Cake Eating

[DKT3]

Poor guy? Come on now. He's barely home. She asked him to change his job situation for years and he didn't care. He's gone for 6 weeks at a time. I doubt he's a superhero, off saving the world. He could have switched jobs to be home like a regular person.

 

Plus he said about don't ask, don't tell - for him only of course. Post 51.

 

She could stop banging his buddy....

 

Since when is working an excuse to have an affair? It would be one thing were he hanging out at strip clubs instead. Op admitted her husband makes a great deal of effort to stay in contact with both her and the kids, she admitted that his time with them is quality times. His repayment? Her having an affair..yes poor guy has no clue who he is really married to.

[malvern99]

Poor guy? Come on now. He's barely home. She asked him to change his job situation for years and he didn't care. He's gone for 6 weeks at a time. I doubt he's a superhero, off saving the world. He could have switched jobs to be home like a regular person.

 

Plus he said about don't ask, don't tell - for him only of course. Post 51.

 

If she really had a problem with him being away for long stretches of time, she'd have either made him the quit the job or she'd have ended the M honestly rather than ending it via an A. Pinning her A on this is just rationalization that justifies bad behavior.

 

Does OP believe her BH is also cheating? What does she base that belief on? She ought to be careful she's not projecting her own bad behavior onto him in order to make herself feel better.

[Jersey born raised]

I just want to know your game plan when you are discovered. What will you tell your children, especially if they are the ones to discover the deceit? You continue as though this is normal, acceptable behavior and no one is being hurt -

on the contrary, you act as though your marriages are both better for it. Come back and let everyone know how it goes on D-Day, OP.

 

I have proposed that question several times over the years (not with that tone) and have never gotten a response from either gender.

[DKT3]

I have proposed that question several times over the years (not with that tone) and have never gotten a response from either gender.

 

They never have one outside of not getting caught

[MidnightBlue1980]

She could stop banging his buddy....

 

Since when is working an excuse to have an affair? It would be one thing were he hanging out at strip clubs instead. Op admitted her husband makes a great deal of effort to stay in contact with both her and the kids, she admitted that his time with them is quality times. His repayment? Her having an affair..yes poor guy has no clue who he is really married to.

 

I'm not saying it's an excuse or that OP is doing a healthy thing for herself whatsoever. Obviously after my experience I do not advocate affairs and I feel bad for her, she's in for a mountain of pain.

 

I'm just saying let's not make the guy a saint. This affair is not happening in a vacuum. No, working is not an excuse but it can be used to escape a marriage. Yes, she should have just ended the marriage but come on, skyping does not a marriage make. Maybe the guy is in Iraq, I don't know. But if he is some consultant, there are jobs at home. He cannot be gone for most of the marriage and think that is normal. She told him she was unhappy, she asked him to stop traveling.

 

Maybe this hits too close to home for you and I respect that. But listen, I also worked 70 hours a week and was never home. It's my fault - I did not give my husband attention that he needed - for years, just like OP did not get. I shoulder part of the blame for his affair. That is just my opinion. I respect you do not agree with it.

 

He told her he wants to do what he wants to do when he travels. You think that is okay, somehow the same rules don't apply to him?

[Southern Sun]

I don't necessarily question whether OP's husband is his own brand of jerk. He may well be. But two wrongs don't add up to "right."

 

We won't get anywhere by sitting around stubbornly pointing our fingers at the other one and saying, "But HE did THAT." Arms crossed. "I only cheated because..."

 

We have to take responsibility for our own actions. You no longer get the privilege of having taken the moral high ground, now that you've responded to his behavior with your own bad behavior. You did your own deeds. He could say things about you and they would be the truth. I am not judging; I did the same things. It's just that blameshifting won't get you anywhere. Maybe that's it though; you are fine the way things are. Except I don't really think that's the truth.

 

I wonder why you want to stay in your marriage when you are so unhappy?

[LexiCat29]

Poor guy? Come on now. He's barely home. She asked him to change his job situation for years and he didn't care. He's gone for 6 weeks at a time. I doubt he's a superhero, off saving the world. He could have switched jobs to be home like a regular person.

 

Plus he said about don't ask, don't tell - for him only of course. Post 51.

 

She also said that he would NOT be ok with her banging THIS particular guy. So...yeah...if she's telling the truth about don't ask, don't tell, the don't ask don't tell policy is negated by the fact that she's knowingly and deliberately doing something (or someONE) that she knows will hurt him and their kids. Because lets be real here, if they are good friends of the family then their kids probably know and like the guy.

 

At least if she was doing someone nobody knew she could use the don't ask, don't tell as an excuse. In this case, she cannot. She's 100% in the wrong and her life is eventually going to blow up because of it. As is his, as are their spouses and childrens..and that's the most unfair part of it all.

 

You're lonely and your husband says it's ok to sleep around? Fine, do it. But don't poop where you eat.

[AutumnMoon]

The guy is not going to ghost me.

Maybe I haven't been clear on that but it's him who would like to end up with me , me who thinks that that is unrealistic because of our children.

He sold his house and changed his job in order to live next to me. I have had to ask him to settle down numerous times in this so again drop the assumptions. Not every situation follows the same pattern.

 

I do agree with a lot of the last posts.

I've said a few times this is working right now and in the present things appear good , but I don't know that It can last forever even if I want to. Nothing does right?

Already unravelling because he is not being intimate with his wife anymore. They don't have a completely sexless marriage but I read somewhere that 10 times a year is considered sexless. if that's true then I guess it is. And that is only been in the last six months . without balance nothing can last .

 

I just want it to stay how it was.

[AutumnMoon]

I don't think my husband Is cheating.

It has crossed my mind but knowing him it would probably only be sexual. I am about the only person he emotionally connects with, he does call me a lot and we have a lot of talks, he has a lot of friends a lot of acquaintances probably a lot more than the average person is a social butterfly but he doesn't have an emotional connection to those people it's all very superficial .

 

I'm the one , he always says that. He's always go go go though everything is going to be on his time by his rules . He's a great guy and I've always just made things happen for him The way he wants.

I think maybe it's a hard to explain our relationship. Without giving out too many details ! It's not like I would totally be OK and have absolutely no jealousy if he was sleeping with other people I've never said that I wasn't trying to use that to justify what I'm doing . I'm saying I could definitely learn to share him especially if it was only sexual relationships and knowing him that would be the kind he wanted if he wanted any at all. But an emotional affair would hurt my feelings because I want that from him I am willing to give that to him I have a lot of love to give and get he always says he doesn't need much and that is why he was able to work away a lot. Yes if I found out he was getting it from somebody else while I was offering it it would hurt . If you want to take that as being hypocritical you can. Of course it is because of what I'm doing. I guess you can't help how you feel .

[MidnightBlue1980]

She also said that he would NOT be ok with her banging THIS particular guy. So...yeah...if she's telling the truth about don't ask, don't tell, the don't ask don't tell policy is negated by the fact that she's knowingly and deliberately doing something (or someONE) that she knows will hurt him and their kids. Because lets be real here, if they are good friends of the family then their kids probably know and like the guy.

 

At least if she was doing someone nobody knew she could use the don't ask, don't tell as an excuse. In this case, she cannot. She's 100% in the wrong and her life is eventually going to blow up because of it. As is his, as are their spouses and childrens..and that's the most unfair part of it all.

 

You're lonely and your husband says it's ok to sleep around? Fine, do it. But don't poop where you eat.

 

I agree about the kids part completely and a neighbor sounds like a mess.

 

I guess you don't see what I'm saying. I'm not defending affairs in any way. If you knew me here, you'd know that.

 

Anyway it sounds like the guy is the exception to the rule and is going to end up with her, so what do I know.

 

I'm out.

[AutumnMoon]

Don't know how to respond to all.

 

I'm not 'so unhappy'

I'm pretty happy the majority of the time. I feel content now most of the time if I do compartmentaliz it.

 

We do not meet when he's home.

We meet at least once a month alone. It's been much more than that , there have been longer stretches where we haven't at all.

Sometimes we talk every day for a while other times we will go a week without.

When I say talking on the phone or texting ..

Because they live next-door we actually share a yard. Just small field between houses. So we see each other every day but not always in that mode.

 

We have two different relationships.

 

My kids would never see, have never been in the vicinity of anything.

 

My husband is not a saint or a jerk.

 

I don't think I would've ever got into it without being in the situation I was in however I take full responsibility for what I'm doing and do not blame anybody else .

 

If we got caught I will do what I could to keep both in my life in some facet as at least friends.. That's my first reaction, even if illogical.

I care about both very much but in very different ways . Because of the lies I would likely get a divorce and if that was the case good thing I work because I have my own money and I would be OK . Therapy for my kids.

[AutumnMoon]

I'm in the wrong I know that.

IF we never get caught, who's really hurt. Even if illogical I really do still think that. I can't help it.

I want him to fix his relationship and just things stay as they are.

[AutumnMoon]

When things started I started counselling again, because I felt totally addicted. I had issues in my past and I just knew it was wrong but couldn't stop.

Tried to keep it sexual as if that made it better.

Now I don't want to stop.

[jah526]

IF we never get caught, who's really hurt.

 

I have a little story that made me think differently about this. I spent the better part of a day a few months ago with this guy. We were supposed to be doing activity X (in public), and we did, but then we ended up back at my place. Spent several hours at my place, in fact. And I kept thinking, "when's he going to jump up and leave" (as had happened previously). Not going to lie - I really enjoyed the slowness of it, having him there for that long.

 

But in the middle of it, I was thinking, he should be with his little family. HE IS STEALING TIME FROM THEM. Time that he should be putting into growing and nurturing his family.

[Fair]

Apparently you haven't considered his wife in all this, which is why you don't consider your "cake eating" as you call it, bad. How do you think she'd feel if she found out???? Doesn't matter to you, does it? Looks like you're the answer to your own question.

 

You say you don't want to break up any families... how virtuous of you. puh-lease. I'm betting his wife's instincts are screaming something is going on, but honestly... what do you care? You can't cloak this kind of selfishness in robes of virtue. It IS cake eating and greedy and a desire for power/control. Sorry. I call 'em as I see 'em.

Edited December 14, 2016 by Fair

[CommittedToThis]

IF we never get caught, who's really hurt.

 

If you never get caught embezzling money from your employer, who's really hurt?

 

Obviously your employer is hurt. They are operating a business based on the trust of their employees, one where everyone is rewarded for success, and you've violated that trust. They are running a business based on faulty data due to your dishonesty and therefore cannot make the best decisions for the business.

 

Think of your loved ones the same way; they can't truly live a real, honest life if they are making decisions based on faulty data provided by you.

 

It's not fair and this kind of deception, in my opinion, is karma-level stuff.

[gettingstronger]

I'm trying to follow all of this:

 

Your AP is crazy about you and wants you full time

Your husband is also crazy about you and isn't the cheating type

You have 4 great kids

Although he's away a lot, your husband is good to you and the kids

Your friends think you're awesome, have it together and would never suspect you're cheating

You'll never get caught

You don't have low self esteem

 

Yet you're lonely and unfulfilled without the company of a friends husband. Is it possible you're insanely jealous of your friend and/or ultra competitive with other women? Not a cake eater but jealous and competitive?

[aileD]

You will get caught. And you will get caught hard and you will lose things you never thought you'd lose and you'll regret every second of it.

 

 

Some popes just have to learn via the school of hard knocks which sucks for their children

[Birdies]

You guys live right next to each other, he's mostly stopped being intimate with his wife, and he wants to be with you for realsies? Oh girl this is going to blow up in your face! Be prepared for everything to come crashing down. It's bad enough when it's just the people in the marriage - I can't imagine how bad it'd be with kids too :/

[Fair]

 

Your AP is crazy about you and wants you full time

Your husband is also crazy about you and isn't the cheating type

You have 4 great kids

Although he's away a lot, your husband is good to you and the kids

Your friends think you're awesome, have it together and would never suspect you're cheating

You'll never get caught

You don't have low self esteem

 

I didn't bother to read this whole thread because this affair b.s is such a tired topic, but this posters comment struck me. did you really say all this?

If so, I saw a facebook post that applies to you. It goes: "That first step off your high horse is going to be a b*tch honey. Tuck and roll."

[AutumnMoon]

I'm trying to follow all of this:

 

Your AP is crazy about you and wants you full time

Your husband is also crazy about you and isn't the cheating type

You have 4 great kids

Although he's away a lot, your husband is good to you and the kids

Your friends think you're awesome, have it together and would never suspect you're cheating

You'll never get caught

You don't have low self esteem

 

Yet you're lonely and unfulfilled without the company of a friends husband. Is it possible you're insanely jealous of your friend and/or ultra competitive with other women? Not a cake eater but jealous and competitive?

 

 

 

I've never said we won't get caught. We've never come close to yet because we don't do anything risky anymore. It's been a long term affair I doubt suddenly tomorrow it's going to be outted.

 

My husband is no saint and also not a jerk as been thrown around. He's gone a lot, he provides well, he's a great guy, not winning any awards as husband or father. I try to call him once a day so kids talk to him as often as possible. I have tried to describe him before without getting into to much – I'm not going to do that because it'll just come across as bashing my husband, but he's not going to be winning father of the year anytime soon . When he comes home he is basically on vacation. He believes a mother raises the kids. He's a great guy very hard to deal with the **** sometimes, he should have been in the prime years of his life 1950. That's how he would have loved to live.

 

AP tells me he's crazy about me sure. I'm about him too.

 

I have pretty good self esteem but yes I'm lonely. Don't think those two are exclusive.

[BoaConstrictor]

I have a little story that made me think differently about this. I spent the better part of a day a few months ago with this guy. We were supposed to be doing activity X (in public), and we did, but then we ended up back at my place. Spent several hours at my place, in fact. And I kept thinking, "when's he going to jump up and leave" (as had happened previously). Not going to lie - I really enjoyed the slowness of it, having him there for that long.

 

But in the middle of it, I was thinking, he should be with his little family. HE IS STEALING TIME FROM THEM. Time that he should be putting into growing and nurturing his family.

 

This really resonated with me, as someone who recently went NC after a short but intense EA. I noticed that the OM (who is single) would often say to me online, "Family first. Stop talking to me and go be with your family." And he's totally right. I can rationalize till the cows come home that our chatting was benign, but clearly the amount of time I have as wife and mother is finite. I frankly don't have the time to maintain two significant relationships, especially because, unlike the OP, my husband is home every night.

 

OP, I really relate to the mental trap of cake eating. My mind still gravitates to it, because it's easier than accepting that you have to make choices in life. In my case, my husband found out early, which ended up being good. It had to end, because he wasn't interested in an open marriage -- I mean, who would be in that case? It would be totally unfair to him.

 

Regardless it has been so, so hard, because OM made me feel things I hadn't felt in a long time. I want both him and my husband, but the only person who benefits from that arrangement is me. It's totally selfish and narcissistic. Husband doesn't get all of me, and OM only gets scraps. For a while he might have been okay with the scraps, but he was pretty honest with me that he wanted all of me eventually. He wanted more than I could give.

 

In an "ideal" world, would I have loved to keep my EA going? Sure, mainly because ending it is terribly painful. I ache every day. It's terrible but I know it's for the best, not just for my marriage but also for the OM.

[DKT3]

I've never said we won't get caught. We've never come close to yet because we don't do anything risky anymore. It's been a long term affair I doubt suddenly tomorrow it's going to be outted.

 

My husband is no saint and also not a jerk as been thrown around. He's gone a lot, he provides well, he's a great guy, not winning any awards as husband or father. I try to call him once a day so kids talk to him as often as possible. I have tried to describe him before without getting into to much – I'm not going to do that because it'll just come across as bashing my husband, but he's not going to be winning father of the year anytime soon . When he comes home he is basically on vacation. He believes a mother raises the kids. He's a great guy very hard to deal with the **** sometimes, he should have been in the prime years of his life 1950. That's how he would have loved to live.

 

AP tells me he's crazy about me sure. I'm about him too.

 

I have pretty good self esteem but yes I'm lonely. Don't think those two are exclusive.

 

Your story is literally all over the place, in one post you say he is a good father and spends quality time with you and the kids in the next you say he isn't winning any awards. I understand whats going on, it's all part of you justifying your affair in a way that minimizes your personal responsibility and the pain it will cause, giving you that ole blameshifting way out, if you had done this or said that then I would not have happened. But its really hard to follow because your story seems to morph to fit a particular line of questioning, it just feels like your attempting to manipulate us here.

 

Good luck to you.

Edited December 14, 2016 by DKT3

[AutumnMoon]

Your story is literally all over the place, in one post you say he is a good father and spends quality time with you and the kids in the next you say he isn't winning any awards. I understand whats going on, it's all part of you justifying your affair in a way that minimizes your personal responsibility and the pain it will cause, giving you that ole blameshifting way out, if you had done this or said that then I would not have happened. But its really hard to follow because your story seems to morph to fit a particular line of questioning, it just feels like your attempting to manipulate us here.

 

Good luck to you.

 

ok then

 

Actually just reality that no person is perfect.

 

I never at all said anything about quality time, someone else used that phrase. I think you actually.

 

I said when he comes home he relaxes.

I've also said in past posts that a big reason I would never want to divorce is that the little time they spend with him would be even less.

 

He's not a jerk, he's not a saint either. Simple. Not using that to justify anything.

[LexiCat29]

ok then

 

Actually just reality that no person is perfect.

 

I never at all said anything about quality time, someone else used that phrase. I think you actually.

 

I said when he comes home he relaxes.

I've also said in past posts that a big reason I would never want to divorce is that the little time they spend with him would be even less.

 

He's not a jerk, he's not a saint either. Simple. Not using that to justify anything.

 

Actually in many cases the opposite is true. If you share custody of the kids then he is forced to spend more time with them because he doesn't have you to rely on as the primary care giver when he's around.