Cake Eating

[AutumnMoon]

Why is it horrible? I guess I mean why is it deemed worse than being with the person and wanting them to leave their husband or wife and family life.

 

I guess I'm clearly a cake eater because I love this guy but I do not want him to leave his family for me, and I am not ready to leave my kids or husband.

[gettingstronger]

I'm not sure anyone said there's a difference. It usually refers to a married person in an affair, even those that want to be with the AP but won't leave their own spouse.

[SeenNotHeard]

OP I get what you are asking, but not sure ultimately if there is a satisfactory answer. What you describe in terms of the cake eating this is exactly the way I felt during my affair. I didn't want a future with my OM and I was not prepared to leave my spouse, no future faking was entertained by either of us. I guess the investment into the affair varies for a lot of people even in a long term affair like mine was.

 

Maybe we are conditioned to feel more sympathy for the AP who falls hopelessly in love rather than the greedy cake eater.

[FoundMyStrength]

I view cake-eating as a pretty objective description. However, many cake-eaters are subjectively pretty awful: lying, deceiving, manipulating, and otherwise leading OM and OW on in order to have a never-ending supply of cake.

 

If my xMM had told me point blank that he was committed to his wife, loved her dearly, had no intention of ever leaving, and really just wanted to soak in my love, ego boosts, and sexual chemistry for many months before leaving me high and dry, the answer would have been a solid no.

 

But he wanted his cake, he wanted to continue eating it, and he knew that the truth would send me running for the hills.

 

I think people like my xMM are why cake-eating gets a bad reputation.

[drypuddle]

If my xMM had told me point blank that he was committed to his wife, loved her dearly, had no intention of ever leaving, and really just wanted to soak in my love, ego boosts, and sexual chemistry for many months before leaving me high and dry, the answer would have been a solid no.

 

We already established that either us or our APs were spirit animals, but it was the same for me. I could only be in the relationship when I sincerely believed that he was leaving.

[AutumnMoon]

OP I get what you are asking, but not sure ultimately if there is a satisfactory answer. What you describe in terms of the cake eating this is exactly the way I felt during my affair. I didn't want a future with my OM and I was not prepared to leave my spouse, no future faking was entertained by either of us. I guess the investment into the affair varies for a lot of people even in a long term affair like mine was.

 

Maybe we are conditioned to feel more sympathy for the AP who falls hopelessly in love rather than the greedy cake eater.

 

Exactly I really do love him. Although not ideal and not something he wants to do immediately he has made it clear he would leave if I wanted to. So yes I've called myself greedy many times I've said those actual words that I'm greedy. I do love my husband it's not in the same way but I do love him and I want to raise my kids with him to make him happy and I intend to do that forever right now.

I didn't get jealous sometimes the mostly I just want this guy to have a really good marriage to them to love one another! That's how he's happiest.

 

there is a very obvious difference between how people write to people on here depending the dynamic of the affair. I understand that there would have to be I just wondered. I sometimes feel less guilty I think because I do not intend to break up any families.

[AutumnMoon]

We have talked about being together but I just don't think it's realistic for us . Our situation is different in that we have all mutual friends are kids know one another that kind of thing. Ending up together would probably be pretty awkward for a lot of people and I feel like I'm saving people that awkwardness I guess I'm probably lying to myself Too!

 

I'm cake eating but I truely love both men. In very different ways.

[gettingstronger]

We have talked about being together but I just don't think it's realistic for us . Our situation is different in that we have all mutual friends are kids know one another that kind of thing. Ending up together would probably be pretty awkward for a lot of people and I feel like I'm saving people that awkwardness I guess I'm probably lying to myself Too!

 

I'm cake eating but I truely love both men. In very different ways.

 

I refreshed my memory by reading some of your old threads. You're not really a cake eater, you're addicted to the drama. It seems you may be masking insecurity with the drama of being in an affair. I think a cake eater is someone ok with a double life, I don't see you that way. I think you'd miss the drama of an affair.

[SeenNotHeard]

Exactly I really do love him. Although not ideal and not something he wants to do immediately he has made it clear he would leave if I wanted to. So yes I've called myself greedy many times I've said those actual words that I'm greedy. I do love my husband it's not in the same way but I do love him and I want to raise my kids with him to make him happy and I intend to do that forever right now.

I didn't get jealous sometimes the mostly I just want this guy to have a really good marriage to them to love one another! That's how he's happiest.

 

there is a very obvious difference between how people write to people on here depending the dynamic of the affair. I understand that there would have to be I just wondered. I sometimes feel less guilty I think because I do not intend to break up any families.

 

You summed up some of my seemingly lack of remorse and greedy factor in terms of having the affair. I knew my affair partner ultimately loved his BS. We spoke openly about our feelings for our spouses and usually in a very positive light. Did I feel bad at times? Absolutely, but not enough to stop it. Agreed one could surmise many do not share the viewpoint an affair, is an affair, is an affair.

[AutumnMoon]

I refreshed my memory by reading some of your old threads. You're not really a cake eater, you're addicted to the drama. It seems you may be masking insecurity with the drama of being in an affair. I think a cake eater is someone ok with a double life, I don't see you that way. I think you'd miss the drama of an affair.

 

I'm not addicted to drama at all.. but I'd miss the affair i know I would/ life seems very bleek sometimes if I picture It without him.

 

I lied to myself a lot in the first couple years about how I felt and what I wanted.

I truely just love him. We did try to end it but I think balance is all we needed. I don't lie to anybody about anything except by omission. I haven't told anyone, we do not argue. Not very dramatic

[AutumnMoon]

You summed up some of my seemingly lack of remorse and greedy factor in terms of having the affair. I knew my affair partner ultimately loved his BS. We spoke openly about our feelings for our spouses and usually in a very positive light. Did I feel bad at times? Absolutely, but not enough to stop it. Agreed one could surmise many do not share the viewpoint an affair, is an affair, is an affair.

 

I agree. I know I just tell myself it's not as bad. I understand it's just different

 

Did yours end on good terms ?

[DKT3]

"I intend to do that forever right now" clearly words from a very confused woman

[imsosad]

For me, cake eating is about changing the rules of the game, to suit my owm needs and wants, without being clear and truthful to all involved parties.

MM/W change the rules on their spouses without letting them in on it, in order to perserve the marriage. In short, to benefit from the advantages of marriage. Many MM lie and future fake tp their OW in order to benefit from.the affair. Fewer, like you and your MM are clear and transparent to one another, while still keeping your spouses in the dark. That is where the cake eating is. Enjoying a situation without consequence.

You say you love two men and I believe you, because Ive been there and in many ways, I still am. Thing is, would your husband choose to be there if he knew what the real deal is?

There is no way to conduct a noble, respectable affair.

[freengreen]

Loving someone is not a bad thing. I respect love. But if its on the cost of betraying someone else who has trusted you, its baseless. Fall in love!.. yes.. but keep the hurt quotient zero to min. For affairs this factor is astronomical if kids are involved.

 

Some people might find the right partner after they get married but keep it clean and take care of all of the strings attached in a responsible way.

I think we have no right to play with others trust and feelings like that.

[gettingstronger]

I'm not addicted to drama at all.. but I'd miss the affair i know I would/ life seems very bleek sometimes if I picture It without him.

 

I lied to myself a lot in the first couple years about how I felt and what I wanted.

I truely just love him. We did try to end it but I think balance is all we needed. I don't lie to anybody about anything except by omission. I haven't told anyone, we do not argue. Not very dramatic

 

No, I mean the drama of lying and sneaking around. You post about his wife, their marriage, the social circle affair. We learned a lot about low self esteem and insecurity in therapy. Are you in therapy? It's great for peeling back the layers and discovering why you're doing what you do. It's not really about cake eating, it's about imagined power over others.

[Logan787]

Some people might find the right partner after they get married but keep it clean and take care of all of the strings attached in a responsible way.

I think we have no right to play with others trust and feelings like that.

 

I agree with this. What gets me is these people that say they love their spouse, all the while they are stabbing them in the back and stomping on their hearts by sleeping around on them. If you truly loved your spouse, you wouldn't be screwing around on them. Love is about commitment and sacrifice. Not emotions and feelings. Ask yourself how you would feel if your spouse was doing you the same way and playing you for a fool behind your back. All the while you were being faithful to them. It's the ultimate form of selfishness and spitting in someone's face.

 

If you wouldn't have a problem with that, then there really is no love between the two of you.

 

Your living in a fantasy world, if it's not all that bad, just tell your spouse what your doing, and they should understand....right?

[Got it]

No, I mean the drama of lying and sneaking around. You post about his wife, their marriage, the social circle affair. We learned a lot about low self esteem and insecurity in therapy. Are you in therapy? It's great for peeling back the layers and discovering why you're doing what you do. It's not really about cake eating, it's about imagined power over others.

 

Why isn't that also cake eating? Cake eating is simply "having your cake and eating it too". So the OP is definitely fitting that category - right wrong or indifferent.

 

Now the motivations tied to being in the affair may stem from the above but I don't think that negates the OP's original question or identifier.

 

OP - I think cake eating gets a bad wrap because the person is putting their gluttony over the potential well being of other(s). So they are knowingly feasting at the table of having two people while keeping, at least one of the parties, limited to the originally agreed upon monogamy. The OP can get upset by the cake eating because they want the dynamics to change and are butting up against their MP wanting to keep the status quo; replace OP with spouse and same potential issue.

 

So that is why it is an issue though between the affair partners cake eating can be a mutually agreed upon and satisfactory set up.

[gettingstronger]

Why isn't that also cake eating? Cake eating is simply "having your cake and eating it too". So the OP is definitely fitting that category - right wrong or indifferent.

 

Now the motivations tied to being in the affair may stem from the above but I don't think that negates the OP's original question or identifier.

 

OP - I think cake eating gets a bad wrap because the person is putting their gluttony over the potential well being of other(s). So they are knowingly feasting at the table of having two people while keeping, at least one of the parties, limited to the originally agreed upon monogamy. The OP can get upset by the cake eating because they want the dynamics to change and are butting up against their MP wanting to keep the status quo; replace OP with spouse and same potential issue.

 

So that is why it is an issue though between the affair partners cake eating can be a mutually agreed upon and satisfactory set up.

 

I think because when I think of cake-eating I think of being selfish as the defining reason for the affair-"gluttony" so to speak- I get the idea hers is more about low self esteem and insecurity-

Maybe I define it differently because of the unfortunate amount of therapy in my life- over analyzing everything is a by-product of that for sure-"when you say X, do you mean X or do you really mean Y because of X"- Pluses and minuses of therapy right?

[AutumnMoon]

I do not know if you would describe me as having low self-esteem or being insecure if you met me.

I'm really successful financially and professionally, on my own. I think running my household and raising my children has been a great success we are happy the vast majority of the time, always something I worked towards.

My husband works away much more than he is home.

We have small arguments or what I would call debates but we do not really fight anymore ever, I am happy to see him when he comes home he's happy to see me. But I do like a lot of attention and I get very lonely when he is away for a while I think that's how this thing started it's me being lonely.

 

Our kids finding out is really my biggest concern and what I focus most on protecting.

[Got it]

I do not know if you would describe me as having low self-esteem or being insecure if you met me.

I'm really successful financially and professionally, on my own. I think running my household and raising my children has been a great success we are happy the vast majority of the time, always something I worked towards.

My husband works away much more than he is home.

We have small arguments or what I would call debates but we do not really fight anymore ever, I am happy to see him when he comes home he's happy to see me. But I do like a lot of attention and I get very lonely when he is away for a while I think that's how this thing started it's me being lonely.

 

Our kids finding out is really my biggest concern and what I focus most on protecting.

 

OP - you could look at split self affair. The Split-Self Affair ? Dr. Savannah Ellis

[gettingstronger]

I do not know if you would describe me as having low self-esteem or being insecure if you met me.

I'm really successful financially and professionally, on my own. I think running my household and raising my children has been a great success we are happy the vast majority of the time, always something I worked towards.

My husband works away much more than he is home.

We have small arguments or what I would call debates but we do not really fight anymore ever, I am happy to see him when he comes home he's happy to see me. But I do like a lot of attention and I get very lonely when he is away for a while I think that's how this thing started it's me being lonely.

 

Our kids finding out is really my biggest concern and what I focus most on protecting.

 

A little off topic, but have you and your husband talked about the amount of time he's away and its effect on you? My husband traveled a ton and I think he developed two lives long before he had an affair. I think it made it easier, like you alluded to.

[freengreen]

I do not know if you would describe me as having low self-esteem or being insecure if you met me.

I'm really successful financially and professionally, on my own. I think running my household and raising my children has been a great success we are happy the vast majority of the time, always something I worked towards.

My husband works away much more than he is home.

We have small arguments or what I would call debates but we do not really fight anymore ever, I am happy to see him when he comes home he's happy to see me. But I do like a lot of attention and I get very lonely when he is away for a while I think that's how this thing started it's me being lonely.

 

Our kids finding out is really my biggest concern and what I focus most on protecting.

I am not here to judge. I was being the OW in an EA and I totally get it. But one thing, there are many things not perfect around you but you are not helping yourself by gettinginto an A, if you and your AP are leading half lives with each other, how would this feel you any better . Even if you are satisfied at this point of time. It will eventually break your already cracked soul.

 

You know better on your life than any of us. Please take care .

[goodyblue]

The reason I think it is viewed as worse is because at least the people who want the WS to leave want a resolution and don't want to remain forever in a situation where the family has already been blown up, just nobody knows yet, whereas the cake eater is fine just using people and not caring how long the deceit goes on, doesn't care if the BS lives a lie, doesn't care how long the OW hangs on waiting for resolution that will never come.

[imsosad]

The reason I think it is viewed as worse is because at least the people who want the WS to leave want a resolution and don't want to remain forever in a situation where the family has already been blown up, just nobody knows yet, whereas the cake eater is fine just using people and not caring how long the deceit goes on, doesn't care if the BS lives a lie, doesn't care how long the OW hangs on waiting for resolution that will never come.

 

Yes, Goodyblue. Word.

[DKT3]

She claims MM is wanting to walk away from his marriage, but she isn't, so if she cared about him why drag it out knowing they have different goals. She claims protect ting her children is number one, but why risk thier way of living and putting them in danger of losing everything they know? She claims she loves her husband so why do any of it?

 

Thinking giving everyone a little is worth them giving their all, should be the definition of a cake eater

Edited December 9, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
rude~T