I cheated, now my life is destroyed. (long )

[Alamo657]

I think my husband should take me back because I am the mother of his 2 sons, because I took care of him when he laid in bed for 1.5 year after a work accident that damaged his back and while he learned to walk again I took care of the business while I was taking care of him and my two sons, because I was there when he lost his parents in a car accident, because we have been to hell and back together and we have always loved each other.

 

... and from your husband pow all of this was just a show, destroyed by the affair which showed - from his pow - your "true" colors.

 

However apologetic you may be, your husband is doing the right thing.

 

Marriage counseling is only for the children, the betrayed spouse has nothing to gain from it, except a life of mistrust and keeping the memory of betrayal next to him for the rest of his life.

[Buckeye2]

I think my husband should take me back because I am the mother of his 2 sons.

 

How does your husband know this for sure? Until DNA a man’s only assurance that his mate’s children were also his was her faithfulness. Now that’s gone for your husband.

 

In my opinion this is basis why men tend to care more about the sex act and women tend to care more about the relationship. It’s very primitive. Women know that all the kids that come out of them are theirs no matter how many men they had sex with. They also want to keep a man around to help their kids survive. OM can go his merry way and reproduce for free.

Edited December 7, 2016 by Buckeye2

[Mrs. John Adams]

This is most people. I know very few people who stopped the A on their own and confessed. People who stopped on their own, tend not to confess and take it to the grave. This is why I am not a huge believer in working things out after an affair. It was my husband who strong armed me. There are too many "what ifs". What if his other woman had said she loved him back and played it differently, would he be with her now? Is he only here because that didn't work out? Am I?

You really never know why someone is with you after an affair.

I guess you just go forward.

 

There actually are quite a few of us here wh cheated then confessed... not always of course... just like the op.

 

But the odds for reconciliation improve considerably if the wayward has stopped the affair and confesses rather than the affair being discovered

[ShatteredLady]

Firstly OP it shows a LOT that you have stuck around on this forum. Very few who receive the beating you have do. That shows character & desperation to keep your H. That, given that you've been together for so very long AND been through so very much together does work in your favor.

 

To be completely honest I'm pretty much with Blues. We're all very different but I don't think that your odds are that good BUT you came here asking how to get your marriage back.

 

My concern would be that he told so many people & is taking such a hard line. I never told my family that my husband had cheated. I have my reasons. If I had told, particularly my parents, it would of been REALLY hard to reconcile. I'm proud! What's your husband like? Will the exposure make it harder for him to come back?

 

What's your relationship with his family like? Do you think that a heartfelt apology from you would help? I know my Dad & my H swallowing his pride would of definitely helped if I had told my Dad how much I have been broken by my H. It's the only thing that would.

 

As others have stated I'm also very concerned that you're not with your children. Even if they tell you to get stuffed you should be apologizing AND more importantly reminding them how much you love them & will be there for them EVERY DAY. Do they have mobile phones, computers? I'd be sending "good morning" & "goodnight. I love you!" messages. AT LEAST.

 

I get that they're so very angry with you & will be for a long time but they're YOUR BOYS. You being completely absent could haunt & damage them in time.

 

You want your family back. Fight for them!!

 

I've been betrayed in horrible ways by my husband. It's so early for you guys! He's still in complete shock & devastation. I don't believe that any WS even starts to comprehend how much they have shattered their partner at this stage, if ever!! I never imagined I could hurt like this. Any kind of justification from you right now will bite even more.

 

That kind of advise is for YOU to look deep inside. Eventually, if you get a chance at reconciliation, you will need to work on your needs & the faults in your relationship BUT NOT NOW! Now you need to be sincerely sorry. Now you need to own your monumental destruction of the man you love. Any "I did a horrific thing BUT...." will be the death of your marriage if he's anything like me.

 

Please keep reading & posting. Familiarity makes members treat other members with more sensitivity & understanding. Fly by posters get the venom.

[Try]

You would never have known...had you not had sex for two years with another man.

 

You were happy with the sex you shared with your husband....until you became the lover of another man.

OP, you need to read what is being said above over and over again until you get it. This identifies the main road block to your husband getting over it. When you enter a marriage where both parties have never had sex with anyone else, it works because as long as you enjoy it neither of you have something better to compare it to so it works. When one or both parties have prior experience, they teach each other what the other does not know allowing the partner to be up to snuff so it also works. By cheating and then saying that "I didn't dare to change anything in our sex life because I thought it would hint him about my affair :(", that does not allow your spouse to learn what you want, so he is at a disadvantage to the other man because he was faithful.

 

Without you telling your husband what you just told us about you preferring sex with the other man, your husband will know this. He knows that because he does not have the experience of the other man, that as a monogamous spouse, the other man had the advantage with you for 2 years. Your husband will now divorce you and learn to be a better lover when his next wife teaches him. The new more experienced new wife will be a much better lover to your husband than you ever were, and he will be a much better lover with her than he was with you. I am not saying this to be mean. I am just telling you the facts of what your husband is thinking. BTW, you can never be the one to teach your husband, because he will know that you did it with your affair partner first and that the affair partner taught you, so the mind movies will prevent him enjoying these new things with you.

[MidnightBlue1980]

 

My concern would be that he told so many people & is taking such a hard line. I never told my family that my husband had cheated. I have my reasons. If I had told, particularly my parents, it would of been REALLY hard to reconcile. I'm proud! What's your husband like? Will the exposure make it harder for him to come back?

 

I don't believe that any WS even starts to comprehend how much they have shattered their partner at this stage, if ever!! I never imagined I could hurt like this. Any kind of justification from you right now will bite even more.

 

 

My husband told everyone about me - his parents, his friends, my friends. His parents know about him but he left that out conveniently with his friends (another issue). It seems that women protect the WH out of embarrassment or pride whereas man throw the WW to the lions.

 

In any event, everyone loves good gossip but it really had no negative impact on our reconciliation. Actually my MIL was the driving force in making us work it out. Older generations do not up and divorce over an affair as often as younger ones these days. They just see marriage differently.

 

While it is horrifying to think everyone knows what you did, people really don't care as much as you think they do. Everyone has their own problems, their own skeletons.

 

Shattered is right about WS not realizing what they have done for a while. I read here it takes about 10 months and that is an accurate time line.

 

BTW, OP, I assume you are not going to this gym anymore or seeing this guy? It seems so obvious but after being on the other board, these things are harder to end than one realizes.

[DKT3]

Hi Blues. I am a bit surprised you would be so black and white. I can see the other guys opinions but you took your wife back - and she took you back. You both fought for your marriage and you are together now.

 

Telling a stranger over the internet to just give up and accept divorce.....that her life is over?

 

My wife's affair was also roughly two years. But far different from this one. Her was really a friendship that crossed boundaries and became sexual a few times. Minus the sex stuff I would have only been slightly disturbed by that relationship.

 

I also took my wife back, but under far different circumstances. I was a crappy husband and at best an ok father. After some reflection I concluded that.y wife deserved a second chance but only because I was less then ideal for years.

 

Now had I been the husband and father then I am now there is absolutely no way I could have justified giving her a second chance.

 

What I'm hearing from OP is her husband was ideal minus a slightly lackluster sex life.

 

OP like you I was my wife's only sexual partner, we started out when we were 16/17. We didn't have kids until our late 20's. So I truly get the feeling of missing out, I had it as did my wife. So I can relate like very few can in that area.

 

But I can also relate to what your husband is feeling, somewhere in his mind is this deep regret of having been faithful to you all those years, somewhere he is running that Rolodex of memories of women he rejected or walked away from. That desire to suppress the urges for other women is now or will soon be gone. Given a slight chance he would agree to a second chance the likelihood of a revenge affair is extremely high.

 

But if I'm being honest I truly doubt he will grant you a second chance. He is nailing the coffin as I type this. He may say the words, but I'm doubtful he would be in it.

 

Long history with someone you grew up with is hard to walk away from, it took me 14 months to get were your husband is now, that's scary. But I'm assuming he has only known for a short while, it's possible he has known the entire time, but refused to accept it.

 

We were similar, I divorced and gave up on her, she fought for us for a.long time. My messages isn't saying give up as another poster suggested, but you need to face the reality of this situation and the most likely outcome.

[Mr. Lucky]

As others have stated I'm also very concerned that you're not with your children. Even if they tell you to get stuffed you should be apologizing AND more importantly reminding them how much you love them & will be there for them EVERY DAY. Do they have mobile phones, computers? I'd be sending "good morning" & "goodnight. I love you!" messages. AT LEAST.

 

That's part of the tragedy of this and other similar stories. She's no longer Mom, part of the family, the person they all thought they knew. She's now something else.

 

homealone123, I'd guess you'll regain a relationship with your boys at some point. But it wouldn't surprise me if it was more the exchanging Christmas cards type and less the real parental bond.

 

You've given up an awful lot for very little in return...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Chi townD]

Well, you're probably not going to like what I have to say. But, you were in a relationship; affair for 2 years. This wasn't just about sex if you allowed it to happen for 2 years.

 

Everyone has his or her breaking points or deal breakers. I think you just found your husbands. You were in the drivers seat when you decided to cheat. Now, your husband is in the drivers seat as far as where this marriage goes. And I will be honest with you, I don't have a lot of hope.

 

So, I think you need to figure out how to co-parent together. He sounds like he's pretty steadfast on ending this marriage. And if he does, there's nothing you can really do about it.

[Mrs. John Adams]

That's part of the tragedy of this and other similar stories. She's no longer Mom, part of the family, the person they all thought they knew. She's now something else.

 

homealone123, I'd guess you'll regain a relationship with your boys at some point. But it wouldn't surprise me if it was more the exchanging Christmas cards type and less the real parental bond.

 

You've given up an awful lot for very little in return...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I fear you may be right because the boys are older and certainly are old enough to understand what an affair is.

 

Right now they are going to blame mom for hurting dad.. for destroying our family.

 

Not only will this be an uphill battle for reconciliation...but this will be a battle to win back the love and respect of her children.

 

To them at this point.. their life has been a lie. You don't process and get over that quickly.

 

Family therapy will certainly be in order for those kids.

 

I feel so sorry for this family... merry Christmas huh?

 

Not this year....

[ShatteredLady]

I'm normally on a similar page to Mr Lucky. I do agree "at the moment" BUT if she is humble & strong AND very, very persistent I choose to believe that parent child relationships can be healed in time. NEVER, NEVER give-up! That screws kids-up even more in my experience within my own extended family.

[homealone123]

I am exhausted, I am just back from talking with my husband and his brother. Given the circumstances I find our meeting very positive. I will give you some more details later, now I have to leave but I need to clarify that my husband has only exposed me to my parents, my kids and his brother, there is no one outside our family that has been informed about my affair. Sorry for the short post but I have to meet my husband and my kids again in 15 minutes.

[aliveagain]

"My husband and I were each other first love," were you also each others only sexual partner until you began your 2 year sexual affair? If so you have to remember that your his sexual teacher, he gets his lead from you. Your other man has had many more sexual partners then your husband, it is unfair to compare them. If you were each others first how do you plan on dealing with the imbalance your sex only affair has created? This imbalance will forever be the big white elephant in the room(he's no longer your only one, you are still his) and you need to have a plan in place to deal with it because you can't take it back or make it go away.

 

You may want to discuss a post nuptial agreement with your lawyer that gives your husband the majority of the marriage assets if you divorce because of a new infidelity. How else can you get him to trust you again, you can't promise to never do it again because your promises mean sh*t right now. Just a question, are you both still wearing your wedding rings? You will need to deal with that issue if you both agree on reconciliation. Just my opinion but being the mother of his 2 children isn't enough to guarantee you a second chance, second chances are earned and should never be expected. Tell him the truth, lying by omission is still lying. He will tell you what he needs, listen to him.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I am exhausted, I am just back from talking with my husband and his brother. Given the circumstances I find our meeting very positive. I will give you some more details later, now I have to leave but I need to clarify that my husband has only exposed me to my parents, my kids and his brother, there is no one outside our family that has been informed about my affair. Sorry for the short post but I have to meet my husband and my kids again in 15 minutes.

 

I am happy to hear this... and I hope that he doesn't tell anyone else.

 

I wish he had allowed you to tell the children together... I hate to see him drag them into this.. it will be confusing enough.

 

Please get the kids into therapy if they want to go... they really need to talk to someone.

 

I told my mom before I told my husband and he then turned to my mother. I give my mom a great deal of credit for our reconciliation... she loved and supported me but she also loved and supported him.

 

I hope your parents do the same thing for you. I hope they hold you accountable yet give you support.

 

I hope your meeting with the boys goes well.

[aileD]

I fear you may be right because the boys are older and certainly are old enough to understand what an affair is.

 

Right now they are going to blame mom for hurting dad.. for destroying our family.

 

Not only will this be an uphill battle for reconciliation...but this will be a battle to win back the love and respect of her children.

 

To them at this point.. their life has been a lie. You don't process and get over that quickly.

 

Family therapy will certainly be in order for those kids.

 

I feel so sorry for this family... merry Christmas huh?

 

Not this year....

 

OP. Listen to this.^^

 

It's sad but it's true. My kids are 16/13. They both lost faith in their father and do not respect him. 16 year old does not talk to him even three months after our reconciliation. He tries to parent and they say "you left us, you have no right to be respected."

 

I'm very scared our oldest will go off to college before this is mended and never have a good relationship with him.

 

It makes me very sad. Your actions have indeed hurt your family very deeply.

[Noirek]

I find it hard to believe you don't know your thinking when you went from coffee to sex. Your husband may ask this and "it just progressed, happened, ect won't cut it. I had a physical affair. I wanted the sex. My husband was my first (but I am not his so my betrayal did not unbalance that in that regard. Not the lovey dovey moon and stars bit. The illicit sex. Which by the way messes up your mind to thinking it is better than it is. Take away that nature of your affair and there is a good chance would not have been so great. Not saying he wasn't good at his trade but adding that forbidden element puts it into a new catagory. Anyways, I made a consious choice to respond to xMM's advances. I wanted it. To feel alive. To be desired. And I was selfish and jumped over all my boundaries. But there was still a point where I decided. I didn't make it two years. I am not cut out for affairs. We had sex three times and then it was over. I ended up breaking NC but not physically. Affair sex no longer appeals to me.

 

Anyways, i am sorry you are going through this. don't cry or be for him back. That ticks off BS many times. Just work on that remorse, work on yourself, and work on healing the relationship with the boys.

 

And remember, he may also wonder if there have been others. Do not be indignant. You lost your repuatation and since your affair was sex based, more partners or incidences would be an honest question.

[Noirek]

There actually are quite a few of us here wh cheated then confessed... not always of course... just like the op.

 

But the odds for reconciliation improve considerably if the wayward has stopped the affair and confesses rather than the affair being discovered

 

I stopped and confessed the first time. Was caught the second time. Confessing is better.

[katielee]

OP - in your discussions with him, and if there is a chance for a repaired (not necessarily restored) relationship with him, even as the father of your children, you might want to tell him you'd take a polygraph.

[Mr. Lucky]

there is no one outside our family that has been informed about my affair

 

I'm not sure I'd count on this going forward. Had a friend tell me once:

 

"There's only two kinds of secrets"

 

"Those that are so small, it doesn't matter if you tell someone else"

 

"And those that are so big, you can't wait to tell someone else"

 

Plan accordingly...

 

Mr. Lucky

[DKT3]

Hmm, I never understood this resistance to truth that WS's have. As if the issue is within the BS telling others and seeking comfort is what is damaging to the marriage. Interesting, so banging someone outside the marriage isn't what's damaging the marriage but telling other you did it is?

 

Way I see it is if you made that choice then you should deal with the consequences it brings from unplanned pregnancies to STD to being called the town good time girl. It just stinks of manipulation to lean on BS's and limited thier sources of comfort.

[40somethingGuy]

Did he use protection? This AP knew full well you were married, right? Have you ever wondered what kind of a person pursues and does this kind of thing with a married woman? Yes, it takes two to tango but I am confused how you wanted to end it since it started but never did. Did the guilt kill you while you were doing this? Just curious because I asked my WW the same thing- how did it feel to interact and look at me in the eye when you knew full well what you were doing? Was the sex just that addicting that you were able to live with this? Were you concerned about how this would end? 2 years is a long time to keep this kind of affair rolling. Do you know how your husband caught on?

[Mrs. John Adams]

Hmm, I never understood this resistance to truth that WS's have. As if the issue is within the BS telling others and seeking comfort is what is damaging to the marriage. Interesting, so banging someone outside the marriage isn't what's damaging the marriage but telling other you did it is?

 

Way I see it is if you made that choice then you should deal with the consequences it brings from unplanned pregnancies to STD to being called the town good time girl. It just stinks of manipulation to lean on BS's and limited thier sources of comfort.

 

The damage to the relationship is of course the banging of someone else ....I don't think one single wayward here has denied that.I am completely and totally responsible for my cheating.

 

My husband chose to not tell others...I am quite certain that part of that decision was to save himself the embarrassment of telling others ...my wife banged another guy. Part of it was because he still hoped we could work it out...and honestly the more people who have been told...the more difficult it can be down the road.

 

For example...had he told his family...his mom and dad and siblings...it would have been very awkward for me to then be around them....and i am sure it would have been for them as well. They may have hated me...and the damage may have been so severe that we could not have overcome it.

 

It is very different when two people decide to reconcile...than when those outside the relationship also have to reconcile.

 

It may not be the RIGHT answer for everyone...but for us...it certainly was. Each Betrayed spouse has to handle it the way that is best for them. My husband decided that exposing me to the world to suffer the consequences of my behavior were not in his best interest or the best interest of his family.

 

There is a very fine line in exposing for revenge and exposing because it is what is best for all parties involved....and that decision should be left up to the betrayed spouse.

 

When my husband had a revenge affair...I told no one. What would telling have accomplished except embarrassment and pain for both of us?

[understand50]

Hmm, I never understood this resistance to truth that WS's have. As if the issue is within the BS telling others and seeking comfort is what is damaging to the marriage. Interesting, so banging someone outside the marriage isn't what's damaging the marriage but telling other you did it is?

 

Way I see it is if you made that choice then you should deal with the consequences it brings from unplanned pregnancies to STD to being called the town good time girl. It just stinks of manipulation to lean on BS's and limited thier sources of comfort.

 

DKT3,

 

Do not think anyone is saying that, only the less people know the better the chance of reconciliation. So far in this thread, homealone123 has little or no hope. The husband not telling everyone is one small morsel of hope.

 

In truth, if the husband decides to tell as many friends and family as he chooses, that is really his concern, as homealone123 has given up that control. That fact is not this may not point to reconciliation, but it will help if reconciliation is in the cards at all. My own opinion, it is not, but I will hope for it in any case.

 

 

My two Cents, and I wish homealone123 some much needed luck....

[frigginlost]

Hmm, I never understood this resistance to truth that WS's have. As if the issue is within the BS telling others and seeking comfort is what is damaging to the marriage. Interesting, so banging someone outside the marriage isn't what's damaging the marriage but telling other you did it is?

 

Way I see it is if you made that choice then you should deal with the consequences it brings from unplanned pregnancies to STD to being called the town good time girl. It just stinks of manipulation to lean on BS's and limited thier sources of comfort.

 

So much agree with that.

 

When my world came crashing down the last thing I thought of was "how will my reaction affect any chance at R"...

Edited December 7, 2016 by frigginlost

[DKT3]

DKT3,

 

Do not think anyone is saying that, only the less people know the better the chance of reconciliation. So far in this thread, homealone123 has little or no hope. The husband not telling everyone is one small morsel of hope.

 

In truth, if the husband decides to tell as many friends and family as he chooses, that is really his concern, as homealone123 has given up that control. That fact is not this may not point to reconciliation, but it will help if reconciliation is in the cards at all. My own opinion, it is not, but I will hope for it in any case.

 

 

My two Cents, and I wish homealone123 some much needed luck....

 

No I get that part, what I'm saying is many WS see it as a hinderence to R. It's a backwards way of not accepting full responsibility for the actions.

 

We have seen time and time again here Ws get bent out of shape because the BS outed them sort of speaking, I've even seen it be called abuse. Really it just more wayward behavior and signs that this person isn't really remorseful. Like they didn't respect you enough to not have the affair but expect you to respect them enough to hold the secret.

 

Now me personally, I told my brother and mother, but after my mother's reaction I told no one else. He'd first question was what did I do wrong....then her claws came to my defense.

 

Telling other shouldn't have an effect on the WS ability or desire to R if you're dealing with a truly remorseful WS.

 

In this situation, I'm personally uncomfortable with him telling the boys, yet having seen first hand ( with my own son) the damage it can cause when you allow a child to speculate and piece it together on their own....truly heart breaking.