Husband is cheating on me

[whichwayisup]

I heard a sad exchange between my kids this morning... my daughter said she hopes her dad comes back soon, and my son said she shouldn't because he's"a psychotic @sshole" then said "I hope he does us a favor and kills himself because he's fat." I hurried and walked in to stop the conversation. I'm trying to figure out how to tell him he shouldn't say things like that about people. I'm going to get him into counseling too.

 

My husband sent huge things of flowers today, and called me, and told me about how his whole morning was depressing and a bunch of other stuff. That made me sad, I do feel bad for him and can't imagine what he must be going through right now.

 

Allow your kids to feel the way they need to. BOTH your kids need counseling, not just your son. Maybe some family counseling, both you and your kids go together too.

 

Your husband is trying to manipulate you, pulling out all the stops. Trying to make you feel bad for him and it's working. He knows how to push your buttons, so please don't let him!!! Harden your heart when it comes to him.

[SweetiePi]

Allow me to take a trip into the future of YOUR KIDS from my perspective. The abuse will continue. It may eventually trickle down to them. Even if he never hits them, they might witness him abuse you. I came from this type of home. Mom thought I never saw anything, but at a tender age I was horrified when I saw my dad drag my mom down the hall by the hair when I was "supposed to be sleeping". I ended up with PTSD and to this day am still working it all out in therapy. If you continue to stay and allow this, your son will become a very angry young man and maybe your daughter will have to battle mental illness or PTSD. If it goes far enough, both your children could come to hate you for not protecting them from this.

 

 

Is this what you want for your children?

 

 

I never blamed my mom... she set a plan to be financially stable the moment she saw me get kicked in the back. I loved her for taking me away from a painful household. Be an awesome mom like mine was and protect your kids

 

 

 

I heard a sad exchange between my kids this morning... my daughter said she hopes her dad comes back soon, and my son said she shouldn't because he's"a psychotic @sshole" then said "I hope he does us a favor and kills himself because he's fat." I hurried and walked in to stop the conversation. I'm trying to figure out how to tell him he shouldn't say things like that about people. I'm going to get him into counseling too.

 

My husband sent huge things of flowers today, and called me, and told me about how his whole morning was depressing and a bunch of other stuff. That made me sad, I do feel bad for him and can't imagine what he must be going through right now.

[Heart broke]

While my daughter was in the shower I took the opportunity to ask my son what he knew. I wasn't mad, but I needed to know and what had he said to his sister. He told me he was in the next room when I found out about the affair, and he heard everything. That hurt worse than the punch in the stomach did. He also told me my husband called his best friend the N word a few weeks ago and now he's afraid to hang out with him at our house. He was also present when an inappropriate conversation between my husband and the friend that introduced him to the affair partner took place a few months ago. It was a conversation about our sex life... I'm not surprised the conversation itself took place, but I'm very angry it was talked about in front of our son. He said he hasn't said anything to his sister.

 

I'm so embarrassed. After he told me he knew I just couldn't look him in eye. I feel like I've failed as a woman, a mother and a partner.

 

When he called me tonight I asked if he's also been calling her. He started asking why I would accuse him of that, and I said because it's what I expect... why should he pass up the opportunity? He sent me screenshots of their "break up" texts and sent me her number so I could call her and ask her myself.

[whichwayisup]

While my daughter was in the shower I took the opportunity to ask my son what he knew. I wasn't mad, but I needed to know and what had he said to his sister. He told me he was in the next room when I found out about the affair, and he heard everything. That hurt worse than the punch in the stomach did. He also told me my husband called his best friend the N word a few weeks ago and now he's afraid to hang out with him at our house. He was also present when an inappropriate conversation between my husband and the friend that introduced him to the affair partner took place a few months ago. It was a conversation about our sex life... I'm not surprised the conversation itself took place, but I'm very angry it was talked about in front of our son. He said he hasn't said anything to his sister.

 

I'm so embarrassed. After he told me he knew I just couldn't look him in eye. I feel like I've failed as a woman, a mother and a partner.

 

When he called me tonight I asked if he's also been calling her. He started asking why I would accuse him of that, and I said because it's what I expect... why should he pass up the opportunity? He sent me screenshots of their "break up" texts and sent me her number so I could call her and ask her myself.

 

DIVORCE your husband. He's disgusting and has hurt ALL of you. This isn't just about you and him, it's about keeping your daughter and son safe and in a healthy thriving environment. That means not having their dad around at all, he's toxic and your son is wise, he knows and 'gets it'.

 

You have a chance RIGHT NOW to change your life, their life... For the better and that means filing for divorce. Forget about your H, those texts and the OW... That is just mindless drama you don't need to get into.

[hestheone66]

I stayed with a toxic narcissist who had for years tried to me feel responsible for his emotions. When he would storm out instead of feeling loss, I felt relief.

 

I was unable to find the strength to kick him out for his bike verbal abuse to myself and two children from previous relationship...i let them down... however the day he called our son Retarded simply for not remembering to close a door when he was 8 years old I knew that by not leaving, I was complicit in child abuse.

 

Once I made my children's emotional safety my priority it was like his pain never registered..if he would become homeless I just didn't care. He had sponged off me for years and not helped with anything yet still moaned about my various inadequacies...

 

I realised whenever he looked deep in my eyes with tears saying how he loved me fiercely...it was all a carefully manufactured lie...a narcissist cannot love...they just suck it from their victims but play so many complicated head ****s they convince u they must be genuine..

 

After 12 years I got him out and haven't had any contact for 6 blissful years. I've never felt so free and I have the true loving devotion of a successful, Solid, compassionate man...

 

Do this for your kids first, when you are out you will gain strength from them..

[mrs rubble]

Allow me to take a trip into the future of YOUR KIDS from my perspective. The abuse will continue. It may eventually trickle down to them. Even if he never hits them, they might witness him abuse you. I came from this type of home. Mom thought I never saw anything, but at a tender age I was horrified when I saw my dad drag my mom down the hall by the hair when I was "supposed to be sleeping". I ended up with PTSD and to this day am still working it all out in therapy. If you continue to stay and allow this, your son will become a very angry young man and maybe your daughter will have to battle mental illness or PTSD. If it goes far enough, both your children could come to hate you for not protecting them from this.

 

 

Is this what you want for your children?

 

 

I never blamed my mom... she set a plan to be financially stable the moment she saw me get kicked in the back. I loved her for taking me away from a painful household. Be an awesome mom like mine was and protect your kids

Absolutely true, I had the same experience with my children and ex.

When my ex attacked my oldest son, we had the police come and take him away. The youngest boy suffered behavioural issues was diagnosed with PTSD. The older boy wasn't his and didn't suffer quite as much even though he was the assault victim on the day it ended.

I took them both to counselling as well as my self, 10years later we're all doing ok.

I hate to think what might have happened if we stayed.

 

 

I hope Heart broke takes notice of our posts and personal experiences, before she enables her husband to totally destroy these kids lives.

[elaine567]

While my daughter was in the shower I took the opportunity to ask my son what he knew. I wasn't mad, but I needed to know and what had he said to his sister. He told me he was in the next room when I found out about the affair, and he heard everything. That hurt worse than the punch in the stomach did. He also told me my husband called his best friend the N word a few weeks ago and now he's afraid to hang out with him at our house. He was also present when an inappropriate conversation between my husband and the friend that introduced him to the affair partner took place a few months ago. It was a conversation about our sex life... I'm not surprised the conversation itself took place, but I'm very angry it was talked about in front of our son. He said he hasn't said anything to his sister.

 

 

His sister may have a different but similar story to tell. She may not have heard those particular conversations but no doubt she will have heard similar ones.

You may think you have lived in an abusive bubble but your kids will know

and they will have both been damaged by it.

[BaileyB]

While my daughter was in the shower I took the opportunity to ask my son what he knew. I wasn't mad, but I needed to know and what had he said to his sister. He told me he was in the next room when I found out about the affair, and he heard everything. That hurt worse than the punch in the stomach did. He also told me my husband called his best friend the N word a few weeks ago and now he's afraid to hang out with him at our house. He was also present when an inappropriate conversation between my husband and the friend that introduced him to the affair partner took place a few months ago. It was a conversation about our sex life... I'm not surprised the conversation itself took place, but I'm very angry it was talked about in front of our son. He said he hasn't said anything to his sister.

 

I'm so embarrassed. After he told me he knew I just couldn't look him in eye. I feel like I've failed as a woman, a mother and a partner.

 

When he called me tonight I asked if he's also been calling her. He started asking why I would accuse him of that, and I said because it's what I expect... why should he pass up the opportunity? He sent me screenshots of their "break up" texts and sent me her number so I could call her and ask her myself.

 

I'm not surprised that he knew way more than you would have thought.

 

And, you haven't failed as a woman, mother, or partner. I could tell you again that it's not your failing, it is HIS FAILING but you continue to take the blame on yourself... I wish you would stop doing that.

 

You have not failed as a mother - yet! You still have every opportunity to be the hero those children deserve. If you can find the strength to really kick this man to the curb... Your children will love you and thank you forever.

 

If you let him back in the house again... If you allow the physical and emotional abuse to escalate and those children are in fear and at risk... That's when you are complicit in child abuse and then, you will have failed.

 

It's your choice. Protect your children - they have nobody else.

[BaileyB]

And if I may, you should be so proud of your son. He was honest with you and he did not hide the hard truth... That is not easy to do.

 

He is asking for your help. Don't let him down...

[eightytwenty]

I hate to hear this kind of stuff. No man should ever hit a woman, Never EVER his wife. His trying to get you in submission and he's winning.

 

 

He now has gotten away with hitting you, you know what's next, he'll start hitting you more and/or hitting the kids. I know because I was a child in this exact same situation but without cheating, and it was my mother that hit.

 

 

I blamed my Dad, he wouldn't leave because he was selfish and just turned his eye on it. I knew my mother was psycho, my dad knew, but he wouldn't leave. it was a lot of reason but he should of left. I will never forgive him, while I love him and we have made peace, I can't fully trust him. He allowed me to get hit, why would I leave my child alone with him and my stepmother. It's HARD.

 

 

So coming from the child, and I was your daughters age. They are aware, they will talk to each other. You need to leave to save yourself and your children. They won't forgive you if he hits them, he might not but if he can do that to you, he is fully capable of losing it with them, and hit them. I can tell you are a great mom, but go the next level and protect them before it happens.

[cocorico]

When he called me tonight I asked if he's also been calling her.

 

Speaking to him isn't doing you any good. It's allowing him to play mind games with you, and keeps you locked into the cycle of abuse.

 

He sent me screenshots of their "break up" texts and sent me her number so I could call her and ask her myself.

 

So he's playing mind games with her, too. I wonder if he also beats her, also imprisons her, also sends her flowers the next day so that she feels sorry for him instead of herself. Or perhaps he's saving that for when she's bought him stuff he can smash, too.

 

This man is dangerous. Protect yourself and your kids.

[cocorico]

While my daughter was in the shower I took the opportunity to ask my son what he knew. I wasn't mad, but I needed to know and what had he said to his sister. He told me he was in the next room when I found out about the affair, and he heard everything. That hurt worse than the punch in the stomach did. He also told me my husband called his best friend the N word a few weeks ago and now he's afraid to hang out with him at our house. He was also present when an inappropriate conversation between my husband and the friend that introduced him to the affair partner took place a few months ago. It was a conversation about our sex life... I'm not surprised the conversation itself took place, but I'm very angry it was talked about in front of our son. He said he hasn't said anything to his sister.

 

I'm so embarrassed. After he told me he knew I just couldn't look him in eye. I feel like I've failed as a woman, a mother and a partner.

 

Embarrassed is not the appropriate response here. You have done nothing to be embarrassed about. Alarmed would be a more appropriate response. This poor kid is - and has been - carrying this burden because he feels he needs to parent and protect you.

 

You have not *yet* failed as a mother - but if you don't take action to protect your kids, knowing now that at least one of them knows - then you will have.

 

Your kids don't only need counselling,hey need protection, and they need security. And you can't provide that with your H still on the scene / in the background / in your head.

 

Why does an abusive &£@#%$¥ matter more to you than your kids?

[eightytwenty]

 

Why does an abusive &£@#%$¥ matter more to you than your kids?

 

 

 

This exactly!!!! your son opened up to you, to get you to do something. Don't keep thinking your husband will change, he's not and its going to get worse. He'll send you those "break up" messages and still go behind your back, might not with her but he'll go to another.

 

 

Be the mother, turn into the mama bear and protect. your husband shouldn't matter if its between your children or him. Don't think you failed, you only will fail if you don't do something, and he does something worse. Don't give him the chance.

[anika99]

I'm so embarrassed. After he told me he knew I just couldn't look him in eye. I feel like I've failed as a woman, a mother and a partner.

 

What the hell? Your son opened up to you and your only response was to feel embarrassed over your image? In another post you said you heard him tell his sister that his father is a psychotic ass and you were going to tell him that wasn't nice and put him in counselling.

 

In reading this thread I've gotten the impression that your image is very very important to you. So important that you skew your reality and the reality of your children in order to protect this image you have of yourself and your life. The strongest feeling you seem to have had throughout this whole ordeal is embarrassment. You said you were embarrassed that your husband cheated on you, embarrassed that he hit you, now your embarrassed that your son knows and has likely known for a long time that your husband is not right in the head. I suspect that you have spent many years rug sweeping and twisting reality to match the picture you have of yourself and your family in your head.

 

And your embarrassment keeps you from being able to look your son in the eye? When you need to be embracing him and loving him, instead you focus on your own feelings and the loss of your precious June cleaver image? Time to face reality and get over your imagined important image. Your family is in trouble and your kids need you so stop wallowing in your embarrassment and take care of them. Good for you for getting your husband out of the house. Do not let him back in a week. He needs serious professional help and even your son knows that.

[BTDT2012]

Embarrassed is not the appropriate response here. You have done nothing to be embarrassed about. Alarmed would be a more appropriate response. This poor kid is - and has been - carrying this burden because he feels he needs to parent and protect you.

 

You have not *yet* failed as a mother - but if you don't take action to protect your kids, knowing now that at least one of them knows - then you will have.

 

Your kids don't only need counselling,hey need protection, and they need security. And you can't provide that with your H still on the scene / in the background / in your head.

 

Why does an abusive &£@#%$¥ matter more to you than your kids?

^^^^^^

This! 1,0000 times.

[Heart broke]

I did embrace my son and gave him kisses after we talked. I love him. My kids are the most important people in my life, over my husband. I had no idea about some of the things my son told me and its going to make me change things.

 

I talk to my husband because he's my best friend. I wouldn't know what to do without talking to him every day. This is someone I've known since I was thirteen and been with since I was sixteen, so there's a lot of history there. I'm never going to be able to replace that. Also I don't think it's wrong to be embarrassed that I wasn't enough for my husband, or that my child now knows that I wasn't either when I've spent my whole life trying to be a good wife and mother.

[Married1988]

I did embrace my son and gave him kisses after we talked. I love him. My kids are the most important people in my life, over my husband. I had no idea about some of the things my son told me and its going to make me change things.

 

I talk to my husband because he's my best friend. I wouldn't know what to do without talking to him every day. This is someone I've known since I was thirteen and been with since I was sixteen, so there's a lot of history there. I'm never going to be able to replace that. Also I don't think it's wrong to be embarrassed that I wasn't enough for my husband, or that my child now knows that I wasn't either when I've spent my whole life trying to be a good wife and mother.

 

 

I was with my husband since I was 17 years old, and I'm now 48. Let me tell you there is nothing to be embarrassed about. Nothing you did make your husband do what he did to you. I was too a good wife, a good mother and did everything for that man. There was nothing I could've or would've have done differently. They cheated because they wanted too. He's abusing you because it is something wrong within himself, that you can't change. You really need to stop blaming yourself. This unjustifiable guilt will eat you up inside. I understand having a lot of history. I understand one hundred percent. But at the end of the day your children need to come first.

[eye of the storm]

I did embrace my son and gave him kisses after we talked. I love him. My kids are the most important people in my life, over my husband. I had no idea about some of the things my son told me and its going to make me change things.

 

I talk to my husband because he's my best friend. I wouldn't know what to do without talking to him every day. This is someone I've known since I was thirteen and been with since I was sixteen, so there's a lot of history there. I'm never going to be able to replace that. Also I don't think it's wrong to be embarrassed that I wasn't enough for my husband, or that my child now knows that I wasn't either when I've spent my whole life trying to be a good wife and mother.

 

Heartbroke. Best friends do not hit each other. You want him to be your best friend, you pretend he is your best friend. But he is not. You state you can never replace what you have. Good. You deserve better. History is over rated. We like to paint it with pretty colors. Focus on your future. Your children's future.

 

It is wrong to be embarrassed you weren't enough for your H. Because this has nothing to do with you! You could have been the perfect wife and he would still have cheated. When a spouse cheats it is because they want to, not because their BS wasn't enough.

 

However, it isn't wrong to be embarrassed that your child thinks your weren't enough for your H. Because you should never teach your children that they are responsible for others happiness and behavior.

 

Get into counseling. Get your children into counseling. Get a lawyer and a restraining order.

 

You have been abused. Children who watch their parents abuse/being abused tend to recreate that in their homes. Do you want your son to hit his W? Do you want your daughter to think being hit is ok? You need to stop pretending all is ok and this is just a hiccup. You need intense therapy and so does your children. Do not downplay this to your son. He is angry his mother is being treated like this and he should be.

[MissG]

If somebody in this situation should be embarrassed it's your WH, not you. He's the one who uses inappropriate language in front of his children, calls their friends names, cusses you out, is violent, abusive and cheats. He doesn't care about anybody's feelings but his own. And what he's got to lose. And what he's got to go through now after his poor choices. But guess what? He's most likely NOT embarrassed. Because he's too busy manipulation the situation and blaming everybody else for what has happened. And you eat it all up.

 

You believe that you've been a bad sex partner, wife, mother and whatnot. Why? Because he wants you to believe just that. Because he blames you and because you take the blame.

 

Ok - if you really want/need to, then go ahead and be embarrassed - but be embarrassed not because he chose to cheat, which put you in this situation in the first place - instead, be embarrassed because you're dealing with the fallout in a completely counterproductive manner. You're not helping anyone. Not yourself, not your kids, not your marriage, not your future. And stop calling him your best friend. He is not your friend. He didn't act like your friend. He can say what he wants and you can have all kinds of memories and a history, but if he doesn't act like your friend then he's not your friend. Protect your children. Show them strength. Give them guidance. Heck, get yourself some guidance from friends and family, maybe see a counselor, and then make a plan! And follow through. You're in charge. He's not in charge.

[Married1988]

heartbroke. Best friends do not hit each other. You want him to be your best friend, you pretend he is your best friend. But he is not. You state you can never replace what you have. Good. You deserve better. History is over rated. We like to paint it with pretty colors. Focus on your future. Your children's future.

 

It is wrong to be embarrassed you weren't enough for your h. Because this has nothing to do with you! You could have been the perfect wife and he would still have cheated. When a spouse cheats it is because they want to, not because their bs wasn't enough.

 

However, it isn't wrong to be embarrassed that your child thinks your weren't enough for your h. Because you should never teach your children that they are responsible for others happiness and behavior.

 

Get into counseling. Get your children into counseling. Get a lawyer and a restraining order.

 

You have been abused. Children who watch their parents abuse/being abused tend to recreate that in their homes. Do you want your son to hit his w? Do you want your daughter to think being hit is ok? You need to stop pretending all is ok and this is just a hiccup. You need intense therapy and so does your children. Do not downplay this to your son. He is angry his mother is being treated like this and he should be.

 

this is spot on!

[BaileyB]

With all due respect, you WERE enough for your husband.

 

He has not been enough for you. He has let you down. You have nothing to be ashamed about.

 

Your son understands this... He is placing the blame with your husband and looking to you to be the leader of your family now. It's just sad that you don't understand this - yet.

Edited December 14, 2016 by BaileyB

[VeveCakes]

OP you need to pull yourself together.

 

Its one thing to allow yourself to be continually abused, but it is a completely different thing to allow it and allow your children to witness this. You have NO idea what you are teaching your kids in this scenario. They will be damaged and resent you for staying with him.

 

Kids know more than you know, which you have now seen with your son.

 

A man who lays his hand on you is no man at all. It will only escalate. He wants to have another baby so you can't leave. This is typical with abusers. Have the woman stay at home and have babies so they have no way to leave when something like this happens.

 

End it with this man already. If not for you, for your children.

[eightytwenty]

 

I talk to my husband because he's my best friend. I wouldn't know what to do without talking to him every day. This is someone I've known since I was thirteen and been with since I was sixteen, so there's a lot of history there. I'm never going to be able to replace that. Also I don't think it's wrong to be embarrassed that I wasn't enough for my husband, or that my child now knows that I wasn't either when I've spent my whole life trying to be a good wife and mother.

He isn't your bestfriend, don't you get that!!! He's cheated, lied, and hit you! That isn't a friend, that's a enemy!!! You need to get a backbone. So what about the memories, so what about the history. He is going to hit you or your children and you are crying because a jerk is being a jerk and blame shifting on you. I can't believe you're upset over something like this and possibly allowing he to go further and hurt your child. You shouldn't be embarrassed because it wasn't what you did/didn't do to make him cheat, HE DID it. He didn't try to fix what ever issues he thought there was, he just went to someone else to get a piece, because I'm sure he knew you wouldn't do anything about it. AGAIN, he didn't try to fix anything he left, if he wanted to fix the issues he would of came to you to fix it. You should be MAD, MADDER that he did drugs, and super pissed that he hit you!

 

 

You'll learn what to do without him, but I really hope for your kids you get a backbone and leave the monster before you regret it.

[LexiCat29]

I did embrace my son and gave him kisses after we talked. I love him. My kids are the most important people in my life, over my husband. I had no idea about some of the things my son told me and its going to make me change things.

 

I talk to my husband because he's my best friend. I wouldn't know what to do without talking to him every day. This is someone I've known since I was thirteen and been with since I was sixteen, so there's a lot of history there. I'm never going to be able to replace that. Also I don't think it's wrong to be embarrassed that I wasn't enough for my husband, or that my child now knows that I wasn't either when I've spent my whole life trying to be a good wife and mother.

 

Who cares about history??? Why is that more important to you than your kids?

 

What happens when he starts using your son as a punching bag instead of you? Is history and friendship going to matter then?

 

Your 'best friend' hits you, tries to rape you, holds you captive in your own house, and has sex with other women (I guarantee this was not his first affair and that it won't be his last..abusers are arrogant and self-serving.).

 

What would you tell someone else whose husband did that to her?

[ShatteredLady]

So your 'best friend' is teaching your son to be a racist AND how to talk to his friends inappropriately about his wife?!?! How DARE HE talk about your sex life with your child in the room!!! How dare he talk about you like that FULL STOP!!

 

WHY would you have a 'friend' like that?

 

I can believe that he's having a crazy & the womanizing is out of character but someone does NOT suddenly become a racist over night. A man doesn't become a childish oafish boar who has conversations like that, acting 'The Man' ugh! for his pathetic friend. REALLY???

 

Does he have a history of drug use? Seems a bit strange that you've known him since his teenage years & he's never been into drugs yet he dives straight into a cocaine habit & a woman like that!!

 

I'm a hapless romantic who's recently admitted to herself that she's been rewriting her marital history for a very, VERY long time. I still think it's ok to wear rose-tinted glasses when we look at our husbands....when it's LITTLE things but now it's sadly time to take them off. Your husband is not a nice man. He isn't a man I would have around my children for a moment. Why are you subjecting your kids to him for a lifetime??

 

You need to start a record of his behavior with the police. It will protect you now & it will protect your children when it comes to custody.... Unless you're happy to raise racists who think it's ok to treat women like trash.

 

I'm so very sorry. Please be strong. You CAN do this!!!