Takes over your life

[aileD]

Do you ever feel like the affair takes over your life?

 

Having an off day today. Feel like the affair is just following me around everywhere. We had our bankruptcy hearing today, went fine. But of course the lawyer they sent was someone who used to work with H so I got introduced and chatting. All I can think isn"this guy has read every doctors note on how screwed up I am and my explanation letter of why we had a rough year. Awesome. Then someone from H's office is there too. So much for privacy.

 

But it's done so that's good. But part of me is scared like "we have no debt now, he could just leave". Don't think he will and we are doing good but because of this stupid affair, the thought comes to mind.

 

Then every stupid song today on the radio was triggery. Every TV show had affair or cheating in it

 

H is currently "talking down" a coworker from being with another one who is married. Good for him for using experience me what he's learned to help someone else (I have here). But just jeez why today?

 

Just don't want it to be like this forever .

 

Thoughts? Experience?

[HurtHusband]

for me seeing movies about infidelity on tv while my wife is in the room, or hearing the same name as the OM were triggers.

[aileD]

for me seeing movies about infidelity on tv while my wife is in the room, or hearing the same name as the OM were triggers.

 

My niece had the same name as the xOW. Husband said her name yesterday too....referencing my niece. I hate to hear it come out of his mouth.

[KimJ1234]

Yes; it's always on the back of my mind. There's many times I have to remind myself to keep looking forward.

 

Many times I wanna say something snarky but I hold my tongue.

 

There's a good show called "The Affair". I tried to watch the first episode but it triggered.

Finally got around to watching the whole 2 seasons but it brought up a lot of buried feelings.

 

I hate the name Danielle.

[BoaConstrictor]

Yeah, it seems to be the only thing that my husband and I talk about these days, but we are still early in the process. I'm hoping that we will be able to talk about normal stuff again. For now, we've been spending at least two hours a night talking over things, sometimes retreading the same ground, other times coming up with new revelations.

 

It's exhausting, for sure, but I'm not sure what the alternative is.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Infidelity is the elephant in the room for many many years....its always there. But I promise...as time goes by...if issues are addressed...that the elephant can be moved from the room to the backyard.

 

It is always there...but it becomes less overwhelming...it takes up less time...and you don't always have to clean up the mess.

 

Hang in there...it does get better.

[elaine567]

Infidelity is the elephant in the room for many many years....its always there. But I promise...as time goes by...if issues are addressed...that the elephant can be moved from the room to the backyard.

 

It is always there...but it becomes less overwhelming...it takes up less time...and you don't always have to clean up the mess.

Hang in there...it does get better.

 

YES, maybe, but you have had 30 years of it "getting better", all over a moment of weakness on your part, and a RA on his. Was it really worth 30 years of soul searching, angst and upset?

I know you will say "Of course it was", but would it not really have just been better if you had both started anew with other people?

[aileD]

Yes; it's always on the back of my mind. There's many times I have to remind myself to keep looking forward.

 

Many times I wanna say something snarky but I hold my tongue.

 

There's a good show called "The Affair". I tried to watch the first episode but it triggered.

Finally got around to watching the whole 2 seasons but it brought up a lot of buried feelings.

 

I hate the name Danielle.

 

I saw the commercials for it. Don't know if I should watch it

[aileD]

YES, maybe, but you have had 30 years of it "getting better", all over a moment of weakness on your part, and a RA on his. Was it really worth 30 years of soul searching, angst and upset?

I know you will say "Of course it was", but would it not really have just been better if you had both started anew with other people?

 

I think you have to weigh your whole relationship, not just the affair part of it. For us, there was more good than bad and a decent base to build on.

 

The wind is fresh, but it will heal. There will always be a scar but that doesn't mean it's not worth it. Scars fade with time and don't take up so much of your body's energy.

[KimJ1234]

would it not really have just been better if you had both started anew with other people?

 

I'm almost 2 years post d day. This question went through my head many times.

 

"Why am I staying get here?"

"Whats the point?"

"Why stay when I could be going through this all again in 10 years?"

 

I guess we all have decisions to make. I made the decision to stay.

In hindsight I'm honestly happy I did but I struggled with the commitment to stay. I doubted my decision a lot.

 

2 years out and I can honestly say I'm feeling good.

Bad days still happen though.

 

On Wednesday I had a bad night. My husband and I did a lot of talking.

 

I told him I would have rather he divorced me than cheat on me.

That floored him, I don't think he thought the A could hurt more than a divorce.

Edited December 9, 2016 by KimJ1234

[Mrs. John Adams]

YES, maybe, but you have had 30 years of it "getting better", all over a moment of weakness on your part, and a RA on his. Was it really worth 30 years of soul searching, angst and upset?

I know you will say "Of course it was", but would it not really have just been better if you had both started anew with other people?

 

For years I think my husband questioned this very thing....I think he approached everything with the possibility of divorce in the back of his mind....the WHAT IF's.

 

But I can tell you that we BOTH are very glad we stuck it out and worked it out and are still together. There is only one thing i would change...I would never have cheated in the first place. But I would not change the last 45 years I have spent loving this man and sharing his life.

 

We can what if? everything in life. Hindsight is always 20/20. But to answer your question...NO. It would not have been better to divorce and start over with someone else.

 

Beginning again does not mean you don't take the baggage from previous relationships into the new relationship. It still has to be dealt with.

 

We are lucky....we survived...and not only have we survived...we have prospered.

[understand50]

It does take time, it will get better. I have 40 years living this, and while the infidelity is not a big issue as it once was, it always there, and adds to other things. I had to work at not using it against her with other complaints. That can be hard when something else comes along. "You did this, and cheated as well" Learning, in my case keeping a promise, can be a hard thing, but it gets easier as time goes on.

 

What happened, will always be with you, and your marriage. My advise to to try and make something better out of all this.

 

My two cents.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

Infidelity is the elephant in the room for many many years....its always there. But I promise...as time goes by...if issues are addressed...that the elephant can be moved from the room to the backyard.

 

It is always there...but it becomes less overwhelming...it takes up less time...and you don't always have to clean up the mess.

 

Hang in there...it does get better.

 

Good analogy.

Last week as my wife and I were leaving a party. The host told us a bad joke where infidelity was the punchline. Wife and I gave a polite chuckle and made our way out. Years ago that would've triggered both us, especially me.

 

It's always there to some degree. It becomes the new normal.

[MidnightBlue1980]

YES, maybe, but you have had 30 years of it "getting better", all over a moment of weakness on your part, and a RA on his. Was it really worth 30 years of soul searching, angst and upset?

I know you will say "Of course it was", but would it not really have just been better if you had both started anew with other people?

 

I agree with this. I wanted to divorce, I felt the marriage was irreparable. Not because we did not love each other but I am not a big believer in fixing things. I burn it all down and move on.

 

He seems fine, it's me who is not. But I am trying for him and my kids.

 

To AileD, given your particular story, has your H considered he had a midlife crisis? It's a real thing. His situation was pretty extreme. I can't imagine him repeating it. It's not the typical thing you read about here.

[aileD]

I agree with this. I wanted to divorce, I felt the marriage was irreparable. Not because we did not love each other but I am not a big believer in fixing things. I burn it all down and move on.

 

He seems fine, it's me who is not. But I am trying for him and my kids.

 

To AileD, given your particular story, has your H considered he had a midlife crisis? It's a real thing. His situation was pretty extreme. I can't imagine him repeating it. It's not the typical thing you read about here.

 

 

Well I thought it was an early mid life crisis the firs time he had an affair at 30. Now being 40, yes it had all the hallmarks of a mid life crisis.

 

But honestly. I think it's more H's past. He literally lived in drama and chaos for years as a child. He was raised by his abuser to think that love meant certain things---like all attention is on him all the time, that his pleasure is important and comes first, that if someone isn't fawning over him it must mean they don't love him etc. He didn't learn what real love is. He also had to be self sufficient from a very early age because his mom was always drunk. And by self sufficient I mean he literally had to buy his own food with paper route money from like the age of 8. And he's a strong person and did all that but ...he's still very self focused. I used to just think he's selfish....but I'm learning it's not that....he'd give a stranger the shirt off is back so ...it's not selfish. It's more focused inward and ding what he wants and to make sure he is ok. ...which is what he had to do from an early age.

 

He says I'm teaching him what real love is. And to see some of the things he was saying to his coworker about affairs and what he's learned and what marriage really is and means gives me hope he's understanding and changing.

 

Oh and OW posted something about "NYC here I come..watch out world!" So I'm hoping she's moving there since that's where here family came from before they moved here.....hope hope hope it's not just a vacation. Lol

 

AnywY. Yeah. Today is a better day. H could sense i was off and as been extra sweet all day without having to talk about everything which is just what I need today

Edited December 9, 2016 by aileD

[Whoknew30]

Not in my situation...I felt so low in my marriage prayer to our A, that when we finally got everything out, it was a breath of fresh air. Sitting at our first MC session, with my H finally listening & engaging in actual meaningful conversation with me was the best I had felt in a long time.

[Mr. Lucky]

H is currently "talking down" a coworker from being with another one who is married.

 

Given the fact he's cheated on you multiple times and his conduct as recently as a month ago, seems arrogant and presumptuous. Kind of like hearing Jim Baker talk about how to get into Heaven...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Satu]

I admire anyone who takes on the task of healing from an affair; both those who choose to stay, and those who choose to leave.

 

It takes a lot courage to bring things out into the daylight, and look at them as they really are.

 

It shows good character and integrity, in my opinion.

 

 

Take care.

 

PS: I don't know where that grin emoticon came from...

Edited December 9, 2016 by Satu

[aileD]

Given the fact he's cheated on you multiple times and his conduct as recently as a month ago, seems arrogant and presumptuous. Kind of like hearing Jim Baker talk about how to get into Heaven...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

People heal in their own way. If he feels good doing this then I'm not going to judge him. He's not doing it to be arrogant or saying he thinks he knows it all....but its good to hear him verbalizing some things as fact instead of just to me I guess...talking about the affair after you're out of it is an anti realty different view then while you're in it.

[QuietDan]

A very encouraging post.

Good point about not being able to leave the baggage behind.

A person can run from themselves, they just can't get away.

I also think as the aging process kicks in... new challenges can sometimes develop,

new insecurities develop.. or perhaps.... hidden....not acknowledge minor insecurities grow, gain footing, and flourish ... occasionally the mind plays tricks on the person....Issues become intertwined, new insecurity and fears get projected onto traumatic past events and issues...

It seems to me, sometimes, old traumas are like honey traps for fear.

It takes due diligence to keep fear weeded out of the garden of life and relationships.

[elaine567]

People heal in their own way. If he feels good doing this then I'm not going to judge him. He's not doing it to be arrogant or saying he thinks he knows it all....but its good to hear him verbalizing some things as fact instead of just to me I guess...talking about the affair after you're out of it is an anti realty different view then while you're in it.

 

My worry is that he is doing this to somehow keep the affair and the drama alive.

He is not so much "helping" as merely swapping stories, maybe even bragging.

He can't really talk to you about what really went on, but he now has a mate who understands from his POV - birds of a feather flock together maybe.

[frogss29]

For years I think my husband questioned this very thing....I think he approached everything with the possibility of divorce in the back of his mind....the WHAT IF's.

 

But I can tell you that we BOTH are very glad we stuck it out and worked it out and are still together. There is only one thing i would change...I would never have cheated in the first place. But I would not change the last 45 years I have spent loving this man and sharing his life.

 

We can what if? everything in life. Hindsight is always 20/20. But to answer your question...NO. It would not have been better to divorce and start over with someone else.

 

Beginning again does not mean you don't take the baggage from previous relationships into the new relationship. It still has to be dealt with.

 

 

 

We are lucky....we survived...and not only have we survived...we have prospered.

 

I am roughly the same age as you and although our story is different , you know what scares me??? No matter how much forgiveness there is on BOTH sides, I worry that if he dies before me, will I lose it? Will I freak out with the suppressed anger???? anger that I dont even REALISE is there??? No matter how much we talk it out, and forgive, is it still there?

[Mrs. John Adams]

I am roughly the same age as you and although our story is different , you know what scares me??? No matter how much forgiveness there is on BOTH sides, I worry that if he dies before me, will I lose it? Will I freak out with the suppressed anger???? anger that I dont even REALISE is there??? No matter how much we talk it out, and forgive, is it still there?

 

It is always there....but it doesn't have to be a dominant factor. Honestly we rarely discuss it anymore...only when something on loveshack triggers something or a post stimulates a conversation.

 

In day to day life...we are just us....but we never take each other for granted and i doubt we ever do again. We enjoy our lives and we live life to the fullest.

We will never let infidelity defeat us....and don't you dare let it defeat you either!

 

While some here seem to think because our infidelity was eons ago...we are no longer relevant....i hope and pray that they have the success and the years together in reconciliation that we have had. Infidelity is timeless...it destroys lives yesterday today and tomorrow. That never changes.

[aileD]

My worry is that he is doing this to somehow keep the affair and the drama alive.

He is not so much "helping" as merely swapping stories, maybe even bragging.

He can't really talk to you about what really went on, but he now has a mate who understands from his POV - birds of a feather flock together maybe.

 

 

I read through the entire conversation and didn't get that vibe. He didn't really talk about his experience personally . Don't have time to explain fully now...I will later if I remember

 

We actually have talked about everything that went on. That's something about my husband is that he puts it all out there, there is no trickle truth even during the affair, and it seemed cruel at the time but am thankful for it now

[MidnightBlue1980]

 

Oh and OW posted something about "NYC here I come..watch out world!" So I'm hoping she's moving there since that's where here family came from before they moved here.....hope hope hope it's not just a vacation. Lol

 

 

How are you reading what OW says on FB? I assume you are not friends? Does she post things to the global setting?

 

I'd say you should not be reading her page but I admit I would be reading it as well. This makes me wonder if xmm's BS reads mine. I post a lot to global setting as I use it for business.