Relationships with an Introvert/Passive Aggressive?

[jorgeg3d]

Can anyone shine some light on introverts? I think these types of people are the hardest types to understand, and get a long with. Not to mention most are passive aggressive.

 

My ex was like this. All of my love and attention was never enough for her. She would back away at the sign of any potential drama, usually when there wasn't much drama to begin with. I would of given her the world. But her fears of change and failure helped to sabotage what we had. I had to walk on eggshells most of the times, the few times I chose to not sugar coat things, she would back down and become closed off on me. It was one of the hardest things to understand and deal with, obviously to this day.

 

I mean, its only been about 6 weeks since she broke it off with me. But I'm still in shock that one of the last things she told me was that I hurt her so much, and I didn't even know it until the end. She had never expressed this much pain to me before then, not in any obvious communication. Possibly though examples or something that I just didn't quite understand at the time.

 

I'm just looking back, wondering, what if. What if I got her, understood her, would it had been different? I know in the end, she needs to work on herself and her state of mind because I did so much to keep our ship afloat, and support her. But she gave up, gave up almost a year before she broke it off with me. Not giving me what I needed, love, affection, any physical interaction.

 

I know every relationship is a lesson, but I don't know if I need this lesson, just seems so unnecessary. I was always willing to fight for her and us. All I got was a person that would rather back off then work through things.

[thecrucible]

Can anyone shine some light on introverts? I think these types of people are the hardest types to understand, and get a long with. Not to mention most are passive aggressive.

 

Well we aren't all like that!

 

I had to walk on eggshells most of the times, the few times I chose to not sugar coat things, she would back down and become closed off on me. It was one of the hardest things to understand and deal with, obviously to this day.

 

What kind of incidents were these?

 

I mean, its only been about 6 weeks since she broke it off with me. But I'm still in shock that one of the last things she told me was that I hurt her so much, and I didn't even know it until the end. She had never expressed this much pain to me before then, not in any obvious communication. Possibly though examples or something that I just didn't quite understand at the time.

 

Then you could have expressed it to you and you never realised. I don't know you're story so I won't make assumptions but I have experienced this before, that men don't pay attention to what you are trying to tell them. I know that sucks though. Sometimes a break-up can blindside you.

 

I'm just looking back, wondering, what if. What if I got her, understood her, would it had been different? I know in the end, she needs to work on herself and her state of mind because I did so much to keep our ship afloat, and support her. But she gave up, gave up almost a year before she broke it off with me. Not giving me what I needed, love, affection, any physical interaction.

 

I know the feeling. But just remember that effort has to come from both sides. You can't sustain a relationship on your own. You tried your best at the time and that's all anyone can do.

 

I know every relationship is a lesson, but I don't know if I need this lesson, just seems so unnecessary. I was always willing to fight for her and us. All I got was a person that would rather back off then work through things.

 

Exactly. You can figure how to spot this next time. Do you think you bring issues up? I'm only asking because sometimes like attracts like, and both are afraid of discussing issues. I mean you did say that you didn't realise she was hurt by something but you know what it was.

[Els]

What??? The only difference between extroverts and introverts is that extroverts gain energy from socializing whereas introverts need time to recharge. In a relationship, extroversion/introversion only affects how you interact with other people (the extrovert might want to hang out with friends more often), not how you interact with each other. Plenty of introverts get along fine with their partners.

 

Stop blaming your ex-relationship's problems on introverts.

[jorgeg3d]

What??? The only difference between extroverts and introverts is that extroverts gain energy from socializing whereas introverts need time to recharge. In a relationship, extroversion/introversion only affects how you interact with other people (the extrovert might want to hang out with friends more often), not how you interact with each other. Plenty of introverts get along fine with their partners.

 

Stop blaming your ex-relationship's problems on introverts.

 

I'm not blaming introverts. I'm just trying to understand some of their behaviors. I'm no extrovert, I'd say I'm somewhere in the middle. But my ex would use her introversion as an excuse for the way she was on some if not a lot of situations. So, again just trying to understand.

 

 

Here's my original story TheCrucible, if you'd like to read it.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/604679-love-my-life-but-she-changed-after-8-months-then-left-me-2-years-later

 

Again, our issues were not that big, but to her, they were mountains that were unscalable. I just know I would try to talk things out with her and it was like running in circles half the time. We'd never get to a point where we could solve our issues. She'd always refer to a time I hurt her, and I never quite understood until now I suppose.

Edited December 8, 2016 by jorgeg3d

[Els]

I'm not blaming introverts. I'm just trying to understand some of their behaviors. I'm no extrovert, I'd say I'm somewhere in the middle. But my ex would use her introversion as an excuse for the way she was on some if not a lot of situations. So, again just trying to understand.

 

But there is nothing to 'understand' - in a one-on-one situation with a person they love, know, and are comfortable with (which is supposed to be the case in a relationship), there is no difference between an introvert and an extrovert. I don't know what caused the issues with your ex, but introversion has nothing to do with it.

 

A real example of a situation where introversion vs extroversion might actually cause issues in a relationship is if the extrovert wanted to meet up with friends or go to social events every couple of days whereas the introvert prefers to only do so once every 1-2 weeks. This was not the case for you.

[Alamo657]

Can anyone shine some light on introverts? I think these types of people are the hardest types to understand, and get a long with. Not to mention most are passive aggressive.

 

My ex was like this. All of my love and attention was never enough for her. She would back away at the sign of any potential drama, usually when there wasn't much drama to begin with. I would of given her the world. But her fears of change and failure helped to sabotage what we had. I had to walk on eggshells most of the times, the few times I chose to not sugar coat things, she would back down and become closed off on me. It was one of the hardest things to understand and deal with, obviously to this day.

 

I mean, its only been about 6 weeks since she broke it off with me. But I'm still in shock that one of the last things she told me was that I hurt her so much, and I didn't even know it until the end. She had never expressed this much pain to me before then, not in any obvious communication. Possibly though examples or something that I just didn't quite understand at the time.

 

I'm just looking back, wondering, what if. What if I got her, understood her, would it had been different? I know in the end, she needs to work on herself and her state of mind because I did so much to keep our ship afloat, and support her. But she gave up, gave up almost a year before she broke it off with me. Not giving me what I needed, love, affection, any physical interaction.

 

I know every relationship is a lesson, but I don't know if I need this lesson, just seems so unnecessary. I was always willing to fight for her and us. All I got was a person that would rather back off then work through things.

She considered you more like a companion than a lifelong partner, and all her accusations toward you stemed from her own inability to leave you.

 

You treated her well, but she wanted to be madly in love with someone, not be treated well. Beyond the passionnate phase, those people tend to withdraw, be agressive, and also flirt with others behind your back.

[basil67]

Her behaviour is not introversion.

 

If you need to *fight* for a relationship, it's not a relationship worth having. If a relationship causes you as much pain as you describe, it's not worth having. Good relationships don't cause you significant pain. They won't have you walking on eggshells.

 

Sounds like you should have left long ago when she started to show you who she really was.

[Els]

Yup... I am

 

So, if you perceive the experiences of a fellow introvert to be "inaccurate", why not elaborate? Do you think introversion is the reason for the collapse of the OP's last relationship (that he linked to)? Why or why not?

[guest572]

Why did you feel like you were walking on egg shells? Were there arguments? Tears?

[Sweetfish]

So, if you perceive the experiences of a fellow introvert to be "inaccurate", why not elaborate?

It's way more than being around a group drain us and extroverts thrive in groups. Most introverts actually project multiple outcomes before a situation transpire. We consume information, facial expressions, and patterns. We can spot a BSer specially if we know you. We can be outgoing and work very well in groups as long as it's stimulating. We avoid drama and confrontation because we need to process the information that's being projected on us. Reacting would be bad... it's not that we don't want to engage in argument, but we believe in conflict resolution. If we know that an argument is going to happen, we know the script already and isn't worth the time...

 

I'm stating this as an introvert male.. women can be different and other introverts may be different. You can spot an introvert by the movies he watch or the books he/she reads.

[Els]

It's way more than being around a group drain us and extroverts thrive in groups. Most introverts actually project multiple outcomes before a situation transpire. We consume information, facial expressions, and patterns. We can spot a BSer specially if we know you. We can be outgoing and work very well in groups as long as it's stimulating. We avoid drama and confrontation because we need to process the information that's being projected on us. Reacting would be bad... it's not that we don't want to engage in argument, but we believe in conflict resolution. If we know that an argument is going to happen, we know the script already and isn't worth the time...

 

I'm stating this as an introvert male.. women can be different and other introverts may be different. You can spot an introvert by the movies he watch or the books he/she reads.

 

That is a trend/generality and not the main definition of introversion vs extroversion. Also, how does this change the fact that the OP's failed relationship had nothing to do with introversion?

[Nowty V]

Also, how does this change the fact that the OP's failed relationship had nothing to do with introversion?

 

I know it's a bit of a mouthful but 'Highly Sensitive Person' may be a more accurate description than 'Introvert'

 

HSP is a genetic hereditary disposition and is concerned with the individual's limbic system and amygdalae.

 

The HSP can become overwhelmed in fairly ordinary situations, once the limbic system is rattled and the amygdalae activated, fear very soon sets in.

 

The OP's difficulty in communication with his partner could be due to her introvert/HSP, if he was unaware of her disposition.

 

He could quite easily freak her out and be unaware of the effect of his words or actions, she could be frozen with fear and unable to express her discomfort. All she'd be looking for is the nearest exit.

[Sweetfish]

That is a trend/generality and not the main definition of introversion vs extroversion. Also, how does this change the fact that the OP's failed relationship had nothing to do with introversion?

 

Introvert is not define by energy draw as not all introverts get drained being in groups. Introvert is define more by being more internal than external.

 

 

The failure of the relationship is not because of introversion.. maybe there is another side to the story.. maybe she is using what ever she can to bail. OP... how did you meet this person? She said you hurt her? You said her fear of change? What change are you talking about.

Edited December 8, 2016 by Sweetfish

[Nowty V]

You can spot an introvert by the movies he watch or the books he/she reads.

 

This is quite a generalism.

 

I suggest you try this link.

 

?Personal Projects and Free Traits: Personality and Motivation Reconsidered | Dr. Brian R. Little

[Sweetfish]

This is quite a generalism.

 

I suggest you try this link.

 

?Personal Projects and Free Traits: Personality and Motivation Reconsidered | Dr. Brian R. Little

 

 

I agree it's a generalization... but most personality traits are generalizations

[Logo]

The passive aggressiveness comes from resentment because she doesn't have the backbone to be open and honest with you. She clearly had her own selfish agenda.

 

She dumped all that negativity on you at the end because at that point she had nothing to lose and was planing her exit a while ago. She didn't see you guys as partners and was concerned with her own selfish needs.

 

You deserve someone better.

Edited December 8, 2016 by Logo

[jorgeg3d]

She considered you more like a companion than a lifelong partner, and all her accusations toward you stemed from her own inability to leave you.

 

You treated her well, but she wanted to be madly in love with someone, not be treated well. Beyond the passionnate phase, those people tend to withdraw, be agressive, and also flirt with others behind your back.

 

I wouldn't say she considered me a companion at all. The love was there, the passion was there at one point. She moved up with me 2 hours away from her family to be with me. Unless she was living a lie, that's the only way I would think otherwise.

[jorgeg3d]

Why did you feel like you were walking on egg shells? Were there arguments? Tears?

 

Well I knew she didn't like confrontation so that was part of it. And I never wanted to hurt her. I would come up to her with a problem we were having and a possible solution but she wouldn't reciprocate and help me with solutions, towards the end anyways.

 

At the beginning, and mostly throughout. We would go in circles, my view verses her view, she could never just meet me in the middle on many things. It was the most maddening thing to go through. A relationship is about meeting in the middle, having a common ground. We never really had that.

 

She'd always look at the negative in a situation, as opposed to the positive side and how to continue moving forward. She'd sabotage a lot of her life's goals, and eventually sabotaged the relationship. To me, nothing was unrepairable.

[jorgeg3d]

I know it's a bit of a mouthful but 'Highly Sensitive Person' may be a more accurate description than 'Introvert'

 

HSP is a genetic hereditary disposition and is concerned with the individual's limbic system and amygdalae.

 

The HSP can become overwhelmed in fairly ordinary situations, once the limbic system is rattled and the amygdalae activated, fear very soon sets in.

 

The OP's difficulty in communication with his partner could be due to her introvert/HSP, if he was unaware of her disposition.

 

He could quite easily freak her out and be unaware of the effect of his words or actions, she could be frozen with fear and unable to express her discomfort. All she'd be looking for is the nearest exit.

 

I believe this is very accurate. She always feared the worst in most situations. It boggled my mind how someone could live like that. I always tried to support her and tried to get her to look at the positives instead of the negatives.

 

Wouldn't you think someone like this would need professional help? People shouldn't live like this, its no way to live. I tried to explain it to her that she needed help but she would dismiss it, and was in denial.

[jorgeg3d]

Introvert is not define by energy draw as not all introverts get drained being in groups. Introvert is define more by being more internal than external.

 

 

The failure of the relationship is not because of introversion.. maybe there is another side to the story.. maybe she is using what ever she can to bail. OP... how did you meet this person? She said you hurt her? You said her fear of change? What change are you talking about.

 

Please check out my original post on our relationship.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/604679-love-my-life-but-she-changed-after-8-months-then-left-me-2-years-later

 

You see, we never had any "real" problems. Everything was something most people could work through. I believe her disposition was the main reason we couldn't solve our problems or work things out. I never intentionally meant to hurt her, either by being abusive, mentally or physically or anything of that nature. She told me she had a rough childhood and I had so much sympathy for her, I felt like I had to support her in anyway I could. I would have moved mountains for her. But somehow I became the bad guy.

 

That's the hardest part of all of this, knowing someone had internal issues and I couldn't do anything to help, the one person who loved her the most and didn't want to walk away from any situation was the one that was the scapegoat to all the problems. And her family were enablers, helping her think everything else is the problem, and not looking deep into the root of the cause. I'll never get that.

Edited December 8, 2016 by jorgeg3d

[Sweetfish]

If there is not another guy. Your chances of getting her back are high....but the process will be slow. The problem is do you want to be with a person as such?

[Nowty V]

Wouldn't you think someone like this would need professional help?

 

No.. someone like this needs patience and understanding. It is a Physiological condition not a Psychological one. It is due to the brain's Physiology and operation.

 

 

People shouldn't live like this, its no way to live. I tried to explain it to her that she needed help but she would dismiss it, and was in denial.

 

No ... She would be becoming over aroused in the interaction and would dissociate to protect herself. It can feel like your head will explode if the source of the stimulation does not cease, or one can become frozen with the induced fear.

 

If you want to know more or you wish to help her, buy her this book.

 

The Highly Sensitive Person:

How To Thrive When The World Overwhelms You

by Elaine N. Aron, Ph.D.

 

It can be sourced quite reasonably priced on a well known auction site e bay.

[jorgeg3d]

If there is not another guy. Your chances of getting her back are high....but the process will be slow. The problem is do you want to be with a person as such?

 

There is no other guy, she tends to take awhile to recover. She told me it took almost 2 years to recover from her last relationship. But as the person who got dumped, I don't think I can do anything about it. I've been NC for over a month now.

[jorgeg3d]

No.. someone like this needs patience and understanding. It is a Physiological condition not a Psychological one. It is due to the brain's Physiology and operation.

 

 

 

 

No ... She would be becoming over aroused in the interaction and would dissociate to protect herself. It can feel like your head will explode if the source of the stimulation does not cease, or one can become frozen with the induced fear.

 

If you want to know more or you wish to help her, buy her this book.

 

The Highly Sensitive Person:

How To Thrive When The World Overwhelms You

by Elaine N. Aron, Ph.D.

 

It can be sourced quite reasonably priced on a well known auction site e bay.

 

 

Thank you for the book reference. I'll check it out. But wouldn't that be another "slap in the face" to her if I were to give her the book? I would think anything I try to point out to her, about her own personal issues would be a slap in the face from me, even though my intentions are to help and support her.

 

I want her to want me back, not hate me more lol.

I do appreciate it though, I would totally do this if I knew she was receptive to get help, from me.

[basil67]

You see, we never had any "real" problems. Everything was something most people could work through.

 

Jorgeg3d, I think your sadness has made you sink into a delusional state. From what you wrote, the relationship had very significant problems. And the type of problems which would cause most to abandon ship.

 

She would have needed a personality transplant to make this work. And you needed to recognise this and leave the relationship much earlier. It's sad that you want to return to this state of walking on eggshells with someone who is so incompatible with you.