Starting to compare myself to other females..how to stop?

[HorseLuck]

I caught my boyfriend (now ex) adding and speaking to random girls online. I can't be sure that he slept with another female during this time, nor do I care to dig deeper. That's all I needed to see.

 

What's starting to linger now is a feeling of inferiority and comparison with other females. He had a racial preference (which I was not and he said it didn't matter, but the girls he was speaking to were his preference), as well as liking a certain physical trait that I also didn't have. It didn't help that he would mention it from time to time with his preconceived notions/stereotypes. He's gone and it shouldn't matter as I will never open that door again, but now when i see other females that I find more attractive or that remind me of his preference- I start beating myself up. How do I stop? I don't want my self esteem to plummet.

[breakupthrowaway663]

Oof, I know the feeling. I was recently cheated on and thought our relationship was roses and violets. Of course I asked myself what this new guy was fulfilling that I couldn't.

 

One thing I want to point out is that his desire about said asset is not something that reflects on all men. Every guys is different. Some of us enjoy big, small, shaped this way or that, short, tall, etc etc. So whatever this asset is that you're worried about I guarantee another man finds attractive. An example is about half my guy friend's enjoy small breasts, and the other prefer large.

 

That being said, he did not appreciate what he had and does not seem like a mature person. Talking to girls online while in a relationship is gross and creepy.

 

How do you stop? I ask myself that too. The past has shown me the answer is Time. Eventually you won't care what he thinks anymore. His criticism will be in the back of your mind while someone whose eyes light up when they see you will be at the front. You are putting him and other people on a pedestal. You don't know these people. Among them are monsters, cheaters, insecure women in surplus, and the rest are imperfect humans with their own set of baggage. You seem more level-headed than you might now realize. Think of yourself as a trophy he lost, and that's exactly what you'll become.

 

Best of luck.

[PinkPampies]

Do things that make you feel better so you feel beautiful. Go get a new hair style, color. Get a few new outfits. New makeup. Once you draw your first interest from someone else how awesome you are, you'll stop feeling inferior and start feeling confident again! ❤️

[Fruitee]

Dont do break up cut though. Usually leads to regret.

 

Just **** that guy and his preferences. Its his loss. If he wasnt attracted to you then why be with you.

 

Someone out there thinks youre heaven. Find that dude.

 

Mean while live your life to the fullest.

[smackie9]

Sorry this happened to you. I feel once you make him a distant memory all will be well again. Do something nice for yourself and buy a new pair of shoes or get a pedicure....it will give you a little lift for now.

[eightytwenty]

There is always going to be better looking, smarter, or whatever than yourself, to you, and even to others.

 

 

 

 

You are you. There is only one of you. You'll find that match that loves everything about you, and you'll be perfect and the best looking girl for them. Don't think you need to be different to be loved, you don't, just need to find the right guy.

 

 

Don't worry about what one opinion from one person. There is plenty more opinions that are positive that you don't even hear.

[HorseLuck]

Oof, I know the feeling. I was recently cheated on and thought our relationship was roses and violets. Of course I asked myself what this new guy was fulfilling that I couldn't.

 

One thing I want to point out is that his desire about said asset is not something that reflects on all men. Every guys is different. Some of us enjoy big, small, shaped this way or that, short, tall, etc etc. So whatever this asset is that you're worried about I guarantee another man finds attractive. An example is about half my guy friend's enjoy small breasts, and the other prefer large.

 

That being said, he did not appreciate what he had and does not seem like a mature person. Talking to girls online while in a relationship is gross and creepy.

 

How do you stop? I ask myself that too. The past has shown me the answer is Time. Eventually you won't care what he thinks anymore. His criticism will be in the back of your mind while someone whose eyes light up when they see you will be at the front. You are putting him and other people on a pedestal. You don't know these people. Among them are monsters, cheaters, insecure women in surplus, and the rest are imperfect humans with their own set of baggage. You seem more level-headed than you might now realize. Think of yourself as a trophy he lost, and that's exactly what you'll become.

 

Best of luck.

 

Thank you for this. It did make me feel better if only temporarily. I've read your story and I've kind of been following it. You seem like a good guy and I'm sorry you had that experience. Like you it was also my first encounter with a cheater. I'm level headed only because I had a few days to go ape sh*t on him, and then sort my emotions. While I agree with you that someone else will appreciate that "physical trait" as it is, I still find myself thinking about it when I work out and whether I'm trying to improve it because of him or for myself. For example, I'd been wanting to try crossfit prior to meeting him. But now it reminds me of him. I guess I should use that to light a fire under my a**.

 

As for the posters who recommended little things like pedis and manis or changing my hair, makeup, that is generally my go to. But it seems like a quick fix, so I'm trying to prevent myself from wasting money if I'm just going to feel bad shortly after. As for meeting other men and getting that attention.. if a man so much as glances my way right now- I am filled with the urge to gouge his eyes out. I definitely don't feel like I'm capable of giving another man the time of day atm. Lol. Going to a bar this weekend with some friends for a Christmas event, but not really looking forward to it.

Edited December 8, 2016 by HorseLuck

[Space Ritual]

I can't be sure that he slept with another female during this time, nor do I care to dig deeper. That's all I needed to see.

 

I think right there is best argument you could possibly have with yourself about your self esteem.

 

I think you should be proud of yourself. You do realize that many young women would be more likely to torture themselves by dragging out wondering and allowing themselves to be gaslighted by a guy because they already think their self worth can be defined by moments like this.

 

You do realize by acting with resolve you showed more intestinal fortitude than most guys would if the situation were reversed.

 

You should not doubt your self esteem at all. You acted, and decisively I might add.

 

Sure you may grieve the loss of what you thought was a decent relationship. But you believed this guy when he showed you who he really was. You were done with him. Good Job.

 

Pat yourself on the back:)

[Methodical]

He had a racial preference (which I was not and he said it didn't matter, but the girls he was speaking to were his preference), as well as liking a certain physical trait that I also didn't have. It didn't help that he would mention it from time to time with his preconceived notions/stereotypes.

 

While I agree with you that someone else will appreciate that "physical trait" as it is, I still find myself thinking about it when I work out and whether I'm trying to improve it because of him or for myself.

 

As for meeting other men and getting that attention.. if a man so much as glances my way right now- I am filled with the urge to gouge his eyes out. I definitely don't feel like I'm capable of giving another man the time of day atm.

 

Not to over-simply or marginalize your pain, but pay attention to the attribute you have described. He claimed it didn't matter; clearly, it did. Just curious, did you ever tell him that his comments about certain physical traits bothered you? If so, and he did it anyway goes to show his immaturity and lack of respect. He is an a-hole for leading you on and toying with your emotions.

 

Conversely, you are intelligent and thoughtful enough to recognize you aren't ready to date. See the differences so far, he lied, you are honest with yourself and others. He was disrespectful, you are slamming on the brakes rather than put someone thru the crap you've dealt with. You can't force others to be true to themselves, but you can stay true to yourself. That is where you'll find your peace.

[HorseLuck]

Thank you very much for that insightful post Space Ritual. I didn't take the time to acknowledge that. You're right. I know he will come back with apologies, but I've made sure to block him everywhere. I'm pro status when it comes to sticking to no contact. Lol.

 

Not to over-simply or marginalize your pain, but pay attention to the attribute you have described. He claimed it didn't matter; clearly, it did. Just curious, did you ever tell him that his comments about certain physical traits bothered you? If so, and he did it anyway goes to show his immaturity and lack of respect. He is an a-hole for leading you on and toying with your emotions.

 

Conversely, you are intelligent and thoughtful enough to recognize you aren't ready to date. See the differences so far, he lied, you are honest with yourself and others. He was disrespectful, you are slamming on the brakes rather than put someone thru the crap you've dealt with. You can't force others to be true to themselves, but you can stay true to yourself. That is where you'll find your peace.

 

Did it matter Methodical?... I guess so. We had the discussion numerous times about his race preference, including how that certain trait made me feel insecure. He reassured me he liked what I had. But, there were times he would just idioticly (unintentionally..or maybe not..who knows now) mention the trait in a way that was tactless. For example, he sent me a meme one day of a girl who had it and I was so insulted. It said something along the lines of "what men want to wake up to in the morning". I asked him why he would send me a photo of a female who had X, when I was clearly feeling inadequate with it on my own body. Before he stepped into the picture I never cared. Suddenly it felt like it mattered.

 

There was a point that he said he only dated girls in the past with that physical trait being one requirement (sounds shallow i know. He did admit to being an a**hole) but supposedly he "changed". Regarding race, he'd dated "other races" but he seemed to have some biased views in general that i wasn't comfortable with. He also had an inferiority complex with his own race (mixed and idolized one side more than the other) so I shouldn't be surprised. He understood that if I was made to feel like a second option because of my ethnicity, I wasn't going to tolerate it. But yes, he was pretty inconsiderate regarding that. Ironically, he never discovered what my ethnicity was and never pushed to find out. All he knew was I was not his preferred choice, because I made sure to point that out. I was pretty blunt in letting him know that if that was his desire, he can leave. I didn't tell him my ethnicity because the topic after awhile triggered me. i didn't want to be judged or hear some stupid statement come out of his mouth over something I really have no control over..aka my gene pool. I tried to be understanding because I know preferences vary person to person. Personally I never had a racial preference, but I can understand why he did.

 

P.S. and unrelated- Ended up changing my hair color. I know he fancied it on his women (had the shade before he came along).

Edited December 9, 2016 by HorseLuck

[frus69]

well you know what he liked is different to what your next guy will like, so why get insecure for him? Why care only about what he liked? It's not like every guy has the same taste as your ex.

 

 

Find someone who thinks you are the prettiest , then you wont have any probems like these