Husband is cheating on me

[wmacbride]

op,

 

it sounds like you need some extra, real life support to leave.

 

Call a local domestic abuse hotline or shelter. They will help you. they have heard this sort of story 100 times before,and they will know what to do.

 

Posting here can be helpful, but you need much more than a bunch of anonymous strangers who can only give words. The hotline , shelter,police, will help you make a plan, execute it and get out safely. The longer you stay, the more danger you and your children are in.

[RecentChange]

Your children are 16 and 14 correct? She is not a little girl, and he is not a boy, I am sure your teenagers are well aware that you are lying and that there is something veey frightening going on in their home.

 

You owe it to them to be strong and quit covering up this bulls**t behavior of your husband!

 

The truth isn't going to hurt them any more than these lies. They know that they are lies. You are teaching them that THIS is how you handle this sort of behavior.

 

Why haven't you called a counselor?

[ShatteredLady]

Your husband in behaving in a terrifying way. He thinks that you are going to try to escape. That's why he wouldn't let you collect your daughter on your own.

 

THIS IS SO DANGEROUS!!!

 

No-one ever believes that it will happen to them.

Does your H have access to a gun?

Why do you refuse to protect yourself & your children?

 

Is he leaving to go to work or is he taking time off to guard you 24/7?

 

Google how many women are KILLED in this situation a year!

[BaileyB]

Your children are teenagers?

 

No doubt, they are very aware of what is going on in the home... They definitely need to know the truth. The truth isn't going to hurt them any more than trying to protect them and covering up the truth of the situation - because they will know what you are doing and they will wonder, worry, and live in fear.

 

By not leaving the home, not calling the police or a counsellor, and not telling your children, you seem to be mostly concerned about protecting your husband.

 

He doesn't deserve your protection. Your children do.

 

You have been through a terrible trauma. You are trying to make a plan, but you need help to deal with this situation. Please, call a counsellor, or a domestic violence hotline... For your children.

Edited December 12, 2016 by BaileyB

[LexiCat29]

Of course not, but I don't think that they'll understand it like that.

 

I am going to leave, or, rather make him leave, but I'm just trying to make sure they don't find out about the affair or him being physical towards me. I don't want them to know and I don't want to cast him in a negative light. I love him.

 

So..he's been physically violent multiple times with you..he's attempted to rape you..he held you captive in your own house..he's a drug addict..and you still want him around your children?

 

What are you going to tell your daughter when she's the one who gets punched instead of you? Sorry honey, daddy matters more to me than you do so suck it up and try to absorb the blow better next time so daddy doesn't bruise his knuckles.

 

I grew up in an abusive home and nobody protected me. I don't speak to my family now. Is this what you want your relationship to be with your kids in the future? You want them out of your lives and angry with you forever?

 

If you won't leave him at least put your children somewhere safe. They need to be protected and you're not doing the job right now.

[40somethingGuy]

I don't want to file a report because I don't want our kids to know. I don't want them to think that about him. I know I should be angry, but I'm not. I'm just sad that my best friend could do that... I'm going through everything in my head that could have led us to this point and I can't think of anything. He keeps texting me asking if I need anything and he's sorry he doesn't know what came over him... I don't think I deserved that.

 

I love him. I don't want to leave him, but I know he'll just keep seeing her. Don't they always?

 

I don't know what I've done to make him want someone else...

 

Your lack of respect for yourself is breaking my heart. Never stay devoted to someone who would punch you especially when he is the one betraying you. PLEASE wake up and take care of yourself. You can't protect the kids forever and this guy doesn't deserve his family.

[Heart broke]

He gave me my keys to take our daughter to school, but only if I promised to come back. When I came back he was still here when he should've left for work. I put my keys down and he grabbed them and walked out.

 

When he came home I told him that if he really loves us he would leave. He would give me at least a week to get myself together. We talked about it for awhile and he agreed to go. I helped him get everything he needed and he begged me to kiss him before he left. I did and told him I love him. He sat in his car and cried for about ten minutes and left. He's been texting me every half hour just random, weird little things, pictures of the hotel room, his key card... that he's lonely. I told him maybe he should've thought about that before he got high.

[BaileyB]

Your lack of respect for yourself is breaking my heart.

 

The drug use is only one of the reasons why you should be asking him to leave.

 

Never, ever, allow a man to take away your freedom. Taking your car keys and telling you not to leave is abhorrent.

 

At least he is out of the house, for now. He is trying to guilt you into taking him back. Don't fall for it. He remains very unpredictable and he has demonstrated that can become violent when he feels pressured/threatened.

 

You really are playing a dangerous game with is man. Be careful.

Edited December 12, 2016 by BaileyB

[LexiCat29]

He gave me my keys to take our daughter to school, but only if I promised to come back. When I came back he was still here when he should've left for work. I put my keys down and he grabbed them and walked out.

 

When he came home I told him that if he really loves us he would leave. He would give me at least a week to get myself together. We talked about it for awhile and he agreed to go. I helped him get everything he needed and he begged me to kiss him before he left. I did and told him I love him. He sat in his car and cried for about ten minutes and left. He's been texting me every half hour just random, weird little things, pictures of the hotel room, his key card... that he's lonely. I told him maybe he should've thought about that before he got high.

 

GOOD FOR YOU!!!!! Don't let the crying get to you, it's fake. He's not crying because he's losing you or his children, he's crying because he knows this is the end of the line for his easy life.

 

He doesn't cry for you, he cries for himself.

 

Please please please, for the sake of your children, stick to your guns on this. Find a lawyer and figure out how to get full custody of your kids and begin divorce proceedings ASAP. This loser will never change as long as you're around to enable him.

[RecentChange]

Heart broke, good for you for staying strong and making him leave.

 

Perhaps now he is starting to realize that his choices have consequences.

 

He choose to do drugs

He choose to have sex with some other woman

He choose to hit and intimate you

He choose to call you names and demean you

He choose to dishonor you, his children and himself

 

Now he has to face those choices. He has to deal with the pain that he has single handedly caused, you and himself.

 

Now, will he be a man, and face all of this? Show true remorse and not hide behind drugs and easy sex... I am not very hopeful.

 

He has shown himself to be a very weak man. Blaming his wife, and then hitting her for his short comings.

[Heart broke]

It's so weird without him here. It's quiet. One thing I did notice though was that my son was acting different. I don't really know how, but it wasn't the same. It was almost like he was more relaxed or something.

 

He called me when the kids were in bed. He kept saying he was lonely and sad, but I just changed the subject every time he said that. I don't think we've actually sat and talked like that in years. It was nice. (And no, it didn't weaken me. He has to stay away for at least a week. I'm putting my foot down.)

[whichwayisup]

It's so weird without him here. It's quiet. One thing I did notice though was that my son was acting different. I don't really know how, but it wasn't the same. It was almost like he was more relaxed or something.

 

He called me when the kids were in bed. He kept saying he was lonely and sad, but I just changed the subject every time he said that. I don't think we've actually sat and talked like that in years. It was nice. (And no, it didn't weaken me. He has to stay away for at least a week. I'm putting my foot down.)

 

Of course your kids know 'something' they aren't stupid, they feel the bad energy and now that's he's gone, the energy is better and happier, less stressful.

 

Kids listen to conversations, kids snoop, so don't be surprised if they know a lot more than you realize. Just sayin'.

 

be strong and don't cave. He will try to manipulate you to allow him to come back. Don't!!

[Heart broke]

I heard a sad exchange between my kids this morning... my daughter said she hopes her dad comes back soon, and my son said she shouldn't because he's"a psychotic @sshole" then said "I hope he does us a favor and kills himself because he's fat." I hurried and walked in to stop the conversation. I'm trying to figure out how to tell him he shouldn't say things like that about people. I'm going to get him into counseling too.

 

My husband sent huge things of flowers today, and called me, and told me about how his whole morning was depressing and a bunch of other stuff. That made me sad, I do feel bad for him and can't imagine what he must be going through right now.

[cocorico]

I heard a sad exchange between my kids this morning... my daughter said she hopes her dad comes back soon, and my son said she shouldn't because he's"a psychotic @sshole" then said "I hope he does us a favor and kills himself because he's fat." I hurried and walked in to stop the conversation. I'm trying to figure out how to tell him he shouldn't say things like that about people. I'm going to get him into counseling too.

 

My husband sent huge things of flowers today, and called me, and told me about how his whole morning was depressing and a bunch of other stuff. That made me sad, I do feel bad for him and can't imagine what he must be going through right now.

 

Why are you more concerned about the feelings of your errant husband - who caused all of this - than those of your son and daughter, who are victims? I won't even mention your own feelings, because clearly those don't matter to you - you are willing to be beaten, imprisoned and emotionally abused just to protect him, even if it puts your children at risk in the process. Please stop and think. If you can't do this for yourself (and I'm not judging; it's common among abused women who stay in abusive relationships) then please do it for your kids. Lay charges, get an interdict / protection order so that next time he attacks you (and yes, there will be a next time - he's already done it twice in a matter of days) there is a paper trail that gets him arrested and locked up quickly - before your kids have to visit you in hospital or at the morgue.

[BaileyB]

Very sad. The kind of behavior your husband has demonstrated recently rarely develops suddenly. Certainly, drug you can excelerate the bad behavior... But I can imagine that your son has been watching your husband or a long time and his anger and resentment has been building for a while. Counselling would be very helpful.

[Married1988]

I heard a sad exchange between my kids this morning... my daughter said she hopes her dad comes back soon, and my son said she shouldn't because he's"a psychotic @sshole" then said "I hope he does us a favor and kills himself because he's fat." I hurried and walked in to stop the conversation. I'm trying to figure out how to tell him he shouldn't say things like that about people. I'm going to get him into counseling too.

 

[B]My husband sent huge things of flowers today, and called me, and told me about how his whole morning was depressing and a bunch of other stuff. That made me sad, I do feel bad for him and can't imagine what he must be going through right now.[/b]

 

This is the cycle of abuse. He hurts you, belitter you and when you tell him to leave, he is so sorry. So that is where the flowers comes in. He is telling you how depressed he is, how much his life sucks right now. Is there any mention of how sorry he feels for what he has done to you. NO! Because he is selfish, unremorseful and only thinking about himself. Don't feel sorry for him because he brought this on himself.

 

As for your children and you, getting counseling for all three of you would be the best option. Them watching their parents self-destruct is not healthy. Your son recognizes what his father has done, even if he doesn't know is the whole story is not healthy. Your daughter doesn't understand what is going on which is understandable based on her reaction.

 

I'm really afraid for you and your kids safety. You obviously dont' realize how much control mentally this man has on you. I'm not judging you but am genuinely concerned.

[BaileyB]

Absolutely, this is the cycle of abuse.

 

And without judgment, heart broke is contributing to the cycle of abuse by sympathizing with the abuser. By doing that, she puts herself and her kids at risk.

 

He is not terribly sorry for what he has done, or the pain he has caused. He's not thinking about you, he's thinking primarily about himself... And how lonely and lost and unhappy he is by being put out of the house. He has yet to accept responsibility for his actions - he should start with drug treatment, counselling, and anger management. All he knows that his life has changed and he wants things to go back to the way they were before the most recent incident... He wants to regain control of you and the situation.

 

Stay strong! Don't fall for his manipulation. Your kids physical and emotional safety must always come first!

[Married1988]

Absolutely, this is the cycle of abuse.

 

And without judgment, heart broke is contributing to the cycle of abuse by sympathizing with the abuser. By doing that, she puts herself and her kids at risk.

 

He is not terribly sorry for what he has done, or the pain he has caused. He's not thinking about you, he's thinking primarily about himself... And how lonely and lost and unhappy he is by being put out of the house. He has yet to accept responsibility for his actions - he should start with drug treatment, counselling, and anger management. All he knows that his life has changed and he wants things to go back to the way they were before the most recent incident... He wants to regain control of you and the situation.

 

Stay strong! Don't fall for his manipulation. Your kids physical and emotional safety must always come first!

 

 

The sad thing is I don't think she realizes what she is doing. I do wonder how long this had been going on. I wonder if he has been at the very least emotionally abusive for a big portion of their marriage. Because she seems so accustome to it. And from her own words, her son blowing up seemed like a build up of anger. At the very least she needs to charge him with domestic violence. Cheating on her, the drug use, phyiscal abuse and yet she still thinking about how he feels. I really hope she can get it together. Because someone needs to look out for her kids otherwise.

 

Heart Broke, I really really hope you the best.

[elaine567]

I heard a sad exchange between my kids this morning... my daughter said she hopes her dad comes back soon, and my son said she shouldn't because he's"a psychotic @sshole" then said "I hope he does us a favor and kills himself because he's fat." I hurried and walked in to stop the conversation. I'm trying to figure out how to tell him he shouldn't say things like that about people. I'm going to get him into counseling too.

 

My husband sent huge things of flowers today, and called me, and told me about how his whole morning was depressing and a bunch of other stuff. That made me sad, I do feel bad for him and can't imagine what he must be going through right now.

 

YOU are going to chastise your son and put him into therapy, all for the sake of pandering to your abusive husband.

Not one ounce of sympathy for your poor innocent son who is being ruined every day he spends with your "psychotic @sshole" of a husband...

 

A huge bunch of flowers and a pity play from your husband and you are putty in his hands..

 

"The combination of consistently bad or inadequate behavior and frequent pity plays... is the closest thing to a warning you’ll ever get that you are being manipulated by a sociopath."

[Married1988]

YOU are going to chastise your son and put him into therapy.

 

Her son is going to need therapy because what he is viewing is not normal. His mother won't be there for him and that will mess him up. I feel so bad and I really hope the original poster can see the light for not just her children but for herself.

[elaine567]

Her son is going to need therapy because what he is viewing is not normal. His mother won't be there for him and that will mess him up. I feel so bad and I really hope the original poster can see the light for not just her children but for herself.

 

I once knew a guy whose father used to beat him and his mother up. He obviously was not happy with his father, but he hated his mother.

I asked him why? Surely she was also the victim.

He said his mother did not protect him from his ogre of a father. as mothers are supposed to do for their children...

I then understood.

[BaileyB]

A sincere question for you heart broke,

 

I know that you are having a very difficult time with everything and as much as we have been encouraging you to take some hard steps... It is with the greatest concern and compassion.

 

With the same concern and compassion, I will ask - have you spoken with your children? What have you told them about what has happened? As a mother, have you asked them how they are feeling about what they've seen and heard this past week? Or, have you left them to process their feelings and let their little minds wander because you are having a hard time explaining what happened and want to protect their father?

[RecentChange]

My husband sent huge things of flowers today, and called me, and told me about how his whole morning was depressing and a bunch of other stuff. That made me sad, I do feel bad for him and can't imagine what he must be going through right now.

 

What a weak human being (him not you) You can't imagine what he is going through!?

 

Is he trying to imagine what you are going through? Is he wondering what it would be like to hold up his end of the marriage, be a good husband, cater to your needs, keep his body up to stay sexy for you....

 

Only for you to let your body go. What it would be like if you went and used illegal drugs with some low life and started having sex with him. If he confronted you and you called him an idiot, pathetic, kicked him and then told him not to be such a pussy?

 

Is he wondering what it would be like to be the perfect husband only to have you piss on it all, and scare your beloved children?

 

Look, I cheated. And when confronted I grovelled, and did everything I could to support him. And part of that was dealing with my own pain and not laying it on him. I know I had inflicted enough, and to then expect him to support me for the hurt I had caused myself would have been BEYOND SELFISH to make that his problem as well.

 

So now you feel bad, that he feels bad about what he has done. HE SHOULD FEEL BAD! HE SHOULD FEEL DESTROYED. He ruined everything. He did. He needs to know this. He should feel lonely, depressed and bad. This is the bed he made, and now he can lie in it.

 

Please stop feeling bad for him. You really need to find your anger. He should be strong for you and a shoulder to cry on, not whining to you about being lonely

Edited December 14, 2016 by RecentChange

[Steen719]

Why are you more concerned about the feelings of your errant husband - who caused all of this - than those of your son and daughter, who are victims? I won't even mention your own feelings, because clearly those don't matter to you - you are willing to be beaten, imprisoned and emotionally abused just to protect him, even if it puts your children at risk in the process. Please stop and think. If you can't do this for yourself (and I'm not judging; it's common among abused women who stay in abusive relationships) then please do it for your kids. Lay charges, get an interdict / protection order so that next time he attacks you (and yes, there will be a next time - he's already done it twice in a matter of days) there is a paper trail that gets him arrested and locked up quickly - before your kids have to visit you in hospital or at the morgue.

 

 

My God, if this isn't the truth, nothing is.

 

You are feeling sorry for the wrong person. Your son already knows his father has issues - calling him fat is a way to express his disgust instead of trying to express what he thinks he knows.

 

Your poor daughter is confused and doesn't know what is going on and you are not being honest with her. Or your son, for that matter.

 

You are not even being honest with yourself.

 

What in the world will happen to your kids if your H kills you? Think it can't happen. Spend some of your quiet time reading some information about how abusers treat their victims. Victims equals you, your son and your daughter. Can you imagine your son feeling like he has to protect your daughter and you if something happens again with your H? What if your H turns on him? Horrible. Think he can't do it? You didn't think he would do what he did. No self-control and trying to keep you there against your will.

 

Why are you wasting your emotions feeling sad for your H? FEEL FOR YOUR KIDS!

 

I'm sorry you are in this and honestly, I am not trying to be mean. I am sure you are devastated. You are letting him manipulate you and you have misplaced your sympathy.

 

PROTECT YOUR KIDS AND YOURSELF.

 

It is one thing to stay with a cheater. I did, at least until he did it again. It is entirely a different thing to put your children at risk and you are. Yes, ma'am, you are and if you do not see this, take yourself to a counselor FAST. AND CALL THE POLICE.

 

Good luck.

[BaileyB]

It is not acceptable to put your children at risk. If you chose a man over the safety of your children, then you are equally to blame.

 

Your kids know what is going on in the home. If you talk with them, I think you would be surprised to hear what they may share. Your son is angry at his father already and he will be more angry with you if you don't tell him the truth, get his some help, and keep both your son and daughter safe.

 

You have been slow to see the danger - staying in the home when he raged and took your keys, minimizing the physical and emotional abuse, and refusing to call the police when he broke the law and you were in imminent danger.

 

I hate to say it, but if you allow this man back in the home and/or the children are living in a home where physical and emotional abuse is tolerated, you are exposing yourself to a child protection complaint. If I was a neighbour or a parent of one of their friends, I would have no problem calling child protection to disclose your husbands behavior and my concern for the safety of your children. An investigation would only contribute to the pain that you, and they, are already feeling... But, it is the only responsible thing to do if you are not able to protect them yourself.

 

Just keep that in mind. Talk with them. Be honest. Get them some help. And, don't allow them to be raised in a home where their needs come second to their lying, abusive father.... It could destroy your family and your children will hate you both forever.

 

Recent change said it best... You should not be feeling sympathy for this man. You really need to find your anger. He is destroying everything you have built together, including your hopes and dreams for the future. I would be absolutely furious with him and desperate to save myself and my children.

Edited December 14, 2016 by BaileyB