I cheated, now my life is destroyed. (long )

[homealone123]

Well... It has been an interesting day. I was called by my husband and we agreed to meet up at my brother in law's for a civilised talk.

My brother in law explained me that he saw me around 1 week ago with the OM in what he thought was unappropriated manner and he called my husband and warned him that although he could be wrong he had seen something that was not right. My husband had then planted a VAR and checked my phone but I have never texted anything or called with the OM further than to tell him if I was not going to go to the gym for any specific reason so he didn't get any further information from there. He was almost giving up on his suspicions but decided to follow me one day to the gym and then he saw me getting into the house of the OM with his own eyes. That was the day that I was asked to leave my house.

 

My husband told me that he doesn't know if he wants to reconcile, he is hurting and at this moment he said he doesn't know me, to his eyes I am a stranger now... he was very tranquil during the whole conversation but I could see in his eyes that he had not sleep and he had been crying...I am devastated by his pain and I am the cause of it...:(

 

My husband told me that he feels he has made a mistake by telling our sons, he did it to retaliate and now he realises that he may have damaged our children for life (his words not mine), I told him that I was the one to blame for what I have done... he insisted that it was me to blame for my affair but he was to blame for the way he acted when he found out. He has been talking to our sons and he has asked them not to take any side as it is a problem between us, of course the children are really annoyed with the situation but they promised their dad to give mom a chance. (I am very grateful for that).

 

My husband told me that at the moment his idea is divorcing me, he loves me but he is afraid he doesn't know me, the woman he feels devotion for is not the one that he saw with the OM.

 

I explained him that I was making a timeline of my affair and that I was open to give any kind of detail that he needed, he already have all my passwords (we never hide that from each other) but he could get any kind of reassurance that he may need. I show him the no contact email I sent to the OM and the email cancelling my gym subscription... he said at the moment he doesn't want to have any kind of detail or any kind of timeline, if he decides to reconcile he will then request that information.

 

He accepted that I will come back home on Saturday but he made clear that we will live in separated rooms and at the moment he only wants contact with me for co-parenting conversations, he informed me that he has talked with a lawyer and advised me to do the same.

 

We then went to look for my brother in law who had been in another room to give us some privacy and we agree we would see each other at home to talk with the kids.

 

I was very nervous to see my kids, my older was still very angry at me and was only talking to me because his father was forcing him to do so, it was painfully obvious that it will take some time to recover but my little one gave be a big hug and told me that he had missed me, he was also upset but I could see that he will be easier to regain. At the end of the conversation both of them gave me a hug, one more enthusiastic than the other but overall the conversation went good.

 

I promised my husband to let him some space till Saturday and I will be then moving back. I also promised him that I will fight to win him back, I know he doesn't want me now but I will show him that there is a reason to fight for what we had. He said again that he can't promise anything right now, he said that he is scared of a life without me, but the me that he was moaning didn't exist anymore and at this moment he didn't like the person I was and he wasn't feeling inclined to fight for someone who would do what I have done... but at the end he told me that he hadn't make his mind yet and that gives me hope.

 

I want to thank you all because I think many of the things you have told me really helped me on how to communicate with him. Thank you!!

[katielee]

You did good! I'm so glad you're back in the house.

I have no idea what this will look like and maybe someone else will give better advice...but I know this will be a LONG journey no matter what.

Have him see you go to IC, reading, etc... even if it never works out with him, let him see that you are working on yourself, even if its to become a better person and mother.

Be there for him. Most importantly, NEVER lie to him again. About anything.

 

Hubby and I are YEARS out, and it can occasionally still get bumpy. Forgiving the affairs have been one thing (three between us). Trust has been an entire other issue.

 

It will get worse before it gets better. Maintain your integrity of being a better person no matter WHAT the outcome.

[BluesPower]

I agree with Katie...

 

You might, might have a chance. Don't get excited because he is still in shock and he does not know any details.

 

There is the slightest chance that he may take you back, not a big one but still a chance.

 

The hurt that you saw today is nothing, just wait until the anger stage hits. And unless he gets physical you better not say a damn word accept I am so sorry.

 

So go back and reread every post even that hard ones and do everything that they say, if the is conflict between them pick best option. READ THE BOOKS starting today.

 

HomeAlone, Honey I wish you so much luck and keep posting.

[drifter777]

I would say there is a 99% chance your husband is going to give you another chance.

[40somethingGuy]

Well... It has been an interesting day. I was called by my husband and we agreed to meet up at my brother in law's for a civilised talk.

My brother in law explained me that he saw me around 1 week ago with the OM in what he thought was unappropriated manner and he called my husband and warned him that although he could be wrong he had seen something that was not right. My husband had then planted a VAR and checked my phone but I have never texted anything or called with the OM further than to tell him if I was not going to go to the gym for any specific reason so he didn't get any further information from there. He was almost giving up on his suspicions but decided to follow me one day to the gym and then he saw me getting into the house of the OM with his own eyes. That was the day that I was asked to leave my house.

 

My husband told me that he doesn't know if he wants to reconcile, he is hurting and at this moment he said he doesn't know me, to his eyes I am a stranger now... he was very tranquil during the whole conversation but I could see in his eyes that he had not sleep and he had been crying...I am devastated by his pain and I am the cause of it...:(

 

My husband told me that he feels he has made a mistake by telling our sons, he did it to retaliate and now he realises that he may have damaged our children for life (his words not mine), I told him that I was the one to blame for what I have done... he insisted that it was me to blame for my affair but he was to blame for the way he acted when he found out. He has been talking to our sons and he has asked them not to take any side as it is a problem between us, of course the children are really annoyed with the situation but they promised their dad to give mom a chance. (I am very grateful for that).

 

My husband told me that at the moment his idea is divorcing me, he loves me but he is afraid he doesn't know me, the woman he feels devotion for is not the one that he saw with the OM.

 

I explained him that I was making a timeline of my affair and that I was open to give any kind of detail that he needed, he already have all my passwords (we never hide that from each other) but he could get any kind of reassurance that he may need. I show him the no contact email I sent to the OM and the email cancelling my gym subscription... he said at the moment he doesn't want to have any kind of detail or any kind of timeline, if he decides to reconcile he will then request that information.

 

He accepted that I will come back home on Saturday but he made clear that we will live in separated rooms and at the moment he only wants contact with me for co-parenting conversations, he informed me that he has talked with a lawyer and advised me to do the same.

 

We then went to look for my brother in law who had been in another room to give us some privacy and we agree we would see each other at home to talk with the kids.

 

I was very nervous to see my kids, my older was still very angry at me and was only talking to me because his father was forcing him to do so, it was painfully obvious that it will take some time to recover but my little one gave be a big hug and told me that he had missed me, he was also upset but I could see that he will be easier to regain. At the end of the conversation both of them gave me a hug, one more enthusiastic than the other but overall the conversation went good.

 

I promised my husband to let him some space till Saturday and I will be then moving back. I also promised him that I will fight to win him back, I know he doesn't want me now but I will show him that there is a reason to fight for what we had. He said again that he can't promise anything right now, he said that he is scared of a life without me, but the me that he was moaning didn't exist anymore and at this moment he didn't like the person I was and he wasn't feeling inclined to fight for someone who would do what I have done... but at the end he told me that he hadn't make his mind yet and that gives me hope.

 

I want to thank you all because I think many of the things you have told me really helped me on how to communicate with him. Thank you!!

 

Get ready for the roller coaster of emotions on the part of the betrayed. He loves you, mourns the loss of who he thought he had, and hates you all in one. Some days he will try to be normal and other days he will be really bitter towards you for basically nothing else you did. He then will be frustrated at his own insecurity and instability. If he feels like I did the overwhelming feeling is 'you are not mine anymore.' And as crazy as it sounds, he may want to have LOTS of out of the ordinary sex with you almost to reclaim his. Apparently this is common. I know I felt that way with my ww. To him, the woman he talked with today was the person walking into another man's place not the woman he treasured all these years. And know that image of you guys walking in his home will be burned in his eyes forever. Now, the good news is that he is giving you a crack of an opportunity. I like the 'I will fight for you' but take that a step farther and let him know you understand that there will be days that he hurts more than others down the road and it will be a long road to recovery. You will have to tell him up front that you are in for the long haul and you will endure the pain with him as he experiences his ups and downs. Your patience will be tested. Understand that your privacy (other than going to the rest room) is a thing of the past. Suggest that he put a tracker on your phone. Tell him to monitor your phone. Let him know you will go out of your way to make sure he knows where and who you are with always. Make sure he knows that the thought of losing him makes you ill and you can't imagine life without him and make sure he knows you will go to the end of the Earth to help him heal and let him know the woman who died in his mind is alive and well and HIS!!! Good luck. You probably don't deserve him after this to be honest but I am rooting for you.

[ShatteredLady]

The Linda McDonald 'How to Heal' book that Mrs Adams told you to read is a FREE download. Please read it. It could make all the difference.

 

Be humble. No excuses. NO blaming him in ANY ANY WAY to justify what you did. Please own it. It's ALL on you.

[DKT3]

Be advised, if he gives you a second chance it will not be a lineal journey because his emotions will be all over the map. As someone else mentioned he will make you feel loved hated and disgusted in a five minute span.

 

Also, I think you're fooling yourself if you think the om is out of the picture. You can't have a two year sex-a-ton and not catch feelings. Right now your focus is on your family, but soon you will have withdrawal symptoms from the affair, you will start to look for and justify reasons to contact him.

 

It's uphill in an ice storm, any misstep and you will find yourself at the bottom looking up.

[katielee]

If... IIIIIFFFF you happen to have sex with your husband again, it will take on an entirely different meaning. And seriously, THIS passion is what you may have been looking for.

It has nothing to do with the act of sex. You are learning your lesson the hard way, as did I. Good sex has everything to do with connection.

[masoj3k]

I would say there is a 99% chance your husband is going to give you another chance.

 

A 2 year affair will be very hard (but not impossible) to get over.

 

I would downgrade drifters odds solely on the basis that the BS may think it was a few times and perhaps a few weeks as opposed to 2 years since he has little detail and the OP hasn't given her timeline to him.

 

2 years might not be much in the length of this marriage but it is a lot in terms of deceit (a lot of trust issues given she hid it for so long and only was caught due to mischance) and disrespect (she could have ended it at any time and the affair only stopped because she got caught).

[MidnightBlue1980]

Be advised, if he gives you a second chance it will not be a lineal journey because his emotions will be all over the map. As someone else mentioned he will make you feel loved hated and disgusted in a five minute span.

 

Also, I think you're fooling yourself if you think the om is out of the picture. You can't have a two year sex-a-ton and not catch feelings. Right now your focus is on your family, but soon you will have withdrawal symptoms from the affair, you will start to look for and justify reasons to contact him.

 

It's uphill in an ice storm, any misstep and you will find yourself at the bottom looking up.

 

I think it is great your husband is being so levelheaded in this situation but I do agree with this above. I do sort of believe you don't love this guy, he sounds like classic boy toy, but you are going to miss the sex. It's going to make you crazy.

 

You will have to hang tight. I'm not really sure how to advise you since this about sexual incompatibility here and now you are in a corner, you can't say anything or make any demands. It could take a long time, if it all, for you to feel the same satisfaction that you felt with OM.

 

Just something to think about. Maybe others have advice.

[Mr. Lucky]

I would say there is a 99% chance your husband is going to give you another chance.

 

Considering he's here:

 

My husband told me that at the moment his idea is divorcing me

 

...and he doesn't know any of the details yet (trust me, at some point he'll want to know), that seems high...

 

Mr. Lucky

[dragon_fly_7]

This is going to be tough because your husband actually caught you going into the OM's apartment with his own eyes. There is a difference between knowing an affair happen and actually seeing your spouse with the affair partner (whether right in the act or them walking together).

 

However, it seems that he might give you a slim chance in a reconciliation. You get your hopes up and if he decides to divorce you in the end, accept that. For the meantime since he's not interested in your timeline nor answers, work on being the best mother for your kids. You're in for a very long ride.

[katielee]

yes, and realize he IS IN SHOCK. He doesn't know what to do, or what to think. He just want the pain to stop. He wants you near because that is what he's used to. Once he gets himself a little distance - ouch, you are in for some serious anger.

[Satu]

That anger will probably kick in at about the same time as the OP's genuine remorse.

[Mrs. John Adams]

That anger will probably kick in at about the same time as the OP's genuine remorse.

 

No .. his anger will kick in long before she ever realizes what remorse is.

 

When he starts asking questions and he gets the answers he may decide it is more than he can handle. Like mr lucky said ... he didn't know it was two times a week for 2 years...that's 208 times ...

and then if he starts asking about the sex... was he bigger than me ... was he better than me? Did you climax?

 

Oh yeah... there is a whole lot of ugly for him to process.

[drifter777]

I would say there is a 99% chance your husband is going to give you another chance.

 

Note that I did not say anything about reconciliation or anything about how this ugly, despicable mess is going to end up. I'm just saying he is going to take her back and try to get over this. I wish him more luck than I have had.

[GoldenR]

OP....

 

Maybe it's just not coming thru in your words that you're typing on here, but I'm not feeling any real remorse in your posts. There's a feel of nonchalantness to your posts:

 

- It was just sex

- My husband should keep me bc I helped him when he was sick/injured

- He doesn't need to know the truth

 

I could keep going and going, but I don't think I need to.

 

Go thru and read some of the threads we have here that are similar in story to yours, and you'll come across some where the remorse just seeps thru the screen as you're reading. Then read your posts. Big difference.

 

I think that you know that your husband is co-dependant and is going to take you back no matter what, and all you're really asking of us is how to ease his pain so everything will get back to normal quicker.

 

I hope I'm wrong.

Edited December 7, 2016 by GoldenR

[Marc878]

An affair is an addiction if you have any contact at all with the other man the affair will continue. Especially a two year affair.

[turnera]

Write out your timeline - ALL the details - on paper and put them in an envelope and seal it and hand it to him. Don't lie about anything.

 

It's good that he told your sons, for a couple reasons: It has hurt them deeply so they will see firsthand the tragedy of cheating and hopefully will keep them from ever considering cheating themselves. And it REALLY brings home to YOU the devastation your selfishness created, so that it will hopefully keep it real for you to keep you on the narrow path.

 

I'm not gonna lie. TWO years of an affair is not just a mistake. It's a lifestyle. You need to figure out HOW you could become THAT selfish so that you can find out how to AVOID becoming that selfish again ever again.

 

Have you offered to your husband to tell his parents what you did, and ask for their forgiveness for hurting their son? Unless they're toxic parents, he NEEDS their support, and he may be afraid to ask for their help. If you offer to tell them, it will open that up. And if he's already told them, you offering to admit what you did will go a LONG way toward him giving you a second chance

 

You should also offer to go to a lawyer and fill out a post-nup agreement, stating that if you ever get caught cheating again, you walk away with nothing.

[dragon_fly_7]

Have you offered to your husband to tell his parents what you did, and ask for their forgiveness for hurting their son?

The OP mentioned his parents died in a car accident.

 

I think my husband should take me back because I am the mother of his 2 sons, because I took care of him when he laid in bed for 1.5 year after a work accident that damaged his back and while he learned to walk again I took care of the business while I was taking care of him and my two sons, because I was there when he lost his parents in a car accident, because we have been to hell and back together and we have always loved each other.

Edited December 7, 2016 by dragon_fly_7

[Jersey born raised]

Please take this advise:

 

First read this thread http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/365269-things-every-wayward-spouse-needs-know. This will help you understand his mind set. You must learn to know his pain and make it your own.

 

Next read this thread and use it on your OM. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/406628-critical-readings-separation-divorce. Your husband will naturally engage in some of these points with you so learn to cope and overcome them.

 

I wonder how much of your adultery is rooted in the Madonna/slut complex. You feit you couldn't share these desires and he feit he couldn't ask. Merging love and lust into a single relationship is difficult. I've know guys who comminted adultery because they feit they couldn't ask their wife's to do it.

 

True story: I knew a woman who kept 15 dollars in her purse for her husband to get a BJ from a hooker anytime he wanted. This was in the early eighties, don't know the going pricing now.

 

Do searches on mind movies, triggers, TT, gas lighting and blame shifting. One of your early posts you alluded to your much more extensive sexual relationship with OM. Seek MC to explore this topic with him. You might want to insist on this before sharing. Be firm in I will be completely open but only in MC to start.

[Bryanp]

You certainly have a an uphill fight but you are trying very hard.

 

You better have a handle of the following that your husband has probably thought about.

 

1. If the affair was going on for 2 years then there must have been times that you were intimate with your husband after you had been with the OM. This is devastating for many men to contemplate.

 

2. In addition, if the affair was going on for 2 years then your husband will assume that you never used protection and therefore consistently put his health at risk for STD's. He may ask you that if you loved your husband then why would you be willing to risk his health in such a manner?

 

3. If the roles were reversed and he had spent 2 years being sexually intimate with his lover behind your back, would you have accepted him back and what would you want him to do to prove his love toward you?

 

I wish you luck.

[Cephalopod]

Anything that had anything to do with the affair...burn it, throw it away or get rid of it. Clothing, yoga pants, sexy underwear..hell, if you did the deed in your car get rid of that car. All of those will be triggers to him.

 

If you had girlfriends who were your wing-women during your affair and hid the truth from your husband, they need to be gone, as in yesterday. No more girls nights out, no girl parties, no clubbing, no going out socializing without him.

 

Basically, you need to live like a nun until he decides what he's going to do.

 

No more male friends. No more being around men alone without him.

 

Facebook? Shut it down.

 

Get yourself into weekly individual counseling with a pro-marriage counselor who will expect you to work on your issues and not blame your husband. Read Not Just Friends, After the Affair and His Needs, Her Needs. Read them and absorb what you read.

 

Cook his favorite meals, keep the house spotless, dress up pretty and act like you are happy to see him when he gets home...even if he tries to keep away from you.

 

These are a few things you can do.

[DKT3]

You certainly have a an uphill fight but you are trying very hard.

 

You better have a handle of the following that your husband has probably thought about.

 

1. If the affair was going on for 2 years then there must have been times that you were intimate with your husband after you had been with the OM. This is devastating for many men to contemplate.

 

2. In addition, if the affair was going on for 2 years then your husband will assume that you never used protection and therefore consistently put his health at risk for STD's. He may ask you that if you loved your husband then why would you be willing to risk his health in such a manner?

 

3. If the roles were reversed and he had spent 2 years being sexually intimate with his lover behind your back, would you have accepted him back and what would you want him to do to prove his love toward you?

 

I wish you luck.

 

No one honestly answerz #3.

[kgcolonel]

You may have covered this but it needs to be covered if not...did you practice safe sex during your A. If you did not, you will need to cross that bridge with your husband....