alabama20 Posted December 6, 2016 Share Posted December 6, 2016 Looking for some advice please. I had a brief tryst with a MM but he ghosted me and went NC. It's been 3 years, and I am now recently engaged. My fiance is the love of my life. But I'm terrified the MM's wife is going to find out and try to ruin my life. Is it a terrible idea to contact the MM to make sure he's deleted everything? Unfortunately, I did not have the foresight to not leave a trail. Should I just assume that I got away with this terrible mistake? Link to post Share on other sites
Philosoraptor Posted December 6, 2016 Share Posted December 6, 2016 Looking for some advice please. I had a brief tryst with a MM but he ghosted me and went NC. It's been 3 years, and I am now recently engaged. My fiance is the love of my life. But I'm terrified the MM's wife is going to find out and try to ruin my life. Is it a terrible idea to contact the MM to make sure he's deleted everything? Unfortunately, I did not have the foresight to not leave a trail. Should I just assume that I got away with this terrible mistake? How would this ruin your life? Were you in a relationship with your current fiance at the time? Were you not honest with your partner about your past? Seems like the person with something still to lose is your exMM Link to post Share on other sites
LargoLagg Posted December 6, 2016 Share Posted December 6, 2016 Looking for some advice please. I had a brief tryst with a MM but he ghosted me and went NC. It's been 3 years, and I am now recently engaged. My fiance is the love of my life. But I'm terrified the MM's wife is going to find out and try to ruin my life. Is it a terrible idea to contact the MM to make sure he's deleted everything? Unfortunately, I did not have the foresight to not leave a trail. Should I just assume that I got away with this terrible mistake? Ruin how, exactly? Yes, probably a very bad idea. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author alabama20 Posted December 6, 2016 Author Share Posted December 6, 2016 How would this ruin your life? Were you in a relationship with your current fiance at the time? Were you not honest with your partner about your past? Seems like the person with something still to lose is your exMM Yes, I was in a relationship with my current fiance at the time. I'm not proud of it, but I've learned from it. I have not told him. Link to post Share on other sites
Philosoraptor Posted December 6, 2016 Share Posted December 6, 2016 Yes, I was in a relationship with my current fiance at the time. I'm not proud of it, but I've learned from it. I have not told him. A relationship built on a lie is a ticking time bomb. If you want long term security, you'd be best to come clean. This will hang over your head for the rest of your life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
heartwhole Posted December 6, 2016 Share Posted December 6, 2016 The only way to take complete control of the narrative (and, in my opinion, be the sort of person worthy of the life-long commitment of a deserving partner) is to tell your fiance. I don't believe you can build a solid foundation on lies. I also don't believe you can change your character just by deciding you made a mistake and promising yourself to do better. IMO you will need professional help and the accountability of your loved ones to learn new skills and change the things about yourself that made an affair a viable option to you. The chances that a long dead affair will be revealed aren't great, but they're always there. Maybe xMM will have another affair, get caught, and come clean about everything. You just don't know. Even then, many BW would not seek out the current fiance of a 4 year old affair. Chances are it will never be discovered, but to me, the most important thing is becoming the best possible version of yourself. Is the best possible version of yourself someone who makes selfish, reckless, destructive choices and then hides them from her loved ones to avoid the consequences of those choices? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Matahari007 Posted December 6, 2016 Share Posted December 6, 2016 Alabama, I don't think you should EVER contact your old affair partner. If that part of your life is done with and you have forgiven yourself than don't go back there. As far as telling your fiance about your brief affair....well to me that is a personal decision and if you know that you will never entertain an affair again I don't see the harm in moving on and leaving that in the past. Everyone has their own opinion on this but if its something you have learned from than I wish you and your fiance nothing but love and happiness. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FoundMyStrength Posted December 6, 2016 Share Posted December 6, 2016 Alabama, I don't think you should EVER contact your old affair partner. If that part of your life is done with and you have forgiven yourself than don't go back there. As far as telling your fiance about your brief affair....well to me that is a personal decision and if you know that you will never entertain an affair again I don't see the harm in moving on and leaving that in the past. Everyone has their own opinion on this but if its something you have learned from than I wish you and your fiance nothing but love and happiness. Agree with this. My take is that contacting your xAP is more likely to rock the boat. Bring up old feelings, guilt, etc., in your xAP that might increase the possibility of disclosure. Even a single message from you, if discovered by the BW, could lead to exactly what you don't want to happen. As for your fiance, I agree that's a personal decision. If I were in his/her shoes, though, I think I would want to hear about it before you actually tie the knot. That way, he/she can make a decision based on all of the facts. For me, it would feel like a worse betrayal to have someone allow me to marry them and then find out afterward. This is said without any judgment. I'm an xOW myself, so just throwing out how I think I would feel in that situation. Link to post Share on other sites
CommittedToThis Posted December 6, 2016 Share Posted December 6, 2016 Please consider telling your fiance the truth, it's not fair to him, he's making a decision to marry you -- a lifetime commitment -- and you cheated on him. He needs to know this, otherwise, because of you, he is not being offered the dignity of being able to make an informed decision. And, like, you're going to be a good partner to him while you're worried sick the xMM's BS busting you out of revenge? You're lying to your fiance, and your soon to be marriage looks to be built on a foundation of untruths. Own up and take responsibility, otherwise this will all come around and bite you, guarantee. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author alabama20 Posted December 6, 2016 Author Share Posted December 6, 2016 Does it matter that we didn't have sex and physical content only happened once? Link to post Share on other sites
CommittedToThis Posted December 6, 2016 Share Posted December 6, 2016 Does it matter that we didn't have sex and physical content only happened once? Ask your fiance; to me, personally, no, it doesn't matter, I'm not asking you to be my wife. Link to post Share on other sites
Author alabama20 Posted December 6, 2016 Author Share Posted December 6, 2016 Ask your fiance; to me, personally, no, it doesn't matter, I'm not asking you to be my wife. Good point Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted December 6, 2016 Share Posted December 6, 2016 It's a reach to say you've learned a lesson when your still not authentic. Fortunately or unfortunately depending on what side you stand on the Infidelity triangle, these things most of the time comes out in the wash. If you really truly have learned and want to move forward then take control and be honest with your man. Honestly, you've learned nothing since your first instinct of this is more of the same behavior, hiding and lying. Long term, it will most likely blow up in your face. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MidnightBlue1980 Posted December 6, 2016 Share Posted December 6, 2016 Does it matter that we didn't have sex and physical content only happened once? The question is why are you still thinking about this guy 3 years later. To me that is the red flag. If it meant nothing, you would be excited about your wedding, not thinking about some guy would did not even sleep with way back when. Link to post Share on other sites
malvern99 Posted December 6, 2016 Share Posted December 6, 2016 Does it matter that we didn't have sex and physical content only happened once? If you think what you and your AP did is not that big deal, then telling your fiance what you did shouldn't be a big deal either. If the shoe was on the other foot, and it was your fiance who had cheated on you, wouldn't you think you had the right to know the truth before you tied the knot? I disagree with those who say coming clean or not is a personal decision. It's closer to manipulation than it is to a personal decision. Personal decisions are meant to affect only your life and no one else's. Once your personal decisions begin to encroach on the rights of other adults to make life shaping decisions for themselves, then it is time to stop and take a thorough look at yourself and your motives in the mirror. Good luck to you. Link to post Share on other sites
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