Husband is cheating on me

[BaileyB]

Interesting.

 

His behavior is inexcusable. But notice OP, the list of enabling behaviors is just as long for you. This is why we have repeatedly suggested counselling, because you demonstrate many codependent and enabling behaviors (for me, saccepting the blame for his abusive behavior and allowing his controlling behaviors are most distressing).

 

Think hard before you allow him to return home. When you look at this list, written in your own words, do you think that it represents a happy, healthy relationship? Do you really want to continue to expose your kids to this kind of relationship? What are you teaching them if you allow him to come home - and if God forbid, the abusive behavior continues?

Edited December 21, 2016 by BaileyB

[ShatteredLady]

How are you going to behave when/if he comes home?

 

Are you going to runaround taking care of him?

Are you going to bottle everything up & not mention it?

Are you going to be 'pleasing', have sex, rub his poor shoulder?

Are you going to do everything that he wants?

 

What are your kids going to learn watching this?

 

What is it going to do to you trying to behave in those ways?

 

What will HE do when you can't avoid acting sad/mad?

 

What will HE do if you loose your temper & shout?

 

Have you explained to your children at what point they should phone police or ambulance when he hits you & smashes the house-up? You NEED to! Do you want them to wait until you loose consciousness? How much blood is enough? Should they lock themselves in a room with the telephone? You NEED to tell them which room has the best lock!

 

Have you really thought this through?

 

Can he drink & snort drugs anywhere in the house or just locked in the bathroom so you can pretend it's not happening?

 

Is he only allowed to contact his mistress via email so the kids don't overhear the telephone conversation? Make sure he doesn't use the family computer. It devastates kids to read & see things like that!!

 

Is his friend allowed to visit? Should your kids stay upstairs on Christmas Day playing load music so they don't overhear anything damaging?

 

You really need to plan these things for his return!!

[Heart broke]

I almost asked for a separation, and might still, but I'm not ready to divorce. As far as his shoulder, I picked up from the hospital, took him to his hotel, got him ready for bed and stayed until he fell asleep. I helped him the next day too, but after I've let him figure it out. I've been doing all the paperwork for it.

 

Someone asked about my relationship with my dad. We were very close, and it was not an abusive relationship at all. My dad and my husband's dad were friends, and then my dad passed. My dad was gone by the time we had gotten together, but I think he saw the writing on the wall, and wasn't thrilled. Obviously if my children were in similar relationships I wouldn't be either.

[BaileyB]

My dad was gone by the time we had gotten together, but I think he saw the writing on the wall, and wasn't thrilled. Obviously if my children were in similar relationships I wouldn't be either.

 

This says it all. You know what you need to do.

 

A separation is a good thing. It will give you some time to learn how to stand on your own two feet and develop some confidence. You are a strong lady, you got him out of the house and you haven't let him come home. That takes strength!

 

Your home should be a safe space and you deserve to live with the security that you will be safe in your home. You don't deserve what he has done - you have been a good wife and mother and he has not treated you with the respect and appreciation that you deserve.

 

Think about your dad, and think about your children. If you don't have the strength to say "No, I will not allow you to treat me this way one more day" then think about what they would want for you, and do it for them. Christmas will be hard this week, but focus on your kids and know that you are doing the right thing! Your kids look to you to be their leader, their hero... Don't let them down.

 

Don't fall for his crying, his apologies, his promises that it will be better... He has hurt you and he must not be allowed to hurt you or your children again.

Edited December 22, 2016 by BaileyB

[RecentChange]

My dad was gone by the time we had gotten together, but I think he saw the writing on the wall, and wasn't thrilled. Obviously if my children were in similar relationships I wouldn't be either.

 

That's really sad - you must have lost your father at a young age then. Like you I am really close to my dad, and when I read these stories of abuse, I think about how my father would strangle the bastard!

 

Do the right thing for your father. Imagine how he would feel if he knew your husband was cheating, abusing you mentally and physically - and that you have been just taking it.

 

Wouldn't he be shaking with rage? Wouldn't he plead with you to get away from him and save yourself and your children?

 

Think about those who really love you. Like your father and your son, and what they think or would think about this whole situation. Imagine if your dad had the list set out above. Let him give you his strength to get out of this!

[IfonlyIknew]

OP I am so sad for you. Your life is all you know. Your marriage, the kids, the house, your LIFE, 20 years is a long time. You are in your comfort zone, you are a SAHM and life outside of what you have is something you aren't prepared for. You may try and justify his blow to your stomach, that it was "just a one time thing, its not him" but it's downhill from here, he has lost respect for you somewhere along the line and now he is being selfish doing what he wants. Ask yourself this honestly, you are naturally being SELFLESS to take all of this to keep your family intact but want this problem dealt with discreetly, I get it. Let me ask you a question (you can answer yourself not me) If you told your children what is going on, how would they respond? How would they feel? Would they want to see their mom go through this? You don't want to paint a picture of their dad in a negative way, but it is not your job to protect his image. He is wronging you and your family. Please take care and protect the 3 of you.

 

*I just read through the rest of everything. I am glad your son went to see the counselor. My ex was similar.. I was a SAHM, 2 kids, didn't have to worry about money, had a Bentley and a range rover, large home, everything anyone could ask for, but there was darkness, I kept everything nice and never rocked the boat, never went out for 8 years, the 1st time I did, I came home and game over.., he stole my keys, my phone, held me hostage for a day, he finally fell asleep, I escaped our room and he woke up.... he jumped the balcony from the 2nd floor to the 1st to stop me at the door, I started screaming for neighbors to help me out the window, ugh I don't even like to reflect on this but things got worse, I feared him, next came the threats if I left. I went to a shelter for help. You might have to do this discreetly.

Long story short, I took 20 steps backwards to go 100 forward. I went on to buy a house, went to school and got a great career, my kids are and I are happy and safe, I created a home of serenity and I wouldn't change a thing. I pray you find the strength to make the changes.

Edited December 22, 2016 by IfonlyIknew

[merrmeade]

Thank you, IfonlyIknew, for sharing your story. What a great outcome.

 

I should think that OP will have a hard time ignoring your warnings.

[Lion Heart]

I think our boy might know. Our little girl bought my husband's story about the TV, but as soon as he told our son he looked at me. Then when I went downstairs our son was right behind me, like he'd been watching for me to go down. He asked me if my husband did anything to me, I just brused it off without answering him. I don't want to lie, but I don't want to tell him either. It really isn't his business, that and I don't want him to worry about it or say anything to his dad.

 

Of course I would tell my children to leave abusive partners. I'm going to as soon as I have a plan that I'm currently working on. It just needs to be realistic.

 

Heart broke, I'm so sorry this has happened and just before Christmas. Please try to focus on your Christmas Day plans and fill the holidays nicely as much as you can.

 

I was in your shoes 2 years ago. I WAS DEVASTATED and did expect sincere apologies and a sincere approach to reconciliation (since HE demanded it). Then things got worse for me if that's believable. Far FAR worse. Evil.

 

He had been a monster at times. But he became an OGRE. I knew about the physical violence. That's obvious and clear. But the Sexual Abuse ranged far and wide. 2 weeks after my D Day he was dragging me through the house trying to force me to have sex with strangers to "level the playing field" - only THEN would he 'work on our marraige'....

 

I actually CONSIDERED it! Omg can't believe that I considered it for a nano second. I Googled whether revenge affairs worked. Found loveshack.

 

Loveshack saved my life Heart Broke. KEEP POSTING FOR SUPPORT!

 

I became suicidal twice in the next 6 months. WH eventually BANNED me from LS claiming it to be the problem not him. (Ridiculous and laughable tbh).

 

I know now that I've suffered ALL 7 forms of Abuse / Domestic violence as outlined in my country.

 

My story is LONG.

 

I have CLARITY now. It happened with a bang 6 weeks after I successfully got him out of the house. 4 months after separation but he wouldn't leave.

 

Then more clarity daily at times.

2 more HUGE pieces of the puzzle in the last 10 days.

 

You need TIME AND SPACE for your RATIONAL MIND to start to overpower your emotions at this stage.

 

It was 9 months after D Day when I began to remember LS advice and suggestions. Still off LS I threatened a lie detector test. It took him 4 tortuous days to tell me the other 15-25 OW. I WAS DONE and took him to our GP because THAT IS beyond me!

 

A short time later he disclosed that his therapy was all focussed on his GAMBLING ADDICTION. DIVORCE ASAP.

 

He wanted to STAY and help coparent the children. Apparently.

But didn't.

 

He went wilder and wilder. He was LOSING CONTROL OVER me. He had lost his gravy train in me. The kids couldn't stand him being here.

 

They kept laughing at their Youtube clips as he tried to invoke their sympathy with "Mummy's kicking daddy out now kids"...

Yep they said.

 

Nothing more.

 

He had WELL AND TRULY OVERSTAYED his welcome in our home and family. He had abused us all.

 

It's calm, peaceful and we can feel the changes.

Nothing's secure financially because HIS arrears in everything came rolling through the door 2 months after he left. I was more or less debt free bar the mortgages.

I thought.

 

So we now peel back the layers of his wild addictions and the consequences of these upon our family.

 

It's ok! Because WE ARE ALL OKAY lol.

 

You will get there too HB. HOLD ON.

 

Love to you and your children because you're ALL precious.

 

Lion Heart

[BaileyB]

Thank you for sharing your stories.

 

The courage that you have shown, having the belief that you deserved more and the strength to leave these abusive men and seek safety and security for your children, it's truly inspiring.

 

Happy holidays to all. Hold your children and know, it is a new start and there is good to come in the New Year!

[AutumnMoon]

He is an absolute jerk leave him.

Children will not be traumatized by this if they're teenagers, they need to know the truth and that you believe in something like that happens make him leave he can spend Christmas alone and you guys can try to reconcile after if that something you really want to do it's my opinion that you need to kick him to the curb .

[Jersey born raised]

Hi lion heart,

 

Just to clarify: he wanted you to have sex with others so to even the playing field, but he got to choose?

 

Also is this your second marriage?

[Fugu]

I came home early so I could be here when the kids left for school. After they'd gone I started asking him about it. He's known her a few months, and one of our good friends introduced them. They slept together once. I got in his face over it, and he punched me in the stomach. I fell to the ground and he told me to not act pathetic. He said he didn't hit me that hard... he's never hit me before. He's never acted violent before.

 

Your relationship is over.

 

His behavior is defiant and domineering, and it will only get worse -- potentially much worse. You need an exit strategy.

[Fugu]

I almost asked for a separation, and might still, but I'm not ready to divorce. As far as his shoulder, I picked up from the hospital, took him to his hotel, got him ready for bed and stayed until he fell asleep. I helped him the next day too, but after I've let him figure it out. I've been doing all the paperwork for it.

 

Someone asked about my relationship with my dad. We were very close, and it was not an abusive relationship at all. My dad and my husband's dad were friends, and then my dad passed. My dad was gone by the time we had gotten together, but I think he saw the writing on the wall, and wasn't thrilled. Obviously if my children were in similar relationships I wouldn't be either.

 

I am normally among the last of the posters here to call for a divorce, but in your case it's necessary. You have to divorce your husband -- not necessarily this minute but you at least need to start the stages of it. Your first step should be to talk to an organization that deals with domestic violence and abuse. They have experts who can help you through this step-by-step. Just Google them in your area and I'm sure some websites with phone numbers will appear.

 

I'm telling you now -- get out. This is an extremely dangerous situation for you and your children.

[Ahurtgirl]

There is absolutely no reason to ever stay with someone who hit you. None.

[BaileyB]

No reason to ever stay with someone who hits you... Real love doesn't hurt!

[Heart broke]

This morning, well, yesterday, I took a pregnancy test, and it was positive. I am extremely happy and excited, but it has helped me come to the conclusion that we have to separate. If he hits me again and I lose my baby it's my fault for staying.

I know he'd never hurt our kids, but after what he did to me I need to remember that this baby literally needs my protection at all times. I just don't want to ever put any of my kids in danger, no matter how big or small they are.

 

I haven't told him I'm pregnant yet, and I can't decide what I should do first.

[ShatteredLady]

CONGRATULATIONS!!! That's fantastic holiday news.

 

It's sounds like you know where your priorities lay & you're going to be a great mother bear protecting your babies.

 

I suffer from chronic spine pain. It creates similar reactions in a body as extreme stress. Which is very bad for pregnancy. I carried my perfectly healthy little girl full term whilst suffering. If you even need any tips or tricks to calming you & your new baby inside please just PM me.

 

Your OBGYN needs to know the truth. There's a lot of help out there, medical & natural, please take advantage of it. I was amazed by the support I received.

 

Happy Holidays!

[aliveagain]

Talk to a lawyer, then decide what you want to tell him about the pregnancy. There is absolutely no excuse for any kind of physical abuse, get yourself out of there, protect your children. Let your lawyer and the Courts deal with him.

[BaileyB]

Congratulations. Even though it may not be as we planned, life has a funny way of surprising us and working out sometimes...

 

I'm glad you have a new perspective. This baby is helpless and absolutely dependent on you to keep it safe. You are a strong lady and I have no doubt you will be a wonderful mother to this baby, as you have been to your other children.

 

Do what you have to do, to protect yourself and your children. Best wishes to you all.

[Heart broke]

I told him he has to go, and he lost it. He got on his hands and knees and begged me for another chance. He was saying he would go to al-anon, narc-anon, therapy, and stop talking to the friend that introduced him to the other woman. I told him that I have to think of my children and that my baby needs safety. That's how I told him I was pregnant. I didn't plan it like that and I feel so bad. After I said that he really broke down and left.

 

I hope he's okay.

[BaileyB]

You are a strong woman and a wonderful mother. You did the right thing.

[cocorico]

I hope he's okay.

 

That is out of your hands. He made his bed, and now must lie in it.

 

Well done on your courage in standing up to him.

[LexiCat29]

I told him he has to go, and he lost it. He got on his hands and knees and begged me for another chance. He was saying he would go to al-anon, narc-anon, therapy, and stop talking to the friend that introduced him to the other woman. I told him that I have to think of my children and that my baby needs safety. That's how I told him I was pregnant. I didn't plan it like that and I feel so bad. After I said that he really broke down and left.

 

I hope he's okay.

 

He's a grown man, he's not the one you need to worry about. You and your kids are safe now and that's all that matters. Well done HB. Don't let that abusive piece of garbage worm his way back into your life..keep your babies safe.

[Heart broke]

He came back after I posted this. He started packing up to go and our daughter asked what was going on. He said he was leaving and it was because I'm having another baby and don't want him around it. I just shook my head because I knew he was going to make me the bad guy.

 

Then my daughter said "I hate you, and I hope your baby dies." And went to her room. I was so shocked I didn't know what to say.

[BaileyB]

He came back after I posted this. He started packing up to go and our daughter asked what was going on. He said he was leaving and it was because I'm having another baby and don't want him around it. I just shook my head because I knew he was going to make me the bad guy.

 

Then my daughter said "I hate you, and I hope your baby dies." And went to her room. I was so shocked I didn't know what to say.

 

You really need to talk to your daughter. You need to explain things to her - be honest, sensitive, but don't protect him.

 

I can appreciate that your husband is angry, but this confirms that he really needs to be out of your house. That kind of behavior is absolutely, unacceptable.

 

Remember, in the absence of real information, she will make up any number of things in her head that she will believe to be true. She needs the honest truth from her mother now. Sadly, you can't keep it from her anymore...

Edited December 29, 2016 by BaileyB