I cheated, now my life is destroyed. (long )

[Satu]

OP:

 

2 years...

 

I do not believe that you are truly repentant about what you've done.

 

You're faking it.

 

You're just bothered by the change in your circumstances.

[harrybrown]

try and put yourself in your husband's place.

 

He has had an A for two years.

 

How does that make you feel?

 

start thinking about his pain and your boys. I do hope you tell the gym where the OM works.

 

did you use protection for the two years? have you been tested for stds?

 

if you really put yourself in your H's place and see what you would want from him if the roles were reversed.

 

He does not feel like a man. his self esteem is crushed. You did this for two years. How could you have relations for that long and come home as if all was fine.

 

 

hopefully, this walking in his shoes could help you see his point of view.

 

there is a place online called affair recovery.com. You could contact them to see if your H would ever be willing to get some help, if not for him, for your boys.

 

good luck to your family.

[Marc878]

The whole truth if he asks. Lying more at this time will just make it worse if that's possible.

[eightytwenty]

2 years!!!!!

 

 

 

 

Girl I almost felt sorry for you, until it came out you've been doing this for 2 YEARS!!!!

 

 

I hope you leave the poor man alone, he deserves someone that will love AND treat him right...

 

 

Your sons will get over it, if you've always been a great mom to them. It'll take time but that's the only relationship I would fight for.

[GoldenR]

I'll tell you what he thinks....every single time that you texted OM, or called him, held his hand, kissed him, had sex with him and the other acts that came with the sex, every single time you did any of those things, you chose OM over your H and over your family. And saying you didn't won't stop him from thinking that. Your actions speak for themselves.

 

You say you want R, but you have to ask if you should lie regarding the details? smh....you don't want true R. You want your life back....the life that meant nothing to you for two years. Save him the heartache that's surely to come with R. Divorce him. You didn't confess....he caught you. Caught you after two years, which tells me that you're only sorry you got caught. You're sorry that your security may be gone.

[Cephalopod]

Be prepared...

 

If you did things sexually for the OM that you refused to do, or never would do for your husband, then it will not go well for you. Just saying. If you participated in group sex with the OM with other men, you need to fess up to that also. It will make any chance at R that much harder. But better you tell him anyway so that he has all the information. Trickle truth is the worst thing you can do. Trickle truth destroys more chances for reconciliation than anything else. It is best to unload everything at once.

 

Lust seems to be the primary reason for your affair. You were attracted to the OM and you gave into that lust. Are you no longer physically attracted to your husband? Do you find him repugnant?

 

[]

 

Write him out a detailed timeline that includes everything.

Edited December 6, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merge and edit for content

[Owl6118]

I have another question for you all, if he ask about the details, if you would know there are things you have done that would make what you have done worse, would you keep them for yourself or would you share them? I am afraid some of the details could become the last reason he needs to not even try to reconcile.

 

Well, thank you all for your help.

 

Well, look at it this way.

 

In future years, when your sons look you in the eye and ask you about this time, as they will at some point, do you want to be able to say that after your choices and secrets came to light, you committed to being a person of integrity? Or would you rather tell them that even now you continued to be the person you have been for the last two years--someone who tells the people closest to her only as much of the truth as is to her advantage, and lies by omission or lies directly about the rest?

 

You are choosing, right now, who you want to be in the world. And what model you want to set. You are revealing, minute by minute and choice by choice, who the person is that your sons and husband really have in their life. What she is made of. What her character is in adversity.

[road]

 

I have another question for you all, if he ask about the details, if you would know there are things you have done that would make what you have done worse, would you keep them for yourself or would you share them? I am afraid some of the details could become the last reason he needs to not even try to reconcile.

 

Well, thank you all for your help.

 

The BH needs to control what he needs to know. Let his questions guide what details you tell your BH. So do not lie. Do not lie by omission, leaving out details is lying.

 

 

Now you said the affair was just sex. So I have to assume the sex was great because you kept having sex with the OM for two years.

 

 

BH- did you enjoy the sex with the OM

WW- yes

 

 

BH did not ask details or how good the sex was. This is letting the BH control the info reveals.

 

 

BH- was the sex with the OM better then with me

WW- I enjoyed sex with the OM, for sex is fun so I enjoyed it? I would not say it was better it was different.

 

 

Is something every BH is going to have a hard time believing.

 

 

If sex was better with the OM the best answer is yes it was better with the OM............. Notice the WW did not say why the sex with the OM was better. She is again letting the BH think about if he wants more details. For once a BH hers something he can never un-hear it.

 

 

The BH did not ask how big the OM's equipment was, how long he could last, how many times the OM could do it. So the WW leaves those details out. This is being honest without being brutal. It is letting the BH control the flow of details being revealed.

 

 

BH- was the sex better because the OM was bigger.

WW- (if true she has to say yes) Yes................ she can add though that a big tool is not a requirement to have good sex for she BH always was good in bed.

 

 

BH- Did you do things with them OM that you did not do with me.

WW yes

 

 

Again truthful but letting the BH control the pace.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Two years is a very long time to live in secrecy...to continually lie....two years is a long time to have a purely physical relationship with a man...and have no feelings for him..I hope you are being very honest with yourself about this.

 

I will caution you about a mistake that i made. If your husband asks you a question...you owe it to him to answer the question. But please be careful about details.

 

I gave way too much information way too fast. I did not wait for his lead...I just poured out my heart.

 

Allow him time to process...and allow him to lead the conversation. Allow him to ask what he wants to know. Leave out all of the details of sexual activity UNLESS he specifically asks you. In other words...don't tell him positions and physical details etc. He will ask if he needs to know. If you just blab it all to him...you can never take those details back...and it can be those very details that cause him to hurt many many years later.

 

So keep nothing from him if he asks....but don't give too many details that he doesn't ask for.

[drifter777]

We haven't had a thread this salacious in some time so you are going to get a LOT of feedback from a lot of posters. You have to be selective since you can't read every post - just be sure you don't skip over the ones from former wandering wives as these women can give you the best advice.

 

One thing I will offer is this: STOP saying that "It was only sex"!!! What you obviously don't understand is that for men IT IS ALL ABOUT THE SEX! Most men, including me, would not have had near the problem reconciling if his wife had a strictly emotional thing with some guy. It's the sex that is destroying him now and it's mind-movies of the sex that will torture him forever.

 

Based on what you have described your husband is definitely not the kind of man for whom "sex is just sex" so I really don't think there is much chance of a successful reconciliation. If you want to start being kind to him please never say that it was only sex again. The other thing you can do to help him is not have any contact with him. For a long time.

[BluesPower]

You have gotten some good advice already. You need to heed it. I mean you really need to heed it deep in your soul. Even the ones that hurt you to read.

 

You have to go to IC which you are so that is good.

 

I am a BS and a WS and I have been on both sides of this issue. Mr. and Mrs. Adams both had affairs and have been reconciled for over 30 years. Listen especially to them.

 

DTK3 has been through this as well, and unfortunately, he is often right about this type of stuff.

 

I want to give you some advice. Right now, you don't even realize what you have done. You don't even begin to realize what you have done to your husband. You think he is upset now, guess what, he is still in shock.

 

He is still in shock over your betrayal and DISRESPECT. The DISRESPECT is actually going to be a big deal. I was the same as your husband. I worked like a dog to take care of my family and my wife and besides her affairs she has done much worse to me.

 

You have to put everything that you think about yourself away. You think you are a horrible person for what you have done, forget it, you cannot even begin to understand what you have done yet.

 

You need to spend every waking moment that you have on the internet reading here and reading everything that everyone tells you to read. Other sites as well.

 

And like some was said, DO NOT EVER SAY IT WAS JUST ABOUT SEX EVER. You H would rather here that you loved the guy and he already knows that you had sex with another man for 2 years.

 

You are going to have to humble yourself like you did not even know was possible.

 

Do not give any reasons for why you did what you did. Your H needs to ask the questions if he talks to you at all.

 

I got to say dear, that it does not look good, at all. Your husband seems like a strong man and he may stick to his word and divorce you. If that happens I am sorry.

 

It is possible that you guys could reconcile.

 

Regardless, of what your husband does, if you ever want a chance to be with your family again, then you have to do everything right for the right reasons. The book about helping your spouse heal is a good one and many of the other ones that people will recommend. READ THEM ALL.

 

If you work on yourself, and your stupid resentment that you had for your hard working husband in # 1 to get rid of, and do everything that you can possibly do to help him get over this... There is the slightest chance that you may be able to reconcile.

 

No matter how long this takes, DO NOT START DATING ANYONE FOR ANY REASON AT ALL.

 

I am sorry that this has happened...

 

Your husband and anything you can do to help him heal is our primary responsibility. NOT YOUR KIDS, NOT YOU, NOT YOUR FIRENDS, just your husband.

 

Just your husband...

[MidnightBlue1980]

Home Alone,

 

I am also a WS except the roles were reversed, I was the one working 60 hours a week and he was the SAHD. My H also had an A as well. We reconciled. Interestingly, when the man stays home with the kids, everyone told him it was his fault I had an affair, that the man needs to work. I personally do not agree with that but the way people view these things is interesting. It's changed my whole outlook on one person staying at home while the other works.

 

Since I come from a different experience, I have some thoughts.

 

First, it's unusual for a woman to have a sex only affair. After 2 years, one would be heavily invested in the OM, especially since he was not married. Since he is a fitness instructor, I actually do believe you that it was just sex, plus you did not mention much of anything about him (usually women go on and on about their love for their AP).

 

Since it was just sex, it is possible you did this subconsciously to bring about the end to your marriage? Maybe you were unhappy for a long time, wanted something for yourself? I say this because it sounds like your husband is out the door (sorry) and I want you to think about, maybe this is what you really wanted - a change - and you brought it about in obviously a bad way? this is something you can talk about in IC - do you actually want to save the marriage?

 

Second, I would see a lawyer yesterday. Lawyers will generally always tell you never to leave your house. Yes, I understand the affair part but depending on what state you are in, it can have a disastrous impact on you in court. You also don't know what your kids are thinking. I really do understand you want to do whatever you husband says now as you feel terrible, but you need to be sure your sons do not think you are abandoning them. The situation sounds pretty bad. Protect your rights. You are their mother.

[usa1ah]

This is easier then you think. By what you said yourself. You blamed your husband for taking your youth away from you. You didn't have the many partners like your girlfriends. You resented your husband for depriving you of your youth. You focused on it for so long that you finally had to act on it. OM was at the right place at the right time for your "second chance at youth".

Edited December 7, 2016 by usa1ah

[usa1ah]

 

I have another question for you all, if he ask about the details, if you would know there are things you have done that would make what you have done worse, would you keep them for yourself or would you share them? I am afraid some of the details could become the last reason he needs to not even try to reconcile.

 

Well, thank you all for your help.

 

If need to be honest with your answers. If he is willing to try and R and finds things out later. That will put a end to it. A wife on an other forum with held stuff and when the husband found out he filed for divorce.

[Buckeye2]

it was just sex (I also don't understand how I could risk that much for that little) it really was only sex, I am not attracted to OM at any other level than the physical one.

 

The above is what you would want to hear from your husband if he had an affair. What you are saying is that the relationship was never at risk.

 

One problem is that I think you assume that your husband has the same feelings and priorities that you do. To some people (usually women) the relationship is far more important that sexual faithfulness. Other people (usually men) are the reverse. In your first post you clearly thought that once your husband had a chance to calm down he would never end the marriage. You would probably forgive him for an affair but he doesn’t think like you.

 

When a woman is faithful to a man it makes her special in the man’s eyes and makes him feel special. This is even more true if she is his one and only. When he sees his wife and family it validates the choices he made in his life. Your husband was all in.

 

Now he discovers that all it takes is some kind words to get into your pants and he feels like a fool. Why couldn’t he trade places with the OM. The OM could take care of all the boring day to day crap and your husband could get the sex (probably better sex than he got). Hearing that it was only sex is what you would want to hear if the positions were reversed but that will not comfort your husband. He will think that you gave away your specialness for nothing important all.

Edited December 7, 2016 by Buckeye2

[Scarlett94]

I would not stay out of the house. I think you should move back in. Leaving can hurt you if he decides to divorce you. Plus you really should be around your children.

[William]

Folks, I did a minor cleanup due to a posting violating our guidelines on reference to past postings of fellow members, linked here:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/326395-you-right-forum-update-july-30-2013-a#post5090923

 

Please remain focused on the thread starter's relationship issue and, if referencing any past postings of the thread starter, only, be sure to quote them verbatim and link to them so they can be independently verified. Moderation, and the site owner, prefer that discussion remain focused on the here and now as brought to the forum by the starter of the discussion. Thanks!

 

Noting activity by another moderator, I do wish to remind members both of this content and to always retain the utmost respect and civility for fellow members because, one, our guidelines proscribe it and, two, once moderation gets involved and takes the time to process posts and issue directives, members go straight to moderation or suspension if they ignore us and the rules. We vastly prefer folks to retain their posting privileges so please keep this process in mind. Thanks and have a good evening!

[Mr. Lucky]

The above is what you would want to hear from your husband if he had an affair. What you are saying is that the relationship was never at risk.

 

Boy, is that a leap of faith. Next the OP is going to say something like "I never stopped loving my husband". Ouch...

 

homealone123, I wonder why you think your H should take you back? Not why you want to reconcile, I understand that. But why, after two years of sleeping with someone else, he would want to take you back ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[gettingstronger]

From what you've written your husband sounds like a problem solver. Faced with a pregnancy, he did what he needed to do to make it right, make a family. I'm afraid for you, that the marriage is now a problem to be solved and he's decided to end it. Telling everyone makes going back on his gut reaction really hard. Time and space is your best option. Let him come to you when he's ready. Be prepared for that to be never. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst. As far as what to tell him- yes, all of it...don't lie. He doesn't deserve that and if you hope to grow and learn it will be necessary for you as well.

 

While I understand you never intended to wreck your marriage, on some level you knew it was a possibility. If that does happen, you'll have to deal with it the best you can. Rally your troops, gather your strength- you're in for a long ride. Reconciliation is a 3-5 year process and it's hard work. Divorce and starting over will be at least that long.

[aliveagain]

before I knew it we were having sex. I knew what I was doing was wrong but I somehow justified myself because I didn’t have any feelings for the OM, it was only sex and it was a small compensation for all the experiences I had missed out in my youth. I wanted to stop the affair every week but the truth is that I didn’t stop till my husband found out 2 days ago.

 

I never expected my husband reaction

 

Please do not tell him it was only sex because he like most of the husbands on this site would risk their lives to protect that sex from being shared with another man. To many men sex is sacred and one of the most intimate and important parts of their relationship. To learn that the person they love gave it away freely to another man for 2 years is devastating and then to find out the thing that means so much to them isn't that important to their spouse will leave most men wondering what is important? If you put so little value on something that he puts so much value on, how can he feel safe with you in the future? In his eyes you allowed another man to stake his property, you didn't defend his rights when he wasn't there to do it himself. Some men never get over this so be prepared.

 

You never expected your husbands reaction, just what did you expect would happen? You need to look at these two items with the help of a trained professional, someone who is experienced with infidelity. As someone has already mentioned, you and your husband both need to be tested for STD's. You need to send the other man a no contact letter, give a copy to your husband and please don't say it was a mistake, mistakes don't happen every week for two years. If your husband asks you for details tell him the truth no matter how hard it is to tell, do not minimize and do not trickle truth him. It is now time to be honest because you have been living a lie with your husband and your boys for the last few years. Take your lead from him. If you did things with your other man that you didn't do with your husband you need to prepare on how you tell him this because that will hurt him very much. Talk to a consular on the best way to do this. Whatever you do stop lying to him.

[homealone123]

I am getting conflicting advise here and I don't really know how to proceed.

Many of you tell me not to say to my husband that my affair was about sex while others tell me to speak only the truth but... the truth is that my affair was about sex, my experience with sex was limited to my husband only till I started my affair and while my husband is very loving and considerate and I love having sex with him... he can't be compared with the OM when it comes to sex. I never had an orgasm from penetration till I met the OM, OM had more stamina and was much more creative and naughty than my husband ever was...

 

I don't know how telling all this to my husband would ever help him to be more happy or to deal with my affair. We are in society taught that the whole truth is not always the best answer, like no one will tell a mother that his child is ugly even when is the truth and there are many other examples when a lie can spare the feelings of the other person.

 

I had my first IC session today and my counselor also thinks that I should not tell everything to my husband, he thinks I should be honest about any kind of act that I have done or where I have been with OM or when but that I should not tell him things that would make him feel more emasculated and destroy his self worth (like how he compares with OM sexually speaking). I tend to think that what my common sense is telling me and the counselor advise is the way to go from here.

 

I had visited a friend who is also a lawyer and she has told me I should go back home immediately as falling on doing so will be seen as abandonment of my children and home duties and it will be damaging for me in a divorce process. I have the intention to go back home on Saturday but I want to give my husband and children some time to process everything that is happening.

 

I am still very confused and totally sorry for the mess I have created. I understand how people can doubt me when I say that I have never loved the OM but is the truth, I only ever loved a man and that is my husband, OM was practically a toy, he made me understand that I have been sexually dissatisfied for long time... I don't think it was my husband fault, I guess I even didn't know what I wanted till OM showed it to me.

 

My husband called me while writing this and he told me we needed to talk. I would have prefer that he would have taken some extra time to cool down but I will follow his pace and I will do everything in my power to help him.

[Cephalopod]

From what you have told us, it would appear you will never be sexually satisfied with your husband. Sex is important in a marriage, much more than people realize, and if your husband is not satisfying you then you are setting yourself up for more frustration and probably another affair down the road.

 

He knows you are not satisfied with him, and he will probably never forgive you for stealing two years of his life. He will never feel sexually comfortable with you ever again, so any chance he could have had to learn how to please you, if you had only been more communicative with him, has been destroyed.

 

You should let him go and find yourself a man with whom you are more sexually compatible. I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but there is really no way out of this situation without telling him the cold hard truth, because eventually he is going to ask. You won't have to volunteer it.

 

You need intense IC to figure out why you have issues communicating your needs...and why you thought it was perfectly acceptable to go outside your marriage to have those needs met. You lack boundaries. Develop some good, healthy boundaries, learn to communicate your needs, and you will be so much happier and better off in your relationships.

Edited December 7, 2016 by Cephalopod

[Mrs. John Adams]

You should proceed the way your lawyer and your therapists have advised you.

 

If these are the people you have chosen to help you...then trust them. If you get a gut feeling about either of them that says they are not the right people...find another. There are certainly bad therapists and bad lawyers.

 

Always tell your husband the truth...but only tell him the answers to the questions he asks.

 

For example...if he asks you ...do you love the OM...tell him the truth. But do not then volunteer it was just for sex. If he asks you...did you climax with penetration...then tell him the truth. But never compare...never. Only answer his questions with direct and honest questions. He will ask you what he needs to know.

 

I will add...this is forever. If 10 years from now the two of you are together....and he asks you a question...answer it.

 

Sometimes it takes a long time to process....sometimes questions come later.

 

ALWAYS be honest...but let him ask the questions.

[Buckeye2]

You never expected your husband’s reaction, just what did you expect would happen?

 

She expected that he would behave like she would have if the situation were reversed. She would be mad, take him to the woodshed and stay married because sex means nothing. The reason she would be mad would be not the sex itself but the threat the sex was to the relationship (i.e. her husband might fall in love and run off with the OW).

 

I knew what I was doing was wrong but I somehow justified myself because I didn’t have any feelings for the OM, it was only sex and it was a small compensation for all the experiences I had missed out in my youth.

 

The OP shouldn’t spend too much time trying to figure out why there are “broken” because they are not. They made a rational decision. It’s like they robbed a bank because that’s where the money is and never expected to be caught. You don’t have to have mental issues to do that. Also consciously or unconsciously they felt that they were working with a net if caught (i.e. they would ultimately be forgiven because the relationship was all important)

 

It’s like they bought a stock on the stock exchange that initially shot up in value. Then over two years it took a dip (husband was suspicious) but they didn’t sell it. Finally the bottom dropped out (they were caught). Now they wish that they never bought the stock. That is very rational.

[40somethingGuy]

I am getting conflicting advise here and I don't really know how to proceed.

Many of you tell me not to say to my husband that my affair was about sex while others tell me to speak only the truth but... the truth is that my affair was about sex, my experience with sex was limited to my husband only till I started my affair and while my husband is very loving and considerate and I love having sex with him... he can't be compared with the OM when it comes to sex. I never had an orgasm from penetration till I met the OM, OM had more stamina and was much more creative and naughty than my husband ever was...

 

I don't know how telling all this to my husband would ever help him to be more happy or to deal with my affair. We are in society taught that the whole truth is not always the best answer, like no one will tell a mother that his child is ugly even when is the truth and there are many other examples when a lie can spare the feelings of the other person.

 

I had my first IC session today and my counselor also thinks that I should not tell everything to my husband, he thinks I should be honest about any kind of act that I have done or where I have been with OM or when but that I should not tell him things that would make him feel more emasculated and destroy his self worth (like how he compares with OM sexually speaking). I tend to think that what my common sense is telling me and the counselor advise is the way to go from here.

 

I had visited a friend who is also a lawyer and she has told me I should go back home immediately as falling on doing so will be seen as abandonment of my children and home duties and it will be damaging for me in a divorce process. I have the intention to go back home on Saturday but I want to give my husband and children some time to process everything that is happening.

 

I am still very confused and totally sorry for the mess I have created. I understand how people can doubt me when I say that I have never loved the OM but is the truth, I only ever loved a man and that is my husband, OM was practically a toy, he made me understand that I have been sexually dissatisfied for long time... I don't think it was my husband fault, I guess I even didn't know what I wanted till OM showed it to me.

 

My husband called me while writing this and he told me we needed to talk. I would have prefer that he would have taken some extra time to cool down but I will follow his pace and I will do everything in my power to help him.

 

 

How did the affair happen as in how did it start out? Where would you meet to have sex? Also, have you ever talked to your H about spicing up your sex life? Maybe he is vanilla because you never communicated you want more?