Christian woman in love with church worker

[Samanthajay84]

Hi Sister Samanthajay84,

 

I'm very sorry that you are facing disappointment in your marriage.

 

My wife walked out 4 years ago. I became Mr. Mom overnight. She left me and our kids, and has not returned!!

 

But I'm like you --- I don't believe in divorce. It's not my first preference to live without my wife, but as a Christ-follower, I understand and accept that I'm just passing through.

 

My hope is not in my wife or how much money I have in the bank. My hope is in the Lord. By having my wife walk out, it's helped me to think even more on the eternal rather than the temporary things of this life.

 

For encouragement about marriage and family:

Google "Steve and Annie Chapman songs."

 

Their song "

" is a classic.

 

 

My faith is strong enough to believe that God will work all of this out for you. The sick man could not take himself to Jesus, so a few good friends took him there, cut a hole in the house roof, and lowered him down to Jesus. (Mark 2 and Luke 5)

 

Steve and Annie Chapman have a song titled

"

 

 

Focus On The Family can help give you some guidance, and they'll pray for you too.

 

Counseling Services and Referrals | Focus on the Family

 

 

Contact Us | Focus on the Family

 

"For needs of an urgent or serious nature, we have a staff of licensed professional counselors who are available to listen, pray, and provide guidance. You can arrange to speak with a counselor at no cost by calling 1-855-771-HELP (4357) Monday through Friday between 6:00 a.m. and 8:00 p.m"

 

I did not call Focus On The Family, but I did contact the Myerstown Theological Seminary, and their fee is based on a sliding scale; so I paid $5.00 per session. I'm not sure where you are located, but you might want to contact them just to see if there is someone they can direct you to in your area.

 

Affordable Costs ? The Marriage & Family Counseling Centers

 

I will be praying for you, your husband and your family.

 

 

One of my favorite bible stories. The lame man and his helpful friends. Thank you brother. I will keep you in prayer also. God bless.

[Logan787]

Samantha,

 

I hope this verse encourages you.

 

John 13:7

Jesus answered him, “What I am doing you do not understand now, but afterward you will understand.”

[Samanthajay84]

So this morning, I am actually feeling good, thank God. My husband and I talked a whole lot last night and while it did get a little heated at times, we kept our cool as best as we could.

 

I told him that it wasn't all his fault, but I have been feeling a little distant from him. He told me he felt like I haven't been there for him in his stressful time. We both agreed to work on these things.

 

I think we made progress but I'm really scared and confused. I want to make it work, I really do, and I know marriage is supposed to be work, it's not always peaches and cream, but Will keeps popping up in my mind.

 

Now before you judge me, let me say this... I promise the thoughts I have for Will aren't dirty at all. Almost, dare I say, innocent. Ok, that sounds wrong. They're not innocent, per se, but they aren't sexual is what I'm trying to say. I just imanige how my life would have been if I ended up with him. We used to be friends when we were kids. He never showed any romantic interest in me at all, but I was head over heels. I never told him but he knew. It hurt when he got engaged. Even after he got married, I was still wounded for a long time.

 

Then I met Jeff. And you know what? I completely forgot about Will. Jeff was a great man who actually liked me back lol which was new to me. We dated for 2 years. Then we got married.

 

I can honestly say that's it's only been a few months that I've been having strong feelings for Will again...ok, I'll admit that they did pop up once in a while but nothing more than me just thinking he looked good, or admiring something he'd done. But not like this. I've been non stop thinking of him, hoping they Jeff would follow through with the plans he and Will made about a couples trip. Bad idea, I know, but I find myself thinking about being close to him all the time.

 

Not blaming my husband. I know this is my fault and I am admitting that. I guess I just wanted some advice and some comfort in knowing I'm not the only one who ever this way in their marriage and I'm not a monster.

 

Sorry if this was long, I felt like getting it out.

 

Feeling like a really bad person after re reading it.

[GorillaTheater]

Please excuse me if this has already been suggested, but I'd advise changing churches. I understand that this wouldn't quickly and miraculously solve the issue, but not having to see Will once or twice a week will remove a point of tension.

 

 

I don't say this lightly. I know that changing churches can be a big deal, but I think it would be worth it.

[Samanthajay84]

Please excuse me if this has already been suggested, but I'd advise changing churches. I understand that this wouldn't quickly and miraculously solve the issue, but not having to see Will once or twice a week will remove a point of tension.

 

 

I don't say this lightly. I know that changing churches can be a big deal, but I think it would be worth it.

 

 

I have given it thought but not sure if I could. Been serving there for 17 years. I love my church. I love my pastor, I love the congregation. I'd hate to lose my home church for some dumb, pointless crush.

[jen1447]

I have given it thought but not sure if I could. Been serving there for 17 years. I love my church. I love my pastor, I love the congregation. I'd hate to lose my home church for some dumb, pointless crush.

 

I'm not the one to give you advice about Christianity or church but in general you shouldn't marginalize or trivialize your emotions bc that just drives a wedge between you and yourself. So your crush may seem silly to you intellectually but wholistically it's not actually dumb at all. (Tho it may be pointless.)

 

Challenge for you is to find out why you're feeling the things you do and then get hold of those emotions, and you don't do that just by (self) mocking and dismissing them.

[Samanthajay84]

I'm not the one to give you advice about Christianity or church but in general you shouldn't marginalize or trivialize your emotions bc that just drives a wedge between you and yourself. So your crush may seem silly to you intellectually but wholistically it's not actually dumb at all. (Tho it may be pointless.)

 

Challenge for you is to find out why you're feeling the things you do and then get hold of those emotions, and you don't do that just by (self) mocking and dismissing them.

 

I believe I already know where they're coming from, but I can't address it without sounding like a total b****. When I say it out loud it sounds like I'm blaming my husband for my falling for another man. I don't mean it like that. I'm not blaming him. I just wish he'd get a little more of a grip. He's not the only one these hard times are hurting, ya know?

[jen1447]

I believe I already know where they're coming from, but I can't address it without sounding like a total b****. When I say it out loud it sounds like I'm blaming my husband for my falling for another man. I don't mean it like that. I'm not blaming him. I just wish he'd get a little more of a grip. He's not the only one these hard times are hurting, ya know?

 

So it sounds like you're losing respect for hubs, while meanwhile here's this other guy you can observe from a distance who seems like he's everything you lack in hubs. Sound about right?

 

If so there's some truth to that - ppl don't just lose respect for others for no reason, and while your attraction to the other guy may be some part fantasy being as it's not based in the day-to-day grind like w hubs, he no doubt still kinda is a more viable partner, despite the obvious prohibitions. (Biology doesn't really care about the practical limitations of culture and ethics, and neither do emotions. They just do what they do regardless.)

[LancasterAmos1966]

I love my church. I love my pastor, I love the congregation. I'd hate to lose my home church for some dumb, pointless crush.

 

 

You must know within yourself how serious this situation is. If you know that you can stay, and you can practice self-control, then go with that decision.

 

We changed churches and environments to help my estranged wife --- but she wasn't interested in honoring her vow or having a good testimony. So our moving only delayed the inevitable.

 

Your husband is truly blessed to have a wife like you --- so "Cast not away therefore your confidence" Hebrews 10:35

 

Here's an old newsletter from David Wilkerson that might give you some encouragement:

 

Stand Still and See the Salvation of the Lord!

 

"Stand Still and See the Salvation of the Lord!" By David Wilkerson, founding pastor of Times Square Church, New York City - June 9, 1997

[Samanthajay84]

You must know within yourself how serious this situation is. If you know that you can stay, and you can practice self-control, then go with that decision.

 

We changed churches and environments to help my estranged wife --- but she wasn't interested in honoring her vow or having a good testimony. So our moving only delayed the inevitable.

 

Your husband is truly blessed to have a wife like you --- so "Cast not away therefore your confidence" Hebrews 10:35

 

Here's an old newsletter from David Wilkerson that might give you some encouragement:

 

Stand Still and See the Salvation of the Lord!

 

"Stand Still and See the Salvation of the Lord!" By David Wilkerson, founding pastor of Times Square Church, New York City - June 9, 1997

 

 

Oh my goodness! My husband and I absolutely adored pastor Dave. We attend Times Square church once in a while and it hasn't been the same since his passing. God bless you for sharing.

[GollumsNightmare]

I have given it thought but not sure if I could. Been serving there for 17 years. I love my church. I love my pastor, I love the congregation. I'd hate to lose my home church for some dumb, pointless crush.

 

But, don't you see that the slippery slope of this pointless crush with Will could ruin all of the above PLUS destroy the family life of Will, his wife and three children as well as your own family unit?

 

Doesn't ALL of that destruction seem silly over a crush and some fantasies?

 

Your church would be rocked by an affair of a deacon, his wife and children hurt more than you know by an affair, AND your family would never be the same again.

 

I've said it before and it really applies in this situation...

 

God is not going to send you another woman's Husband to be your soulmate. He's just not.

 

I've been an OW and a BS. I've been a church member my whole life and the guilt after my affair was soul crushing. The pain from my husband's affair was unbearable. It took decades to get over being the OW. It has been three years of hell to get past H's affair. I wouldn't wish either on anyone. You have time to go another direction. I pray you will.

[Samanthajay84]

But, don't you see that the slippery slope of this pointless crush with Will could ruin all of the above PLUS destroy the family life of Will, his wife and three children as well as your own family unit?

 

Doesn't ALL of that destruction seem silly over a crush and some fantasies?

 

Your church would be rocked by an affair of a deacon, his wife and children hurt more than you know by an affair, AND your family would never be the same again.

 

I've said it before and it really applies in this situation...

 

God is not going to send you another woman's Husband to be your soulmate. He's just not.

 

I've been an OW and a BS. I've been a church member my whole life and the guilt after my affair was soul crushing. The pain from my husband's affair was unbearable. It took decades to get over being the OW. It has been three years of hell to get past H's affair. I wouldn't wish either on anyone. You have time to go another direction. I pray you will.

 

Yes! It's seems incredibly silly. That's why I came here to LS I guess. To kind of get a reality check. I won't act on these feelings. But part of me is scared that the only reason I know I won't act on them, is because I know he wouldn't ever be unfaithful. But what if he ever did, say, smile, or stare at me? Would that change the game for me? It's scary to feel so insecure in your marriage.

[LancasterAmos1966]

Your church would be rocked by an affair of a deacon, his wife and children hurt more than you know by an affair, AND your family would never be the same again.

 

 

 

GollumsNightmare, You are absolutely correct in what you've written.

 

My line of thinking is that if she really wanted to sin, she would not have come onto a public forum to discuss it.

 

And since she is seeking help, to me this validates that God does not allow a true Christ-follower to be tempted further than what we can handle.

 

"There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it." I Corinthians 10:13

 

From this verse above, the temptation she is experiencing is common, but God will make a way for her to escape --- provided she wants to escape.

 

And in my opinion, she has every desire to escape.

 

She simply needs some encouragement and compassion to help get through this "dumb, pointless crush."

 

The tiny book of Jude, verses 22 and 23 state that we are to have a compassionate attitude with some but with others, we need to be giving them strong warnings against proceeding any further down the wrong path.

 

"And of some have compassion, making a difference:

And others save with fear, pulling them out of the fire;"

 

She has not acted, so I think compassion is the best way to encourage her at this point.

 

But if she comes on this board in the future to tell us that she has taken this temptation into something more physical, then bombarding her with a good dose of fear would be warranted as a last-ditch attempt to save her from losing her reputation, her marriage, her clear conscience, etc, etc., etc.

[LancasterAmos1966]

But what if he ever did, say, smile, or stare at me? Would that change the game for me? It's scary to feel so insecure in your marriage.

 

 

If he smiles at you, smile back.

 

If he stares at you, try to break the stare by looking down, leaving the room, etc.

 

There's actually a very simple method to make sure you don't give-in to temptation.....and here is that verse:

 

James 4:7 "Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you."

 

Just keep being a Christ-follower......day in and day out.....and you'll get through this.

 

Here's another classic song; I hope it encourages you to be faithful.

 

Susan Ashton

There Is A Line I Will Not Cross

[Samanthajay84]

Hello my LS friends!

 

Just a quick update.

 

Last night was a breakthrough for us, I think. My husband came home from work around 6pm, with roses in his hand. Told me to get dressed and took me out on a real date! Dinner at our favorite place, (the place he proposed ? Gosh that seems like a million years ago) then a movie. After all of that we came home. The kids were already asleep. And I hope I'm not out of line for talking about this, but.. we actually made love for the first time in...oh I don't even remember! Many more months than I can even think. I know it was warm weather out :/

 

And as all this was going on, I didn't think of the other guy once! Hoping to continue with all this positivity and happiness. Feeling thankful and happy. Like myself again.

[QuietDan]

I don't want a divorce and I'd never cheat. Not to mention the man I'm falling for is a church worker, he'd never cheat either. I'm trying to be a good wife, I am, but I feel so inadequate. I don't even feel attracted to my husband anymore. We haven't kissed, like really kissed as in, hot make out session in months...many months.

 

I don't know how many times I have read this very statement from regretful, remorseful, wayward spouses over the years.

Or something like... If you told me 3 months ago that I would have an affair, I never thought I was capable of having an affair, The affair that I had went against everything I ever believed in.... So many, many, times, only to find themselves trying to figure out how to extract themselves from an addictive affair that is on the verge of destroying all aspects of the life they once had.

Usually, this very statement seems to be said within days or weeks. Of an impending affair.

 

I suppose, it may be that, one of the enemies soldiers may be listening, perhaps it is a typical sign for a particular state of weakness we have.

So, this kind of statement may in fact, indicate you are particularly vulnerable to a variety of perfected spiritual attacks that probable have proven to be very effective. Be on your guard.

 

Turn to the Word to find completeness and fulfillment through a relationship with Christ. We are all to one degree or another coping with a sinful nature.

There s only one whos is without sin. No sinful person/man can really complete you. Sooner or later, every man will fail to deliver on every expectation. Most more than that. Turn to Christ and study what the bible has to say on marriage and relationships. It will be easier to build an appropriate relationship with your husband that will stand the test of time then. Just because your husband currently may be not as mature in a variety of circumstances and he probable should be, doesn't mean that one day he won't be. Most people have to grow into the roles and responsibilities. It takes some longer than others.

 

Study (1 Corinthians 13:4-8). It helps, it challenges, it guides, it reassures...

Someday I hope to be able to truly live up to these passages. I just haven't gotten there yet.

 

This kind of dissatisfaction isn't all that uncommon, many, perhaps most relationships go through this time and time again. Sort of ebbs and flows depending on so very many different issues. One partner then the next, back and forth over time....It all depends on coping, communication, maturity, etc.

[SoleMate]

You need someone safe to talk to. And I wouldn't start with your H.

 

I also would not recommend the W of the man you're crushing on! Or the man himself. Or anyone in your church......just too easy for secrets to get out. You need to be able to spill your guts.

 

I'd recommend a professional counselor who is not part of your local church, and preferably not even part of your denomination. (Because sometimes there can be back door communication outside your control.) This counselor will give you a place to share your temptations and work on strategies to detect what is going on and cut it off before it goes any farther. Next step can be how to reconnect with your H.

 

Most marriages go through doldrums and down times. It's normal! Your choice how you respond. The best path is to reconnect with the husband you chose and reawaken the desire in each other for emotional and physical closeness. It's what will ultimately bring you longterm happiness and satisfaction and is also riskfree! (Assuming you're married to a decent and appropriate partner.)

[OpenBook]

Hello my LS friends!

 

Just a quick update.

 

Last night was a breakthrough for us, I think. My husband came home from work around 6pm, with roses in his hand. Told me to get dressed and took me out on a real date! Dinner at our favorite place, (the place he proposed ? Gosh that seems like a million years ago) then a movie. After all of that we came home. The kids were already asleep. And I hope I'm not out of line for talking about this, but.. we actually made love for the first time in...oh I don't even remember! Many more months than I can even think. I know it was warm weather out :/

 

And as all this was going on, I didn't think of the other guy once! Hoping to continue with all this positivity and happiness. Feeling thankful and happy. Like myself again.

 

And what a fine strapping testosterone-laden REAL MAN you've got yourself there!!! :bunny: I think you chose wisely to begin with. Keep up the Good Work!!!

[LancasterAmos1966]

took me out on a real date! Dinner at our favorite place

 

Now, fan the fire by putting up 3 sticky notes around the house that tells him how much you love him...bathroom mirror, zip lock bag put inside his shoe, another attached to the rear view mirror in the car..and always write out his name to help keep his name in your mind.

 

After he finds all 3, look him in the eyes,and say "I love you Jeff" (or whatever his name is).....from now on, always add his name to the I love you" -----this can help get the other name out of your mind.

 

Still praying for you Sister!!

[Logan787]

So proud of you and happy for you Samantha!

[DKT3]

Hello my LS friends!

 

Just a quick update.

 

Last night was a breakthrough for us, I think. My husband came home from work around 6pm, with roses in his hand. Told me to get dressed and took me out on a real date! Dinner at our favorite place, (the place he proposed ? Gosh that seems like a million years ago) then a movie. After all of that we came home. The kids were already asleep. And I hope I'm not out of line for talking about this, but.. we actually made love for the first time in...oh I don't even remember! Many more months than I can even think. I know it was warm weather out :/

 

And as all this was going on, I didn't think of the other guy once! Hoping to continue with all this positivity and happiness. Feeling thankful and happy. Like myself again.

 

I have been posting on this site a long time, reading story after story just like this.

 

I'm often seen as a bad guy here in the OW/OM section because I tend to bring the focus back to the betrayed spouses, when they want to focus on the AP and thier own feelings. The poi t being the best way for a person to avoid falling into affairs or dig out is to reinvest into the family, into thier spouse. Sometimes it may be some faking it abit, either way by placing that energy and effort into the spouse instead of the AP or in your case the long time object of your desire, it will become clearer which direction you need to proceed with. Sometimes the marriage isn't worth saving, most time the WS has tricked and betrayed themselves rewrote the history of thier marrige ignored or belittled any and all efforts placed by the BS.

 

You're taking that path, give your husband a chance to fight for his marriage and the opportunity to choose his path.

 

With that said, your interest in this other guy isn't a marriage issue, you've openly admitted ithis other guy was what you wanted before you met your husband, you've fantasized about him throughout your marriage, that means even during good times. I think that's something you will have to deal with. Your going to have to get this fantasy under control or else it will continue to pop up and create issues in your marriage.

[Samanthajay84]

I have been posting on this site a long time, reading story after story just like this.

 

I'm often seen as a bad guy here in the OW/OM section because I tend to bring the focus back to the betrayed spouses, when they want to focus on the AP and thier own feelings. The poi t being the best way for a person to avoid falling into affairs or dig out is to reinvest into the family, into thier spouse. Sometimes it may be some faking it abit, either way by placing that energy and effort into the spouse instead of the AP or in your case the long time object of your desire, it will become clearer which direction you need to proceed with. Sometimes the marriage isn't worth saving, most time the WS has tricked and betrayed themselves rewrote the history of thier marrige ignored or belittled any and all efforts placed by the BS.

 

You're taking that path, give your husband a chance to fight for his marriage and the opportunity to choose his path.

 

With that said, your interest in this other guy isn't a marriage issue, you've openly admitted ithis other guy was what you wanted before you met your husband, you've fantasized about him throughout your marriage, that means even during good times. I think that's something you will have to deal with. Your going to have to get this fantasy under control or else it will continue to pop up and create issues in your marriage.

 

Yes, but being reminded that I have a man right in front of me makes fantasizing about this guy seem even more silly and pointless than what it was.

 

The reason I came to LS was to get advice on how to save my marriage. Not to get approval to sleep with Will.

 

If it didn't happen while we were both single, it sure ain't gonna happen now.

 

I was mad at him for a long time, too. I kept replaying scenarios in my head where I would flirt with him (before either of us were in relationships) and him totally dismissing it.

 

I don't even think I'd want to be with Will. I just want to be happy with Jeff.

[DKT3]

Yes, but being reminded that I have a man right in front of me makes fantasizing about this guy seem even more silly and pointless than what it was.

 

The reason I came to LS was to get advice on how to save my marriage. Not to get approval to sleep with Will.

 

If it didn't happen while we were both single, it sure ain't gonna happen now.

 

I was mad at him for a long time, too. I kept replaying scenarios in my head where I would flirt with him (before either of us were in relationships) and him totally dismissing it.

 

I don't even think I'd want to be with Will. I just want to be happy with Jeff.

 

My last post wasn't clear, I think you are doing the right thing....i don't think this is something you need to really discuss with your husband(Will that is) because as I've stated it's your issue, something you've dealt with prior to your husband. How it can cause damage in your marriage is you comparing which you are guilty of.

 

Secondly, being that this Will situation hasn't really diminished in over a decade I think some tough decision need to be made in the best interest of your marriage. You seem unwilling to make those changes, failing to do so you will likely continue to repeat this process. Marriage has ebbs and flows, you won't always be "in love" with your husband, sometimes even 15-20 years in you will be head over heels in love and infatuated like a new relationship. Respect, empathy and understanding has to remain the constant. I sensed a lack of those things from you. Your husband had outside stressor and you seem to lack empathy instead becoming upset and turning your interest outside.

[Samanthajay84]

So Jeff and I just had this crazy fight over absolutely nothing. The kids were playing with a puzzle and wanted to see a picture of the completed image to get an idea of what to do. So I remember my husband had a picture of it in his phone. We accidentally threw the box out. So Jeff said just google it. I told him but why google it when we have a pic in your phone? Then he totally blew up worse then ever before yelling at me saying that I'll do anything to not have to listen to him.

 

I don't even know how to respond. I'm freaking out. I feel like he went bonkers. I feel like running out of the house but I literally have nowhere to go. It's late and snowing here. I'm crying as I type this. This is what happens. We have a good few days and then something like this happens. I didn't say anything bad. I don't know what to do.

[OpenBook]

...he totally blew up worse then ever before yelling at me saying that I'll do anything to not have to listen to him.

 

...This is what happens. We have a good few days and then something like this happens.

 

Wait wait wait. This has happened before? lots of times? I thought you said your H was the kindest person you've ever met. Totally confused with your story here.