almost predictable. What do you think is going though your husband mind right now, you sons? Those are the questions that should occupy the majority of your thoughts and time right now. I impact on your sons is immense. Do you want them to grow up to be like your husband or the OM?

 

Perhaps a new thread with a link to this one for reference? You heard about woman with "daddy issues" well are deeply influenced by both their parents.

[MidnightBlue1980]

 

What happens when you move back hom with your BH, and he demands all of your passwords, and access to all of your internet activity? How will he react when he reads your thread here, and discovers details about your affair with OM that your omitted?

 

Yeah. This. Eventually you always slip up and I left the window minimized on my computer and I came home to my husband asking me, what is this? It was not a revelation for him as he knew about my A but he does not like this page at all, thinks it is very unhealthy, a bunch of people talking about their affairs, like AA without the bad coffee. He thinks it keeps one stuck in the past. He doesn't know I still come here. I use the Incognito Window which does not keep your browsing history.

[usa1ah]

I don't agree with that a motive for an A can't be a relationship issue...ok you have a couple that's in a bad place, all they do is fight. If you don't think that opens a HUGE door for someone else to prey on that kind of vulnerability? Will some people have A just bc they want to, of course but there are some that thought never in a million years would they & they find themselves in the middle of a bad relationship or really bad time in their relationship & it wether one knows it or not, a bad relationship vulnerable to an A.

 

 

 

Then have the morals to leave instead of being a snake and cheating. There is never an excuse to cheat, only poor morals.

[doyathinkso]

Finally if 17 is your number, then stick to it. Without truth we always fail.

 

 

 

And if it is not really 17, ..... do you want to make that your hill to die on?

[usa1ah]

We can agree we disagree... you can't accept that I only wanted sex with that man and I can't make you believe something you don't want to believe so... what is the point of the discussion?

OM meant nothing for me, I can forget about him without any pain, without missing him or feeling any kind of sadness that he won't be in my future. He just happened to be there... it could have been any attractive man... I am broken and I wanted it to happen...

 

 

 

I am broken is an excuse.

 

 

You wanted it is the truth.

 

 

You chose to do it because you wanted it.

 

 

You chose not to improve the love making with your husband.

 

 

You chose to seek sex with another man.

 

 

You chose to be self centered and say to **** with your family.

[GoldenR]

Was the A escalating again? I mean, it tapered off after the initial two months, as you had said that 11 of the 17 were in the first two months. Then in the last week there were two more times, once when BIL saw you, once when you got caught by H. So that means just 4 times in the previous 21 months, but then twice more in the last week. Seems like you were starting the A up regularly again.

[ShatteredLady]

OP you didn't always have sex, just 'sometimes'. Can I ask WHY THOSE TIMES?

 

If your sexual relations with the OM were so rare WHY had things heated-up to such an extent recently that your BIL caught you & then your BS caught you so easily once he was watching?

 

This is something as a victim of infidelity I would be thinking after hearing your story. It seems very coincidental that if sex was such a rare occurrence it happened so frequently ONLY once his suspicions were raised.

 

Also....What did your BIL SEE you doing with the OM publicly that made him so certain that you were committing adultery? I assume it was some public display of affection....but it was JUST SEX?

 

 

I was feeling very sympathetic towards you. I even 'liked' Blues post that asked members to stop bashing you....I was considering posting similar....BUT the questions above when combined with the fact that you were reading the absolute AGONY that bleeds from the BS's here & yet it didn't give you pause for thought!! It made you INCREASE the frequency of sex with the OM & behave more recklessly...doing things in PUBLIC that your brother in law could see!!

 

I'm confused!

[Whoknew30]

Then have the morals to leave instead of being a snake and cheating. There is never an excuse to cheat, only poor morals.

 

Once again unless you've been in this situation starting as a kid, you won't ever be able to understand. When you get married young, your marriage just isn't yours...it's attached to everyone around you bc you started off young. Like my H & I family have been very tied up in our marriage bc we were kids when we married, so it's not as easy as saying "I want a divorce" you grew as adults together, EVERYTHING is intertwined way more so then starting off in marriage as an actual adult...like I said unless one has been through a teen marriage, you can have an opinion but you can't understand.

[gingandowithlife]

How are you today? I hope you have been able to calm down and your kids are not seeing anymore of your sadness.

 

My life changed like yours 1.5 yrs ago - I also have 2 kids

I remember how stressful it was the first 3 months and how scared I was..

 

I lost a lot of hair due to stress, so please remember to take care of yourself. Losing hair was horrible!

 

No one told me that would happen... Drink lots of water, keep exercising ( i started doing solo workouts at a gym, no more rodas) eat well, sleep lots - I am telling you, so please listen to me - Try to keep your body healthy and not stressed. It is not good for you and not good for your kids.

 

I do not know what to tell you about your husband - I separated and never looked back , we are now in a friendly mom/dad sharing custody relationship. He is very happy dating new girls and I found a handsome boyfriend.

[gingandowithlife]

Oh wow, we posted at the same time - You may not see my reply

Hugs to you and all the best xo

[katielee]

homealone - you just have to tune out the loud voices who project their own hurt onto your thread. I have to defend myself here as well. Anytime I start my own thread. You KNOW the people to listen to. They are not sugar coating it. But they are not rude either. There is no reason to treat others (including WS) disrespectfully.

I encourage you to stay and maybe just use the PM to talk to those you want to.

[Whoknew30]

Go read it again...

 

She was happy

 

She did not know she was unhappy with the sex she had with her husband... until she screwed the other man and he awakened in her great desire and brought her to great heights of ecstasy

 

She only had the affair for sex... she loved her husband and was happy in her marriage... she became unhappy with the sex once she experienced sex with the other man

 

I did & she said she felt resentment from losing her youth before A ever started...it's in her Starting thread paragraph. She's a little all over the place, which means she's confused & that's ok bc she's being honest & attempting to figure it out. Some people it takes time to actually figure out how they feel or why they did what they did. Took my H a long time to be able to do get there, he actually kept saying he was happy until months of therapy to comprehend he was not, which is why he did what he did.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I did & she said she felt resentment from losing her youth before A ever started...it's in her Starting thread paragraph. She's a little all over the place, which means she's confused & that's ok bc she's being honest & attempting to figure it out. Some people it takes time to actually figure out how they feel or why they did what they did. Took my H a long time to be able to do get there, he actually kept saying he was happy until months of therapy to comprehend he was not, which is why he did what he did.

 

Well I wish her the best of luck and I hope she can find what she's looking for.

[Satu]

I think its good to get all viewpoints, including the ones that sounds harsh.

 

After all, that is a reflection of the wider world.

 

As above, so below.

 

 

Take care, all.

[Jersey born raised]

I think what a lot of posters missed was she has been thinking about this for awhile, that she was not so deeply in the fog as most WS are at this point. It took a long time for me not to binge drink. I never drank at home, I hate mixing food and booze. Put me in a bar, I drink it empty. I finally said enough and just refused to go a bar for a decade. Turned out to be a very good thing as in my late thirties developed diabetes so many of the life style changes needed where in place.