Takes over your life

[BTDT2012]

I think one of the biggest tragedies of adultery is how I can change a BS FOREVER! It's so hard to not become cynical. Does everyone do it eventually if they have the opportunity? I used to believe categorically "NO!" now I'm not so sure.

 

People say that it's a good thing to learn that no-one can ever be trusted 100%. What a sad, sad thought.

 

It makes me cringe when people quote, "A man is only as faithful as his opportunities!" hate it!!!

 

When I was leaving America & having my last appointment with my doctor he said a few things that broke my heart. He was very sensitive to me for everything THEN at the end of our talk he disclosed that he was now taking a medication that can cause cancer to stop his pain. He joked "Whatever! If it happens I'll live out my days on some exotic island surrounded by 19 year old hotties!". He's married with 3 kids. Lovely!! I have zero sense of humor about that crap now.

 

Is THAT what all men feel deep down inside? I sometimes wish I was a lesbian (more male jokes! Eye roll!) but I bet they cheat & rip hearts out too!!

 

I KNOW that there are moral, loyal & decent people in this world but the day I married I truly believed to my core that I was marrying a man who could never intentionally hurt me in any way. He was so gentle I didn't think he could hurt anyone. Now he tells me to "Shut the f**k-up!" if I cry & say something too close to the bone. Am I complicit in that? When you've been together all your lives you're as influential in the 'Nurture' of your partner as their parents are!

 

Good times

This makes me so angry! I would like to take a 2x4 to him.

[BTDT2012]

I'm so glad I never got married, LS is so full of affair stories you could drown in them.

 

I have no sympathy for cowardly cheaters or for the people who put up with them. It's a waste of your precious life. after a cheater enters the picture their lives stop as they become consumed by the drama. So how much time has been wasted either sneaking around with someone else or sitting at home sick with suspicion?

 

I would never let anyone waste my time with this garbage. Nobody in the world is worth it.

 

Some things have to be experienced to be understood. I always thought that I would leave immediately if I were ever cheated on.

[BTDT2012]

One of the worst tragedies of our marriage is, I DID GET-OVER INFIDELITY!! I truly did! 12 years ago I learnt many lessons. The hardest was that I am a woman who can be abused & not leave! I never understood why any woman would stay....

 

I believed at the time that my husband was having a mental break. Before then he had been the kindest most gentle, compassionate person I had ever met. For well over 10 years he had never said a cruel word to me even in an argument. I won't list the horrific things that he put me through. The 'evil' things he said.

 

We went through tragic & amazingly joyful things in those 12 years. I wouldn't of agreed with those who say it never goes away because it truly did for me. I forgave & almost forgot. I understood. He was messed-up & broken. He was on medications. I made a lot of excuses. We grew, we changed, I healed.

 

12 years later he lay working by my bedside when I was recovering from life-saving surgery. He had to be close to me! He talked about how I had to slowdown. How he needed to take better care of me & I needed to take better care of myself. Within MONTHS his ex OW sent a LinkedIn message that just said, "Hi!". It took him a week to reply & when he did it was a slushy, emotionally manipulative message to pull her in. Back in to our lives!! He took a week to make the conscious choice to destroy me & our love story!!!

 

After over 25 years of what he called "Our Former Magical Life" in the forum post he used to declare he was contemplating divorcing his "burden of a crippled wife". Yes!! He never expressed the slightest dissatisfaction with our relationship & then blindsided me in a bloody FORUM POST!! It would be almost funny if it wasn't so tragic & cruel.

 

At my weakest, most vulnerable time in my life he went from "I couldn't live if I lost you" too utter contempt & cruelty in mere months. How can I ever feel safe & secure again? I HATE THIS!!!

What did he do to address his issues the first time?

[ShatteredLady]

What did he do to address his issues the first time?

 

To be honest...nothing! It was a long time ago. It never occurred to me to look for help. It never even occurred to me to search for more evidence. I truly believed that he was having a mental break. I was beyond blindsided. He was my best friend. We had grown together, travelled, partied, inseparable.

 

I was completely in shock. I'd given-up everything to move to America for him. I was horrified by his behavior & even more dumbfounded by my own. He did extraordinarily abusive things. I couldn't even start to comprehend. His mother was very sick. They had to stop & restart her heart. I believed that he was having very serious mental health issues & stupidly tried to handle it without realizing that it was changing me.

 

We had been together for maybe 15 years, almost 24/7. We had been married for 6-7 years at most. I really didn't understand what on earth was going on. He was a gentle, hippy, stoner who started working out & calling himself a "Golden God!" as he stood over me. He ripped me to shreds verbally. Once he locked me outside in the snow wearing nothing but a towel (wet from the bath) for hours. Laughed at me when he let me in saying "oops sorry!". He knew what he had done! He left me in a cinema miles from home with no purse, no keys.

 

In hindsight I was abused & broken. I didn't recognize myself. I attempted suicide & started cutting. Things I never imagined possible. None of it seems real to be truthful.

 

Then one Christmas it was over!

 

I discovered the truth that he was having an affair. I knew her. It was rug swept but more like a nightmare. Like it never happened. He was kind. I was traumatized & didn't really understand what had been going on & then the very real nightmares started, parents suicide attempt, his mothers death, my brothers suicide. I was in shock. Numb. He was wonderful. It was like it never happened. A lost year.

 

I don't really understand myself now. It was insane.

 

This time things came flooding back. I reminded him of some of the things he had said & done. He was clearly shocked & cried. I truly believe that he hadn't remembered. Blocked it out?? I don't know.

 

I discovered things about myself I never thought possible. I learnt that I wasn't who I had believed myself to be. I know why women stay, abuse themselves, it was like a year long drug trip. Nothing REAL at all.

 

Finding forums has taught me so much but I still don't really understand how or why I lived through it. I guess I thought that I was strong enough to deal with it, isolated in a foreign country. Then I was in desperate trouble but too far gone. I had no-one around to notice that I was loosing myself & my sanity. I can't really explain it.

 

He reverted to my lovely, gentle hippy husband. Over the years he did bring it up when it was relevant...friends divorces etc & apologized, concerned that I was triggering but I wasn't.

 

Writing this makes me realize how crazy I must be.

 

What on earth is wrong with me?

Edited December 30, 2016 by ShatteredLady

[ladydesigner]

ShatteredLady may I ask if your relationship was close with your father?

[BTDT2012]

To be honest...nothing! It was a long time ago. It never occurred to me to look for help. It never even occurred to me to search for more evidence. I truly believed that he was having a mental break. I was beyond blindsided. He was my best friend. We had grown together, travelled, partied, inseparable.

 

I was completely in shock. I'd given-up everything to move to America for him. I was horrified by his behavior & even more dumbfounded by my own. He did extraordinarily abusive things. I couldn't even start to comprehend. His mother was very sick. They had to stop & restart her heart. I believed that he was having very serious mental health issues & stupidly tried to handle it without realizing that it was changing me.

 

We had been together for maybe 15 years, almost 24/7. We had been married for 6-7 years at most. I really didn't understand what on earth was going on. He was a gentle, hippy, stoner who started working out & calling himself a "Golden God!" as he stood over me. He ripped me to shreds verbally. Once he locked me outside in the snow wearing nothing but a towel (wet from the bath) for hours. Laughed at me when he let me in saying "oops sorry!". He knew what he had done! He left me in a cinema miles from home with no purse, no keys.

 

In hindsight I was abused & broken. I didn't recognize myself. I attempted suicide & started cutting. Things I never imagined possible. None of it seems real to be truthful.

 

Then one Christmas it was over!

 

I discovered the truth that he was having an affair. I knew her. It was rug swept but more like a nightmare. Like it never happened. He was kind. I was traumatized & didn't really understand what had been going on & then the very real nightmares started, parents suicide attempt, his mothers death, my brothers suicide. I was in shock. Numb. He was wonderful. It was like it never happened. A lost year.

 

I don't really understand myself now. It was insane.

 

This time things came flooding back. I reminded him of some of the things he had said & done. He was clearly shocked & cried. I truly believe that he hadn't remembered. Blocked it out?? I don't know.

 

I discovered things about myself I never thought possible. I learnt that I wasn't who I had believed myself to be. I know why women stay, abuse themselves, it was like a year long drug trip. Nothing REAL at all.

 

Finding forums has taught me so much but I still don't really understand how or why I lived through it. I guess I thought that I was strong enough to deal with it, isolated in a foreign country. Then I was in desperate trouble but too far gone. I had no-one around to notice that I was loosing myself & my sanity. I can't really explain it.

 

He reverted to my lovely, gentle hippy husband. Over the years he did bring it up when it was relevant...friends divorces etc & apologized, concerned that I was triggering but I wasn't.

 

Writing this makes me realize how crazy I must be.

 

What on earth is wrong with me?

Nothing is wrong with you. I do recommend that you schedule an appointment with an IC. Your husband should do the same. i am so sorry that you went through all of that.

[ShatteredLady]

You know 'those' lists of the most stressful & psychologically hard experiences that one can experience? I've been through nearly all of them & many rare so they don't even think of them in the last couple of years.

 

By nature I'm a people pleaser, passive "Anything for a quiet life", happy, laid back, easy going. I analyse situations & hardly ever loose my temper or react out of spite. It's just too many straws on this camels back. I'm overwhelmed but I'm ticking things off one by one.

 

I manage my health & my chronic pain to the best of my ability. Moving back from the USA after 18 years takes away many of the enormous stresses & gives me a support system, a social network. England has free health care & many benefits I can apply for if needed. At the moment the logistics are terrifying but it's getting done. After a week on the market we just accepted an offer on our USA house.

 

I have a list of clubs & activities to join both independently, with kids & as a family. I have plans for every weekend in January. Keeping busy!! I'm working my way through my book list, both self-help & recreational. AND I have a long list of New Years resolutions to tackle everything else I can think of.

 

I'm doing ok....or at least planning to!!!

 

It's just sometimes the triggers & the overwhelming sense of panic envelopes me. Everything's going to be ok....better than ok!! I just loose the plot on occasion.

 

Given everything I've been through in the last 2 years I finally believe that I'm surfacing. Ok, I believe that I can think & plan my way out of anything & that's been a fault in the past. I've lost myself but at least, deep down inside, I know who I am.

 

It's tragically sad that my husband has done the things he's done BUT he's not ME!! It's not my fault. I've reached the end of my rope. If he even slightly does it again he's gone!! I have the support & ability to cope now. NEVER AGAIN will I tolerate being treated as 'less'. NEVER!!!!

 

It's nearly 2017. A new year & a new start!! If I say it ENOUGH & with enough conviction it will become true!!!

 

I firmly believe that if I hadn't been recovering from agonizing surgery & heavily medicated (& tons of stress) I would of known what was happening & reacted differently. Too late for if's & but's. No more woulda, coulda, shoulda!!

Edited December 30, 2016 by ShatteredLady