Whoknew30 Posted January 5, 2017 Share Posted January 5, 2017 Granted I don't love the person he's been the last few weeks, I do love him. He's my best friend. He's not here specifically because I am protecting my pregnancy. I know my baby wouldn't be able to survive being attacked. I don't think he would do that while I'm pregnant, but I don't want to take any chances. I'm going to a party for a friend tonight, so hopefully that will take my mind off of it for a few hours. A best friend doesn't hit you bc they cheated. Do you hear yourself, "I love him, he's my best friend" then in the same paragraph "I'm protecting my baby bc I might be attacked"...the person he's been the last few is, who he is, no one just becomes that way over night. You need major IC...it's evident you're not in a healthy state of mind & neither is he. Someone he to be mentally stable for your kid's sake...it doesn't look like he's going to change, so you only have yourself to work on....you & your kids are the most important, you're not protecting them if you're in denial of who your husband really is...which is abusive. Denial is the biggest road block of healing in any situation, hopefully you over come it. Good luck 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 5, 2017 Share Posted January 5, 2017 (edited) Heartbroke, is there a reason why you are not talking with a counsellor? You have never indicated that you would attend counselling for yourself, which makes it appear that you are reluctant or avoiding counselling. I'm wondering if this is true, and I would really encourage you to consider it. Edited January 5, 2017 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted January 5, 2017 Share Posted January 5, 2017 (edited) Granted I don't love the person he's been the last few weeks, I do love him. He's my best friend. He's not here specifically because I am protecting my pregnancy. I know my baby wouldn't be able to survive being attacked. I don't think he would do that while I'm pregnant, but I don't want to take any chances. I'm going to a party for a friend tonight, so hopefully that will take my mind off of it for a few hours. You're scaring me with that "last few weeks" remark - as if you think he's just had a little heartburn and not been himself of late. It seems to me that, yes, recent events have revealed his worst side but that just means it's been held in check until now, doesn't it? You have an extra-large capacity to empathize. You are so good at putting yourself in the place of another and feel what that person is feeling that you can even feel your husband's pain. Of course, you suffer when you feel that. It's also pain. But, in fact, this time it is NOT going to help him for you to do that. It will enable him to do more selfish, impulsive acts because there are no consequences. If he's forgiven before he hits bottom and fully grasps the damage that he's done to others, there is no way he will reform. Reform is working when the offender's remorse is stronger than the impulse to lash out and is present at the moment of anger. WILL (saying he won't do it any more) IS NOT ENOUGH and won't stop it. He has to have this sensibility and awareness of what he's doing when he feels threatened. For this awareness to kick in, he has to be able to witness his own actions. Right now, he can't; he's too threatened and afraid to stand apart. Furthermore, your grace, good will and understanding will NOT HELP HIM. He will not appreciate what they're worth. He needs different help from what you have to give. Therefore, save your strength and gifts for your children, especially your new child. Offered to him, your efforts will backfire. He is out of your hands unfortunately. Your love will not reform him but, instead, enable the status quo to continue, making you and, thereby your children, the victims. Look at it as saving yourself for your children. Edited January 5, 2017 by merrmeade 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heart broke Posted January 6, 2017 Author Share Posted January 6, 2017 Tonight I went to a party for a friend, and who walks in? Her. We were introduced and I said "I think you know my husband, ___." All the color drained from her face and her eyes got wide. When I said that a friend asked how he was and I said we were expecting a baby and we're so excited. That felt so good. Even if things don't work out between us the fact that she knows I know who she is and that we're having a baby felt like a good revenge in a way. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted January 6, 2017 Share Posted January 6, 2017 Even if things don't work out between us... I have to ask, what's your vision for how things might work out between you? What are your requirements for reconciling? What are your boundaries? What are your dealbreakers? I get the impression that it's only a matter of time before your husband is out of the dog house. What's to stop him from resuming his double-life? Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted January 6, 2017 Share Posted January 6, 2017 Tonight I went to a party for a friend, and who walks in? Her. We were introduced and I said "I think you know my husband, ___." All the color drained from her face and her eyes got wide. When I said that a friend asked how he was and I said we were expecting a baby and we're so excited. That felt so good. Even if things don't work out between us the fact that she knows I know who she is and that we're having a baby felt like a good revenge in a way. Please stop acting like your H is some prize for whom the two of you are competing. He's not the prize. You'll be at your healthiest when you realize the YOU are the prize. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heart broke Posted January 6, 2017 Author Share Posted January 6, 2017 Honestly, I don't know what reconciliation looks like yet. I don't know what he can do to make this better, if anything at all.I want to take him back, but obviously I'm not comfortable with doing so for my babies. The worst things he can do are: hurt our kids, use more drugs, or hurt me even worse. I'm not trying to act like he's a prize. I just hope she knows I know. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted January 6, 2017 Share Posted January 6, 2017 Honestly, I don't know what reconciliation looks like yet. I don't know what he can do to make this better, if anything at all.I want to take him back, but obviously I'm not comfortable with doing so for my babies. The worst things he can do are: hurt our kids, use more drugs, or hurt me even worse. Ok, that's a fair and honest answer. And it's really not your job to figure out how to fix this. He's the one that dropped several nukes on the marriage and he should be the one to fix it. In fact, someone that is truly remorseful would be taking thr initiative to repair the damage they caused. I'd expect him to be offering transparency, enrolling himself in individual counseling, reading books, and taking other proactive steps to rebuild trust and help you heal. So far it sounds like he's just whimpering like a hurt puppy, as if he is somehow the victim in this scenario. Is he the victim here? I'd suggest you make a list of minimum requirements, just for yourself. And until he's doing all of those things (without spoon-feeding them to him), you proceed with separating this man from your life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted January 6, 2017 Share Posted January 6, 2017 Doesn't knowing what he said to his friend about your sex life, heard by your son bother you enough to not want him? Him punching you? Him grabing your face? Him smashing the TV Him telling your DD that crap? The drugs? Lest we forget the actual cheating? It seems none of the above are enough to end it. Just enough to keep him away for now. Take him back and the message is he can do anything to you and you'll still love him and want him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted January 6, 2017 Share Posted January 6, 2017 Honestly, I don't know what reconciliation looks like yet. I don't know what he can do to make this better, if anything at all.I want to take him back, but obviously I'm not comfortable with doing so for my babies. The worst things he can do are: hurt our kids, use more drugs, or hurt me even worse. I'm not trying to act like he's a prize. I just hope she knows I know. What you should have done is let her know what hotel he's at (if she hasn't been there with him already) and tell her she is welcome to him because you have no interest in a lying, cheating, abusive, drug addled, sorry excuse for a "man". The idea that you would even consider taking him back makes me vomit in my mouth a little. Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted January 6, 2017 Share Posted January 6, 2017 Go & get some drug tests to at least make sure he's being honest about that. Given his deep seated character failings you SHOULD NOT be in the same BUILDING as him if he tests positive. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heart broke Posted January 7, 2017 Author Share Posted January 7, 2017 He apologized last night, which was nice. Before anyone freaks out, that doesn't mean he gets to come home. I'm just happy I got an apology, finally. I miss him so much. Link to post Share on other sites
sophinla Posted January 7, 2017 Share Posted January 7, 2017 I'm in the camp of reconciliation, especially if the man shows regret. Follow your heart, forgive and do not forget. Lay down the rules and boundaries for him to come back and be firm with them. Divorce is paperwork you can initiate any day, why not give your family a chance? I wish you and your family strength to pull through this. Link to post Share on other sites
merrmeade Posted January 7, 2017 Share Posted January 7, 2017 I'm in the camp of reconciliation, especially if the man shows regret. Follow your heart, forgive and do not forget. Lay down the rules and boundaries for him to come back and be firm with them. Divorce is paperwork you can initiate any day, why not give your family a chance? I wish you and your family strength to pull through this. I think it's a different set of possibilities and recommendations when physical violence enters the picture. Forgiveness means something different to an abuser. It means back to status quo, no need to do any more about it. In other words, "I'm fine. Everything's fine. It won't happen again." Until it does. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
MJJean Posted January 7, 2017 Share Posted January 7, 2017 I'm in the camp of reconciliation, especially if the man shows regret. Follow your heart, forgive and do not forget. Lay down the rules and boundaries for him to come back and be firm with them. Divorce is paperwork you can initiate any day, why not give your family a chance? I wish you and your family strength to pull through this. Did you actually read the thread? Particularly paying attention to the physical violence, destruction of property, and drug use? Follow your heart is cute and all that, but I can guarantee you that if someone calls the cops next time he gets violent, social services will get involved and they don't accept "following your heart" as an excuse for letting a violent drug user around the children. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
mrs rubble Posted January 8, 2017 Share Posted January 8, 2017 Tonight I went to a party for a friend, and who walks in? Her. We were introduced and I said "I think you know my husband, ___." All the color drained from her face and her eyes got wide. When I said that a friend asked how he was and I said we were expecting a baby and we're so excited. That felt so good. Even if things don't work out between us the fact that she knows I know who she is and that we're having a baby felt like a good revenge in a way. Really you think that you being pregnant and her knowing about it is "good revenge"??? I pity that poor unborn child. It's father is a cheat, drug abuser(let's hope the drugs haven't damaged his sperm) and physically abuses his mother and it's mother is ok with that...and refers to her baby as "revenge". 1 Link to post Share on other sites
WilyWill Posted January 8, 2017 Share Posted January 8, 2017 ...and refers to her baby as "revenge". What nonsense. She was hurt by her WH and wanted the OW to be just as hurt by the realization that he was a liar and scoundrel. She never referred to a baby as "revenge" and it's apparent from reading her story that she has her baby's best interests at heart. What have you been reading? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heart broke Posted January 8, 2017 Author Share Posted January 8, 2017 What nonsense. She was hurt by her WH and wanted the OW to be just as hurt by the realization that he was a liar and scoundrel. She never referred to a baby as "revenge" and it's apparent from reading her story that she has her baby's best interests at heart. What have you been reading? Thank you for understanding what I'm trying to say. I love my babies, and they inspire me to live better. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 8, 2017 Share Posted January 8, 2017 He apologized last night, which was nice. Before anyone freaks out, that doesn't mean he gets to come home. I'm just happy I got an apology, finally. I miss him so much. If that helps you get closure so you can move on, then great. Just please, PLEASE don't let him manipulate you into coming back home. You are doing the right thing for you and your children by not letting him move back in. It's okay to miss him and what you had in the past, but he isn't the man you married so treat this as a death of the life you once shared with him. It's gone and things can never be the same. For your own sanity, protection and well being, continue on and be strong. Your kids need a healthy you, and that means minus their dad in the house. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted January 8, 2017 Share Posted January 8, 2017 ....so he apologizes, you let him come home. One 'tiny little slip & he hits you (not that hard, remember? "Don't be pathetic!") & what happens to your unborn baby? Do you believe that when he hit you it was a cold, calculated, well planned action? Do you think it was a heat of the moment loss of control? If it's the latter, what's stopping it from happening again? Will an apology stop your baby from dying? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heart broke Posted January 8, 2017 Author Share Posted January 8, 2017 ....so he apologizes, you let him come home. One 'tiny little slip & he hits you (not that hard, remember? "Don't be pathetic!") & what happens to your unborn baby? Do you believe that when he hit you it was a cold, calculated, well planned action? Do you think it was a heat of the moment loss of control? If it's the latter, what's stopping it from happening again? Will an apology stop your baby from dying? What? Did I miss something? I said the apology was nice, but it DOESN'T mean he gets to come home. If other posters could refrain from insinuating I'm setting my baby up to be killed, or that I'm stupid, I'd appreciate it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
mrs rubble Posted January 8, 2017 Share Posted January 8, 2017 What nonsense. She was hurt by her WH and wanted the OW to be just as hurt by the realization that he was a liar and scoundrel. She never referred to a baby as "revenge" and it's apparent from reading her story that she has her baby's best interests at heart. What have you been reading? I disagree. She is protecting her abusive ex, buying her children's affection and teaching them that it's ok to bash people, and break stuff in anger. That doesn't make a good mother in my book. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Steen719 Posted January 8, 2017 Share Posted January 8, 2017 I just saw a 48 hours show about a man who killed his wife (Dennis Ott - look it up). He strangled her in a fight (witnessed by her daughter - 10 at the time), not killing her, but angry in a fight. He took her car keys and license and moved her car so she was unable to leave. It made me think of you, Heart broke. I'm sad for you that your family unit is dissolving and that you have been betrayed by the one person who should have your back. You can't change that, though, and although it hurts like the devil right now, someday you will look back at this mess and see that you did the only thing you could do to protect yourself and your children. The above woman (in 48 hours) left 2 daughters who are forever missing their mother and who still cry for her loss. Loss has affected everyone on the at some time. Your being pregnant must make it so much worse for you. But you must endure and take stock of your marriage. 1. He hit you 2. He tried to restrain your movements 3. He cheated on you 4. He uses drugs Do not become a statistic. We don't think our loved ones can be who they turn out to be, but here we all are. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredLady Posted January 8, 2017 Share Posted January 8, 2017 What? Did I miss something? I said the apology was nice, but it DOESN'T mean he gets to come home. If other posters could refrain from insinuating I'm setting my baby up to be killed, or that I'm stupid, I'd appreciate it. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to insult you. It sounded like your resolve was faltering. I'm very pleased to see that it isn't! Like most posters here I'm sincerely concerned for your little families wellbeing. I know that this is a incredibly heartbreaking, devastating time for you. I KNOW what it's like to truly love a man who completely blind-sides. I honestly thought I knew what he was (& wasn't) capable of doing. I'm sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heart broke Posted January 9, 2017 Author Share Posted January 9, 2017 Perhaps it was a mistake to come here. I've got two kids who're mad at me for either kicking their dad out or not jumping straight to divorce. A husband who is obviously mad at me as well, and a baby I have to think about too. Then to come here and just basically told I'm going to get the most important people in my life killed is too much. I just can't deal with this right now. If mods could close this I would appreciate it. Thank you everyone for some insight to help my family. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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