Husband is cheating on me

[BaileyB]

He came back after I posted this. He started packing up to go and our daughter asked what was going on. He said he was leaving and it was because I'm having another baby and don't want him around it. I just shook my head because I knew he was going to make me the bad guy.

 

Then my daughter said "I hate you, and I hope your baby dies." And went to her room. I was so shocked I didn't know what to say.

 

You really need to talk to your daughter. You need to explain things to her - be honest, sensitive, but don't protect him.

 

I can appreciate that your husband is angry, but this confirms that he really needs to be out of your house. That kind of behavior is absolutely, unacceptable.

 

Remember, in the absence of real information, she will make up any number of things in her head that she will believe to be true. She needs the honest truth from her mother now. Sadly, you can't keep it from her anymore...

Edited December 29, 2016 by BaileyB

[BetrayedH]

You just didn't want to say the truth, that he's not welcome around you because he decided to have a girlfriend and punch you in the stomach when you got upset about it.

[BaileyB]

By saying what he said, he decided not only to throw you under the bus, but he also decided to throw your daughter under the bus... Because now he has brought her into the conflict and given her the wrong information.

 

And of course, he's not accepting any personal responsibility for his decisions or his bad behavior.

Edited December 29, 2016 by BaileyB

[BTDT2012]

Tell your daughter the truth. He has left you no other choice.

[BetrayedH]

By saying what he said, he decided not only to throw you under the bus, but he also decided to throw your daughter under the bus... Because now he has brought her into the conflict and given her the wrong information.

 

And of course, he's not accepting any personal responsibility for his decisions or his bad behavior.

 

Quoted for truth.

 

I also agree with the other poster that said that he's essentially left you no choice but to offer the truth. The best case scenario for kids is generally when neither parent is perceived to be at fault. There are stats to show that they heal more quickly when no one parent is to blame. But your husband has removed that option and instead of taking the blame on himself (which perhaps might have been considered noble), he's put the blame on you. It is both a lie and damaging to the child.

 

I don't see how you have much choice but to give the kids the best age-appropriate version of the truth that you can.

[cocorico]

He came back after I posted this. He started packing up to go and our daughter asked what was going on. He said he was leaving and it was because I'm having another baby and don't want him around it. I just shook my head because I knew he was going to make me the bad guy.

 

Then my daughter said "I hate you, and I hope your baby dies." And went to her room. I was so shocked I didn't know what to say.

 

Technically, he's telling her the truth. Or at least, what you told him. You told him you needed him to leave because you didn't want him around the baby. Not because he hit you, and ecause thatnwas unacceptable to you. Not because he threatened you, kept you prisoner, abused you - or even because of the infidelity. It was the baby.

 

Had you drawn the line earlier, he would not be able to characterise it as being due to the baby. Had you told him his abuse and violence was unacceptable, instead of excusing it and glossing over it to your son, and sensing *him* for counselling as if his response was abnormal (I'm not suggesting he shouldn't get counselling - he should; but you should all be going, as a family - because the domestic violence is a family problem, not his problem.)

 

It's time you had a discussion with *both* of your kids about this. And counselling for all of you - for him to deal with why you did nothing for so long; for her to accept your misrepresentation of her father and he consequences of that; for you to accept that his treatment of you was abhorrent, and to understand why you accepted it for so long. And for you as a family to navigate a way forward, a way that accepts him for what he is - a violent man who abuses his way out of difficult situations - and works out what, if any, his future roles might be.

 

He's painted you as the bad guy here - because you've painted him as the good guy. Still time to correct that.

[BaileyB]

Technically, he's telling her the truth. Or at least, what you told him. You told him you needed him to leave because you didn't want him around the baby. Not because he hit you, and ecause thatnwas unacceptable to you. Not because he threatened you, kept you prisoner, abused you - or even because of the infidelity. It was the baby.

 

Had you drawn the line earlier, he would not be able to characterise it as being due to the baby. Had you told him his abuse and violence was unacceptable, instead of excusing it and glossing over it to your son, and sensing *him* for counselling as if his response was abnormal (I'm not suggesting he shouldn't get counselling - he should; but you should all be going, as a family - because the domestic violence is a family problem, not his problem.)

 

It's time you had a discussion with *both* of your kids about this. And counselling for all of you - for him to deal with why you did nothing for so long; for her to accept your misrepresentation of her father and he consequences of that; for you to accept that his treatment of you was abhorrent, and to understand why you accepted it for so long. And for you as a family to navigate a way forward, a way that accepts him for what he is - a violent man who abuses his way out of difficult situations - and works out what, if any, his future roles might be.

 

He's painted you as the bad guy here - because you've painted him as the good guy. Still time to correct that.

 

Very good point. He has essentially told her what he has been told - correct me if I'm wrong, but he was asked to leave because of the drug use and told not to come back because of the baby. It needs to be clear that it is because of all of his decisions - the drug use, the affair, the physical and emotional abuse, and the risk of further abuse - that he has been asked to leave the home.

 

You do all need continued counselling. But, you start by telling your children the truth in a loving and sensitive way... He has left you no other choice. You can't protect anyone from the truth anymore...

[BTDT2012]

Technically, he's telling her the truth. Or at least, what you told him. You told him you needed him to leave because you didn't want him around the baby. Not because he hit you, and ecause thatnwas unacceptable to you. Not because he threatened you, kept you prisoner, abused you - or even because of the infidelity. It was the baby.

 

Had you drawn the line earlier, he would not be able to characterise it as being due to the baby. Had you told him his abuse and violence was unacceptable, instead of excusing it and glossing over it to your son, and sensing *him* for counselling as if his response was abnormal (I'm not suggesting he shouldn't get counselling - he should; but you should all be going, as a family - because the domestic violence is a family problem, not his problem.)

 

It's time you had a discussion with *both* of your kids about this. And counselling for all of you - for him to deal with why you did nothing for so long; for her to accept your misrepresentation of her father and he consequences of that; for you to accept that his treatment of you was abhorrent, and to understand why you accepted it for so long. And for you as a family to navigate a way forward, a way that accepts him for what he is - a violent man who abuses his way out of difficult situations - and works out what, if any, his future roles might be.

 

He's painted you as the bad guy here - because you've painted him as the good guy. Still time to correct that.

No, he isn't. This is what she said.

 

I told him that I have to think of my children and that my baby needs safety.

[sandylee1]

Time to tell your daughter the truth

 

14 year olds are not naive. I have a 14 yo DD and she's well aware:

 

That cheating is wrong

That violence is wrong and unacceptable

 

It's not like she's 7 years old. She needs the truth and if her dad isn't going to be honest, so if you aren't honest, she has 2 dishonest parents.

 

If you don't tell her, then your son is going to tell her what he's witnessed, with no holds barred. Do you want him telling her what your husband said about your sex life? Or the other stuff he heard?

 

You need to tell her quite simply:

 

▪ that you found out her dad was cheating.

 

▪ That you were angry and confronted him.

 

▪ That he punched you /was violent towards you

 

▪That he became violent when you said you wanted a divorce.

 

▪ that he broke the TV in his rage

 

If you don't tell her the truth, then you will destroy the relationship you have with her.

 

Stop protecting your abusive husband or you may just live to regret it. Children do not appreciate lies.

[BaileyB]

I would also say heartbroke, that this is your defining moment as a mother.

 

You will earn your children's respect, if you are strong enough to be honest with them and take the steps you need to take to keep them (and yourself) safe.

 

You will lose their respect if you are not able to accept the truth, if you try to hide or deny what has happened, or if you do not keep them safe.

 

Kids are resilient. They will get through this, with your support and with counselling.

 

And if I may, the person who needs support and counselling the most, is your children's mother. Let's not forget, YOU are the victim here. YOU need support. Your children will rally around you - not to take sides, but because they love you and want to see you safe and well.

Edited December 29, 2016 by BaileyB

[ladydesigner]

Technically, he's telling her the truth. Or at least, what you told him. You told him you needed him to leave because you didn't want him around the baby. Not because he hit you, and ecause thatnwas unacceptable to you. Not because he threatened you, kept you prisoner, abused you - or even because of the infidelity. It was the baby.

 

Had you drawn the line earlier, he would not be able to characterise it as being due to the baby. Had you told him his abuse and violence was unacceptable, instead of excusing it and glossing over it to your son, and sensing *him* for counselling as if his response was abnormal (I'm not suggesting he shouldn't get counselling - he should; but you should all be going, as a family - because the domestic violence is a family problem, not his problem.)

 

It's time you had a discussion with *both* of your kids about this. And counselling for all of you - for him to deal with why you did nothing for so long; for her to accept your misrepresentation of her father and he consequences of that; for you to accept that his treatment of you was abhorrent, and to understand why you accepted it for so long. And for you as a family to navigate a way forward, a way that accepts him for what he is - a violent man who abuses his way out of difficult situations - and works out what, if any, his future roles might be.

 

He's painted you as the bad guy here - because you've painted him as the good guy. Still time to correct that.

 

My WH will do this he will pick and choose what he wants and twist it in the way that is most suitable to him. I believe her H is doing the same when saying it the way he did.

 

He knows what he is and what he did he is minimizing and it is what cheaters and abusers do!

[stillafool]

He came back after I posted this. He started packing up to go and our daughter asked what was going on. He said he was leaving and it was because I'm having another baby and don't want him around it. I just shook my head because I knew he was going to make me the bad guy.

 

Then my daughter said "I hate you, and I hope your baby dies." And went to her room. I was so shocked I didn't know what to say.

 

So did he leave after that? Where is he staying?

[Heart broke]

I sat my kids down and told them that their dad was right, I am having another baby. However, he had to leave for all of our safety. He has a substance abuse problem, and he is becoming violent and distructive. With him like that I don't know what he's capable of doing, or to who. I don't want this to ruin their relationship with him, and I want them to always feel comfortable being with, him talking to him, and talking about him. Then my daughter called me a liar, and went back to her room. My son followed her and told her she better straighten up, and never talk to me like that again. I am telling the truth.

 

When he came back out, I said I knew why he did that, but not to do it again. He's not the parent, I am.

 

Husband? He's not here. He went back to the hotel. He's texting me about every hour or so. Just the same stuff about what he'll do to make this work.

Edited December 29, 2016 by Heart broke

[RecentChange]

I am truly disgusted by your husband's actions.

 

He is now manipulatng your daughter, just as he has manipulated you.

 

YOU ALL NEED COUNSELING

 

And your daughter still doesn't know the truth, she isn't a baby, I am sure she knows about cheating.

 

You are giving her a half truth, so none of their is making sense, and your son unfortunately is having to pick up the slack for his parents.

 

You should have followed her to her room.YOU should have demanded RESPECT. You should tell her the truth, so it will make sense why her father has suddenly become violent.

 

But I have a feeling you have never known respect. Or how to take control, because your husband has robbed you of those things.

 

Family counseling pronto.

[Jersey born raised]

Amen RecentChange. Hey your son seems pretty squared up, good on him. But do not let him go along without guidance. Find a good mentor for him, be a good mentor.

[S2B]

Your son has already taken on the role as the parent! That's due to your husband being void of taking that lead role. These are very sick dynamics for any child.

 

You need to change things right away. It's time for you to do DOUBLE duty!

 

And your husband is willing to change? Will he go to rehab and work hard to get well?

 

Are you willing to go to Al Anon right away? This disease affects every role within the family! What's the plan to change everything?

 

Sit your son down and tell him while you appreciate him being mature - it isn't his responsibility to be the parent and that you plan to do that role now.

 

Your daughter needs help since she is in denial and sees his behavior as "normal"...addiction isn't normal.

 

What is his drug of choice?

[S2B]

When you file for divorce please file for a protective order as well - and support money for the expected child after the birth.

 

Your husband isn't going to change without consequences. Long term, hopefully he will get help, and that will likely help your kids' future of interacting with him.

 

Stand firm on keeping him away for now - you aren't safe with him around. Protect yourself and your kids at all cost.

[LexiCat29]

Holy crap PLEASE get yourself and your kids into counseling immediately.

[cocorico]

 

When he came back out, I said I knew why he did that, but not to do it again. He's not the parent, I am.

 

 

Saying it is meaningless unless you live it.

 

Your son is seeing you reduced to victim of your abuser, and sees a parental vacuum which he's stepping in to fill. Take control of the situation, resume your role as parent, so he can step down in confidence. While you protect your abuser with half-truths, your son will feel a need to step in and protect. Please let him become a child again, by validating the truth. Please stop protecting the abuser. Your daughter has a right to know abuse is not acceptable, and that that is why the abuser cannot be allowed near the family.

 

It's not about drugs, it's about behaviour. If he stopped drugs but carried on attacking you (or them) and holding you prisoner, would it be OK?

[stillafool]

 

Husband? He's not here. He went back to the hotel. He's texting me about every hour or so. Just the same stuff about what he'll do to make this work.

 

Good he's out of the house. Block him from contacting you with the same old stuff that he is not going to do. You don't need to talk to him now.

[waterwoman]

No. Tell your children the truth. They are not babies and at this age they need to know the facts rather than stories. It will be hurtful but so is being lied to. Their relationship with their father is up to them and him - you aren't doing anything to damage it if you tell the truth.

 

Good luck x

[Jersey born raised]

DKT3 touched on his sons recent treatment of his mother who comminted adultery which resulted in divorce (they remarried). Lately at 16. -17 he has been dispectfull of her and towards girls in general. Dispite years of being resectful. Teen years are tough and life long attitudes are formed. You need to insure they are healthly. He needs to learn to be both firm in his attitude towards specific behavior and not to lash out at the worid.

[sandylee1]

When you tell half a story it doesn't make sense.

Your daughter needs to know the full situation, minus intimate details.

 

You've discovered these lies aren't helping, so what's your next move?

 

Your kids only have you to rely on. ...don't let them down.

[Heart broke]

He's been screen shoting me pictures of the conversation with our friend who introduced him to the ow. He basically told him that they can't be friends anymore. I told him that he's not the one who cheated on me, and to think that fixes anything is ludicrous.

 

Then the friend called me mad! I gave him the whole story, and he apologized for getting angry, and introducing them. I told him it wasn't his fault, husband's a big boy he makes his own choices.

 

I think my daughter overheard the conversation, but she's still mad at me. My son isn't happy with me either I don't think, because he can still have drums, but because of the baby I'd like him to get electronic ones, not the ones he's been looking at. I just think it would be better, because that way he can practice whenever he wants.

 

I feel like I've let my whole family down.

[merrmeade]

Heartbroke, why didn´t you tell them - your daughter - about the infidelity? She needs to know your reasons. Ideally you would both have told them, but nothing about this situation is ideal.

 

Also, I think it would help to say back to her what you know she is feeling and how hard it is to accept what her father has done. Maybe if you help her understand that his actions have been damaging. Even though he may have other good qualities, these behaviors are very serious. The lack of anger control and becoming violent must be dealt with professionally; it is a well known fact that they don´t go away by will or better self-control.

 

I imagine she still will have a hard time and will need counseling to get over this denial.