Husband is cheating on me

[merrmeade]

I feel like I've let my whole family down.

You are not allowed to blame yourself, Heart broke. It´s just that you are now in a very lonely, difficult position, essentially single-parenting.

 

My husband was abroad for some of my younger two children´s high school years and all of the youngest child´s. We travelled to him in the summer, but the rest of the time I was parenting alone.

 

There is nothing so lonely as parenting teenagers by yourself. They are already traversing the hardest years of their lives, making decisions about who they are and what they should and shouldn´t do. With one parent out of the picture, it´s just going to be harder for everyone. However, you have no choice but to fulfill this role to the best of your ability for their sakes. They need to know that you are going to be able to do it, too, IN SPITE OF THEIR RESISTANCE.

 

They simply will argue; it´s their script for those difficult years. It doesn´t mean they don´t hear you and know what the truth is. She may speak out and try to blame you, but you have to read between the lines. You simply cannot take it personally or make them responsible. The effort you make to be understanding, yet firm, gives them confidence that they are safe and loved. It is hard and lonely for you, yet maybe the most important parenting you will ever do again.

[S2B]

Sit your daughter down and tell her the truth! Tell her to start being supportive because you ALL have a lot to handle with loads of changes coming.

 

And your husband seems like he's sorry he got caught - not sorry he did it.

 

Start planning your future. Stop allowing your cheating husband to manipulate you.

 

There's NOTHING you should feel bad about - it's your husband who should feel bad!

 

Get help for your very severe codependency.

[LexiCat29]

Am I the only one who thinks that the infidelity is the least of the husbands issues? He is physically, psychologically, and sexually abusive towards the OP. Who cares about the cheating? His guy is disgusting and dangerous and should be thrown in jail and stripped of his parental rights.

 

Heart broke, stay strong!!! Do not let him trick you into letting him back in. He is a terrible person who does not love anyone but himself. He sees you as property, not a person. Please keep your kids safe from this animal.

 

He's not actually sorry, he's putting on a show.

[BaileyB]

You have nothing to be sorry about, you should not blame yourself for letting your family down. Your husband is responsible for this mess, and nobody else.

 

But, you are not ready to see this yet. You seem determined to take on the burden of responsibility, for your husband and your children. This is because you have been in a very unhealthy, codependent relationship with your husband. Hopefully, someday you will have a better perspective...

Edited January 1, 2017 by BaileyB

[sandylee1]

Unless you tell both your children .. but especially your DD the truth. . . You won't get her support and will continue to get her anger towards you.

 

Take her out of the house .... where she won't kick off and tell her, otherwise you'll come over as the bad guy here.

[dreamingoftigers]

Saying it is meaningless unless you live it.

 

Your son is seeing you reduced to victim of your abuser, and sees a parental vacuum which he's stepping in to fill. Take control of the situation, resume your role as parent, so he can step down in confidence. While you protect your abuser with half-truths, your son will feel a need to step in and protect. Please let him become a child again, by validating the truth. Please stop protecting the abuser. Your daughter has a right to know abuse is not acceptable, and that that is why the abuser cannot be allowed near the family.

 

It's not about drugs, it's about behaviour. If he stopped drugs but carried on attacking you (or them) and holding you prisoner, would it be OK?

 

This is exactly what happened in my family and it twisted up my role in it all.

 

When my Dad was nice to her, my mother would go along with him and gang up on me.

 

When my father was a sh*thead, my mother would put me in the position of defending and protecting her.

 

She rarely if ever actually protected me.

 

Eventually my father strangled me in front of her and she did nothing but stand there yelling to get off of me. She didn't call the police, she didn't even threaten to, she didn't try to pull him off of me. Nothing really. I ended up fighting him off and receiving multiple bruises during it.

 

He more often tried to injure me without bruising me. He used to use pressure points and tell me "no one will believe you, you don't have any bruises. He also used to slam my head into things because hair covers anything that bruises.

 

Guess which one of them I spent years hating?

 

My mother.

 

She always defended him and switched to whichever way the wind was blowing.

 

She didn't protect me and played weak victim, when the truth was my father is so damn needy if she would've handed him any kind of ultimatum he would have followed her around like a puppy.

 

Why did I hate my mother?

 

Because my father was an emotionally-stunted abuser. NO ONE could talk sense to him. You could only vote with your feet, hands or actions. Some people view any kind of reasoning as "being attacked."

 

But my mother knew better, MUCH BETTER. But "she loved him" and he provided her with a home and she didn't have to work. To Hell with me, I could take it. She could explain it away and "understand" because "I was smart."

 

It was always "your father is stressed, you fathers feet hurt, your father is tired, we're broke, don't get upset around your father." Blah blah blah as reasons why he would lash out at me.

 

She put me right in the position to have to step up and step in for her. Then when I did, she would switch sides and give me crap.

 

Your son is defending you. First, again your abuser, now against your own daughter. Because you aren't setting your own boundaries. You're sitting back getting him to do it for you because you don't want to have to. Then you're shaming him on top of it.

 

Take care of yourself and the kids already! Stop covering for your abuser and encouraging the kids to be all "peace and love and sunshine" about it. They are GOING TO have feelings about this whole nasty business. Stop trying to stifle or ignore them. Respond to them and read up on boundaries.

[dreamingoftigers]

This is exactly what happened in my family and it twisted up my role in it all.

 

When my Dad was nice to her, my mother would go along with him and gang up on me.

 

When my father was a sh*thead, my mother would put me in the position of defending and protecting her.

 

She rarely if ever actually protected me.

 

Eventually my father strangled me in front of her and she did nothing but stand there yelling to get off of me. She didn't call the police, she didn't even threaten to, she didn't try to pull him off of me. Nothing really. I ended up fighting him off and receiving multiple bruises during it.

 

He more often tried to injure me without bruising me. He used to use pressure points and tell me "no one will believe you, you don't have any bruises. He also used to slam my head into things because hair covers anything that bruises.

 

Guess which one of them I spent years hating?

 

My mother.

 

She always defended him and switched to whichever way the wind was blowing.

 

She didn't protect me and played weak victim, when the truth was my father is so damn needy if she would've handed him any kind of ultimatum he would have followed her around like a puppy.

 

Why did I hate my mother?

 

Because my father was an emotionally-stunted abuser. NO ONE could talk sense to him. You could only vote with your feet, hands or actions. Some people view any kind of reasoning as "being attacked."

 

But my mother knew better, MUCH BETTER. But "she loved him" and he provided her with a home and she didn't have to work. To Hell with me, I could take it. She could explain it away and "understand" because "I was smart."

 

It was always "your father is stressed, you fathers feet hurt, your father is tired, we're broke, don't get upset around your father." Blah blah blah as reasons why he would lash out at me.

 

She put me right in the position to have to step up and step in for her. Then when I did, she would switch sides and give me crap.

 

Your son is defending you. First, again your abuser, now against your own daughter. Because you aren't setting your own boundaries. You're sitting back getting him to do it for you because you don't want to have to. Then you're shaming him on top of it.

 

Take care of yourself and the kids already! Stop covering for your abuser and encouraging the kids to be all "peace and love and sunshine" about it. They are GOING TO have feelings about this whole nasty business. Stop trying to stifle or ignore them. Respond to them and read up on boundaries.

 

And seriously, take the body and spirit of my story and apply it.

 

Don't come up with a series of nit-Picking denials like "oh I never said those phrases and my husband never STRANGLED anyone, it's COMPLETELY DIFFERENT."

 

No, it isn't. Your story reeks of domestic abuse and laissez-faire parenting.

Both are VERY HARMFUL to kids.

 

I ended up suicidal. And a lot of teens do when confronted with a dynamic this toxic. I don't want to be an alarmist, but setting up a young person to take responsibility while stripping them of personal power generally has incredibly poor results for the teen.

[S2B]

Do you work? Can you support yourself and your kids?

 

Have you considered either keeping him out of the house or moving you and the kids!

 

What is your plan to provide a SAFE home environment for you and the kids? It's up to YOU to get a plan together and stick to the plan!

 

Again, what actions are YOU taking to change this situation that doesn't have you relying on your abusive husband...?

[Heart broke]

The reason I made him leave is for the safety of our children. It's why I got made about the coke revelation. I know sober husband wouldn't hurt anyone, but I don't trust people on cocaine, no matter who they are, and he knows that.

 

I started thinking about if he attacks me, and I lose our baby, but after I thought about that I thought that I need to protect my other babies the same way.

 

The kids went to friends' houses for New Year's, and husband and I talked on the phone all night. He tried to get me to come to the hotel, but I wouldn't.

 

I am going to see him Wednesday because he's having shoulder surgery and will need help. Other that I'm trying to not see him.

[BaileyB]

The reason I made him leave is for the safety of our children. It's why I got made about the coke revelation. I know sober husband wouldn't hurt anyone, but I don't trust people on cocaine, no matter who they are.

 

I obviously have never met your husband, but I strongly disagree with your statement. Based on the information that you have provided, your husband is a threat to your physical and emotional health, whether he is sober or not. You continue to minimize the threat.

 

And, to say it one more time... WHY are you not absolutely furious that he cheated on you, lied to you, beat you, belittled you, tried to imprison you in your own home, blamed you and twisted the truth when he spoke with your children?

 

The drugs are the least of your worries... The fact that he disrespects and abuses you and you never acknowledge this or your feelings about the way he has treated you - his wife and the mother of his children - is just heart breaking for me...

 

Your children are going to think that this type of relationship is normal, when it is not. They are going to wonder why their mother never cared enough about herself to stand up for herself, when she was treated badly. And, they will lose all respect for both their parents... You REALLY need some counselling, you have so much to work through...

Edited January 2, 2017 by BaileyB

[Heart broke]

 

And, to say it one more time... WHY are you not absolutely furious that he cheated on you, lied to you, beat you, belittled you, tried to imprison you in your own home, blamed you and twisted the truth when he spoke with your children.

 

I am absolutely devastated that he cheated on me. I can't make it through the day without crying about it. I am so upset he turned it on me and the fact I've stayed in shape! I didn't care he's gotten big. But to use that as an excuse is so maddening. We talked about that for a long time last night. I'm mad over him making me the bad guy to our daughter as well. I'm mad he and our friend talked about our sex life with our son right there. There's a lot I'm mad about, and he's been hearing about it.

[S2B]

Do you work? Can you support yourself and your kids?

 

Have you considered either keeping him out of the house or moving you and the kids!

 

What is your plan to provide a SAFE home environment for you and the kids? It's up to YOU to get a plan together and stick to the plan!

 

Again, what actions are YOU taking to change this situation that doesn't have you relying on your abusive husband...?

 

 

Asking again...

 

You really need to quit talking to him and no need to take care of him after his surgery!

 

Stop and take care of your own life - separate from him altogether! That will send a message that what he's done is NOT OK!

 

Just stop with all the talk to him - history proves he won't listen or care how you feel - he just needs a WILLING victim! Stop being his victim! He's a grown ass man and should learn to take care of himself!

 

Your KIDS should be your priority! Helping your abusive husband sends a terrible mixed message to your kids. Cut him out and keep him away! Your safety is at risk!

[dreamingoftigers]

I am absolutely devastated that he cheated on me. I can't make it through the day without crying about it. I am so upset he turned it on me and the fact I've stayed in shape! I didn't care he's gotten big. But to use that as an excuse is so maddening. We talked about that for a long time last night. I'm mad over him making me the bad guy to our daughter as well. I'm mad he and our friend talked about our sex life with our son right there. There's a lot I'm mad about, and he's been hearing about it.

 

I was mostly depressed / devastated about the cheating in my case too.

 

I didn't get angry until I took the online depression test and everything clicked.

 

I went on Wellbutrin BUT it swung me too far the other way.

 

I turned from reflective bawling my eyes out to raging lunacy.

 

I would believe that Wellbutrin is responsible for a homicide or two.

 

Be careful about medications of any kind with mood issues, especially since you are pregnant.

[sandylee1]

I think you should tell your husband, that even though you are unsure you wish to stay married, that unless he tells your daughter (in your presence) the whole truth (his affair, him hitting you, the drugs), then there is no chance of reconciliation between you ever. And he better not blame you or make himself the victim.

 

If he's man enough to go out and do what he did, then he can be man enough to confess and tell your daughter the truth.

[wmacbride]

Op,

please, if you can't b strong for yourself,be strong for your kids. They are watching what is happening, and this is how they will develop their idea of what relationships are like. Do you want them to reach adulthood thinking it's okay for a man or woman to abuse their partner, or to make excuses for an abuser?

 

What were you like before you met your H?

[Heart broke]

Well I had just turned sixteen, my father had just passed unexpectedly, and i had to take care of my little brother a lot of the time. When I went to hang out with him I was always the youngest person there, and was really shy. I don't remember much else because I have blocked it out. Losing my dad was very difficult.

[S2B]

What have you done today to change this?

[BaileyB]

Well I had just turned sixteen, my father had just passed unexpectedly, and i had to take care of my little brother a lot of the time. When I went to hang out with him I was always the youngest person there, and was really shy. I don't remember much else because I have blocked it out. Losing my dad was very difficult.

 

This is the thing... You formed your relationship with him when you were very young, before your brain and your personality had really developed. You never really stood on your own and developed your own sense of self. You went from a dependant relationship with your father to a very codependent relationship with your husband... Your relationship with your husband developed during a time of life that is challenging for every child, made even more so by the very tragic loss of your father.

 

It must be terrifying to even consider leaving your husband and moving through life on your own. It's what you have to do, but know that this takes great courage and strength... You are very brave.

 

But, you don't have to do it alone. Please, when you can find a good counsellor to offer you support through this difficult time.

[Heart broke]

This is the thing... You formed your relationship with him when you were very young, before your brain and your personality had really developed. You never really stood on your own and developed your own sense of self. You went from a dependant relationship with your father to a very codependent relationship with your husband... Your relationship with your husband developed during a time of life that is challenging for every child, made even more so by the very tragic loss of your father.

 

It must be terrifying to even consider leaving your husband and moving through life on your own. It's what you have to do, but know that this takes great courage and strength... You are very brave.

 

But, you don't have to do it alone. Please, when you can find a good counsellor to offer you support through this difficult time.

The thing is, I absolutely want to reconcile. I love him. I love raising babies with him. I want to work through this.

[Whodatdog]

The thing is, I absolutely want to reconcile. I love him. I love raising babies with him. I want to work through this.

 

Thats all well and good, but its a marriage, so both of you have to want these things. He needs to love you and want to work thru this. If he doesnt, its over.

[BaileyB]

The thing is, I absolutely want to reconcile. I love him. I love raising babies with him. I want to work through this.

 

I hear that, and I understand.

 

But, please hear this - he is not a healthy partner right now. It's possible that he never really was and you haven't had a healthy relationship with him... This is why we are suggesting that you find a counsellor that you can trust, to help you work through things and make the best decision for yourself, and your children.

[Whodatdog]

Do you know how bad his coke addiction is? Would he agree to go into rehab?

[stillafool]

The thing is, I absolutely want to reconcile. I love him. I love raising babies with him. I want to work through this.

 

So is he back home with you again?

[Heart broke]

No, he's not back home. He's at a hotel, I will see him tomorrow for the first time since I made him leave. He's not coming back here, but he's having surgery and I just want to help him get settled after.

 

I have no idea how bad the cocaine thing is. He said he only used it "a few times when I was with her."

[TennisGal]

"Just a few times when he was with her." Why would you believe ANYTHING he says?

 

This man has lied to you, cheated on you, hit you, threatened you, locked you in your home, controlled you, and used drugs. He is making your children's lives miserable. Yet you want to work through this and reconcile with him?

 

Do you recognize how self-destructive that is? Some people who do not leave a spouse who acts like him end up in a hospital or a morgue.

 

If I were in your shoes, I would be afraid to be in a hotel room alone with him, whether he's just had surgery or not.