Cora Posted December 8, 2016 Share Posted December 8, 2016 Sometimes I feel like my best days have passed me by. Ever since I was a little girl I have dreamt of being a mother. The whole meeting the man of your dreams and getting married part is nice too, but actually having a family of my own is what really appeals to me. However, with each year that passes, it seems more and more unattainable. Like all it will ever be is just a dream and nothing more. I have recently accepted the fact that it may never happen for me, but it still makes me sad. Especially when everyone around me has kids or are having kids. Most younger than me. I'm a single, never married, no kids 34 year old. I cringe just saying that. I understand 34 isn't too old....I just don't want to be 40 and pregnant with my first child. I'm not even dating anyone so there aren't any prospects either. I wonder sometimes if I should just give up altogether, settle or hold out hope for something that may never come along? In the grand scheme of things it seems silly to think about, selfish even. Considering how so many people have such bigger problems in life. And maybe this is the universe telling me I really wouldn't make a great mother afterall. So perhaps I should be thankful for that. Anyway, this is just me babbling on. Anyone can relate? Thought?... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JustGettingBy Posted December 8, 2016 Share Posted December 8, 2016 25. Only one date in my life, set up by friends. Sure, I'm younger than you, but well in my way to being in your situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted December 8, 2016 Share Posted December 8, 2016 Sometimes I feel like my best days have passed me by. Ever since I was a little girl I have dreamt of being a mother. The whole meeting the man of your dreams and getting married part is nice too, but actually having a family of my own is what really appeals to me. However, with each year that passes, it seems more and more unattainable. Like all it will ever be is just a dream and nothing more. I have recently accepted the fact that it may never happen for me, but it still makes me sad. Especially when everyone around me has kids or are having kids. Most younger than me. I'm a single, never married, no kids 34 year old. I cringe just saying that. I understand 34 isn't too old....I just don't want to be 40 and pregnant with my first child. I'm not even dating anyone so there aren't any prospects either. I wonder sometimes if I should just give up altogether, settle or hold out hope for something that may never come along? In the grand scheme of things it seems silly to think about, selfish even. Considering how so many people have such bigger problems in life. And maybe this is the universe telling me I really wouldn't make a great mother afterall. So perhaps I should be thankful for that. Anyway, this is just me babbling on. Anyone can relate? Thought?... Is adoption something you would ever consider? The sentiment of meeting someone you love enough to procreate with and build a family life with is a nice one, but as your post illustrates, for some women, the partner aspect is secondary to having children; a means to an end, if you will. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted December 8, 2016 Share Posted December 8, 2016 Hi Cora, Sorry you're feeling this way. Is there a reason you are against having your first child at 40, if it happens that way? If your desire for biological children is strong, I would strongly recommend that you freeze your eggs within the next few years, that way it takes the time pressure off you. Otherwise, consider adoption as the poster above suggested. Alternatively, if you really want biological children now and are able to single-handedly support them, would you consider getting a sperm donor and being a single mother? Link to post Share on other sites
JuneJulySeptember Posted December 8, 2016 Share Posted December 8, 2016 Sometimes I feel like my best days have passed me by. Ever since I was a little girl I have dreamt of being a mother. The whole meeting the man of your dreams and getting married part is nice too, but actually having a family of my own is what really appeals to me. However, with each year that passes, it seems more and more unattainable. Like all it will ever be is just a dream and nothing more. I have recently accepted the fact that it may never happen for me, but it still makes me sad. Especially when everyone around me has kids or are having kids. Most younger than me. I'm a single, never married, no kids 34 year old. I cringe just saying that. I understand 34 isn't too old....I just don't want to be 40 and pregnant with my first child. I'm not even dating anyone so there aren't any prospects either. I wonder sometimes if I should just give up altogether, settle or hold out hope for something that may never come along? In the grand scheme of things it seems silly to think about, selfish even. Considering how so many people have such bigger problems in life. And maybe this is the universe telling me I really wouldn't make a great mother afterall. So perhaps I should be thankful for that. Anyway, this is just me babbling on. Anyone can relate? Thought?... All/many of my friends having kids has turned me off to the idea even more than I was before. They never get to go out, they never get any sleep, and between extra bedrooms and day care, it's a monstrous expense. But it's the greatest joy in the world, and I'll be forever miserable if I don't have kids ... so my mother keeps telling me. I mean, honestly, you're not that old at all. Give it several more years. If not, then think of adoption. Most women wouldn't do that. They pick the guy at the time who is closest when they are about age 40 or just over, and choose him. I think that's a worse idea. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted December 8, 2016 Share Posted December 8, 2016 All/many of my friends having kids has turned me off to the idea even more than I was before. They never get to go out, they never get any sleep, and between extra bedrooms and day care, it's a monstrous expense. But it's the greatest joy in the world, and I'll be forever miserable if I don't have kids ... so my mother keeps telling me. It's the greatest joy in the world for people who strongly desire it, and a pain in the ass to people who don't. I've never agreed with people trying to convince childfree folks to have kids, why should it be acceptable the other way around? If the OP wants kids then she wants kids, it's not our prerogative to try and convince her to change her mind. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
JuneJulySeptember Posted December 8, 2016 Share Posted December 8, 2016 It's the greatest joy in the world for people who strongly desire it, and a pain in the ass to people who don't. I've never agreed with people trying to convince childfree folks to have kids, why should it be acceptable the other way around? If the OP wants kids then she wants kids, it's not our prerogative to try and convince her to change her mind. I wasn't trying to convince anyone of anything. I mean, why would you leave off my last sentence where I told her to keep trying and/or consider adoption? You miss the arguments we used to have? I don't... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Alamo657 Posted December 8, 2016 Share Posted December 8, 2016 Sometimes I feel like my best days have passed me by. Ever since I was a little girl I have dreamt of being a mother. The whole meeting the man of your dreams and getting married part is nice too, but actually having a family of my own is what really appeals to me. However, with each year that passes, it seems more and more unattainable. Like all it will ever be is just a dream and nothing more. I have recently accepted the fact that it may never happen for me, but it still makes me sad. Especially when everyone around me has kids or are having kids. Most younger than me. I'm a single, never married, no kids 34 year old. I cringe just saying that. I understand 34 isn't too old....I just don't want to be 40 and pregnant with my first child. I'm not even dating anyone so there aren't any prospects either. I wonder sometimes if I should just give up altogether, settle or hold out hope for something that may never come along? In the grand scheme of things it seems silly to think about, selfish even. Considering how so many people have such bigger problems in life. And maybe this is the universe telling me I really wouldn't make a great mother afterall. So perhaps I should be thankful for that. Anyway, this is just me babbling on. Anyone can relate? Thought?... It's your biological clock warning you that at your age, most men and women are already in families with babies, and those that aren't are either not looking for it, or unfit for it. Link to post Share on other sites
Chris2016 Posted December 8, 2016 Share Posted December 8, 2016 "In the grand scheme of things it seems silly to think about, selfish even." OP, I don't think it's selfish. I'm 40, and in a similar boat. Maybe I need to seek out ladies in the 34+ age range? Link to post Share on other sites
Cupid's Puppet Posted December 8, 2016 Share Posted December 8, 2016 It's your biological clock warning you that at your age, most men and women are already in families with babies, and those that aren't are either not looking for it, or unfit for it. Why would you say something like that? Do you get joy out of hurting others? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LargoLagg Posted December 9, 2016 Share Posted December 9, 2016 Not that this will comfort you, but you probably ought to know. Some propeller-heads did a study about when that magic age was where people felt too old to get married, like they were left behind. It turns out that it depends, but that the criteria is the same for just about everybody. For people who have only a high school education, it was around 22 - 24. For people who have an undergraduate college degree, it was around 29 - 32. For people who have a masters, a little older than that, and for PhDs, a little older than that. The common thread was when they felt "too old" or "out of place" in their social circle. For the highschoolers, it occurred when most of their peers were attached or married, and when the unmarried people their ages suddenly changed to mostly college pukes. For the undergrads, the same thing happened. Their peers married off, and they started hanging out with higher educated and attorneys and the like. They felt out of place. Same with the next levels of education. Once they reached that situation, and they weren't in a relationship that was headed towards marriage, the chances of marrying plummeted to single digits. I don't know where you are in all that, but that's what they found. I think if you know what you're facing, then you can take positive steps that may get you towards where you want to go. If you quit now because of despair, you already know the answer. Link to post Share on other sites
Mysterio Posted December 9, 2016 Share Posted December 9, 2016 I got a complement today from my Dr. I told him I was single and childless and he said no wonder your happy and upbeat. Children don't make your life. Sometimes we have to just be happy with what we got. I don't want kids unless the mother of those kids and I have a great game plan for their lives. No unplanned out of wed lock kids for me. If that means that I have to keep it in my pants a bit more than the average guy so be it. Link to post Share on other sites
LookAtThisPOst Posted December 9, 2016 Share Posted December 9, 2016 It's the greatest joy in the world for people who strongly desire it, and a pain in the ass to people who don't. I've never agreed with people trying to convince childfree folks to have kids, why should it be acceptable the other way around? If the OP wants kids then she wants kids, it's not our prerogative to try and convince her to change her mind. I'm in a quandary of preferring women my age without children desiring children. I've seen dating profiles of mid-40s women wanting kids and when I crossed the threshold of 40, I opted out of being an elderly parent....just not attracted to the idea of being the only 55 year old parent picking up my 10 year old at school along with the other 20-something parents. lol Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted December 9, 2016 Share Posted December 9, 2016 Why would a single woman of 34 who wants her own kids ever consider adoption as her first choice?? She is not infertile, if she can adopt as a single parent then surely she can have her own kids as a single parent. Her fertility may not be that of a 22 year old but it is not surely as bad as she needs to consider adopting as her primary choice. Women graduates wait until they hit 35 before having their first child | Daily Mail Online - new research suggests, a baby’s social class can be determined by the age of their mother. Link to post Share on other sites
SilverLining Posted December 10, 2016 Share Posted December 10, 2016 I'm in a similar boat. 35, unmarried and childless. Everyone wondering when it's going to happen for me but time passes and nothing ever happens. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted December 10, 2016 Share Posted December 10, 2016 Why would a single woman of 34 who wants her own kids ever consider adoption as her first choice?? She is not infertile, if she can adopt as a single parent then surely she can have her own kids as a single parent. Her fertility may not be that of a 22 year old but it is not surely as bad as she needs to consider adopting as her primary choice. I agree - there is no reason why a 34 yo woman wouldn't be able to have biological kids. Personally, I brought up adoption in the context of "Even if you end up not having had biological kids several years down the road, adoption is always a possibility." 1 Link to post Share on other sites
OatsAndHall Posted December 10, 2016 Share Posted December 10, 2016 I got a complement today from my Dr. I told him I was single and childless and he said no wonder your happy and upbeat. Children don't make your life. Sometimes we have to just be happy with what we got. I don't want kids unless the mother of those kids and I have a great game plan for their lives. No unplanned out of wed lock kids for me. If that means that I have to keep it in my pants a bit more than the average guy so be it. Yup.. It's not about the kids for me, it's about a family. And, that means raising children with the right woman. Link to post Share on other sites
ASG Posted December 11, 2016 Share Posted December 11, 2016 I can totally relate OP: Completely in the same boat. I want a baby. And I want a baby right now, please. I'm about to turn 34, single, never married. I have started looking into fertility clinics, to possibly do it on my own. However, as a freelancer, that would be tremendous, and I'm hoping to actually meet someone and have a partner while doing it, as opposed to doing it on my own. But I WILL do it. Link to post Share on other sites
PrettyEmily77 Posted December 11, 2016 Share Posted December 11, 2016 Not in the same boat but to give you a little bit of hope, an ex-colleague who was childless, never married and was ready to give up at 38 has just had her second child with her husband of 4 years (he has 2 older children from a previous relationship). They got introduced to each other by mutual friends, hit it off and got the first one within a year of being together. Another one of my friends found her dream man after a string of failed relationship at the age of 37 (he was 40, never married no kids) and they now have a gorgeous 2 and a half yo. So it can happen! Keep the faith, OP Link to post Share on other sites
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