Casual dating/hookup vs serious relationships

[Blackened Heart]

I've been in a bit of conflict within myself as of late. About a month or two back, I had a relationship end that hit me hard and it really started making me feel bitter and hardened within, hence the username I had actually picked when joining this site.

 

For a bit of time now, I have done casual hookups and have been quite successful at it. My approach is being aggressive, very forward, and having little to no lingering feelings, almost as if shutting down my emotions.

 

The problem I am having is that this type of behavior is the complete opposite of how I have been most of my life. With the women I have been before, in serious relationships, I would be patient, very empathetic to what they say and feel, court a woman and in a sense put her needs as a priority. If something really bothered me I would speak up and place my foot down on the matter, but I wouldn't fight over any little thing, only the real big infractions, if that makes sense.

 

The thing is, when I would do this, and even tried a bit very recently, the response from women is typically very lukewarm, it would always feel like an uphill battle. Half promises, mixed signals, being strung along and so forth are not things I am uncommon with.

 

And it's making me, in a way, lose my respect towards women that I use to have. That the now me, being virtually emotionless, getting what I want and moving on, is what attracts women. That instead of being respective towards them, holding out from going straight towards sex talk and actually getting to know them isn't what works, why bother?

 

And I don't mean like I am rude or calling them names, I just point blank say what I'm looking for and compliment them sexually.

 

I don't know, maybe a part of the problem could just very well be in the area I live in (southern california) and that is the culture in this region. I use to always think what I've wanted in life is a good woman to settle down with and have a deep connection, but after the many times I have had my heart scarred from trying to be that good guy and gentleman, it doesn't seem worth it.

 

I'm sure there will be post saying that there are good women out there who do want a true gentleman, someone who has their act together and all that, and I am sure there are. But right now, it seems like either they are a real rarity, or don't open up when it presents itself to them and rather go for the current version of me.

[Philosoraptor]

Quite the conundrum it seems. You've found an easier path to something that is in itself unsatisfying, but presents quick results.

 

I think you need to figure out exactly what you want. You may consider these "good women" a real rarity, but that's what makes it special. Putting on an act certainly will never attract the kind of mate you are truly looking for. Only by being your most true, and natural, self can attract the right mate for you.

 

Also, keep in mind. Many of these women, like yourself, are also putting on an act out there. I'm certain many of them want a gentlemen, but have been hurt enough to shut down their emotions too. Conditioned to believe the best way to get someone is just to put out.

 

It's always hard to continue to open up and put yourself out there after being hurt, but it will always yield the most positive results in the end. They may not come quick or easy, but they will be the best for you when they do come.

 

I started a thread about this years ago myself. I decided to remain open and put myself out there, and I eventually met my wonderful wife and we have a handsome little boy now. : http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/333147-does-openness-scare-people-away

[Miss Peach]

I look for men like your old self. While I do like directness, if a man does the stuff your posted I assume he put me in the 'good times' category and proceed as if that's the case. Since I'm not the type who likes FWBs, he better have a good hook or I must be bored.

[Blackened Heart]

Quite the conundrum it seems. You've found an easier path to something that is in itself unsatisfying, but presents quick results.

 

I think you need to figure out exactly what you want. You may consider these "good women" a real rarity, but that's what makes it special. Putting on an act certainly will never attract the kind of mate you are truly looking for. Only by being your most true, and natural, self can attract the right mate for you.

 

Also, keep in mind. Many of these women, like yourself, are also putting on an act out there. I'm certain many of them want a gentlemen, but have been hurt enough to shut down their emotions too. Conditioned to believe the best way to get someone is just to put out.

 

It's always hard to continue to open up and put yourself out there after being hurt, but it will always yield the most positive results in the end. They may not come quick or easy, but they will be the best for you when they do come.

 

I started a thread about this years ago myself. I decided to remain open and put myself out there, and I eventually met my wonderful wife and we have a handsome little boy now. : http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/333147-does-openness-scare-people-away

 

Thanks for sharing your post Philosoraptor, the openness you spoke of in there of scaring people or making others feel like they have to open up themselves is quite true. In a lot of ways I am very open about who I am, feel, and think as I do not have any shame of who I am or how I feel. But I can see how it makes other want to avoid.

 

I actually met up with a woman yesterday, very smart and open like myself, but was not looking for any kind of relationship as she couldn't commit to one. We hooked up, talked for hours, and parted ways. That to me is dangerous territory, because she said to reach out to her again, but I may not, because I may develop feelings in a situation that won't lead to anything.

 

For me, the mental stimulation is the most powerful for me, not the physical. And talking with this woman triggers that. Hooking up is fun, but as you said, it's just a temporary thing, a quick fix and way to ignore the pain and loneliness.

[umirano]

That's pretty much the situation I find myself in right now. My RS also ended in October. Right now I am so cynical, it's frankly upsetting. I've spoken with family and friends and said things like "please don't bring around any prospective girlfriends, I've had enough for a while.". I haven't dated but I suspect I'll be casual dating in a few weeks, the way you described it OP.

 

What do you think about not hooking up? And just staying celibate until a girl shows up that causes butterflies?

[Blackened Heart]

It has crossed my mind several times, to not do the casual hook ups and stay celibate. In fact I try to keep myself as busy as possible. I do my work, train in jiu jitsu about eight times a week now, archery in the weekend, hanging with friends at the bar, hikes, concerts and pretty much anything I can do to keep myself busy.

 

As I stated before, I recognize the hook ups are just a distraction. It's kind of the situation just arises, when I'm out doing these, I'm real passionate about it and that attracts others. And when the opportunity is there, it's hard to pass up because we'll, it's another distraction.

 

My biggest issue when I'm not busy, I think way to much and dwell in the past. It gets really bad for me mentally and I do whatever I can to not be in an alone state.

 

Idk honestly anymore, I might just have to try to discipline myself more from just hooking up, despite it being so easy for me at the moment. Two of my friends want to start planning to go hunting with our bows, so might focus hard on that and keep my pants closed lol.