Cake Eating

[AutumnMoon]

Nothing has changed. I've posted about those details before on here.

I'm not going to share everything and am going to of course leave a lot out.

No, we are not in an open marriage, but we've been together a long time and I am very open sexually, and my husband used that to his advantage a lot in the beginning of our relationship. Not that I'm complaining but as time went on he decided he wanted me for him self but wanted to be able to do whatever he wanted when working. He jokes that we have a Don't ask don't tell relationship, that is one sided. Meaning I am not to ask. It's always been a 'joke ' but I've of course wondered, since he has a high sex drive and he is at home and works away for weeks at a time.

 

I have been clear with him that if it was only sexual I would be OK with that . He will then deny that he is ever wanted to do that For real so maybe he's telling the truth.

 

I am doing exactly what I wouldn't want him to do in that I'm having an emotional affair as well as physical. Which is why in the beginning I was very adamant it only be physical and I convinced myself it was for a long time. I lied even to myself

[AutumnMoon]

So are you in an open marriage...or not?

 

You said in your reply to me above that you have "discussed open marriage" many times. What does that mean? And yet here you talk about your H possibly cheating on you. If your marriage is open, then he really couldn't be cheating, right? Unless you have certain parameters and he is stepping outside of them.

 

I get the sense that you are throwing all of this at us as justification for your cake-eating. You've "talked about" open marriage. Your husband has "joked" you have a "don't ask-don't tell situation", but only you and your friends are aware he means it's just his side? So all of this is just implied? You are giving us a bunch of excuses. If all of this was true, why wouldn't you have put this in your original post?? If you had an open marriage, why in the heck would you even call your situation "cake-eating"?

 

As you said in another response, you are not at peace, otherwise you wouldn't be posting. This isn't working for you. Yeah, you like the benefits of it, but you are not happy. You might get pleasure from it, but it's temporary. Don't you want to be happy? And I don't mean that in the selfish, entitled cheater sense. I mean that true inner-peace one feels when they know they are living right.

 

It would be cheating if he was because we have not agreed to open relationship, only talked about it. I tried to explain better above, if it seems like I only share some details at certain times and I didn't in the original post would be because I'm not trying to out who I am here. Thank you. I've posted here for years these things and have all been mentioned before

[FortyandForlorn]

Nothing has changed. I've posted about those details before on here.

I'm not going to share everything and am going to of course leave a lot out.

No, we are not in an open marriage, but we've been together a long time and I am very open sexually, and my husband used that to his advantage a lot in the beginning of our relationship. Not that I'm complaining but as time went on he decided he wanted me for him self but wanted to be able to do whatever he wanted when working. He jokes that we have a Don't ask don't tell relationship, that is one sided. Meaning I am not to ask. It's always been a 'joke ' but I've of course wondered, since he has a high sex drive and he is at home and works away for weeks at a time.

 

I have been clear with him that if it was only sexual I would be OK with that . He will then deny that he is ever wanted to do that For real so maybe he's telling the truth.

 

I am doing exactly what I wouldn't want him to do in that I'm having an emotional affair as well as physical. Which is why in the beginning I was very adamant it only be physical and I convinced myself it was for a long time. I lied even to myself

 

I get what you're saying here because it's similar to my situation with my husband. We're not strictly monogamous but it's not an open marriage. Occasional sex clubs as a couple but no secret getaways with other people. Unfortunately for me and everyone involved, I got swept away with an EA. And that's when I realized that I can't walk in both worlds. Developing a relationship with someone who's not your spouse makes it impossible to be fully committed to your marriage. I had to distance myself altogether and I had to stop lying to myself that we could be friends or even something that was pure physical. Those options are just not realistic. I struggle everyday with moving on and I'm trying to fall in love with my husband again.

 

So no, a cake eater is just a myth.

[LexiCat29]

It would be cheating if he was because we have not agreed to open relationship, only talked about it. I tried to explain better above, if it seems like I only share some details at certain times and I didn't in the original post would be because I'm not trying to out who I am here. Thank you. I've posted here for years these things and have all been mentioned before

 

So if you found out tomorrow that he's having a full blown emotional and physical affair with another woman..you would be upset? Why?

[gettingstronger]

As I recall you are in counseling- if so, what does your counselor say about you being able to justify every action you take? Do they consider cake eating OK or steer you away?

[AutumnMoon]

So if you found out tomorrow that he's having a full blown emotional and physical affair with another woman..you would be upset? Why?

 

Yes I would be hurt because of the broken trust of course. And would hurt because I've opened that line of communication so many times that he knows he could talk to me about anything even feelings for someone else so I would be confused.

 

That said if it was only sexual I would ask again if we could work out an open arrangement but would still be hurt by the lie. If it was emotional too I would need to deal with jealously over that I'm sure.

 

My situation is worse too because it's a very close family friend, very close.

I know that even if he and I both agreed to open situation this guy would be off limits.

[AutumnMoon]

As I recall you are in counseling- if so, what does your counselor say about you being able to justify every action you take? Do they consider cake eating OK or steer you away?

 

Counsellor of course tells me to end it.

[AutumnMoon]

Really for me. I do not try to justify every action. I know it's wrong. I've already

Stated that I've lied to myself a lot about it.

 

Some days I'm much more defensive than others, I can come across very cold I know.

[somanymistakes]

My situation is worse too because it's a very close family friend, very close.

I know that even if he and I both agreed to open situation this guy would be off limits.

 

More likely even if you came clean now that guy would be off-limits because of the history of hiding it. I don't know about all 'open' marriages but with many poly people it's very common for their partners to be good friends, it helps their ability to talk to each other and not feel like they are competing. it's very close family friends who are most likely to join a family as a third as far as I can tell. which wouldn't really be an option for you if hes married too though.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Really for me. I do not try to justify every action. I know it's wrong. I've already

Stated that I've lied to myself a lot about it.

 

Some days I'm much more defensive than others, I can come across very cold I know.

 

I don't really see this as cake eating because you seem to be alone an awful lot. Cake eating is the little man/woman at home with the kids while the WS plays. You come across as unhappy. How many weeks out of the year is your husband away? There are all kinds of ways to break a marriage. Infidelity is just one of them.

 

And yes, my husband and I had those jokes about don't ask, don't tell. He had an affair and so did I. Married people don't say that to each other unless they are doing something they know they shouldn't be doing.

 

If your husband got a job where he came home every night and was home on weekends, would it change things? Is that what you want?

 

I personally would have a big problem with my husband having a job like that. My own career put a huge space between us. After our affairs, I now work at home. I still work all the time, but now I am here.

 

A job can be the other woman/man too.

[AutumnMoon]

I don't really see this as cake eating because you seem to be alone an awful lot. Cake eating is the little man/woman at home with the kids while the WS plays. You come across as unhappy. How many weeks out of the year is your husband away? There are all kinds of ways to break a marriage. Infidelity is just one of them.

 

And yes, my husband and I had those jokes about don't ask, don't tell. He had an affair and so did I. Married people don't say that to each other unless they are doing something they know they shouldn't be doing.

 

If your husband got a job where he came home every night and was home on weekends, would it change things? Is that what you want?

 

I personally would have a big problem with my husband having a job like that. My own career put a huge space between us. After our affairs, I now work at home. I still work all the time, but now I am here.

 

A job can be the other woman/man too.

 

If five years ago he had all the sudden decided to change jobs and then been home more I don't think this if I would've ever started . It was around that time that I had my last child and I begged him to stay home with us . He had already been working away for years and and untip then I was dealing with it fairly well.

I'm still not sure exactly what changed I started to feel very lonely when he would go.

It was around that time that this guy started showing me a lot more attention, we had a lot in common and his wife and my husband would suggest we start spending time together . He started telling me I was beautiful and how he had cared about me for a long time , we had a conversation in the beginning about crossing the line but were very clear that it was to stay sexual, I would say for the first year I convince myself that's all it was . I know I was lying to myself because he wouldn't tell me how beautiful I was every day how much she admired me as a mother if it was only sexual. Very quickly spun out of control into much more.

 

Both of our marriages actually started to appear happier on the outside , because our needs were being met.

 

The longest stretch my husband is home at a time is usually about two weeks . Some times it's only a week. He still contacts me and the kids every day we video chat we phone call and he gives us a lot of quality time when he's actually at home .

 

At this point even if he got a new job and stayed home I don't know if I could let this other guy go

[AutumnMoon]

I run our household I take care of our finances I take care of our children . Transfers money into our account and I deal with everything to do with our lives when he's home he rests , and spends time with me and the kids. My husband would tell people we have the perfect family.

 

Not unhappy but I am very lonely. Even with both of them sometimes I feel lonely because I don't really have either one, right?

 

But I'm the kind of person who keeps very busy I work two jobs I have four kids, I work out daily, volunteer... and juggle two men I guess. I keep busy and if you were on the outside looking in you would ask me how I do it ! Because I seem put together and happy all of the time.

 

Things are definitely not always as they seem .

[LexiCat29]

Yes I would be hurt because of the broken trust of course. And would hurt because I've opened that line of communication so many times that he knows he could talk to me about anything even feelings for someone else so I would be confused.

 

That said if it was only sexual I would ask again if we could work out an open arrangement but would still be hurt by the lie. If it was emotional too I would need to deal with jealously over that I'm sure.

 

My situation is worse too because it's a very close family friend, very close.

I know that even if he and I both agreed to open situation this guy would be off limits.

 

So your husband is fully aware of the sexual and emotional affair you've got going on with your supposed friends husband?

[Chica80]

I run our household I take care of our finances I take care of our children . Transfers money into our account and I deal with everything to do with our lives when he's home he rests , and spends time with me and the kids. My husband would tell people we have the perfect family.

 

Not unhappy but I am very lonely. Even with both of them sometimes I feel lonely because I don't really have either one, right?

 

But I'm the kind of person who keeps very busy I work two jobs I have four kids, I work out daily, volunteer... and juggle two men I guess. I keep busy and if you were on the outside looking in you would ask me how I do it ! Because I seem put together and happy all of the time.

 

Things are definitely not always as they seem .

 

Autumn....not that there's ever a reaon or justification for A. But í can see understand why they happen.

It just takes the perfect mix or combo. And then all of a sudden you are drowning trying to stay afloat when all you were doing is getting your feet wet.

 

What is the end game? What happens if you get discovered. What is it you ulitametely want?

 

I ask myself these same questions.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I run our household I take care of our finances I take care of our children . Transfers money into our account and I deal with everything to do with our lives when he's home he rests , and spends time with me and the kids. My husband would tell people we have the perfect family.

 

Not unhappy but I am very lonely. Even with both of them sometimes I feel lonely because I don't really have either one, right?

 

But I'm the kind of person who keeps very busy I work two jobs I have four kids, I work out daily, volunteer... and juggle two men I guess. I keep busy and if you were on the outside looking in you would ask me how I do it ! Because I seem put together and happy all of the time.

 

Things are definitely not always as they seem .

 

It's not much of a happy life, no. I get that it seems to meet your needs for the present and your husband is able to get his needs met as well. I would bet money he has something of his own on the side because your relationship cannot be meeting his needs. Not meaning to hurt you. But men do have emotional needs as well so it's just unusual unless he is truly the free spirit type.

 

In any event, your marriage is not fitting your needs. Even if your husband is being faithful, he's happy and you are not.

 

Here is what will happen - years will pass, your best years are being spent in two worlds with neither one really what you want. You are passing time. One day the guy's wife will find out and he will totally ghost you, as they all do. And you will be alone and devastated. The guy is not going to leave. Your husband might though, or maybe not, but he is not giving you what you want anyway. You will be older and alone, literally or figuratively.

 

As a woman in her 40s, I am just giving you my observation. If you are not getting the relationship you want in your marriage, fix it or move on. Do it now, not in 5 or 10 more years. Do you really want this life? It only gets harder to meet someone.

 

Your husband has to be aware your relationship is not the norm and cannot be meeting your needs. You should tell him straight up you are getting your needs met by another man. Give him the opportunity to fix it or f*ck it. Or he may be like, that is okay, I am doing the same. Or he will freak out, quit his job and change everything.

[Southern Sun]

I don't really see this as cake eating because you seem to be alone an awful lot. Cake eating is the little man/woman at home with the kids while the WS plays.

 

No. Cake-eating is wanting to have it both ways - the safety of the marriage and the pleasure of the affair. It's not this tidy little definition. Just because her husband treats her poorly does not suddenly entitle her to an affair or make it any prettier. She is still eating cake because she is not making a decision. She is coasting along in both her affair and her marriage.

 

I run our household I take care of our finances I take care of our children . Transfers money into our account and I deal with everything to do with our lives when he's home he rests , and spends time with me and the kids. My husband would tell people we have the perfect family.

 

Not unhappy but I am very lonely. Even with both of them sometimes I feel lonely because I don't really have either one, right?

 

But I'm the kind of person who keeps very busy I work two jobs I have four kids, I work out daily, volunteer... and juggle two men I guess. I keep busy and if you were on the outside looking in you would ask me how I do it ! Because I seem put together and happy all of the time.

 

Things are definitely not always as they seem .

 

I was never lonelier than when I was cheating. It's a true irony. You grab for more than your allotment and end up with less. What you said is true - you are in two "relationships" but don't truly have either. It's the saddest place in the world. Again, you cannot have it both ways. This is your problem. Your only way out is by making a choice.

[AutumnMoon]

So your husband is fully aware of the sexual and emotional affair you've got going on with your supposed friends husband?

 

No, not at all.

[wmacbride]

I don't know how people continue to make assumptions like that without knowing absolutely anything.

I give my family every ounce of energy I have and the only energy that is given to the affair is when everything else to do with my kids my husband and my family has already been taken care of.

The only time we have ever tried to end it is when we were thinking about each other too much and not staying focused. So you don't even Know what you are talking about regards to my situation

 

When I read posts like this , written by a man or woman in an affair, it always makes me shake my head.

 

You love your children,want them to have a stable home life, don't want to hurt them,yet you are making a completely conscious and well thought out effort that could cause all of that to implode.

 

You are also putting their mother's mental and physical health a risk . You assume your om isn't sleeping with anyone else, but how do you know that?If he's cheating with you,who else is he cheating with?

 

You also talk about how your H is in to the concept if sexual exploration,etc. as if to imply he'd be okay with you cheating. Obviously, even you know that is a crock, as if you really believed that, you would be honest with him.

 

What it boils down to is you are asking your husband,your om's wife and your collective children to pay the price for your comfort, security and ergo feeds. you might think that's a perfectly fair arrangement, but I really wonder what any of them would have to say if they knew what you are doing. If you're okay with putting them all at risk, then say so, but don't pretend this is some sort of noble act on your part.

[malvern99]

About cake eating... we can pick the game we want to play in life, but we can not change the rules unilaterally OP. You picked M, but changed the rules to the game in secret. You get the thrill of the A and the stability of the M, while as far as you know, your BH only gets the M.

 

What exactly are you looking for OP? I'd wager even you can't rationalize what you're doing to your family. You say you know what you are doing is soul destroying, yet you keep on trucking. Like someone else asked, what is your end game here? How does your situation resolve itself perfectly in your eyes?

[freengreen]

When I look at it now, I was more stressed IN the affair, than I was before it. I had issues with H , I got drawn into an deep EA but surprisingly all pain multiplied!.. 2 men 2 egos, and one of them showing what I want to see.

 

I am out 6 weeks now, all my issues still there. Affair solved nothing. What it changed is that it broke ME. Now I have to pick myself AND the issues.

 

Are you sure its all worth Autumn, I wont judge but I hope you find an answer that is good for you and peoppe who trust you.

 

Takecare.

[DKT3]

About cake eating... we can pick the game we want to play in life, but we can not change the rules unilaterally OP. You picked M, but changed the rules to the game in secret. You get the thrill of the A and the stability of the M, while as far as you know, your BH only gets the M.

 

What exactly are you looking for OP? I'd wager even you can't rationalize what you're doing to your family. You say you know what you are doing is soul destroying, yet you keep on trucking. Like someone else asked, what is your end game here? How does your situation resolve itself perfectly in your eyes?

 

In my opinion, I think she won't allow herself to see the big picture or end game. Were i a betting man I would let it all ride on her wanting to dump hubby in a road side ditch and ride off with MM. Now two problems 1) no matter what she says I believe she fears MM isn't on the same page with that plan, even though she claims he would be, MM say a lot of sh#t they don't mean 2) I believe she enjoys the image of being a "happily married couple" and running off would change the way people view her.

 

This is clear by comments like "I plan to stay married forever right now" and "I love my husband but not in the same way"

 

My heart really goes out to her husband, poor guy.

[vla1120]

I just want to know your game plan when you are discovered. What will you tell your children, especially if they are the ones to discover the deceit? You continue as though this is normal, acceptable behavior and no one is being hurt -

on the contrary, you act as though your marriages are both better for it. Come back and let everyone know how it goes on D-Day, OP.

[Jemima1234]

Autumn moon - how often do you see this other man? How often do you have contact? Is it only when your husband is away?

 

You seem to compartmentalise very well- I could do that too to be honest but am now broken hearted by my whole situation

[LexiCat29]

No, not at all.

 

I guess I don't really understand why it's ok for you to do this but not him...it seems beyond hypocritical to me that you think you'd have any right to be angry at him for doing exactly what you're doing.

 

Do you think he's going to be ok with it when he finds out?

[MidnightBlue1980]

In my opinion, I think she won't allow herself to see the big picture or end game. Were i a betting man I would let it all ride on her wanting to dump hubby in a road side ditch and ride off with MM. Now two problems 1) no matter what she says I believe she fears MM isn't on the same page with that plan, even though she claims he would be, MM say a lot of sh#t they don't mean 2) I believe she enjoys the image of being a "happily married couple" and running off would change the way people view her.

 

This is clear by comments like "I plan to stay married forever right now" and "I love my husband but not in the same way"

 

My heart really goes out to her husband, poor guy.

 

Poor guy? Come on now. He's barely home. She asked him to change his job situation for years and he didn't care. He's gone for 6 weeks at a time. I doubt he's a superhero, off saving the world. He could have switched jobs to be home like a regular person.

 

Plus he said about don't ask, don't tell - for him only of course. Post 51.

Edited December 13, 2016 by MidnightBlue1980