Takes over your life

[ShatteredLady]

One of the worst tragedies of our marriage is, I DID GET-OVER INFIDELITY!! I truly did! 12 years ago I learnt many lessons. The hardest was that I am a woman who can be abused & not leave! I never understood why any woman would stay....

 

I believed at the time that my husband was having a mental break. Before then he had been the kindest most gentle, compassionate person I had ever met. For well over 10 years he had never said a cruel word to me even in an argument. I won't list the horrific things that he put me through. The 'evil' things he said.

 

We went through tragic & amazingly joyful things in those 12 years. I wouldn't of agreed with those who say it never goes away because it truly did for me. I forgave & almost forgot. I understood. He was messed-up & broken. He was on medications. I made a lot of excuses. We grew, we changed, I healed.

 

12 years later he lay working by my bedside when I was recovering from life-saving surgery. He had to be close to me! He talked about how I had to slowdown. How he needed to take better care of me & I needed to take better care of myself. Within MONTHS his ex OW sent a LinkedIn message that just said, "Hi!". It took him a week to reply & when he did it was a slushy, emotionally manipulative message to pull her in. Back in to our lives!! He took a week to make the conscious choice to destroy me & our love story!!!

 

After over 25 years of what he called "Our Former Magical Life" in the forum post he used to declare he was contemplating divorcing his "burden of a crippled wife". Yes!! He never expressed the slightest dissatisfaction with our relationship & then blindsided me in a bloody FORUM POST!! It would be almost funny if it wasn't so tragic & cruel.

 

At my weakest, most vulnerable time in my life he went from "I couldn't live if I lost you" too utter contempt & cruelty in mere months. How can I ever feel safe & secure again? I HATE THIS!!!

[MidnightBlue1980]

One of the worst tragedies of our marriage is, I DID GET-OVER INFIDELITY!! I truly did! 12 years ago I learnt many lessons. The hardest was that I am a woman who can be abused & not leave! I never understood why any woman would stay....

 

I believed at the time that my husband was having a mental break. Before then he had been the kindest most gentle, compassionate person I had ever met. For well over 10 years he had never said a cruel word to me even in an argument. I won't list the horrific things that he put me through. The 'evil' things he said.

 

We went through tragic & amazingly joyful things in those 12 years. I wouldn't of agreed with those who say it never goes away because it truly did for me. I forgave & almost forgot. I understood. He was messed-up & broken. He was on medications. I made a lot of excuses. We grew, we changed, I healed.

 

12 years later he lay working by my bedside when I was recovering from life-saving surgery. He had to be close to me! He talked about how I had to slowdown. How he needed to take better care of me & I needed to take better care of myself. Within MONTHS his ex OW sent a LinkedIn message that just said, "Hi!". It took him a week to reply & when he did it was a slushy, emotionally manipulative message to pull her in. Back in to our lives!! He took a week to make the conscious choice to destroy me & our love story!!!

 

After over 25 years of what he called "Our Former Magical Life" in the forum post he used to declare he was contemplating divorcing his "burden of a crippled wife". Yes!! He never expressed the slightest dissatisfaction with our relationship & then blindsided me in a bloody FORUM POST!! It would be almost funny if it wasn't so tragic & cruel.

 

At my weakest, most vulnerable time in my life he went from "I couldn't live if I lost you" too utter contempt & cruelty in mere months. How can I ever feel safe & secure again? I HATE THIS!!!

 

I am assuming it was not LS forum. Is that how you found out he had started back up with the OW?

 

That is pretty awful but not that surprising. Stories are all over here of men who have A while their wives are sick or pregnant.

 

You can feel safe and secure but not with him. With the next guy perhaps.

[ShatteredLady]

I am assuming it was not LS forum. Is that how you found out he had started back up with the OW?

 

That is pretty awful but not that surprising. Stories are all over here of men who have A while their wives are sick or pregnant.

 

You can feel safe and secure but not with him. With the next guy perhaps.

 

 

No, it was my chronic pain forum. He posted & waited 3 days for me to read it. It talked about wanting to chase "Love, Romance & Adventure" & being stuck in a blah boring, miserable life with his burden of a sick wife & kids. He adamantly, vehemently, passionately denied that he'd even looked at another woman. It was all MY fault for being so awful.

 

I then spent 9 months trying to be the perfect wife while he treated me with utter contempt. I was told I was on trial. If I could do the right things I could save my family BUT he refused to tell me what I was doing wrong or what the 'right things' were "..because if I loved him I would know! If he had to tell me I would only be doing it because he told me to."

 

I only knew OW was involved when I found the receipts etc for our Mother's Day flowers. It was a 'buy 1 get 1 of LESSER VALUE 1/2 price'. Guess who was lesser value? Her card said "To the Best Mother in the World. All my love X". Mine said "from X & kids". Ugh!! I so look forward to Mother's Day now!!!

 

I get bored of myself telling the story. "Don't be sick!!" "OK dearest!"

[merrmeade]

Sorry, SL, I had to retract my "Like" by the time I got to the end of your first post up there. It just seemed disrespectful; your pain and his cruelty were so palpable.

[aileD]

SL

 

Are things different now? If not, why do you stay?

[ShatteredLady]

We've moved back to England & we're living with my parents. It's a HUGE life changing choice. As long as I don't mention the HUGE elephant that's still crushing me everything's hunky dory.

 

I don't know!

 

I'm completely overwhelmed. It's taking everything that I've got just to get out of bed each day. I think I've reached the point that I've got to just change me. The dream is dead & buried. If he can't give me what I need then I either suck it up & rugsweep or make plans for another life.

 

I'd love nothing more than to have a 'real' marriage where we can talk about things, where I can have faith again but I don't think that's ever going to happen for me.

Day to day pleasantries & closeness only with friends is more than a lot of people have. It's just so very sad that this is life now when it could of been so very different. I'm terminally sad & I don't think they offer surgery for that!

 

Things might change as we settle back at home. We haven't even sold our 'dream house' in Texas yet. It's still very early days in our new life. My H gave-up his career & 'successful' life in USA to come home with me & the kids. That's a lot.

 

Maybe I need to suck-it-up & become a different, cynical, colder person? Make do with what I have. Be happy & pleasing. Exist? Many do. Maybe it's just my great expectations that are crippling me now.

[Mrs. John Adams]

We've moved back to England & we're living with my parents. It's a HUGE life changing choice. As long as I don't mention the HUGE elephant that's still crushing me everything's hunky dory.

 

I don't know!

 

I'm completely overwhelmed. It's taking everything that I've got just to get out of bed each day. I think I've reached the point that I've got to just change me. The dream is dead & buried. If he can't give me what I need then I either suck it up & rugsweep or make plans for another life.

 

I'd love nothing more than to have a 'real' marriage where we can talk about things, where I can have faith again but I don't think that's ever going to happen for me.

Day to day pleasantries & closeness only with friends is more than a lot of people have. It's just so very sad that this is life now when it could of been so very different. I'm terminally sad & I don't think they offer surgery for that!

 

Things might change as we settle back at home. We haven't even sold our 'dream house' in Texas yet. It's still very early days in our new life. My H gave-up his career & 'successful' life in USA to come home with me & the kids. That's a lot.

 

Maybe I need to suck-it-up & become a different, cynical, colder person? Make do with what I have. Be happy & pleasing. Exist? Many do. Maybe it's just my great expectations that are crippling me now.

 

Great expectations do not equal reality. Dreams are good.. but they are not real.

Real life is wonderful but there are moments that really suck.

 

Let me just say this one thing. For many years I had a vision of what I wanted my husband to become. I was young and childish and immature.

 

A really good thing that happened to me was almost losing him...you know why? Because it was a really good dose of reality and I knew that I needed to love him just the way he is and accept him just the way he is and stop hoping that someday he would change to become my "Vision" of what I thought he should be. I embraced the parts of Him I did not understand. I came to see how he fit me perfectly. While we are very different ... we love those differences and that's what makes us unique.

 

Your husband is not the man you thought he was. He has shown you that "love stories" and "dream homes" are full of flaws just like everybody else's.

 

You have said over and over again you lost your love story... and now you have lost your dreAm home... and I would challenge you on this. Did you lose your love story? Or did it just turn out differently than you imagined it would. And a dream house is not the home... the home is the people who live in it and share the laughter and the tears.

 

You have now seen your husband for who he is... flaws and ugliness... good and bad. The Question is do you still love him and if the answer is yes .. then your love story is not lost. It is forever changed but it is still there. Will you choose to nurture the love story back to a happy place or will you continue to spiral downward and grow further apart and kill the love you have for each other?

 

Your husband gave up his home and his job and has returned to England. If that does not say to you that you still have a love story ... I don't know what it says.

 

Instead of looking at everything negatively ... instead of weeping over what should have been... are you throwing away the opportunity to rewrite this love story to have a happy ending?

 

It's not the ending you thought it might be... neither is mine. But I would not trade my love story for any Disney love story in the world.

 

My love story has some ugly parts... because life has ugly parts.. but in the end of my love story... they live happily ever after.

 

Happily ever after is a choice... what do you choose? To work on the happily ever after? And your love story? Or to continue down this road to destruction.

 

Either way... the choice is yours. Either way you take back your power and do something. Two years in this uncertainty and limbo is not making things better.

 

If you no longer love him... just the way he is... if you don't still see what drew you to Him in the first place... then get off the merry go round.

 

But if you love him...then get busy writing that love story.

Edited December 19, 2016 by Mrs. John Adams

[aileD]

I came across this quote and it's something that I have to keep telling myself during recovery. I figured I'd share it:

 

"They don't hate you. They hate themselves for how they treated you. Deep down inside they know what they did was wrong. It was never really about you. It was about them. Something missing in them. It was always about them"

 

I struggle every day with the things I did wrong in this marriage and trust me there were a lot of them. But it still didn't give him the right to cheat. There were other options than to totally destroy my heart and soul. There is something wrong with him that he could do that to me.

 

I find now in recovery that a lot of the times when accusations come from him, it's to hide the fact that he's ashamed of what he did. It's a classic move. Deflection as to not have to feel shame and hurt

 

Tonight our son didn't shut off the bathroom light. I called him back in and asked him to. He scoffed and told me "well (sister) never shuts off he light!" I called him out on that deflection then later pointed out to my H that he needs to fix that because our son is doing it too.

 

Recovery sucks and isn't easy. I'm not giving up but there are so many ups and downs. I thought when the A stopped we would get off the roller coaster but we just got on a different one.

 

It's not my fault he cheated on me. It's not my fault. And it wasn't yours either.

 

Cheers

[RecentChange]

Ouch, I couldn't imagine having a spouse deflect on you like that.

 

I tell my husband I hate what I have done. I hate how I have made him feel. I can't stand that I have done things I regret, and in times act out in ways I regret.

 

And I try to tell him it's not his fault any time he tries to take some of the blame.

 

It helps, some days I still feel like a piece of S**** but most days are bright.

[elaine567]

I find now in recovery that a lot of the times when accusations come from him, it's to hide the fact that he's ashamed of what he did. It's a classic move. Deflection as to not have to feel shame and hurt

 

 

Is it? Or does he actually blame you?

[LargoLagg]

it's not necessarily your fault, but I don't think that's always true.

 

Sometimes, and this is probably painful to admit, s/he may have met someone much more suitable as a partner. A lot depends on the circumstances under which you got married, and under which they met. Every situation is different, although they all probably fit a pattern.

 

I'm not saying it is right to cheat, but I don't think you can always assume they did the wrong thing for them. It may have just been the wrong thing to do to you, or maybe, just the wrong way to do it.

[BetrayedH]

it's not necessarily your fault, but I don't think that's always true.

 

Sometimes, and this is probably painful to admit, s/he may have met someone much more suitable as a partner. A lot depends on the circumstances under which you got married, and under which they met. Every situation is different, although they all probably fit a pattern.

 

I'm not saying it is right to cheat, but I don't think you can always assume they did the wrong thing for them. It may have just been the wrong thing to do to you, or maybe, just the wrong way to do it.

 

Nah. It's just wrong. Period.

[wmacbride]

We've moved back to England & we're living with my parents. It's a HUGE life changing choice. As long as I don't mention the HUGE elephant that's still crushing me everything's hunky dory.

 

I don't know!

 

I'm completely overwhelmed. It's taking everything that I've got just to get out of bed each day. I think I've reached the point that I've got to just change me. The dream is dead & buried. If he can't give me what I need then I either suck it up & rugsweep or make plans for another life.

 

I'd love nothing more than to have a 'real' marriage where we can talk about things, where I can have faith again but I don't think that's ever going to happen for me.

Day to day pleasantries & closeness only with friends is more than a lot of people have. It's just so very sad that this is life now when it could of been so very different. I'm terminally sad & I don't think they offer surgery for that!

 

Things might change as we settle back at home. We haven't even sold our 'dream house' in Texas yet. It's still very early days in our new life. My H gave-up his career & 'successful' life in USA to come home with me & the kids. That's a lot.

 

Maybe I need to suck-it-up & become a different, cynical, colder person? Make do with what I have. Be happy & pleasing. Exist? Many do. Maybe it's just my great expectations that are crippling me now.

The real you is still in there, though she's been pushed down so far it's hard to see her. Give her some encouragement. Get out and do the things ( in as much as you can) that bring you joy and pleasure that don't involve your spouse. Once you are settled in, try and volunteer in your community, make new friends, join a club, do something-anything- to take the steps you need to find yourself.

It's not about your husband, or your marriage or anything but relearning to be happy.

I once read an article where a neurologist was describing how the brain lays down neural pathways, and they can become very entrenched. If you are always being hit with one stressor after another, and if you are always in pain physically or mentally, your brain forms those neural pathways and you end up stuck in sadness, and the cycle goes on. It saps you strength and time, making the hole even deeper.

 

Give yourself a hand up and start making your happiness more of a priority. These are not not selfish or self centered pleasures that will hurt others= in fact, a happier you will be wonderful for your family too. You are allowed to enjoy life, even if all that means is on one day is to spend some time smelling the flowers or walking by the sea, on the next you go for coffee with a friend, the next you go to a movie you've always wnated to see, the next a walk in woods or relax on a park bench while you feed the birds and so on and so on and so on.

 

Give yourself permission to be happy:)

Edited December 29, 2016 by wmacbride

[merrmeade]

it's not necessarily your fault, but I don't think that's always true.

 

Sometimes, and this is probably painful to admit, s/he may have met someone much more suitable as a partner. A lot depends on the circumstances under which you got married, and under which they met. Every situation is different, although they all probably fit a pattern.

 

I'm not saying it is right to cheat, but I don't think you can always assume they did the wrong thing for them. It may have just been the wrong thing to do to you, or maybe, just the wrong way to do it.

Who´s on first?

[wmacbride]

it's not necessarily your fault, but I don't think that's always true.

 

Sometimes, and this is probably painful to admit, s/he may have met someone much more suitable as a partner. A lot depends on the circumstances under which you got married, and under which they met. Every situation is different, although they all probably fit a pattern.

 

I'm not saying it is right to cheat, but I don't think you can always assume they did the wrong thing for them. It may have just been the wrong thing to do to you, or maybe, just the wrong way to do it.

 

While it's possible for someone to meet another person they feel is better suited to them, it's what they do about it that counts.

 

An adult finishes one relationship before starting another. Someone who is emotionally immature wants both. They want they new relationship plus the secure, solid and reliable one they already have. If that spouse is honest, they likely won't be able to have both, so they lie and cheat. If they are caught, rather than face the fact that they screwed up, they will blame anyone and everyone else they think they can, rather than accept responsibility for what they have done all on their own.

 

This is what some people can;t seem to understand. It's not the feeling of being attracted to someone else that is the issue. It's what the ws does about those feelings that matter. He or she always has choices, and if one of those was to have an affair, that is 100% on them.

[waterwoman]

it's not necessarily your fault, but I don't think that's always true.

 

Sometimes, and this is probably painful to admit, s/he may have met someone much more suitable as a partner. A lot depends on the circumstances under which you got married, and under which they met. Every situation is different, although they all probably fit a pattern.

 

I'm not saying it is right to cheat, but I don't think you can always assume they did the wrong thing for them. It may have just been the wrong thing to do to you, or maybe, just the wrong way to do it.

 

I agree with the thrust of your point - sometimes a marriage isn't going to work because the two people in it don't really fit together or aren't prepared to do is needed to make it work. I still maintain that cheating isn't just the wrong way to change this situation, it's just wrong, cruel and cowardly.

 

And whatever the truth of the matter 'it's not necessarily your fault, but I don't think that's always true' is utterly irrelevant. Cheating is never the fault of the betrayed.

[Ahurtgirl]

I could easily have had a revenge affair. But at the end of the day, I am better than that. His affair made me lean into my faith in God. I will say that for me divorce is still an option.

 

It is your faith in God that will help you through this, no matter what the final outcome. I have read a well known quote, "Cheating is God's way of telling you to move on." and in parts of the bible, it is the one highlighted reason that God actually does okay divorce. You definitely do have the option to divorce and God does justify that choice. What I see happen all to often, is that men tend to cheat again, but wait it settles down at home or when his wife doesn't meet his needs in someway again, he will fall back into the pattern but he will be more careful the next time around. My xMM started using fake names and even though he was immensely sorry after d day and loves his wife, (you'd never guess this guy cheated on her with two long term affairs - she chose to believe it was only me he had been with), if things ever start to not go well for them, I have no doubt he will cheat again. He comes across as this amazing husband, involved dad with his kids sports, he is close to his dad and tries to be over the top affectionate, but he is selfish. I have seen his dark side, which rare that it shows but I think his wife would be truly smart, for herself and her kids to divorce to save herself more heartache in the future.

You need to decide if you can go through this again in the future. He may have promised to never talk to his xOW (the one you know about, there may have been more), but it doesn't mean there won't be a new OW or already could be but he is smarter now and won't risk having it be the same OW.

How much pain and suffering are you wanting to put yourself and your kids through? Even if they don't know about the affair, they can still tell when a parent is hurting. Is repeating that healthy for the kids or would it protect them more if you divorced?

[Ahurtgirl]

Another question to ask yourself is if you want to waste what is left of your youth on a man who cheated?

I had an employee who found out her husband cheated on her the first time when she was in her late 30's. Fast forward into her 60's and she once again found out he was cheating. He cheated on her for over 25 years off and on throughout their marriage. He was this really sweet guy and you would have never guessed he cheated after he was caught the first time because she described how much better their marriage became and how remorseful he was on how bad he felt for hurting her and their kids.. and so on, only to have started a new affair some years later. Her words of advise to anyone who has a husband who cheated (and this was a very successful, smart, caring, and understanding woman), was to be done with the marriage the first sign of cheating because she had lost so much time believing he had changed and had lost her youth on him instead of with someone who deserved her love and effort she put into trying to save her marriage.

Decide how much do you want to lose in your lifetime if you chose to stay.

[ladydesigner]

Another question to ask yourself is if you want to waste what is left of your youth on a man who cheated?

I had an employee who found out her husband cheated on her the first time when she was in her late 30's. Fast forward into her 60's and she once again found out he was cheating. He cheated on her for over 25 years off and on throughout their marriage. He was this really sweet guy and you would have never guessed he cheated after he was caught the first time because she described how much better their marriage became and how remorseful he was on how bad he felt for hurting her and their kids.. and so on, only to have started a new affair some years later. Her words of advise to anyone who has a husband who cheated (and this was a very successful, smart, caring, and understanding woman), was to be done with the marriage the first sign of cheating because she had lost so much time believing he had changed and had lost her youth on him instead of with someone who deserved her love and effort she put into trying to save her marriage.

Decide how much do you want to lose in your lifetime if you chose to stay.

 

Yep isn't that the truth!

[ladydesigner]

The real you is still in there, though she's been pushed down so far it's hard to see her. Give her some encouragement. Get out and do the things ( in as much as you can) that bring you joy and pleasure that don't involve your spouse. Once you are settled in, try and volunteer in your community, make new friends, join a club, do something-anything- to take the steps you need to find yourself.

It's not about your husband, or your marriage or anything but relearning to be happy.

I once read an article where a neurologist was describing how the brain lays down neural pathways, and they can become very entrenched. If you are always being hit with one stressor after another, and if you are always in pain physically or mentally, your brain forms those neural pathways and you end up stuck in sadness, and the cycle goes on. It saps you strength and time, making the hole even deeper.

 

Give yourself a hand up and start making your happiness more of a priority. These are not not selfish or self centered pleasures that will hurt others= in fact, a happier you will be wonderful for your family too. You are allowed to enjoy life, even if all that means is on one day is to spend some time smelling the flowers or walking by the sea, on the next you go for coffee with a friend, the next you go to a movie you've always wnated to see, the next a walk in woods or relax on a park bench while you feed the birds and so on and so on and so on.

 

Give yourself permission to be happy:)

 

I think this should be a sticky for EVERY BS. It took me forever to see and implement this because for the longest time I actually believed I may have helped cause the A and so I was doing the whole 'people pleasing' thing to my WH at my expense When I finally started focusing solely on myself and NOT my WH is when real change started happening and real healing in myself. I think whether we decide to stay or leave we have to make ourselves the priority post infidelity.

Edited December 29, 2016 by ladydesigner

[BTDT2012]

It is your faith in God that will help you through this, no matter what the final outcome. I have read a well known quote, "Cheating is God's way of telling you to move on." and in parts of the bible, it is the one highlighted reason that God actually does okay divorce. You definitely do have the option to divorce and God does justify that choice. What I see happen all to often, is that men tend to cheat again, but wait it settles down at home or when his wife doesn't meet his needs in someway again, he will fall back into the pattern but he will be more careful the next time around. My xMM started using fake names and even though he was immensely sorry after d day and loves his wife, (you'd never guess this guy cheated on her with two long term affairs - she chose to believe it was only me he had been with), if things ever start to not go well for them, I have no doubt he will cheat again. He comes across as this amazing husband, involved dad with his kids sports, he is close to his dad and tries to be over the top affectionate, but he is selfish. I have seen his dark side, which rare that it shows but I think his wife would be truly smart, for herself and her kids to divorce to save herself more heartache in the future.

You need to decide if you can go through this again in the future. He may have promised to never talk to his xOW (the one you know about, there may have been more), but it doesn't mean there won't be a new OW or already could be but he is smarter now and won't risk having it be the same OW.

How much pain and suffering are you wanting to put yourself and your kids through? Even if they don't know about the affair, they can still tell when a parent is hurting. Is repeating that healthy for the kids or would it protect them more if you divorced?

 

My WH is not your xMM. Our children are adults, and they know about the affair. He has done an amazing amount of work to address his issues, he doesn't blame me for his affair. I'm not young, so 'wasting my youth' isn't an issue:) What is best for me is my priority. And he knows that after all we've been though, any suspicion of cheating will result in divorce. That is why I say divorce is an option.

[Lovedawg]

Another question to ask yourself is if you want to waste what is left of your youth on a man who cheated?

I had an employee who found out her husband cheated on her the first time when she was in her late 30's. Fast forward into her 60's and she once again found out he was cheating. He cheated on her for over 25 years off and on throughout their marriage. He was this really sweet guy and you would have never guessed he cheated after he was caught the first time because she described how much better their marriage became and how remorseful he was on how bad he felt for hurting her and their kids.. and so on, only to have started a new affair some years later. Her words of advise to anyone who has a husband who cheated (and this was a very successful, smart, caring, and understanding woman), was to be done with the marriage the first sign of cheating because she had lost so much time believing he had changed and had lost her youth on him instead of with someone who deserved her love and effort she put into trying to save her marriage.

Decide how much do you want to lose in your lifetime if you chose to stay.

 

These words are the truth. I discovered that my wife was cheating after we had been married for 8 months. She begged for forgiveness and ended the affair. I then found out through the evidence I had, that she'd been with several others since we had begun seeing each other. I'm now suspicious of her every move, her conversations with others and her whereabouts when she's away.

In being proactive, I've actually uncovered new affairs and been able to end them before they began.

It's exhausting.

Like the quote above, I believe in marriage and I love my wife, but I'm acutely aware that my life is slipping away and it's far too short to life in the situation I find myself in.

[wmacbride]

I think this should be a sticky for EVERY BS. It took me forever to see and implement this because for the longest time I actually believed I may have helped cause the A and so I was doing the whole 'people pleasing' thing to my WH at my expense When I finally started focusing solely on myself and NOT my WH is when real change started happening and real healing in myself. I think whether we decide to stay or leave we have to make ourselves the priority post infidelity.

 

Exactly.

I was a mess after my former ws cheated, but he was gone and I had to help myself if I was going to be able to be there for my kids. They needed me so much, as their dad was gone and they were really afraid for him ( he was deployed to afghanistan).

 

As my mom, who was always very pragmatic, told me, it's like being on plane when the oxygen mask drops down. You have to help yourself first before you will be bale to help anyone else.

[BTDT2012]

These words are the truth. I discovered that my wife was cheating after we had been married for 8 months. She begged for forgiveness and ended the affair. I then found out through the evidence I had, that she'd been with several others since we had begun seeing each other. I'm now suspicious of her every move, her conversations with others and her whereabouts when she's away.

In being proactive, I've actually uncovered new affairs and been able to end them before they began.

It's exhausting.

Like the quote above, I believe in marriage and I love my wife, but I'm acutely aware that my life is slipping away and it's far too short to life in the situation I find myself in.

What work has your wife done to become a safe partner? Why do you want to live this way? You deserve better.

[BTDT2012]

We've moved back to England & we're living with my parents. It's a HUGE life changing choice. As long as I don't mention the HUGE elephant that's still crushing me everything's hunky dory.

 

I don't know!

 

I'm completely overwhelmed. It's taking everything that I've got just to get out of bed each day. I think I've reached the point that I've got to just change me. The dream is dead & buried. If he can't give me what I need then I either suck it up & rugsweep or make plans for another life.

 

I'd love nothing more than to have a 'real' marriage where we can talk about things, where I can have faith again but I don't think that's ever going to happen for me.

Day to day pleasantries & closeness only with friends is more than a lot of people have. It's just so very sad that this is life now when it could of been so very different. I'm terminally sad & I don't think they offer surgery for that!

 

Things might change as we settle back at home. We haven't even sold our 'dream house' in Texas yet. It's still very early days in our new life. My H gave-up his career & 'successful' life in USA to come home with me & the kids. That's a lot.

 

Maybe I need to suck-it-up & become a different, cynical, colder person? Make do with what I have. Be happy & pleasing. Exist? Many do. Maybe it's just my great expectations that are crippling me now.

 

For once in your life, make yourself the priority. Don't worry about him or the marriage. Be selfish. Take advantage of the fact that you are on your turf. Figure out whether you can have the life that you deserve/want with him. (((hugs))))