Takes over your life

[MuddyFootprints]

It is always there....but it doesn't have to be a dominant factor. Honestly we rarely discuss it anymore...only when something on loveshack triggers something or a post stimulates a conversation.

 

In day to day life...we are just us....but we never take each other for granted and i doubt we ever do again. We enjoy our lives and we live life to the fullest.

We will never let infidelity defeat us....and don't you dare let it defeat you either!

 

While some here seem to think because our infidelity was eons ago...we are no longer relevant....i hope and pray that they have the success and the years together in reconciliation that we have had. Infidelity is timeless...it destroys lives yesterday today and tomorrow. That never changes.

 

Perhaps it's generational. I wouldn't suggest your recovery is irrelevant and absolutely congratulate you on the success you've achieved in life and love.

 

You both have wisdom that contributes to the conversation.

 

My yesterdays will not destroy our tomorrows. It does change. It changes everything. And, sometimes, that is a good thing.

[LargoLagg]

Does not Dionysius seem to have made it sufficiently clear that there can be nothing happy for the person over whom some fear always looms?

 

-- Cicero, on the story of the Sword of Damocles

[Mrs. John Adams]

Perhaps it's generational. I wouldn't suggest your recovery is irrelevant and absolutely congratulate you on the success you've achieved in life and love.

 

You both have wisdom that contributes to the conversation.

 

My yesterdays will not destroy our tomorrows. It does change. It changes everything. And, sometimes, that is a good thing.

 

yes...i saw a wonderful quote yesterday...focus on where you want to be and not where you have been

 

It so applies to us who have been touched by infidelity.

[HeCantBreakMe]

How are you reading what OW says on FB? I assume you are not friends? Does she post things to the global setting?

 

I'd say you should not be reading her page but I admit I would be reading it as well. This makes me wonder if xmm's BS reads mine. I post a lot to global setting as I use it for business.

 

She probably does. I finally blocked my xmm bs so that I wouldn't be tempted to look.

[road]

YES, maybe, but you have had 30 years of it "getting better", all over a moment of weakness on your part, and a RA on his. Was it really worth 30 years of soul searching, angst and upset?

I know you will say "Of course it was", but would it not really have just been better if you had both started anew with other people?

 

The affair and what it did to them would still with them for it can never be undone or the changes that it made.

[aileD]

How are you reading what OW says on FB? I assume you are not friends? Does she post things to the global setting?

 

I'd say you should not be reading her page but I admit I would be reading it as well. This makes me wonder if xmm's BS reads mine. I post a lot to global setting as I use it for business.

 

Not Facebook. Whatsapp. Shes got me blocked but I have a spare phone that I used to use as a GPS in hubbys car. I signed up for whatsapp under that phone number but on my phone (you just use the code sent to the other phone). She can't block me cuz she doesn't know the number. This was all done a long time ago during the A....They talked on that all the time. I'll check it here and there now just because I'm nosy (hoping she gets a boyfriend or even netter--moves!"

 

Facebook I can see her page so I'm not blocked but I'm not a friend. I can see her mothers full page though. That's how I know she is reconnecting with her family. Pics of them together and she posts stuff on her moms wall about thanks for being there and it's nice having coffee and watching sunrise etc.

 

 

I'm just curious. I'm hoping she's moving on because then it's less of a chance of her trying to contact H. I don't check every day. Maybe once a week. Or if I'm bored.

 

 

I would bet the BS on your case reads yours. She's probs curious about you too.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Not Facebook. Whatsapp. Shes got me blocked but I have a spare phone that I used to use as a GPS in hubbys car. I signed up for whatsapp under that phone number but on my phone (you just use the code sent to the other phone). She can't block me cuz she doesn't know the number. This was all done a long time ago during the A....They talked on that all the time. I'll check it here and there now just because I'm nosy (hoping she gets a boyfriend or even netter--moves!"

 

Facebook I can see her page so I'm not blocked but I'm not a friend. I can see her mothers full page though. That's how I know she is reconnecting with her family. Pics of them together and she posts stuff on her moms wall about thanks for being there and it's nice having coffee and watching sunrise etc.

 

 

I'm just curious. I'm hoping she's moving on because then it's less of a chance of her trying to contact H. I don't check every day. Maybe once a week. Or if I'm bored.

 

 

I would bet the BS on your case reads yours. She's probs curious about you too.

 

I have whatsapp but it just says "hey there, I am using whats app" as everyone's status. I only downloaded it for one friend. I guess my friends in my phone don't really use it.

 

The BS in my case knows who I am as I knew him for 4 years. We had met once years ago, long before any of this. It did not go well as xmm said that he wished he was married to me - in front of her and my husband. He meant it as a joke. Needless to say, she did not like me. I'm a foot taller and very different looking from her.

 

I am aware she was watching me in the parking lot at least once and looks at me on social media. I can see it on certain apps. She looks at me through his apps though, not hers, she has even created some new ones with his name and codes to make me think it's him. I know it's her though. My H said to be aware it may be the two of them together as xmm will need to convince her that it's all me.

 

So I have literally done nothing. I do not look at anything of theirs and I have not blocked them. It's long over, a year now. xmm will have to be honest to her for the first time, I won't do anything to make it look like I have even one emotion for him left. I won't be his scapegoat.

[aileD]

I have whatsapp but it just says "hey there, I am using whats app" as everyone's status. I only downloaded it for one friend. I guess my friends in my phone don't really use it.

 

The BS in my case knows who I am as I knew him for 4 years. We had met once years ago, long before any of this. It did not go well as xmm said that he wished he was married to me - in front of her and my husband. He meant it as a joke. Needless to say, she did not like me. I'm a foot taller and very different looking from her.

 

I am aware she was watching me in the parking lot at least once and looks at me on social media. I can see it on certain apps. She looks at me through his apps though, not hers, she has even created some new ones with his name and codes to make me think it's him. I know it's her though. My H said to be aware it may be the two of them together as xmm will need to convince her that it's all me.

 

So I have literally done nothing. I do not look at anything of theirs and I have not blocked them. It's long over, a year now. xmm will have to be honest to her for the first time, I won't do anything to make it look like I have even one emotion for him left. I won't be his scapegoat.

 

XOW is 21 and I guess whatsapp is popular with that generation.

 

You know, don't read too much into her reading your stuff or whatever. It's not really about you or him....it's more the BS. As a BS. I know. I have a weird curiosity about the two women my husband was so enthralled with. What do they have that I don't have? What did he see in theM? The first OW is passed away but I will still look up her ex boyfriends Facebook sometimes (once a year maybe?). She had a four year old at the time she died who I feel so bad for.

 

The recent OW some of it is curiosity and some of it is protection mode too. Just making sure she's staying away. If she moves or finds a new man that makes me feel better

 

And I already know the flaw in that logic. It's my husband, not her. So I know that...but it still makes me feel better to look.

 

Being cheated on does something to you. It makes you a different person. Mostly in negative ways. I don't like the things I do, and am working on them. But I also was never like this before. XOW used to call me crazy all the time, psycho, pathetic. And I'm thinking you don't even know me, I was not like this before this year. This awful person is NOT who I am! Anyone that knows me knows I am kind and sweet and non confrontational.

 

So cut the BS some slack I guess and try to understand from her point of view

[MidnightBlue1980]

XOW is 21 and I guess whatsapp is popular with that generation.

 

You know, don't read too much into her reading your stuff or whatever. It's not really about you or him....it's more the BS. As a BS. I know. I have a weird curiosity about the two women my husband was so enthralled with. What do they have that I don't have? What did he see in theM? The first OW is passed away but I will still look up her ex boyfriends Facebook sometimes (once a year maybe?). She had a four year old at the time she died who I feel so bad for.

 

The recent OW some of it is curiosity and some of it is protection mode too. Just making sure she's staying away. If she moves or finds a new man that makes me feel better

 

And I already know the flaw in that logic. It's my husband, not her. So I know that...but it still makes me feel better to look.

 

Being cheated on does something to you. It makes you a different person. Mostly in negative ways. I don't like the things I do, and am working on them. But I also was never like this before. XOW used to call me crazy all the time, psycho, pathetic. And I'm thinking you don't even know me, I was not like this before this year. This awful person is NOT who I am! Anyone that knows me knows I am kind and sweet and non confrontational.

 

So cut the BS some slack I guess and try to understand from her point of view

 

I wasn't beating up on his BS. You misunderstand me. If she wants to look at me on social media, that is okay. I use it all for work, so it is all very vanilla. I am not in contact with him and I won't be. She has nothing to fear from me. I am out.

 

I do admit to looking at my H's xOW on Instagram as she has it open but I am moving on from all this drama. I want to leave all these characters behind as 2017 approaches.

[aileD]

I wasn't beating up on his BS. You misunderstand me. If she wants to look at me on social media, that is okay. I use it all for work, so it is all very vanilla. I am not in contact with him and I won't be. She has nothing to fear from me. I am out.

 

I do admit to looking at my H's xOW on Instagram as she has it open but I am moving on from all this drama. I want to leave all these characters behind as 2017 approaches.

 

Sorry didn't mean to insinuate you were. Forgot about New Years resolutions. I think I will make some changes for me too, maybe delete whatsapp

[MidnightBlue1980]

Sorry didn't mean to insinuate you were. Forgot about New Years resolutions. I think I will make some changes for me too, maybe delete whatsapp

 

If you don't use it, I agree. There is nothing healthy about doing that. It only keeps the past alive in the present.

 

I've spent 2 years on all this. 2 years I can't get back. Personally I am going to try and really move on, cut everything and everyone out that is a trigger. Make big changes in my life. I don't want to be here in Dec 2017.

[Lion Heart]

I think you have to weigh your whole relationship, not just the affair part of it. For us, there was more good than bad and a decent base to build on.

 

The wind is fresh, but it will heal. There will always be a scar but that doesn't mean it's not worth it. Scars fade with time and don't take up so much of your body's energy.

 

But here you are still in angst and rightly so.

 

This is a scar for you that IS taking up SO MUCH of your energy. I totally get that.

 

It had been mine too....until I decided on D.

Then the relentless surgery is over lol.

 

Living with a person who had so deeply betrayed me and my family on every level was not worth the life sentence indicated by couples here still "dealing" after decades.

 

The funny thing is that I was worried that I'd be lonely after separation.

 

It was FAR lonelier IN the M than out of it hands down.

 

I never get lonely now! Lol. I'm at peace. It's serene! and any triggers diminished exponentially soon after I got him out of the house:-). But I did work very hard in preparation for separation.

 

I'm attending free courses here for domestic violence.

An affair is Sexual Abuse in marraige.

And I'm joyfully working now (where triggers constantly barraged me post D Day) with no triggers at all. Yay.

 

There are so many free courses here for self development that I'm really excited and so so grateful to be attending.

 

I can't say that I pity betrayed spouses that stay beyond D Day.

But I question their views of their own self worth.

Not for long lol.

 

Every person makes their own decisions. More or less.

Some people are simply on auto pilot, reacting to fear mostly IMO. Sometimes FOO issues or perceived societal pressures. Fear paralyzes a person. Often makes them stay in abusive situations.

 

It's wonderful being almost completely fear free.

Now my Will is complete and the children will not go to exWH, should I die earlier than I hope lol, I must say that my last major fears are gone.

 

The joy, freedom and peace is heavenly.

 

Lion Heart

[aileD]

But here you are still in angst and rightly so.

 

This is a scar for you that IS taking up SO MUCH of your energy. I totally get that.

 

It had been mine too....until I decided on D.

Then the relentless surgery is over lol.

 

Living with a person who had so deeply betrayed me and my family on every level was not worth the life sentence indicated by couples here still "dealing" after decades.

 

The funny thing is that I was worried that I'd be lonely after separation.

 

It was FAR lonelier IN the M than out of it hands down.

 

I never get lonely now! Lol. I'm at peace. It's serene! and any triggers diminished exponentially soon after I got him out of the house:-). But I did work very hard in preparation for separation.

 

I'm attending free courses here for domestic violence.

An affair is Sexual Abuse in marraige.

And I'm joyfully working now (where triggers constantly barraged me post D Day) with no triggers at all. Yay.

 

There are so many free courses here for self development that I'm really excited and so so grateful to be attending.

 

I can't say that I pity betrayed spouses that stay beyond D Day.

But I question their views of their own self worth.

Not for long lol.

 

Every person makes their own decisions. More or less.

Some people are simply on auto pilot, reacting to fear mostly IMO. Sometimes FOO issues or perceived societal pressures. Fear paralyzes a person. Often makes them stay in abusive situations.

 

It's wonderful being almost completely fear free.

Now my Will is complete and the children will not go to exWH, should I die earlier than I hope lol, I must say that my last major fears are gone.

 

The joy, freedom and peace is heavenly.

 

Lion Heart

 

I'm happy for you lion heart. It's good to have peace and I understand your reasoning. I wouldnt want to be here decades. It's only been four months (on xmas) since affair officially ended and NC began. So I don't have any illusions that things will be easy or pain free this early on. I know that it can take a long time to rebuild your relationship and recover from the betrayal and I'm willing to do the work and H is too.

 

I'm far from miserable. Yes I have triggers and go thru periods of anxiety and worry but I don't see that as abnormal this early in recovery. I share here because I'm not really a journal writer but sometimes it's nice to write it out and learn from others experiences. I don't mean to seem like I'm complaining because I'm not. Our marriage was in complete shambles. Crash and burn. But something happened. And we were both able to see that maybe it's not time to throw in the towel yet. That the affair was more about what was lacking in our marriage than not loving each other or wanting to spend life together. We are learning the tools to communicate our need and wants better in the marriage and so far it's going well.

 

The scar will always be there but the wound won't always be so open. Some people have the ability to forgive and get through being betrayed and some people don't. Doesn't make either one better than the other it's just something in you. I respect both people.

Edited December 10, 2016 by aileD

[ShatteredLady]

My husband also cheated & then did it AGAIN over a decade later. How do you convince yourself that you're not going to be back here in another decades time? That's one of the things that I'm really struggling with.

 

The first time was a bloody nightmare. It nearly killed me. My H knew all that. Knowing the utter destruction that infidelity inflicts I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy!! I keep thinking HOW? WHY? At the lowest point in my life when I desperately needed him my husband invited it all back in!! Sometimes I think that he must of loathed me!!

[aileD]

My husband also cheated & then did it AGAIN over a decade later. How do you convince yourself that you're not going to be back here in another decades time? That's one of the things that I'm really struggling with.

 

The first time was a bloody nightmare. It nearly killed me. My H knew all that. Knowing the utter destruction that infidelity inflicts I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy!! I keep thinking HOW? WHY? At the lowest point in my life when I desperately needed him my husband invited it all back in!! Sometimes I think that he must of loathed me!!

 

That is a concern of course! And it must be worse with yours because it was the same woman!. I can't imagine.

 

I know that the first time, we did not deal with anything the way we should have. we had a 2 and 4 year old and just went on with our life... This time 12 years later we have more resources and more support to draw from. So that gives me hope

[Mrs. John Adams]

My husband also cheated & then did it AGAIN over a decade later. How do you convince yourself that you're not going to be back here in another decades time? That's one of the things that I'm really struggling with.

 

The first time was a bloody nightmare. It nearly killed me. My H knew all that. Knowing the utter destruction that infidelity inflicts I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy!! I keep thinking HOW? WHY? At the lowest point in my life when I desperately needed him my husband invited it all back in!! Sometimes I think that he must of loathed me!!

 

SL...I do not know how you have peace after two affairs with the same woman a decade apart. I do not know what your husband could possibly say or do to assure you it will never happen again. Even if he did all of the right things...transparency, therapy, lie detector test, pre nuptual agreement....how can you convince yourself that he truly does not care for her? Especially when he not only lied the first time...but now he has lied with the same woman again.

 

How do you come to terms with that kind of betrayal? I don't know. Where is your line? I crossed my husbands line...and he gave me another chance. If I did it again would he forgive me yet again? There is a huge part of me that says no he would not....and I certainly am not going to find out.

 

There are so many questions you have to be asking yourself....and yet...there are no answers. If you were healthy....would you take him back? and what is it you need from him to give you assurance? and has he in any way indicated he will do whatever you need?

 

I can tell you this about myself...if i asked him to jump through hoops for me because that's what i needed....and if he in any way made me feel badly for asking....I would be DONE. But what is right for me is not necessarily right for you....

 

I pray for you daily my love....for your health....for your children....and for peace....you so deserve to feel at peace...and I wish I knew how to give it to you. Your husband...is the only one that can. I ask you....is he willing to do whatever it takes?

[ladydesigner]

It was FAR lonelier IN the M than out of it hands down.

 

I never get lonely now! Lol. I'm at peace. It's serene! and any triggers diminished exponentially soon after I got him out of the house:-).

The joy, freedom and peace is heavenly.

 

Lion Heart

 

Yes yes and yes Lion Heart I feel exactly the same. Life has not changed since my Stbxwh has left the house. I was LONELY in the M. It is peaceful and serene and for that I am thankful.

[ladydesigner]

My husband also cheated & then did it AGAIN over a decade later. How do you convince yourself that you're not going to be back here in another decades time? That's one of the things that I'm really struggling with.

 

The first time was a bloody nightmare. It nearly killed me. My H knew all that. Knowing the utter destruction that infidelity inflicts I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy!! I keep thinking HOW? WHY? At the lowest point in my life when I desperately needed him my husband invited it all back in!! Sometimes I think that he must of loathed me!!

 

(((ShatteredLady))) you may surprise yourself one day. If your WH doesn't step up to the plate and do what is necessary for you to heal I feel you will know when you are done. Some can get over this stuff and others can't and we all heal differently. I wish you peace and serenity!

[Mrs. John Adams]

(((ShatteredLady))) you may surprise yourself one day. If your WH doesn't step up to the plate and do what is necessary for you to heal I feel you will know when you are done. Some can get over this stuff and others can't and we all heal differently. I wish you peace and serenity!

 

I agree...when she is done she will make that decision...and it is totally hers to make.

[seren]

Time is a great healer, but it cannot and IMHO, should not erase the affair completely. In the early days after D Day I would find it popped into my head when least expected, I would literally have to go to the bathroom and heave or vomit as it made me feel sick to my stomach. The loss of trust or blind faith had a huge effect, I thought I knew this man, I trusted him to have my back and that took some time to adjust to. I tended to ball everything up into one huge snowball of bad stuff, it felt like it was rilling down a hill, picking up everything bad that had happened in my life until I found it hard to separate bad childhood, SA, illness etc into one unmanageable ball of chaos and pain. I changed how I dealt with it, I have always faced problems head on and I saw the fallout of affair as something I needed to manage rather than have it manage me.

 

As time went on I could drive past the motel where a few hours on a Saturday afternoon were spent, I could walk into it, from becoming my imagined love nest I saw it for the sleazy, down at heel place it was. While there I saw the affair people and was glad I saw that. I asked and was told what I needed to know to make sense of what H's affair was, it wasn't what I thought an affair was. I realised it had nothing in common with what he and I had for such a long time and now have again. It wasn't what I would find acceptable or desirable. It demystified it, it made it real and it let me understand the nature of it. That stopped an awful lot of mind movies and imaginings.

 

As time went on, it became background noise rather than a full orchestra. We worked on us and our relationship and marriage, we addressed issues we needed to address, H went for counselling to help him deal with PTSD and combat stress,, I went to some with him and from that we understood the why of the affair. I too went onto social media to try to understand who this woman was, what it was about her and by association, what there was about me that H felt he had to have an A. It helped, it helped me to gain some perspective and to stop beating myself up about not being 'good enough'.

 

We are 9 yrs from D Day, it hasn't been easy, the first 4 years were hard as it would settle, then something would trigger a thought and it would pop back into my life, I hated that, I hated thinking about things I didn't want to, but we addressed this as it came up. It was never about the OW it was all about us. Gradually the time between thinking and it popping up became less and less as we got on with life, we changed, we communicated better and we didn't sweep anything under the carpet. I stayed for love, not financial security, fear, children any of the things we are often accused of staying for, it was because I loved and I thought long and hard about whether that was enough to ride it out. I would stay for nothing less. We are at a place in our lives where we are very happy, I cannot imagine life without H, nor he me. I could have walked away, started afresh, found someone new, but, I balanced what the A was, what our marriage was, H's efforts to get help, my changes too and it was a no brainer. I would have missed H every day, I couldn't love anyone more, he is the beat of my heart and I his. Walking away might have been easier, but staying was better.

 

It can take over and it never goes away, but it becomes like a scar, when I look back I see how far we have come, how our lives changed so much because of the fallout, but we have a far stronger relationship and it was strong before. The hardest part is seeing H feel less than the man he was before and that is a work in progress, I don't think having an affair defines a person, the mantra once a cheater always a cheater is crap, as far as I am concerned. Our relationship isn't so good because of the A, but despite it. It only takes over your life if you let it, look it in the face, see it for what it was, at some point it gets relegated to that was then, this is now. It is a natural part of the grieving, learning process. xx

[aileD]

Excellent post seren. Thank you, it helps to hear this

[understand50]

Past affairs, be it from the WS side, or the BS side, stay in a marriage. Time does not erase that "Fact" of it, nor does it stop the hurt and pain for both spouses. One lives with that they were betrayed, and the other lives with the fact they inflected such hurt and and on the person they love.

 

For a "reconciliation" over the long term, both must acknowledge that the "fact" of the affair never goes away. Be it a ONS, Fling, or LTA. How a couple handles the "fact" of the affair, is the tell if the marriage can go on and continue, or will end. Each couple is different, and each marriage handles this in their own way. Sometimes, staying together is compromise, done for financial convenience, or for the kids . Sometimes, the compromise can leads to a better loving marriage. Sometime, it all falls apart. Marriage is a journey, and infidelity, is a huge hit along the way.

 

It has been over 40 year sense my G/F, now wife, cheated on me. It still hurts, but the "Fact" of her betrayal, is dulled by the good life, and birth of our children and grandchildren. She can never take away what she did, but she can be a good wife and mother, and she has been. One of the things we promised each other when we first decided to try and make it, was that I would not use the "fact" against her. I forgave, she "reformed" and we would try and leave this in he past. For the most part it remains in the past.

 

It does come out, with other marital cruises. It can become the 1000 pound weight when other things happens, and colors other hurts and pains. It takes energy to keep it in the past where, for us, it belongs. That is why, infidelity, no matter what side you are on, can take over your life. It is a weight on a marriage that will always remains, and must be dealt with from time to time. Sometimes it is my wife, looking at all the "Crap" that she has piled, up and asking is the latest thing, the last straw for us? Sometimes it me, just triggering, and knowing she cheated. I have no regrets, that I stayed with my wife, and we made a life together. The fact we love each other has let us weather this, and will continue to let us face and overcome all that life still has to deal us.

 

aileD, you are just beginning. What life has in store for you, is yet to unfold. The love you must have for you "man" must be endless. I hope it is enough. As for this taking over your life, it does, in that the "Fact" of it will never go away, but you can chose to use it to make your marriage better, yourself better, and maybe help your husband to became a better man. Acknowledge your strength in going trough this, and your determination in keeping your family together, despite the horrific behavior of your husband. After what you have been trough and how you handled yourself, do you really doubt your ability to persevere and come out to a better place? With the grit you have shown, better times are before you, with or with out your husband.

 

I wish you luck.....

[Deeplyhurt30]

There is some really great information in this topic. I myself have been feeling so consumed with the affair, even though it has been exposed . I do in many ways feel some degree of relief for that. My husband and I have been together for 15 years (married 10) and with every fiber in my body I love him. The love I feel for him has been the main reason of me wanting stay..not kids, not financial reasons, or any of that other stuff. All I have ever known in life is tied to him in some shape or form. We have both hurt each other- mine almost 9 years ago and his 2 years ago. I just recently found out about his last month. There are so many bad days right now that any ray of light that shines through I desperately want to feel. I know this is because it is fresh. It is encouraging to see others on here that have made it through such tough times and came out stronger. That is what we both want as well. I think all this time I having been searching for ways of making it go away when in reality it never will. I understand that now that it has happened to me. I understand that my way of helping my husband "heal" all those years ago werent enough-or wasnt the ways he needed. it couldnt have been with his affair happening two years ago. I desperately want to recover from all of this --when we talk neither of us can picture our lives apart or with other people. But there are so much trust issues we have created by our pasts. I pray that our love will bring us out stronger than before. That is what I feel I am hanging on to each day. That is my light in all of the darkness around me. I struggle daily feeling as though a part of me has died. That I just want something, anything to make me feel alive.

[ShatteredLady]

I often wonder if it's somehow 'easier' if the BS was also a WS at some point in the relationship or does the guilt, self-inflicted pain of knowing that you did it too add yet another layer of pain?

[Mrs. John Adams]

I often wonder if it's somehow 'easier' if the BS was also a WS at some point in the relationship or does the guilt, self-inflicted pain of knowing that you did it too add yet another layer of pain?

 

SL...do you mean that it is somehow easier for the WS to "get over" a revenge affair making them a BS?

 

I can answer this for myself. I had an affair...very brief... one sexual encounter. Two years later...my husband had an affair...very brief...no sexual intercourse.

 

He was not able to move on from my affair quickly at all....I was able to move on from his affair quite quickly.

 

Why? Because even though it was his decision to cheat...I still felt ultimately responsible for his mindset. I also think because my affair included intercourse and his did not ..it was easier for me to process.

 

We are also very different in personality. I am emotional...he is analytical. I am an optimist....he is a pessimist. I have had trauma in my life ...he has not. So I think I tend to "bury" things in order to move past them. It is easy for me to pretend it did not happen....and he cannot do that at all.

 

There are those here who will disagree with me of course....I am strictly speaking for me.

 

I hope this answers your question.