Takes over your life

[Deeplyhurt30]

to me, it in a lot of ways adds another layer of pain to the marriage because its another stab in itself. a different time in your life when you feel you made it out of something so horrible- but here we are again, just reversed. i have learned though that you can not compare them. hurt is hurt and cheating is cheating. I will say that forgiving him may be coming a little easier because I have seen he loved me enough to forgive me all those years ago. with all of that being said...it is still so hard--because its almost like if you knew what it felt like, how could you bring that to our marriage again--this many years later, and now that we have children---its a feeling I have because I was the first one that in a lot of ways it is in effect of my wrong doings. I dont completely blame myself, but there is a part of me that definitely thinks he used the past to justify in his mind. Do i think this is right on his part? no. but in all honesty i know the past crossed his mind. I just thought i had taken all of the right steps to assure him of my regret-i thought we were building a better life.

[Mrs. John Adams]

to me, it in a lot of ways adds another layer of pain to the marriage because its another stab in itself. a different time in your life when you feel you made it out of something so horrible- but here we are again, just reversed. i have learned though that you can not compare them. hurt is hurt and cheating is cheating. I will say that forgiving him may be coming a little easier because I have seen he loved me enough to forgive me all those years ago. with all of that being said...it is still so hard--because its almost like if you knew what it felt like, how could you bring that to our marriage again--this many years later, and now that we have children---its a feeling I have because I was the first one that in a lot of ways it is in effect of my wrong doings. I dont completely blame myself, but there is a part of me that definitely thinks he used the past to justify in his mind. Do i think this is right on his part? no. but in all honesty i know the past crossed his mind. I just thought i had taken all of the right steps to assure him of my regret-i thought we were building a better life.

 

The question I asked myself over and over again after my husband had his revenge affair is this one...

 

If I had not had my affair would he have had his?

 

The answer in our relationship was NO...he would not have. His affair was absolutely related to mine.

 

This does not excuse his choice...it does not make what he did ok. But it puts his affair into perspective. I had destroyed his self esteem...I had said things that cut him to the bone.

 

He purposely set out to find the prettiest girl...because i had said my om was very handsome....he made out with her and STOPPED before intercourse...because i had said I could not stop.

 

His affair was on purpose...and was strictly to prove to himself that he could find someone else and he was lovable....

 

I also believe it was to prove the very same things to me. He could have had his affair and never told me....I would never have known. I think he told me just so I would know that he was desirable and there were other fish in the sea.

 

Which is exactly why it is called a revenge affair or a reactive affair.

[aileD]

I don't have experience being a WS so I can't say for sure. But if I think about a revenge affair I think that would hurt my husband more. Because I know what I went through. I know what cheating did to me inside. If you've never Been involved in an affair from any perspective , it's hard to see what damage it will cause for real..,.but I've been there. I've been destroyed. To have an affair knowing exactly what it was going to do to my husbands soul and STILL do it would be so much worse to me I think.

 

Which is why his second affair hit me so hard that I was unable to function in life. How could he do this knowing what it did to my soul last time? I'm surprised I made it out alive, let alone stayed with him.

 

That said I think once you bring an affair as an option in your marriage it's easier to get back there if oh don't really really consciously work on it. You always here people say "divorce isn't an option in our marriage we will work thru everything". But once divorce becomes an option? I think it's more likely to happen.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I don't have experience being a WS so I can't say for sure. But if I think about a revenge affair I think that would hurt my husband more. Because I know what I went through. I know what cheating did to me inside. If you've never Been involved in an affair from any perspective , it's hard to see what damage it will cause for real..,.but I've been there. I've been destroyed. To have an affair knowing exactly what it was going to do to my husbands soul and STILL do it would be so much worse to me I think.

 

Which is why his second affair hit me so hard that I was unable to function in life. How could he do this knowing what it did to my soul last time? I'm surprised I made it out alive, let alone stayed with him.

 

That said I think once you bring an affair as an option in your marriage it's easier to get back there if oh don't really really consciously work on it. You always here people say "divorce isn't an option in our marriage we will work thru everything". But once divorce becomes an option? I think it's more likely to happen.

 

It's amazing that my husband and I were able to survive the avalanche we had caused in our relationship.

 

And I would like to offer words of encouragement and hope...it took us a very long time to remove "divorce" as an option... I think it's alway there in the back of your mind when you are working so hard to repair the destruction infidelity caused.

 

But I can tell you... divorce is no longer an option.. it is no longer a choice... it is not even a possibility. Neither is cheating.

 

We have both experienced the devastation... and there is no way I ever want to go through that again.... on either side.

 

I know some folks cheat and don't learn a thing from it ... and repeat it again.

I have a dear friend that just cannot get himself straightened out and it breaks my heart because I don't only fear the end of his marriage ... I actually fear for his life. You cannot keep screwing around over and over again without eventually paying the piper.

 

So there are exceptions ... there are people who just don't understand the pain they cause...

 

But in my optimistic self... I like to think there are those who do understand what they have done... become better people ... and never do it again.

[ShatteredLady]

Oh 12 years between affairs with the SAME woman is a killer. He says "but I chose you! I chose you the first time when we didn't have kids!". That doesn't help at all. He chose me when he asked me out, he chose me when he proposed & made his wedding vows, he chose me when we had children.

 

I don't know! I feel like I'm getting worse not better but that might be my health & insane stress. I just can't cope at all!! It's awful. How any human being can do this to another is beyond me.

[elaine567]

I don't have experience being a WS so I can't say for sure. But if I think about a revenge affair I think that would hurt my husband more. Because I know what I went through. I know what cheating did to me inside. If you've never Been involved in an affair from any perspective , it's hard to see what damage it will cause for real..,.but I've been there. I've been destroyed. To have an affair knowing exactly what it was going to do to my husbands soul and STILL do it would be so much worse to me I think.

 

But is that not the whole point of the revenge affair.

"YOU did this to ME, so I will do this to YOU and see how YOU like it"

[aileD]

But is that not the whole point of the revenge affair.

"YOU did this to ME, so I will do this to YOU and see how YOU like it"

 

 

Yeah I get it....it's just not who I am. Which is probably why I never had an affair lol

[BTDT2012]

I could easily have had a revenge affair. But at the end of the day, I am better than that. His affair made me lean into my faith in God. I will say that for me divorce is still an option.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I could easily have had a revenge affair. But at the end of the day, I am better than that. His affair made me lean into my faith in God. I will say that for me divorce is still an option.

 

Everyone could probably have an RA

 

But thankfully they don't. I am very glad you turned to God instead of another man.

 

Divorce always remains an option I guess... I said earlier it was no longer an option for me...

 

But I suppose it could forever be one for my husband...and rightfully so.

[ladydesigner]

Oh 12 years between affairs with the SAME woman is a killer. He says "but I chose you! I chose you the first time when we didn't have kids!". That doesn't help at all. He chose me when he asked me out, he chose me when he proposed & made his wedding vows, he chose me when we had children.

 

I don't know! I feel like I'm getting worse not better but that might be my health & insane stress. I just can't cope at all!! It's awful. How any human being can do this to another is beyond me.

 

(((ShatteredLady))) You are still processing what happened. One day you may just feel like you have had enough. I hope your WH is doing the work, mine did not and then didn't treat me very respectfully either and all this led to me being DONE.

 

Hang in there recovery from this insanity is so so hard it tests every coping skill we have or don't have.

[frigginlost]

(((ShatteredLady))) You are still processing what happened. One day you may just feel like you have had enough. I hope your WH is doing the work, mine did not and then didn't treat me very respectfully either and all this led to me being DONE.

 

Hang in there recovery from this insanity is so so hard it tests every coping skill we have or don't have.

 

The processing is without a doubt the longest and hardest part. It's been years since it happened to me and I still "reflect" back at times. The utter soul wrenching pain is very hard to overcome. But, it does get better.

 

Worst trigger I ever had was 4 months after I found out about the cheating. We were sitting for dinner and she put plates on the table. The plates she used were the ones that led to me finding out about her cheating. The OM had actually posted a picture of his dinner he was having on his twitter account. I recognized those plates and the rest is history.

 

I think back and plates were the last thing I ever thought would be a trigger. Man, was I wrong. Triggers will happen for many years and many times. I feel for anyone who has been cheated on.

[Mrs. John Adams]

The processing is without a doubt the longest and hardest part. It's been years since it happened to me and I still "reflect" back at times. The utter soul wrenching pain is very hard to overcome. But, it does get better.

 

Worst trigger I ever had was 4 months after I found out about the cheating. We were sitting for dinner and she put plates on the table. The plates she used were the ones that led to me finding out about her cheating. The OM had actually posted a picture of his dinner he was having on his twitter account. I recognized those plates and the rest is history.

 

I think back and plates were the last thing I ever thought would be a trigger. Man, was I wrong. Triggers will happen for many years and many times. I feel for anyone who has been cheated on.

 

Yes even 33 years later. There is an active thread here in infidelity about the wayward continuing to work with the ap... and it has almost crippled me because I know how much it is hurting my husband.

 

Memories flood back in even when you think they won't.

 

My question is.. if you divorce.. do they stop? Or do they happen regardless?

If my husband had divorced me would the triggers have gone away... ?

 

Should everybody just divorce and be done with it? Does divorce solve anything?

 

Ugh... I am in a bad mindset today... sorry

[frigginlost]

Yes even 33 years later. There is an active thread here in infidelity about the wayward continuing to work with the ap... and it has almost crippled me because I know how much it is hurting my husband.

 

Memories flood back in even when you think they won't.

 

My question is.. if you divorce.. do they stop? Or do they happen regardless?

If my husband had divorced me would the triggers have gone away... ?

 

Should everybody just divorce and be done with it? Does divorce solve anything?

 

Ugh... I am in a bad mindset today... sorry

 

No, divorce or not they do not stop. In my particular case our relationship ended because she stopped trying to fix what she had broke. And she quit trying extremely early (within 6 months of d-day). In your case I have no doubt you did absolutely everything right after d-day. 33 years later says a ton. I would think that with that time amount under the belt, any flashbacks your husband may get are more or less just that; a flash. Not much emotion tied to them.

[aileD]

The processing is without a doubt the longest and hardest part. It's been years since it happened to me and I still "reflect" back at times. The utter soul wrenching pain is very hard to overcome. But, it does get better.

 

Worst trigger I ever had was 4 months after I found out about the cheating. We were sitting for dinner and she put plates on the table. The plates she used were the ones that led to me finding out about her cheating. The OM had actually posted a picture of his dinner he was having on his twitter account. I recognized those plates and the rest is history.

 

I think back and plates were the last thing I ever thought would be a trigger. Man, was I wrong. Triggers will happen for many years and many times. I feel for anyone who has been cheated on.

 

I hope you smashed those plates

[ShatteredLady]

I think one of the biggest tragedies of adultery is how I can change a BS FOREVER! It's so hard to not become cynical. Does everyone do it eventually if they have the opportunity? I used to believe categorically "NO!" now I'm not so sure.

 

People say that it's a good thing to learn that no-one can ever be trusted 100%. What a sad, sad thought.

 

It makes me cringe when people quote, "A man is only as faithful as his opportunities!" hate it!!!

 

When I was leaving America & having my last appointment with my doctor he said a few things that broke my heart. He was very sensitive to me for everything THEN at the end of our talk he disclosed that he was now taking a medication that can cause cancer to stop his pain. He joked "Whatever! If it happens I'll live out my days on some exotic island surrounded by 19 year old hotties!". He's married with 3 kids. Lovely!! I have zero sense of humor about that crap now.

 

Is THAT what all men feel deep down inside? I sometimes wish I was a lesbian (more male jokes! Eye roll!) but I bet they cheat & rip hearts out too!!

 

I KNOW that there are moral, loyal & decent people in this world but the day I married I truly believed to my core that I was marrying a man who could never intentionally hurt me in any way. He was so gentle I didn't think he could hurt anyone. Now he tells me to "Shut the f**k-up!" if I cry & say something too close to the bone. Am I complicit in that? When you've been together all your lives you're as influential in the 'Nurture' of your partner as their parents are!

 

Good times

[Mrs. John Adams]

I think one of the biggest tragedies of adultery is how I can change a BS FOREVER! It's so hard to not become cynical. Does everyone do it eventually if they have the opportunity? I used to believe categorically "NO!" now I'm not so sure.

 

People say that it's a good thing to learn that no-one can ever be trusted 100%. What a sad, sad thought.

 

It makes me cringe when people quote, "A man is only as faithful as his opportunities!" hate it!!!

 

When I was leaving America & having my last appointment with my doctor he said a few things that broke my heart. He was very sensitive to me for everything THEN at the end of our talk he disclosed that he was now taking a medication that can cause cancer to stop his pain. He joked "Whatever! If it happens I'll live out my days on some exotic island surrounded by 19 year old hotties!". He's married with 3 kids. Lovely!! I have zero sense of humor about that crap now.

 

Is THAT what all men feel deep down inside? I sometimes wish I was a lesbian (more male jokes! Eye roll!) but I bet they cheat & rip hearts out too!!

 

I KNOW that there are moral, loyal & decent people in this world but the day I married I truly believed to my core that I was marrying a man who could never intentionally hurt me in any way. He was so gentle I didn't think he could hurt anyone. Now he tells me to "Shut the f**k-up!" if I cry & say something too close to the bone. Am I complicit in that? When you've been together all your lives you're as influential in the 'Nurture' of your partner as their parents are!

 

Good times

 

I believe that infidelity changes who you are as a person...wayward or betrayed...and it certainly changes who you are as a couple.

 

and I don't necessarily think it changes you for the better. So I cringe when i hear people say our marriage is better than ever...after infidelity. Our marriage is good..but what would it have been had we both been faithful?

 

I am a better person today than I was when I committed adultery....but what would i have been if I had not committed adultery?

 

It's a lifetime of change...and we can certainly learn from it.

 

John and I are better partners...we never take each other for granted....and we make sure the other one knows how much they are treasured....but we both wish that we could just go back and do it all over and skip the ugly parts.

 

It changes you forever...it remains forever...and like Frigginlost said...whether you reconcile or divorce...it still becomes a part of who you are.

 

I don't want to end this post negatively...We are very happy...and very blessed. It isn't a constant companion that dominates your every thought. This does get better with time. But man...when it rears its ugly head...those feelings come rushing back in and remind you that it will never go away.

 

SL...there are so many things wrong with what you wrote...and it is hard for me to read them and think that i too was as ugly and vile as your husband. I pray for you daily...that someday...he will treasure you the way i treasure my john..and that he will see exactly what he has done. I hope you either have the patience to allow him to grow in his knowledge and remorse as my john did...or I hope you finally say ENOUGH. Either way I just wish you peace love. You deserve it.

[ladydesigner]

I think one of the biggest tragedies of adultery is how I can change a BS FOREVER! It's so hard to not become cynical. Does everyone do it eventually if they have the opportunity? I used to believe categorically "NO!" now I'm not so sure.

 

People say that it's a good thing to learn that no-one can ever be trusted 100%. What a sad, sad thought.

 

It makes me cringe when people quote, "A man is only as faithful as his opportunities!" hate it!!!

 

When I was leaving America & having my last appointment with my doctor he said a few things that broke my heart. He was very sensitive to me for everything THEN at the end of our talk he disclosed that he was now taking a medication that can cause cancer to stop his pain. He joked "Whatever! If it happens I'll live out my days on some exotic island surrounded by 19 year old hotties!". He's married with 3 kids. Lovely!! I have zero sense of humor about that crap now.

 

Is THAT what all men feel deep down inside? I sometimes wish I was a lesbian (more male jokes! Eye roll!) but I bet they cheat & rip hearts out too!!

 

I KNOW that there are moral, loyal & decent people in this world but the day I married I truly believed to my core that I was marrying a man who could never intentionally hurt me in any way. He was so gentle I didn't think he could hurt anyone. Now he tells me to "Shut the f**k-up!" if I cry & say something too close to the bone. Am I complicit in that? When you've been together all your lives you're as influential in the 'Nurture' of your partner as their parents are!

 

Good times

 

Yeah mine told me something similar when I was wailing in pain. My stbxwh told me no one cared anymore about how I felt. Still sits with me today that he had absolutely no empathy for me whatsoever!

 

That is wrong just wrong (((SL)))

[ShatteredLady]

Sometimes I fantasies about hurting him, REALLY hurting him, in the hope that he could finally know what it feels like but it wouldn't be the same would it? He's not me with my feelings, my hopes & fears, my dreams shattered.

 

Some feel more than others. Some just aren't capable of looking at another humanbeing with compassion. No matter how hard they try (if they even bother to try) it's always behind the veil of guilt, pride & justifications.

 

People change as they get older. I know that I've become softer & more understanding....That sucks!!! As you can tell I'm not having a particularly good, healthy time. I wish that I could be a shallow and hard [] just to 'show him'. Ugh!

Edited December 18, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language

[heartwhole]

ShatteredLady, your H definitely needs to snap out of his childish, self-centered funk and step up to be a partner worthy of you.

 

To the original post, I recently read this article about the science of resilience. How People Learn to Become Resilient - The New Yorker

 

Towards the end it says, "Human beings are capable of worry and rumination: we can take a minor thing, blow it up in our heads, run through it over and over, and drive ourselves crazy until we feel like that minor thing is the biggest thing that ever happened. In a sense, it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. Frame adversity as a challenge, and you become more flexible and able to deal with it, move on, learn from it, and grow. Focus on it, frame it as a threat, and a potentially traumatic event becomes an enduring problem; you become more inflexible, and more likely to be negatively affected."

 

At this point, 1.75 years after DD, with a lot of work behind us and healing accomplished, I am taking this perspective to heart. I can ruminate on the affair and how I'll never be the only person he ever slept with, or how for a short time he thought he wanted to be with someone else, and I can let it live in my present as though it just happened yesterday. Or I can say, yes, it was awful, and yes, it was wrong, but I accept that it happened, and I look at what I CAN control. I will never say that I'm glad infidelity happened or that IT made us better, but I do say that WE made us better when we dealt with infidelity. I mourn what was lost, but I must accept it to enjoy the many wonderful blessings I do have today.

[frogss29]

Yes even 33 years later. There is an active thread here in infidelity about the wayward continuing to work with the ap... and it has almost crippled me because I know how much it is hurting my husband.

 

Memories flood back in even when you think they won't.

 

My question is.. if you divorce.. do they stop? Or do they happen regardless?

If my husband had divorced me would the triggers have gone away... ?

 

Should everybody just divorce and be done with it? Does divorce solve anything?

 

Ugh... I am in a bad mindset today... sorry

 

I dont see how divorce is easy or the right thing......in my mind, your husband/wife is family. You dont just 'leave' when things go wrong - even AWFUL things.

eg. with your children, do you just cut them off if they do the wrong thing? Even the most VILE things, you still love them. You still support them. Even if you dont agree with what has happened.

And that is how I see life partners....you just dont leave (unless you have to)

Edited December 16, 2016 by frogss29

[Fair]

I'm so glad I never got married, LS is so full of affair stories you could drown in them.

 

I have no sympathy for cowardly cheaters or for the people who put up with them. It's a waste of your precious life. after a cheater enters the picture their lives stop as they become consumed by the drama. So how much time has been wasted either sneaking around with someone else or sitting at home sick with suspicion?

 

I would never let anyone waste my time with this garbage. Nobody in the world is worth it.

[aileD]

I dont see how divorce is easy or the right thing......in my mind, your husband/wife is family. You dont just 'leave' when things go wrong - even AWFUL things.

eg. with your children, do you just cut them off if they do the wrong thing? Even the most VILE things, you still love them. You still support them. Even if you dont agree with what has happened.

And that is how I see life partners....you just dont leave (unless you have to)

 

This is my philosophy and values too. But I've learned that you have to have boundaries and they have to be remorseful and willing to change and do the work to repair the marriage. Otherwise you just become a doormat

[Mrs. John Adams]

I dont see how divorce is easy or the right thing......in my mind, your husband/wife is family. You dont just 'leave' when things go wrong - even AWFUL things.

eg. with your children, do you just cut them off if they do the wrong thing? Even the most VILE things, you still love them. You still support them. Even if you dont agree with what has happened.

And that is how I see life partners....you just dont leave (unless you have to)

 

Yes I agree.. which is why we have been in reconciliation for 33 years. We did not give up despite others who believe we should have.

 

I do not regret keeping on keeping on... not one minute

[MuddyFootprints]

Sometimes I fantasies about hurting him, REALLY hurting him, in the hope that he could finally know what it feels like but it wouldn't be the same would it? He's not me with my feelings, my hopes & fears, my dreams shattered.

 

Some feel more than others. Some just aren't capable of looking at another humanbeing with compassion. No matter how hard they try (if they even bother to try) it's always behind the veil of guilt, pride & justifications.

 

People change as they get older. I know that I've become softer & more understanding....That sucks!!! As you can tell I'm not having a particularly good, healthy time. I wish that I could be a shallow and hard [] just to 'show him'. Ugh!

 

You can be hard [] without being shallow.

Edited December 18, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Language and edit quote

[gettingstronger]

We call it "bamboo shoots"- they just pop up every place- we are nearly 4 years out and it still pops up- I think we both had hoped it wouldn't but a mind is a powerful thing- we are forever changed-

 

The odd thing is, the stronger I feel mentally, the more these little bamboo shoots bother me-its like, oh come on-is this the way its always going to be and if so, is this the life I truly want-

 

I am very open with my husband and I have been pretty clear that although I love him and he has done his part in reconciling I am not 100% convinced that being with him forever is something I can commit to- it upsets him for sure, but deep in his heart he knows I have been to hell and back working on this and at the end when I finally feel really good, I may just say-you know what, the only thing that ties me to this is YOU and I am going to move on in my own way now-