Christian woman in love with church worker

[Samanthajay84]

Hi I'm new to the forum. I feel like I have nowhere to turn because this is a very private matter. I'm 32, married, have 2 kids, and have attended the same church since I was 15. I am a Christian woman and do not, I repeat, DO NOT condone cheating or adultery. That being said...I can't stop thinking about the church deacon. He's 34, also married, has 3 kids and has also attended the same church as me since he was a teenager. I always had a crush on him to be honest. But when he got married I kind of pushed those feelings aside. It hurt..a lot. But I knew it meant he was off limits. Anyway, fast forward 10 years. I'm married, he's married, we are both happy, living our lives, raising our kids. But for the passsd few weeks I can't seem to get him out of my head. I've even had dreams about him. Fantasizing about him all day. I am finding ways to get closer to his wife just to be closer to him. All the old feelings came back and 10 times stronger! I don't know how to stop these feelings. And the worse part is, I don't want to. I know this sounds bad. Any advice? My husband is the kindest man I have ever met. I know that makes me sound like such a villain.

[eye of the storm]

Fantasies are fun. And can be harmless unless we act on them.

 

You are starting to act on yours. You admit you are trying to get closer to his W so you can be closer to him.

 

You must stop. I would recommend you talk to your H. Or go talk to a therapist or a pastor at another church.

 

Having an A is a choice. And in the beginning many of the choices don't seem like that big of a deal. But each one leads you closer. And you have already started.

 

If you talk to your H, he can help support you. Or maybe you two need a tune up on your M. To bring you closer. My church does trips or classes just for married couples.

[Arieswoman]

Samathajay84,

 

You do not say what denomiantion your church is - can you give some more information?

 

In the meantime let me say that my interpretation of Scripture ( as a Traditional Anglican/Episcopalian) is that no-one is immune to temptation.

 

The first thing to note is that temptation is not sin nor is temptation a sign of weakness. Temptation becomes sin, however, if we do not deal with it properly. It is how we deal with temptation that will determine whether we fall into sin or not.

 

Can you talk to your Priest/Pastor about this in confidence?

 

HTH

[BTDT2012]

Stop trying to get close to his wife. And you need to talk to someone pastor, therapist to get to the source of your emptiness.

[aileD]

Tell your husband how you feel. Get the secret out so it's not a secret anymore. The real world has a way of Snapping you out of things.

 

Change churches if you have to. This is your marriage and your morality at stake.

 

Try to think of what this guy gives you that you're missing in your marriage and go after it---IN YOUR MARRIAGE.

 

And pray. Read the stories here about how he'll does happen on earth and it's called an affair. Don't destroy your life

[Samanthajay84]

Samathajay84,

 

You do not say what denomiantion your church is - can you give some more information?

 

In the meantime let me say that my interpretation of Scripture ( as a Traditional Anglican/Episcopalian) is that no-one is immune to temptation.

 

The first thing to note is that temptation is not sin nor is temptation a sign of weakness. Temptation becomes sin, however, if we do not deal with it properly. It is how we deal with temptation that will determine whether we fall into sin or not.

 

Can you talk to your Priest/Pastor about this in confidence?

 

 

 

HTH

 

 

 

 

I am a Pentecostal Christian. And no I wouldn't feel comfortable talking to my pastor about this. I wouldn't even feel comfortable talking to my best friend about it. I'm very ashamed and the guilt is horrible

[Samanthajay84]

Fantasies are fun. And can be harmless unless we act on them.

 

You are starting to act on yours. You admit you are trying to get closer to his W so you can be closer to him.

 

You must stop. I would recommend you talk to your H. Or go talk to a therapist or a pastor at another church.

 

Having an A is a choice. And in the beginning many of the choices don't seem like that big of a deal. But each one leads you closer. And you have already started.

 

If you talk to your H, he can help support you. Or maybe you two need a tune up on your M. To bring you closer. My church does trips or classes just for married couples.

 

You suggest talking to my husband about me having feelings for another man? Oh that sounds like a recipe for disaster.

[Samanthajay84]

Stop trying to get close to his wife. And you need to talk to someone pastor, therapist to get to the source of your emptiness.

 

You're so right. The thing is, I think I already know where the emptiness is coming from. I love my husband but I feel like we aren't where we are supposed to be and like he's not trying that hard. With everything. Work, money, raising our kids, even our spiritual walk. I don't feel fulfilled at all. But even if I were to leave my husband I would still have no chance of being with this other man

[aileD]

You suggest talking to my husband about me having feelings for another man? Oh that sounds like a recipe for disaster.

 

Nope. It brings it out of fantasyland and into reality and your REAL relationship

[FoundMyStrength]

Hi I'm new to the forum. I feel like I have nowhere to turn because this is a very private matter. I'm 32, married, have 2 kids, and have attended the same church since I was 15. I am a Christian woman and do not, I repeat, DO NOT condone cheating or adultery. That being said...I can't stop thinking about the church deacon. He's 34, also married, has 3 kids and has also attended the same church as me since he was a teenager. I always had a crush on him to be honest. But when he got married I kind of pushed those feelings aside. It hurt..a lot. But I knew it meant he was off limits. Anyway, fast forward 10 years. I'm married, he's married, we are both happy, living our lives, raising our kids. But for the passsd few weeks I can't seem to get him out of my head. I've even had dreams about him. Fantasizing about him all day. I am finding ways to get closer to his wife just to be closer to him. All the old feelings came back and 10 times stronger! I don't know how to stop these feelings. And the worse part is, I don't want to. I know this sounds bad. Any advice? My husband is the kindest man I have ever met. I know that makes me sound like such a villain.

 

Samanthajay, one way to view this is that you're in such a good position right now. You haven't taken any actions, you haven't gotten involved in the affair. There is still time to stop it, and it sounds like this is what you want.

 

If I could turn back time before I launched into the affair, what I would do is set up really clear, defined boundaries for myself. My affair began as a gradual erosion of normal work boundaries. I found that every time I crossed one line, the next line was only an inch away, and I crossed that one too.

 

Figure out what you feel are "safe", appropriate interactions with your pastor, then safeguard those boundaries with your life. I worked with my xMM, and for me, this would have been: not being alone in his office, unless absolutely necessary for work; not discussing personal, non-work issues; not finding reasons to pull him aside or talk with them in group settings; not trying to get close to other people (i.e., your pastor's wife) in order to get closer to him. And eventually not doing any of the other stuff we ended up doing: long lunches, long walks, goodnight phone calls, texting non-stop, sex.

 

I truly believe if I had set up firm boundaries at the start, I never would have gotten to those last transgressions.

[eye of the storm]

Samantha. Yes I think you should talk to your H. He needs to know.

 

Not necessarily that you have the hots for another man. But that you are feeling weak in your marriage.

 

You are feeling "unfulfilled" and are looking outside your marriage.

 

Maybe you two could do a marriage retreat or take a "fireproof" class. Marriage counseling.

 

Right now, you haven't done anything wrong. But if you don't start working on your M and part of that work is getting your H on board (It takes two and all that.) you will be back here talking about having an A and how your family is destroyed.

 

Please. Right now, today, you have so many chances on making your M so much better. You see the cracks in the foundation. You can either fix them or watch your house crumble.

 

It is your choice.

[BTDT2012]

I am a Pentecostal Christian. And no I wouldn't feel comfortable talking to my pastor about this. I wouldn't even feel comfortable talking to my best friend about it. I'm very ashamed and the guilt is horrible

 

Talk to Jesus. Read your bible. Make the devil a liar.

[Samanthajay84]

Talk to Jesus. Read your bible. Make the devil a liar.

 

Best advice I've gotten all day. I guess it's easy to get caught up with life and feelings but sometimes you need to remember God the almighty is in control. I'm not super happy in my marriage but I'm against divorce. This church man is the opposite of what my husband is and I want that.

[Samanthajay84]

Samanthajay, one way to view this is that you're in such a good position right now. You haven't taken any actions, you haven't gotten involved in the affair. There is still time to stop it, and it sounds like this is what you want.

 

If I could turn back time before I launched into the affair, what I would do is set up really clear, defined boundaries for myself. My affair began as a gradual erosion of normal work boundaries. I found that every time I crossed one line, the next line was only an inch away, and I crossed that one too.

 

Figure out what you feel are "safe", appropriate interactions with your pastor, then safeguard those boundaries with your life. I worked with my xMM, and for me, this would have been: not being alone in his office, unless absolutely necessary for work; not discussing personal, non-work issues; not finding reasons to pull him aside or talk with them in group settings; not trying to get close to other people (i.e., your pastor's wife) in order to get closer to him. And eventually not doing any of the other stuff we ended up doing: long lunches, long walks, goodnight phone calls, texting non-stop, sex.

 

I truly believe if I had set up firm boundaries at the start, I never would have gotten to those last transgressions.

 

 

 

Oh he isn't the pastor. He's the deacon.

[eye of the storm]

Best advice I've gotten all day. I guess it's easy to get caught up with life and feelings but sometimes you need to remember God the almighty is in control. I'm not super happy in my marriage but I'm against divorce. This church man is the opposite of what my husband is and I want that.

 

This is how As start. I'm not happy but I'm not going to fix my M and I want something other than my H.

 

Look, you are not doing anyone, including your H, any favors by acting like a martyr. Reading the Word is all well and good but it won't fix your M.

 

If you are unhappy in your M, fix it or end it. Your H deserves a W who loves him and wants to be with him.

 

Every church I have ever seen has marriage classes and counseling. Why won't you work on yours?

[DKT3]

The void isn't from your husband, but from within. Biggest mistake people make is searching for external validation of internal issues. Secondly, there is a very good chance your attempt is to rationalize your crush by picking apart your marriage, be very careful here, I've seen women divorced before they realize this small detail.

[dreamingoftigers]

Best advice I've gotten all day. I guess it's easy to get caught up with life and feelings but sometimes you need to remember God the almighty is in control. I'm not super happy in my marriage but I'm against divorce. This church man is the opposite of what my husband is and I want that.

 

The irony being that if you hook up with a "good, spiritual, married man," he ends up not being that at that exact moment

[BuddyX]

Another LS poster hit the nail on the head.

 

"I have a theory that the range of emotions are what really keep women hooked in affairs. Husbands are available, thus boring. The other Man is unpredictable hot and cold thus exciting."

[DKT3]

Another LS poster hit the nail on the head.

 

"I have a theory that the range of emotions are what really keep women hooked in affairs. Husbands are available, thus boring. The other Man is unpredictable hot and cold thus exciting."

 

Is that one of mine??? If not I need to copyright material here lol

[Samanthajay84]

This is how As start. I'm not happy but I'm not going to fix my M and I want something other than my H.

 

Look, you are not doing anyone, including your H, any favors by acting like a martyr. Reading the Word is all well and good but it won't fix your M.

 

If you are unhappy in your M, fix it or end it. Your H deserves a W who loves him and wants to be with him.

 

Every church I have ever seen has marriage classes and counseling. Why won't you work on yours?

 

 

 

I'm afraid that opening my mouth might make things worse. Truth is I don't know how to talk to my husband anymore. I feel like we are strangers at times. Then other times, we are happy. I don't know. Maybe it is me. Our church does have counseling but I'm not sure if I'm ready to state how unhappy I am at times.

[eye of the storm]

I'm afraid that opening my mouth might make things worse. Truth is I don't know how to talk to my husband anymore. I feel like we are strangers at times. Then other times, we are happy. I don't know. Maybe it is me. Our church does have counseling but I'm not sure if I'm ready to state how unhappy I am at times.

 

Samantha, what you are going thru is normal. But reading your Bible will not fix this. Only by talking to your H will you start to fix this. If you are afraid that talking will make it worse, then it is already really bad.

 

You have only 2 choices. You think there is 3 but there isn't.

1. work on your M. Take classes, do a retreat, go to MC, and for God's sake talk to him.

2. tell him you are unhappy and want a divorce.

3. this one isn't a choice, its a delay. You wait. You keep doing what you are doing and eventually the unhappiness, the emptiness starts working on you and you go outside your M and then he finds out, he kicks you out, you become an outcast and still end up divorced.

 

Working on your marriage does not mean its a bad marriage, it means the marriage is valuable to you and you want to keep it in good shape. Some friends of mine take a 1 week retreat every year, they have an amazing marriage. But they both are honest that they work on it, they tend it, they protect it.

 

Look at your M like a garden. You fenced it off, you turned the soil, you made nice straight rows, you planted the seeds you wanted, you watered it...then you ignored it. For awhile it was fine. The plants came up, they produced, but soon weeds started to choke them out. Winds rocked the fence and weakened it. In a couple of years you go out and look at the garden and all you see is a mess. Fence is down, nothing but tangled weeds.

 

You are a grown woman. Be honest. If you want a good marriage, put in the work. If you want to be free, you have that right too. Just be honest.

 

And you need to learn how to communicate.

[Samanthajay84]

Samantha, what you are going thru is normal. But reading your Bible will not fix this. Only by talking to your H will you start to fix this. If you are afraid that talking will make it worse, then it is already really bad.

 

You have only 2 choices. You think there is 3 but there isn't.

1. work on your M. Take classes, do a retreat, go to MC, and for God's sake talk to him.

2. tell him you are unhappy and want a divorce.

3. this one isn't a choice, its a delay. You wait. You keep doing what you are doing and eventually the unhappiness, the emptiness starts working on you and you go outside your M and then he finds out, he kicks you out, you become an outcast and still end up divorced.

 

Working on your marriage does not mean its a bad marriage, it means the marriage is valuable to you and you want to keep it in good shape. Some friends of mine take a 1 week retreat every year, they have an amazing marriage. But they both are honest that they work on it, they tend it, they protect it.

 

Look at your M like a garden. You fenced it off, you turned the soil, you made nice straight rows, you planted the seeds you wanted, you watered it...then you ignored it. For awhile it was fine. The plants came up, they produced, but soon weeds started to choke them out. Winds rocked the fence and weakened it. In a couple of years you go out and look at the garden and all you see is a mess. Fence is down, nothing but tangled weeds.

 

You are a grown woman. Be honest. If you want a good marriage, put in the work. If you want to be free, you have that right too. Just be honest.

 

And you need to learn how to communicate.

 

 

I don't want a divorce and I'd never cheat. Not to mention the man I'm falling for is a church worker, he'd never cheat either. I'm trying to be a good wife, I am, but I feel so inadequate. I don't even feel attracted to my husband anymore. We haven't kissed, like really kissed as in, hot make out session in months...many months.

[Logan787]

This church man is the opposite of what my husband is and I want that.

 

This church man is the opposite of what my husband is and I want that.

 

Hi Samantha,

I've been a Christian for over twenty years and I can tell you from experience, just because you're a Christian, doesn't make you immune to temptation. I actually think that the temptation for a Christian is even MORE intense, seeing we have an enemy trying to bring us down. I have dealt with the same issues that you are dealing with, even though I'm not married. Temptation for a single Christian is rough, trust me.

 

I believe that in this day and age Satan is trying so hard to destroy the family because it is the moral fabric that binds together a strong nation. That's why our nation is falling apart,because the family is unraveling. He wants you to be another causality. After reading about your dilemma, I can relate to your feelings of euphoria and secretiveness. I have been there before and still deal with these things. You say you fantasize and that you can't stop thinking about this other guy. I believe that is because your marriage is passionless. It needs a spark.

 

I know you probably already know this, but if you can't find it in your husband right now, look for it in a hobby or maybe some kind of ministry work. Just SOMETHING to give you a feeling of self worth and accomplishment to get the adrenaline juices flowing again. Something to make you feel alive. Deep down inside, I think that's what you're looking for. Satan, is deceiving you into thinking, that this man will be a be all to end all and your life will be perfect with him. You know good and well that you can't be with him and lives not be changed....for the worse.

 

I've come to learn that people fall in love with pictures in their mind of who they think people are what their lives will be like with them. The picture rarely ever lines up with the reality. My advice to you is TALK TO SOMEONE. Get this out of you and vent. I think it will help a lot.

Here's a verse or two that came to my mind while reading your story:

 

“But all things that are reproved are made manifest by the light: for whatsoever doth make manifest is light. Wherefore he saith, Awake thou that sleepest, and arise from the dead, and Christ shall give thee light.”

**Ephesians‬ *5:13-14‬ *KJV‬‬

 

This is basically saying that when you bring things to the light, then darkness is extinguished. It's just like you said though, it's WANTING to do the right thing that is the problem. I have been there before where I didn't want to stop thinking about my sin or the woman that I wanted. It's hard I know, but the last part says that if we do shake ourselves from our sin, CHRIST WILL GIVE US LIGHT. it will be like awakening from a bad dream.

 

Also, why did you say you want this man because he is the opposite of your husband, just curious.

 

I hope this helps you and feel free to ask me any advice if you like, I would love to help.

[eye of the storm]

Samantha, I highly doubt anyone wakes up and says I'm going to cheat. And you say this guy would never. But if you don't fix this, then if its not this man, it will be another.

 

But maybe not, you might just start drinking to dull the day, or become so depressed you have to rely on antidepressants.

 

You are unhappy. Why would you choose to stay that way?

 

If you are this unhappy, I bet your H is too.

 

I keep saying talk to him and you act like I am telling you to have sex in public.

 

Talk to him. Sit him down and say, I'm not happy. Are you? I love you but I'm not happy. Lets fix this. Lets work on being happy.

 

Don't you want to be excited when he comes home? Don't you want to look forward to him coming into the kitchen and giving you a kiss while you are finishing dinner?

 

Don't you want to be happy? If you do, then put on your big girl pants and make it happen.

[Samanthajay84]

This church man is the opposite of what my husband is and I want that.

 

This church man is the opposite of what my husband is and I want that.

 

 

 

Also, why did you say you want this man because he is the opposite of your husband, just curious.

 

I hope this helps you and feel free to ask me any advice if you like, I would love to help.

 

Thank you for the advice. That's exactly why I came here, to hopefully seek advice from a Christian brother/sister in the faith. I appreciate it. And the answer your question, it's actually a funny answer. I think part of what attracts me to this man is he fact that he is a true servant of the lord. I've been praying for my husband to be saved for the better part of 10 years and the lord is working with him. He has gotten closer to God, but I want a man strong in faith like this man is. How ironic does that sound?