hondababe Posted December 11, 2016 Share Posted December 11, 2016 I went downstairs and he did smash the TV... that's going to be hard to explain to the kids tomorrow. He should have to explain it, not you! I don't often respond to posts on here but I feel bad have to. My ex husband started being violent with a slap across my face. He said he'd never do it again. Each time he did it again it got progressively worse. Then the name calling started. He'd tell me no one else would want me, even the amount of toothpaste I used would pisss him off. I spent 7 years of my life trying everything I could to make myself perfect for him. Until the day he told me he could do whatever he wanted to do. I left. I still loved him, still wanted to be with him. Now I have an amazing job, won the top award in my industry. I paint and sell my artwork, I have been given the chance to work in New York for a year (I'm in the uk). I'm well respected and loved. None of that would have happened if I stayed. I admit, I always thought it was my fault. Until I got a call from his 2nd wife to say she was leaving him due to the same reasons. She has 3 kids to him. She also wishes she got out after the first hit. You need to look after YOU. And I come from a home where my mum left my dad. Looking back, I wish she had done it sooner, would have saved me a lot of issues. Kids can sense what's going on. Don't put your kids through this. I hope you find the strength you need x 7 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted December 11, 2016 Share Posted December 11, 2016 The incidents where he grabbed your face and punched you in the stomach would be hard to prove. But many jurisdictions also consider intentional destruction of marital property to be domestic violence. Personally, I think your H needs to spend a night in the hokie. That's a powerful way to establish a firm boundary. He needs to get that this behavior will not be tolerated and if he doesn't stop, he'll be in jail for longer than a night. Call the cops. Show them the TV. Tell your story. Send the message. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted December 11, 2016 Share Posted December 11, 2016 Why are you defending this coward? Instead of facing his own problems he is taking it out on you. You need to get protective services involved to help protect you and your kids. He is basically keeping you captive in your own home. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted December 11, 2016 Share Posted December 11, 2016 That would explain the acceleration in the decline of both his appearance and self-control. Very true. A confession of drug use changes the whole ball game... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
understand50 Posted December 11, 2016 Share Posted December 11, 2016 I went downstairs and he did smash the TV... that's going to be hard to explain to the kids tomorrow. I think things would be worse if I already am pregnant. While we haven't been actively trying, we haven't been using protection the last few times we've had sex. Heart Broke, You need to keep posting, because if you go quiet, I and many others will think you have been killed, or injured. It is that bad, and you need to take your safety seriously and take action. Someone on drugs, is not the someone you know and love. If you really love him, and want to stay with him, you will use this to get him the help he needs. This is be a long hard road for him, but I have seen several men come back. Do what you know is best for you, your kids, and you husband. In the end, this is the only thing you can do for him right now. Protecting yourself, is also the right thing for you and your kids. As a mother it is your first duty. TAKE ACTION NOW, TODAY, THIS HOUR, MINUTE. Do not waist a second more. I wish you luck....... 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heart broke Posted December 11, 2016 Author Share Posted December 11, 2016 We cleaned up the mess he made last night, and he went and sat on the couch and kept trying to pull me down on him. I finally humored him for a minute and he told me he doesn't love her. I told him I was sorry but with the drugs I just can't. I want to, I really do, but this isn't just about me. If he hadn't been using them and coming around the kids we wouldn't be having these issues. He asked what if he went to counseling, and we did it as a couple as well, and I told him I would think about it. Our daughter called to come home, and he wouldn't give me my keys and insisted we go get her together. The whole way there he had my hand.i would try and get away and he would grab me harder. We got her, came home, and took a nap. That's been my day. Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted December 11, 2016 Share Posted December 11, 2016 Be very, very careful. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted December 11, 2016 Share Posted December 11, 2016 I'm sorry, the drug use would be just the last straw for me. The infidelity and violent behavior would be enough for me to push him out the door... Perhaps you need to think about why that is not the case for you. And, any guy who refuses to give me my car keys and won't let go of my hand when I pull back... Well, that just so controlling... I just don't even know what to say because I would never, ever tolerate that kind of behavior, from anyone... I hope you find the strength to do what you need to do to keep yourself and your kids safe. The fact that you have yet to call the police, you give the drug abuse as the reason you will leave, and you stayed in the home when he held you against your will and raged downstairs makes me believe that you have a hard time leaving and will in fact, go back to this man... For the sake of your children, I hope that I'm wrong. You can't say that you haven't been warned. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted December 11, 2016 Share Posted December 11, 2016 You are playing a dangerous game with him. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heart broke Posted December 11, 2016 Author Share Posted December 11, 2016 If your kids got punched in the stomach by a bully, would you look down on them and judge them thinking they 'provoked' it? Of course not, but I don't think that they'll understand it like that. I am going to leave, or, rather make him leave, but I'm just trying to make sure they don't find out about the affair or him being physical towards me. I don't want them to know and I don't want to cast him in a negative light. I love him. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted December 11, 2016 Share Posted December 11, 2016 "Love" doesn't hurt. It doesn't cheat, hit, threaten, and destroy property... Don't expect this man to say "darling, you are right, we need to live apart," put his keys on the counter, and calmly walk out the door... Given his recent behavior, I would expect the behavior to escalate when he realizes that you want to leave the relationship. Be prepared. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted December 11, 2016 Share Posted December 11, 2016 Of course not, but I don't think that they'll understand it like that. I am going to leave, or, rather make him leave, but I'm just trying to make sure they don't find out about the affair or him being physical towards me. I don't want them to know and I don't want to cast him in a negative light. I love him. Lady, You're trying to protect a guy that actively screwing over your kids and you. He isn't a "little hurting kid." He's AN ADULT trying to control another adult. And succeeding obviously. He's an adult hurting you and outright demeaning the family unit. What is exactly is so prized about "what the kids think of him.' If he was actually worried about " what the kids think" he wouldn't be damaging the TV! Let the kids figure out their own impressions based on his behaviour. My mother tried for YEARS to defend and mask for my father. The only thing it achieved was me hatibg her guts for a long time because she didn't protect us from his bullshyte. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted December 11, 2016 Share Posted December 11, 2016 My husband has put me through real nasty bullshyte. It took me a long time to see him as something other than a "hurting, incapable of dealing with this" kind of person. But THEY ARE CAPABLE. If they are capable of stabbing you in the back and hiding drug use, then he's capable enough to figure out what to do with the consequences of that. Ironically enough, if my husband EVER tried to keep the car keys from meI would have done everything in my legal and not so legal power to get them back YESTERDAY. He would still be wondering how he ended up going through a solid steel door. Now he's already screwed you over. Now he's trying to take your actual FREEDOM. No way! I'd get the cops there pronto to deal with him if you are too scared to do it yourself. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted December 11, 2016 Share Posted December 11, 2016 (edited) So, because we are playing this game... Let's just imagine that your daughter comes to you and tells you that her husband is using drugs, he has cheated on her, he's hit her, he's taken her keys and kept her in the home against her will such that she could not leave to come to you or get help, he's threatened and raged such that there is damage to property... Your daughter tells you that he has yelled at her in front of the kids and there is a risk that he could get physical in front of the kids - or better yet, with the kids. What would you advise your daughter to do? She tells you, "But Mom, I love him. He is a good man. I don't want anyone to know what he has done because I believe that he is a good man. YOU just don't understand..." What would you tell her? Would you want her to stay in the home with this man, to put her life and the lives of your grandchildren at risk? Would you advise her to go back to this unpredictable, violent man and tell him - "I can't do this, I want you to leave..." Would you have any confidence in her safety? What would you tell her to do? Edited December 12, 2016 by BaileyB 4 Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted December 12, 2016 Share Posted December 12, 2016 Please stay strong, make him give your keys back and HE HAS TO LEAVE. He is the one who F'ed up and should bare consequences. Don't leave your home okay? He can go stay with his girlfriend for all I care. And this preventing you from leaving business? It's cLled faulse imprisonment, and he has bo right to do that. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
anna121 Posted December 12, 2016 Share Posted December 12, 2016 Of course not, but I don't think that they'll understand it like that. I am going to leave, or, rather make him leave, but I'm just trying to make sure they don't find out about the affair or him being physical towards me. I don't want them to know and I don't want to cast him in a negative light. I love him. This is a very bad plan. Your kids deserve to know the truth about their lives, and their Dad, when their reality is about to change so radically. This isn't - or shouldn't be - really about how much you love HIM. You don't need to denigrate him to them, but you can give them the dignity and respect of basic honesty. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted December 12, 2016 Share Posted December 12, 2016 The whole way there he had my hand.i would try and get away and he would grab me harder. We got her, came home, and took a nap. That's been my day. Heart broke, I can't help but be curious about your numb passivity, especially given what's at stake. I understand your concern for your kid's emotional health, but their physical safety is also at issue here. And before you say he wouldn't hurt them - didn't you think the same applied to you? Mr. Lucky 9 Link to post Share on other sites
tinkerbell16 Posted December 12, 2016 Share Posted December 12, 2016 I don't want to file a report because I don't want our kids to know. I don't want them to think that about him. I know I should be angry, but I'm not. I'm just sad that my best friend could do that... I'm going through everything in my head that could have led us to this point and I can't think of anything. He keeps texting me asking if I need anything and he's sorry he doesn't know what came over him... I don't think I deserved that. I love him. I don't want to leave him, but I know he'll just keep seeing her. Don't they always? I don't know what I've done to make him want someone else... What have you done to cause this?? NOTHING!!!! Him punching you? NEVER acceptable! He is an abusive piece of crap! 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heart broke Posted December 12, 2016 Author Share Posted December 12, 2016 I think our boy might know. Our little girl bought my husband's story about the TV, but as soon as he told our son he looked at me. Then when I went downstairs our son was right behind me, like he'd been watching for me to go down. He asked me if my husband did anything to me, I just brused it off without answering him. I don't want to lie, but I don't want to tell him either. It really isn't his business, that and I don't want him to worry about it or say anything to his dad. Of course I would tell my children to leave abusive partners. I'm going to as soon as I have a plan that I'm currently working on. It just needs to be realistic. Link to post Share on other sites
aileD Posted December 12, 2016 Share Posted December 12, 2016 Stop crossing oceans for a man who won't walk thru a puddle for you Don't sacrifice your relationship with your kids to protect this man from his own actions You don't want your kids to see you as the mother who abandoned the family for No reason. Let him be responsible for his actions. He should be accountable to his kids 6 Link to post Share on other sites
wmacbride Posted December 12, 2016 Share Posted December 12, 2016 If a woman I knew were in this situation I'd tell her to leave. Which is what I'm looking into right now, but... our babies... I don't want them to know. Not only because I don't want them to think badly of their dad, but I dont want them to think less of me. The fact he hit me, the fact I provoked him enough to hit me... I'm so embarrassed. I don't know how to be without him. He's my life, him and the kids... I've tried to always make sure he has everything I can give him. He's my lover He apologized when he came home and tried to kiss me, but I wouldn't let him. I don't want him to think it's okay, but I just don't want to lose my guy... The thing I just don't know what I've lost to make him act in this way, but he's changed so much. For example the weight gain, and he's not as outgoing as he use to be, and he seems a lot more serious. None of those things are bad, but I was supportive of them, not mean which would maybe lead this to making more sense to me... Stop this right now.Just stop. You didn't make him to any of this. and the reasons why he hit you don't matter, all that matters is that he did. If you love your kids, you will get out now. By staying, you are just showing them that it's okay for a husband to hit his wife. Your feelings for him are irrelevant right now. Put your kids first, and get out.If you don't, it will happen again,or even worse,next time it could be one of your kidst hat he hits. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
cocorico Posted December 12, 2016 Share Posted December 12, 2016 I think our boy might know. Our little girl bought my husband's story about the TV, but as soon as he told our son he looked at me. Then when I went downstairs our son was right behind me, like he'd been watching for me to go down. He asked me if my husband did anything to me, I just brused it off without answering him. I don't want to lie, but I don't want to tell him either. It really isn't his business, that and I don't want him to worry about it or say anything to his dad. Sorry to say, that ship has sailed. He's noticed what's going on, has added the new evidence (the TV and your dodging his question) and he's now worrying more than ever that it's so terrible you can't even tell him. His mind is probably sketching possibilities far more extreme even than what happened. Right now, that kid is terrified. For you, for them, for the future. He may tell his sister or he may think it's his burden to shoulder alone. He is really vulnerable right now - and the more you ignore the situation, the more he feels he has to take on the parent role because his parents aren't up to it (one being the perp, the other the passive victim). You can help him by showing him you're taking charge; by showing him you're not willing to put them and yourself at risk; by showing him that men - even, and especially, men we know and trust, are not allowed to treat women, families and their stuff that way. Phone the police and lay a charge. Seek help from a domestic violence service. Have him evicted from your house, with an emergency interdict to protect yourself, your kids and your stuff. Act now - "realistic" or not (the domestic violence helpline is far better placed tomadvicemon what's realistic than someone unable to think straight in the middle of trauma) - before your son feels compelled to act on your behalf. Because if you don't, he will. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted December 12, 2016 Share Posted December 12, 2016 (edited) Kids are not stupid. They know what's going on in their home. Your son is watching and learning from you right now. It won't be long before your daughter figures things out too. What do you want them to learn? Don't chose to protect your husband, over the health and safety of your kids. Edited December 12, 2016 by BaileyB 8 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted December 12, 2016 Share Posted December 12, 2016 (edited) I think our boy might know. As soon as he told our son he looked at me. Then when I went downstairs our son was right behind me, like he'd been watching for me to go down. He asked me if my husband did anything to me, I just brused it off without answering him. I don't want to lie, but I don't want to tell him either. It really isn't his business, that and I don't want him to worry about it or say anything to his dad. And with that, you have just chosen your husband over your children... You don't want to lie, but you don't want to tell him either. It isn't his business... You don't want him to say anything to his dad. Honey, your son already knows. Actually, he's probably making things up in his little mind right now that are far worse than what actually happened. He's already worried and already taking the role of your, and probably his sister's, protector. The only person who doesn't realize what's going on in your house and how serious this is, is you. Obviously, you will want to talk to your kids in an age-appropriate way. They don't need to know every detail, but they need the truth. They also need reassurance that they (and you) will not be put at risk and that they will be safe. Again, stay and don't tell the kids the truth at your own peril. Your kids will resent you terribly if you don't put there health and safety first and protect them. They will hate you if you raise me in a home that is unpredictable, unstable, and abusive. You have some big decisions to make. Get help. You really need it. Edited December 12, 2016 by BaileyB 4 Link to post Share on other sites
jacxie Posted December 12, 2016 Share Posted December 12, 2016 "Love does not equate pain, true love should never make you cry, insecure, confused or worried - if they are going to be there for you tomorrow. Love is an intense feeling we feel in our hearts, sometimes it so overwhelming that it determins everything we think, feel and do...., to be in love is a very nice feeling, but you were in love before and someone hurt you badly and you just don't want that to happen to you again! Love does not hurt!!! Love does not make you cry, it lifts you up and makes you happy" 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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