I cheated, now my life is destroyed. (long )

[MidnightBlue1980]

I think this is a great question... and a very difficult to answer but I will try...

 

I think my husband should take me back because I am the mother of his 2 sons, because I took care of him when he laid in bed for 1.5 year after a work accident that damaged his back and while he learned to walk again I took care of the business while I was taking care of him and my two sons, because I was there when he lost his parents in a car accident, because we have been to hell and back together and we have always loved each other. There is so much more in my marriage than my affair, we have been together since we were teens.

 

I don't take him for granted and he doesn't owe me anything but if I have to give reason why he should those would be some of the answers

 

Then fight for your marriage. Fight tooth and nail for it. If it is too late, it is too late but at least you will know you tried. You should read DKG's story. His wife is on here somewhere.

 

If you want your husband and marriage, tell him that. Have you?

[katielee]

it is because someone's needs are not being met. .

 

I'm going to disagree with this. Many times in life we have pain, our needs aren't met, yes, but what anyone having an affair needs to get at is WHY AFFAIR? Why not something else, - like communicating with your spouse? What happens when needs aren't met again? Or pain? Or unfulfillment?

The idea is to deal with the pain in a constructive manner. Not destructively.

[Whatnotagain]

I think the OP has a female friend close to her, someone who was a lot more experienced than her sexually, someone who's had a lot more partners, that perhaps she envied. Maybe even someone who was a cheerleader for her actions. I'm guessing she wasn't going to the gym alone but with a friend and that friend knows all about this. That or she has seen too many episodes of the Kardashians.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Sweetheart, I am just going to be really honest. You are toast. There is no way that your H, who is a hardworking, loving husband and father, who just happens to be sexually inexperienced is ever, ever going to be able to get over this. I am sorry, but it is never going to happen.

 

You have gotten some good advice from a lot of people here, and the biggest is that you have to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth to the questions he is going to ask. If you don't, he will know that you are lying, all men know when their wives are lying, everyone.

 

Besides the fact that you have been having great sex 2 or 3 times a week with your OM, you have probably been giving pity sex to your husband, when he was energetic enough to have sex. You know the times that he was not completely exhausted from working his A** off providing for you and your children, so there is almost no coming back from that.

 

You bear some of the responsibility for the bad sex in the marriage just like your husband does. You knew you wanted more in the sex dept, did you do research on the internet to learn about sex? Did you talk to your husband? Did you talk to your GF's about their married sex lives? I am betting that you did not.

 

Here is what you are facing:

 

1) You were having wild monkey sex with OM for TWO YEARS.

 

2) Your hardworking, loving, small penis, short stamina husband was getting pity sex for 2 years. I am betting that during that whole time he never got so much a blow job and forget about any anal sex.

 

3) Instead of talking to your husband about your sexual needs and working on it with him, you chose to have an affair.

 

4) The sex with the in shape, bigger penis, longer lasting OM was the best that you have ever had in your entire life. You did things with him that you never ever dreamed of with your husband.

 

5) You are still in denial about what you have done to your H and your family. And, you are trying to figure out how much to lie when your husband asks questions about your affair in order to save you from divorce.

 

Babe, basically you have just screwed the pooch with all this!!!

 

If your husband was more experience there is the smallest chance that he could get over it, the smallest chance. But a guy that married his first love and had not been with any other women before, not a chance in hell.

 

If he ever did get over it, he would be the greatest man to ever live. A man among men. But he is just a hard working loving husband and father, so the chances of it happening are almost nil. If he ever took you back you should start every day by kissing his A** and giving him a great BJ.

 

Lets talk about you. I think you need to realize that the affair is only part of what spelled your doom.

 

Your inability to communicate how you were feeling to your husband is the key to the whole situation. Your immaturity and stupidity about being a SAHM and how much of a luxury that would be to so many women is another HUGE issue. It will be a huge luxury to your husband's next wife and maybe she won't throw it away.

 

What you need to do is to admit that you DO LOVE YOUR HUSBAND. You want to, you know it is wrong not to, but you really don't. And for that matter you never have, you just made the best of a bad situation.

 

The thing for you to do now is give him a break in the divorce, do not take everything that you can. Get a job and start supporting yourself. Be kind to your STBXH every time you see him for the rest of your life. Never utter a single bad word about him and tell everyone that you know what a fool you were.

 

I am so sorry, but without a miracle your life as you knew it is completely over.

 

Listen don't take the harsh comments to heart too much, you will get some of them. You are hearing a miniscule part of the pain that your husband is feeling. I am so sorry you are in this place.

 

Hi Blues. I am a bit surprised you would be so black and white. I can see the other guys opinions but you took your wife back - and she took you back. You both fought for your marriage and you are together now.

 

Telling a stranger over the internet to just give up and accept divorce.....that her life is over?

[BoaConstrictor]

Sex and attention and wanting something for herself.

 

This is why I strayed, along with wanting more in the bedroom and not knowing how to ask for it, as well as some performance issues.

 

Being a SAHM is a double-edged sword, as I've learned over the past eight years. Yeah, yeah, I'm damn lucky. Whatever. So is my husband, considering he can better focus on his career and we don't have to negotiate who takes a hit work-wise when the kids are sick or who schedules the doctors appointments and whatnot.

 

But I was feeling the four walls of our home closing in on me. I felt exceedingly trapped. I'm not saying my response was healthy, but it helps tremendously to lay out the reasons why I sought attention outside the marriage. Because if I don't determine why, it's going to happen again.

 

OP, I'm guessing you are mid-thirties? I also think you have to account for the female sex drive at that age. I do think that is a huge factor. Not an excuse; a factor. Those are two different things.

 

Female hormones can be a potent force, especially if you're struggling like you are with the fact that you have only been with one man. I can totally relate to this, even if I managed to stop my emotional dalliance before it became physical.

 

I hope you have a therapist that you can explore these sexual matters with honestly, especially since you have already said this was only about sex. For what it's worth, I believe you that this was the case, even if others don't or your husband doesn't.

[ferakane12]

There seem not a single hint of remorse in what you wrote , only fear of losing your fallback plan/ safety net.

 

And please trying to rationalize what you did so you can put the blame on anyone but yourself.

[Mrs. John Adams]

It is easier for a wayward spouse to say... my marriage is now better than it ever was...

why?

Because we have not been the one who was stabbed in the heart by our spouse.

After a year ... you have only just begun on the road to recovery.. it takes 2-5 years... it took us 30.

 

This is a long process.

 

But we as waywards really cannot comprehend the damage we have done..saying our marriage is better than ever is from our perspective...I promise very few betrayed spouses declare their marriage better than ever.

 

Because in most cases they were totally and completely blindsided by the one person they trusted... the person who vowed to be faithful forever...

 

You can't destroy a relationship... remove trust... shatter an ego and then declare it all better after a year.

 

Things may be better in your eyes ... but I promise your betrayed spouse is still asking why? Why? Why?

[Noirek]

It is easier for a wayward spouse to say... my marriage is now better than it ever was...

why?

Because we have not been the one who was stabbed in the heart by our spouse.

After a year ... you have only just begun on the road to recovery.. it takes 2-5 years... it took us 30.

 

This is a long process.

 

But we as waywards really cannot comprehend the damage we have done..saying our marriage is better than ever is from our perspective...I promise very few betrayed spouses declare their marriage better than ever.

 

Because in most cases they were totally and completely blindsided by the one person they trusted... the person who vowed to be faithful forever...

 

You can't destroy a relationship... remove trust... shatter an ego and then declare it all better after a year.

 

Things may be better in your eyes ... but I promise your betrayed spouse is still asking why? Why? Why?

 

Ummm? Wrong thread?

[Ocdude]

No, my betrayal doesn't wipe out what I have done for my family, what I have done, good and bad is history, is done and can't be undone, it is there and can't be waved.

 

My husband can chose not to continue our marriage because I broke my vows and his trust. He is entitled to walk away and I couldn't blame him if he would chose to do that, but what I have done for this family can't just be wiped out...

 

I can also assure you that my husband is not thinking about finances, and it won't be finances what will prevent him to divorce me, we had a very rough start in our life but our business is doing very well and we can both live a good life from the money it produces.

 

Really a reader, seldom post. Humans have an unique ability to make decisions that are not based on raw basic instinctive needs (like food, shelter, water, sex). Very few other animal species use sex as a social measure rather than for the basic function of procreation. I don't sense the appropriate level of remorse from your posts. I think that you regret that your were caught. The basic issue is that you two are not compatible. At least sexually to the level in which you would go outside of marriage to provide you a "instinctive need". homealone, posters here offer you opinions about whats wrong and whats right. In a basic though, wrong and right depends on compatibility. It seems that you cannot overlook your husbands sexual compatibility with you. So please consider divorcing so that you two can find someone compatible. He might be able to find a girl that can orgasm with penetration with him and with his level of sexual stamina. Maybe that girl will not look outside her marriage....

[MidnightBlue1980]

I'm going to disagree with this. Many times in life we have pain, our needs aren't met, yes, but what anyone having an affair needs to get at is WHY AFFAIR? Why not something else, - like communicating with your spouse? What happens when needs aren't met again? Or pain? Or unfulfillment?

The idea is to deal with the pain in a constructive manner. Not destructively.

 

I'm guessing you have not had an affair. Which is great, I definitely do not recommend it. I am just saying my own truth, my husbands and many people I know online and IRL. If you have never experienced it, you can't really understand (and you are not missing anything). Sometimes you have to blow the whole thing up to rebuild it and realize a lot of things about yourself, your needs, your flaws, wants and dislikes.

 

Most people I know did try to communicate, I did, and that is one of the reasons my H wanted to work it out, because I did try and he ignored me. I cannot speak for the OP, I don't know if she communicated her needs to her H.

 

What happens when needs are not met again - that is an excellent question and very important to discuss so it does not happen again because affairs are a terrible thing. We have, not everyone does though and if you are not honest with your spouse and yourself, it is highly probably it will happen again.

 

I am not talking about the serial cheater or the guy who goes to prostitutes and it's not a one size fits all thing. I'm just saying if your spouse has an affair, you need to understand why they did it, you can argue, get mad, whatever, but you need to talk it out to the point where you see it all objectively, so you can fix yourself and your marriage. Or maybe you decide to end the marriage, but it's just good to know, at least I wanted to know.

[MidnightBlue1980]

There seem not a single hint of remorse in what you wrote , only fear of losing your fallback plan/ safety net.

 

And please trying to rationalize what you did so you can put the blame on anyone but yourself.

 

She is explaining, not rationalizing. She has not blamed or said one thing bad about her husband at all.

[katielee]

I'm guessing you have not had an affair. Which is great, I definitely do not recommend it. I am just saying my own truth, my husbands and many people I know online and IRL. If you have never experienced it, you can't really understand (and you are not missing anything). Sometimes you have to blow the whole thing up to rebuild it and realize a lot of things about yourself, your needs, your flaws, wants and dislikes.

 

Most people I know did try to communicate, I did, and that is one of the reasons my H wanted to work it out, because I did try and he ignored me. I cannot speak for the OP, I don't know if she communicated her needs to her H.

 

What happens when needs are not met again - that is an excellent question and very important to discuss so it does not happen again because affairs are a terrible thing. We have, not everyone does though and if you are not honest with your spouse and yourself, it is highly probably it will happen again.

 

I am not talking about the serial cheater or the guy who goes to prostitutes and it's not a one size fits all thing. I'm just saying if your spouse has an affair, you need to understand why they did it, you can argue, get mad, whatever, but you need to talk it out to the point where you see it all objectively, so you can fix yourself and your marriage. Or maybe you decide to end the marriage, but it's just good to know, at least I wanted to know.

 

I had an affair.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I had an affair.

 

I stand corrected then. You are entitled to your opinion, we all have different experiences, mine was pretty bad and I learned from it. Believe me. I don't know you but I hope you are at peace.

 

I'm only posting here to offer a different voice to the OP. Very few others like me even come to this board, they can't even read the threads, let alone post. I don't care though. I've been through 7 levels of hell. The fact I am alive is a miracle. I'm beyond whatever anyone here can say to me.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Ummm? Wrong thread?

 

Forgot to quote midnight blue

 

This is in response to her post

[BluesPower]

Midnight...

 

I get you, totally. Here is the difference. I am not unsecure, I am better than average in bed, and I have way more experience.

 

As far as my wife's affairs, It was all the emotional, her mental illness, stuff. I was way more embarrassed by the stooge that she had an affair with and I was never threatened sexually in any way.

 

It was the lying and the stupidity and upset me. I mean if you are going to have an affair, it should be with someone attractive and involve a lot of great sex. Like OP here. Because if she was willing to ruin her life, she should have gotten something good out of it.

 

For me, I could care less about who she slept with, currently I am most POed about her drug addiction. That is something that I am not sure I can actually get over.

 

As a matter of fact, I am not sure how long we will be together But PM me if you want to know more.

 

What I am saying is that OP's husband is not a fool. He will not be able to accept the sexual circumstances of her affair and all that entails. He will know that she is lying when she tries to lie and he will imagine the worse. And, in this case he will be imagining reality.

 

I mean, bless her heart, she was thinking that the SEX was no big deal because she is a woman and she is foolish. Like I said, she would be better off if she actually loved OM for 2 years and had sex twice instead of the other way around.

 

No way an inexperienced guy is going to be able to handle this. I could, maybe you could but not him.

 

I am not trying to be harsh, but she just has no idea what she has done. It will be better in the long run to treat her H with for the rest of her life and move on.

 

Do you think it is too harsh Midnight?

[MidnightBlue1980]

Forgot to quote midnight blue

 

This is in response to her post

 

You don't even know me, my life or my story. I'm a complete stranger. I find it odd you would say a statement my husband made about our marriage is wrong.

[GoldenR]

So, OP, have you spoken with your H yet today? Any hope?

[MidnightBlue1980]

Midnight...

 

I get you, totally. Here is the difference. I am not unsecure, I am better than average in bed, and I have way more experience.

 

As far as my wife's affairs, It was all the emotional, her mental illness, stuff. I was way more embarrassed by the stooge that she had an affair with and I was never threatened sexually in any way.

 

It was the lying and the stupidity and upset me. I mean if you are going to have an affair, it should be with someone attractive and involve a lot of great sex. Like OP here. Because if she was willing to ruin her life, she should have gotten something good out of it.

 

For me, I could care less about who she slept with, currently I am most POed about her drug addiction. That is something that I am not sure I can actually get over.

 

As a matter of fact, I am not sure how long we will be together But PM me if you want to know more.

 

What I am saying is that OP's husband is not a fool. He will not be able to accept the sexual circumstances of her affair and all that entails. He will know that she is lying when she tries to lie and he will imagine the worse. And, in this case he will be imagining reality.

 

I mean, bless her heart, she was thinking that the SEX was no big deal because she is a woman and she is foolish. Like I said, she would be better off if she actually loved OM for 2 years and had sex twice instead of the other way around.

 

No way an inexperienced guy is going to be able to handle this. I could, maybe you could but not him.

 

I am not trying to be harsh, but she just has no idea what she has done. It will be better in the long run to treat her H with for the rest of her life and move on.

 

Do you think it is too harsh Midnight?

 

I am aware of the drug addiction, I just did not want to put all your personal stuff out there. I do agree that most men would not recover from this. 2 years is a long time, mine was only 5 months and it took me a year to feel better.

 

There are a lot of double edged swords. My xmm was a troll and that upset my H, just like you are upset. But I am telling you, if he was a hot gym instructor, my H would be just as upset and probably insecure. Wouldn't you be? I'm just guessing.

 

The love stuff, as you know, I loved him and it didn't make it any easier for my H. It's all crap the love stuff. H also told OW he loved her. People throw that word around till its meaningless. I do agree though, I suppose OP saying it was just for sex is bad for a man to hear, I just thought, maybe it is something that can be worked on? I mean, you can't make someone unlove someone, but if it is about a sexual desire, you can meet those needs.

 

I am aware these are big things and most people can'r rise above them. My husband is not most people, neither are you.So I was just a bit surprised by your advice. I would have expected you to say to drown him in sex or something.

 

As a side note, it is interesting that people are commenting on me now but not you. Women really get blasted for these things. I think people are horrified that a woman could have an affair for two years for only sex. If she said it was love, I bet you people would be less harsh.

[LargoLagg]

Midnight...

 

I get you, totally. Here is the difference. I am not unsecure, I am better than average in bed, and I have way more experience.

 

As far as my wife's affairs, It was all the emotional, her mental illness, stuff. I was way more embarrassed by the stooge that she had an affair with and I was never threatened sexually in any way.

 

It was the lying and the stupidity and upset me. I mean if you are going to have an affair, it should be with someone attractive and involve a lot of great sex. Like OP here. Because if she was willing to ruin her life, she should have gotten something good out of it.

 

For me, I could care less about who she slept with, currently I am most POed about her drug addiction. That is something that I am not sure I can actually get over.

 

As a matter of fact, I am not sure how long we will be together But PM me if you want to know more.

 

What I am saying is that OP's husband is not a fool. He will not be able to accept the sexual circumstances of her affair and all that entails. He will know that she is lying when she tries to lie and he will imagine the worse. And, in this case he will be imagining reality.

 

I mean, bless her heart, she was thinking that the SEX was no big deal because she is a woman and she is foolish. Like I said, she would be better off if she actually loved OM for 2 years and had sex twice instead of the other way around.

 

No way an inexperienced guy is going to be able to handle this. I could, maybe you could but not him.

 

I am not trying to be harsh, but she just has no idea what she has done. It will be better in the long run to treat her H with for the rest of her life and move on.

 

Do you think it is too harsh Midnight?

I get what you're saying. Because you've had the perspective of multiple sex partners, no doubt many that were meaningless emotionally, i.e., just sex, you get that perspective. You know that this point of view can exist. But you think that because OP's BH has not had that level of experience, he's basically got the mindset of a teenager, that sex is the most important thing in the world, that he was the ONLY ONE and if you took that away from him, what's left? I think you're probably right.

 

And reading all this, what I sense is that the OP's reason is something akin to her watching a porn movie and thinking "I want to get banged like that, I can tell" and she either didn't know how to ask her husband to do it, or that she didn't think he was capable of it. Somehow, this AP came across of being the guy who could do the job, and probably what happened was that he did exactly that the first time, and he kept delivering time after time after time, while BH did the same old, same old. I don't know if I'd describe that as pity sex so much as she probably viewed it as marriage sex, and the A as bonus sex.

 

So it would probably help if OP could describe in words the decision process when she was in the coffee shop and why she was there and what the discussion was on the day she first got into this guy's bed. It would probably also help if she could describe in words what she was feeling after she got the bottom knocked out of her and why she went back for more the second time. I'm thinking that if you get to the bottom of those two acts, that explains the entire two years. I don't mean that she needs to describe it here, although the practice may help her get the right words.

[usa1ah]

I do not believe you need to go into every detail.

 

You and your husband are both to blame for the sex life. You should have talk with him long ago about it.

 

I am sorry to say this, I don't think your husband will be coming back to you. I know I would forgive my wife but we would no longer be married.

 

With what your husband is doing. I think I would go about it in the same manner.

[Mr. Lucky]

I think this is a great question... and a very difficult to answer but I will try...

 

I think my husband should take me back because I am the mother of his 2 sons, because I took care of him when he laid in bed for 1.5 year after a work accident that damaged his back and while he learned to walk again I took care of the business while I was taking care of him and my two sons, because I was there when he lost his parents in a car accident, because we have been to hell and back together and we have always loved each other. There is so much more in my marriage than my affair, we have been together since we were teens.

 

I don't take him for granted and he doesn't owe me anything but if I have to give reason why he should those would be some of the answers

 

And yet, during those hard times, your H never wavered in his commitment to you and your family. Big difference.

 

I also think degree and intent come into play here. If you'd been caught - or even better, had confessed - after a weekend fling with your boy toy, the "wild oats" defense might hold up. But 2 years? Honestly, that's almost beyond an affair and into a double life, it's a conscious choice of an alternate lifestyle. It's not "something you've done", it's "who you are". You made the ongoing risk/reward calculation and decided it was all worth it.

 

Which brings me to my last point - the majority of your angst concerns what you've lost, not what - and whom - you've destroyed in losing it. You didn't come forward, you got caught. Which means had your H not discovered your A, instead of posting here this morning you could, at this very moment, be "working out" with your gym instructor. And I guarantee if we can make that calculation, so can your H...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Mrs. John Adams]

I do not believe you need to go into every detail.

 

You and your husband are both to blame for the sex life. You should have talk with him long ago about it.

 

I am sorry to say this, I don't think your husband will be coming back to you. I know I would forgive my wife but we would no longer be married.

 

With what your husband is doing. I think I would go about it in the same manner.

 

I think a two year affair is a really really hard thing to "get over".

 

It's like living a lie for two years. Pretending everything at home is ok while meeting a lover twice a week. Think of all the lies and manipulating that had to transpire.

 

My affair was one time... and it almost did us in... two years? Mr. Adams would have kicked me to the curb. Especially if I told him I did it for the sex because my lover helped to awaken in me desires I never knew I had before.

 

I not only believe he would have kicked me out...I believe he would have taken my children away from me and as much if the personal property that he could.

 

I am very fearful for this op... I hope she remains safe because if he begins to ask sexual questions and she answers honestly.. his anger could get the best of him.

[GoldenR]

I think a two year affair is a really really hard thing to "get over".

 

It's like living a lie for two years. Pretending everything at home is ok while meeting a lover twice a week. Think of all the lies and manipulating that had to transpire.

 

My affair was one time... and it almost did us in... two years? Mr. Adams would have kicked me to the curb. Especially if I told him I did it for the sex because my lover helped to awaken in me desires I never knew I had before.

 

I not only believe he would have kicked me out...I believe he would have taken my children away from me and as much if the personal property that he could.

 

I am very fearful for this op... I hope she remains safe because if he begins to ask sexual questions and she answers honestly.. his anger could get the best of him.

 

 

Yes ^^^^

 

As someone that has been cheated on more than anyone I know, OP's post has me feeling lucky to "only" have gone thru what I did.

[MidnightBlue1980]

You didn't come forward, you got caught.

 

Mr. Lucky

 

This is most people. I know very few people who stopped the A on their own and confessed. People who stopped on their own, tend not to confess and take it to the grave. This is why I am not a huge believer in working things out after an affair. It was my husband who strong armed me. There are too many "what ifs". What if his other woman had said she loved him back and played it differently, would he be with her now? Is he only here because that didn't work out? Am I?

You really never know why someone is with you after an affair.

I guess you just go forward.

[katielee]

OP - One thing you said is that you never took him for granted. You absolutely did. For two years. Please realize that. It was one of my biggest realizations of my affair, that I had taken my husband for granted for years, maybe even our entire marriage. Things weren't perfect but they were very good.

Your need for a better sex life seems very selfish, IMO.