Christian woman in love with church worker

[Samanthajay84]

I disagree, it is about Will the deacon. Here is why...she has had the hots for Will since she was a teenager and its likely that...well not likely because she has flat out said she compares her husband to Will. She is actively sabotaging er marriage for a teenage fantasy of Will.

 

This has very little to do with her husband and/or marriage. It's her issue that she is unwilling to accept as her issue, so she wants no needs to make it about her husband and marriage lacking. And she claims her husband isn't a strong enough Christian?

 

I never said it was my husbands issue. If you read heading of my original post it said "Christian woman in love with church worker". I fully claimed responsibility for my actions (thougts, in this case. I haven't actually "acted"). And through out the whole post I've talked about the guilt that I've been feeling for even just thinking of another man intimately.

[aileD]

This is a trial of your marriage. Marriage isn't about the good times all the time, you will have many tough things to go through over the years. Right now you both are under a lot of stress and it's having an effect on your marriage . You are fantasizing about the church man because you don't really know him and he probably seems exciting and fun which is the opposite of your marriage today. It's not "falling in love", it's infatuation.

 

Don't make that mistake. Please do. Or Theo your family aside because you can't handle this rough patch in your marriage.

 

You will fall in and out of love with your husband throughout the years, it's impossible to keep the heady high of new love forever. It ebbs and flows. Don't crash your kids world because of this.

 

Work on your husband. Try to understand his insecurities. The weight of the situation you're in has got to be hurting him as well. Go to counseling alone for you. Learn how to ask for what you need in a way that will help him understand the importance to you.

 

Don't fall into then "fell out of love" trap. Love is an action. YOU make love. YOU show love. YOU help your husband to see it.

 

If he won't go to counseling, send him some websites or articles that you find helpful and ask for a time to talk about them. Tell him you love him and your family and you're scared for its future . Look him in the eye and tell him "I need you to take this seriously before it's too late"

 

Forget about church guy. You need to deal with your marriage first. If you decide not to stay married, 697 need to go through the ending of that before you entertain any other paramours . You owe that to your children.

 

Please learn from people here how close you are to destroying everything that you love. Read around. Be strong. Pray.

[DKT3]

I never said it was my husbands issue. If you read heading of my original post it said "Christian woman in love with church worker". I fully claimed responsibility for my actions (thougts, in this case. I haven't actually "acted"). And through out the whole post I've talked about the guilt that I've been feeling for even just thinking of another man intimately.

 

You are and have blamed your husband here for several perceived shortcomings. It's a back handed way of passing responsibility to him. If he was more this then i wouldn't feel this way...that has been your message, just re read your own words.

[Cephalopod]

Try one more time. Sit him down and tell him exactly what you told us. If he is unwilling to work with you to meet each other's needs, and if he will not attend marriage counseling with you, then tell him you will be seeking other options up to and including separation or divorce.

 

This is the business side of marriage.

 

Stay away from the other man. Don't think about him. Don't talk to him. Don't think about talking to him. And affair will only make things 100x worse than they are. Once you are branded an adulteress, that brand never goes away.

Edited December 8, 2016 by Cephalopod

[Samanthajay84]

You are and have blamed your husband here for several perceived shortcomings. It's a back handed way of passing responsibility to him. If he was more this then i wouldn't feel this way...that has been your message, just re read your own words.

 

 

I never tried to make him sound bad. He isn't. This is me taking full responsibility for how I feel. I've let myself entertain the idea of being with another man. I have already said I know that that's wrong. I also don't feel very attracted to Jeff (my husband) anymore. Has he changed? Yes, of course, people change. I know I have changed. My vows were "for better and worse, till death do us part". Not "until someone hotter/better or whatever comes along". That's mostly the reason I came here. Feeling really cruddy and Jeff refuses to talk about it. I think he's scared to address it.

Edited December 8, 2016 by Samanthajay84
Forgot to add something

[Samanthajay84]

Try one more time. Sit him down and tell him exactly what you told us. If he is unwilling to work with you to meet each other's needs, and if he will not attend marriage counseling with you, then tell him you will be seeking other options up to and including separation or divorce.

 

This is the business side of marriage.

 

Stay away from the other man. Don't think about him. Don't talk to him. Don't think about talking to him. And affair will only make things 100x worse than they are. Once you are branded an adulteress, that brand never goes away.

 

 

I'd never act on the thought. I am against cheateing and adulery. Feeling lousy for even thinking of it.

 

What I meant to type in my OP was, is what I'm feeling normal? Can you feel love for your spouse and resentment at the same time?

[Samanthajay84]

I think you need to take a much closer look at your marriage.

 

People who are in happy and fulfilling relationships rarely have time or energy or inclination to seek attention outside of it.

 

What's changed in your marriage? What is missing or wish you had that you're not getting? I think you need to take a serious look at WHY you're not as happy in your relationship as you used to be.

 

Your husband may be the "kindest man" on the planet but that alone doesn't make for a happy marriage. Choosing not to share your concerns with him is not only unfair but selfish. He may want a fighting chance at making things great again for heaven's sake but you're not allowing him the opportunity as long as you continue to ignore the problems and distract yourself by projecting inappropriate thoughts onto another (married) man.

 

I strongly suggest getting into private professional counselling, at least to start. Depending on where that takes you, you may need marriage counselling down the line.

 

Good luck.

 

I've suggested counseling and Jeff (my husband) has refused. I want to save my marriage as I am totally against divorce and adultery. I feel bad enough for even letting myself think of another man

[DKT3]

I never tried to make him sound bad. He isn't. This is me taking full responsibility for how I feel. I've let myself entertain the idea of being with another man. I have already said I know that that's wrong. I also don't feel very attracted to Jeff (my husband) anymore. Has he changed? Yes, of course, people change. I know I have changed. My vows were "for better and worse, till death do us part". Not "until someone hotter/better or whatever comes along". That's mostly the reason I came here. Feeling really cruddy and Jeff refuses to talk about it. I think he's scared to address it.

 

You have indicated that you feel uncomfortable because you feel it will make it worse.

 

Of course you aren't attracted to him, your comparing him to a fantasy. Very dangerous game you're playing. As I said before, women in your situation find themselves divorced before they realize the root cause. I truly believe your problem is in comparison, real vs fantasy. That would any a marriage issue that needs isn't something talking to your husband about not being a strong enough Christian will fix.

[SweetiePi]

Hi Samantha.

 

 

As another woman of faith, I can tell you we are no different when it comes to temptation like this. It doesn't make you a bad person having feelings like this. There are plenty things in life that just are grey areas. What I have learned is pushing your feelings deep down will create more misery than anything. They will, as you say, come back 10Xs stronger when you bury it. You have to find an outlet for this whether it is a sport, painting, or some other hobby that will consume you mind and hands.

 

 

I'm not here to judge you or tell you that you are a villain. I understand these feelings. All I can advise is to look to another church for a pastor that can listen to you and most important: stay away from his wife. The more you indulge in a friendship with his wife, the more ties you make socially that will be hard to break off in the future. I guarantee as a woman of faith, if you proceed further, this will eat away at you on the inside and destroy you as you realize you are coveting another woman's husband. It is a terrible feeling. All you can do is flee the temptation and limit the time spent with him and his wife to not go further. I'd hate to see you suffering like many of us on this board.

 

 

Hi I'm new to the forum. I feel like I have nowhere to turn because this is a very private matter. I'm 32, married, have 2 kids, and have attended the same church since I was 15. I am a Christian woman and do not, I repeat, DO NOT condone cheating or adultery. That being said...I can't stop thinking about the church deacon. He's 34, also married, has 3 kids and has also attended the same church as me since he was a teenager. I always had a crush on him to be honest. But when he got married I kind of pushed those feelings aside. It hurt..a lot. But I knew it meant he was off limits. Anyway, fast forward 10 years. I'm married, he's married, we are both happy, living our lives, raising our kids. But for the passsd few weeks I can't seem to get him out of my head. I've even had dreams about him. Fantasizing about him all day. I am finding ways to get closer to his wife just to be closer to him. All the old feelings came back and 10 times stronger! I don't know how to stop these feelings. And the worse part is, I don't want to. I know this sounds bad. Any advice? My husband is the kindest man I have ever met. I know that makes me sound like such a villain.

[Samanthajay84]

You have indicated that you feel uncomfortable because you feel it will make it worse.

 

Of course you aren't attracted to him, your comparing him to a fantasy. Very dangerous game you're playing. As I said before, women in your situation find themselves divorced before they realize the root cause. I truly believe your problem is in comparison, real vs fantasy. That would any a marriage issue that needs isn't something talking to your husband about not being a strong enough Christian will fix.

 

 

 

While that isn't the only problem, it is part of it. I can't help how I feel. I'm not happy with him anymore. I'm trying to be a trooper. It's hard.

[DKT3]

While that isn't the only problem, it is part of it. I can't help how I feel. I'm not happy with him anymore. I'm trying to be a trooper. It's hard.

 

You are not seeing the dynamic. Your focus attention and attraction is targeted on Will. Will=fantasy. Your husband is the road block (in your mind) between you and realizing your fantasy. As such he is a problem. Since your fantasy isn't within grasp your reality becomes less then desirable. You begin to pick it apart at the seems. Eventually it all unravels, you find yourself standing in a courtroom signing a divorce decree, only to realise years later the root cause, that is fantasy is a fantasy. In itself it's pretty harmless, it becomes dangerous when you compare it to reality.

 

The solution is grasping some reality, understanding fully how you are damaging your marriage and how you will never be happy comparing your fantasy with your reality.

 

Now I'm not saying you don't have cracks in your marriage, we all do. What I'm saying is in this situation you are making those cracks into the grand canyon.

[SweetiePi]

I feel unfulfilled in my M as well some of the same reason why you are also.

 

 

Allow for a moment to let you mind go to the what ifs... what if you left... what if he left? If you go down this road and don't form a legitimate relationship (best case scenario both of you leave your marriages, wait a few years and make it work together) a lot of people will despise you (because women end up getting a lot of blame for being a "tart" and home wrecker). All 5 of the kids will likely blame you and him for destroying their home life. As his kids grow they will likely come to hate you for taking their dad from their mom. Even if you and him did things legitimate, you will catch a lot of blame and they may never accept you into the family.

 

 

When I was a teen the pastor and an office worker began an affair. When it all came out into the open, it was not pretty. The church fell apart and people despised both of them and their children hated them for leaving their spouses for each other. It was tough to watch as some people can be very unforgiving.

 

 

I allowed my mind to go to the what ifs... and it was very sobering and got my head right about stopping it before it went too far. I hope you can too

 

 

But even if I were to leave my husband I would still have no chance of being with this other man

[DKT3]

Think of it this way...you spend hours making T-bone steak but when you sit to eat it's pork chops. Sure you may like pork chops, may even love it but it's not what you want.

[Birdies]

While that isn't the only problem, it is part of it. I can't help how I feel. I'm not happy with him anymore. I'm trying to be a trooper. It's hard.

 

When your spouse doesn't put an active effort into the marriage and doesn't make you feel loved/appreciated, it's easy to lose that "in love" feeling for him. It seems like that's what has happened. Don't let anyone here make you feel guilty for that.

 

You are smart to try to head things off at the pass though! I really think couples counseling is your best / only bet. Keep working on your husband. (It's too bad you don't believe in divorce ever period, because he has less of an incentive to work to improve your marriage if he knows you aren't going anywhere no matter what. It can be an effective bargaining tool....) But hopefully if you make it clear that getting some help on your relationship is vitally important to you, it will be important to him too.

 

I know you've said a lot of your issues are a mismatch in religious tendencies. I'm an atheist personally, so I can't speak to that. But having a strong, solid, trusting, emotionally connected marriage will help you work through those issues if they arise. I'd focus on fixing the marriage, not on the religious aspects. Good luck and take care of yourself, you're just human and you're trying to do right by everyone

[DKT3]

When your spouse doesn't put an active effort into the marriage and doesn't make you feel loved/appreciated, it's easy to lose that "in love" feeling for him. It seems like that's what has happened. Don't let anyone here make you feel guilty for that.

 

You are smart to try to head things off at the pass though! I really think couples counseling is your best / only bet. Keep working on your husband. (It's too bad you don't believe in divorce ever period, because he has less of an incentive to work to improve your marriage if he knows you aren't going anywhere no matter what. It can be an effective bargaining tool....) But hopefully if you make it clear that getting some help on your relationship is vitally important to you, it will be important to him too.

 

I know you've said a lot of your issues are a mismatch in religious tendencies. I'm an atheist personally, so I can't speak to that. But having a strong, solid, trusting, emotionally connected marriage will help you work through those issues if they arise. I'd focus on fixing the marriage, not on the religious aspects. Good luck and take care of yourself, you're just human and you're trying to do right by everyone

He cant fight if he doesn't know what is is fighting or who its against. She is dressing up desire for another man as marriage issues, but indicated she has spoke to her husband because she fears it will make it worse.

 

How does that mean he isn't making the effort? She wants him to be Will.

[SweetiePi]

I've read that book too. EVERY.SINGLE.PAGE. I bought my H the Power of a praying husband, hoping that we both could read and learn how to grow closer. He didn't even open to the first page. This was over 10 years ago. My experience is if one person reads and implements changes, and the other spouse doesn't the book doesn't help.

 

 

There is a book that helped me - called Power of a Praying Wife. (And there is a corresponding book for husbands...but sounds like it wouldn't be a good idea to suggest that right now).

[Birdies]

He cant fight if he doesn't know what is is fighting or who its against. She is dressing up desire for another man as marriage issues, but indicated she has spoke to her husband because she fears it will make it worse.

 

How does that mean he isn't making the effort? She wants him to be Will.

 

From what she's posted (see below), it sounds like their marriage is pretty stale and he doesn't seem to make much of an effort. Of course that is one person's perspective etc, but it's a very very common situation. Which is why I recommended counseling - it can be very effective at revitalizing love. I wish I'd done that before having my affair

 

I love my husband but I feel like we aren't where we are supposed to be and like he's not trying that hard. With everything. Work, money, raising our kids, even our spiritual walk.

 

So I spoke to my husband about how I've been feeling. The unhappy part, not the part about me crushing on another man. And he blew up on me! He told me that he doesn't have time to worry if I'm not happy and that he can't feel sorry for me or anyone else but himself.

[Samanthajay84]

He cant fight if he doesn't know what is is fighting or who its against. She is dressing up desire for another man as marriage issues, but indicated she has spoke to her husband because she fears it will make it worse.

 

How does that mean he isn't making the effort? She wants him to be Will.

 

 

 

I believe you're misunderstanding. While I totally accept constructive criticism, that's why I came on here, I think you missed the part where I said I did try to talk to him, and even told him I'm not feeling happy and suggested MC, he lost it. Told me he thought I was being selfish and that he didn't have time to feel sorry for me or anyone else but himself, and ended the conversation saying that I should go f*** myself.

 

He apologized this morning but still, we are and have been very distant with each other.

[Samanthajay84]

From what she's posted (see below), it sounds like their marriage is pretty stale and he doesn't seem to make much of an effort. Of course that is one person's perspective etc, but it's a very very common situation. Which is why I recommended counseling - it can be very effective at revitalizing love. I wish I'd done that before having my affair

 

I love my husband but I feel like we aren't where we are supposed to be and like he's not trying that hard. With everything. Work, money, raising our kids, even our spiritual walk.

 

So I spoke to my husband about how I've been feeling. The unhappy part, not the part about me crushing on another man. And he blew up on me! He told me that he doesn't have time to worry if I'm not happy and that he can't feel sorry for me or anyone else but himself.

 

Thank you. And yes, you're right. There are always 3 sides to every story. My view, his view, and the truth. I'm not meaning to make him sound like a monster or a bad person, he truly isn't. He's a great man. I just feel like I want more. Does that make me sound like a really bad person? I know that's how I feel.

[BTDT2012]

Yes, it is normal to feel resentment at the situation that you find yourself in. But is it fair/reasonable? Did he do something to cause his loss of employment?

[basil67]

Samantha, I'm also a wife and mom. And it's NOT a full time job when the kids are as old as yours are. The kids are at school for six hours a day - housekeeping does not take this amount of time.

 

I would suggest that you need to start looking for full time work. Your son could go to after school care and your daughter is old enough to look after herself at home. Your kids and husband should all be able to share the domestic work with you. Yes, it's tough - but pulling together is what households need to do in times of need.

[jbsophie]

As I read this I can't help but feel that you know what to do. You have to decide to do it! Being in close proximity to this man is not a good idea at this time. Probably never. Sounds like you have a wonderful husband and you need to cultivate a relationship with him again. I know it is hard when everything in your body tells you that you have strong feelings but you also know the havic you will cause in both of your families if you let these feelings go unchecked. If you can't distance yourself from him I would seek a counsellor to help you set up boundaries. You will be so happy you did. Be courageous and lean on the Holy Spirit to give you this strength.

[Samanthajay84]

Yes, it is normal to feel resentment at the situation that you find yourself in. But is it fair/reasonable? Did he do something to cause his loss of employment?

 

No he didn't. The company he worked for cut a lot of people they couldn't afford to keep around any longer. His boss was very nice about it. Told him he'd put a good word in where ever else he goes. And he has. Jeff is currently working again, but literally, less then half of what he was getting paid previously.

[Samanthajay84]

Samantha, I'm also a wife and mom. And it's NOT a full time job when the kids are as old as yours are. The kids are at school for six hours a day - housekeeping does not take this amount of time.

 

I would suggest that you need to start looking for full time work. Your son could go to after school care and your daughter is old enough to look after herself at home. Your kids and husband should all be able to share the domestic work with you. Yes, it's tough - but pulling together is what households need to do in times of need.

 

 

 

Agreed. I guess I just feel a lot of weight on me like never before.

[LancasterAmos1966]

He apologized this morning but still, we are and have been very distant with each other.

 

Hi Sister Samanthajay84,

 

I'm very sorry that you are facing disappointment in your marriage.

 

My wife walked out 4 years ago. I became Mr. Mom overnight. She left me and our kids, and has not returned!!

 

But I'm like you --- I don't believe in divorce. It's not my first preference to live without my wife, but as a Christ-follower, I understand and accept that I'm just passing through.

 

My hope is not in my wife or how much money I have in the bank. My hope is in the Lord. By having my wife walk out, it's helped me to think even more on the eternal rather than the temporary things of this life.

 

For encouragement about marriage and family:

Google "Steve and Annie Chapman songs."

 

Their song "

" is a classic.

 

 

My faith is strong enough to believe that God will work all of this out for you. The sick man could not take himself to Jesus, so a few good friends took him there, cut a hole in the house roof, and lowered him down to Jesus. (Mark 2 and Luke 5)

 

Steve and Annie Chapman have a song titled

"

 

 

Focus On The Family can help give you some guidance, and they'll pray for you too.

 

Counseling Services and Referrals | Focus on the Family

 

 

Contact Us | Focus on the Family

 

"For needs of an urgent or serious nature, we have a staff of licensed professional counselors who are available to listen, pray, and provide guidance. You can arrange to speak with a counselor at no cost by calling 1-855-771-HELP (4357) Monday through Friday between 6:00 a.m. and 8:00 p.m"

 

I did not call Focus On The Family, but I did contact the Myerstown Theological Seminary, and their fee is based on a sliding scale; so I paid $5.00 per session. I'm not sure where you are located, but you might want to contact them just to see if there is someone they can direct you to in your area.

 

Affordable Costs ? The Marriage & Family Counseling Centers

 

I will be praying for you, your husband and your family.