How attractive was the OM/OW?

[40somethingGuy]

I suspect for many it's a combination of availability and variety. And despite how good/bad someone may look in comparison to their spouse, they may treat the WS better and provide positive feedback and validation - at least for a time.

 

I was shocked that the OM was sooo unattractive. He smokes, chews, is obese, and really looks like a hairy sloth. When I first met him at our kids boy scout meeting (when my wife ran into him by chance and was floored to see him, an ex lover from years back before me but introduced as a friend of a friend) I was right away thinking- nice guy but gross. Why wear a tank top with your hairy back exposed? Now, I am not a 10 but I am in shape, put together, well groomed and my back is as smooth as a baby's butt! It was very insulting to me. Not that anything else would have been OK but if the OM was a Dwayne Johnson clone or something at least it would be a little less insulting if you know what I mean. The OM in my case was just gross. But I guess hiding behind a phone he is one hell of a dirty talker with a very dirty mind and it got her.

[Midlifecrisis1]

I was shocked that the OM was sooo unattractive. He smokes, chews, is obese, and really looks like a hairy sloth. When I first met him at our kids boy scout meeting (when my wife ran into him by chance and was floored to see him, an ex lover from years back before me but introduced as a friend of a friend) I was right away thinking- nice guy but gross. Why wear a tank top with your hairy back exposed? Now, I am not a 10 but I am in shape, put together, well groomed and my back is as smooth as a baby's butt! It was very insulting to me. Not that anything else would have been OK but if the OM was a Dwayne Johnson clone or something at least it would be a little less insulting if you know what I mean. The OM in my case was just gross. But I guess hiding behind a phone he is one hell of a dirty talker with a very dirty mind and it got her.

 

I imagine that this is why my husband didn't suspect my affair. The OM is overweight, bald on top but with the halo around, not objectively attractive, and married to a woman who is older and less attractive. However, OM and I carried on this affair pretty much right under my husbands nose. We were hardly discreet. Yet my husband just assumed we were good friends. Probably couldn't fathom I'd be with OM over him since my husband is a good looking, fit, successful man with a full head of hair.

[Midwestmissy]

She was definitely available, she was a subordinate. We are the same age, give or take a year, same height. We had different hair until they started up then (and now) her hair is just like mine. She's less educated, and since I edited her work, not super literate or bright. She looks mousy and plain, tired and not very groomed. Not hideous, but does not work with what she has. Her clothes aren't pressed or professional or clean looking. A tired looking package, like old sheets. Not polished, and has had the same roles corporately for years, more polished men & women have passed her up the ladder. Bad taste.

 

She was vulgar, crass and willing, and persistent. She's married, 4 kids. Her bh is a teacher so home more. He's got the look of a wiry runner, lean. Looks like a teacher, he looks tired too, but not unattractive. He was her brother in law before they cheated with each other. His brother was the bh. She wrote this so out in an email.

 

My wh is vain, college athlete, successful, cute, smart, funny. Always put together. Is arrogant about schools etc. we worked our way up from nothing. He was embarrassed by how crass she was so only took her to hotels, no meals, gifts. She blew sunshine basically and flattered him non stop. She intimated to him that she was looking for an exit and money. He calls her a climber. He's very embarrassed, was publicly humiliated bc of her reputation. I work as a writer in films and high end fashion as a contractor, im very highly educated, am home with my kids, cook, have never had help. I'm an artist (painter) creative type and try to present myself well, and stay on top of trends, my teens raid my closet. I make an effort. I consider myself very lucky to have the life I have and I've never taken it for granted. We were a great team and I was very fulfilled.

 

Wh is in intense therapy trying to get his act together. His insecurities, well hidden from me for over 30 yrs, exploded in this affair. The ow is on to her next thing, was fired and took a much lower position. Shame for her kids, as she was the bread winner. She wrote to him that kids only need a mom until age 12 since that's when her parenting stopped and she turned out amazing. So she's looking for an apartment with single friends. ? She's 50. As I get further out, it's really all sad. She continued contact, offering oral services, for several months after. During the a, they were both ugly, inside and out.

[DKT3]

I imagine that this is why my husband didn't suspect my affair. The OM is overweight, bald on top but with the halo around, not objectively attractive, and married to a woman who is older and less attractive. However, OM and I carried on this affair pretty much right under my husbands nose. We were hardly discreet. Yet my husband just assumed we were good friends. Probably couldn't fathom I'd be with OM over him since my husband is a good looking, fit, successful man with a full head of hair.

 

I'm shocked at how you seem to take pride in betraying your husband and doing so in his face. Almost like a big FU hubby

[Midwestmissy]

When I told my wh I was suspicious of his relationship with the ow, his response was "God, look at her! I work with Ivy League educated lawyers who are smart and attractive, every day. If I'm going to cheat, I'll look there, not at someone like her, she's embarrassing and can't dress. I had to tell her to not wear cargo pants to law firms." Said in the most intense part of the affair. It's quite mind boggling. To him now too. he said it was like she was a mirror to him, he never saw her, he saw what she believed him to be, what he wanted to be viewed as. My only answer to that is, conduct yourself in the way you want to be viewed. Even when you think no ones looking. It's the most effective way and doesn't require lying to anyone. And specific to my wh, please consider the source of the intense flattery if it's coming at you suddenly 3 months after you've met, in the form of someone about whom there are a lot of whispers.

[Midlifecrisis1]

I'm shocked at how you seem to take pride in betraying your husband and doing so in his face. Almost like a big FU hubby

 

I do sound that way. I guess part of me feels like I am invisible to my husband or he just doesn't care enough to notice. I almost feel justified. I know it's awful. But how could he not notice or care?

[understand50]

I do sound that way. I guess part of me feels like I am invisible to my husband or he just doesn't care enough to notice. I almost feel justified. I know it's awful. But how could he not notice or care?

 

Well Midlifecrisis1,

 

I am sure if you told your husband about your affair, you would get a reaction. I think in the long run this would be better for you.

 

Getting back to topic, my G/F, now wife, was bet she could not bed the "cute" guy. She won her bet, but in the end felt used. The guy was older and better looking, and I guess that was the point, from her point of view. Never much gave it thought. Did not matter, who or how good looking, she cheated.

[wmacbride]

I do sound that way. I guess part of me feels like I am invisible to my husband or he just doesn't care enough to notice. I almost feel justified. I know it's awful. But how could he not notice or care?

 

It's possible that he trusted you so much it never occurred to him that you could cheat.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I think most BS's like to think the om/ow was not that attractive. In reality, there was some type of attraction. I must be in the minority as I was told that the om was the best looking man she had ever met.

 

and this was one of those details that i volunteered during my confession...fresh out of the affair. This is one of those things I said that will forever haunt him...that forever hurts him....that he will never forget. That I wish I could take back. This is exactly why I warn Waywards..to answer every question from the betrayed honestly but don't give details unless they are specifically asked for.

 

 

 

My husband told me his OW was very pretty....I asked details and he gave them...however he made sure that i knew he thought i was prettier and i was who he wanted. He had learned from me exactly what NOT to say.

[Sub]

I think it's different for WW and WH's. Women don't focus on looks as much. It's more about confidence, personality, etc. Those things make a man more "attractive". The OM in my situation was heavier, thinning hair, he smoked, lived a relative hermit's existence by himself in a little apartment. But he was confident to the point of being arrogant, so his appearance became a moot point.

[road]

 

My husband told me his OW was very pretty....I asked details and he gave them...however he made sure that i knew he thought i was prettier and i was who he wanted. He had learned from me exactly what NOT to say.

 

 

 

So are you saying your BH/WH lied about his OW looks?

[Birdies]

I do sound that way. I guess part of me feels like I am invisible to my husband or he just doesn't care enough to notice. I almost feel justified. I know it's awful. But how could he not notice or care?

 

I can understand this. My husband seemed to take so little interest in me and my life that it seemed like part of the reason I did it is because I COULD, because he didn't pay much attention to me. Not ethical or justifiable in any way, of course, but resentment and feeling taken for granted can create irrationality.

 

On topic - my OM is fit and we bonded over doing outdoor activities together, whereas my ex-husband used to be fit and active but years of drinking, eating poorly, and lack of activity definitely caught up to him. For my MM, well, I'm 15 years younger and more conventionally attractive than his ex. Frankly I think we both upgraded physically.

 

Obviously that's such a small part of what determines a person's worth, and our actions have shown we both leave a lot to be desired in some of the areas that really matter.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I think it's different for WW and WH's. Women don't focus on looks as much. It's more about confidence, personality, etc. Those things make a man more "attractive". The OM in my situation was heavier, thinning hair, he smoked, lived a relative hermit's existence by himself in a little apartment. But he was confident to the point of being arrogant, so his appearance became a moot point.

 

I don't think it has anything to do with male of female. It has to do with individuals. If you are a person that looks are important...whether male or female...then looks are important.

 

If you are a person that looks are not important ...then looks are not important.

 

There are many reasons why we might find someone attractive...and i don't think we can put everyone in the same category.

 

We can think a person is very attractive and then after we get to know them...think they are ugly....or the exact opposite...we might find a person very plain...but as we get to know them they become more attractive.

[Mrs. John Adams]

So are you saying your BH/WH lied about his OW looks?

 

nope...I am saying he knew when to shut up

[road]

It's simple, Availability trumps Appearance any day.

 

No not any day. There are men that will jump on anything and those men that are choosey. Depends on the man.

Edited December 9, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T

[Betrayed&Stayed]

It's simple, Availability trumps Appearance any day.

 

My wife's OM had both availability and good looks plus plenty of opportunity

[Sub]

I don't think it has anything to do with male of female. It has to do with individuals. If you are a person that looks are important...whether male or female...then looks are important.

 

If you are a person that looks are not important ...then looks are not important.

 

There are many reasons why we might find someone attractive...and i don't think we can put everyone in the same category.

 

We can think a person is very attractive and then after we get to know them...think they are ugly....or the exact opposite...we might find a person very plain...but as we get to know them they become more attractive.

 

I tend to agree Mrs. JA. But I think in general women are less superficial. It's part of an overall double-standard.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I tend to agree Mrs. JA. But I think in general women are less superficial. It's part of an overall double-standard.

 

I am a person that looks are important...my husband is very attractive and very well built.

 

On the other hand...looks are not important to him...and he married a very very chubby 17 year old girl.

 

I would then be the one who is superficial.....

 

I am not sure where this double standard applies.

[sadwife48]

My husband ''s other woman is 10 years younger than me and totally opposite from me. She is large and overweight, I am petite. Her hair is stringy, face drawn, no makeup. She is uneducated and works a menial job. She is potty mouthed. He loves us both. How do you compete with that? It is killing me.

[DKT3]

I am a person that looks are important...my husband is very attractive and very well built.

 

On the other hand...looks are not important to him...and he married a very very chubby 17 year old girl.

 

I would then be the one who is superficial.....

 

I am not sure where this double standard applies.

 

Come on Mrs JA, how often have you seen a really attractive man with an unattractive woman?

 

How you see yourself isn't how the world sees you, you saw a chubby thing when you looked in the mirror, ja saw a knockout.

 

My wife's AP was an attractive guy I suppose, I'm not into mens looks so I'm guessing. But appearance wise we are very opposite physically and mentally. She was attracted to his softer more feminine nature, smaller stature and the fact the he was a total pushover who catered to her every whim. At the same time didn't take him seriously and knew it wasn't something she was truly interested in.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Come on Mrs JA, how often have you seen a really attractive man with an unattractive woman?

 

How you see yourself isn't how the world sees you, you saw a chubby thing when you looked in the mirror, ja saw a knockout.

 

My wife's AP was an attractive guy I suppose, I'm not into mens looks so I'm guessing. But appearance wise we are very opposite physically and mentally. She was attracted to his softer more feminine nature, smaller stature and the fact the he was a total pushover who catered to her every whim. At the same time didn't take him seriously and knew it wasn't something she was truly interested in.

 

i do see couples that i scratch my head sometimes because they don't seem to go together...and I will admit to you...more often than not...i think Trophy wife or he must have a lot of money.

 

Shame on me

 

John Adams has always loved me. He has always thought i was a bit weird...but he also thought i was interesting because of it. I am not sure my looks were that important to him.

 

I know that when he set out to find an OW...he looked for the prettiest woman in class. Why? Because i had emasculated him. I had hurt him. I had taken away his self esteem....and I had said the om was handsome.

 

The things we do to each other.....they seem so obvious now don't they...but why didn't we see these things before we hurt each other?

[JohnAdams]

As Mrs. JA said, personality and a person's character is much more important to me than looks. Prior to Mrs. JA, I dated some girls that would be considered a prize and others that were considered probably just ok in looks. I always had confidence in who I was and as far as my own looks, I am who I am and I was always ok with that.

 

 

After Mrs. JA's affair, it was apparent that looks were very important to her. I never asked, but she volunteered that he was better looking than me. It not only hurt my self esteem, but, I am who I am, I cannot change my overall looks. Although, I did feel I had to change hair style, contacts, clothes. It was very traumatic. It took me years to get over these feelings. Thankfully, I am back to just plain me....I am who I am and am happy with it.

 

 

I admit, due to the looks issue, I pursued the prettiest girl in my college class for a RA. I guess to prove I could get not just a girl, but a pretty girl. In hindsight, how shallow. How infidelity weaves such a web. I am so glad we are past all of this.

[seren]

For me, it wasn't how the OW looked, it was how the affair looked. I always imagined affairs as moments in hotels, gifts, flowers, romantic stolen lunches and moments. My relationship with H has always been based upon how we are with each other, not how each of us looks. I have had relationships with men who were not so good looking and men who could knock your boots off. H is a very good looking man and, I would say and has been said to me, I am a very good looking woman. The OW, looks very different to me, she is short, with short dark hair, a little overweight, dresses very differently, is more make up and low tops whereas I am more a jeans, boots casual person. I wear make up, but she wears glitter, I'll say no more on that. As people, we are light years different.

 

Not to be catty, just telling the truth. I was professionally very successful, she not so much, I am a very caring person, she not so much, I am quietly spoken, she definitely not so much, I have a few friends I would go to wine bars, jazz clubs with, she had lots of friends and went to the rugby club. I love my labradors, she loves her cavalier king charles spaniels, and that says more about the difference than anything. One is a country, walks getting muddy type (me) the other more of a cushion sitter.

 

H's affair was when he felt he had nothing to offer me, his choice of OW indicated where his head was at, at that time. He needed to feel he wasn't worthy of our marriage, happiness etc and so he chose the polar opposite of what we had. It was tawdry, no love from him (I know that from her), very destructive and rather sad.

 

It doesn't make it any easier knowing someone isn't as attractive as you think you are, in fact it can make it harder. I wanted to think H had met the love of his life, a woman he just couldn't do without and was 'better' than me. It was the complete opposite, for H, the fact she could have an affair made her less than me, as hypocritical as that sounds, he valued me, he just didn't value himself very much at that time.

[sweet_pea]

She wasn't that cute, in my opinion (and a few others who know her/have seen her agree), but regardless of their attractiveness, I think they're pretty ugly people on the inside while conducting an affair (and yes, that goes for WS too).

[Arieswoman]

sadwife48,

 

My husband ''s other woman is 10 years younger than me and totally opposite from me. She is large and overweight, I am petite. Her hair is stringy, face drawn, no makeup. She is uneducated and works a menial job. She is potty mouthed. He loves us both. How do you compete with that? It is killing me.

 

 

You don't compete - you are better than that.

 

Divorce him so he can have her.

 

That's what I did in a similar situation.

 

I'm sorry - I know how much it hurts. x