Age difference in mid-life?

[edgygirl]

As the years pass, I am getting men who are much older contact me. Which means men up to 60 when I'm around mid-40s.

 

What is too much of an age difference in this age range? I'd guess it's different than age difference in your 20s or 30s. I feel men in their 40s around the same age as me are going for the women who are 30ish, and I also feel that suddenly all these men over 50 up to 60 started to contact me. Even though I set on my profile my "ideal" age range as 42-52.

 

This week I had a really nice 58 yo man contact me, but I'm certainly not used to men that age and I'm confused. They do seem nicer than the 40ish yo men overall. Much more mature and caring.

 

I froze my eggs, and he also said he's still interested in having a child. But of course his age scares me a little.

 

What is too old in my age range? What things should I consider? Of course being a widow too early in life passes through my mind Anyone going through the same? Thoughts?

[mikeylo]

In general, men prefer younger women especially when they themselves get older. A 50 something guy ,if has a choice between a 45 year old and a 50 year old, he will go for 45.

 

If you don't like the age , don't go further. You seem to be settling. It won't last

[ja123]

I think the age gap is fine now, but what happens when they start aging.

 

 

My mother's husband is 9 yeas older and she his is nursemaid now. He wouldn't survive without her.

 

 

Why don't you try for a little younger than you?

[edgygirl]

mikeylo - don't feel I'm settling, this is new territory so I'm wondering how it would feel as I'm tired of the bs from guys around my age...

 

ja123 - oops yeah there's the nurse part I went younger with my first husband, it did not work quite well, but I won't say I'd never try it again, as I really really loved him.

[Mrin]

Heya eddy:

 

So a few thoughts for you on this. I'm 45 and a dude.

 

How old is too old? I've given this a good amount of thought. When you get to be our age, age difference don't matter that much - until they do. On the older side they matter for a couple of reasons. 1) the relative age of children involved 2) health/fitness and 3) if you get really old, life stage (e.g. retirement). On the younger side it is really about having kids. More on that later...

 

What I see naturally occurring is that men end up coupling up with a woman about 4 - 8 years younger. Read what you want into that - it is probably true! But I also think that the older man/younger woman dynamic works for a lot of relationships in terms of the whole masculine/feminine thing.

 

I know when I started dating again I set my age range at like +-8 years of my current age. So I was dating up to 50 and down to 34. In practice, I dated as old as 50 (+8) and as young as 32 (-10) and everywhere in between. I must have dated 50 women if "dating" means going on a first date. OLD was a great thing for me.

 

What I found was that I naturally clicked with women who were younger than me. I don't know what it was about it. I think part of it was I felt they had a little more "girl" to them than women who were older than me. And I found that attractive.

 

I ended up finding the love of my life who was 36 at the time (-6 years) and we just clicked like no one has ever clicked before in the history of humanity. That was 2.5 years ago.

 

It all comes down to personality types of course, but if I had to recommend an age range for you I'd says -2/+8. That seems to be probably the most natural fit in our years.

 

Best of luck and I hope this helps!

[Gloria25]

Uggggh,

 

For me, too old is when the guy looks/acts old or OLDER.

 

My last FWB was 42 and I was late 30's, but he was soooo active and fit. He rock climbed, was into MMA, etc. Yes, he was getting gray and had a bald spot in the back (when he opted to shave it all off, I was pissed, but he was a handsome man and could pull it off).

 

But for me it isn't a silly and shallowness about looks and a hard body. I mean, I had and have no issue with what's gonna happen to a man with age (ie my FWB's graying and baldness).

 

The thing with me and men my age/older that seriously upsets me is how majority will not take care of themselves. They dress, look, and act older.

 

And no, I can't stand cougars and guys who chase hotter/younger women and have nothing to offer (I love you Trump, but you gotta do something about your fitness and that hair)...but sorry, I want a guy like my last FWB, who takes care of himself as he ages. And, no, I, I don't mean the weird older guy with a spray tan, wearing affliction jeans and who drives a cheesey sports car.

 

And yes, another thing to consider with a significant age gap is if you're ready to possibly be his caretaker and forego having a viable lover (for you) and father (for your kids).

 

PS, I've brought up this story before, but will do it again . I had a boss who was early 50s. Slim, fit, active. She enjoyed biking and hiking. She married a guy who physically looked like he could be her grandpa. He had a hearing aid, out of date comb-over, was a bit over weight, had back problems and he just retired. She had like a decade more to go before she could even request for retirement. Their marriage was tough on her cuz he wanted to move closer to his family and she still had to work where they met. He didn't go biking or hiking with her cuz he physically couldn't do it.

 

I'm sorry, if she was that lonely, then there's ten older guys that she could've recruited to be a "friend", cuz what's the point of having a husband who's like your grandpa and can't even get physical with you?

Edited December 9, 2016 by Gloria25

[Miss Peach]

I am really good friends with some men in that age bracket. There are two reasons I would be very hesitant to get involved in that age bracket - health and sex.

 

I have found the health of men that age really varies. If something long term came of it, it would mean potentially being a caregiver. With where my current life is, that's not something I want right now.

 

The sex is the second one. I like lots of sex. Men that age are more likely to have ED problems. Plus the old men get, the longer refractory period they tend to need.

[carhill]

As the years pass, I am getting men who are much older contact me. Which means men up to 60 when I'm around mid-40s.

IME, it's always been like that, probably long before I was born in the 50's. IME, in the past, it was common for men to marry younger to much younger women back when men were expected by society to be the risk-takers and security providers. They'd go out in the world and establish themselves, then marry a teenage girl to father their children with.

 

Oh, one other thing. Guys my age and older don't think of themselves as old when coveting women. Our brain thinks like a teenager in that department even if our body is decades down the road in decay. It's called the ego writing checks our body can't cash.

 

What is too much of an age difference in this age range? I'd guess it's different than age difference in your 20s or 30s. I feel men in their 40s around the same age as me are going for the women who are 30ish, and I also feel that suddenly all these men over 50 up to 60 started to contact me. Even though I set on my profile my "ideal" age range as 42-52.

 

At your age, IMO 5-7 years older or younger is reasonable. I also think health and lifestyle compatibility is both individual and more important than strict age range. YMMV on that.

 

This week I had a really nice 58 yo man contact me, but I'm certainly not used to men that age and I'm confused. They do seem nicer than the 40ish yo men overall. Much more mature and caring.

If he's nice and you all get along, no harm in dating, accepting that his age is a negative, apparently, factor for you. Some nice socializing doesn't mean you'll be wheeling his aged body around in a wheelchair, it just means some nice dates.

 

I froze my eggs, and he also said he's still interested in having a child. But of course his age scares me a little.

That's pretty cool and guys of all ages become fathers including, yup, some 'geezers' like guys my age and his. I happen to be the son of one. My half-sisters were already adults by the time I was born and that was decades ago, long before older men becoming new fathers was commonplace. It works for some folks. This guy? Who knows?

 

What is too old in my age range?

What feels 'off' to you. If the age difference kinda creeps you out, there's your sign.

What things should I consider?

How you feel in the interactions. Sure, there is thinking in relationships but IME they are a refuge of feeling, where accounting takes a backseat to the emotions of intimacy, something humans possess, if healthy, until we're dead.

Of course being a widow too early in life passes through my mind Anyone going through the same? Thoughts?

Sorry for your loss at such a young age. It sucks losing a spouse. In our group, we've already lost one younger wife to death, mostly due to alcohol abuse, and one other younger wife is fighting cancer and another a progressive mental disorder. Their husbands, older husbands, are in the caregiver role. No guarantees in life. Women, and men, are all individuals. IMO, since any relationship is a risk, make your best assessment and move forward. Once it's over, it's over. Life, I mean. Live it today.

[RecentChange]

Men age faster, and die younger on average than women do.

 

Honestly a big age gap would scare the hell out of me for this reason.

 

Let's say you are 45, and he is 60. In 10 years, you will be 55. On average that means you will have an additional 26 years left.

 

He will be 70, on average he will have 6 years left.

 

What about retirement? Will you be working for an extra decade or more after he hangs up his spurs?

 

And sex! Again, on average males sexual function starts to sharply decrease past the age of 60....

Edited December 9, 2016 by RecentChange

[Michelle ma Belle]

I'm 47 and have stated many times on here that since I've been dating, especially OLD, I either get inundated with attention by men between 22-34 or 57-77. There doesn't seem to be any in between for me for some reason despite that being my preferred age range.

 

I pride myself on being open minded and see attraction as multi-dimensional so I'm not hung up on just looks or a specific age or type. I've tried to date older men but like Miss Peach, having a robust and active sex life is still extremely important to me. I often have hard time finding men younger than me who can keep up never mind someone who's in their 60's.

 

I also can't help but agree with Gloria that so many older men look like they've cashed in all their chips physically and even mentally. I may be sliding into 50 soon enough myself but my spirit is forever young and I take a lot of pride in that. I'm nothing if not vivacious and energetic in all aspects of my being. I need someone equally as vivacious and energetic and someone who takes pride in how they carry themselves.

 

I'm not ready to buy matching rocking chairs just yet

 

So the answer to your question really lies with you. Dating people on either side of the age spectrum isn't all that unusual anymore. It just really depends on what's important to you. What kind of life you want both in the short term and long term. There are pros and cons for everything.

 

You just need to sort out what your deal breakers are.

 

Good luck.

[jen1447]

Aside from sex and health as mentioned, I think the main concern would be mortality. It's easy for younger ppl to ignore that, middle aged and up, not so much.

 

All things being equal, and you have to assume they will be, bscly you have to be prepared to be w/out that person in old age for whatever duration the age difference is. So if he's 10 years older than you, you'll be alone 10 years in your golden years. (Unless you get a new one of course. )

 

Anyway that's the thing I'd most keep in mind but then again you can just toss it out the window when 'that thing' - love or w/e you want to call it - intervenes. So take it w a grain of salt.

[edgygirl]

Gloria - I liked your post until you mentioned liking Drumpf (!)

 

(I love you Trump, but you gotta do something about your fitness and that hair).

[elaine567]

This week I had a really nice 58 yo man contact me,

 

Fast forward 10 years, your child is under 10 and still needs a lot of care. Your husband is 68 and most likely retired, he will be slowing down, he may need looking after (not all 68yo men are out there scaling mountains) - you are now probably the main breadwinner too.

Your parents and probably his too are failing and as a woman you will be most likely be expected to take responsibility and sort out the elderly parents.

Many 50+ women are running themselves ragged - working, looking after children, caring for elderly relatives and some are even looking after grand children whist the parents are at work too.

I think you could do without an elderly husband to add to the mix.

[Gloria25]

The sex is the second one. I like lots of sex. Men that age are more likely to have ED problems. Plus the old men get, the longer refractory period they tend to need.

 

Well, I got the part about ED and all that, but again, my thing is not doing anything about it. There's Cialis, Viagra (which some younger men have no shame in taking for "stunt" sex for hours ) and other things like diet and exercise to handle the normal changes that come with aging.

 

Also, is he good with his hands and mouth? Real intimacy isn't some guy pounding you with an erect penis. Oral and/or manual done right is the bee's knees!!! So, if I'm with a guy I love and adore, as he ages, as long as he doesn't slack I can handle the changes that come with age. Again, I'm not shallow, superficial and/or unrealistic...I just have no tolerance for lazy, selfishness, and excuses.

[thefooloftheyear]

Well....thank God not all of us are duds....

 

 

TFY

[Miss Peach]

Well, I got the part about ED and all that, but again, my thing is not doing anything about it. There's Cialis, Viagra (which some younger men have no shame in taking for "stunt" sex for hours ) and other things like diet and exercise to handle the normal changes that come with aging.

 

Also, is he good with his hands and mouth? Real intimacy isn't some guy pounding you with an erect penis. Oral and/or manual done right is the bee's knees!!! So, if I'm with a guy I love and adore, as he ages, as long as he doesn't slack I can handle the changes that come with age. Again, I'm not shallow, superficial and/or unrealistic...I just have no tolerance for lazy, selfishness, and excuses.

 

I have tried to date quite a bit older than me before. And as I mentioned I have several close male friends 20-30 years older. Even if they can get an erection, they can't always finish or go again. I like sex several times per day. Most men somewhere in their 40s/50s IME start getting to the point they can go only once or twice per day.

 

Yes, there are other ways to play together, but most of the men I've met in those ages aren't as sex crazed as guys in my age range.

 

Everyone has their priorities but for me sex is much higher on there than when I was younger.

[thefooloftheyear]

I have tried to date quite a bit older than me before. And as I mentioned I have several close male friends 20-30 years older. Even if they can get an erection, they can't always finish or go again. I like sex several times per day. Most men somewhere in their 40s/50s IME start getting to the point they can go only once or twice per day.

Yes, there are other ways to play together, but most of the men I've met in those ages aren't as sex crazed as guys in my age range.

 

Everyone has their priorities but for me sex is much higher on there than when I was younger.

 

 

And as an adult grown woman, you would be disappointed with anything less than two times a day??

 

Sheesh....I almost feel sorry for you...

 

TFY

[GorillaTheater]

And as an adult grown woman, you would be disappointed with anything less than two times a day??

 

Sheesh....I almost feel sorry for you...

 

TFY

 

 

If I didn't already have one, I'd buy a lawnmower just to get out of the house.

[elaine567]

So, if I'm with a guy I love and adore, as he ages, as long as he doesn't slack I can handle the changes that come with age. Again, I'm not shallow, superficial and/or unrealistic...I just have no tolerance for lazy, selfishness, and excuses.

 

I think what Miss Peach is getting at is that why should a woman in her 40s catapult herself straight into the middle of "older" men's problems?

 

I think everyone gets the "growing old" phenomenon, where each accommodates the ageing process in the other, but I guess there are not many men in their 40's willing to dive into a group of "menopausal" women either.

 

I think it is assumed that women will just accept older men (almost as a given), and some will, especially when there is money and a cosy way of living to be had, but for many women the thought of an "older" man is just as abhorrent as the thought of an "older" women would be to many men.

[Miss Peach]

And as an adult grown woman, you would be disappointed with anything less than two times a day??

 

Sheesh....I almost feel sorry for you...

 

TFY

 

Yes. With my current BF and my previous one 2 times per day was the minimum for most days. Sometimes life gets in the way.

 

Now if I had been with someone for a long time and it grew into that for something like a health reason then I would make due. But why would I want to go into a relationship with someone who can't meet my needs? I have a high sex drive. There are many men who would love having a woman with that.

 

I think what Miss Peach is getting at is that why should a woman in her 40s catapult herself straight into the middle of "older" men's problems?

 

I think everyone gets the "growing old" phenomenon, where each accommodates the ageing process in the other, but I guess there are not many men in their 40's willing to dive into a group of "menopausal" women either.

 

I think it is assumed that women will just accept older men (almost as a given), and some will, especially when there is money and a cosy way of living to be had, but for many women the thought of an "older" man is just as abhorrent as the thought of an "older" women would be to many men.

 

Exactly. I'm totally not shallow. My male friends tell me I am the most understanding person they know. It's just at this point I know several things I want and I don't want to start getting involved romantically in people who can't meet those things.

 

For example if a man told me he wants to have children, I would also tell him no because I am done with children. We're just not compatible. I don't see the reason I can't tell a man I don't want to take on his situation early on in a dating or in a pre-dating phase.

[Gloria25]

Well....thank God not all of us are duds....

 

 

TFY

 

But a large quantity are

[Gloria25]

I think what Miss Peach is getting at is that why should a woman in her 40s catapult herself straight into the middle of "older" men's problems?

 

I think everyone gets the "growing old" phenomenon, where each accommodates the ageing process in the other, but I guess there are not many men in their 40's willing to dive into a group of "menopausal" women either.

 

I think it is assumed that women will just accept older men (almost as a given), and some will, especially when there is money and a cosy way of living to be had, but for many women the thought of an "older" man is just as abhorrent as the thought of an "older" women would be to many men.

 

Agreed....same here. It's one thing to grow old with your SO, it's another to enter a RL with a guy who already has an 'as is, buy at your own risk' sign looming over his head.

[jen1447]

Yes. With my current BF and my previous one 2 times per day was the minimum for most days. Sometimes life gets in the way.

 

Peaches, you're a superheroine.

[Weezy1973]

I just think like anything it's about compatibility. Older, younger, same age...there are general trends of course but you'll only know if you're compatible by actually going out in dates with people!

[edgygirl]

For the men here who are above 50 and answered:

 

How many times per day? Week? Month?

 

I'm kidding... but not really. How often do you like it?