Husband is cheating on me

[RecentChange]

How old is your husband? Is he your same age?

 

You go together awfully young. You have never known what is is like be an independent adult. This guy has been with you since you were a child - if fact since you were the same age as your boy.

 

May I point that you have never known anything different. That you have most likely been in a relationship with an abusive power dynamic all of your life and have never known.

 

Have you called the back of your insurance card and asked for the number of a counselor? You need individual counseling, your children need counseling, and you can all get help together.

 

Time to take some steps in turning things better, before your husband pulls you all down the rat hole he single handedly created.

[Mycatsnuggles]

Heart Broke,

 

please call the number above, they can direct you to a local agency for domestic violence(dv). I have worked for dv agencies, they will not judge you, they will not tell you what to do, they will work with you to find the right solutions to your situation. DV agency's offer FREE counseling for both yourself and your children. Many now also offer counseling for the batterer.

 

Please call. You can do so anonymously. DV agencies deal with anyone who feels bullied by their partner, this can be verbally or physically. Its not a stigma. The neighbors will not know you called. They will not force you to leave your spouse. The choices are yours. They are a safe haven for people during trauma. Making the call is the hardest step. 1-800-737-3224

[LexiCat29]

I know I'm being hard on you but it's because I grew up in an abusive household and nobody was there to rescue me. You have a chance to rescue your children and you're not taking it. Instead you're worried about your own embarrassment at not being enough for your husband (whatever that even means..it's not your fault that he cheated, just like it's not your fault that he beats you and keeps you prisoner in your own house).

 

It makes me so sad for your kids. Why won't you protect them? Or yourself?

 

You're a mother. Start acting like one. Be strong for your kids.

[BaileyB]

 

You go together awfully young. You have never known what is is like be an independent adult. This guy has been with you since you were a child - if fact since you were the same age as your boy.

 

May I point that you have never known anything different. That you have most likely been in a relationship with an abusive power dynamic all of your life and have never known.

 

This is absolute truth.

 

You don't know what you don't know if this is all you've ever known, your adult life.

 

And, of course it's terrifying to think of leaving your husband and being on your own when you have really only ever been with him. But, that doesn't mean that you should stay with him and continue to tolerate his abusive behavior.

 

Counselling! Counselling, counselling, counselling....

[ladydesigner]

Your husband in behaving in a terrifying way. He thinks that you are going to try to escape. That's why he wouldn't let you collect your daughter on your own.

 

THIS IS SO DANGEROUS!!!

 

No-one ever believes that it will happen to them.

Does your H have access to a gun?

Why do you refuse to protect yourself & your children?

 

Is he leaving to go to work or is he taking time off to guard you 24/7?

 

Google how many women are KILLED in this situation a year!

 

Wanted to highlight this post again ^^^

 

When I tried to leave my physically abusive exbf he almost killed me. I left after that to a shelter and never looked back.

 

You need to be really careful. I would probably leave without telling him.

[ladydesigner]

Heart Broke your WH is not your best friend and does not love you. A person who resorts to physical violence is none of those things and he cheated on you.

 

You have been brainwashed by an abuser. It is going to take time and effort on your part to untangle that thought process. I would schedule an appointment with a therapist ASAP! I would also contact a women's shelter.

 

You have to think of your children and yourself now. You are borrowing limited time to fix this. You can't see it because you are programmed (by him) to take the blame and the abuse. I can't say this enough that it is not your fault. I believe your children's welfare will become your fault if you decide to stay

 

Please please consider the consequences. Be strong and be brave. Be the role model your children deserve!

[SweetiePi]

Mrs Rubble, I'm proud of you for doing the right thing for your kids and yourself. Am glad you are all doing well now.

 

 

Absolutely true, I had the same experience with my children and ex.

When my ex attacked my oldest son, we had the police come and take him away. The youngest boy suffered behavioural issues was diagnosed with PTSD. The older boy wasn't his and didn't suffer quite as much even though he was the assault victim on the day it ended.

I took them both to counselling as well as my self, 10years later we're all doing ok.

I hate to think what might have happened if we stayed.

 

 

I hope Heart broke takes notice of our posts and personal experiences, before she enables her husband to totally destroy these kids lives.

[LexiCat29]

Heart Broke your WH is not your best friend and does not love you. A person who resorts to physical violence is none of those things and he cheated on you.

 

You have been brainwashed by an abuser. It is going to take time and effort on your part to untangle that thought process. I would schedule an appointment with a therapist ASAP! I would also contact a women's shelter.

 

You have to think of your children and yourself now. You are borrowing limited time to fix this. You can't see it because you are programmed (by him) to take the blame and the abuse. I can't say this enough that it is not your fault. I believe your children's welfare will become your fault if you decide to stay

 

Please please consider the consequences. Be strong and be brave. Be the role model your children deserve!

 

Lets not forget the attempted rape and taking her keys away to keep her captive in her own house. Oh yeah..and the cheating.

[ladydesigner]

Lets not forget the attempted rape and taking her keys away to keep her captive in her own house. Oh yeah..and the cheating.

 

Ugh I know it's heartbreaking to read

[Heart broke]

My husband is four years older than I am. The friend he had the inappropriate conversation with and who introduced him to her is one of his best friends, and someone I met around the same time. *Not excusing the conversation giving context* they have talked like that to each other since I met them. Most of the time it's a joke. However doing it in front of our son isn't okay. As for the drugs, they were wild when we were teens. My husband's very best friend (who we named our son after) committed suicide on drugs and he decided to stop experimenting. That was way before we had children.

 

Tonight I poked around to see what my daughter knows, but I don't think she has any idea. She's a daddy's girl. Is constantly hanging off my husband, and in my opinion craves his attention and approval. I'm closer to our son. So I don't want to ruin that bond. That's another reason why when my son said he should kill himself I told him not to say things like that I don't want her to, either think its bad to love her dad, or tell him my son said that.

 

I got my son into counseling. His first session is on Friday, and I hope it helps him with his anger towards us.

[usa1ah]

God help your son if your husband raises a hand against you in front of him.

[BaileyB]

Tonight I poked around to see what my daughter knows, but I don't think she has any idea. She's a daddy's girl. Is constantly hanging off my husband, and in my opinion craves his attention and approval. I'm closer to our son. So I don't want to ruin that bond. That's another reason why when my son said he should kill himself I told him not to say things like that I don't want her to, either think its bad to love her dad, or tell him my son said that.

 

I got my son into counseling. His first session is on Friday, and I hope it helps him with his anger towards us.

 

And yourself... Have you made an appointment for you to speak with a counsellor? I appreciate the fact that you have made an appointment for your son to see a counsellor... That is very good. But, why are you not seeking counselling for yourself?

 

It feels like you continue to try and normalize your husbands behavior. Your hesitation to seek assistance for yourself is worrisome.

 

And if I may, be careful about asking your son to keep secrets from his sister. You are mistakenly trying to protect your husband, but it places a terrible burden of responsibility on your son.

Edited December 15, 2016 by BaileyB

[LexiCat29]

My husband is four years older than I am. The friend he had the inappropriate conversation with and who introduced him to her is one of his best friends, and someone I met around the same time. *Not excusing the conversation giving context* they have talked like that to each other since I met them. Most of the time it's a joke. However doing it in front of our son isn't okay. As for the drugs, they were wild when we were teens. My husband's very best friend (who we named our son after) committed suicide on drugs and he decided to stop experimenting. That was way before we had children.

 

Tonight I poked around to see what my daughter knows, but I don't think she has any idea. She's a daddy's girl. Is constantly hanging off my husband, and in my opinion craves his attention and approval. I'm closer to our son. So I don't want to ruin that bond. That's another reason why when my son said he should kill himself I told him not to say things like that I don't want her to, either think its bad to love her dad, or tell him my son said that.

 

I got my son into counseling. His first session is on Friday, and I hope it helps him with his anger towards us.

 

What happens when your abusive loser of a husband starts beating your daughter?

[BaileyB]

How are you doing heart broke? How was the counselling session?

[RecentChange]

So you were 16 and he was 20 - and all you have ever known. Some od your posts make it sound like you are still a lost 16 year old.

 

That's great your son is going to counseling - WHAT ABOUT YOU?

 

After all, the reason your son needs counseling is because you have exposed him to a totally unhealthy relationship. What are you doing about that?

 

Without real changes, counseling is worthless - besides perhaps making him understand how F'ed up this situation is, and making him resent you all even more for allowing it to happen and not changing things.

 

How would you feel if your daughter started hanging around an 18 year old, and started seriously dating him / sleeping with him in two years? Or if your son got wrapped up with a 20 year old who was wild and into drugs? Would you allow it?

 

Did your father allow it? Were you close to him? How did he treat you?

 

My dad (I am like your daughter, very close to him, but he is a gentle soul without an abusive bone in his body), but he is still very much a protective man, who taught me I deserve nothing less than the utmost respect and to be cherished. Any 20 year old sniffing around when I was 16 would have been in for a world of hurt.

[WilyWill]

Seems like just a matter of time before he goes back to being angry and abusive. I just hope it doesn't escalate this time. I encourage you to slowly disengage from him, but do not get into any arguments.

[merrmeade]

I got my son into counseling. His first session is on Friday, and I hope it helps him with his anger towards us.

There's no "us" here for your son, I would imagine. The only responsibility you have is why you haven't removed yourself and your children from this volatile situation before it got to this tragic juncture. I'm a high school teacher. We NEVER take anything a kid says about committing suicide as routine. Yeah, he's in counseling but you will never forgive yourself if you don't find out ALL you can about this issue and your situation. YOU ALSO NEED COUNSELING to help him and help yourself separate from your abusive partner.

 

Personally I don't want to read any more loving descriptions of his relationship with your daughter or anything else endearing about him. As an abuser, he has no redeeming qualities until that has been treated and verified safe from a professional - something that takes a LONG time and does NOT rely on your husband's word or perception. Just the opposite.

 

I think you should stop thinking of your husband as a person just like other nice married men. He's hit you. He's in a separate category that stops there. You don't share the responsibility, and there's no other issue until you get away from that - in my opinion.

[merrmeade]

But Heart broke, please don't take the strong words as criticism or lack of compassion for your very, very difficult situation. Of course, it's tragically difficult for you. You love him. I'm so sorry.

[cocorico]

I hope the OP is OK and not lying in a hospital somewhere

[BaileyB]

I have a strong suspicion that she has taken her husband back in the home for Christmas.

 

It is an incredibly difficult situation, but I really hope that OP has been able to put her kids health and safety first. I hope all is well for you.

[Heart broke]

My son liked the counselor, and he asked if he could start playing drums. I told him he can, so we are going to split the cost. He also asked to quit the basketball team because he's only doing it for my husband.

 

My husband was hurt at work on Friday when one of his workers dropped a board on him. It messed up his shoulder, and I've been taking care of things for that. I haven't decided when he gets to come home. I think some time this week though.

[LexiCat29]

My son liked the counselor, and he asked if he could start playing drums. I told him he can, so we are going to split the cost. He also asked to quit the basketball team because he's only doing it for my husband.

 

My husband was hurt at work on Friday when one of his workers dropped a board on him. It messed up his shoulder, and I've been taking care of things for that. I haven't decided when he gets to come home. I think some time this week though.

 

And then what?

[BaileyB]

Heart broke,

I'm sure that this has been very difficult, for you and your family. But, it's with a heavy heart that I tell you I am sad to read your update tonight.

 

I pray for your continued safety and wellbeing. But sadly, I fear that without support, it is only a matter of time until the cheating and verbal and physical abuse happens again. This is the cycle of abuse.

 

You have minimized his behavior, but the truth is that your family now has a history of domestic violence. Your children are being raised in a home where there has been physical and verbal abuse. He is the abuser, and if it happens again, you are now complacent in the abuse.

 

It's not too late to make another choice. You can still seek assistance for your family. I hope that you find the strength and courage to do this not only for your children, but because someday you will value yourself enough not to allow yourself to be controlled and abused by any man. Best wishes.

Edited December 21, 2016 by BaileyB

[whichwayisup]

My son liked the counselor, and he asked if he could start playing drums. I told him he can, so we are going to split the cost. He also asked to quit the basketball team because he's only doing it for my husband.

 

My husband was hurt at work on Friday when one of his workers dropped a board on him. It messed up his shoulder, and I've been taking care of things for that. I haven't decided when he gets to come home. I think some time this week though.

 

NO, do not let him come home. He's a grown man and can take of himself and his hurt shoulder. doesn't he have parents or siblings? If so, then involve them and you stay out of it and away from him. Don't let him move back home, that's a huge mistake. Or how about his OW, she can take care of him, not you!

 

Time to put your kids well being first. Keep them safe.

[merrmeade]

Sometimes I find it illuminating to organize statements according to behavior patterns:

Husband

Verbal threats & abuse:

• told me I was crazy
  
• called me an idiot
  
• grabbed my face and said "I'm never giving you a divorce. If you ever are with another man I'll destroy your relationship and no one will have the balls to be with you."*
  
• started screaming at me that we will not be getting a divorce
  
• called [son’s] best friend the N word a few weeks ago and now he's afraid to hang out with him at our house

 

Physical violence:

• punched me in the stomach
  
• slammed the plate in his hand down and broke it.
  
• grabbed my face and said "I'm never giving you a divorce. If you ever are with another man I'll destroy your relationship and no one will have the balls to be with you."*
  
• broke the new TV I just bought him...

Controlling:

• took my keys
  
• refusing to give me my keys
  
• won't let the dog follow me upstairs either
  
• wouldn't give me my keys and insisted we go get her together
  
• whole way there he had my hand.
  
• i would try and get away and he would grab me harder.

Gaslighting:

• telling me I'm overreacting
  
• told me to not act pathetic (I fell to the ground)
  
• said he didn't hit me that hard
  
• accused me of cheating

Blame-shifting:

• started telling me we watched this movie not to long ago and the man was having some ED issues and I laughed when it happened and it humiliated him.

OP

Co-dependent:

• always try and make everything perfect for him.
  
• support and encourage him,
  
• try to be s good wife.*
  
• don't have a reason to nag him.
  
• don't know what I've done to make him want someone else
  
• don't know how to be without him
  
• wouldn't know what to do without talking to him every day
  - spent my whole life trying to be a good wife and mother

Making excuses not to deal with it, giving in, rug-sweeping:

• haven't decided when he gets to come home….some time this week
  
• don't want them to think badly of their dad
  
• going to as soon as I have a plan
  
• haven't decided when he gets to come home. I think some time this week though.

Accepting blame:

• provoked him enough to hit me... I'm so embarrassed.
  
• just don't know what I've lost to make him act in this way
  
• feel so sad that I made him feel like a loser
  
• apologized for making him feel that way,
  
• embarrassed that I wasn't enough for my husband, or that my child now knows that I wasn't

So this wasn't just an interesting exercise. It shows all the evidence YOU have articulated about his abusive behavior and your enabling response. Seen all together it's a disturbing list.