Husband is cheating on me

[S2B]

No, he's not back home. He's at a hotel, I will see him tomorrow for the first time since I made him leave. He's not coming back here, but he's having surgery and I just want to help him get settled after.

 

I have no idea how bad the cocaine thing is. He said he only used it "a few times when I was with her."

 

Just back out of 'helping him' after surgery.

 

YOU need him to be scared of consequences and this is an ideal time for him to understand this is the result of him totally mistreating you!

 

He's a big boy...and he is perfectly capable of figuring out how to fend for HIMSELF! Stop caretaking YOUR ABUSER!!!

 

If you participate tomorrow - YOU are sending him a message that you keep caring for him when he abuses you - and nothing makes that right!

 

Take care of YOU and your kids!

 

Let HIM figure out HIS problems that HE has created!

[whichwayisup]

The thing is, I absolutely want to reconcile. I love him. I love raising babies with him. I want to work through this.

 

He isn't the man you fell in love with, the man you married. It may look like him, but it isn't him. The man before your eyes is a liar, a cheater, an abuser, and now a coke head. Not a person who is a family man, nor a kindhearted, giving and loving husband to you. He's poison to you and toxic.

 

I get that you're grieving and in shock, maybe the blinders are on and you think he's still 'the one' for you but you're not the one for him right now. He wants out and has invested in someone else. I'm sorry if my words sting, just want you to open your eyes and see your situation in a different light, an open mind and without the rose coloured glasses.

 

Hire a nurse to look after him, you don't need to be his bed maid. Or his OW can take of him. He isn't your responsibility. By HIS choice.

[S2B]

The thing is, I absolutely want to reconcile. I love him. I love raising babies with him. I want to work through this.

 

Ask yourself why you want to beg a man to stay that cheats and lies and abuses you.

[cocorico]

This is exactly what happened in my family and it twisted up my role in it all.

 

When my Dad was nice to her, my mother would go along with him and gang up on me.

 

When my father was a sh*thead, my mother would put me in the position of defending and protecting her.

 

She rarely if ever actually protected me.

 

Eventually my father strangled me in front of her and she did nothing but stand there yelling to get off of me. She didn't call the police, she didn't even threaten to, she didn't try to pull him off of me. Nothing really. I ended up fighting him off and receiving multiple bruises during it.

 

He more often tried to injure me without bruising me. He used to use pressure points and tell me "no one will believe you, you don't have any bruises. He also used to slam my head into things because hair covers anything that bruises.

 

Guess which one of them I spent years hating?

 

My mother.

 

She always defended him and switched to whichever way the wind was blowing.

 

She didn't protect me and played weak victim, when the truth was my father is so damn needy if she would've handed him any kind of ultimatum he would have followed her around like a puppy.

 

Why did I hate my mother?

 

Because my father was an emotionally-stunted abuser. NO ONE could talk sense to him. You could only vote with your feet, hands or actions. Some people view any kind of reasoning as "being attacked."

 

But my mother knew better, MUCH BETTER. But "she loved him" and he provided her with a home and she didn't have to work. To Hell with me, I could take it. She could explain it away and "understand" because "I was smart."

 

It was always "your father is stressed, you fathers feet hurt, your father is tired, we're broke, don't get upset around your father." Blah blah blah as reasons why he would lash out at me.

 

She put me right in the position to have to step up and step in for her. Then when I did, she would switch sides and give me crap.

 

Your son is defending you. First, again your abuser, now against your own daughter. Because you aren't setting your own boundaries. You're sitting back getting him to do it for you because you don't want to have to. Then you're shaming him on top of it.

 

Take care of yourself and the kids already! Stop covering for your abuser and encouraging the kids to be all "peace and love and sunshine" about it. They are GOING TO have feelings about this whole nasty business. Stop trying to stifle or ignore them. Respond to them and read up on boundaries.

 

And seriously, take the body and spirit of my story and apply it.

 

Don't come up with a series of nit-Picking denials like "oh I never said those phrases and my husband never STRANGLED anyone, it's COMPLETELY DIFFERENT."

 

No, it isn't. Your story reeks of domestic abuse and laissez-faire parenting.

Both are VERY HARMFUL to kids.

 

I ended up suicidal. And a lot of teens do when confronted with a dynamic this toxic. I don't want to be an alarmist, but setting up a young person to take responsibility while stripping them of personal power generally has incredibly poor results for the teen.

 

Please listen to this. You d not want to be responsible for doing this to your kids.

[dreamingoftigers]

Please listen to this. You d not want to be responsible for doing this to your kids.

 

Yeah, because then they wind up on relationship forums with over 10000 posts!

[Heart broke]

I had my brother take him to surgery, get his medicine, and then take him to his room and hang out with him for awhile. He asked me what was going on and I told him about the affair. He told me he had a hard time not beating the crap out of him the whole time after I told him. He said that husband kept calling out for me.

 

Later he called and asked why I didn't take care of him. I told him that he made that choice when he slept with someone else. If he wants someone else, then I don't need to take care of him. He just kept saying over and over again that he loves me and wants to make things work.

 

I keep wanting to go over there and take care of him. I love him so much.

[sandylee1]

I had my brother take him to surgery, get his medicine, and then take him to his room and hang out with him for awhile. He asked me what was going on and I told him about the affair. He told me he had a hard time not beating the crap out of him the whole time after I told him. He said that husband kept calling out for me.

 

Later he called and asked why I didn't take care of him. I told him that he made that choice when he slept with someone else If he wants someone else, then I don't need to take care of him. He just kept saying over and over again that he loves me and wants to make things work.

 

I keep wanting to go over there and take care of him. I love him so much.

 

Let his OW take care of him.

 

If he loved you, he wouldn't have cheated and punched you or been violenttowards you.

 

Time to detach from him. Cheating is one thing, but the lack of remorse and violence is unacceptable.

[BetrayedH]

You don't love him. You love who you thought he was. And who you wish he was. That's not who he is. You're in love with a fantasy.

 

What's to love about a man who cheats on his wife, punches her in the gut when she confronts him, and ridicules her when she hits the floor?

 

How many gut punches will your pregnancy tolerate?

[Heart broke]

Granted I don't love the person he's been the last few weeks, I do love him. He's my best friend. He's not here specifically because I am protecting my pregnancy. I know my baby wouldn't be able to survive being attacked. I don't think he would do that while I'm pregnant, but I don't want to take any chances.

 

I'm going to a party for a friend tonight, so hopefully that will take my mind off of it for a few hours.

[Whoknew30]

Granted I don't love the person he's been the last few weeks, I do love him. He's my best friend. He's not here specifically because I am protecting my pregnancy. I know my baby wouldn't be able to survive being attacked. I don't think he would do that while I'm pregnant, but I don't want to take any chances.

 

I'm going to a party for a friend tonight, so hopefully that will take my mind off of it for a few hours.

 

A best friend doesn't hit you bc they cheated. Do you hear yourself, "I love him, he's my best friend" then in the same paragraph "I'm protecting my baby bc I might be attacked"...the person he's been the last few is, who he is, no one just becomes that way over night. You need major IC...it's evident you're not in a healthy state of mind & neither is he. Someone he to be mentally stable for your kid's sake...it doesn't look like he's going to change, so you only have yourself to work on....you & your kids are the most important, you're not protecting them if you're in denial of who your husband really is...which is abusive. Denial is the biggest road block of healing in any situation, hopefully you over come it. Good luck

[BaileyB]

Heartbroke, is there a reason why you are not talking with a counsellor? You have never indicated that you would attend counselling for yourself, which makes it appear that you are reluctant or avoiding counselling. I'm wondering if this is true, and I would really encourage you to consider it.

Edited January 5, 2017 by BaileyB

[merrmeade]

Granted I don't love the person he's been the last few weeks, I do love him. He's my best friend. He's not here specifically because I am protecting my pregnancy. I know my baby wouldn't be able to survive being attacked. I don't think he would do that while I'm pregnant, but I don't want to take any chances.

 

I'm going to a party for a friend tonight, so hopefully that will take my mind off of it for a few hours.

You're scaring me with that "last few weeks" remark - as if you think he's just had a little heartburn and not been himself of late. It seems to me that, yes, recent events have revealed his worst side but that just means it's been held in check until now, doesn't it?

 

You have an extra-large capacity to empathize. You are so good at putting yourself in the place of another and feel what that person is feeling that you can even feel your husband's pain. Of course, you suffer when you feel that. It's also pain.

 

But, in fact, this time it is NOT going to help him for you to do that. It will enable him to do more selfish, impulsive acts because there are no consequences. If he's forgiven before he hits bottom and fully grasps the damage that he's done to others, there is no way he will reform.

 

Reform is working when the offender's remorse is stronger than the impulse to lash out and is present at the moment of anger. WILL (saying he won't do it any more) IS NOT ENOUGH and won't stop it. He has to have this sensibility and awareness of what he's doing when he feels threatened. For this awareness to kick in, he has to be able to witness his own actions. Right now, he can't; he's too threatened and afraid to stand apart. Furthermore, your grace, good will and understanding will NOT HELP HIM. He will not appreciate what they're worth. He needs different help from what you have to give.

 

Therefore, save your strength and gifts for your children, especially your new child. Offered to him, your efforts will backfire. He is out of your hands unfortunately. Your love will not reform him but, instead, enable the status quo to continue, making you and, thereby your children, the victims.

 

Look at it as saving yourself for your children.

Edited January 5, 2017 by merrmeade

[S2B]

I'm glad you're sending him a clear message with words and actions.

 

The primary focus should be taking care of yourself and your kids.

 

Your H isn't a safe person to be around - not now, not ever.

 

It's your job to provide your kids safety and love.

 

The fact that you 'think' you love him after he's treated you this way indicates that you need serious professional help.

[Heart broke]

Tonight I went to a party for a friend, and who walks in? Her. We were introduced and I said "I think you know my husband, ___." All the color drained from her face and her eyes got wide. When I said that a friend asked how he was and I said we were expecting a baby and we're so excited.

 

That felt so good. Even if things don't work out between us the fact that she knows I know who she is and that we're having a baby felt like a good revenge in a way.

[BetrayedH]

Even if things don't work out between us...

 

I have to ask, what's your vision for how things might work out between you? What are your requirements for reconciling? What are your boundaries? What are your dealbreakers?

 

I get the impression that it's only a matter of time before your husband is out of the dog house. What's to stop him from resuming his double-life?

[BetrayedH]

Tonight I went to a party for a friend, and who walks in? Her. We were introduced and I said "I think you know my husband, ___." All the color drained from her face and her eyes got wide. When I said that a friend asked how he was and I said we were expecting a baby and we're so excited.

 

That felt so good. Even if things don't work out between us the fact that she knows I know who she is and that we're having a baby felt like a good revenge in a way.

 

Please stop acting like your H is some prize for whom the two of you are competing. He's not the prize.

 

You'll be at your healthiest when you realize the YOU are the prize.

[Heart broke]

Honestly, I don't know what reconciliation looks like yet. I don't know what he can do to make this better, if anything at all.I want to take him back, but obviously I'm not comfortable with doing so for my babies.

 

The worst things he can do are: hurt our kids, use more drugs, or hurt me even worse.

 

I'm not trying to act like he's a prize. I just hope she knows I know.

[BetrayedH]

Honestly, I don't know what reconciliation looks like yet. I don't know what he can do to make this better, if anything at all.I want to take him back, but obviously I'm not comfortable with doing so for my babies.

 

The worst things he can do are: hurt our kids, use more drugs, or hurt me even worse.

 

Ok, that's a fair and honest answer. And it's really not your job to figure out how to fix this. He's the one that dropped several nukes on the marriage and he should be the one to fix it. In fact, someone that is truly remorseful would be taking thr initiative to repair the damage they caused. I'd expect him to be offering transparency, enrolling himself in individual counseling, reading books, and taking other proactive steps to rebuild trust and help you heal. So far it sounds like he's just whimpering like a hurt puppy, as if he is somehow the victim in this scenario. Is he the victim here?

 

I'd suggest you make a list of minimum requirements, just for yourself. And until he's doing all of those things (without spoon-feeding them to him), you proceed with separating this man from your life.

[sandylee1]

Doesn't knowing what he said to his friend about your sex life, heard by your son bother you enough to not want him?

 

Him punching you?

Him grabing your face?

Him smashing the TV

Him telling your DD that crap?

The drugs?

 

Lest we forget the actual cheating?

 

It seems none of the above are enough to end it. Just enough to keep him away for now. Take him back and the message is he can do anything to you and you'll still love him and want him.

[MJJean]

Honestly, I don't know what reconciliation looks like yet. I don't know what he can do to make this better, if anything at all.I want to take him back, but obviously I'm not comfortable with doing so for my babies.

 

The worst things he can do are: hurt our kids, use more drugs, or hurt me even worse.

 

I'm not trying to act like he's a prize. I just hope she knows I know.

 

What you should have done is let her know what hotel he's at (if she hasn't been there with him already) and tell her she is welcome to him because you have no interest in a lying, cheating, abusive, drug addled, sorry excuse for a "man".

 

The idea that you would even consider taking him back makes me vomit in my mouth a little.

[ShatteredLady]

Go & get some drug tests to at least make sure he's being honest about that. Given his deep seated character failings you SHOULD NOT be in the same BUILDING as him if he tests positive.

[Heart broke]

He apologized last night, which was nice. Before anyone freaks out, that doesn't mean he gets to come home. I'm just happy I got an apology, finally. I miss him so much.

[sophinla]

I'm in the camp of reconciliation, especially if the man shows regret. Follow your heart, forgive and do not forget. Lay down the rules and boundaries for him to come back and be firm with them. Divorce is paperwork you can initiate any day, why not give your family a chance?

 

I wish you and your family strength to pull through this.

[merrmeade]

I'm in the camp of reconciliation, especially if the man shows regret. Follow your heart, forgive and do not forget. Lay down the rules and boundaries for him to come back and be firm with them. Divorce is paperwork you can initiate any day, why not give your family a chance?

 

I wish you and your family strength to pull through this.

I think it's a different set of possibilities and recommendations when physical violence enters the picture. Forgiveness means something different to an abuser. It means back to status quo, no need to do any more about it. In other words, "I'm fine. Everything's fine. It won't happen again."

 

Until it does.

[MJJean]

I'm in the camp of reconciliation, especially if the man shows regret. Follow your heart, forgive and do not forget. Lay down the rules and boundaries for him to come back and be firm with them. Divorce is paperwork you can initiate any day, why not give your family a chance?

 

I wish you and your family strength to pull through this.

 

Did you actually read the thread? Particularly paying attention to the physical violence, destruction of property, and drug use?

 

Follow your heart is cute and all that, but I can guarantee you that if someone calls the cops next time he gets violent, social services will get involved and they don't accept "following your heart" as an excuse for letting a violent drug user around the children.