Should I let a former fling go?

[Babycat05]

I've been seeing this man on and off since 2010. Due to the distance, we converse mostly via chat or email. We met a couple of times throughout the years to hookup. He wrote an email to me back in February 2016 asking if I'm seeing anyone. I never respond to that email. Fast forward to late November, I wrote an email asking him how was his Thanksgiving. We exchanged a couple of emails until recently he ended with "full disclosure: I'm completely attached at this point." I was caught off guard and my response was "what is your definition of attached? Are you married, engaged or in an exclusive sexual relationship?" and "are you going to get in trouble for conversing with me?" His reply is what irks me that I am writing this in the forum. He wrote "we're exclusive. We probably will get married soon. We can still chat if you want." WTF??? How do I reply to that email? He left me perplexed by his "at this point" and "probably". I do want a friendship with this man however our relationship always been sexual and flirtatious. How do we keep our relationship platonic and how do I ask if his significant other know about me and our past? Thanks for reading.

[Miss Clavel]

yes, i think you do have to let him go. if only for your own sake. say that, against, most of the "rules" of a polite society, leaving aside the moral ones, you two continue to "correspond", what are you going to talk about?

 

how much he should put down on their new house, how many carrots in her ring, the results of her ovulation test, whether the new man you are interested is actually married, a felon, too fine, or merely a creep, whether he should put his wife's snow tires on early or if, in your opinion, his MIL was ****faced drunk when she slipped him the tongue at the wedding reception or just having fun?

 

he's getting married, to someone else. even if that doesn't bother you emotionally, you gotta admit, it's a moral and legal contract where he will be asked to commit, exclusively, his body and soul.

 

it's beneath you to continue. he "belongs" to someone else.

 

if he persists, if he crosses any lines, texting, sexting, flirting or making actual offers to continue to hook up, i'd tell his finance. period.

 

or maybe, don't even wait. ask her if she's okay with him wanting to "chat" with you.

 

 

good luck

[goodyblue]

All you have to do in order to find the answer you seek is put yourself in the role of his partner. Would you want your boyfriend/fiance' to have a sexual relationship (online or otherwise) with another woman while you were planning your futire?

 

Amd do you want to be the OW? Nah. Don't do that to yourself, it is a rough gig. Sometimes men can be a little dense when it comes to relationships so do yourself a favor and set the tone by leaving things be.

 

?

[FoundMyStrength]

He left me perplexed by his "at this point" and "probably". I do want a friendship with this man however our relationship always been sexual and flirtatious.

 

From what you've described, it sounds like what he is saying is, "I now have a serious relationship, serious enough that we are engaged or considering marriage. However, if you would like to give me an ego boost by being my special friend who flirts and acts sexy with me, I would like to have that too. Let's keep doing that."

 

I dunno, I think the ball's in your court. If you want to be his side piece, it sounds like that is what he is offering, since sexy flirtation has always been your pattern with him. If not, you should tell him to bugger off.

[Satu]

"Forsaking all others."

 

You are one of the "others."

 

Let him go.

 

 

Take care.

[Babycat05]

"I dunno, I think the ball's in your court. If you want to be his side piece, it sounds like that is what he is offering, since sexy flirtation has always been your pattern with him. If not, you should tell him to bugger off."

 

I wish it's that easy to tell him bugger off. I really dunno.

[BuddyX]

Yes you do know. But truth hurts. Go NC. You will not get closure no matter how many questions you ask.

 

And oh yeah, don't be his "Sometimes"

[Babycat05]

I never want to me that other woman. I'm mad that he puts me in this situation. In some ways, I regret not replying to his email back in February. However, I'm taking all your suggestions and letting him go. I don't want to be the cause of a riff between them.

[FoundMyStrength]

"I dunno, I think the ball's in your court. If you want to be his side piece, it sounds like that is what he is offering, since sexy flirtation has always been your pattern with him. If not, you should tell him to bugger off."

 

I wish it's that easy to tell him bugger off. I really dunno.

 

It isn't easy, boy do I know. I loved my xMM quite dearly, and it hurts me every single day I force myself to NOT reach out to him.

 

But the truth is you just need to you to figure out what role you want. Do you want to be his OW? If so, continue on, it sounds like it's headed that way. But if that's something you don't want, for whatever reason, you have the control here. Go NC, and enforce it. Block him, avoid him, don't answer any attempts at contact. It isn't easy, but if you want to do it, it's possible.

[Midnightcowgirl]

You should let him go if you have any sort of feelings for him. Sounds like he could be trying to taunt you or make you jealous that he's with someone now

[Babycat05]

I thought about that he's using her to make me jealous or taunt me. He was honest when I asked him if he's going to tell her about us. His reply was she wouldn't know about it. And he always like to chat with me. Moreover, he doesn't see the harm in it. ? Seriously???!!!! I've been communicating with him for so long and this is the response I get. To be honest, I'm with him for so long because the sexual chemistry is unbelievable. It's an ego boost for me when he tells me when he's with another girl in bed, he thinks about me to achieve an orgasm. And we never had intercourse! We only fooled around in his bed. Because, I knew he was a lot more experienced and I didn't just want be another notch on his bedpost.

[Southern Sun]

I thought about that he's using her to make me jealous or taunt me. He was honest when I asked him if he's going to tell her about us. His reply was she wouldn't know about it. And he always like to chat with me. Moreover, he doesn't see the harm in it. ? Seriously???!!!! I've been communicating with him for so long and this is the response I get. To be honest, I'm with him for so long because the sexual chemistry is unbelievable. It's an ego boost for me when he tells me when he's with another girl in bed, he thinks about me to achieve an orgasm. And we never had intercourse! We only fooled around in his bed. Because, I knew he was a lot more experienced and I didn't just want be another notch on his bedpost.

 

Uhh, hmmm.

 

First, I know you've known him for a while, but it doesn't sound like you truly have a very close, intimate relationship. Like a REAL intimate relationship.

 

I would respond to his email and say you are very happy for him and his girlfriend and thus you think it's best if you not continue the same kind of relationship. Perhaps you can touch base now and again. Take care. And leave it AT THAT. You asked if she knows about you and your relationship with him...why should she need to know that? Let it be.

 

All of the quoted above? Just makes him sound even more like a jerk. Don't fall into the trap of giving him points for "honesty." Sorry. I would toss him.

[Miss Clavel]

And we never had intercourse! We only fooled around in his bed. Because, I knew he was a lot more experienced and I didn't just want be another notch on his bedpost.

 

looks like he does. and to add to that, he wanted to use you to make her jealous.

[road]

I've been seeing this man on and off since 2010. Due to the distance, we converse mostly via chat or email. We met a couple of times throughout the years to hookup. He wrote an email to me back in February 2016 asking if I'm seeing anyone. I never respond to that email. Fast forward to late November, I wrote an email asking him how was his Thanksgiving. We exchanged a couple of emails until recently he ended with "full disclosure: I'm completely attached at this point." I was caught off guard and my response was "what is your definition of attached? Are you married, engaged or in an exclusive sexual relationship?" and "are you going to get in trouble for conversing with me?" His reply is what irks me that I am writing this in the forum. He wrote "we're exclusive. We probably will get married soon. We can still chat if you want." WTF??? How do I reply to that email? He left me perplexed by his "at this point" and "probably". I do want a friendship with this man however our relationship always been sexual and flirtatious. How do we keep our relationship platonic and how do I ask if his significant other know about me and our past? Thanks for reading.

 

I assume you are not married. So you have ethics and have not cheated so why start now?

[ShatteredLady]

You enjoy the flattery. It's an ego boost for you. Do you continue?

 

The answer to that comes down to what kind of person you are. Some find it pretty easy to ignore the fact that they are doing something that can potentially forever change another human beings faith in love & herself without it really bothering them much.

 

Are you empathic or are you good at ignoring the morality & the possible ramifications of your actions? She's a complete stranger to you. You've been doing this for a while without becoming particularly emotionally entangled.

 

If you continue it's highly likely that she will find out one day & it will shatter her heart. You will be complicit in that. Will this haunt you now that you know she exists?

 

It brings you pleasure. It will bring her agony. Only you know if it's worth it to you.

[elaine567]

I never want to me that other woman. I'm mad that he puts me in this situation..

 

I thought about that he's using her to make me jealous or taunt me.

 

Your ego is getting in the way of reality. He has a gf and he has put you in the position of his OW.

YOU either accept that and carry on playing second fiddle to his gf, or you walk. Do not hang about in the mistaken belief he will eventually choose you. Do not let your ego persuade you that you are so much better then the gf and he WILL of course dump her. He has put you in the OW slot and once there women tend to stay there.

 

He feeds the OW lines that stroke her ego, she sticks around, he doesn't leave the gf, the OW gets more and more upset, he calms her down with promises, BUT he still doesn't leave, the gf finds out, he throws the OW under the bus, the OW is heartbroken, "How could he be so cruel, he told me he loved me..."

That scenario plays out time and time again on LS.

 

As for being "friends", he doesn't want or need a friend to discuss the weather and the price of property with, does he? The only way he will keep you around is for the chance of extra sex or as a ego boost.

Having two besotted women hankering after him is the stuff of dreams for some men. He is "da man".

Do not let your ego believe he truly cares for you...

 

He has not said "OMG Babycat, now I know you are interested, let me dump my gf right now so we can be together" - has he?

 

Stay away from him.

[Babycat05]

I did wish him and his fiancee well and told him I only want what is best for him. He was mad when I led with that. His exact reply was "whatever. you knew what you were getting into."

 

It was then that I ended things for good last night. My email was like : I don't know what to say. I just want to thank you for making me appreciate jazz. Happy Holidays. I think it's best we no longer keep in contact.

 

He replied back "Ok, I understand. Happy Holidays." It was just making me nausea when he calls himself an exhibitionism and pervert. I didn't want to be associated with someone like that.

Edited December 11, 2016 by Babycat05