I cheated, now my life is destroyed. (long )

[BoaConstrictor]

Homealone,

 

In psychology terms, you appear incongruent, you don't 'look' how you 'fee', you don't 'act' what you say you 'feel', you 'appear' like the way you 'write'.

 

Words mean very little to your husband right now, without congruent feeling. Maybe it's your language barrier? But you appear to get your point across clearly to me... just without the feelings of remorse.... only your words are there.

 

I hardly think you can pick up accurately on feelings of remorse through the screen. Plus, words and a voice riddled with remorse are cheap. Groveling can be cheap. Actions, however, speak pretty loudly, and it seems to me that she is focused on reconciliation. The level of betrayal is huge, and it might not work. But getting into counseling right away, cutting off contact, making a timeline, and all the other things she is doing point to remorse to me.

[BetrayedH]

Still, that will be all his assumption not my words.

 

So you will be deciding what he can handle and what he can't? You'll be the one deciding what he gets to know and what he doesn't?

 

Meant gently, you do realize how arrogant that sounds, right? It's your judgement about what he gets to know that is on trial here. You have lied to him and deceived him for two years and now you'll be the one to control the flow of information?

 

Look, I respect your desire to follow your counselor's lead on this. But you must also realize that your counselor is also a flawed human being like everyone else. As I said before, I think it's perfectly fine to not volunteer sexual details that aren't requested. And I think it's fine to caution your husband that some things may simply be hurtful (rather than beneficial) and cannot be unheard and to ask if if he is sure he wants those answers. But you need to understand that evasive responses, lies, or refusals to answer run the risk of being a dealbreaker. You say there will be no secrets between you and your husband. But at that same time you've already defined what you are keeping to yourself. If I were your H, that would be a huge red flag to me. And if I were advising your H, I'd be telling him to file for divorce because you still don't get it. I suggest you readdress this with your therapist and see if they could get on board with full honesty (when requested) approach.

 

I don't mean to be harsh. I'm just trying to make sure you understand what the consequences of your decision might mean. If I couldn't get straight answers from you, I'd be on the phone to my attorney. If your choice is between working through his mind movies or divorce, I say you work through the mind movies.

 

Choose wisely.

[BoaConstrictor]

As a man two years of emails filled with I love you, sexting, mutual masturbation on Skype or face time on the phone, with hooking up for bad sex twice is a walk in the park to get over.

 

You can't generalize like this. Well, I guess you can, but it wouldn't be accurate.

 

I did much, much less than you lay out above. Definitely no sex, no Skype hanky-panky, no I love yous, and it only lasted a few weeks. Regardless, my husband is having a very, very hard time getting over it. Sure, a long term affair would have been worse, but these types of online connections are not a walk in the park to get over either. They are founded on the same discontents and can elicit the same insecurities and painful questioning of prior realities as longer term affairs.

[GoldenR]

As far as me not wanting your H to take you back, you're wrong. I don't have a horse in those race. I want your H to do what he wants to do.

 

My only point in threads like these is, if you only stopped the A bc you got busted, why then should anyone think there is remorse? You'd still be doing it for who knows how much longer if you hadn't gotten caught. Does remorse only happen if you're caught?

 

One more thing that sticks out to me is that you know the exact number of times you slept with OM. If it was just a handful of times, that would be understandable. But keeping track of how many times with the final number being 17 gives me another reason to think you had feelings for OM. I know you say you didn't....not sure which would be better.

[Satu]

You can't generalize like this. Well, I guess you can, but it wouldn't be accurate.

 

I did much, much less than you lay out above. Definitely no sex, no Skype hanky-panky, no I love yous, and it only lasted a few weeks. Regardless, *my husband is having a very, very hard time getting over it. Sure, a long term affair would have been worse, but these types of online connections are not a walk in the park to get over either. They are founded on the same discontents and can elicit the same insecurities and painful questioning of prior realities as longer term affairs.

 

I don't think that anyone ever "gets over it," but some people learn to live with it.

[GoldenR]

You can't generalize like this. Well, I guess you can, but it wouldn't be accurate.

 

I did much, much less than you lay out above. Definitely no sex, no Skype hanky-panky, no I love yous, and it only lasted a few weeks. Regardless, my husband is having a very, very hard time getting over it. Sure, a long term affair would have been worse, but these types of online connections are not a walk in the park to get over either. They are founded on the same discontents and can elicit the same insecurities and painful questioning of prior realities as longer term affairs.

 

But....your H will never have to wonder who was better.

[Cephalopod]

Regardless of whether you loved the OM or not, for two years you were essentially married to two men. You got great sex and physical validation from your OM, while enjoying the fruits of marriage and family life with your husband. While he is definitely disgusted with the sex part, what really is hurting your husband is the deception and duplicity. He feels like you made a fool of him. That will be hard for him to get over.

 

I'm not troubled by your flat affect as some of the other posters. I do honestly believe you love being married to your husband. Whether or not you truly love him for the person he is and as a lover is another question. I think you view your husband as your husband, and nothing more. He is your friend and the father of your children. He's the provider and rock of the family and for that you may respect him somewhat. But I do not think you view him as a lover. It does not sound to me like you lust after him and desire him the way you do your OM. He understands this well, and it is a bitter pill.

 

Rarely do waywards coming out of long term affairs show anything resembling true remorse. I think with time, introspection, work and therapy, and continued separation from the OM and men in general, you will eventually come to a place of full remorse down the road. But it is too soon. Right now you feel guilt, shame, fear and embarrassment. Only when things have settled down and you are past those immediate feelings, will you be able to have the emotional calm necessary to fully step back and view the devastation you have wrought on the one man who would have sacrificed his life for you.

 

I don't think you are a bad or evil person. I think you are a SAHM who got bored with her marriage, bored with home life, wanted an escape from the day to day, and you found that escape in the bed of another man. Unfortunately, you probably got addicted to the illicit nature of the affair and got caught up in something you could barely control or stop. Like a snowball rolling down a snowy slope. It started off small but by the end had grown into a massive avalanche that could not be stopped unto it destroyed the village below.

 

It's tragic really. Very much the stuff that sad songs are made from.

[BoaConstrictor]

But....your H will never have to wonder who was better.

 

Feels like cold comfort right now, but yes, you are certainly correct.

 

Do women have the same reaction? Do BWs become plagued with doubt about their sexual prowess? It's hard to know how I would react, but I imagine different things would plague me.

[BetrayedH]

There is nothing I can say that makes it right, If I say yes he will think yes and if I say no he will think yes.... it doesn't matter what I say but it matters how I say it and the counselor has been very clear on that. While my counselor is working to help me and help my relationship with my husband you and some others are definitely not, you think my husband should not take me back and you may be right but the fact is that I am going to fight for my marriage whether some people here like it or not.

 

My answer and attitude is not towards my husband but towards some posters who are not contributing ...just lashing out. This is my last answer to anyone of you individually. I will keep updating on how things are developing and taking the good advises until I think there is nothing positive to take anymore.

 

This forum is most certainly a very difficult place for waywards, especially wayward women. A lot of people here have been betrayed and it's clear that some want to extract their pound of flesh from you.

 

The best advice I can give is to highly consider what is helpful and to discard the rest. But I would recommend staying engaged here, at least with those that are doing more than throwing daggers. But even those posts can be helpful. I tend to recommend you treat this place as a practice arena. Whatever is said here is probably at least felt by your husband, whether he says it or not. If you can endure revealing yourself here and subject yourself to the challenges posed by baring yourself here, it may very well help prepare you for what lies ahead.

 

If something or someone here resonates with you, I'd encourage you to reply and explore. Just refuse to engage in or with insults. Again, it's good practice. If you can survive us, you might do well at home.

 

Good luck.

[BoaConstrictor]

OP, before you posted the details about the OM, I suspected that he was likely sleeping with other women, given the location of his house near the gym.

 

For what it's worth, OP, I STILL believe you that this was only sex to you. I also wouldn't attach to a player like that. It makes perfect sense to me. I've experienced my own surge of hormones in my late thirties and have my own reptilian brain to contend with. It's not an excuse, merely an explanation for how a woman could seek out just sex, even for two years.

 

In general, I reject the stark divisions I see on LS regarding gender reactions and such. They might be trends, but that doesn't mean every man or woman reacts so.

[GoldenR]

Feels like cold comfort right now, but yes, you are certainly correct.

 

Do women have the same reaction? Do BWs become plagued with doubt about their sexual prowess? It's hard to know how I would react, but I imagine different things would plague me.

 

 

Some may react the same, but I think most don't.

 

If you were my (now ex-) W, I'd have gotten over it and we'd still be together.

[gettingstronger]

This forum is most certainly a very difficult place for waywards, especially wayward women. A lot of people here have been betrayed and it's clear that some want to extract their pound of flesh from you.

 

The best advice I can give is to highly consider what is helpful and to discard the rest. But I would recommend staying engaged here, at least with those that are doing more than throwing daggers. But even those posts can be helpful. I tend to recommend you treat this place as a practice arena. Whatever is said here is probably at least felt by your husband, whether he says it or not. If you can endure revealing yourself here and subject yourself to the challenges posed by baring yourself here, it may very well help prepare you for what lies ahead.

 

If something or someone here resonates with you, I'd encourage you to reply and explore. Just refuse to engage in or with insults. Again, it's good practice. If you can survive us, you might do well at home.

 

Good luck.

 

On this, I agree! These posts are nothing compared to the gut wrenching fights and conversations we had post DDay. Prepare, you'll both say and do some brutal stuff as you work through this.

[homealone123]

So you will be deciding what he can handle and what he can't? You'll be the one deciding what he gets to know and what he doesn't?

 

Meant gently, you do realize how arrogant that sounds, right? It's your judgement about what he gets to know that is on trial here. You have lied to him and deceived him for two years and now you'll be the one to control the flow of information?

 

Look, I respect your desire to follow your counselor's lead on this. But you must also realize that your counselor is also a flawed human being like everyone else. As I said before, I think it's perfectly fine to not volunteer sexual details that aren't requested. And I think it's fine to caution your husband that some things may simply be hurtful (rather than beneficial) and cannot be unheard and to ask if if he is sure he wants those answers. But you need to understand that evasive responses, lies, or refusals to answer run the risk of being a dealbreaker. You say there will be no secrets between you and your husband. But at that same time you've already defined what you are keeping to yourself. If I were your H, that would be a huge red flag to me. And if I were advising your H, I'd be telling him to file for divorce because you still don't get it. I suggest you readdress this with your therapist and see if they could get on board with full honesty (when requested) approach.

 

I don't mean to be harsh. I'm just trying to make sure you understand what the consequences of your decision might mean. If I couldn't get straight answers from you, I'd be on the phone to my attorney. If your choice is between working through his mind movies or divorce, I say you work through the mind movies.

 

Choose wisely.

 

I appreciate your advise and I like the less judgmental tone and the cold advise but please don't tell me that my counselor who has many years of treating this issues and who by the way was a BS himself before he started counseling is wrong and you are right. Further than that what I am saying is the truth, you can't compare 2 persons totally different in bed, if my husband ask me if I climax with OM by penetration I will say yes, I will not lie but if he ask me if OM was better...I will say no, just different and is the truth. OM gave me things that my husband could not give me (I ma sure he could if I guide him now) because we didn't know but my husband give me things when I make love with him that my OM never could, if you have make love with someone you love and with someone you don't you could see the difference. I am not lying when I say it is different, because it is different.

Edited December 8, 2016 by homealone123

[GoldenR]

In general, I reject the stark divisions I see on LS regarding gender reactions and such. They might be trends, but that doesn't mean every man or woman reacts so.

 

My generalisation actually had nothing to do with gender. When I read posts that say the person cheating has been in a LTR with their SO, those are the ppl that I think get the emotional attachments during an R.

 

Contrarily, if I read about a newlywed doing it, or a serial cheater, for them I think it's only sex.

 

Heck, if I were to have a two year A, I'm 100% sure I'd have feelings for my OW.

[homealone123]

As far as me not wanting your H to take you back, you're wrong. I don't have a horse in those race. I want your H to do what he wants to do.

 

My only point in threads like these is, if you only stopped the A bc you got busted, why then should anyone think there is remorse? You'd still be doing it for who knows how much longer if you hadn't gotten caught. Does remorse only happen if you're caught?

 

One more thing that sticks out to me is that you know the exact number of times you slept with OM. If it was just a handful of times, that would be understandable. But keeping track of how many times with the final number being 17 gives me another reason to think you had feelings for OM. I know you say you didn't....not sure which would be better.

 

And again you are doing the wrong assumptions, I didn't know it was 17 times till I made the timeline for my husband with the calendar in my hand... but you can believe what you wants, I am tired of this stupid discussion...

[GoldenR]

I appreciate your advise and I like the less judgmental tone and the cold advise but please don't tell me that my counselor who has many years of treating this issues and who by the way was a BS himself before he started counseling is wrong and you are right. Further than that what I am saying is the truth, you can't compare 2 persons totally different in bed, if my husband ask me if I climax with OM by penetration I will say yes, I will not lie but if he ask me if OM was better...I will say no, just different and is the truth. OM gave me things that my husband could not give me (I ma sure he could if I guide him now) because we didn't know but my husband give me things when I make love with him that my OM never could, if you have make love with someone you love and with someone you don't you could see the difference. I am not lying when I say it is different, because it is different.

 

Your point here, I can understand 100%.

 

If the time comes that you're intimate with your H again, the "guiding him" thing, I'm just not sure how you'll go about doing that without him thinking that you want him to do it like the OM did it. Perhaps if you can get him to go to a sex therapist with you? Idk....

 

Hopefully you do get to this point. Cross that bridge at that time.

[GoldenR]

And again you are doing the wrong assumptions, I didn't know it was 17 times till I made the timeline for my husband with the calendar in my hand... but you can believe what you wants, I am tired of this stupid discussion...

 

I think that you think I'm saying that having feelings would be worse. I'm not. I guess for the WS to not have feelings it's easier for the WS to R. Not sure what's easier for the BS.

[MJJean]

Feels like cold comfort right now, but yes, you are certainly correct.

 

Do women have the same reaction? Do BWs become plagued with doubt about their sexual prowess? It's hard to know how I would react, but I imagine different things would plague me.

 

Yes, women can have the same reaction. I think a lot do. If my DH told me he had been in an affair for 2 years, but it was only sexual and not emotional, I would naturally conclude the sex was amazing. Otherwise, he wouldn't have kept going back for more on a regular basis for such a long period of time.

 

Do I suggest giving details? No. A BS doesn't need a blow by blow account of every sexual encounter. Do I think something more general is required? Yes.

 

The quality of sex in the marriage has been rather meh compared to the OM. If there is a hope in hell of saving the marriage, he'll have to know that the sex was better and WHY. Otherwise, they just go back to the same semi-satisfying sex.

[homealone123]

I think that you think I'm saying that having feelings would be worse. I'm not. I guess for the WS to not have feelings it's easier for the WS to R. Not sure what's easier for the BS.

 

I don't know if it is better or worse...but it is the truth and the truth is that I am 100% for reconciling and I hope my husband will give me just a chance to show him that.

I have to contain myself not to go home and prepare dinner for him and the boys... but I will give him the space he has requested and I will work on myself while I do that. The good news is that my little one will come to visit me after dinner.

[GoldenR]

I don't know if it is better or worse...but it is the truth and the truth is that I am 100% for reconciling and I hope my husband will give me just a chance to show him that.

I have to contain myself not to go home and prepare dinner for him and the boys... but I will give him the space he has requested and I will work on myself while I do that. The good news is that my little one will come to visit me after dinner.

 

I feel for you with your kids. If the oldest is a teen as yours is, that will be a very difficult relationship to navigate for a while, especially if you guys decide to separate or D. With my ex, after 9 months of my oldest daughter (who was 14 at the time) barely speaking with her mom on the phone and not seeing her in person that entire time, I eventually had to force her to go to her mom's house for Mother's Day. I should have acted earlier, but I kept thinking to just let her heal on her own schedule. That was not smart on my part I found out, bc as soon as I made her go see her, their relationship began healing.

 

Having to watch your kids deal with the fallout of an A sucks. I'll keep you in my thoughts....

[MJJean]

My generalisation actually had nothing to do with gender. When I read posts that say the person cheating has been in a LTR with their SO, those are the ppl that I think get the emotional attachments during an R.

 

Contrarily, if I read about a newlywed doing it, or a serial cheater, for them I think it's only sex.

 

Heck, if I were to have a two year A, I'm 100% sure I'd have feelings for my OW.

 

I'm another one of those people capable of having a long term affair and it being only about the sex. I had multiple affairs during my first marriage, some short and some long term. The longest was 6 years, off and on. I became emotionally involved with none of them. It really was all about the sex. I enjoyed conversation, too, don't get me wrong. But the whole point was the sex.

 

My DH is more like you. He couldn't have a 2 month sexual relationship without getting involved, much less 2 years!

 

 

 

Your point here, I can understand 100%.

 

If the time comes that you're intimate with your H again, the "guiding him" thing, I'm just not sure how you'll go about doing that without him thinking that you want him to do it like the OM did it. Perhaps if you can get him to go to a sex therapist with you? Idk....

 

Hopefully you do get to this point. Cross that bridge at that time.

 

A sex therapist is a great idea. If OP's husband were to take her back, it'd be a disaster for him to think she is trying to shape him into the OM.However, if he could see it as her learning about her body and needs, if it could be explained to him in that context, maybe there'd be a chance. A therapist specializing in sex might be able to offer some guidance that a stardard therapist wouldn't.

 

I think that you think I'm saying that having feelings would be worse. I'm not. I guess for the WS to not have feelings it's easier for the WS to R. Not sure what's easier for the BS.

 

What's easier for the BS depends on the BS. Some BS could easily forgive a purely physical affair as long as there weren't emotions involved. Others could easily forgive a purely emotional affair as long as nothing physical happened.

[KimJ1234]

Home alone....I've been following your post and thought I'd add my 2 cents. I'm a BW so it's hard to sympathize but can see from your posts that you are hurting too.

 

All the time we focus on the hurt of the betrayed but forget that the cheater can hurt too.

 

I can tell you from experience some things that helped me decide to stay with my H:

 

I had to REALLY believe his remorse. You could say 'I'm sorry' a million times but something needs to happen to make him believe this. Words don't mean anything.

 

It's an action that will make him believe your remorse and it will have to be huge.

My H had a huge melt down one day. Cried so hard I was actually very scared...thought he was suicidal. It sounds heartless but I felt releived at that moment b/c he finally understood my pain.

 

You need to provide full access to your phone, location, etc. Don't you dare put up resistance to this or he will believe you are lying about everything. If he wants to check your phone just smile and hand it to him.

 

Do everything you can to make him feel good about himself. More than words. He needs actions.

 

I wish you all the best.

[KimJ1234]

Also, I remember when I was in high school my teacher telling me something that always stuck in my head...

 

When you use the word "but" in a sentence you should ignore everything before the word and only focus on what comes after.

 

Ex. "I'm sorry I hurt you BUT I just got caught up in the moment"

Meaning: you're not actually sorry you hurt him...you just took advantage of the moment.

 

When you apologize NEVER use the word "but" in the sentence. Otherwise you've just turned the apology into an excuse.

[GoldenR]

I just saw where you said English isn't your first language. Your posts with your rare mistakes are still easier to read than a lot of people on here who only know English. Lol.

[Ocdude]

Home alone....I've been following your post and thought I'd add my 2 cents. I'm a BW so it's hard to sympathize but can see from your posts that you are hurting too.

 

All the time we focus on the hurt of the betrayed but forget that the cheater can hurt too.

 

I can tell you from experience some things that helped me decide to stay with my H:

 

I had to REALLY believe his remorse. You could say 'I'm sorry' a million times but something needs to happen to make him believe this. Words don't mean anything.

 

It's an action that will make him believe your remorse and it will have to be huge.

My H had a huge melt down one day. Cried so hard I was actually very scared...thought he was suicidal. It sounds heartless but I felt releived at that moment b/c he finally understood my pain.

 

You need to provide full access to your phone, location, etc. Don't you dare put up resistance to this or he will believe you are lying about everything. If he wants to check your phone just smile and hand it to him.

 

Do everything you can to make him feel good about himself. More than words. He needs actions.

 

I wish you all the best.

 

I think that I should have just said that. I do believe that you are remorseful. I hope that you can reconcile. Help heal yourself, your husband and kids.