Cake Eating

[elaine567]

I believe cake eating to be a narcissistic* trait.

 

"I am so wonderful I deserve two (or more) lovers, and I don't really care about anyone else who may get hurt directly or indirectly, as long as I am happy."

 

*Narcissism = extreme selfishness, with a grandiose view of one's own talents and a craving for admiration, as characterizing a personality type.

[AutumnMoon]

I believe cake eating to be a narcissistic* trait.

 

"I am so wonderful I deserve two (or more) lovers, and I don't really care about anyone else who may get hurt directly or indirectly, as long as I am happy."

 

*Narcissism = extreme selfishness, with a grandiose view of one's own talents and a craving for admiration, as characterizing a personality type.

 

Is it bad that I have looked up narcissism before wondering if that's my problem.

I've been to counselling a lot I do not think that's my issue.

[Quiet Storm]

I think cake eaters are viewed more negatively because it seems like they have no desire to live an authentic life, and don't respect others right to live authentic lives.

 

It's all about appearances for them.

 

They say they love their spouse and don't want to hurt their spouse. Yet they rob their spouses of very important & relevant information. They play the part of husband/wife, while betraying the person they claim to love. They don't usually see a big problem with that. There's no shame until someone finds out and judges them for it.

 

If they do feel bad, they minimize the guilt with rationalizations, such as "Cheating on him isn't as bad as leaving him". There's an attitude of superiority. They know what's best for the spouse.

 

We all deserve to be in control of our lives and do not need our spouse to sanitize our reality.

 

In OPs case, the biggest concern is kids finding out. We all want to protect our kids from the harsh realities of the world. In healthy households, parents try to protect their kids from outside threats, like pedophiles, robbers and opportunists. In healthy households, parents comfort their kids if an outsider, like a bully, hurts them.

 

Cakeeaters say they are protecting their kids, but in reality, they are ones dishing out the pain. This isn't an outsider threatening the security and well being of their child- it's the parent themselves. They continually risk their kids security and future, while telling themselves that they're protecting them.

 

Instead of stopping the hurtful behavior, their solution is to lie, omit and pretend.

 

If you're protecting your family from yourself, then that's pretty much an admission that you are not a good person. While we all have flaws and shortcomings, most people want to evolve and mature over time. We try to be a genuinely good person. It's not about LOOKING like a good wife or a good mom- we actually want to BE a good wife and a good mom.

 

Cakeeaters are OK with being phony. They go to great lengths for long periods of time to protect their family from the truth about their behavior. It's apparent they aren't in a delusional love fog that's completely out of character for them. This is who they really are, and they're OK with that.

 

To others, this appears selfish, controlling and calculated

[William]

Thread reopened after a little clean-up.

 

Aside from our obvious guidelines regarding civility and respect, I'd like to remind that squabbles between posters are best settled visa PM rather then cluttering up a running thread with a private off topic debate. ~T

[vla1120]

Well, I guess I missed that drama from earlier today (luckily). I try not to be judgmental. I suppose I am biased having been cheated on by my ex-husband more than once.

 

I just want to say that regardless of how well you think that you and the OM are hiding the affair, you WILL be found out. Perhaps it will be like it was in my case, where my 5-year-old daughter pointed it out to me. My husband and I were friends with the OW and her husband, as well. Have you thought about how you will handle the accusations when you are found out? My husband and his OW said my child must have misunderstood what she saw with her own eyes. I could never forgive them for putting her in that horrible position. After 32 years, I divorced him, as I suspect your husband or his wife will, when they find out, and again, they WILL find out.

[Southern Sun]

It is just so ironic and absurd to say that you are somehow a better person or a more ethical cheater because you don't want to break up your AP's family. No, you just want to keep everything under cover so you can continue your relationship on the side.

 

You don't want to have to choose. Forget this marriage stuff, forsaking all others. You want it both ways. You want it ALL.

 

But heaven forbid you let your H into this new life arrangement. I mean, this is only YOUR deal. He's not allowed to participate.

 

You are a more courteous cheater. Because you'll never get caught, right? And what they don't know won't hurt them.

 

But let me point out to you that you ARE destroying your AP's family, as well as your own. You are undermining it every minute you are in this affair, and whether or not there's a D-Day, you and he will be responsible for destabilizing and possibly ruining two families. Thinking otherwise because you won't leave your H for him is either completely denying reality or totally passive aggressive. Besides, all bets are off if and when someone else discovers you and takes away your illusion of control.

 

Believing that you are more special than everyone else is the ultimate in selfishness. That is why cake-eating in this context is just so wrong. You do not think you have to hold yourself to the same standard as even your own H.

 

I guarantee that if your BH knew, he would say that he would have preferred you had just divorced him first.

 

You won't be able to walk the line forever.

[Foreverago]

The problem with the cake eaters, is that they, metaphorically, want all the cake to themselves while leaving crumbs for everyone else. The people they supposedly care about starve. In a non-metaphorical way, nothing will be fully 100% because the cheater can't give anyone that. Partners, children, they all end up shorted. Cake eaters don't actually love anyone, not even themselves. They are too greedy to be able to.

[sophinla]

Why is it horrible? I guess I mean why is it deemed worse than being with the person and wanting them to leave their husband or wife and family life..

 

Who doesn't like cake? I'll love me some good cake! Nothing wrong with good cake.

 

What's horrible, is entering into a party with someone on a mutual vow that you are not going to eat any other cake, and that if you really like to eat another cake you'll let your partner know, and then turn around to eat some good cake under the table. Maybe your partner would love him some good cake too? Why is he the only one that 's stuck with a mutual vow, eating the same cake over and over again?

 

Wouldn't it be better to open up or leave your marriage, so everyone can eat cake fairly and honestly?

[Osmium13]

I hate cake. I mean, I hate seeing it every day and not eating it. I just know that there's a right awful belly ache at the end of it. I doubt it wants me to eat it anyway.

 

In fact it's not a cake at all. It's a Ferrari in the window of the dealership that I pass each day and as much as I want it... realistically I'm never going to get my hands on it - I'll just go back to my clapped-out old banger every evening

[AutumnMoon]

It is just so ironic and absurd to say that you are somehow a better person or a more ethical cheater because you don't want to break up your AP's family. No, you just want to keep everything under cover so you can continue your relationship on the side.

 

You don't want to have to choose. Forget this marriage stuff, forsaking all others. You want it both ways. You want it ALL.

 

But heaven forbid you let your H into this new life arrangement. I mean, this is only YOUR deal. He's not allowed to participate.

 

You are a more courteous cheater. Because you'll never get caught, right? And what they don't know won't hurt them.

 

But let me point out to you that you ARE destroying your AP's family, as well as your own. You are undermining it every minute you are in this affair, and whether or not there's a D-Day, you and he will be responsible for destabilizing and possibly ruining two families. Thinking otherwise because you won't leave your H for him is either completely denying reality or totally passive aggressive. Besides, all bets are off if and when someone else discovers you and takes away your illusion of control.

 

Believing that you are more special than everyone else is the ultimate in selfishness. That is why cake-eating in this context is just so wrong. You do not think you have to hold yourself to the same standard as even your own H.

 

I guarantee that if your BH knew, he would say that he would have preferred you had just divorced him first.

 

You won't be able to walk the line forever.

 

 

 

I'm almost laughed at one point.

 

You don't know a damn thing about my husband so you cannot guarantee anything about him. Open marriage has been discussed many times I have let him explore every single sexual urge he has ever had, do not go assuming things because you are very far off.

[AutumnMoon]

I am not saying I am better or worse than anyone else. Just admitting that I'm cake eating because I want my marriage but I also want him.

 

 

I think both of us would be divorced if we hadn't started the affair so at least for the short term it's made our marriage's happier. I am under no illusions that it's good long term but it's not easy to walk away now.

[AutumnMoon]

The problem with the cake eaters, is that they, metaphorically, want all the cake to themselves while leaving crumbs for everyone else. The people they supposedly care about starve. In a non-metaphorical way, nothing will be fully 100% because the cheater can't give anyone that. Partners, children, they all end up shorted. Cake eaters don't actually love anyone, not even themselves. They are too greedy to be able to.

 

I don't know how people continue to make assumptions like that without knowing absolutely anything.

I give my family every ounce of energy I have and the only energy that is given to the affair is when everything else to do with my kids my husband and my family has already been taken care of.

The only time we have ever tried to end it is when we were thinking about each other too much and not staying focused. So you don't even Know what you are talking about regards to my situation

[DKT3]

I don't know how people continue to make assumptions like that without knowing absolutely anything.

I give my family every ounce of energy I have and the only energy that is given to the affair is when everything else to do with my kids my husband and my family has already been taken care of.

The only time we have ever tried to end it is when we were thinking about each other too much and not staying focused. So you don't even Know what you are talking about regards to my situation

 

Wow, your last two posts are unbelievable shallow and full of biased delusion. What your trying to tell us s that this affair saved both of your marriages?

[AutumnMoon]

Who doesn't like cake? I'll love me some good cake! Nothing wrong with good cake.

 

What's horrible, is entering into a party with someone on a mutual vow that you are not going to eat any other cake, and that if you really like to eat another cake you'll let your partner know, and then turn around to eat some good cake under the table. Maybe your partner would love him some good cake too? Why is he the only one that 's stuck with a mutual vow, eating the same cake over and over again?

 

Wouldn't it be better to open up or leave your marriage, so everyone can eat cake fairly and honestly?

 

 

 

I suppose the difference here is that we did not enter into the relationships and that we would not eat any other cake haha! Both me and my husband have explored our sexuality with each other , including once with this very guy.

 

My husband however is very one sided where that's concerned and now thinks the only thing that needs to be added to our relationship is other women. He works away a lot and has joked many times that we have a don't ask don't tell situation going on and me and my friends are well aware he only means on his side .

 

Do I think he's cheating on me ? I can't really say . I Definitely know he's not giving emotional energy or attention to another woman which is where my downfall is the most because I am. I got way more emotional than I needed to be if it stayed sexual would be easy for me to walk away .

 

We have a very good relationship very good family life we have fun when we're together we get along , my kids are happy and healthy I just don't feel bad right now .

 

I don't .

 

My husband knows that I have wants and needs I made it very clear from the beginning and when he ignored it and continue to work away for six weeks at a time thinking that that much physical affection would be enough for me , I stopped bringing it up . I realize that overall we are happy . And if I can get my needs met this way I will .

[AutumnMoon]

Wow, your last two posts are unbelievable shallow and full of biased delusion. What your trying to tell us s that this affair saved both of your marriages?

 

 

 

It's prolonged our marriages.

 

For now. In the short term our needs have been met so we have stayed.

 

Not like I think that will work forever. He's already so disconnected from his wife is been a problem lately, so I think we probably worn out that welcome

[AutumnMoon]

Wow, your last two posts are unbelievable shallow and full of biased delusion. What your trying to tell us s that this affair saved both of your marriages?

 

I am also in a very defensive mood today probably should not be trying to reply to post right now.

[imsosad]

Come on. Next thing you'll be saying that having the affair is actually an act of greatness and sacrifice on your part, as it is contributing greatly to two families.

You dismiss everything that is said to you,claiming we understand nothing. You do know most of us are here because at one time we also had affairs?

If you feel so at peace about your honorable affair, what do you care about a few strangers onlne saying you're a cake eater?

I think something about it does bother you, but you're going to great length to justify it to yourself.

[AutumnMoon]

It's definitely not an act of kindness to anybody but myself and him.

 

I would be the first to admit that I am selfish . nobody that knows me in real life would actually think I was because this is the only place my selfish tendencies have come out.

 

There has been a lot of assumptions here that I somehow am lacking in other areas of my life because of this. When in my specific personal situation it is actually been the opposite, I am much more productive when I know I have somebody to fall back on for emotional support. I guess it would just be interesting to have you guys take a peek at my life I don't think if you knew me you would ever guess in 1 million years that this was my story.

 

It's interesting.

[AutumnMoon]

I do not feel at peace about it. Or I would not read and post here.

 

I think about it a lot and how it's making me emotionally disconnect from my husband because I know I have somebody else. He's doing that to his wife too lately, it's definitely caused problems.

 

Nothing is perfect and this certainly isn't.

[AutumnMoon]

Come on. Next thing you'll be saying that having the affair is actually an act of greatness and sacrifice on your part, as it is contributing greatly to two families.

.

 

That isn't what I said at all. I said we have stayed in our marriages because Our needs were being met, there is absolutely no question that me and my husband, would have discussed divorce in the last two years if I hadn't known that I could get affection and emotional support from this guy when needed. And this guy definitely would have divorced his wife. He still might. But because his needs are currently being met it has for now, prolonged our marriages . For now.

 

Is what it is .

 

It doesn't mean they benefitted our families in the long

[DKT3]

That isn't what I said at all. I said we have stayed in our marriages because Our needs were being met, there is absolutely no question that me and my husband, would have discussed divorce in the last two years if I hadn't known that I could get affection and emotional support from this guy when needed. And this guy definitely would have divorced his wife. He still might. But because his needs are currently being met it has for now, prolonged our marriages . For now.

 

Is what it is .

 

It doesn't mean they benefitted our families in the long

 

There is absolutely no benefits for anyone but you and him in the short or long term. You are fooling yourself if you honestly believe that your family is getting he mother and wife they deserve.

 

Not to mention you contradict yourself a great deal here. Which is a result of your delusional illogical reasoning.

 

Lastly it's impossible for extreme selfishness to only manifest in one area of one's life. In your affair alone its manifested in your role as wife and mother. .

 

You don't get it because of selfishness...yet at some point it will all come crashing down, there will be a price to pay. Best case you end up divorced, worse case you destroy your relationship with your children. Better load up that account because that check your writing will be cashed at some point.

[somanymistakes]

That isn't what I said at all. I said we have stayed in our marriages because Our needs were being met, there is absolutely no question that me and my husband, would have discussed divorce in the last two years if I hadn't known that I could get affection and emotional support from this guy when needed. And this guy definitely would have divorced his wife. He still might. But because his needs are currently being met it has for now, prolonged our marriages . For now.

 

Is what it is .

 

It doesn't mean they benefitted our families in the long

 

Why don't you try moving into an official open / poly situation, then? There are relationships that do it, I have friends who are married and date other people and everyone knows about it, it has its own share of drama but at least nobody is being lied to and it lets them stay together and be happy.

[CommittedToThis]

I do love my husband it's not in the same way but I do love him and I want to raise my kids with him to make him happy and I intend to do that forever right now.

 

ROFLMAO. Let us know how it works out, cake eater.

[Imajerk17]

I'm almost laughed at one point.

 

You don't know a damn thing about my husband so you cannot guarantee anything about him. Open marriage has been discussed many times I have let him explore every single sexual urge he has ever had, do not go assuming things because you are very far off.

 

You keep changing and adding things to your story all the time OP. It's hard to tell reading your threads what is real and what isn't.

 

Sounds to me that you are lying to EVERYONE (not only your husband and children, but also YOURSELF)

[Southern Sun]

I suppose the difference here is that we did not enter into the relationships and that we would not eat any other cake haha! Both me and my husband have explored our sexuality with each other , including once with this very guy.

 

My husband however is very one sided where that's concerned and now thinks the only thing that needs to be added to our relationship is other women. He works away a lot and has joked many times that we have a don't ask don't tell situation going on and me and my friends are well aware he only means on his side .

 

Do I think he's cheating on me ? I can't really say . I Definitely know he's not giving emotional energy or attention to another woman which is where my downfall is the most because I am. I got way more emotional than I needed to be if it stayed sexual would be easy for me to walk away .

 

We have a very good relationship very good family life we have fun when we're together we get along , my kids are happy and healthy I just don't feel bad right now .

 

I don't .

 

My husband knows that I have wants and needs I made it very clear from the beginning and when he ignored it and continue to work away for six weeks at a time thinking that that much physical affection would be enough for me , I stopped bringing it up . I realize that overall we are happy . And if I can get my needs met this way I will .

 

So are you in an open marriage...or not?

 

You said in your reply to me above that you have "discussed open marriage" many times. What does that mean? And yet here you talk about your H possibly cheating on you. If your marriage is open, then he really couldn't be cheating, right? Unless you have certain parameters and he is stepping outside of them.

 

I get the sense that you are throwing all of this at us as justification for your cake-eating. You've "talked about" open marriage. Your husband has "joked" you have a "don't ask-don't tell situation", but only you and your friends are aware he means it's just his side? So all of this is just implied? You are giving us a bunch of excuses. If all of this was true, why wouldn't you have put this in your original post?? If you had an open marriage, why in the heck would you even call your situation "cake-eating"?

 

As you said in another response, you are not at peace, otherwise you wouldn't be posting. This isn't working for you. Yeah, you like the benefits of it, but you are not happy. You might get pleasure from it, but it's temporary. Don't you want to be happy? And I don't mean that in the selfish, entitled cheater sense. I mean that true inner-peace one feels when they know they are living right.