Christian woman in love with church worker

[Samanthajay84]

Welcome to Loveshack.

 

You're married and a Christian, but you're also human, so don't be too hard on yourself.

 

Posting here can be very helpful, and people here will do their best to support you, but I think you'd benefit from some counselling.

 

Have you considered that?

 

You could also consider talking to minister of your denomination, but from a different church, perhaps.

 

In the meantime, keep posting.

 

I'll say no more just now, and leave it to other members to reply.

 

 

Take care.

 

 

Thanks for the kind words. I haven't considered counseling because I'm afraid to admit to my husband that I'm not as happy as I used to be

[Samanthajay84]

So I spoke to my husband about how I've been feeling. The unhappy part, not the part about me crushing on another man. And he blew up on me! He told me that he doesn't have time to worry if I'm not happy and that he can't feel sorry for me or anyone else but himself. I didn't say anything to offend him, I made sure of that, but he still completely lost it. He told me pretty much, putting it in nice words, to go "love myself". So I'm sleeping in my daughters room tonight. I don't know what to do. Feeling worse than ever.

[adna89]

So I spoke to my husband about how I've been feeling. The unhappy part, not the part about me crushing on another man. And he blew up on me! He told me that he doesn't have time to worry if I'm not happy and that he can't feel sorry for me or anyone else but himself. I didn't say anything to offend him, I made sure of that, but he still completely lost it. He told me pretty much, putting it in nice words, to go "love myself". So I'm sleeping in my daughters room tonight. I don't know what to do. Feeling worse than ever.

 

Something makes me feel he needs to hear it to realize how serious it is

[savingshards]

So I spoke to my husband about how I've been feeling. The unhappy part, not the part about me crushing on another man. And he blew up on me! He told me that he doesn't have time to worry if I'm not happy and that he can't feel sorry for me or anyone else but himself. I didn't say anything to offend him, I made sure of that, but he still completely lost it. He told me pretty much, putting it in nice words, to go "love myself". So I'm sleeping in my daughters room tonight. I don't know what to do. Feeling worse than ever.

 

That must have been really difficult, and disappointing. And it probably makes the Deacon look that much better...but it is illusion.

There is a book that helped me - called Power of a Praying Wife. (And there is a corresponding book for husbands...but sounds like it wouldn't be a good idea to suggest that right now).

 

Don't give up. Be wise, and try something else. Just don't give up.

[OpenBook]

So I spoke to my husband about how I've been feeling. The unhappy part, not the part about me crushing on another man. And he blew up on me! He told me that he doesn't have time to worry if I'm not happy and that he can't feel sorry for me or anyone else but himself. I didn't say anything to offend him, I made sure of that, but he still completely lost it. He told me pretty much, putting it in nice words, to go "love myself". So I'm sleeping in my daughters room tonight. I don't know what to do. Feeling worse than ever.

 

Regardless of how you worded it to him, he might have translated what you said as, "I'm unhappy and it's all your fault." He is clearly feeling overwhelmed by... something, I don't know what. And he does have an equal voice in this marriage.

 

I also urge you not to give up! Be strong. Write him a note saying "Darling I love you. We're in trouble. We're both unhappy and I want us to be happy again together. I'm going to fight for this marriage. I've made an appointment with xxx, a well-regarded marriage counselor, on yyy date/time. Are you in?"

[Logan787]

So I spoke to my husband about how I've been feeling. The unhappy part, not the part about me crushing on another man. And he blew up on me! He told me that he doesn't have time to worry if I'm not happy and that he can't feel sorry for me or anyone else but himself. I didn't say anything to offend him, I made sure of that, but he still completely lost it. He told me pretty much, putting it in nice words, to go "love myself". So I'm sleeping in my daughters room tonight. I don't know what to do. Feeling worse than ever.

 

Samantha,

My heart really goes out to you. I really wish there was something I could say that would make you feel better. I really think counseling might help, but your husband comes across as someone that wouldn't be too open to it. He seems like he has a lot of rage and anger. I'm wondering what this is from, if it's from his childhood h may take it out on you, if he hasn't already.

 

I would pray, as I'm sure you already are, and read the book of Psalms a good bit. I know you feel lonley right now, but look to the Lord your Strength and Redeemer.

 

Also, I'm wondering. Your husband doesn't sound like he was a Christian when you met him. If you had to force him to go to church, why did you want to get involved with a man that didn't really have a strong relationship with the Lord. I apologize if my question is derogatory or offensive or too personal. Just wondering. Keeping you in my prayers.

[Adoraxx]

Thank you for the advice. That's exactly why I came here, to hopefully seek advice from a Christian brother/sister in the faith. I appreciate it. And the answer your question, it's actually a funny answer. I think part of what attracts me to this man is he fact that he is a true servant of the lord. I've been praying for my husband to be saved for the better part of 10 years and the lord is working with him. He has gotten closer to God, but I want a man strong in faith like this man is. How ironic does that sound?

 

Hi Samantha,

 

Welcome to LS! I'm so glad that you're not actively IN an affair yet and I hope that will never happen. I also thought that I would never ever in a million years be the one to have an affair, but it can happen to anyone of us. I also thought I was 'quite a good' Christian woman - married to a Christian man, but then my neighbor came along and he was the opposite of my husband.

 

I have to admit that I've never been in love with my H as I have been in love with this neighbor (not a Christian). But this affair (it began 8 years ago) brought me more pain that you can imagine. I've moved now and I no longer live nearby him , but oh how I wish that I would have ran as far as possible as soon as the flirting began!!!!

 

Anyway, I'm not here to preach lol, but I was thinking the following when you wrote how he is the opposite of your husband : about how you feel attracted because he is the opposite of your H especially regarding you thinking that he is a true servant of the Lord... I'm not going to attack this guy because I don't know him obviously, but you know what? Not everything is always as it seems. What if you knew about all his secrets for example...? Again, I'm not going to attack him but it's food for thought.

 

Funny because I'm not so sure if I would ever want a Christian man again. Although of course that's the biblical thing to do. Ok, I'd better stop rambling because my post doesn't make much sense but just make sure to take this man (the deacon) off his pedestal. That's a good first step.

 

A second good step would be to go to another church, I suppose.

 

Sending you much love!

Adoraxx

[Logan787]

Samantha,

Here are some links that might help you. I dint know if you've ever heard of Todd Friel or not, but he is really good and has an awesome show on YouTube.

Check out these videos. They might help.

 

 

[lovingladyo4]

I think it takes a lot of courage to expose some of the deepest parts of your soul to a group of strangers who share a variety of morals and beliefs. I commend you for becoming transparent in hopes of getting some guidance. I can tell you are genuinely concerned about this, and that is a good thing.

 

If you are a Christian then you are familiar with what the Bible says about lust, tempataion, deception, and all the other tactics the devil will use to trip you up and get your mind off the things of God. That is exactly what is happening - he is using the the lust of the flesh to derail you. These are temptations set up to see how far you will go with them, even if they just remain in your thought life. Here is a quote I heard that is pretty sobering;

"Sin will take you farther than you wanted to go, keep you longer than you wanted to stay, and cost you more than you want to pay."

 

Ask yourself if your thoughts are pleasing to God. Do they glorify Him and bring Him honor? Recognize you can't stand against the enemy without His strength. Please find someone who can begin to pray for you. You don't need to disclose any details. Stay focused on the Word of God. You are fighting a battle in your thought life and it will consume you more if you let it. Decide in your heart that you will do whatever it takes to see that this is a trap. I promise to be prayin for you too.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I think you need to take a much closer look at your marriage.

 

People who are in happy and fulfilling relationships rarely have time or energy or inclination to seek attention outside of it.

 

What's changed in your marriage? What is missing or wish you had that you're not getting? I think you need to take a serious look at WHY you're not as happy in your relationship as you used to be.

 

Your husband may be the "kindest man" on the planet but that alone doesn't make for a happy marriage. Choosing not to share your concerns with him is not only unfair but selfish. He may want a fighting chance at making things great again for heaven's sake but you're not allowing him the opportunity as long as you continue to ignore the problems and distract yourself by projecting inappropriate thoughts onto another (married) man.

 

I strongly suggest getting into private professional counselling, at least to start. Depending on where that takes you, you may need marriage counselling down the line.

 

Good luck.

Edited December 8, 2016 by Michelle ma Belle

[eye of the storm]

So I spoke to my husband about how I've been feeling. The unhappy part, not the part about me crushing on another man. And he blew up on me! He told me that he doesn't have time to worry if I'm not happy and that he can't feel sorry for me or anyone else but himself. I didn't say anything to offend him, I made sure of that, but he still completely lost it. He told me pretty much, putting it in nice words, to go "love myself". So I'm sleeping in my daughters room tonight. I don't know what to do. Feeling worse than ever.

 

Samantha, I bolded something he said. He is going thru something. Either depression, issues at work, or he is checking out of the M also.

 

Sometimes when we are depressed we cannot focus on anything outside of ourselves. All we can hear is the screaming inside our heads.

 

At least you now know this is not all in your head. Something is going on. With both of you.

 

I don't know how forceful you are but I would make an appointment with a MC and demand he go with you. But if possible, pick one that also does IC. So that if your H is dealing with something he can talk one on one with a counselor.

 

I know you are feeling like you tried to do a good thing and it back fired and made it worse...but you now have info you didn't have before. Before you thought it was all you. Now you know he is struggling also.

 

My xH cheated on me. But that isn't what destroyed my M. Communication did. I was afraid to talk to him and he didn't want to talk to me. Because we didn't talk things just built up. Because we didn't talk we made wrong assumptions about what each other was thinking/feeling/wanting/needing. Because we didn't talk, eventually we didn't care about each other. His A put the nail in the coffin of our M, but not communicating built the coffin.

 

You think last night was terrible. But think about it this way, you both have two paths in front of you. Save your M or let it die. My counselor once told me if I had put my foot down early in my M, my M would have either gotten better or ended sooner. But either way I would have been better off.

 

So, you need to think, and be honest, saving your M will be hard work, are you up for it?

 

I wish you all the best.

[Samanthajay84]

Samantha,

My heart really goes out to you. I really wish there was something I could say that would make you feel better. I really think counseling might help, but your husband comes across as someone that wouldn't be too open to it. He seems like he has a lot of rage and anger. I'm wondering what this is from, if it's from his childhood h may take it out on you, if he hasn't already.

 

I would pray, as I'm sure you already are, and read the book of Psalms a good bit. I know you feel lonley right now, but look to the Lord your Strength and Redeemer.

 

Also, I'm wondering. Your husband doesn't sound like he was a Christian when you met him. If you had to force him to go to church, why did you want to get involved with a man that didn't really have a strong relationship with the Lord. I apologize if my question is derogatory or offensive or too personal. Just wondering. Keeping you in my prayers.

 

 

Well he was a Christian, just not an active one. Me, being young and naive, I felt that was enough. But if you recall, it did get to me. I called out to God, and asked him if I should leave him, and the Lord told me not to. So, I felt leaving would be disobeying God. Like he gave me a duty. And God did deliver. My husband is in love with the Lord.

 

 

Also, I really want to thank all of you guys here at LS. I so much appreciate the kind, caring, meaningful answers you guys are sending. I've posted the exact post in other forums and I either got bashed for being a horrible wife/Christian, got slammed by atheists telling me my God doesn't exist and the Bible was written by a bunch of lunatics. You guys are great. It's good to feel like someone is there. Especially now, feeling extremely alone.

[eye of the storm]

Samantha, asking for help, admitting you are weak isn't being a bad Christian or bad wife. It is being human. Don't doubt yourself.

 

I'm sorry you are going thru this.

[Samanthajay84]

Samantha, asking for help, admitting you are weak isn't being a bad Christian or bad wife. It is being human. Don't doubt yourself.

 

I'm sorry you are going thru this.

 

 

Thank you ... and just to clarify, my husband isn't a monster. I hope I haven't painted him that way. He does have issues (don't we all) and I guess they kinda got the best of him last night. But he did apologize. He said he was sorry for saying those things and that he does care about my feelings. He hugged me and kissed me and we talked for a long time. It felt nice, but will it last?

[eye of the storm]

I never thought you painted him as a monster. But, the pan is hot. You and he both are aware there are things going on that need to be discussed. Get to a counselor so you both can get these things out.

 

Kind of like lancing a boil to get the infection out so you can heal.

 

It is nice but it won't last if you don't get the underlying issues fixed.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Hi I'm new to the forum. I feel like I have nowhere to turn because this is a very private matter. I'm 32, married, have 2 kids, and have attended the same church since I was 15. I am a Christian woman and do not, I repeat, DO NOT condone cheating or adultery. That being said...I can't stop thinking about the church deacon. He's 34, also married, has 3 kids and has also attended the same church as me since he was a teenager. I always had a crush on him to be honest. But when he got married I kind of pushed those feelings aside. It hurt..a lot. But I knew it meant he was off limits. Anyway, fast forward 10 years. I'm married, he's married, we are both happy, living our lives, raising our kids. But for the passsd few weeks I can't seem to get him out of my head. I've even had dreams about him. Fantasizing about him all day. I am finding ways to get closer to his wife just to be closer to him. All the old feelings came back and 10 times stronger! I don't know how to stop these feelings. And the worse part is, I don't want to. I know this sounds bad. Any advice? My husband is the kindest man I have ever met. I know that makes me sound like such a villain.

 

Samantha, what you are feeling is a need for a deeper relationship with God. Most of the time that's what addictions arise out of.

 

We all have that God - shaped void within us. (Though non believers may disagree, since you are a believer I'm addressing it.)

 

In your place I would take as much time as possible daily to spend in prayer and in reading your Bible to get to know Jesus Christ as a personal friend more deeply. The seductive draw you have with this man will compete with the Holy Spirit as He draws you to Jesus Christ. Whichever one, Jesus or satan (the draw you feel to this man), you feed by spending time contemplating, will prevail. God has the power to overthrow these feelings you're having that your enemy wants to use to steal your happiness and break up your family.

 

The Bible says to, "Flee sexual immorality," so to the best of your ability stay away from this man. That includes going anywhere you don't have to go where you know he'll be, thinking of him, and also even looking at him if you happen to find yourself in the same place.

 

Your situation is not that unusual. I know of more than one woman who has escaped feelings of lust for a man other than her own husband such as you describe having for this other man by getting closer to Jesus Christ through His word and prayer.

 

Personally, I believe all fantasizing about anything one shouldn't do is dangerous because thinking about doing something makes it more likely we'll do it. Thinking thoughts about another person also steals loving thoughts about one's spouse away from the spouse. This kind of secret life is the enemy of intimacy between a married couple.

 

God bless, you are in my prayers.

 

PS I wrote and posted this before reading your post about your husband's response to you when you tried to talk with him about your feelings. I am so sorry to read this and my heart goes out to you, dear Samantha. In your place I'd find a Christian counselor to go to and also get to know mature Christian women in your church that you respect and can find support from.

Edited December 8, 2016 by LivingWaterPlease

[Samanthajay84]

Everything just feels so loopy. God forgive me for saying this, and maybe I shouldn't, but he knows anyway. While it felt nice being held by my husband, the thought of being held by Will (the Deacon) kept creeping into my head. I try pushing it out but it comes back. It's driving me crazy. I start to become delusional around him. Like, I know he doesn't think of me romantically at all, but in my head, even if his eyes graze over me for a split second, I'll think "oh my god, was he just looking at me?!". I know he wasn't lol. I feel like I'm ruining my marriage. Maybe I've caused the problems by pulling away from my husband.

[eye of the storm]

Everything just feels so loopy. God forgive me for saying this, and maybe I shouldn't, but he knows anyway. While it felt nice being held by my husband, the thought of being held by Will (the Deacon) kept creeping into my head. I try pushing it out but it comes back. It's driving me crazy. I start to become delusional around him. Like, I know he doesn't think of me romantically at all, but in my head, even if his eyes graze over me for a split second, I'll think "oh my god, was he just looking at me?!". I know he wasn't lol. I feel like I'm ruining my marriage. Maybe I've caused the problems by pulling away from my husband.

 

When I'm on a diet I crave doughnuts. It's normal. Relax.

 

There are issues at home. So it is natural to fantasize about someone that you think has no issues. "If me and the deacon hook up all my problems will go away and Ill be happy." But it is fantasy. Not real. You have to keep telling yourself that.

 

To be honest, to me, this isn't about the deacon at all. I think he is a symptom. Like a runny nose is a symptom of having a cold. To get rid of the fantasy, you have to work on your reality. If your marriage was stronger I highly doubt this guy would be crossing your mind.

 

You keep focusing on him so you don't have to focus on the very real problems you have in your own home.

 

Get your house straight. I have a pretty good feeling when you do that, you won't be so interested in that guy anymore.

[HeCantBreakMe]

When I'm on a diet I crave doughnuts. It's normal. Relax.

 

There are issues at home. So it is natural to fantasize about someone that you think has no issues. "If me and the deacon hook up all my problems will go away and Ill be happy." But it is fantasy. Not real. You have to keep telling yourself that.

 

To be honest, to me, this isn't about the deacon at all. I think he is a symptom. Like a runny nose is a symptom of having a cold. To get rid of the fantasy, you have to work on your reality. If your marriage was stronger I highly doubt this guy would be crossing your mind.

 

You keep focusing on him so you don't have to focus on the very real problems you have in your own home.

 

Get your house straight. I have a pretty good feeling when you do that, you won't be so interested in that guy anymore.

 

^^^^^^^ this^^^^. OP read this and get out of your head.

 

Don't go down this soul crushing road you are traveling and do NOT get involved with a Deacon.

 

Work on your marriage and live to see another day. Actually work on your marriage and you will live and ENJOY another day.

[Samanthajay84]

Hi all,

 

My name is Samantha. I'm 32, my husband is 30. We've been together for 14 years. We have an 11 year old daughter and a 10 year old son. My daughter was recently diagnosed with scoliosis this passed summer and it was a difficult time for all of us, but thanks be to God, she is doing great!

 

My husband also lost his job last summer. He is working again but for a fraction of what he used to get paid. I do work but only part time. Being a wife and a mom is a full time job in itself.

 

We have been having some financial problems lately (understatement) and it's been stressful for us.

 

We had to move in with his dad, which has been a pain (I'm full of understatements today) because things got to be too much for us to handle alone. Needless to say things haven't been a piece of pie around here.

 

Now, please, don't get me wrong. I care for him deeply and the thought of losing him breaks my heart. But romantically, it's like we've become strangers. I have found myself thinking more and more about another man from my church. I've felt extremely guilty about it but haven't been able to control it. Being a Christian woman, I am and always have been completely against divorce. I've tried discussing my feelings with my husband (about feeling disconnected from him, not about me falling for another man) and he totally exploded on me.

 

I have suggested counseling but he is completely against it.

 

 

My question is, sometimes I feel like I'm still crazy about him and get excited when he comes home and get butterflies and all that.

 

But other times I don't feel that way a slightest bit. Like I just want out!

 

We barely have sex anymore. Maybe once a month. Zero affection, as in, kissing, holding hands all that has been done for a long time.

 

I know he's got a lot on his plate, but so do I! He thinks I'm being selfish. I don't know what to do anymore. Feel lost, alone and scared. I've been crying non stop.

 

Guess I just need some advice and someone to talk to.

 

Thanks and God bless. -Samantha

[DKT3]

When I'm on a diet I crave doughnuts. It's normal. Relax.

 

There are issues at home. So it is natural to fantasize about someone that you think has no issues. "If me and the deacon hook up all my problems will go away and Ill be happy." But it is fantasy. Not real. You have to keep telling yourself that.

 

To be honest, to me, this isn't about the deacon at all. I think he is a symptom. Like a runny nose is a symptom of having a cold. To get rid of the fantasy, you have to work on your reality. If your marriage was stronger I highly doubt this guy would be crossing your mind.

 

You keep focusing on him so you don't have to focus on the very real problems you have in your own home.

 

Get your house straight. I have a pretty good feeling when you do that, you won't be so interested in that guy anymore.

 

I disagree, it is about Will the deacon. Here is why...she has had the hots for Will since she was a teenager and its likely that...well not likely because she has flat out said she compares her husband to Will. She is actively sabotaging er marriage for a teenage fantasy of Will.

 

This has very little to do with her husband and/or marriage. It's her issue that she is unwilling to accept as her issue, so she wants no needs to make it about her husband and marriage lacking. And she claims her husband isn't a strong enough Christian?

[HeCantBreakMe]

I disagree, it is about Will the deacon. Here is why...she has had the hots for Will since she was a teenager and its likely that...well not likely because she has flat out said she compares her husband to Will. She is actively sabotaging er marriage for a teenage fantasy of Will.

 

This has very little to do with her husband and/or marriage. It's her issue that she is unwilling to accept as her issue, so she wants no needs to make it about her husband and marriage lacking. And she claims her husband isn't a strong enough Christian?

 

LOL, I truly enjoy your posts- you may want to consider a book.

 

I think you are right . I am coming to learn that so much of my lack of fulfillment that i felt was internally. Was there issues with my marriage - YES ,,, but are the issues with EVERY marriage at some point YES.. You have to find the happiness and ability to validate yourself internally not externally. If you don't NOTHING and no one will be able to please you long term.

 

It is okay to think someone else is cute or good looking but once you start acting on that thought through fantasies then you are getting into hot water- especially if this is a person easily accessible to you.

[DKT3]

LOL, I truly enjoy your posts- you may want to consider a book.

 

I think you are right . I am coming to learn that so much of my lack of fulfillment that i felt was internally. Was there issues with my marriage - YES ,,, but are the issues with EVERY marriage at some point YES.. You have to find the happiness and ability to validate yourself internally not externally. If you don't NOTHING and no one will be able to please you long term.

 

It is okay to think someone else is cute or good looking but once you start acting on that thought through fantasies then you are getting into hot water- especially if this is a person easily accessible to you.

 

This is true, specifically for women. They feel this void in their lives and instantly pick husband and marriage as the reason. Normally is issues with FOO lacking in career or education, jealousy of husbands career advancement or maybe thinking he has a better relationship with the children. Instead of looking to improve upon those things or self medicate (as a way of speaking) they turn to external sources.

 

However, here this is simply recreation of missed prom. It's as sad as those Facebook pictures of 30+ year old women taking belated prom photos. You can't recreate your youth, spend the energy making an awesome NOW.

[HeCantBreakMe]

This is true, specifically for women. They feel this void in their lives and instantly pick husband and marriage as the reason. Normally is issues with FOO lacking in career or education, jealousy of husbands career advancement or maybe thinking he has a better relationship with the children. Instead of looking to improve upon those things or self medicate (as a way of speaking) they turn to external sources.

 

However, here this is simply recreation of missed prom. It's as sad as those Facebook pictures of 30+ year old women taking belated prom photos. You can't recreate your youth, spend the energy making an awesome NOW.

 

Well said unfortunately sometimes it takes ripping everything apart to start realizing how to do this.

 

In this case- OP i hope you do not have to rip it apart to figure this out.

[eye of the storm]

DKT3, I can't argue your point. Maybe I'm giving the OP the benefit of the doubt.

 

Whatever the reason, they need to attend MC.